Lead Balloon (2006) s02e01 Episode Script

Linda, I'm going to have to hurry you.
You've already won £260.
That's yours to keep.
No-one can take that away from you.
But if you want to win this car, I'm going to need an answer to Trevor's Trick Question.
Sorry.
Sorry.
You may consult your celebrity oracle for the final time.
(WHISPERING) I really do think it's A.
It won't be answer A, it's far too obvious.
That's the point, it's never the obvious one.
I don't see how it can be answer B.
No, no think about it, it has to be.
OK, time's up.
For that brand new car, please answer Trevor's Trick Question now.
I'm going to go with my celebrity oracle.
I think it's answer B.
Oh, no.
Oh, Linda, I'm so sorry.
You've lost the car, my love, but you do get to keep the £260.
What can I say? Let's give her a round of applause.
(APPLAUSE) Bad luck, you weren't to know.
I've heard they're actually not that good.
How much did you win for her? £260, which is OK.
I mean, she's a midwife so Oh, didn't she get to try for the car? Yeah, I got her all the way up there and she blew it.
Did you see Magda's letter? - No.
What letter? - I left it out for you.
She wants to leave.
She's handed in her notice.
Blimey.
Oh.
She spelt "unhappy" with an E, look.
"Am unheppy".
- What are we going to do? - Is it too early for champagne? She won't leave.
Anyway, she's a pain in the arse.
You're not here during the day.
All she does is mope around the house, banging on about how she misses potato soup and generally being "unheppy".
We've got to find out why she's unhappy.
Cos we're too nice to her.
Why? She doesn't do anything.
Who's going to do the washing, cleaning and ironing? - It'll get done.
- Not by me it won't, I've got a job.
Yeah, so have I.
Exactly, so if you get a chance, have a word with her.
See if you can get her to change her mind.
Maybe bribe her with some beetroot.
- What was the question? - Oh, I don't know, I forget now.
Natural history.
It was a trick question, so she can't blame herself.
- I want to know what the question was.
- Like I say, it doesn't matter.
- It matters to me.
- Why? Because I like questions.
It was a trick question anyway.
Trevor's Trick Question.
So what was it? All right.
What is the world's tallest mammal? Giraffe.
No, it was a trick question.
You haven't even heard the options.
Oh, OK.
What's the world's tallest mammal? What are the options? Is it A, a giraffe or Yep.
A.
I go with A.
Is it A, a giraffe, or B, a blue whale? A.
It's a giraffe.
God, I wish you'd listen, it's a trick question.
It's a giraffe.
It's a giraffe.
- It's a trick, it says - The trick is, there's no trick.
They say "mammal" to make you think "A blue whale is a mammal, that must be it.
" It's a double bluff.
It's a giraffe.
Exactly.
Obviously I know that.
- So how come you went for blue whale? - I didn't.
It was her choice.
She's the one who went for whale.
After consulting you.
How can a blue whale be taller than a giraffe? In fairness to Linda, tallness is measured by the length of your backbone.
So by that reckoning a blue whale is, what, three times as tall as a giraffe.
If you stand it upright next to a giraffe? Yes.
You're right.
It's unfair to measure whales lying down.
If you can't follow the logic then Unless you get the giraffe to lie down next to it, but then I guess the giraffe would drown.
Yup, yup.
If you don't want to know what really happened, then Maybe the whale is taller, if you include the spurt of water.
Magda.
- There's no milk.
- Oh, really? You must get some.
Maybe you could go this afternoon.
I will not be here this afternoon.
- I have interview.
- Oh, yes.
For new job.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So maybe I'll get the milk.
Yeah, I read your letter that you're leaving.
Yes? And you're sure that's what you want to do? I think is best.
OK.
Well, that's very sad.
Oh, just so you know "Unhappy" is spelt with an "A".
Because it's "unhappy" not "unheppy", see? You've put "unheppy" - I am "unhappy".
- Perfect.
Not that you're unhappy, but you said it very well that time.
And you'll know in future how to say it, and spell it.
- Where's the interview? - At nail bar.
- Doing nails? - Yes.
I will be at Michaela's Nail Bar.
Do you know? Not really Well, of course I don't know it.
I will have training to be nail technician.
Technicians, they're called, are they? Yes.
