Just Good Friends (1983) s02e01 Episode Script
Guilt
- Your table's ready, madam.
- Oh, thank you.
My friend hasn't arrived yet.
Could you give us five minutes? - Of course.
- Thank you.
- All right, Pen? - Hmm, I suppose so.
Good.
Vincent! Do you have to do that sort of thing in public? 'Fraid so, Pen.
Don't ask me why, I'm a complex sort of guy.
You've embarrassed me in front of all those people.
Embarrassed? Those fellas have geisha girls walking all over their bodies.
Not in the middle of Chipping Ongar they don't! Half the Datsun factory will know about this by next week.
- Okay, Pen, what's wrong? - What do you mean, what's wrong? You invite me to lunch and within 10 seconds you've reduced me to a tourist attraction with a wet ear! I don't mean that.
For the last two weeks I've been trying to contact you.
- I left messages at your office.
- Yes, they mentioned it.
Oh, look, Vince, I'm sorry, I should've returned your calls.
You probably thought you'd offended me.
No, I just put it down to pig ignorance.
I wasn't being rude, honestly.
It's just that I've been a bit worried.
About what? About us.
You've been worrying about us for a fortnight? Yes.
We must be very important to you, then.
I hadn't really thought about it.
All right, Pen.
Come on, tell me.
Look, Vince, I know that what I'm going to ask won't be easy for you, it won't be easy for me either, but please try for me - For us.
- Name it.
I want you to forget what happened the other weekend.
Why, what happened? What happened? You mean you don't remember? Well, just jog me a bit.
My parents went away that weekend and you came to the house and stayed.
- Oh, that? - Yes, that! So what about it? I just want you to forget it.
I don't want you thinking that after what happened, you now have some kind of licence.
You mean I failed the test? - Vincent, please be serious! - All right, Pen, anything you say.
- Are we going to eat? - Oh, yes, our table's ready.
You see, Vincent, it was just one of those things.
An isolated incident.
It's like that film, simply Saturday night and Sunday morning.
- And Sunday afternoon.
- Forget it! I have.
Not hungry? No, not really.
I got a letter this morning.
What about? It was from Graham's solicitor.
There's been some legal hold-up and the divorce has been put back.
- Oh, well, that's nothing, is it? - Nothing? How can you say a divorce is nothing? What I mean, Pen, is there's no hurry.
There's no hurry for you, maybe, cos you're not the one getting divorced.
And you're never likely to be seeing that you're not the marrying kind.
Oh, I don't know about that, Pen.
I wouldn't mind getting married.
If the right girl came along.
Oh, there must be somebody out there for you, Vince.
Yes, there must be.
Hey, listen, it's just a change of date, that's all.
What difference does a few weeks make? I suppose you're right.
It's just the letter was addressed to me in my married name.
It's the oddest sensation, as if it's all happening to someone else.
Some other woman's getting divorced and I'm just doing the suffering for her.
I'm just being silly, aren't I? No, you're not, it's natural.
What was your married name? What? - I said, what was your married name? - Why? Well, no reason, it's not important.
Oh, good.
Well? - Well what? - What was your married name? Why do you want to know? You said it wasn't important.
Well, it wasn't important, but er it is now, though.
You had a clunky name.
I did not have a "clunky" name.
- It was something silly, wasn't it? - No.
- Then why are you frightened to tell me? - I'm not frightened of telling you.
- Well, go on, then.
- What? - Tell me.
- All right then.
If you're going to be childish about it, his name was Graham Pratt.
What's so funny? Who's laughing? Good.
That's all right, then.
Lovely bit of melon, Pen.
Yes, you seem to be enjoying it.
Do you fancy seeing a movie in the week? - What's on? - I dunno.
- Thought it'd make a nice change.
- All right, I'll check the papers.
Good.
So, er you were Mrs Pratt? Yes.
Mrs erm Pratt? - What about it? - Nothing, it's just I can't imagine you as Mrs Pratt.
Oh, I don't know, though.
I mean, what's in a name? For your information, Zonko, six months after we were married, Graham changed his name to Perry.
What, Perry-Pratt? You know what I mean.
First I was Penny Pratt.
Then I was Penny Perry.
And if I'd married you, I'd have been Penny Pinner! I'm just unlucky.
I wish I'd never got married in the first place.
