Key and Peele (2012) s02e01 Episode Script

All right! Yeah! Thank you.
Thank you so much for coming out.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I am Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
Thank you.
We're just gonna get it out of the way and just say it.
So first thing's first.
We-- We met the President.
So [bleep.]
you.
So [bleep.]
you.
- We did.
We met him! - We met the President.
And it was amazing, because he was cooler than I thought he was gonna be, He was taller than I thought he was gonna be, and he was more handsome than I thought he was gonna be.
- Yes.
He was-- - It was everything, you know? - He was everything to me.
- He was everything-- He was unbelievable.
It was like, I-I wouldn't have been happier if I had found my real father.
Just beaming.
- Real-- - And the first thing-- the first thing he said to us was he said-- he said, "I know it's real hard for a brother on TV.
" It's real hard.
That was the first thing out of his mouth.
It's true.
I guess he saw the Luther sketch.
You know, I don't know if you guys remember the Obama, Luther sketches that we did.
His anger translator.
That was awesome.
My [bleep.]
.
That was my [bleep.]
.
He's keeping the secret service - on their toes.
- on their toes.
He goes to one of his aides, he goes, "Can I get some water?" and goes, "Do we trust her? "Do we trust" He says that to the secret security.
- Oh, my God.
- She gives him her water.
My man goes like this.
He goes, "All right, thank you.
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
" He did that, yes.
Very funny guy.
Very funny guy.
But it was great, 'cause after the meeting, What did he say to us? He just gave us like-- He's on his way out, And my man said Like this "By the way, don't let me do anything too crazy.
" (as Obama) All right.
Everybody focus up.
Look.
This party tonight could be a model for the way that the world should work.
and I just want to say I'm totally stoked to the max about it.
All right? You guys feeling good? Oh, Dennis, what, are you shooting video? Yeah, man.
All right, well, Be careful with that.
I might run for office someday.
Now, trust me, I think that this party can be the most inspirational party this campus has ever seen.
Is that coming to me? Let me just grab that.
That's some righteous bud.
Some righteous bud we got going on there.
We need some bodacious jock babes coming in.
We need some hot-ass punk rock babes.
I-I-I don't care where they come from.
The most important thing-- it's imperative that we have a diversity in the, uh pussy department.
Intercepted.
Don't sleep on Barry O.
Don't ever sleep on Barry O.
Whoo! That is some major doobage.
Come now, Mary Magdalene.
Stand and be forgiven for your sins.
But, Jesus, how can I be forgiven? I'm a prostitute.
No, child.
You were a prostitute.
That life is behind you now.
Mary Magdalene! Where you at, bitch? Oh, no, Jesus.
I think it's my pimp.
I think he found me.
There you are! Man, took me forever to find yo ass! I been lookin' all over for you! You know how many bitches named Mary there are up in here? Now get your ass in that caravan! No! No, I'm not going with you, Galileroy.
I'm gonna stay here with Jesus.
What the flip is this? You washing this [bleep.]
feet? - Maybe.
- Well, I taught you that! I rescued you from that fishing village, I cleaned you up and got you out to work, and now this is how you repay me? You go out and get yourself another pimp? Hell, no, brotha, she's mine.
I don't think you understand.
She's not going with you.
Well, I can't afford to lose her.
I already lost three bitches to leprosy, all right? All I got left is Mary, a cripple, and two blind chicks, Who-- Actually, you know, they get requested a lot.
Don't ask me how that works.
Get outta here! I'm not going with you, Galileroy.
I'm staying here with Jesus, and I'm warning you, Jesus has, like, - Tell him.
- Oh, 12? Pssh.
Okay, all right, so this Mother[bleep.]
a serious pimp.
No, my friend.
You're confused.
It's 12 men.
Uh, what-- what, you a gay pimp? I'm not a pimp.
I'm a carpenter.
Carpenter? Then why does your house look like [bleep.]
? I've been busy with non-carpentry work.
Okay, that's it.
Bitch, pack your [bleep.]
