InSecurity (2011) s02e01 Episode Script

N'udu's asleep again.
Oh! Can someone else do it? You're the only one who knows the trick.
Okay, everybody gimme some room.
Janice.
N'udu! Aaa-aaah-oww! You owe Janice a pillow.
Okay, let's start.
Where's Claude? He's stuck in traffic.
I know, because I passed him on my bike.
Score another victory for active living.
It's not victory I smell.
Sorry about that.
Hey, don't worry about it.
We were just getting going.
Oh.
Parkway was slow.
I guess I'm fashionably late.
Um, right.
So, Andre Kirlov, AKA Porcupine, Liason officer for the Russian Embassy.
Not only is he an expert on Russia's activities in the Middle East, I think I can turn him into a source.
I don't know.
Porcupine's a special one, meticulous, paranoid, the kind of guy you look at and think, "What the hell?" Yeah.
Uh, I have a meeting with him this morning.
- Want me to come with you? - No, no.
I'm good.
A lotta work to be done.
So just stay inside today.
That was directed at the group, no one in particular.
Okay, let's boogie.
Well, let's get out there and help Agent Oo La La.
JOJO What was he wearing? I don't know.
But I hope it's for Operation Stylin' and Profilin'.
- He went to New York this weekend.
- In a time machine? Okay, let's focus.
We're talking about one of our top operatives, Bonhomme Super Sexe.
JOJO: Nice! Okay.
I'm stopping.
Hi, Burt.
Hi Denise.
- I'm making toast.
- You certainly are.
I certainly am.
You can make toast at my place again, if you know what I mean.
Oh, I know what you mean.
It's a kitchen party! Hey, Jeff.
How's polygraph division? I'd tell ya it's fun, but I'd be lying.
Heh? Baby, you know Burt? Um, yeah, I think we've met.
- Hi.
Denise.
- Hi.
- Hey, you guys makin' toast together? - No.
Yes, you are.
I can see it.
Well, that's his toast, not my toast.
Uh-oh.
Burn alert! Am I right? Well, back at 'er.
Call ya at lunch, Babe.
Take it ease.
You didn't break up with him yet.
I couldn't do it.
It'll make him sad.
If you don't end things with Jeff, I don't think we can make any more toast together.
It's just he-he's going through a really tough time right now.
JEFF: Oo-ooh, DJ Jeff in the house! Potato vodka is bitter in the winter.
This place has gone downhill.
Oh, sorry, I thought you were somebody else.
Psst.
Over here.
What was that? Are you trying to get caught? You said you'd be wearing a trench coat, Andre.
- It's like 30 degrees out.
- Were you followed? Only by the crazy guy in the diaper.
But now he's following a squirrel, so Ooh-ooh.
Is there soy in this smoothie? Those bastards at the deli are trying to get inside my head.
I've eaten there.
It's mostly ex-cons trying to go straight.
Hmmph, trying.
Whose side are you on? Maybe I won't tell you what we're doing in Syria.
I'll make it worth your while.
Oh, that's what they all say.
But there is always a catch.
They want to know how to reach you, who to make the cheque out to, how much you want.
What do I look like, a fool? Well, I have cash up front as a show of trust.
Well, I will accept that cash, as a show of wanting it.
Good.
Don't touch me! Sorry.
It won't happen again.
Andre.
You forgot your coat.
I'll get it when you're gone.
Wow.
I thought Porcupine was a lost cause.
Now I kinda wish we'd given him a better codename.
Well, all the good ones were taken.
It was either that or syphilis.
Hey.
Here's a little smile for you.
Have you seen Claude's retro getup today? The guys in tech unit are calling it Operation Styling and Profiling.
Isn't that hilarious? I, uh, actually came up with that.
Mm-mm.
Nah, it was Kenny, I think, in shipping.
He does improv.
No, it was me.
I was just kiddin' around in a meeting.
Wow.
Well, it looks like Kenny's got some competition.
Did you come up with Bonhomme Super Sexe? Maybe.
Oh, man! That Claude, he's got a great sense a humour to take that.