- Well, look for the silver lining, Pen.
- What silver lining? Just think, if you hadn't married Graham, we couldn't have committed adultery.
Why don't you just put an ad in the Daily Mirror, you moron? - I'm sorry, Pen.
- I told you to forget about it.
- Why have I got to forget about it? - I just feel that we rushed into it.
I wasn't ready to commit myself, and I don't think you were, either.
Absolutely.
Urgh, it was horrible.
Look, explain this to me, Pen.
A couple weeks back we got ourselves a flat.
We were gonna live together.
- You were ready to commit yourself.
- Things change.
So we got ourselves a flat.
Look what happened to it.
- It was broken into, vandalised.
- So? It could've been a sign of something.
It was a sign of something.
A sign that you forgot to lock the front door! Don't bring that up again.
It could've been a sign that what we were doing was wrong.
Why have you suddenly become superstitious? Mummy happens to be a great believer in fate.
She says Mummy stuck her two-penny worth in.
I might've guessed the Witch Queen of New Orleans would be behind this! She's never been the same since she took that course in Advanced Voodoo.
Could we just drop the subject, please? - Are you still at the flat? - No, I'm staying at my parents'.
Yeah I suppose you feel about it the same way as I do.
Nothing in the world could force me to go back into that flat.
It'll always feel haunted, as if some living nightmare had taken place in it.
- Oh, Vince, couldn't we sell it? - I have.
There must be some young couple somewhere who'd really - Sorry? - I sold the lease last week.
I don't believe I'm hearing this! You sold our lovely flat? Lovely? You just said nothing could force you back in there! Time can be a great healer, Vince.
Here's your share.
I don't want the money.
This money means Is that all? This cheque is of no consolation whatsoever.
Chances are it'll bounce anyway.
You could've at least consulted me.
- Well, I tried to.
- Like hell you did.
What do you think all the phone calls and messages were about? Do you mean that's why you've been trying to contact me? Just about the sale of that grotty flat? Yeah, why, what did you think? It doesn't matter, Vince.
It's not important.
I've said something, haven't I? Didn't the other weekend mean anything to you? I've forgotten all about that, Pen.
How could you ever forget? You told me to forget about it! You've got a mind of your own, haven't you? I was only following orders! You annoy me, you do.
I annoy you? Oh, that's rich! You always remember the bad things I've done, never the good things.
What good things? - I taught you everything you know.
- You taught me? A man who's only just learnt which end of the toothbrush to stick in his mouth! I had a private education and a very expensive one at that! I'm not talking about academic qualifications, I'm talking about worldly things.
When I met you, you were like an innocent virgin who knew nothing about life.
That's because I was an innocent virgin who knew nothing about life! But we soon put a stop to all that nonsense, eh, Vincent? Absolutely.
You used to wear gingham dresses, sandals, plaits - And you had braces on your teeth.
- Ooh, you liar! You looked more like a Cabbage Patch doll.
If I looked like a cabbage patch doll, why did you make a play for me? I was going through a kinky stage.
For a moment there, I thought she was going to overreact! - When you're ready, Tom.
- I'm glad you've arrived.
Get your mate out of this pub.
- How lung's he been here, then? - Too bloody long! He spent the last couple of hours trying to light a plastic cigarette.
Lennie! My mate - Heads! - Get him out before I chuck him out! Yeah, leave it to me, Tom.
- What are you doing, Vince? - Just having a quiet drink, Len.
My host! Two large brandies for my friend and me.
There's no more for you to drink in here.
- Get off home to bed! - I've good mind to go and punch him.
Leave it out.
You've never won a fight in your life! - Ain't I? - No! I'll let him off, then.
What are you doing with your self? I ain't seen you like this for weeks.
It's Lady Penelope.
You know what she did to me? - She threw a pint of lager over me.
- Don't worry, I got you another one.
This happened this afternoon in a restaurant.
She left me sitting there, all covered in lager.
She didn't even kiss me goodbye.
- She don't love me no more.
- Oh, don't you be silly.
It sounds to me, with the chucking of the lager and all, that you might've upset her.
Takes everything to heart, that's always been her problem.
Listen, come here.
Come here I know something so awful, it'll make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.
Yeah? What? I've known the terrible truth for years, but I've never told a soul.
But now the time has come to reveal my dark secret.