And it's a good job so I hope I get.
Yeah, well, me too.
If that's what you want.
OK, well, see you.
Pasta with vegetables or the risotto? I don't know, it's a tough question.
A or B? Rick, you want to help me out here? Yeah, you're really funny.
- Sorry? - Rick was on a quiz show.
I don't think Michael's interested.
- Oh, I am.
I watch them all the time.
- Really? Yes.
Some of the answers they give! The stupidity of the general public never ceases to amaze me.
- They're under a lot of pressure.
- Where do they get these people? Most of them are sub-human, if you ask me.
It's easy sitting at home There's a website listing the stupid answers people have given.
Duncesanddorks.
com.
Yes, that's the one.
Have you seen it? - I looked it up this morning.
- Why did you do that? No reason.
Just fun, I guess.
Yes, they were asked "What's the capital of france?" and they said "f"! - I think I will have the pasta.
- Can you imagine? All too easily.
That used to be known as cretinism.
It's different when you're in the studio.
I mean, it's wrong that they're allowed to have children, really.
Could I have the pasta? So how did you get on? I'm not allowed to say in case people don't watch.
- I'll be watching, don't worry.
- I wouldn't bother.
- It's Trick Or Treat.
- When's it on? - I wouldn't bother.
- Friday 26th.
It's on during the day.
I'll record it.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
So come on then, ask me one of the questions.
Oh, I've forgotten them.
Name the world's tallest mammal.
Is it a giraffe or a blue whale?! It's a trick question, not what you think.
Please don't tell me you said "blue whale".
No, I didn't say "blue whale.
" The woman I was partnering said "blue whale.
" (LAUGHS) That is a classic! Yes, isn't it? Could I please have the pasta? Make that two.
Two pastas.
Oh dear, what an idiot.
Can you stop going on about it? It was just a quiz show.
I'm not even thinking about it any more.
Giraffe? It's a trick question.
So it can't be the thing you think it is.
Try again.
I mean I didn't get two goes, but answer it again.
Trick question, blue whale, (QUIETLY) or giraffe? Sorry.
I still think it's giraffe.
- Well, anyway - Is that right? Well, what's it matter? When I got back there was a message from the Trick Or Treat people saying that Linda's husband had been on the phone claiming that I said I'd buy her the car if I was wrong.
- Did you say that? - No, of course not.
He was lying.
So that's OK then.
No, but it makes you sick, doesn't it? He's just trying his luck.
Obviously thinks everyone'll be on her side cos she's a "midwife from the Lake District".
I mean, what does she want with a car anyway? It's just greed.
Oh, did you speak to Magda, by the way? Yeah, I tried to talk her round, but she seems pretty set on this new job, so looks like we'll have to make do without her.
Don't be silly.
I'll have a word with her.
You'll have to go shopping tomorrow, though.
Well, can't Magda go? She hasn't left yet.
No.
She told Sam that she's got to do a "suitability assessment" for this Nail Bar place.
Suitability for a nail bar? How can you not be suitable? All you've got to do is clip people's nails and ask them where they went on holiday.
You'd think she was applying for a pilot's licence.
I mean, who are these people who have to go somewhere to have their nails clipped? There's no excuse for that.
Unless maybe they've only got one hand.
- Can you believe it? - Yes, I can.
He actually asked the studio to send him a tape, and then trawled through it just to prove whether or not I happened to mutter something about buying his wife a car.
I mean, how petty is that? Not that petty.
I mean, there's a brand new car in it for them.
Well, I'm not buying them a car.
I never said I would.
And I wouldn't, even if I said I would.
Sorry, I'm confused.
Did you or did you not say you'd buy them a car? What's it matter? It's supposed to be entertainment.
OK, so you didn't get the car.
Move on.
I have.
Well done.
Why do these people always want more? She had a great day.
She visited the studio, she was on television - Met you.
- Well, yes.
She met me.
And went home with £260.
- On the bus.
- On the bus, admittedly.
Let's write some jokes.
(BEEPING) What is that? It's the washing machine.
Makes that noise when it needs emptying.
I'll go and sort it out in a minute.
- Oh, Dad, is everything OK? - Yeah, why? It's just there doesn't seem to be any food in the house at all.
- There's not even any milk.
- Sorry about that, Ben.
It's all right.
