Kevin Can F*** Himself (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

1
Kevin and Allison Together forever!
Oh! Aah!
- So what'd I miss?
- I'm gonna kill Kevin.
You know any natural-born killers?
I think I might.
Okay, I can do it.
Is that a gun?
I have to protect us.
[GASPING]
- It was Nick.
- He wasn't supposed to
- come for another week.
- Oh, trust me, I know.
We don't take shootings lightly.
You may not want to go out of town.
I have a higher callin', babe.
I'm running for office!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
You're the one who tried to kill
her husband. And it was a bust.
And you're the one who helped.
[GASPS]
I heard everything.
Neil, it's not what you think.
You're not gonna tell Kevin anything.
♪
[PANTING]
[NEIL GROANING]
♪
Ah. What the hell are you doing?
- You were choking her!
- You were choking me!
I was not. I was trying
to get my phone back.
You had your hands on my neck!
What the hell were you thinking?
Oh, what? C-Come on.
She's trying to play victim here?
You tried to kill Kevin.
Kevin! [SCOFFS]
You're insane.
Everyone has to know. Kevin has to know.
He has to.
- [SCREAMS]
- Oh, shit!
Allison?
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Allison?!
Okay, okay.
- Allison?
- Okay.
We have to m-make it look
like none of this ever happened, okay?
Like normal.
Normal?
But this isn't normal.
None of this is normal.
I didn't know what to do.
So you kettled my brother?
How does this help?
Well, he's unconscious, right?
Which means he's not talking.
He's also not moving. What
are we gonna do about this?
Allison, hello?!
I know, I know.
Just please stop yelling, okay?
[NEIL GROANS]
Okay, I have a plan. I have a plan.
Give me your phone.
- Why?
- Give me your phone, okay?
Who are you calling?
Why are you still yelling?
Hi!
Hi, hi, hi, this is Allison.
Fine. Um, listen, I
could really use your help
with something.
[GROANS]
[DUCT TAPE RIPS]
[GROANS]
Hey.
I'm really sorry about all this.
I know.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
We'll fix it together, okay?
All of it.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Oh.
- [SIGHS]
- Hey.
- Whoa.
- Thank you.
- No, I mean hey,
hey, hey, Diane.
I You okay?
Fine.
Okay.
Well, thank you for
bringing the hand truck.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Sure you're okay, D?
Chuck's been cheating
on me for 10 years.
With Tanya Iacono
from across the street.
Oh, D, that That is terrible.
I am so sorry.
Am I that much of an idiot?
[NEIL GROANS]
No, no, no, no.
Sh-She has this curly
hair like Felicity.
[NEIL GRUNTING]
And she sells Avon.
Has all those fancy creams.
But, D, you you have
great hair, too, you know?
You're You're too good for him.
You're better off without him,
so just Just kick him to the curb.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
It's fine, it's fine.
Just to hell with him.
- Yeah.
- Right?
The jerk can't even remember to
To drink water unless I remind him.
He'll probably drop dead in a week.
Oh, that's the spirit.
Oh, hey, let's, uh
Let's go down the Seas for a few, huh?
- My treat?
- [THUD, NEIL GROANS]
Can I get a rain check?
Um, 'cause I've been
moving some furniture.
[GRUNTS]
- Okay.
- Okay.
♪
- Okay, I'll just
- Alright.
Bye.
[NEIL GROANS]
You have to keep him quiet.
I'm sorry, I've never
had a hostage before.
I'm not great at it yet.
I think it's technically
kidnapping, not hostage taking.
- Are you serious?
- [VEHICLE APPROACHING]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that's Kevin.
Oh, God.
[CAR DOORS OPEN IN DISTANCE]
Hmm?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, God, what a night!
It's like I was made for politicking.
It's those meaty mitts.
They're great for handshaking.
I've always been told I'm ham-handed.
Now I made it a positive.
Ah, this belt is killin' me.
Hey, think about it, though.
If you win, you could make this town
a much better place to live.
For us.
It's true. Think about it
Parades, no speeding tickets,
peeing outside any bar
we damn well please!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[GRUNTING]
Hey! We have to get him out of here.
Oh, yeah.
♪
That's it. I think
this new City Councilman
has earned himself a beer.
No, hey
- Oh
- [GRUNTS]
[WHISPERING] Lift with your legs.
[WHISPERING] Lift at all.
I am. Come on.
We got to focus. This
thing isn't yours yet.