.
Get in the caravan and make me some money.
No! And I don't have any stuff to pack.
Jesus says we don't need things.
- What the-- - Is this all about money? Hell, yeah, it's all about money, brotha.
I have a saying.
It goes like this.
- Oh, you're gonna love this.
- Shut up.
It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.
- Whew.
- Oh, yeah? Well, I got a saying too.
It's eas-- You know, why don't you pass your own-- pass your ass through the need-- Man, [bleep.]
you, man.
Come on! The girl stays.
- What? - Oh! Mother[bleep.]
, I slap you, and you want me to hit you on the other cheek? That ain't gangsta.
This [bleep.]
is crazy.
You can have him.
I'm done.
Wait, friend.
So you know that there are no hard feelings, would you care to join us for dinner? What y'all havin'? And you're all going to Hell.
Okay.
Except for the Jews, who are already going to Hell.
Okay.
So, uh-- You looked like the Jack of Hearts in that sketch.
I know, I have that wig at home.
I have it at home.
Looked like Katt Williams had a finger-roll moustache.
Crazy.
Um, so we, uh - we find the South fascinating.
- The South.
to say the le-- The southern part of the United States of America.
And my favorite thing about going down to the South is that white people will come up to you, and just, "I just want to talk to you.
It's okay.
We don't hate you.
" - Yes.
Yeah.
- "We don't hate you.
" That's my experience in the South.
White people go, "Hi, see this? See what I'm doing?" - What is-- What is that? - It's fine.
It didn't-- See, and I didn't even think It was gonna rub-- I'm-- I'm fine.
- I'm sm-- I'm-- - I'm fine.
I'm smoking crack too.
It's good.
We're good.
I'm smoking crack.
Look, I've-- I've stolen your purse.
- It's okay.
- It's all right.
I [bleep.]
your daughter.
I [bleep.]
your daughter, so I had sex with your black daughter.
It's okay.
- I desire her - All right.
as much as you desire-- So let's laugh at some rednecks.
Okay, right on.
That's right.
Here we go.
Men, as we launch the counterattack against the Union army, we must remember that even though we may die a glorious death on the battlefield, we do so to preserve a way of life.
The southern way of life.
A way of life so pure and beautiful that no man nor government can take this away from us.
The right The right to preserve.
our own so-- to-- We a-- Oh, [bleep.]
.
Well, hello there, Massa.
Sorry we late.
Shore didn't mean to sneak up on ya, sir.
Look, fellas, we're trying to have a nice, little Civil War reenactment here.
We don't want any trouble.
So are we, sir.
We-- we-- we trying to have a real nice reenactment.
We certainly don't wanna cause any trouble either.
Do we, Sam? You always taught us trouble only comes to those who gone done lookin' for it.
So don't stop your speechin' on our account.
As Jefferson Da-- Okay, I know what you're doing.
I get it.
What we doin', sir? I don't know what you talkin' 'bout.
Do you know what he talkin' 'bout, Sam? Why, we just here to slave on about, any ole which way you want us to.
How many times do I have to tell people, just because we're dressed like Confederate soldiers doesn't mean we're pro slavery? We're just here to preserve the pure and beautiful slice of southern history.
Yeah, pure and beautiful slice.
Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy! We sorry, boss! Oh, we so sorry! Please don't give us the whip.
Okay, nobody's gonna whip anybody, just stop it.
Yeah, just stop it.
All right, fellas, just-- just ignore 'em.
All right? Now, we're here to preserve our way of life.
- The South has a right to own-- - Oh, my Lord, Lord The South has a way of life-- - Oh, my Lord - The Union cannot stop us fr-- Oh, my Lord, Lord Oh, my Lord The Union Yankee bastards cannot stop us-- Oh, Lord! All right, stop it! Stop it! That's enough! You wanna be part of this reenactment? Fine.
You're part of it.
Go-- Go fetch us some munitions and everything else that-- Don't just stand there like a bunch of lazy [bleep.]
.
