It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s02e01 Episode Script

Come on.
Just one more race.
- Every time we race, you lose.
- You always lose.
One more race, and then we'll go to the strip club.
All right.
Three, two, one.
- Goddamn it! - What is wrong with you? - Super slow drinker over here.
- Do you have, like, a little throat or something? - Dennis.
We gotta get out of here now.
- Why? I just got off the phone with Dad.
He wants to stop by and talk to us.
- What does Dad want? - I don't know! Let's go before we have to deal with this! Let's get out of here before you guys get around your father.
Let's just take care of one more Don't Don't be grabby.
Okay.
Dennis, I need to borrow $20.
- What, dude? - Just give me some money, man.
- How come you don't ever have any money? - Dee? Moneys? - No way.
- What are you gonna do at the strip club with - Will you just get in the car! - No, no! It sucks for me, 'cause you guys get all the girls and the attention! My dad's gonna be here in a second! Will you get in the car! - No! I'm going home! I'm going home.
- Oh! - Can we go? Please! - Yeah, we can go.
We can go.
- Dennis! - Oh, Jesus! Dennis, no! Dennis, you son of a bitch! What the hell is wrong with you, Dad? Why would you come sneaking around the bar in the middle of the night? You don't snoop and sneak and appear in front of cars and start yelling names! - No! - I had something very important to tell you.
Really? What could be so important it couldn't wait till the morning? There's nothing more important than the fact that we just hit our friend with a car.
Oh, yeah? Try this on for size.
Your mother's dead.
- No.
- What? Oh, my God! No, she's not dead.
We're gettin' divorced though.
- Why - Why - What - What - Why would you say that she's dead? - That's a business tactic.
You drop the bomb, then you soften the blow.
You never tried this? - That is a terrible business tactic! - You are a horrible father.
That's what I came to talk to you about.
I hate the kind of person that your whore mother turned me into.
The big house, the big car I'm giving it all away.
- Hmm? - Giving it away how? For starters, I'm giving all my money to charity.
Then I'm gonna hang out with you two.
That's what this is all about spending time with my kids.
- Hold on a second.
- I wanna be the father that I never was.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
- Getting to know them.
- What did you say about the money? - Mm-hmm.
- I'm giving it all away.
- That is a very stupid thing to do.
You're a very stupid, stupid man.
Who are you gonna give it to? I don't know.
Poor people.
- Poor people? - Poor people? What What is your prob Okay, where's Mom? Mom? She's on vacation banging one of the boys she hangs out with.
- Dennis, your mother is a dirty, dirty whore.
- Oh, goddamn it, Dad! First you force me to run over my friend Charlie.
And then you start talking about Mom like she's dead.
- Now you're saying she's a dirty whore? - The money.
- You can't waltz back into our lives and be our dad again! - And the money.
- It doesn't work that way.
You can't just barge in! - And the money! And the money! My God, Dad! All of our money? Well, that was awkward.
- Yes, it was.
- Sort of a private conversation.
- Very much a family type moment.
- We didn't need to hear any of that.
Not for our ears.
Wanna go to the strip club? I don't know.
I've been manically depressed for the past couple of years.
I just feel like I need a serious change, or I'm gonna kill myself.
So when you say you're giving your money away to poor people do you mean, like, "Mexico" poor, or can it be, like, "me and Charlie" poor? - Well, I haven't given that much thought.
- Put some thought into that one.
- Consider that.
- Yeah, man.
Give that some thought.
In the meantime, you wanna get shit-faced, bro.
So I tell you what.
Before we get crazy giving away our money here what do you say we buy a couple of pitchers maybe a few tequila shots, a few rounds of kamikazes.
After that, we'll hit the town, we'll tie on a serious buzz.
All right, bud? Oh, my God! You poor baby.
What happened? Uh, my best friend ran me over with his car.
Yeah.
- Oh, my God! That's terrible! - Yeah, yeah.
