Killing It (2022) s02e01 Episode Script

1
[SLICK MUSIC]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
- Oh, hell yeah.
That's badass. You're a fucking warrior.
You're Tarzan. You tame the jungle.
Now do one where you're smiling.
Okay.
Bigger smile.
Bigger. Come on.
Think about all the snakes you killed.
No, I didn't like killing snakes.
The magazine sent
over a bio that said
I was broke and I entered a contest.
I used the winnings to
start building my empire,
but it was horrifying.
Okay, then think about your empire.
Think about how rich you are.
Think about how much more money you have
than every other person
in this room combined.
- Come on, man.
- That doesn't make me smile.
I mean, there's only five people here.
Hold on, I just gotta swap lenses.
- Give me the 50.
- Grab the 50!
You know, I've shot a
ton of CEOs, 12 covers.
This snake thing has got to be
the craziest origin
story I've ever heard.
Honestly, that shit was boring
compared to what came next.
Oh, fuck. What came next?
Three words:
saw palmetto berries.
♪
- Oh.
- They're worth a fortune
and they only grow in coastal Florida.
I mean, okay. Cool.
Cool?
- It was a modern-day gold rush.
- Yeah, sure.
It just sounds way less
exciting than snake hunting.
That's because you haven't
heard the story, motherfucker.
Listen up.
- [EQUIPMENT BEEPING]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
One, two, three.
Welcome to Henry's Farm.
As you can see, we're
just getting settled.
It's taken a long time
to get to this point,
but we're on track.
This lush and fecund swampland
is ready to burst forth
with fertile abundance.
Did we agree on that language?
We'll postgame later. Stay focused.
As my partner was saying,
a purchase commitment
from Green Bounty Organics
would allow us to secure
additional funding to grow
Okay, okay, okay, okay. We're in.
- What?
- You are?
Saw palmetto extract is huge.
The whole men's health
market is exploding,
so we're prepared
to prepurchase your entire crop.
What do you say?
I'm sorry, I'm just so
used to being rejected.
I was prepared to follow
you to your car pleading.
And I was supposed to tell you
how both of our dad's died.
Gunshot, heart attack.
Why would that have been relevant?
Endearing context for our struggles.
- It doesn't matter.
- Yes, we will take the deal.
- Here we go.
- [CHUCKLES]
Ooh!
Do you want to sign
on the hood of my car?
Or, if you don't mind waiting,
we can do it in our new office,
kick this partnership off in style.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck.
No!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
You know, I can actually sign out here.
It's nice to do business in the sun.
Jillian, back desk, now!
Initial here. Sign here.
We're in business. No backsies.
♪
[PHONE LINE TRILLING]
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
♪
Yo, it's Zay. Leave a message.
[LINE BEEPS]
It's me, calling again
for the hundredth time.
Hope you're having fun
out west or wherever.
Nessa's coming. I get
to show off to her,
so it's a big day here.
Thought I'd give you a
shot, see if you answer.
Anyway, give me a call.
This is your brother, Craig,
from growing up together.
♪
[DRIVING HIP-HOP MUSIC]
♪
[CHUCKLES] Gabriel.
There he is. How's it going?
I almost filled up another
crate of the berries, sir.
[LAUGHS] I love that!
[WHISTLING]
Angel, my man.
How much money did you make me today?
- Uh
- I'm kidding with you.
I'm just in such a good mood.
My daughter's visiting
from California today.
She's never seen the farm.
I'm so excited to show her
something I built with my own two hands.
Our own four hands.
Everyone lends a hand.
It doesn't matter.
[WHISTLING]
♪
[SIGHS]
J Glopp, what up, partner?
I feel so bad parking the
Kia next to the billboard.
It's like bringing a hot
new boyfriend around an ex.
I know you love this car, Jillian,
but it's really not that special.
So now Bluetooth connectivity
is "not that special."
I'm sorry, can you transmit
sound through the air?
That's kind of what talking is.
Your Toyota Tundra's a fucking joke.
- What was that?
- Nothing.
Is Nessa here yet? Are you excited?
- You must be so excited.
- I can't wait.
