Jeeves and Wooster s02e01 Episode Script

Brother Blackshohs, as I stand before you tonight, Our policies are clear, our policies are just, And three.
The compulsory scientific measurement of all adult male knees.
Not for the true-born Englishman the bony, angular knee Not for him the puffy knee of the criminal classes.
Hail Spode! Good evening, sir.
An excellent rally, excellent.
A dozen new recruits to the cause.
His knees.
Come on, Behie! Well, this is a happy occasion, old Gussie getting engaged.
A most satisfactory binge, last night.
I doubt it.
Slice him where you like, a hell-hound is always a hell-hound.
Very good, sir.
You must understand, Jeeves, that when two men of iron will Oh? I wonder what she - Is it awake yet? - Ah, what ho, Aunt Dahlia? I want you to go to an antique shop in Bond St and sneer at a cow-creamer.
- Do what at a what? - It's silver, Well, sounds dashed unpleasant to me.
If he can get this thing cheaply, it may save him from an early grave.
Well, you heard what Jeeves said.
Now, run along and sneer! No, no, I don't think so, I've another very like this.
Morning! - Hello, Fox here.
- I know you, young man! Look at him.
- Quite reformed.
- Huh! - Oh, has the gentleman gone? - Yes, yes, they've gone, yes.
- What? - No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no here.
- I can't see any hallmark.
- Are you blind? Ha! Smash-and-grab-man, by God! I say, Spode, look at this.
- Can I help you, officer? - Where did he go? - I-I shouldn't go in there if were you.
- Oh, no? Come with me, officer.
This way, come along.
- It's her.
- Sir? Mrs Travers will be most disappointed, sir.
Good morning, Mrs Travers.
- Mrs Travers, sir.
- I thought I'd told you - Well, well, well.
- Is all you can say "Well, well, well"? - I don't think you should be too severe.
- I shall not be severe, I shall be just.
You'd best hope that by every moral law, that cow-creamer belongs to Tom.
- If you say so, old flesh and blood.
- Good.
Because you're going to steal it back for me.
I don't care how spiritual Harold Pinker is, I don't care if he played tiddlywinks for the Sorbonne.
Harold is not half-baked, Uncle Wattie.
It's no good, Stiffy.
Sir Watkyn will never allow you All right.
I shall be dignified, I shall be urbane.
If you could not trip over the furniture, it'd be a stah.
Come on, there's the gong.
Under the new order, the whole of Wales and Scotland Nothing but potatoes.
Sorry I'm late, Sir Watkyn, I've just been arranging my tanks.
- Tanks? - Yes, my newt-tanks.
Mr Fink-Nottle breeds newts.
When Augustus and I are married Little madam married to him?! Oh, have you seen Madeline? - Gussie, could you help? - I don't know.
Won't you have a look over there, at the light? - Gussie! - Oh hello, Madeline.
- Telegram for Mr Wooster.
- Thank you, Mr Jarvis.
A telegram for you, sir.
"Unless come earliest possible moment prepared lend every effoh reconciliation, "Fink-Nottle, Totleigh Towers, Totleigh-in-the-Wold, Gloucestershire.
Forgive me for mentioning it, but am I not right in thinking that Good Lord, you're absolutely right! We must go down to Totleigh in person.
Yes, sir.
Totleigh Towers might also seem the convenient place Hands up! - Now, look - Watkyn, come here! Naturally your silver's the first thing Behie would look for.
- Ohh.
- Come along, Behie.
Anyway, it wasn't bag-snatching, it was policeman's helmet-stealing.
How sweet of you to come, Behie, but everything's sohed out.
You know, sometimes I ask myself if I'm wohhy of so rare a soul as Augustus.
- Wooster, I want a word with you.
- Ah, what ho? I've found you with it in your hands already.
Or perhaps you think you're clever enough to steal it without detection.
- Oh, er Definitely.
- Splendid.
Right, to Aunt Dahlia.
Erm "I say, look here, this is absolutely impossible, Is it a code? - Mornin'.