- Well, he wasn't in the room.
- Oh.
No, I mean I could have said it to his face.
He would have been fine with it.
Sure.
Hey, um, there's something I was gonna mention.
Oh, me too.
I've set up a post office box for drops with Porcupine.
Oh, great.
Alex, while I have you, um you know, these pants and jacket, uh Yeah, I was gonna Helene and I were in New York and so she got me to try these on.
I used to wear clothes like this when I well, I guess they're back in style.
Right? Uh, well, yeah.
But if I was gonna be honest, uh I would say they never went out.
Oh, good.
Oh, I'm glad you like them.
Yeah, they really make a statement.
Yeah, uh? I thought about changing this morning, but hearing that makes me feel better.
Good.
Yes.
Great outfit.
Thank you, Alex.
Okay, I need everything you've got on Russian Embassy finances.
Also, I would like to thank Claude for his stellar work on setting up that drop box for Porcupine.
It wasn't hard.
No, you're being modest.
You're a true professional, and I mean that more than anything else I've said about you.
Thank you? Okay, let's run down these names.
Hey, would you look at that.
Okay, now it's scary.
How do you make it stop? Answer them.
What's going on? Total crap storm.
NISA's just been WikiLeaked.
So the rumours are true.
WikiLeaks went public with a host of NISA files and emails.
How bad? Are we burned? Do I need to cut off all contact with my family? Because I can.
It's no problem.
We need to go through every message and assess the damage.
Dibs on all emails marked NSFW.
You guys remember Jeff from the polygraph department? While we combing through the leaks, he'll be conducting an internal investigation to find the person responsible.
We have to take a polygraph? Nothing to be worried about, unless you have somethin' to hide.
- Thanks, Jeff.
- Word.
Most of these emails are between our surveillance guys trying to decide where to go for beers.
I don't get this WikiLeaks crap.
It used to be if you wanted to leak something, you'd hide a floppy disk in a body cavity.
And that's sad.
Romance is gone.
Just tell me if you see the code name Porcupine.
- Whoa.
- What? They got the name of my sailboat.
Now I have to get rid of it.
People at the yacht club won't believe I'm selling the Mary Jane.
- That's what your boat's called? - Yeah.
You know what it means, right? You got me.
I'm not the literary type.
- Porcupine sighting.
- Well, that's not good.
I already bragged to the Minister about turning him.
His name wasn't leaked, but it mentions a mole at the Russian Embassy.
That's manageable.
It doesn't identify him.
Yeah, but Andre's squirrelly enough that if he sees this, he'll be out of the country.
Now I feel bad for complaining about my boat.
Problem.
Problem-problem.
I know.
I never shoulda given Lavalife my work email.
No.
Uh, I'm dating polygraph guy's girlfriend.
That is a problem-problem.
Yeah.
How can I just sit there strapped in his machine with him staring me right in the eye and keep such a big thing from him? He's only gonna ask you questions about WikiLeaks.
Yes, but I'm gonna be thinking about sleeping-with-Denise answers.
Oh, yeah.
Jeff is known for his ability to see through lies.
And then he's got the whole machine thing.
He'll know I'm hiding something and then, pow! Guantanamo Bay, or whatever we have instead of Guantanamo Bay.
We have an island off of Labrador.
- You want Guantanamo.
- I don't want either.
I just want Denise to break up with Jeff so that I don't have to picture his stupid face every time Denise and I are you know? Because it doesn't help the you know? 'Cause of morals, you know? You can fool this polygraph machine, with help from a master of deception, Benjamin Farnsworth N'udu.
Your middle name is Farnsworth? No.
That was a lie.
Will you teach me? Yes.
Was that a lie? Porcupine's gone dark.
He's not returning my calls.
Any leads? Porcupine left the Embassy parking garage at 11:23 this morning.
How'd you get that intel so quickly? You'd be surprised how intimidating this rolled up sheaf of WikiLeaks can be.
Great job, especially considering that was over the phone.
We need to keep working this.
I'll pay a visit to his brother in Orleans.
Can I borrow that? CLAUDE: Listen, there is something else unusual in the WikiLeaks.
I found a very curious email thread about an Operation Styling and Profiling.
What? See? It's quite a long thread.
Yes.
Wow, amazingly long.
I don't know any of these code names: Bonhomme Super Sexe, Agent Oo La La.
Aah, that's a mistake.
It's actually a misspell of Agent Ola, a Spanish operative in the Dominican.
It's, uh Need to know.
I've said too much.
Estúpido stupida! Am I being shut out here? We should talk.
Uh? So, there's something I should tell you.
Mm-hmm? Well, um, specifically that you are Agent Oo La La.
What? Bonhomme Super Sexe, Huggy Bear, The Spy Who Came in from the '70s, all of them.
When you came in this morning, your-your outfit caught some of us off guard and some things were said.
By me.
And then others started saying them.
I'm sorry.
It was silly.
You know how some of us kid around sometimes? But you said you liked the clothes.
Yes, I did say that.
Okay.
Oh, by the way, I have a location for Porcupine.
He's at this address.
Oh.
- Great.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
Hey, uh, do you wanna stay and make fun of Burt for a bit? I could call him in.
Oh, God.
Now, remember the ABC I told you? Always be calm? Always behave casually? Always be clenching.
- Clench, clench.
- Right, right.
- And when in doubt? - Breathe out.
There you go.
Just think of the polygraph machine as a sleeping cat.
What kinda cat? One that you can lie to.
Whoa, that guy is tough.
He got me to admit I stole a pack of gum in Grade 6.
- Ignore her.
- I told him I like Cake Wars.
I don't even watch Cake Wars.
I watch Cake Wars.
Go.
Clench.
Clench.
Hey, hey, polygraph party! Out there I may be fun-loving DJ Jeffasaurus, the guy everyone wants to be and do.
But in here, I'm Jeff Cooperman, polygraph technician.
I make liars cry.
Well, it's a good thing I'm not a Ooo, that's snug.
What does that measure? Nothing.
It's just keeps you from bolting.
First question: Name? Burt Wilson.
Hm.
Now the real questions.
Did you leak any NISA material? No.
, - Have you ever leaked classified material? - No.
Do you know anyone who has? No.
Are you clenching? No.
I'm gonna just keep apologizing until you forgive me.
Apologize for what, a joke? Who cares? I like my clothes.
- You don't have to say that.
- Yes I do.
Helene thinks I look good.
That's all I care about.
Of course.
That's what I thought you meant.
Claude Lesage, NISA.
We spoke on the phone.
You don't look like the guy I spoke to.
- Why? - You had such a professional phone voice, I didn't think you were going through a midlife thing.
- Hey, he can wear whatever he wants.
- I'm just saying.
I could put you on a watch list for harassing a federal agent.
Alex, he's on our side.
Oh.
Uh, sorry.
Thanks for all your help.
Seriously, I could make you disappear.
Have you ever concealed information from NISA management or supervisors? No.
Last question: Have you ever concealed information from a fellow NISA employee? No.
I'll ask that again.
Have you ever concealed information from a fellow NISA employee? No.
- Look, I can explain.
- Save it.
I gotta call this one in.
Tell me we didn't miss him.
Maybe the fashion police got to him too.
He's gone.
Plain macaroni, just boiled.
He must be close.
Let's check the rooms.
Oh.
Now the cheese has been added.
And the butter too.
I guess all that's needed is the milk.
Mm-hmm.
I hope I'm not adding too much.
It's getting awfully runny.
Don't! Stay back! I can't believe you let this happen.
Just add some flour.
I think he meant the leak.
I trusted you.
I know how you feel.
Hey, hey, hey, no eye contact.
Who is this guy? Claude.
He's one of my best agents.
And punch lines.
Believe me, you can trust NISA.
Oh.
Cranston.
- We found the mole.
It's Burt.
- What? I never trusted that guy.
Who names their kid Burt? Sounds fake.
There must be some mistake.