They're picking the candidate this week.
So step one we got to
get your name out there.
Hmm. Oh, I still got that bullhorn.
Remember when we
protested the grand opening
of that new vegan barbecue place? Ugh!
No, we're gonna go
full "Mad Men" on this.
We're gonna come up with
an incredible TV ad campaign
- and day drink.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We have two days.
[GRUNTS]
You mean like an adad?
Yes. Something awesome?
Like my very own
Maybe it's Maybelline ♪
But tougher?
No!
Hell yes. I'm Kevin McRoberts,
and I approve that message!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Thin much? [LAUGHS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS]
Okay.
Okay what?
What are we gonna
How we gonna deal with this?
How's he gonna go to the bathroom?
I don't know yet.
He knows. Everything.
No, he doesn't know everything.
And Nick is alive.
This whole thing, when
it was just the two of us,
I-I don't know.
It seemed reasonable, justifiable.
But it wasn't, and it's not.
He knows, Allison, and now he's tied up
and bleeding, and we did that, too.
Okay.
Look, this is bad.
It is.
But at least we bought
ourselves some time.
Hey? We'll figure it out.
I just
need some more time.
Oh, God.
What time is it?
I have no idea.
Can't tell if it's been
20 minutes or 8 hours.
Oh, God.
Oh, no, Kevin must be up by now.
Ugh.
[GRUNTS]
What are you doing?
I went for a run.
I got up early, and I went for a run.
You're leaving me here to deal
No, no, no, no. I'll
be right back, okay?
I promise.
[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]
[FOOTSTEPS]
[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]
Finally, you kiss a baby [SMOOCHES]
you dump the baby, turn to camera,
say you approve this message
because your name is Kevin McRoberts.
- Boom!
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don't know, Dad.
What don't you know? Well,
that's your name, son.
I know, but this ad has Has no pomp,
It has no whimsy.
A-And you did all these drawings?
- Yeah.
- Dad, they're terrible.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Look, this town has to believe
you're a serious candidate.
Serious candidate?
Dad, the only thing serious
about me is my heart condition.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[PANTING]
I went for a run.
How many miles?
Two.
But, hey, I'm glad that you're here,
because now you can hear the new jingle
that I wrote for the campaign.
[CLEARS THROAT]
- Ke ♪
- No.
Kev, we got to get this right.
It's true. In two days,
the mayor is hand-picking
the next candidate.
And if the rumors of
his fetish are true,
- he's also feet-picking.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You're You're being seriously
considered for public office?
Absolutely! I'm gonna be like
Like an influencer, but for politicking.
[CHUCKLES] What do you call that?
Politician.
And And so this election, it's
Here to stay, baby!
Like that mole on my hip that
I refuse to get looked at.
- I nicknamed it Neil.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Speaking of, where is Neil, anyway?
Neil? Neil Neil? Neil? Neil? Uh
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Has he not been around?
I just assumed the world got quieter.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It is a rough ride
clinging to coattails,
but that is his job as
my best friend to hang on.
Maybe I need to go remind him of that
in the form of a purple nurple.
Oh, no, no, because, you know,
Patty said that he got food poisoning.
I guess he has that one plate
that he uses over and over.
Ah, yep, the blue one.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Son, he's a distraction, alright?
We've got to get focused.
Got to get serious. You
got to get thick shoes
that won't be punctured
by stray needles.
We're going to the vacant lot
to shoot this political ad!
Aw, man, Neil is gonna be bummed.
He loves that place.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER STOPS]
[DOOR OPENS]
[SNIFFLES] I've never hurt him before.
Hey.
Hey, if you need a
reminder of what he did
Jesus.
You were basically saving my life.
[BLOOD CRACKLING]
- Oh, God.
- [GROANING LOUDLY]
Okay, we have to get him to a doctor.
What, what? What?
That might be really
bad. I have no idea.
No. Hey. Hey.
He's awake. He's alert.
Watching all of "ER" does
not make you a doctor.
I don't like this situation
either, okay?
But we can't let him out
until we know he'll be quiet.
[MUFFLED YELL]
And how are we gonna do that?
I don't know. I don't
Blackmail? I don't
We'll figure it out, okay?
No, no.
[WHISPERING] We have
to do something now.
Reason with him.
Reason? With Neil?
Yeah. He's not a complete idiot.
He just wants you to think he is.
Why?
Because then you pay his rent
and bail him out for 30 years.
♪
- Wait, wait. What
- Trust me.
This place is a vault.
[PANTING]
- Bitch.
- Great start.
Okay, okay.
Neil.
This is a misunderstanding.
- A misunderstanding?
- Uh-huh.
Um, hello?!
You think I buy that I'm
tied up with a head wound
'cause I, what, heard you wrong?
- No.
- Yes.
It's 'cause you were choking Allison.
No, no, no, you would've
just called the cops,
not whatever the hell this is.
You tried to kill Kevin.
- Fine.
- No
Okay, but there were circumstances,
and it was a terrible
momentary thing, and it's over.
It's done.
Oh, like I'm just gonna believe you?
Look at what you did to me.
Well, look what you did to me.
Oh, that's the same as
trying to kill someone?
It's all bad, okay?
And I can't believe you helped her.
I thought you were one of us, but this?
You're clearly nuts.
I always knew you'd take after Mom.
- Ow!
- You're a useless piece of shit
- just like Dad!
- Okay.
- You hear me?!
- Okay. Okay.
Ah! Ow!
Neil. Think about it.
Kevin's, like, running
for public office.
He's a public figure now.
So it'd be suicide
for us to try anything.
Right?
Right?
Yes, ri Yes. Yes.
Yes. Right.
Okay. So you're done trying
to kill my best friend.
Congrats. You still tried once!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Who's
Help!
No! Oh! Shh, shh, shh! Help! Help!
Shut up! Okay. Shut up,
shut up, shut up, shut up.
You said this place was a vault.
It is, but now's not a
good time to test that.
[NEIL SCREAMING, MUFFLED]
Hey.
Hey.
Isn't that what you wore last night?
Mm, yeah.
I fell asleep on the couch.
Just woke up.
- Are you ready?
- Ready for
Don't you have a couple porch chairs
you Tom-Sawyered me into
putting together with you?
I mean, you said "with."
I assume you meant "for."
[CHUCKLES]
I'm I'm sorry.
I, uh I completely spaced.
The truth is, is I'm
I'm not feeling very well.
Oh, is that why you slept on the couch?
Yeah, mm-hmm.
Sorry. But you're in luck,
because I heat up chicken
noodle soup real well.
Mostly because I add extra pasta
Soup sounds great,
but let's not be here.
- Let's go out.
- Are you sure?
- I mean, if you're sick
- No, no.
Going out will do me good.
Fresh air and all that.
Why don't you go keep
warming the car, and I'll
I'll be there in a few minutes
after I, you know pbht!
I don't know. I kind of like
this look even more day two.
Shut up. I'll be right out. I
[GROANS]
- [MUFFLED] Help!
- Shh!
It's Tammy.
- Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
- Shut up.
Is she gone?
[SIGHS] I-I told her I was sick
and I'd go out for soup or something.
I don't know, I think I blacked out.
How the hell am I dating a cop?
Okay, no, no, it's good to
get her away from here, okay?
So you keep her happy. I'll stay here.
Are you sure?
I don't want to leave
you alone with him.
It's fine, it's fine.
I'll I'll work on him.
I'll try to fix it.
Okay. I'll be quick.
Okay.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Please.
♪
[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]
I really am sorry about all this.
No, I really am.
I didn't know what to do.
It just got out of hand.
[SIGHS]
What?
Does Patty pay your rent?
It was our parents' duplex.
No, but the mortgage.
She has to, right? 'Cause
you can't hold down a job
for more than a couple of weeks.
It's not my fault. I get overwhelmed.
Oh. Right.
And everything else?
Does Kevin pay for everything else?
[SCOFFS]
But how?
I can't even get him to
put gas in his own car.
He never does anything I want him to.
Why would he?
You know how often
you say, "But, Kevin"?
- Okay.
- We made a drinking game
out of it last St Paddy's day.
I blacked out.
Well, you also took a
header off Turtle Boy,
and Kevin laughed till he puked,
so it was a great day.
You're always trying to make
him do stuff or not do stuff.
But when has nagging him ever worked?
♪
Never.
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
So that's why you tried to kill him?
'Cause he doesn't care when you whine?
[SIGHS]
Maybe he doesn't care when I whine,
but he laughs when you bleed.
Oh, come on.
[MUFFLED GRUNT]
Maybe someday you'll see that.
MAN: Order up.
Isn't this place great?
It has zero charm, which
is of course my type.
Hey.
You feeling okay?