- It's Penny's family.
- Yeah? What about them? They're Martians.
Do you know, I thought you were going to say something sensible.
They're Martians, Lennie.
Daphne the mother is the chief Martian.
You don't come much higher than her in the Martian pecking order.
She outranks Darth Vader! What about Penny? Is she a Martian too? Some times.
I've seen Penny transform herself into Scarlet O'Hara.
She did it this afternoon, rotten cow.
Dripping, I was! Yeah, I believe you, Vincy.
They're all Martians.
No.
No, Lennie, not all of them.
Norman, the one they pretend is the father he's a droid.
A what? A robot.
He's got little wheels under his slippers.
I discovered he was a robot many years ago.
One day, he went down hill.
I didn't think much of it at the time.
I just assumed Daphne was using a stronger poison.
But then And listen carefully to this, Lennie.
they didn't phone a doctor.
They called Home Tuning.
Bloody hell! - I do love you, you know, Len.
- Oh, don't get maudlin, Vincy! Let's get out of here.
- She don't love me.
- Good! Come on, out of that chair.
Just think, Len, if me and Pen had gone ahead with the wedding, we'd have had loads of little humanoids running around.
Beep-beep! - Get him out of here, will you? - All right, Tom, no problem! See, I've upset everyone today.
Look, I'm going to lean you against the wall and I'll phone you a cab.
That's all right, Len, I've got the car outside.
What? Are you putting me on, Pinner? You don't expect to drive home, do you? No, Lennie.
I'm going round to see Penny.
You're doing? Come back here! Don't you dare! Vince, I'm your friend, right? And as your friend, I'm asking you for the hundredth time, don't go in that house.
- I've got to, Len.
- But why? Because it's there.
There are things, important things, that need to be said, right? I have to speak with Penny.
It's imp It's imperara It's very important.
Look, you go in that house in this state, you'll regret it for the rest of your days.
You'll still be cringing about it when you're 80! Now, Vincent, I'm telling you as a friend that I'm not gonna allow this to happen.
Leonard I'm telling you as a friend, to push off and mind your own business.
Right, you wanna make a plum of yourself, you go ahead and do it! Cheers, Len.
You're a pal.
Here you are you can have my car.
I don't want your car! I've upset him now.
Everyone's so touchy today.
Feeling one degree under, are we, sir? No, I'm just pissed, officer.
- Who is it? - It's the police.
- The police? - Who is it, darling? - The police.
- The police? - Who is it, Norman? - It's the police! - What is it? - It's your husband, madam.
Graham? What's wrong with him? It's nothing to worry about.
He's er not very well.
He's suffering from spasmodic paralysis of the legs.
Oh! Oh, god! - Hi, Pen.
- Oh, hell! See what I mean, madam? He keeps falling over.
Yes, but this isn't my husband.
- You mean you don't know this man? - Yes, I know him.
We're sort of friends.
Oh, I see.
Well, that's a bit embarrassing.
Is your husband in? No, my husband and I have parted.
Oh, I see.
This is your friend.
Yes Oh, no! Well, er What appears to be the problem, officer? Oh, nothing really, sir.
Just a drunk stumbled onto the property.
- It's Vince, Daddy.
- Oh, this is your father? Yes, it's my father.
Now, please, could we get him up? He'll only fall over again, madam.
Get up, you moron.
You'll get piles lying there.
- I have to talk to you, Pen.
- I shall never talk to you again! What have I done, will somebody tell me? Why have you come here tonight, Vince, especially in this condition? I'm not drunk, if that's what you think.
My god! Give us a kiss, Daphne.
Could we get him inside, please? What do you mean? He doesn't live here! - I can't leave him roaming the streets.
- He is not entering this house! You can't just leave him outside, Mummy.
- I do love you, Pen.
- Oh, shut up.
He could stagger into the road and be seriously injured.
We'll just have to learn to live with it, won't we, Norman? Well, if you won't let him in, madam, I'll have to summon some assistance.
A black maria, a couple of squad cars.
Seems a shame to wake all the neighbours up, though.
The neighbours? Oh, my god, the neighbours! All right, fetch it in! Make sure you keep it off the rugs.
Be very careful, officer.
They're Martians.
Yes, sir.
Just shut up and behave yourself.
My god! His nasty habits will rub off on you eventually, you know.