It's been ten months. She's 13 now.
She's never seen me
succeed at anything before.
If you want your daughter
to like the place,
you might want to have the guy come
and empty the port-a-potty.
Shayla, it was just emptied last week.
It needs to be emptied every week, boss.
There are only five of us on this farm.
It shouldn't fill up that fast.
Oh, I know it shouldn't, and yet
Look, I don't want to get
in another fight about this
because my daughter's
coming and I don't want to be
embarrassed in front of her,
but I go above and beyond
what's legally required of
me in terms of sanitation.
I'm not as versed in shit law as you,
but I do know this: it bakes in the sun,
and if I'm in there for
more than 20 minutes,
I feel like I'm about to pass out.
Why are you ever in there
more than 20 minutes?
Whoa, asking a woman?
That's technically harassment,
Craig, and you're on tape.
Shayla, it's too expensive
to have the truck come every week.
- End of discussion.
- Jillian?
We'll figure out a way to make it work.
No, we won't!
You can't let that absolute
soft serve machine order you around.
- She's not ordering me around.
- She's my friend.
Jillian, you're a boss.
These are your employees,
not your friends.
You can be someone's
boss and their friend.
Chewbacca is great
friends with Han Solo.
You do you.
I'm not gonna worry about it
because Nessa's almost
here and I am happy.
Hey, Craig Foster.
Yeah. I'm sorry, who are you?
Natalie-Ray Boone.
My family works down the road.
You ever heard of Carpets?
- Yeah, the old strip club.
- Yeah, that's our place.
We got closed down when this
"Good Will Hunting" -ass stripper
started to poke around in our taxes.
Hmm.
You want to come with me?
I want to talk to you about
a business proposition.
Wow. That's flattering.
And as much as everything
about your vibe seems normal,
I'm actually really busy right now.
I wasn't asking.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Welcome to Carpets,
where the only carpet is on the floor.
- [MUFFLED SCREAMING]
- Fucking seriously, Ray-Nathan?
- Oh, shit.
- What the fuck, Nattie? Who's this?
Oh, this is our neighbor
Mom told me to go get.
Well, nobody fucking told me.
Oh, I told you.
You just don't listen to me.
You're always looking at your phone.
The group chat doesn't care if I'm busy.
When it pops off, it pops off.
Hey, if you're busy, I
can come back another time.
- You can call me.
- Nah, fuck it.
Probably good for him to
see who he's dealing with.
See this gentleman here?
He was supposed to deliver
some merchandise for us.
Drugs.
And that merchandise
mysteriously went missing.
- He did the drugs.
- God damn it, Nattie.
I'm trying to be evocative here.
You got no mystique. That's
why you're still single.
I'm single 'cause I work all the time.
Now, this
is what happens
when somebody messes
with our merchandise.
- [GRUNTS]
- [ALLIGATOR HISSING]
- [SCREAMING]
- Hell no.
Nobody fucks with the Boones!
[SCREAMING]
♪
[MUFFLED] Please help me!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
- Come on. Sic him.
- [WHISTLES]
What the hell? Why isn't he hungry, huh?
Did you feed the fucking gator?
Well, the thing about Buttercup
Don't fucking name him, and
definitely not Buttercup!
Okay, first of all, it is a girl
because she is pretty.
And yes, I gave her a treat.
If we want her to be sweet,
we have to give her a treat to be sweet!
We don't want her to be sweet.
She's an alligator. She's
supposed to be scary.
You know what's fucking scary
is when a cutie doesn't get her treat.
Leave it! Hey, leave it.
Leave it. [SNAPS]
♪
I'm Jackie Boone,
and these are my dumb-fuck children.
We have a business proposal for you.
I think there's been
some kind of mistake.
I just own a saw palmetto farm.
Yeah, we fucking know.
We used to run the saw
palmetto berry game.
Yeah, we'd pick on public land
and sell to the supplement companies.
[CHUCKLES] Easy money.
It's the best kind of money.
Yeah, but they cut us out
by bribing the state to change the laws.
Now you have to own the land
where you get your berries.
And the supplement companies bought up
all the fucking swampland.