I'm sorry. I, uh, um
I thought getting out of the
house would help, but maybe
maybe this was a bad idea.
Were you up all night?
Pretty much.
Maybe I just go back with you.
No.
No. It's fine.
It's terrible being sick and alone.
I wasn't alone. Allison
came by a few times.
Mm.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
I know you don't like her.
But you don't really know her.
Do you?
Know her or like her?
Either.
Yeah.
I mean, it
It's just like you with Bram.
I don't get it at all,
but you cut that guy all kinds of slack.
- He's my partner.
- Yeah, and she and I
are around each other a lot.
We put up with the same idiots all day.
I don't know. I mean,
she looks out for me.
I look out for her.
If you say so.
I do.
- [BELL DINGS]
- Order up.
Excuse me.
Oh, good, you're home.
I need you to look at something.
No, I am not doing that again.
Just get a hand mirror and
lift your legs over your head.
No, my dad just sent over the
rough cut of our political ad.
I need the opinion of
the uninformed public.
Please sit.
Kev, after what happened,
isn't it a lot to put ourselves through?
It's not a lot, babe.
It's only a 30-second ad.
No, I mean this whole election thing.
It's It's It's too much.
It's not too much, I promise.
We We'll fund-raise.
It won't cost us a thing.
But, Kevin!
"But, Kev-i-i-in."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Never mind.
Let's watch the ad.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Hi, I'm Kevin McRoberts,
everyday hero. And I, Kevin McRoberts,
am running for City Council.
That's Kevin McRoberts K-E-V-I-N,
big "M," little "c," big "R,"
little "o," little "b," little "e"
Why'd you pause it?
You didn't watch me finish spelling.
Well, I know how it ends.
I'm I'm just worried
that this ad, it
It isn't you.
How do you mean? Dad says it's
all about name recognition.
That's my name.
No, I mean it just doesn't
capture how awesome you really are.
Bro.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Call me absolutely insane
but you might actually be right!
You know, when Dad was
story-boarding it out,
I did feel a little
Like a Like a weenie little pansy boy
- got dressed up by his daddy.
- Okay, okay.
You need to show your
voters who you really are,
your authentic kickass self,
and they'll remember you forever.
Forever?
Or at least until they vote.
Yeah, but how would
we finish it in time?
The ad's due to Local
Access 37 by tomorrow.
I'll help you.
Last time you said that,
you grabbed the wheel,
and I crashed into a fire hydrant.
Instead of a crowd of children.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
That's it. It's settled.
You and me, babe, we are gonna
make a political ad together!
Okay. Let's get our
creative juices flowing.
Okay, okay, let's brainstorm.
Oh, no, no, that's what
I call pounding beers
and ripping shots. [LAUGHS]
Of course.
[POUNDS CHEST] I'm in.
Yes! Here you go.
Let's introduce this town to
the authentic Kevin McRoberts.
[LAUGHS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And this time, they're staying down!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS]
PATTY: Allison?
Allison?
What happened? Where's Allison?
She ran out of here right after you.
She did? Why?
She's with Kevin, probably
trying to kill him again.
What the hell is she thinking?
What the hell are you thinking?
No.
Don't start.
Don't start that guilt-tripping crap.
Oh, it's crap?
Look at all this.
- Ugh.
- I don't know why I'm bothering
to try and make you care,
because she won't let me go,
and you do what she
says, no questions asked.
- That's not true.
- Oh, please.
I've been watching you two.
She says "we" all the time
like you're in this together,
but, Patty, where is she?
You do the work, and
she calls the shots.
So why waste my time trying
to get you to help me, Trish?
Don't call me that.
But Lisa Fazzolari called you
that your entire junior year.
That girl kept failing
her driver's test,
and you'd chauffeur her everywhere,
once to a party that you
weren't even invited to, right?
Shut up.
You just sat outside
keeping the car warm,
but this is even more pathetic.
I don't care what you think.
You had your hands on her.
What excuse could you possibly have?
It was an accident. Every
report card I ever got
said I don't know my own strength.
And it was bullshit then.
She tried to kill someone.
I could argue it was self "offense."
Oh, God. Just stop.
Jesus.
She's
- That is no victim.
- Neil.
Neil. [SCOFFS]
[EXHALES SLEEPILY]
Neil.
Patty?
No, no, no.
Patty!
Patty?
Patty!
What happened? Did he get out?
No.
I let him out.
- What are you talking about?
- I brought him to the hospital.
- W-Why?