Well, you know, milk comes from shops, so if there is no milk in the fridge, what do you think might be a good idea? Don't have cereal? Yep, don't have cereal.
So do you reckon Magda's gonna get that job? What, at the nail bar? No, you need people skills and a passport, so that's her out.
- Oh, right.
- That was a joke.
Well, yeah, so like, what are we going to do in the meantime? You don't have to starve.
You are in a kitchen.
Use your initiative.
Initiative, yeah, all right.
Yeah, all right, we will.
So are you hungry, Dad? Yeah, yeah, I am a bit actually.
Right then, what do you fancy? Well, I'm easy.
Shall we get some bits out and I'll Brilliant.
(# JOSHUA RADIN: Closer) So we're alone again I wish it were over We seem to never end Only get closer To the point where I can take no more The clouds in your eyes Down your face they pour Won't you be the new one bound to shine? I take the blue ones evey time Walk me down your broken line Yes, all you have to do is cry Isn't that pathetic? He actually got them to send him a tape.
How small-minded can people get? Well, if there's a car at stake.
Wish I'd never done the bloody show now.
Who watches it anyway? Pensioners and students and other lazy bastards.
Where are all the wine glasses? You mean the magic self-cleaning ones? They don't seem to be doing their job, do they? All right, I admit, we do need Magda.
Listen, I'll have a word with her.
I'll sort it out.
It might not be that simple.
Magda and I had a long talk on the phone today and she finally came out with the real reason that she wants to leave.
Well, we know, because she was "unheppy".
Yes, and the reason she is "unheppy" is that YOU called hera dog.
What? I didn't call her that.
Well, she said to me that you did.
And by then she was actually sobbing.
Well, I I don't know what to say.
I didn't call her that, and she says I did, so that's that, isn't it? I'm just being misquoted all over the place.
If I was as petty as Linda's husband, I'd send off for a tape so I could prove it to you.
Very hard to tell.
All right.
Watch it again.
This time, listen.
I'm just saying I can't hear exactly You just missed it because you're talking.
? ?.
Come on Linda, I'm going to need an answer.
Is it A, a giraffe? Or B, a blue whale? Right, here it comes now.
Listen to this bit Shhh.
How can I hear? (WHISPERING) Trust me, if I'm wrong I'll buy you a car.
So, what do you think? Did I say "a car" or "the car"? Very hard to tell.
You're mumbling.
Exactly.
What I'm mumbling is "a car".
Listen.
Trust me, if I'm wrong I'll buy you a ur.
- Buy you a car.
- Well? I can't believe you were so petty to get them to send you a tape.
Marty, there's a car at stake.
You know what it is, don't you? It's not her.
She's very nice.
It's her stupid fat-faced husband, egging her on.
- So it's all his fault? - Yes.
I said "a car", so all I have to do is buy her some old banger.
You think she'll be OK with the fact that it's not new? She'll have to be.
Greedy cow.
- Dad? - Sam, Ben, what am I saying here? What is it? It's the quiz your dad did.
Oh, yeah.
Trick or Treat, wicked.
Car.
- All right.
Once more.
- Car.
You've got to play the whole thing.
No.
No.
What did I say? - "Car".
- Yeah.
"Car".
"A car" or "the car"? If the answer was "car" they should give you it.
No, it's not the answer.
Then what was the answer? - Giraffe.
- And you said "car"? No.
I said "blue whale".
Er, Dad, you know how Magda's gone? Yeah? Yeah, well there's like nothing to eat in the house, so me and Ben were thinking we might as well go down and get some stuff in.
Yeah, from the shops or whatever.
All right, thanks.
Great, great.
Yeah, the only thing is we might need some cash.
Right, right.
- 40 cover it? - Probably 50.
Well, what with the milk.
- Actually, you did call her a dog.
- No, I didn't! Yes, you did.
Last week in the kitchen.
You were making a sandwich and I said, "Aren't you going to clean up after yourself?" Yeah.
And I said "Magda will do it.
" You said "Magda will clear it - why keep a dog and bark yourself?".
- Did I say that? - Yes, you did.
I remember thinking, "What a charming expression.
" Well, how did she heard it? She wasn't even in the room.
You always complain about her talking in the kitchen.
If you can hear her, it stands to reason SHE could hear you.