So here's what we're proposing.
We recently picked a bunch of berries
out in the Everglades.
We would like to say
that them berries come from your farm.
You sell them. We split the profits.
80/20.
So you want to launder your
berries through my farm.
You make it sound unseemly.
We're just small business owners,
just like you.
What happens if I say no?
That's a conversation you can
have with Buttercup over there.
[ALLIGATOR FARTS]
Motherfucker! It's the treats.
It's not the treats.
She's just relaxed
'cause we're all together.
This is definitely intriguing,
but, um
I just worked so hard to get where I am.
I'd rather just keep it aboveboard.
Man with a code.
I can respect that.
You want to drive Mr.
Foster back to his farm?
[ENGINE REVS]
Craig! Where did you go?
I had to entertain Nessa
for, like, 30 minutes.
- They're here?
- She's a tough nut to crack.
I asked her if she wanted
to see how easy it is
to pair your phone to
the Kia's Bluetooth,
and she just said "why?"
[CHUCKLES]
Guess she's officially a teenager.
- Dad!
- Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, that's my girl.
Look at you. You getting taller?
- You look taller.
- This place is so cool.
Do you call it Henry Farms
because of Grandpa Henry?
Just wanted to honor his memory.
That's so sweet.
You know what'd be sweeter?
Nessa Farms.
Nessa Farms wasn't
even my second choice.
Craig Farms was number two.
Third place was Project Genesis
'cause I thought it sounded cool.
- Hmm.
- Come on. Let me show you around.
- Where's your mom?
- She's in the car. She needed the A/C.
In luxury cars like the Kia,
it's called climate control.
Hey, Camille. Come on.
I want to give you a tour.
♪
[VOCALIZING]
I would've told you,
but she wanted to tell you first.
It's fine. It's
It's her life. None of my business.
I'm not even gonna
ask who the father is.
I didn't ask either
because I thought you would.
Now we just don't get to know?
Oh, you're right. That's insane.
Whose is it? Is it someone I know?
Not yours? How's that make sense?
Why didn't I learn sign language?
- I had a year.
- You're a surrogate?
When did you decide to do this?
Dad, they're paying her $60,000.
I don't understand.
Why do you need money?
Didn't you just get a
great job in Oakland?
Isn't that why our daughter
lives 3,000 miles away from me?
You know I'm doing well, right?
This is my farm that I own.
We just had our first harvest.
We're about to get paid.
We have an actual contract
with a supplement company.
Next week, we're
delivering these berries
and we're getting a
lot more than $60,000.
We are thriving here!
- Hello.
- Who are you?
Hi. I'm with the state of Florida.
We're shutting you down.
What do you mean,
you're shutting us down?
- Well
- Oh, hell yeah! Toilet police!
He's not here because of
the port-a-potties, Shayla.
- You're not, are you?
- No, sir.
I'm with the Florida
Department of Agriculture.
Okay, but do you work
in the same building
- as the toilet police?
- No, ma'am.
I'm just here about the
giant African land snails.
They've been spotted in the area.
- Snails?
- What do you mean giant?
Well, these snails
are an invasive species
that devour all plant life.
They can destroy entire ecosystems
in a matter of months.
Now, I know what you're gonna say.
"Sounds like my ex-wife."
[LAUGHS]
We've been trained to make light patter
while we break bad news.
I don't even have an ex-wife.
- Is the tension released?
- No, the tension's not released!
The tension's very fucking high!
We don't have giant snails on our farm.
According to you, but
we still have to check.
We're placing the entire
area under quarantine.
Ten-mile radius.
No agricultural materials in or out
- until the snails are gone.
- No!
Our first harvest goes out next week.
We need that payment
to keep us in business.
Dad, are you going out of business?
No, we just have bills due.
All businesses take on debt
as they're starting out.
I wish everyone understood sign language
'cause then they would
see that you bully me.
I'm sorry, but the snails
also carry meningitis.
It can kill one in ten
people who are infected.
Well, do you know what else
you can get diseases from?
- Fecal matter.
- Shayla, get back to work.
Uh, work's canceled. Haven't you heard?
Work's not canceled.