- That good enough for you? - That is all I needed to hear.
Gentlemen, give us your cash and anything that is an actual collector's item.
You racist mother[bleep.]
.
Okay.
Don't have all day, man.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Wallets, wallets, wallets, wallets.
That's a very nice piece.
These are heavy.
Apartheid is totally gnarly.
It's a gnarly institution.
Where is the-- Dennis, Den-- There we-- Come here.
Get this, get this.
Okay, we-- we gotta have a system in place to get everybody weed.
All right? So just watch-- This is how you're gonna do it.
All right, this-- this is-- I'm really [bleep.]
frosty right now, by the way.
This is your Constitution, all right? It's just a piece of paper.
We gotta keep its integrity, 'cause it's gonna hold everything together.
This right here This is us.
This is the American people.
We're special.
We're magic.
Whoa, yay, we all live in here.
All right, the most important thing is that we don't get too far apart.
Me and you, we-- we gotta be close.
that's--that's the magic of America is love.
Otherwise, you're gonna get air bubbles in there.
It's gonna start canoeing and everything.
We don't want that, All right? You get that? All right, look.
I'm way ahead of you, bro.
I'm already done.
Boom, fireworks.
Fourth of July.
That's for you.
We want like a ton of these.
Oh, my God, I'm so [bleep.]
blazed.
I'm so [bleep.]
high.
Oh, [bleep.]
.
What was I saying? Well, I just want to talk about, real quick-- I just want to talk about the fact that reality shows-- they always have to have a British judge.
Yes.
Yes! What the [bleep.]
is that about? Why? Why-- are we so obsessed with the Revolutionary War That we need a fobbish Brit judging us every fu-- to tell us what's right and wrong? What the [bleep.]
is that? I mean, that's a lo-- Hundreds.
We're talking about the 18th century.
Looking down their no-- We won that war! Why are they-- Why are they here? Why do they own all of our television shows? I know, I know.
And-- and-- and I know-- I know that there's-- there's gotta be at least one woman in this room who had sex with a British guy because of the way he talks.
Is that-- Are you out-- She's right in front of us.
She's right-- She ma-- You ma-- There he is, he's right there! It's happening right here! But I mean I don't see any British teeth in this situation.
They just-- They look great.
They look great.
They look great! We met B-Boy Joseph in Atlanta, G.
A.
Hi, Joseph.
(British accent) All right.
Yeah.
Start the music.
Has he started yet? I think-- I'm pretty sure this is it.
Thank you.
- Yeah, thank you.
- I ain't done yet, though.
- Thank you, Joseph.
It's--it's definitely a no for me.
It's a no.
I'm sorry.
No.
All right.
Thank you, Joseph.
Guys, you-- you know, I ain't got no formal trainin' or nothin' like that.
I live on the streets.
That was very apparent, as it turns out, Joseph.
Thank you for coming.
Y-You know that my mama's on drugs, and my daddy in jail.
It's not-- not really relevant.
Born in a coffee can under a bridge.
That's terrible, Joseph.
That's-- That's awful, but it's not going to-- My sister shot my brother while my cousin beat my uncle.
- Now it's a lie.
- It's a little bit much.
Joseph, thank you very much, but-- Put myself through school by renting my body out as a heroin suitcase.
- All right, I see what's going on.
- Wow.
Joseph, please, we--we do have other dancers here today, who are waiting their turn very politely.
No, Joseph, let her come onstage.
- Oh! Oh! - Let her come-- No, Joseph.
If I win this competition, I could put a roof over my house.
'cause I got a house ain't got no roof.
For real, though.
Joseph Just one little thing, though.
Don't do it, Joseph.
- It was a loud bridge.
- Don't finish that sen-- I got hearing damage in this ear.
- Joseph! - And also in this ear.
Joseph! The bridge had-- had trucks go over it.
- Joseph.
- 'cause the bridge-- - Keep it.
- 15-ton-- Hold it.
Put it in your mouth.
And get off my stage.
Ra-- rated six.