- I had to.
Whatever happens, happens,
but having him sedated in there
is better than dead in my basement.
Well, I didn't want him dead
in your basement, either,
but we could have found another way.
Why didn't you trust me?
I couldn't wait for you
to realize this is serious.
Oh, you think I don't know that?
I didn't want to hurt him.
I didn't want any of this.
- But also
- Stop showing off the bruise.
Yes, Neil did that,
but you're not just some victim.
He's gonna talk when he wakes up.
Maybe he should.
What?
I hope not.
And I'll figure something out,
but I'll figure it out alone.
You don't have to figure it out alone.
Why did you leave?
You left Neil in the basement.
What were you doing with Kevin tonight?
After everything that's happened,
you're still trying to kill him?
No, I just I can't
have him in this election.
Can you imagine him in any
position of power? Come on.
I'm not an idiot, okay?
Don't you just assume that I'll go along
with whatever you say, on your side,
no questions asked.
You want him out so that
you can try to run him over
or force feed him Oxys
and no one will care.
He'll be He'll be nobody.
Patty, I'm sorry, okay?
But I had to do this tonight.
And it's done, I think.
So I am here.
I'm not gonna make you try to
figure this out by yourself, okay?
I really, I I am here.
No.
No, you're not.
Not anymore.
Just take care of yourself, alright?
And I'll do the same.
[SIREN WAILING]
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
Dad, Allison, come in here!
The ad airs in like 30 seconds!
I'm exhausted, I'm hungover,
and this is all I'm living for.
I thank you for your support.
I'm so excited. My pulse is racing.
Have 911 pre-dialed.
Shoot, I wanted to tape this.
Oh, no. Don't worry.
I called the station.
The campaign bought 40 spots.
They'll be airing over and over all day.
Shh, shh, shh.
My ad is on.
Wild Dude!
[IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR]
He is a cool dude.
[IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR]
He shoots the bad dudes.
[IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR]
The Worcester Wild Dude!
- Is that the mayor?
- Yeah.
Yeah. I heard that he plays
darts, and Allison thought
that this might signal to
him that we could be bros.
Bros, yeah, bros.
The Worcester Wild Dude!
[IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Where the hell is my ad?
Uh, scrapped for authenticity.
[SIGHS] That was awesome.
Now I guess we just, uh, sit back
and wait for my political star to rise.
Kevin, what happened to messaging?
Assertive pointing? Name recognition?
Uh, Dad, I'm pretty sure people
will remember me after that.
[LAUGHS]
You didn't say your real name once!
[CELLPHONE RINGING]
[GASPS] It's the mayor.
Uh, excuse me while
I retire to my office.
Kevin "Worcester Wild Dude"
McRoberts at your service.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I knew I should have stayed out
of politics after Whitewater.
The Clinton scandal?
No, I went rafting with Gerald Ford.
The boat flipped. I had
to give him mouth-to-mouth.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[GROANS LOUDLY]
- What's up?
- I'm out of the race.
No!
No
And he's filing a restraining
order against me.
Just like Jeff Probst did against Neil.
Ugh, they booted me from my destiny.
You nailed the mayor in the eye!
[LAUGHING]
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
[PHONE LINE RINGING]
- DIANE: Hello?
- Diane? Hi. [CHUCKLES]
We are going to the Seas, and I
am buying you a bunch of drinks,
because maybe this is a win for you.
♪
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENTS OVER P.A.]
[MONITOR BEEPING]
♪
[GROGGY] They tried to
kill him. Can you believe?
♪
Bitches tried to kill me, too.
♪
You're fine. Everything's fine.
[CHUCKLES]
I've never seen you drink like this.
Like I'm having fun?
[SCOFFS] Like there's no tomorrow.
Okay, what what are
we toasting to again?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Feminism?
Feminism?
I don't know. Or something.
Oh, la-di-da.
I didn't realize you were
busy changing the world.
I'm not.
But I did something,
and it feels amazing.
Mm-hmm.
I just need to focus on that
before everything else
just crumbles to the ground,
you know?
Mm-hmm.
D!
This whole Chuck thing,
you're better off, okay?
You're never gonna have to look
at another open cabinet again.
Not just the cabinets.
The back door, the bathroom
vanity, the dishwasher.
I could have tripped over that
and broken my neck, you know?
But he couldn't be bothered.
22 years, I spent closing
stuff behind that man.
No, D, this isn't sad.
This is like when someone dies,
but they're really old, so it's fine.
This isn't a funeral,
it's a celebration.
Yeah. Yes.
But I've been Mrs. Charles
McAnte for so long,
it's like it's like I
like cleaning up after him,
because I don't know what I did before.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Well, you you were
a whole other person.
And you'll find her again, okay?
Just need a few more wins.
Hmm.
Hey, is that Kevin?
It's on again. Turn it up.
It It is. It's Kevin.
Wild Dude!
[ALL IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR]
- What?
- "He shoots the bad dudes."
[ALL IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR]
- "He is a cool dude."
- KEVIN: He is a cool dude.
No, no, no, no.
"The Worcester Wild Dude!"
Why is your husband on TV, huh?
Your husband's the Worcester Wild Dude?
- Yeah.
- That's awesome!
Okay. Okay, uh, how do you know this ad?
Oh, it's been airing
over and over all day.
Then News Channel 12 picked it up.
I heard it made it over
to Channel 6 out of Boston.
[LAUGHS]
Why?
It's hilarious. I heard he's gonna be
over at Kelly's Bar tomorrow,
singing the song live.
[LAUGHS] Allison?!
Kevin's famous!
[FADING, ECHOING] Oh. Okay,
that is worth celebrating.
I mean, I bet Kevin never forgets
to close a cabinet behind him, huh?
The only time Chuck ever made the news
was during the blackout of '03
when he looted that
dollar store, but Kevin?
KEVIN: Cheers, everybody!
Everyday Hero!
Put another win on the board!
ALLISON: The world revolves around him.
No, it's not that it
does, it's that it has to.
ALLISON: No one deserves
what's coming to them
more than that asshole.
Yeah!
ALLISON: It's why he always wins.
[LAUGHTER ECHOING]
[ALLISON GROANS]
[SIGHS]
Ugh.
[CHUCKLES]
Shoot.
["I'M SHIPPING UP TO
BOSTON" RINGTONE PLAYS]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Glad you went in a ditch
'stead of hitting anyone else.
The guys at the scene told me
you fell asleep at the wheel?
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENTS OVER P.A.]
Your husband a cop or something?
Or something, yeah.
Must be nice.
PATTY: What happened to you?
Got in an accident.
How do I make this better?
Maybe you can't.
You didn't do this on your own.
I hit him first.
At least now you're free to focus on
whatever you're doing to Kevin.
[SIGHS]
I made it worse. [SCOFFS]
- What?
- Yeah, um
Somehow I made him famous?
Got out of a DUI tonight
because the cops found
out I was his wife.
Wait.
You drove drunk?
What were you thinking?
I can't leave.
I can't kill him.
I'm stuck here like this until I die,
and that's if I'm lucky.
That's if Neil doesn't talk
and Nick you know.
So
Why not get drunk and drive my car?
Allison?
This self-destructive bullshit?
Killing yourself?
It's just playing the victim again.
[CACKLES]
Good morning!
Good morning. [LAUGHS]
I said, "Good morning." [LAUGHS]
Is it?
Of course it is.
I thought I was out.
I thought I was down.
But instead, I'm a celebrity!
Oh, God, I'm like a taste-maker.
I'm practically the ninth Wahlberg.
[LAUGHS]
You always find a way to win.
[SIGHS] And fix your face,
'cause you're winning by proxy.
Right, like my face is the problem.
Oh, and, uh, as
Mrs. Worcester Wild Dude,
you should get a lot of cred,
which you need after word got out
that you ordered Starbucks
over Dunkie's that one time.
But hey, I got a big, uh,
photoshoot this afternoon,
and I want you there with me, baby.
I don't want to be in photos.
Oh, no, I mean like to cheer me on.
What do you think?
I think I'd rather fake my own death.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY]
[APPLAUSE]
[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]
PATTY: What? [VOICEMAIL BEEPS]
Patty, I figured it out.
PATTY: Allison?
This self-destructive bullshit?
Killing yourself?
It's just playing the victim again.
ALLISON: Nick, your brother,
everything that's happened
I know what we're gonna do.
Put it all on me.
[SIGHS]
God damn it!
ALLISON: I'm trying to fix this.
I have a longer-term solution.
I meant it when I said I'm out.
Okay.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi.
The electricity is out at my place.
I'm just trying to save up right now.
DIANE: Oh, yeah? For what?
Vacation.
They discharged me early.
- Neil?
- Kev!
I gotta tell you something.