- Are we going to get fired?
- Don't worry, guys.
Even if they shut us down,
I promise you'll keep getting paid.
And Margarita Monday is still on.
You can't promise them that.
I already juiced the limes, Craig.
Dad.
What can we do to speed this up?
Ha, you sound like my ex-wife
on our wedding night.
There aren't usually children at these.
And there's nothing you can do
but let the process play out.
Well, you folks have a great day.
Just out of curiosity
not that I'd ever break the law,
but what would happen
if we just ignored you
and drove off with our berries?
You couldn't even if you wanted to.
[DOG BARKS]
We're stopping every vehicle in or out.
Yeah, good.
That's why I was saying
I would never do it.
Seems crazy you felt you
had bring us out here.
My partner and I will be coming around
to all the farms one-by-one to inspect.
We have to be thorough,
so it takes time.
Give us between two and ten days.
Fuck! I mean, two days is fine.
Hopefully it won't be ten.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Yo, what the hell, man? Where you been?
I am so sorry. I know that took forever.
I've just had my hands full
because my partner killed himself.
- Oh, my God.
- Did you see it coming?
Were you the one who found him?
How are you otherwise?
I've never had this conversation before.
I don't know what questions to ask.
You know what?
I shouldn't have brought it up.
Today's about you and your farm.
Just don't ask me what the note said.
- What'd the note say?
- I wouldn't know.
His wife won't let me
read it, which is fine.
- All right, so
- Really makes me feel like
there's something about me in there.
I'm sorry.
I'm not being very professional, am I?
- No, it's fine.
- Just our snail guy
talking about suicide. It's cool.
Look, I know you're anxious
for the quarantine to be
over, but the good news is,
I have a new partner
who's really gonna
help speed things along.
- Okay. Meet Sally.
- Aww!
She's been specially trained to detect
giant African land snails
with that cute little nose of hers.
She's also been trained
to detect suicidal ideation
in her human companions, so
she's got an eye on me too.
Nothing's gonna happen to
me with you around, is it?
[IN BABY VOICE] No,
it's not. No, it's not.
[KISSING, CHUCKLES]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Now,
I just need to let her
get the scent of the snails
so she knows what she's tracking.
- What the fuck?
- Oh, wow, the snail's so big.
Why is it that size?
Because it's a giant African land snail.
- It's fucking weird.
- All right, Sal, take a big whiff.
- Oh, my God!
- She ate it!
Dogs don't get meningitis, right?
Wrong. It's so deadly for them.
Why is this happening? Come on, girl!
- You still gotta do the inspection!
- Come on, get in the truck.
Hey, hey, we really need
this quarantine lifted.
- [ENGINE TURNS OVER]
- We're gonna lose everything!
Hey, can we at least
schedule a follow-up?
Don't worry, I'm sure
the dog will be fine
and he'll be right back.
-
- ♪
[SIGHS]
Well, the dog died.
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.
- Are you okay?
- Nope.
So you want to get started
with the inspection, because the bank
I actually didn't
come for an inspection.
Why are you here?
I thought you might want to know
what happened to Sally.
You were the last people
to see her alive, you know?
That really is quite special.
As for me,
I'm taking some time
off for my mental health.
The bank is gonna take our farm.
Can you send someone
else to do the inspection?
Well, no, it's my job,
so I shouldn't be punished
- for feeling sad.
- You should just get fired.
I'm sorry, what was that?
I've been having trouble
hearing ever since
the multiple traumatic
events I've experienced!
Healing takes time.
We look forward to seeing
you whenever you feel ready.
Thank you.
So just, like, a day or two, right?
Definitely, yeah. Like a day or two.
How many mental health days
are you allowed to take?
Well, you're allowed to
take as many as you need,
but you only get paid
for ten, so here I am.
Let's find some snails.
No, we don't want to find snails.
That will ruin us.
I don't know, maybe it would be better
if we all just got meningitis and died.
I think you need to get another dog
to keep an eye on you.
He can go pet shopping after he inspects
our fucking farm, Jillian.
How long's this gonna take?
Well, usually it takes
about three hours.
- Okay, three hours is fine.