I'll get to the bottom of Burt.
I don't mean it that way.
McNeil out.
You look ill.
Please, move off my carpet.
Everything's good.
We'll take care of you.
The way you took care of my lunch? I'm in the wind.
Maybe not.
Looks like we have visitors.
Okay, don't worry.
They're not actually that big.
The camera adds 10 pounds.
Viktor.
Piotr.
Slow day at the office? Who are your guests? That was the chair.
Come on, what's the deal? - Are you a tree-hugging WikiLeaker or what? - No.
Your polygraph's a gong show.
You know, there's this island off the coast of Labrador, has nothing, not even a Shopper's.
I've been dating Denise, from the video department.
Ohhh.
I don't get it.
She still hasn't broken up with her old boyfriend, Jeff.
Polygraph guy? Yes.
Oh-ho, Burt.
Wow, you beast.
Welcome to the doghouse.
Bah, don't worry about this, I can fix it.
Really? For a fellow resident of the bone yard, no worries.
One phone call, it's done.
Thank you.
Thank you! Jeff.
Yeah, we need you down here at detention, pronto.
There's a rumour going around the Embassy that you are a mole.
And here we find you, mole, in your mole hole with two strangers.
Who are they? - He called our agency.
- What? He said he wanted a nice girl, classy.
So we met in the park.
He looked so cute in his little trench coat.
And then we hit it off right away and became good friends.
Yes.
, Yes, we-we did.
And who is this? Ah, Andre likes to play, but he doesn't like to pay.
Do you, Andre? No, I don't like to pay.
It's a terrible habit.
That's where Maurice comes in.
Tell me, smart guy, are you gonna pay up or do things have to get physical? Okay.
$38.
What the? You little son of a Not here, not now! So this is why you've been sneaking out, uh? Oh, we had you all wrong.
As for you Do you have any nice Asian girls? Sure, as well as a redhead and a very cute Ligerian.
Thank you for taking care of me.
You're welcome, my little Andre.
Little Andre.
By the way, loving the jacket, man.
Rock and roll.
Come on, Baby.
Ow! Rock and roll.
Okay, let's nail this WikiLeaker.
- I'm not the leak.
- Tell that to science.
Jeff, let me cut to the chase.
Burt's been sleeping with Danielle.
That's awesome.
She's cute.
No, it's Denise.
- Right.
- What? Yup.
Red Rocket's the new game in town.
Your girl stepped out on you.
How long has this been going on? Well, I'll just let you two guys sort it out.
The important thing is Burt's not the source of the leak.
He's just a hoouunnd! Oh, nice work.
Thanks for having my back.
Oh, I couldn't let you down.
You're my best earner.
Ah, sacrifice! I can't keep these on any longer.
Easy, Tiger, I'm off the clock.
Look, I'm sorry I said those things earlier.
- Never lie to me.
- Okay, I'll be honest with you from now on.
- Thank you.
- That jacket's awful too.
- Okay.
- And you need a nose trimmer, seriously.
That's enough.
See? It's a slippery slope.
Okay, Stick Girl, you can drive.
Hopefully your elbows don't poke a hole in the seat.
Oh, no, no.
I never said I wanted you to be honest with me.
I'm good with the lies, so keep 'em comin', Superfly.
Done, Genius.
What happened? I heard you were this close to an unofficial execution.
We worked it out.
I feel like I got to know Jeff.
Once you get past the defences, you see there's a powerful, terrifying man in there that I will never cross again.
I'm just glad I didn't lose my best friend.
- I'm your best friend? - Gotcha again.
Master of deception.
Hey.
Have you guys see Claude's group email? - We're coming up with call girl names for Alex.
- Nice.
So, how's Denise? Oh, I don't think I'll be seeing her again.
Good.
I never liked her.
I don't do sweet and bubbly.
Let me go! Stop the government lies! Expose the corruption! Information wants to be free! Bye, Burt! - She's the WikiLeaker? - I could learn to like that girl.
Why are all the good ones always dragged off to prison? If I had a dime.