- Joe - That's a big truck.
seph.
Okay, Joseph, please.
And who is this? Oh, who is this right here? This is my 12-year-old daughter, who I raised all by myself without the help of anybody else in the entire world.
She is my inspiration.
Joseph, it doesn't matter.
There's nothing you can do or say that's going to make us change our minds today.
That right there, that right there, that's her daughter.
She blind.
Come on.
So I raised them both by myself without nobody else's help.
Come get your ticket to Vegas.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! - Vegas! - Can you believe it? I'm getting goosies over here.
I'm getting goosies.
I-I am.
- You're an athletic guy.
- I do like to-- I like to, uh, dabble in the athleticals.
You were-- I mean "athleticals.
" What the [bleep.]
is-- (English accent) played a little football in my day.
Do not play Scrabble with this guy.
- He will just make [bleep.]
up.
- Yeah.
The athleticals.
I also hurdle, or hurdled.
- Oh, you got the hurdle on? - Yup, yup.
You know the hurdle le-- I was teaching the hurdle.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's all about the lead leg.
- Lead leg.
- Okay, now, now, now - Too much energ-- - Lead leg, lead leg.
- No, too much energy.
- And then you got-- you got - Trail leg, trail leg.
- Oh, boy.
Because a hurdle's not a jump.
Hurdle is not jumping.
- No more.
- Hurdling is-- It's exaggerated walking.
It's not jumping.
You get the lead leg going, and then-- trail leg.
You gotta pull it over.
- All right.
- Lead leg.
Check this out.
You really only wanna take three steps.
One, two, three, and jump.
One, two, three, lead leg.
All right, check this out.
Check this out.
Check this out.
What a mind-blowing finish to an incredible game tonight, with Charlie Sanders winning the game in literally the last second.
Unbelievable, Truly spectacular.
Charlie Sanders, how does it feel? Hey, yo, I wanna say somethin' to everybody watchin'.
Yo, you can do anything! Anything's possible! The world is yours! And Charlie, did you think that that game was gonna end that way tonight? Yo, there are no limits, all right? You can swim across the Atlantic.
You can jump real high and touch the Moon! Fantastic.
Charlie Sanders, Fresh off of his, uh, victory.
I just feel like he's ready to touch the Moon.
I can fly! Anybody can fly! If you believe in yourself the way I believe in myself tonight, you will fly! And what's next for Charlie Sanders and the orange-- Kids, you can actually fly! No-- No, not-- oh, not literally, of course.
Yes! Literally! Kids! Young kids, I want you to go up on your roofs right now! - Wait, what? - Fly into the night sky! - Okay.
- People will see you flying! And then you can do anything! You can do anything! Okay, well, we-- we-- we-- we just want to remind the kids that of course, you cannot actually fly, kids.
Yo, screw that negativity, man! Hey, boys and girls, ages 8 through 12! Yo, don't let nobody ever tell you what you can and cannot do! All the preteen children out there, listen to my voice! You are immortal! Okay, well, obviously, we understand that Charlie is super excited right now, and that no one is actually immortal, nobody at all.
Hey, kids! You can turn yourself into a car and have a friend drive you onto the freeway! Okay, no-- Well, that's just a metaphor, kids.
- It's not! - Just a metaphor-- You still have the power of childish innocence! Get a friend on your back, and make a beeline for the next ramp to the freeway, y'all! - Okay, don't do any-- - To the freeway! He's speaking figuratively, folks.
Once you get there, ain't nothing figurative about this! You will turn into a robot! First and foremost, I just want to say to all the families who lost children, I'm sorry.
My statements were irresponsible.
I have subsequently looked up the terms "literally" and "metaphorically," and found that whereas I was not incorrect, they did not mean what I thought they meant.
But-- And that-- You know another thing I love? I love-- I love-- no athlete ever thanks his dad.
No.
Mom, I love you! I love you, ma! Mom, I love you, man! Dad, where the [bleep.]
were ya? Where are you, Dad? All right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.
Thank you so much for coming.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.