- You'll end up spitting in the streets.
- Oh, Mummy, please! Tell me, Daphne, speaking as an outsider, what do you think of the human race? Get it out of my sight.
- Come on, let's get you upstairs to bed.
- Not bed again, Pen? Vince, will you just shut up? You can have your evil way with me tonight, Pen if you really insist.
Well? Oh, er Well, I'll be off, then.
Oh, if you have any more trouble with him, you know what to do.
- Call you immediately? - No, hit him with something.
Well, I'll bid you good night.
Look, I really feel I should do something to help.
Judging by the state of it, the best thing you can do is pop out to the garden shed and fetch the hose! I'm going to help Penny.
You most certainly are not.
This is her problem! Darling, I think it would be better if I were to undress him rather than Penny.
It is her responsibility, and the sooner she gets used to it, the better.
Oh, perhaps you're right, dear.
- Undress him? - Sorry? Oh, for god's sake, Norman, don't just stand there.
Get up those stairs! Well? No, it's still aching.
I'm not concerned with your stupid head.
Why did you do it? It's not like you.
Well, it is like you, but you've never been to the house like that before.
Don't you think you owe me some sort of explanation? I was drunk.
Oh, is that why? That explains all the falling into the hydrangea and throwing up in the bidet.
I needed to talk to you, so I had to get drunk.
I don't understand.
Why couldn't you have spoken to me while you were sober? Cos when I'm sober, I invariably say or do the wrong thing.
And when you're drunk, you don't? When I'm drunk, I don't care.
You always make me out to be the bad guy.
Huh! All right, tell me if I'm wrong.
I have been reliable and thoughtful.
What are you talking about now? A previous life? No, recently.
I haven't let you down.
Much.
But yesterday when you threw that pint of lager over me, I got to thinking all was not well between us.
I had this feeling.
It was the same feeling I had just before just before our wedding.
I felt as if I was mute.
I was speaking but you couldn't hear me.
It's like watching yourself die in the mirror.
I didn't know, Vince.
Why didn't you tell me? - Do you still feel the same? - No.
That's what I came to tell you.
Last time I felt like that, I jumped on my bike and roared off into the sunset.
- But this time I couldn't.
- Why? For two reasons.
One because I was low on petrol.
And two, I realised I couldn't leave you.
I'm afraid you're lumbered with me.
Well, we each have our cross to bear, don't we? I had to tell you this last night, it seemed so vital.
I wanted to bear my soul.
Why is it, whenever you decide to bear your soul, I'm the one that always has to hold the bucket? It's the way of things, Penelope.
- Why do I still love you? - Maybe it's because I'm very lovable.
You are a lying, lecherous, drunken ratfink.
I've got my bad points as well, Pen.
I bought you a present.
It's in the boot of the car.
What is it? A Cabbage Patch doll.
- Vince? - Hmm? Do you mind if I ask you something? Anything.
Well, do you remember a couple of days before our wedding? - Don't bring that up again, Pen.
- No, I'm not opening old wounds.
It just something I've always been curious about.
Well, go on, then.
When you, shall we say, left town for a while, where did you go? Canvey Island.
Canvey Island? Why? Well, I didn't mean to go there.
Nobody means to go to Canvey Island.
I just drove mile after mile of endless road, and suddenly there it was.
The Big Crab Apple.
It's the age-old story, isn't it? Girl meets boy, they fall in love, boy buggers off to Canvey Island.
Did you regret what you'd done? - Yeah.
- I mean really regret it? Course I did, Pen.
I mean, have you ever been to Canvey Island? It's about time I went home.
- I was only joking, Pen.
- No, you weren't.
You were thinking of your rotten self again.
Drive me home, Vincent.
Yessum, Miss Scarlet.
Don't whup me now.
Don't be so bloody silly! You can get home quicker if you take a shortcut through the woods.
I'm not going through there! A man might jump out on me.
It's all right, Pen.
Just tell him you're not ready to commit yourself yet.
- Are you going to drive me home? - Not a chance.
You're a pie! You drive me out here and then leave me stranded.
Still, it's par for the course where you're concerned! Do you want a lift home? - Yes, Vince, I do.
- Well, you can't have one.
Moron! What are you playing at, Pen? I am not moving from here.
- Come out of there, will you? - I'm staying here.
All right.