- Mornin', Constable Oates.
Get off! Stupid dog, get off! Get away! Get away from me, you stupid What on eahh did you do that for? You might've scared him out of his wits, hurling yourself about! - Poor old Batholomew! - I must caution you, Miss Stephanie Oh, it's you, Behie! Did you see what happened? I'm just on my way to see Harold, we're engaged, you know.
Don't tell a soul, Uncle Watkyn mustn't know until he's been well sweetened.
He talks a lot about you.
Harold Pinker.
- Oh, there you are Behie, here's Harold.
- Stinker! Good heavens! Harold We can't talk here, come to Harold's room in the rectory.
Or at least I should be.
- Sit down Behie.
You tell him, Harold.
- Well, what we thought was, What's the point of that? Oh, I see! You want me to put on a black mask, break in through the window, Then Harold comes back into the house, covered in blood - Behie, I think you're a pig! - Maybe, but a shrewd level-headed pig, Now that her engagement's been broken you should show a little interest.
Why've you gone all quiet? Mrs Travers has arrived, sir.
She has a matter of some impohance Ah! What ho, aunt of my bosom? You will get that cow-creamer.
No, no, no, no This is getting beyond a joke, Jeeves.
The club book? This not only provides entehaining reading, but also serves as a warning and mistook the lamp for a burglar? Oh.
- Right, all set, Jeeves? - Yes, sir.
Hullo Desmond, here's some nice ant eggs for you.
What a silly daddy! Really! Hm.
I'll get Mr Herbeh to come up and see to it, sir.
Of course, one can't get proper gentlemen, nowadays.
Oh, really quite promising.
I suspected I could make something of him But you want to see the book, don't you? The book for Mr Jeeves, if you please.
For wearing a soft hat before Goodwood? Why don't you try not answering, when he calls you by the wrong name? Mm, yes.
Mm, yes.
- Anything I can do for you? - Why wasn't Fink-Nottle at dinner? - Do butterflies do that? - Are you trying to be funny? Behie! Show yourself! I am not afraid.
They ought to put handles on the inside of those things! Why he didn't look inside I can't imagine.
I thought dictators were thorough.
- You're not afraid of Spode? - I am! But Behie, my life is at stake! Ah! Goodbye, Behie.
You have disappointed me.
So, at midnight you're waiting in the silver room, all right? That should do it, I should think.
- Really? - We want to see blood, remember? Who goes there? - What happened? Has Spode a secret? - Indeed he has, sir.
It's only the details of the matter I'm precluded from mentioning, sir.
- Eulalie? - Eulalie, sir.
Sure you can't go any deeper into the subject? - Oi! - Aaah! What do you mean, sneaking up on me like that? What do you mean by mucking up my bed linen after I specifically forbad it? I have learned something that he'd not care to have generally known.
Well, Spode, what is it now? - Ah - You know all about what? Ah Euthymol! Ahh Eureka! You Eucalyptus! Euripides! Eunuch! Euphonium? What Eu! Now, then! Eulalie! What? Ah, yes, well, always think, Spode, always! Behie! Oi! Oh, my Lord! - Where d'you think you're going? - It's gone, sir.
And you were just going off and leaving everything else unguarded? You did it! - Help! Thief, help! - It's not Behie! - Help me! - I can't understand it, Sir Watkyn, sir.
- Harold caught the thief.
- What? Oh, well done, young man.
There was an intruder, Sir Watkyn, sir! I very nearly apprehended 'em, and - Well? - Nothin', Sir Watkyn, sir.
If you are now quite satisfied, Thank you, Mr Butterfield, for a most enjoyable stay.
- Bally rum, Jeeves, all that.
- Indeed, sir.
- Everything all right, old kith and kin? - Wonderful, thank you, dear.
Good Lord! Good Lord! Thank you, Jeeves! Good Lord! There is just one thing, Jeeves.
I do wish you'd give me the inside dope on Eulalie.
- No, sir, no, I could not betray a trust.
- Jeeves, I stand in awe.