You know what you are? You're like a really crap episode of Columbo.
Thank you, sir, thank you.
(AS COLUMBO) Oh, and just one more question if I may, would you say a blue whale is taller than a giraffe? Shut up.
I'm going to put on weight if we don't get some proper food in.
I gave Sam f50 to do a food shop.
Well, there's nothing in the fridge except a couple of pints of milk.
- The house is grinding to a halt.
- It's got its advantages.
Saves on washing up, saves on Magda.
What you don't pay Magda, you buy take-aways with.
It's great.
No, it's not.
We can't cary on like this.
You need to sort it out with Magda.
Ah, now, the whole dog thing was a misunderstanding.
So you didn't call her a dog? No, what happened was I was in the kitchen talking to Marty, making a sandwich.
Magda was in here, Marty says to me, "Are you going to clear up?" All I said was "Magda will do it.
Why keep a dog and bark yourself?" And that's not calling her a dog.
No.
Not to her face.
It's different.
I was having a private conversation which she chose to eavesdrop on, so, really when you think about it, it's her fault.
Oh, come on.
Any woman would be offended by that.
You wouldn't call one of my friends that.
- Yeah, but they're not cleaners.
- Not cleaners? - That's not what I meant.
- Yes, it is.
That's a terrible thing to think about anyone, never mind say.
OK, OK, I'll apologise.
I think you can do better than that.
Buy her some flowers.
Oh, I'm not buying her flowers.
I don't even buy YOU flowers.
All right, I'll buy her flowers.
And some chocolates.
And a new ball.
Good.
It's going to be an expensive week for you, isn't it? The car thing isn't too bad.
They've agreed to settle for "a car" - to the value of my fee on the show.
- And how much was that? f2,OOO.
It's standard, they don't pay anyone more than that.
I got Roy Saunders on the show, he got f5,OOO.
f5,OOO? He's a bloody weather forecaster! Sam! Yeah? Was there any change? Oh, yeah, for the food.
Well, no, the thing is, we spent it all.
On milk? No, no, we bought other stuff as well.
You know, like, crisps, and sandwiches, and You spent f50 on sandwiches? Well, there was quite a few of us by then, so, well, you know how it is, Dad Shame, isn't it? It's a lot of car for two grand.
Yeah, it's not really what I had in mind.
Well, it's a terrific buy, won't let you down.
- Mmm - Go on.
Have a sit in it.
I'm not so sure really.
It's a great little car - they run and run.
Low mileage as well.
Yeah, I've heard they're not so good.
I drive one myself, it's been great.
Think I read somewhere that they're prone to rusting.
Not a speck of rust on this.
You're welcome to check it over.
Nah, you're all right.
I'm not cray about the colour, anyway.
- What about this one? - Yeah, OK.
Not a bad car.
You would need to do a bit of work to keep it on the road.
You'd need to like to tinker on the weekends and so forth.
Oh.
Yeah, that's pretty much me.
Well, you get what you pay for, of course, and anything in this price range is a bit of a gamble.
I like a bit of a gamble sometimes.
To be honest, if you could stretch to this one, I would recommend it.
It's a very good car, comes with a year's warranty, whereas this one Obviously it is cheaper, but in the long run, it's a false economy.
It really is.
Yeah.
Yeah I see your point.
No, I think I'll go for this one.
- Sorry, which one? - The false economy one.
Yeah, OK.
Like I say it's not a bad run-around, get you round town, but I wouldn't want you breaking down in the middle of nowhere.
No.
I won't.
Right, take a seat.
Just the boring forms to fill out.
Yeah, on that subject, I was wondering if you could , let me have an invoice for I don't know, a little bit more.
Like f2,OOO or something.
I can't falsify the paperwork, if that's what you mean.
No, not at all.
Just an invoice with a slightly different price on it? I run a straight business, mate.
I can't help you if you want me to lie.
Don't get me wrong.
No-one's talking about lying.
- But to me that is lying.
- Well, it's not lying, it's just numbers on a piece of paper.
I'm sorry.
I can't help you.
- You won't get caught.
- Well, that's easy for you to say.
Oh, come on.
What's the worst that can happen? Look, my dad was in the motor trade, yeah? He got involved in all that sort of thing - false paperwork, clocking.