Stay there, then.
Come here Er, sorry! It's er
- Oh, thank you.
My friend hasn't arrived yet.
Could you give us five minutes? - Of course.
- Thank you.
- All right, Pen? - Hmm, I suppose so.
Good.
Vincent! Do you have to do that sort of thing in public? 'Fraid so, Pen.
Don't ask me why, I'm a complex sort of guy.
You've embarrassed me in front of all those people.
Embarrassed? Those fellas have geisha girls walking all over their bodies.
Not in the middle of Chipping Ongar they don't! Half the Datsun factory will know about this by next week.
- Okay, Pen, what's wrong? - What do you mean, what's wrong? You invite me to lunch and within 10 seconds you've reduced me to a tourist attraction with a wet ear! I don't mean that.
For the last two weeks I've been trying to contact you.
- I left messages at your office.
- Yes, they mentioned it.
Oh, look, Vince, I'm sorry, I should've returned your calls.
You probably thought you'd offended me.
No, I just put it down to pig ignorance.
I wasn't being rude, honestly.
It's just that I've been a bit worried.
About what? About us.
You've been worrying about us for a fortnight? Yes.
We must be very important to you, then.
I hadn't really thought about it.
All right, Pen.
Come on, tell me.
Look, Vince, I know that what I'm going to ask won't be easy for you, it won't be easy for me either, but please try for me - For us.
- Name it.
I want you to forget what happened the other weekend.
Why, what happened? What happened? You mean you don't remember? Well, just jog me a bit.
My parents went away that weekend and you came to the house and stayed.
- Oh, that? - Yes, that! So what about it? I just want you to forget it.
I don't want you thinking that after what happened, you now have some kind of licence.
You mean I failed the test? - Vincent, please be serious! - All right, Pen, anything you say.
- Are we going to eat? - Oh, yes, our table's ready.
You see, Vincent, it was just one of those things.
An isolated incident.
It's like that film, simply Saturday night and Sunday morning.
- And Sunday afternoon.
- Forget it! I have.
Not hungry? No, not really.
I got a letter this morning.
What about? It was from Graham's solicitor.
There's been some legal hold-up and the divorce has been put back.
- Oh, well, that's nothing, is it? - Nothing? How can you say a divorce is nothing? What I mean, Pen, is there's no hurry.
There's no hurry for you, maybe, cos you're not the one getting divorced.
And you're never likely to be seeing that you're not the marrying kind.
Oh, I don't know about that, Pen.
I wouldn't mind getting married.
If the right girl came along.
Oh, there must be somebody out there for you, Vince.
Yes, there must be.
Hey, listen, it's just a change of date, that's all.
What difference does a few weeks make? I suppose you're right.
It's just the letter was addressed to me in my married name.
It's the oddest sensation, as if it's all happening to someone else.
Some other woman's getting divorced and I'm just doing the suffering for her.
I'm just being silly, aren't I? No, you're not, it's natural.
What was your married name? What? - I said, what was your married name? - Why? Well, no reason, it's not important.
Oh, good.
Well? - Well what? - What was your married name? Why do you want to know? You said it wasn't important.
Well, it wasn't important, but er it is now, though.
You had a clunky name.
I did not have a "clunky" name.
- It was something silly, wasn't it? - No.
- Then why are you frightened to tell me? - I'm not frightened of telling you.
- Well, go on, then.
- What? - Tell me.
- All right then.
If you're going to be childish about it, his name was Graham Pratt.
What's so funny? Who's laughing? Good.
That's all right, then.
Lovely bit of melon, Pen.
Yes, you seem to be enjoying it.
Do you fancy seeing a movie in the week? - What's on? - I dunno.
- Thought it'd make a nice change.
- All right, I'll check the papers.
Good.
So, er you were Mrs Pratt? Yes.
Mrs erm Pratt? - What about it? - Nothing, it's just I can't imagine you as Mrs Pratt.
Oh, I don't know, though.
I mean, what's in a name? For your information, Zonko, six months after we were married, Graham changed his name to Perry.
What, Perry-Pratt? You know what I mean.
First I was Penny Pratt.
Then I was Penny Perry.
And if I'd married you, I'd have been Penny Pinner! I'm just unlucky.
I wish I'd never got married in the first place.
- Well, look for the silver lining, Pen.