- Do you want a lap dance? - Oh - I don't have any money.
- Oh! I could give you one for free.
Really? Okay.
Okay.
Oh, my God! You poor baby.
What happened to you? - His friend ran him over with a car.
- That is so sad.
I know.
I was gonna give him a free lap dance.
- She totally was.
- I'll join you! That's great! Do one of you girls wanna hook my boy up over here? - He's really down in the dumps.
- Okay! - No, no, no.
I don't I don't - Oh, come on, buddy! - You gotta do this, man! - Embrace it.
Get in the spirit.
This is gonna cheer you up.
Well, maybe just one.
All right, Frank! See? That's the spirit that beat theJapanese! God.
Stupid Dad! Never gave me a goddamn thing.
Give his shit to poor people.
Poor people? Ooh! Ooh! Oh! Oh.
Dee, you scared the shit out of me.
What are you doing? Same thing you're doing, Dennis.
I'm not letting Dad give all this shit to poor people.
I got here first though.
I'm taking the plasma TV and the fish tank.
- How come you get to pick and choose? - It's not that.
I'm a man and I'm strong.
I can carry heavy things.
You're a woman.
You're weak, and you can't.
- You're a woman and you're weak.
- That doesn't make any sense.
- You don't make any sense.
- Great.
I'll tell you what.
Um, I'm gonna take all the stuff that I want and load it into my enormous S.
U.
V and you can grab some trinkets or whatever and throw it in your tiny little car.
All right, look.
We don't need to be doing this, okay? You're my brother.
We're We're in this thing together.
We don't need to make this a competition.
Yeah.
You're right.
A competition.
That's a good idea.
I'll make you a deal.
Whatever your feeble little arms can carry out of here, you can keep.
And the rest is mine.
God, I hate you so bad! - Okay, you ready? - Yeah! On your mark! Get set! Go! - Go, go, go! - Go, horsey! Come on! Come on! No! Wait a second! Charlie, you hit me! - You hit me, Charlie! - So what? So what? - You are fast.
- I was winning anyway.
This one's too heavy! This one's too heavy! - You are freakishly fast! - Thanks.
Charlie, you got any booze in here? Yeah, yeah.
Check under my bed or under one of my pillows.
Hey, guys, I can't thank you enough.
I feel so much better.
So much.
Yeah, man.
Hey, you look great.
Make yourself at home.
- Charlie, we gotta get him out of here.
- What? Why, dude? Because there's two of them and three of us! Have a heart.
The guy's going through a divorce.
- Since when do you give a shit about people? - Well, you know.
Maybe you should be the one that leaves, okay? Don't you roll away when I'm talking to you.
- I am the reason the girls are here in the first place.
- That is bullshit! - Do not ruin this! Do not ruin this for me! - I'm not ruining anything! Whoa! What are you guys fighting about? Nothing, man.
We're just having a Well, take it out in the hall.
You're ruining the vibe.
- Okay.
We'll go out in the hall.
Watch my Watch my - Shut up! Easy.
Easy! Your behavior is unbelievable, man.
- All right.
How are we gonna do this? - Okay.
- Uh, let's flip a coin.
The loser leaves.
- Great.
- Okay, get a coin.
- I don't have a coin.
- Why don't you - Give me a coin.
You have a coin? - Of course I don't have a coin.
- All right.
- Let's flip something else.
- All right.
Um - Something in the hallway, like a feather.
- Flip that, uh, piece of wood? - That's not gonna work.
- What about something off the chair? Yeah.
Maybe we'll just break something off the chair.
Break something Don't Don't break it too much.
- No, that's not gonna work.
- It's a rental, dude.
- You know what? Frank's got money.
Let's ask him.
- All right.
- It's locked.
- No.
You gotta push it hard 'cause it sticks.
- I'm telling you, it's locked.
- Bang again! - Frank! - Frank, open the door, dude! - Hey.
- Oh.
You guys need to give me about Here.
Hey, Charlie, here's five dollars.
