In Living Color (1990) s02e01 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me it's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-c-olor You can do what you wanna doin living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me it's a'ight to be - In living color You can do what you wanna doin living color - [Audience Applauding.]
- Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
How are you doing? I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Welcome to In Living Color.
- [Cheering, Applauding.]
- Yeah.
It's good to have you all here for our season opener.
Before I get started, I'd like to bring out the rest of my family.
Uh, my brother, Damon, my sister, Kim.
Come on out.
Yeah, we, uh, we just wanted to thank everybody.
.
.
for helping to make this show a success.
And just to kind of let you know.
.
.
That we haven't changed one bit.
We're still the same wonderful people on the inside.
We really are.
I mean, success has not spoiled us one single bit.
The same kids from the projects that we've always been, and we want America to know that.
- Yeah.
- Hey, SW1.
I haven't changed either, Keenen.
- Let's get started.
- Shall we? You can do what you wanna doin living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon Hey, mon.
[Announcer.]
It's time againfor another episode of Hey Mon.
.
.
with the hardest workingWest Indian family, the Headleys.
How did my husband's surgery go, Doctor? Well, the lazy husband is fine now.
How long will he be off his feet? Off his feet? That's what got him here in the first place.
He had a hemorrhoid the size of a coconut on his behind.
Well, what do you prescribe? - I prescribe 10 job.
- Ten jobs? That's right, 10 job a day keep a doctor away.
You don't have time to be sick with 10 job.
- What kind of a doctor are you? - I'm glad you asked.
I'm a proctologist, a dermatologist, a gynecologist, a cardiologist.
.
.
a brain surgeon, an eye surgeon, a nose, ear, throat man.
.
.
and I also help run the flower shop.
- You can't be serious.
- Oh, no, I'm very serious.
- Where are you going now, woman? - I'm gonna find a good attorney.
Well then, you're gonna be wanting to talk to my hard-working wife Hilda then.
- That's right, mon.
- Are you a lawyer? Yeah, mon.
I'm a malpractice lawyer, a corporate lawyer, a court-appointed lawyer.
.
.
a labor lawyer, a litigator, prosecutor.
.
.
a process server, barrister, court stenographer, bailiff, I'm Jacoby and Meyers.
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and I have to run the flower shop.
Oh! Go on, get out of here, you lazy oatmeal wart! What happened? Here comes Matilda, our lazy son Byron's new wife.
Godfrey, Hilda, you better jump to it.
This woman here is about to have a baby! - What's the matter with her? - She in labor! In labor? I don't see her working.
What are you talking about, labor? - How many jobs do you got? - Uh, uh, one.
One job! One job and you call that labor? Get up and help out with other patients.
- Up with you.
- Up you go, fatty pie.
Come on, fatty pie.
Step up.
But she's going to have a baby now! Listen to your daughter-in-law.
I'm going to tell you something, girl.
The day I gave birth to your lazy husband, Byron, my son.
.
.
I was working six jobs now, mon.
I was a wedding photographer, meter maid, shoe salesman, swimming instructor.
.
.
sushi chef and taking a bar exam all while delivering his lazy fetus.
- Get up now.
You're fine.
- I think I better lie down.
Lying down? That's what got you here in the first place, you lazy rabbit killer.
- Get to work.
Get to work! - Oh, my water broke! Well, don't just stand there now, mon.
Get a mop and clean it up now.
You can wash the floor while you're at it now.
Take that.
- Get the corners.
- That's right.
[Siren Blaring.]
Well, well, well.
If it ain't my lazy, rude boy, Byron.
Where you been, boy? I've been parking cars at a restaurant, delivering orchids to the hospital.
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.
dropping off the laundry, delivering meat patties.
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.
giving tours to the stars' homes, taking my driver's test.
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.
and I had to pick up this sickly Yankee man all the way across town.
.
.
while filling out an application for the flower shop! - What's the matter with him? - Kidney transplant.
Hurry, please.
Hilda, look in that refrigerator, see if we got any more kidneys left.
Sorry, mon, we're fresh out.
You know, we done 14 transplants already today, now.
Oh.
Well, Byron, you're gonna have to get on the table, give me one of yours.
Pop, you know I don't have a kidney big enough for this Yankee man.
Well, we'll use both of them.
Get up on the damn table, boy.
- Pop, I'm not gonna get.
.
.
- [Groans.]
- I think it's too late.
- What you sayin' now? - He dead! - He dead? - Somebody call a priest.
- Priest! Father Headley here.
What's his name? - Schwartz.
- Not to worry.
Shabatt, Shalom, Mazel tov.
Okay, Byron, you go start on the grave.
Hilda, you get a measurement for the coffin.
- Matilda, you go buy embalming fluids and a tombstone.
- And where you going, mon? Well, when a man is dead.
There got to be another job opening somewhere.
[All.]
Hey mon, got to go to work! [Narrator.]
Join us againfor Hey Mon with the Headleys.
[Announcer.]
He was a by-the-book copteamed up with an out-on-a-limb rebel.
- You're gonna get us killed! - [Tires Screeching, Horns Honking.]
- Relax.
I've done this before.
- [Yelling.]
- I told you not to worry.
- They don't pay me enough for this job.
Side-by-side,they took on Los Angeles.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
They worked together.
.
.
and they played together.
Until one day,the wrong guy got shot.
That's okay, man.
I'll take the bullet.
Now, come on, run.
Get out of here.
Oh, my God.
No! He's finally on his own.
He's DetectiveJohn Sidekick.
He doesn't break the rules,no matter how trivial.
Make that murder one and jaywalking, pal.
He's too straightforwardto infiltrate the mob.
Give me a diet soda.
So, who knows anything about that big cocaine shipment coming in here tonight? He wouldn't recognize a clueif it dropped in his lap.
Psst.
Sidekick.
The snow's coming in tonight.
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.
in the old schoolyard.
Snow? In Los Angeles? Yeah, right, pal.
Take a hike! And stay away from the hooch! And he's definitelynot interested in sex.
I don't know anything about the cocaine.
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.
but I've got a room upstairs if you're interested.
Don't you know that I'm a black man in a crossover film? Sorry, sister, but you're barking up the wrong tree.
Up yours.
Finally, a cop with a healthy respectfor the letter of the law.
Sidekick! Coming this fallto a theater near you.
[Dance.]
[Woman Singing, Indistinct.]
[Announcer.]
Some kids only imaginehaving a man to spend time with them.
Each year hundreds of thousandsofboys are left without fathers.
.
.
which leaves thousands of motherswith a gap impossible to fill.
Hey, kid.
How would you like to learnto throw a real major league curve ball? Wow.
That'd be great.
Hey, Mom! A big brother's here! Then you could take me to the circus and to the zoo.
And you could come to schoolwith me for parents'night.
And when all those kids try to beat me upand stuff, I can say, "Hey, you better watch out.
.
.
'cause I have a big brother, and he really cares about me and not.
.
.
" Go buy yourself something, kid.
Hundreds ofkids and their mothersare waiting, and their need is real.
So if you've got the right stuff to makea big difference, call Bigger Brothers now.
[Organ.]
Ohh! Oh, Lord have mercy.
- My dear sisters and brethren, - [Organ Stops.]
We are gathered here to bid farewell to a great blues singer.
- Amen.
- Mississippi "Fat Back" Witherspoon.
Fat Back! Now, he-he wanted this to be a joyous occasion.
He didn't want us carrying on.
So I present his friend, Mr.
Calhoun Tubbs.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Reverend.
Look here.
No disrespect to the family.
.
.
but, uh, Calhoun's 900 Greatest Hits is available on eight-track cassette in the lobby.
$3.
95.
Of course, you get a complimentary copy, son.
You know, Fat Back wanted this to be a joyous occasion.
.
.
so I thought I might sing a few songs, tell some funny stories about my good friend.
Now, you all know Fat Back loved him some catfish.
- Amen.
- I say, Fat Back loved him some catfish.
- Amen.
- The only thing he loved morethan some of that channel cat.
.
.
was that little baby girl child.
Lord, that girl could cook.
! You know, she done cooked some catfish for him the day he died.
Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
Fat Back choked on a catfish That stupid girl fed him the bone [Sobbing.]
Thank you very much.
All right.
Now, you know, all his life, Fat Back only loved one woman.
You know, he once said to me that she wasthe only thing that made his life worthwhile.
Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
Fat Back had another girl in Louisiana His wife ain't never know [Sobbing.]
Thank you very much.
Now, don't get me wrong now.
Fat Back wasn't no skirt chaser.
No, no, no.
He did what he did on account of his son.
He loved that boy.
Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
Fat Back's wife wasn't nothin' but a skank tramp She had a bastard child [Sobbing.]
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, that was the first standing ovation I ever got in my long career.
You know, I'd like to thank y'all for letting me take time.
.
.
to share these few loving memories about my good old buddy Fat Back.
You know, he was always thinking about his wife and family.
But he lived just for today.
That's kind of like what made him so special.
Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
Fat Back ain't had no life insurance You're about to lose the house and car Now that's the second standing ovation I ever got.
Thank you very much.
See you next time.
[Dance.]
[Disco.]
[Announcer.]
Cable access,Channel 62, presents Men On Film.
[Applause.]
- Hello, I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.
[Together.]
And welcome to Men On Films.
- The show that looks at movies.
.
.
- From a male point of view.
Tonight's show is sponsored by.
.
.
Nuts & Honey.
- What did you say? - Nuttin', honey.
I bet you can't eat just one.
I bet I could.
You're so crazy.
[Giggling.]
Tonight we'll be wrapping up the summer films.
First up is the box-office smash Total Recall.
Yes, this is the movie where muscle-bound Arnold Schwarzenegger.
.
.
goes in search of his past.
Just a hint, Arnold, try looking in the closet.
[Snickers.]
Next we have Betsy's Wedding.
[Together.]
Hated it.
Then there's Ghost.
You know, Patrick Swayze was the real standout in this film.
You know, I'd breathe life into his spirit any day.
Even if I did have to go through Whoopi Goldberg.
- Perish the thought.
- Yes, indeed.
Now we come to Dick Tracy.
You know, I love the title, but the movie just left me limp.
I know what you're saying.
This is.
.
.
This is what I don't get.
All the characters fit their names.
You know, Flattop had a flattop.
Pruneface looked just like a little prune.
But I never got a chance to see.
.
.
[Mouthing Words.]
I know I wanted to.
What's wrong with you? It's hot in here.
Oh.
Then there's Pretty Woman.
[Together.]
Hated it.
- This one should have been called A Fish Called Julia.
- Oooh.
Next, Eddie Murphy was back in Another 48 Hours.
You know, I'm sorry, this movie just got off on the wrong track.
I feel that they should have spent more time where the real story is.
- Mm-hmm.
- In the prisons.
I'd like to see more about them old sweaty mens all together in them tiny little cells.
.
.
with no one to turn to but each others.
Ooh, drop the soap.
I'll get it.
Hush.
- Really? - You know I can wait.
Then we come to Spike Lee's Mo'Better Blues.
I'm sorry, I didn't care for it.
It just didn't put no toot in my horn.
I'm sorry, but I liked this one.
I mean, little Spike Lee outdone himself this time.
He really stretched out in a dual role.
.
.
as both the lead character's manager and love interest.
Oh, he was okay as the manager.
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but, ooh, he just thrilled me to death in those gripping love scenes.
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.
with big old handsome Denzel Washington.
What courage it must have taken for little Spike Lee to take off them glasses.
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and let that little hair get knotty and say.
.
.
"Hey, this is me.
Here I am.
See me, love me.
" Hello! Put the car in park.
The love interest was played by Spike Lee's little sister.
Well, touch me in the morning and then just walk away.
I don't know.
I think you should go see this again, then you tell me who's who.
- Yeah, well, you can go without me.
- 'Toine.
Don't get mad.
- 'Toine.
- Okay.
Finally, we have Die Harder.
What a way to go! Ninety minutes with Mr.
Bruce Willis.
Oh, yes.
Don't tempt my tummy with the taste of Nuts & Honey.
Crazy.
You know, the only thing I didn't understand was all the violence in the film.
.
.
'cause the title suggested a love story.
Mm-hmm.
I second that emotion.
I think this one still deserves the new and improved.
.
.
[Together.]
Two snaps, a twist and a kiss.
Stop.
Can't touch this.
Well, that's our show.
Next week, we'll be looking at Air America, starring Mel Gibson.
.
.
and little Robert DowneyJrs.
- Pilot to copilot, we're going down in flames.
- [Giggles.]
[Together.]
Bye, now.
[Disco.]
All right.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for joining us.
We got a special guest in the house.
I want him to come hang out with us and say good night.
Come on, Flavor-Flavor.
[Cheering, Applause.]
We're going.
.
.
We're gonna go out of here a little differently tonight.
We got a special musical.
.
.
musical guest with us.
So, please, let's go home with Queen Latifah.
[Rap.]
Yo.
We gonna pump this up for my Moms.
Flavor-Flav and In Living Color.
House posse.
Check it out.
[Rapping.]
Oh, yeah, I like that.
[Rapping.]
Come on, everybody, let me hear you scream! - [Audience Screams.]
- Scream! - [Screaming Louder.]
- Yo.
! I wanna thank y'all for tunin' in tonight.
So when I say good-bye, I want everybody to say "Peace! Peace!" Y'all ready for this? 'Cause here it comes.
Come on.
- Good-bye! - Peace.
! Peace.
! - Good-bye! - Peace.
! Peace.
! - Good-bye.
- Peace! Peace! - Good-bye.
- Peace! Peace! Ease up till you get in the house.
SW1 on the wheels of steel.
In Living Color house posse in effect.
Flavor-Flavor in the house.
Come on.
Go, Flavor.
! Go, Flavor.
!Go, Flavor.
! Go, Flavor.
! Go, Flavor.
!Go, Flavor.
! Go, Flavor.
! Go, Flavor.
!Go, Flavor.
! Yeah.
!