- What silver lining? Just think, if you hadn't married Graham, we couldn't have committed adultery.
Why don't you just put an ad in the Daily Mirror, you moron? - I'm sorry, Pen.
- I told you to forget about it.
- Why have I got to forget about it? - I just feel that we rushed into it.
I wasn't ready to commit myself, and I don't think you were, either.
Absolutely.
Urgh, it was horrible.
Look, explain this to me, Pen.
A couple weeks back we got ourselves a flat.
We were gonna live together.
- You were ready to commit yourself.
- Things change.
So we got ourselves a flat.
Look what happened to it.
- It was broken into, vandalised.
- So? It could've been a sign of something.
It was a sign of something.
A sign that you forgot to lock the front door! Don't bring that up again.
It could've been a sign that what we were doing was wrong.
Why have you suddenly become superstitious? Mummy happens to be a great believer in fate.
She says Mummy stuck her two-penny worth in.
I might've guessed the Witch Queen of New Orleans would be behind this! She's never been the same since she took that course in Advanced Voodoo.
Could we just drop the subject, please? - Are you still at the flat? - No, I'm staying at my parents'.
Yeah I suppose you feel about it the same way as I do.
Nothing in the world could force me to go back into that flat.
It'll always feel haunted, as if some living nightmare had taken place in it.
- Oh, Vince, couldn't we sell it? - I have.
There must be some young couple somewhere who'd really - Sorry? - I sold the lease last week.
I don't believe I'm hearing this! You sold our lovely flat? Lovely? You just said nothing could force you back in there! Time can be a great healer, Vince.
Here's your share.
I don't want the money.
This money means Is that all? This cheque is of no consolation whatsoever.
Chances are it'll bounce anyway.
You could've at least consulted me.
- Well, I tried to.
- Like hell you did.
What do you think all the phone calls and messages were about? Do you mean that's why you've been trying to contact me? Just about the sale of that grotty flat? Yeah, why, what did you think? It doesn't matter, Vince.
It's not important.
I've said something, haven't I? Didn't the other weekend mean anything to you? I've forgotten all about that, Pen.
How could you ever forget? You told me to forget about it! You've got a mind of your own, haven't you? I was only following orders! You annoy me, you do.
I annoy you? Oh, that's rich! You always remember the bad things I've done, never the good things.
What good things? - I taught you everything you know.
- You taught me? A man who's only just learnt which end of the toothbrush to stick in his mouth! I had a private education and a very expensive one at that! I'm not talking about academic qualifications, I'm talking about worldly things.
When I met you, you were like an innocent virgin who knew nothing about life.
That's because I was an innocent virgin who knew nothing about life! But we soon put a stop to all that nonsense, eh, Vincent? Absolutely.
You used to wear gingham dresses, sandals, plaits - And you had braces on your teeth.
- Ooh, you liar! You looked more like a Cabbage Patch doll.
If I looked like a cabbage patch doll, why did you make a play for me? I was going through a kinky stage.
For a moment there, I thought she was going to overreact! - When you're ready, Tom.
- I'm glad you've arrived.
Get your mate out of this pub.
- How lung's he been here, then? - Too bloody long! He spent the last couple of hours trying to light a plastic cigarette.
Lennie! My mate - Heads! - Get him out before I chuck him out! Yeah, leave it to me, Tom.
- What are you doing, Vince? - Just having a quiet drink, Len.
My host! Two large brandies for my friend and me.
There's no more for you to drink in here.
- Get off home to bed! - I've good mind to go and punch him.
Leave it out.
You've never won a fight in your life! - Ain't I? - No! I'll let him off, then.
What are you doing with your self? I ain't seen you like this for weeks.
It's Lady Penelope.
You know what she did to me? - She threw a pint of lager over me.
- Don't worry, I got you another one.
This happened this afternoon in a restaurant.
She left me sitting there, all covered in lager.
She didn't even kiss me goodbye.
- She don't love me no more.
- Oh, don't you be silly.
It sounds to me, with the chucking of the lager and all, that you might've upset her.
Takes everything to heart, that's always been her problem.
Listen, come here.
Come here I know something so awful, it'll make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.
Yeah? What? I've known the terrible truth for years, but I've never told a soul.
But now the time has come to reveal my dark secret.
- It's Penny's family.
- Yeah? What about them? They're Martians.
Do you know, I thought you were going to say something sensible.
They're Martians, Lennie.
Daphne the mother is the chief Martian.
You don't come much higher than her in the Martian pecking order.
She outranks Darth Vader! What about Penny? Is she a Martian too? Some times.
I've seen Penny transform herself into Scarlet O'Hara.
She did it this afternoon, rotten cow.
Dripping, I was! Yeah, I believe you, Vincy.
They're all Martians.
No.
No, Lennie, not all of them.
Norman, the one they pretend is the father he's a droid.
A what? A robot.
He's got little wheels under his slippers.
I discovered he was a robot many years ago.
One day, he went down hill.
I didn't think much of it at the time.
I just assumed Daphne was using a stronger poison.
But then And listen carefully to this, Lennie.
they didn't phone a doctor.
They called Home Tuning.
Bloody hell! - I do love you, you know, Len.
- Oh, don't get maudlin, Vincy! Let's get out of here.
- She don't love me.
- Good! Come on, out of that chair.
Just think, Len, if me and Pen had gone ahead with the wedding, we'd have had loads of little humanoids running around.
Beep-beep! - Get him out of here, will you? - All right, Tom, no problem! See, I've upset everyone today.
Look, I'm going to lean you against the wall and I'll phone you a cab.
That's all right, Len, I've got the car outside.
What? Are you putting me on, Pinner? You don't expect to drive home, do you? No, Lennie.
I'm going round to see Penny.
You're doing? Come back here! Don't you dare! Vince, I'm your friend, right? And as your friend, I'm asking you for the hundredth time, don't go in that house.
- I've got to, Len.
- But why? Because it's there.
There are things, important things, that need to be said, right? I have to speak with Penny.
It's imp It's imperara It's very important.
Look, you go in that house in this state, you'll regret it for the rest of your days.
You'll still be cringing about it when you're 80! Now, Vincent, I'm telling you as a friend that I'm not gonna allow this to happen.
Leonard I'm telling you as a friend, to push off and mind your own business.
Right, you wanna make a plum of yourself, you go ahead and do it! Cheers, Len.
You're a pal.
Here you are you can have my car.
I don't want your car! I've upset him now.
Everyone's so touchy today.
Feeling one degree under, are we, sir? No, I'm just pissed, officer.
- Who is it? - It's the police.
- The police? - Who is it, darling? - The police.
- The police? - Who is it, Norman? - It's the police! - What is it? - It's your husband, madam.
Graham? What's wrong with him? It's nothing to worry about.
He's er not very well.
He's suffering from spasmodic paralysis of the legs.
Oh! Oh, god! - Hi, Pen.
- Oh, hell! See what I mean, madam? He keeps falling over.
Yes, but this isn't my husband.
- You mean you don't know this man? - Yes, I know him.
We're sort of friends.
Oh, I see.
Well, that's a bit embarrassing.
Is your husband in? No, my husband and I have parted.
Oh, I see.
This is your friend.
Yes Oh, no! Well, er What appears to be the problem, officer? Oh, nothing really, sir.
Just a drunk stumbled onto the property.
- It's Vince, Daddy.
- Oh, this is your father? Yes, it's my father.
Now, please, could we get him up? He'll only fall over again, madam.
Get up, you moron.
You'll get piles lying there.
- I have to talk to you, Pen.
- I shall never talk to you again! What have I done, will somebody tell me? Why have you come here tonight, Vince, especially in this condition? I'm not drunk, if that's what you think.
My god! Give us a kiss, Daphne.
Could we get him inside, please? What do you mean? He doesn't live here! - I can't leave him roaming the streets.
- He is not entering this house! You can't just leave him outside, Mummy.
- I do love you, Pen.
- Oh, shut up.
He could stagger into the road and be seriously injured.
We'll just have to learn to live with it, won't we, Norman? Well, if you won't let him in, madam, I'll have to summon some assistance.
A black maria, a couple of squad cars.
Seems a shame to wake all the neighbours up, though.
The neighbours? Oh, my god, the neighbours! All right, fetch it in! Make sure you keep it off the rugs.
Be very careful, officer.
They're Martians.
Yes, sir.
Just shut up and behave yourself.
My god! His nasty habits will rub off on you eventually, you know.
- You'll end up spitting in the streets.
- Oh, Mummy, please! Tell me, Daphne, speaking as an outsider, what do you think of the human race? Get it out of my sight.
- Come on, let's get you upstairs to bed.
- Not bed again, Pen? Vince, will you just shut up? You can have your evil way with me tonight, Pen if you really insist.
Well? Oh, er Well, I'll be off, then.
Oh, if you have any more trouble with him, you know what to do.
- Call you immediately? - No, hit him with something.
Well, I'll bid you good night.
Look, I really feel I should do something to help.
Judging by the state of it, the best thing you can do is pop out to the garden shed and fetch the hose! I'm going to help Penny.
You most certainly are not.
This is her problem! Darling, I think it would be better if I were to undress him rather than Penny.
It is her responsibility, and the sooner she gets used to it, the better.
Oh, perhaps you're right, dear.
- Undress him? - Sorry? Oh, for god's sake, Norman, don't just stand there.
Get up those stairs! Well? No, it's still aching.
I'm not concerned with your stupid head.
Why did you do it? It's not like you.
Well, it is like you, but you've never been to the house like that before.
Don't you think you owe me some sort of explanation? I was drunk.
Oh, is that why? That explains all the falling into the hydrangea and throwing up in the bidet.
I needed to talk to you, so I had to get drunk.
I don't understand.
Why couldn't you have spoken to me while you were sober? Cos when I'm sober, I invariably say or do the wrong thing.
And when you're drunk, you don't? When I'm drunk, I don't care.
You always make me out to be the bad guy.
Huh! All right, tell me if I'm wrong.
I have been reliable and thoughtful.
What are you talking about now? A previous life? No, recently.
I haven't let you down.
Much.
But yesterday when you threw that pint of lager over me, I got to thinking all was not well between us.
I had this feeling.
It was the same feeling I had just before just before our wedding.
I felt as if I was mute.
I was speaking but you couldn't hear me.
It's like watching yourself die in the mirror.
I didn't know, Vince.
Why didn't you tell me? - Do you still feel the same? - No.
That's what I came to tell you.
Last time I felt like that, I jumped on my bike and roared off into the sunset.
- But this time I couldn't.
- Why? For two reasons.
One because I was low on petrol.
And two, I realised I couldn't leave you.
I'm afraid you're lumbered with me.
Well, we each have our cross to bear, don't we? I had to tell you this last night, it seemed so vital.
I wanted to bear my soul.
Why is it, whenever you decide to bear your soul, I'm the one that always has to hold the bucket? It's the way of things, Penelope.
- Why do I still love you? - Maybe it's because I'm very lovable.
You are a lying, lecherous, drunken ratfink.
I've got my bad points as well, Pen.
I bought you a present.
It's in the boot of the car.
What is it? A Cabbage Patch doll.
- Vince? - Hmm? Do you mind if I ask you something? Anything.
Well, do you remember a couple of days before our wedding? - Don't bring that up again, Pen.
- No, I'm not opening old wounds.
It just something I've always been curious about.
Well, go on, then.
When you, shall we say, left town for a while, where did you go? Canvey Island.
Canvey Island? Why? Well, I didn't mean to go there.
Nobody means to go to Canvey Island.
I just drove mile after mile of endless road, and suddenly there it was.
The Big Crab Apple.
It's the age-old story, isn't it? Girl meets boy, they fall in love, boy buggers off to Canvey Island.
Did you regret what you'd done? - Yeah.
- I mean really regret it? Course I did, Pen.
I mean, have you ever been to Canvey Island? It's about time I went home.
- I was only joking, Pen.
- No, you weren't.
You were thinking of your rotten self again.
Drive me home, Vincent.
Yessum, Miss Scarlet.
Don't whup me now.
Don't be so bloody silly! You can get home quicker if you take a shortcut through the woods.
I'm not going through there! A man might jump out on me.
It's all right, Pen.
Just tell him you're not ready to commit yourself yet.
- Are you going to drive me home? - Not a chance.
You're a pie! You drive me out here and then leave me stranded.
Still, it's par for the course where you're concerned! Do you want a lift home? - Yes, Vince, I do.
- Well, you can't have one.
Moron! What are you playing at, Pen? I am not moving from here.
- Come out of there, will you? - I'm staying here.
All right.
Stay there, then.
Come here Er, sorry! It's er