- With a dog.
If you accidentally killed your dog,
it takes a lot longer.
Probably more like ten.
- Just ten?
- Just ten.
-
- ♪
[EXHALES]
Hello, my man, we good?
You get paid by the
fucking hour or something?
Come on!
Okay, here's your report.
No snails, no eggs,
no residue on berries.
- That's it? We're done?
- You're done.
- Thank you so much.
- I'm gonna call the bank.
How soon can you lift the quarantine?
Oh, that'll take months.
Quarantine stays until every farm
in the area's been inspected.
Yours was the first.
You're welcome.
- I hate you.
-
Craig, come in. Come in.
Mr. Franks, hey.
- How long has it been?
- Uh, too long.
Yeah. Is this your daughter?
No. This is my business partner.
- Oh.
- You work here now?
Yeah, I had to transfer
because of a misunderstanding
at the old branch.
What kind of misunderstanding?
Doesn't matter. This isn't about me.
I assume you're here to talk
about your saw palmetto farm.
I'm just so glad someone
gave you a loan for that.
Thank you, and we know
we're behind on payments,
- but it's really not our fault.
- I was fired for being too nice to women.
Tell me how that makes sense.
- It doesn't.
- It doesn't.
Thank you. Go on.
Well, we've had a bit of
a delay with our berries,
but they are totally safe.
Just like me.
Did you know that the
average person needs
eight hugs a day to be happy?
And it doesn't have to be
from eight different people.
It could be from the same man.
- Mm.
- Interesting.
Mm-hmm. You were saying?
We just need one more
extension while the state
And the only reason I
"targeted" female coworkers
is because they were always
frowning when I walked by.
Mr. Franks, this is
very important to us.
Can we please have an extension?
We just need two more months.
It seems like you've
been treated unfairly,
and we have known
each other for so long.
- I'd love to help you.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
But I'm already on thin ice here.
And even the risk of appearing too nice,
especially with such a beautiful woman,
it's just [GROANS]
I can't.
We'll begin foreclosure next week.
- [SIGHS]
- Oh, that face.
You look like you could use a hug.
Come on.
Come on. Up, up, up.
Yeah. Oh.
Okay, that's that's
enough, Mr. Franks.
We gonna take off now, Mr. Franks.
- Okay.
- Mr. Franks.
Hey, Zay, it's me. Again.
Don't know if you're getting
these, but if you are,
just wondering if maybe you have an idea
on how to sneak 10,000 pounds of berries
past a fucking military checkpoint.
[SIGHS]
I'm really fucked here, man.
It would mean a lot to me
just to know you're all right.
Even if you don't have an
idea about the berry thing,
just give me a call.
Craig?
Shayla had a question.
Are you aware how bad
the port-a-potty situation has gotten?
Hmm?
Smell's so foul, it stings my eyes.
Oh, and that Febreze you put in there?
- That was me.
- It's a fricking joke.
- "Bora Bora Waters" my ass.
- I'm so sorry.
Just call the shit truck
to suck out the poops.
Motherfucker.
I know how we're gonna
get the berries out.
It's pretty standard stuff.
This switch turns on the vacuum.
This lever dumps your
cargo from the bottom.
Wait, you finally caved?
You're cleaning the shit pit?
Hey, you were right.
I gotta empty it out more.
Wow. Thank you.
Man, I know I've been a real
thorn in your sack on this one,
but this is gonna
make a huge difference.
A little dignity goes a long way, Craig.
You're a good boss.
Thanks, Shayla.
Now get back to work.
[SCOFFS]
Wait, am I here to
empty the port-a-potty?
I brought a fully sterilized
truck 'cause I thought
you were gonna fill it
with berries or whatever.
Shh, keep your voice down.
Technically, we're not supposed
to bring the berries
through the checkpoint.
Just so you know, our
berries don't have meningitis,
so they're not gonna kill anyone.
Ma'am, I don't know what
you're talking about,
and honestly, I don't care.
Just give me my 2 grand,
and for the next four hours,
- you can kill whoever you want.
- No, we're not gonna kill anyone.
I don't care.
Just give me my money.
And you're sure the dogs
won't smell the berries?
That's triple-wall steel.
No odors in or out.
- And the paperwork's in there?
- Yeah, everything's in the truck.
And how did you get into this business?
- What was your journey?
- Jillian.
- What?
- It's research.
What if the guards start asking
questions at the checkpoint?
You think they're gonna ask us
about our journey
into the shit business?
It's actually kind of
an interesting story.
So my dad went to high
school with Hulk Hogan
We don't have time for this, Steve Jr.
Thank you for your truck.
Why is this so difficult? Jesus!
You think if we both
didn't have dead dads,
we'd know how to drive a truck?
Jillian
maybe.
Paperwork.
Uh, there you go.
Can you open up the tank, sir?
Yes, I can, but it
dumps from the bottom,
and if I release it, there'll be a bunch
of fecal matter on the road.
I mean, if that's what you want
- That won't be necessary.
- Mm.
So you're Steve Jr.
- That's correct.
- The Wonderful Wizard of Waste.
- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Hmm.
How'd you get into this line of work?
- Well, my father
- His dad went to high school with Hulk Hogan.
- Right.
- Oh, really?
Yes, so my dad and
Hulk Hogan, they were
Both in love with the same girl.
- Right. They were both in love
- And then they got into an ultimate prank war,
but it went too far.
Jillian, I'm trying to tell the story
as quickly as possible.
I don't know why.
It's really interesting.
Well, my dad and Hulk were
always topping each other
like, in the prank war.
- Incoming!
- [CAR HORN HONKING]
Stop that shit truck!
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Don't let him leave.
Don't let her see us.
Don't let her see us.
This guy was supposed to fucking empty
the port-a-potty, but he didn't.
It's still full. It's fucking brimming.
- Ma'am, get back in the car.
- Get the fuck out of my way.
"Wizard of Waste" my ass.
Listen, you motherf
- Craig?
- Hi, Shayla.
Why are you driving the shit truck?
Craig?
I thought your name was Steve Jr.
Craig's his last name.
His first name is Steve
Jr. Steve Jr. Craig.
Sir, ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you
to step out of the vehicle.
♪
So what are you gonna do now?
I don't know.
I can't stay in Miami. Too many ghosts.
Maybe I'll travel, learn an instrument.
What are you gonna do about us?
Oh, well, you tried to break quarantine,
so you'll have to pay the largest fine
the state of Florida can
levy against a corporation.
Fuck.
$50.
I can do 50.
Also, we're gonna have
to burn your berries.
I'm sorry, did you say burn?
♪
So that's it.
Everything we worked for up in flames.
It's all over.
Not quite.
Hey, what can I do for you, neighbor?
Well, we thought it over, and
we'll do it.
We'll launder your berries for you.
I am so glad you changed your mind.
- Jackie Boone.
- Hi.
I'm Jillian Glopp, and I'm so sorry,
I have to ask.
Did you just kill an alligator?
I was sick of my dumb-fuck
kids fighting over her,
so I did what I had to do.
[CLEAVER THUDS]
Welcome to the family.
Hey, now, you better listen to me ♪
Every one of you ♪
We've got a lotta, lotta,
lotta, lotta work to do ♪
Forget about your women ♪
And that water can ♪
Today, we're working for the man ♪
Oh, whoa, whoa, oh, oh ♪
Oh, oh, oh ♪
Well, pick up your feet,
we've got a deadline to meet ♪
I'm gonna see you make it on time ♪
Oh, don't relax, I
want elbows and backs ♪
I wanna see everybody from behind ♪
'Cause you're working for the man ♪
Working for the man ♪
You gotta make him a hand ♪
Working for the man ♪
[ROY ORBISON'S "WORKING FOR THE MAN"]
♪
So I'm picking 'em up
and I'm laying 'em down ♪
I believe he's gonna
work me into the ground ♪
I pull to the left,
I heave to the right ♪
I oughta kill him, but
it wouldn't be right ♪
'Cause I'm working for the man ♪
Working for the man ♪
I gotta make him a hand ♪
Working for the man ♪
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
Not a doctor. Shh.