Go down to Wawa, pick me up a couple of sodas.
I got a feeling I'll be pretty thirsty after this.
Yeah.
Hey Oh Son of a bitch.
Over the line.
Over the line! - I'm I'm on the line.
- On the line is over the line.
Get your foot on your side.
Which side? This one? Is this the side? - No.
- This the side you're talking about? Get All right.
You know what? Oh, what is this? Do you recognize this lamp? - Where'd you get that? - I think this is the lamp Dad got you in China.
- Give it back to me.
- As I recall, yeah.
- Give me my lamp back.
- Must have gotten this out of your room.
- Well, it's mine.
- Let me put it on your side for you.
- You s - Oh, that is a shame.
- No, that's fine.
I don't care.
- It slipped.
Yeah.
By the way, I wanted to show you something my feeble little arms were able to carry.
By all means.
- Mr.
Tibbs.
- Oh, is that it? Is that Mr.
Tib Is that what they call you? They call you Mr.
Tibbs? - What do they call you now? - Whatever.
I don't care.
Hey-o! What's up, bitches? - What? - Dennis, you would not believe how great this thing is.
People give you free shit, and women treat you like a puppy they found out on the street.
- Really? - Yeah.
Dude, I was thinking.
You pick up one of these bad boys, we head down to the mall.
There's a ton of talent down there.
We've been looking for a new angle.
- That does sound like fun.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that'll work.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dee.
We're putting ourselves into the shoes of the unfortunate see what their world's like, maybe gain a little perspective.
- What do you do? - I don't take advantage of people.
- Oh! - Look at Sweet Dee sitting on her cloud of judgment handing down life lessons to all the sinners.
Come on, Mac.
Let's go get crippled.
Charlie.
- Charlie, buddy, buddy, buddy.
Charlie.
- Oh, my God, I'm cold.
- We gotta talk, Charlie.
- Uh Oh, yeah, Frank.
We have to talk.
Last night was one of the greatest nights of my whole life.
- I'm sure it was.
- I used to live like this in squalor and filth always trying to get over on people, scamming my way through situations.
- Wow! I don't care! - I wanna live like you again, Charlie.
I wanna be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopeless.
- I am not ugly.
- This is the change I've been looking for.
- I wanna move in with you.
- Are you out Are you out of your damn mind, dude? You made me sleep out in the hall.
You ignored my cries for help in the middle of the night.
- I'll pay for your rent for six months.
- Twelve.
- Six.
- Ten.
- Six.
- Nine.
- Six.
- Ten.
- Six.
- Twelve.
- Four.
- Six.
- Deal.
- All right.
- No more sleeping out in the hall though.
- I can't promise that.
- Let's get ready.
- All right.
Where are you taking me? - We're going back to the strip club.
- All right.
Strip club - Dude! My legs! - Hold on a second.
This is going to be like shooting fish in a barrel for us.
It's gonna be awesome.
What's your backstory? - What do you mean? - Bro, your backstory.
How'd your legs get crippled? - I don't know.
- All right, check mine out.
I had polio.
Okay? That's why I'm rocking the F.
D.
R.
Look with the blanket and everything.
See, I got a problem.
My legs are really muscular and athletic.
So nobody's gonna believe that they're dead.
Okay? This way, with the blanket, everyone will assume that underneath my legs are withered and useless.
- Huh.
That's a good idea.
- Bro, it's brilliant.
Yeah.
I have polio too.
You can't have polio.
That's my disease.
You gotta pick your own disease.
- Yeah, but I want polio.
- Well, you can't have it.
What the hell is this? Are you sure you're okay? It's really important that I do this myself.
You are so brave.
I got it! All by myself, I did it.
Yeah, you did.
That's awesome.
Goddamn it.
What are we gonna do now? We can't go back in there.
Everybody's desensitized.
All right, look.
We'll go down to Crate and Barrel.
- Maybe we can find some cougars or something.
- Hey, guys! Shit! What do we do? What do we do? - Uh, okay.
Just play it cool, man.
- Play it cool.
Play it cool.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How's it going? - I have polio.
Oh.
Uh Okay.
- And I have polio - He has polio too.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Um - So if you wanna shower, you gotta shower in the bar.
- Shower in the bar? - Yeah.
Shower in the sink.
- In the sink? Yeah.
You never showered in a sink bef Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh - What? - Oh, my God! - Do you see that? - What? I got a good idea.
I think I know how we can really up our game at the strip club.
How? Who gets more respect and admiration in this country than war heroes? - Athletes.
- Yeah, that's true.
- But after that.
- Rock stars.
- Yeah, also true.
But after that, Frank.
- Actors.
- Yeah Right.
- Models.
- Yes.
Look - Rich people.
Okay, look, look, look! If you just buy me this costume I'm gonna show these ladies a war hero they can't take their eyes off of.
I don't think this costume's gonna work.
No, this costume The chicks are gonna go crazy over this.
Maybe you should let me do all the talking.
- It's gonna be like fish in a barrel.
I got it covered.
- Okay.
- Just watch watch and learn.
- Oh, look at you, sweetie.
What happened? Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch! - Excuse me.
- What are you doing? What are you doing? - Hey, that was working.
- Let me do the talking.
- I'll take it from here.
- Did you just box me in? You don't do that to a guy, Frank.
You don't box in a vet! - You don't stick a vet in the corner, Frank! - Sorry about that.
He's a little loosey-goosey upstairs.
I try to get him out as much as possible.
It's very difficult.
- Is he your - Boy.
He's my poor little crippled boy.
- Oh, that's so sad.
- Mmm.
I didn't fight no damn war so I could be boxed in by some square commie-ass piece of shit! Well, I feel awful.
Well, that's what happens when you meet an actual crippled person.
- Brings you down.
- Yeah, disabled.
Whatever, dude.
Crippled, disabled I don't care, man! - I just wanna get out of here.
This whole thing's ruined.
- I know! We should, because, you know, you weren't pulling it off anyway.
Hold on a second.
Don't pull that shit with me, okay? - I didn't ruin this.
You ruined this.
- How did I ruin it? I had a good polio backstory that the chicks were gonna totally dig - Nobody cares about polio or backstories or - You know what? - I bet you a million dollars if I had talked to a girl - For God's sakes! - About my withered legs, then - A million dollars? All right.
What are we doing? What are we doing? I think that there's only one true way to settle this like gentlemen.
You're dead! Hey! No! No! - Oh, yeah, baby! - You cheated! You cheated! Oh, yeah! Whoo! - You suck! - All you do is cheat! How do you feel about that, huh? - How do you feel about that? - What are you doing? You're just a sore loser! What's going on down there? Those two guys are pretending to be disabled and kicking each other's asses.
What a bunch of scumbags.
- Being handicapped sucks, dude.
- Oh, yeah, man.
It's too much work.
- There's, like, nothing to show for it, man.
- There's no advantages.
- Oh, look at this guy.
Hey.
- Another homeless guy? - Hey, buddy.
- Hey, pal, wake up.
- Hey.
- Charlie? - What the hell are you doing? - What time is it? - Why are you dressed like that, dude? - Yeah.
What is going on? Why are you sleeping out here? Because I can't sleep in there! I can't get onto the stupid curb! Why would you wanna sleep in there? Your dad keeps swooping in, taking my chicks and locking me out of my apartment! Okay.
Well, we were gonna go inside and get drunk.
You wanna come with us? No.
Look at me.
I got a whole thing going on, man.
- What Really? - Yeah.
I'm going to the strip Don't touch that.
- I'm going to the strip club.
I'm gonna get some girls - With this? I mean Yeah, with this! I mean, the whole thing is This is good as gold.
Frank keeps coming in.
He swoops in, he takes my chicks.
He doesn't care about me.
What kind of a guy does that? Who comes into someone's apartment and just kicks him out? Like I'm a piece of crap.
Like I belong on the street.
Like I'm some kind of piece of dirt.
That's bullshit, man! War hero coming through.
How you doing? War hero.
So kind of a big deal.
I'm a war hero.
How do you Hey, how you doin'? I'm a war hero.
So I'll catch up with you.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Hey, war hero.
So All right.
All right.
Maybe hit the gym a little bit.
What the hell? Yeah! No! No! No! Charlie! Hey, this is my roommate, Charlie.
- Girls, say hello to Charlie.
- No! - Hi, Charlie! - No! No! No! No! No! No, Frank! Come here! Come here! - What What is this shit? - Well, it's just I rigged it up.
It's like I'm really using my hands, but they don't know it.
No, Frank! What are you doing with the strippers? You're stealing my thing! What? Well, I figured, you know, I'd cut out the middleman.
This way, everybody wins.
I don't win.
The other thing I figured out is the only thing that attracts the attention of strippers more than pity is money.
And I brought a shitload of that.
- What Charlie! - I'm gonna kill you! - You're totally blowing up my scene here, man! - Are you crazy? This is the best thing that ever happened to me, and you're ruining it! - It's a win-win situation.
- No! You come to my apartment! You lock me out! Take all my girls! It's not a win-win situation! - My thumb's on your neck.
- Why can't you just give me this? - I'm gonna kill you.
- This guy's a walker! But I love the guy, all right? He's family, you know? I mean, we've been through a lot together.
Okay? So, you know, is it wrong for me to love him? I don't know.
If I have to listen to you talk about this stupid goddamned stuffed elephant anymore I'm going to punch you in the head.
Hey! Mr.
Tibbs was not just some stupid stuffed element elephant, okay? - He was like a companion.
- Strip club! - All right.
Let's go - Strip club! Yeah.
Let's go to the strip club.
You're driving.
All right.
You know, I didn't realize that somebody in your condition could have so much energy.
- Well, you gotta live, right? - God! You know, you you are an amazing person.
I'm scoring in there, and you come in there and blow everything! - You shouldn't even be in there! - You get your hands off my blow tube! Go get your goddamn car and give me a ride home! - I'll give you a ride home! - Hey! Ow, my legs! Oh, my legs! Frank, what are you doing? - Hey, Dad! - My broken legs! Why are you beating up a homeless person? What the hell's with the crutches? It's kind of a It's kind of a long story.
- I can't really go into it right now.
- Oh, yeah? - Whether you like it or not Here! How about that? - Hey! Give Whoo! That's right! We're going to the strip club! I'm gonna steal Charlie's girls at the strip club! I'm gonna buy you a lap dance.
I'm gonna buy myself a lap dance.
I'm gonna buy everybody at the whole strip club a lap dance.
- Whoa! Are you people all pretending to be handicapped? - Mind your own business.
- Give me the crutches back.
Dad! - No! - Who's acting like a child? You just stole my stuff! - You are acting like a child! - Oh! Whoo! - Whoo, baby! - I'm gonna count to three.
If you don't put those god - You don't get the crutches.
- 1,002 - Here's the crutches.
- Give me the - You can't have 'em! Oh, shit! Paging Dr.
Lyon.
Dr.
Lyon, please report to the emergency room.
We are so lucky that nobody got killed.
- Oh, my God.
- Well, yeah.
Actually, Dennis is lucky that nobody got killed since he's the guy that just about killed everybody.
- You know what? Maybe you killed somebody.
- How does that make sense? - Maybe you did kill somebody! - Maybe you standing in front of a driving car - Yeah, well, driving a vehicle - Shut up! Will you shut up, for crying out loud! Don't youse ever stop fighting and just shut the hell up? - Now, who wants ice cream? - I do.
- Really, Dad? - Enjoy a nice ice cream and just thank goodness that nobody important got seriously hurt.
What a bunch of assholes.