Ended up doing 1 8 months.
I was nine years old.
Yeah, well It broke him, not being with his family.
When he came out he sat me down and he made me swear never to get involved in anything like that.
And I never have.
It would be like an insult to his memory.
Yeah.
Yeah, I understand.
So, maybe I could just have some blank letterheads? Can you believe it? He actually threatened to call the police.
I said, "You're supposed to be a second-hand car salesman.
" What did he say to that? Oh, he had some smart-arsed remark.
What was it? Oh, just a pathetic little comment.
What did he say? "Well, you're supposed to be a comedian.
" I mean, that's just rude.
It's funny, though.
Well, anyway he's lost a good customer.
I thought you might like to see this.
What's this? I printed off that list of stupid answers from Duncesanddorks.
com.
It makes for some very funny reading.
- Yeah, I'll bet.
- You're in at number 1 2, see? What? I took the liberty of submitting your answer.
- Not MY answer.
- Hope you don't mind.
Number 1 2.
Wow.
Is this worldwide? Yes, yes, yes.
Over 30,OOO hits a day.
The cyber-community seem to be rather taken by your answer.
- Oh, dear, it's not my answer! - In fact, one particular person in the chat rooms even changed his sign-in name to Blue Whale as a tribute! Really? What was it before? Mr No-Life Tragic Loser? Um No.
It was Michael, actually.
Ouch.
All right.
£450, but with a full tank of petrol? OK, he'll pick it up tomorrow.
OK.
Bye.
Sorted.
One car for Florence bloody Nightingale.
- Which one did you get her? - It's Well, one of those.
Is it the one that you circled? Er That's not really a circle, that's more of a doodle.
Oh, I see.
It's just a run-around, get her from A to B.
(SHE LAUGHS) What? It's ironic because the whole thing started with A and B - Just funny.
- Hilarious.
So, is she coming to collect it? No, one of Marty's friends is driving it up there.
You should've asked Magda to do it.
She needs the work.
Yeah? The nail bar job fell through.
Good.
Oh, I mean not good for her, but good for us.
- So, she's coming back? - Yeah.
But you still owe her an apology.
Not if she's coming back, I don't.
(CROCKERY CANERS) Hello.
Oh, hi, Magda.
- Oh, those are for you.
- Oh, for me? Thank you.
They are beautiful.
And, er - Chocolates.
- Thank you.
They're not chocolates for dog? No, no.
Sorry about that misunderstanding.
I think we got our wires crossed.
- Why keep a dog? - It's an American expression.
I picked it up off Marty.
In my county it's very bad to call woman "dog".
Is it? It's not bad to call woman "dog" here? Ahh, well It's not ideal.
Probably best not to.
See, thing is, we quite like dogs in this county.
We don't tie them to trees and throw stones at them for bets.
We do not do this in my county.
No, I know.
And nor should you.
I'm just saying So, the nail bar didn't work out? No.
I am not suitable.
Oh, not cut out to be a nail technician? No, I am good technician, I'm just They say I'm not good at talking with customers.
Oh Really? "How are your nails today?" "Where have you go on holiday?" They had a problem with that? That sounded fine to me.
So, Michaela says I must not work there because I am not heppy person to be around.
Happy.
Ha-ppy (DOORBELL RINGS) I will get.
No, I'll get it, it's fine.
There's quite a lot to be getting on with.
Sorry to trouble you, sir.
Detective Constable Reid, just following up an enquiry about a car that was purchased by yourself.
Car? Yeah, a blue P-reg Nissan, which I believe you handed over to a Mrs Linda Parson from Keswick? Oh, that's right.
The Nissan Thing is, her husband's had it checked over by the AA and it turns out it's a complete death-trap.
Really? Well, look, I had no idea.
No, no, no, sir.
We know it's not your fault.
We need to know where you got it from, because if someone's charged you a couple of grand for what is essentially a coffin on wheels, we need to know about it.
Yeah, course.
That's very disappointing.
I bought it as a present for her.
So, where did you get the car from, sir? I got it from Actually, it was Marlin's Motors.
I know the one.
The bloke did look a bit shifty, thinking about it.
I wouldn't be surprised if he turned out to have a criminal background.
Well, nothing surprises me, sir.
You meet some right scum in this business.
I'll bet.
I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul