Life & Beth (2022) s02e01 Episode Script
Trust Me
1
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
You are unhappy in your own life.
I am probably the most happy,
satisfied person in this entire mall.
I have a cool job.
I have a great apartment.
My boyfriend is a New York eight, nine.
ANN [ON PHONE]: Mom died.
[CHUCKLES] You killed Mom?
ANN [ON PHONE]:
No, I'm not joking. She's gone.
[GASPS]
♪♪
No, we love each other!
We didn't evolve together.
MATT: I didn't know you were evolving!
No one said you were evolving!
[CRIES]
Just need a little bit more cocaine.
[OVERLAPPING YELLING, CHEERING]
How's your memory?
They say I have short-term memory loss.
I I wanted to just
come by and tell you
that I'm moving out of Manhattan today.
Can I have a hug
to celebrate how well I'm doing?
- Kathleen!
- [CLUB MUSIC PLAYING]
You think I should have an affair,
is your advice for me?
Just to hook up. He's barely married.
Oh, God, I miss hooking up!
Bobby wants to hook up with you.
No, no, no, no. You're lying. What?
I'm personally never dating another guy.
You're sayin' that now,
and in a couple of months,
you gon' shave that bush,
and you gon' be back out in the streets.
I would like for someone
to take me on a tour of your vineyards,
and sell your wine, make you money.
John, our grounds manager,
he'll be happy to help you.
- [ROOSTER CROWING]
- Is there a John in here?
[SCREAMS]
Oh, my God, I'm sorry!
Whose blood is that?
- What?
- Do you think you could take me?
- Hey. I was in the neighborhood.
- So glad you made it.
You don't have to pretend
I'm funny or interesting.
This is John's, alright? The farmer guy.
Do you think this is a good idea?
We're obviously attracted to each other.
I want you to be my boyfriend right now.
- Okay, are you okay?
- No. I have a fishhook in my finger.
I don't understand why you're so upset.
Sometimes, you're so amazing,
and then other times,
I feel completely alone
when I'm with you!
I'm pretty ready for a new start.
Part of that is me saying
goodbye to John.
Oh, my God, you are so annoying.
♪♪
If we're gonna do this,
like, I mean business with you.
I mean business with you.
[LIGHT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[WATERING CAN CLANGING]
BETH: It's not easy.
I mean, it's nice, ya know,
like, it's, it
it's really nice, just
Uh, I don't know, just
But how do you ever really know
where you stand with someone?
[OPERATIC SINGING]
I mean, I do worry sometimes
that something with us is,
like, off?
Ya know, I mean,
wh who even wants perfect?
It's, you know, [NERVOUS LAUGH] but
[URINATING]
yeah, we're, we're complimentary.
I just asked you to write down
your emergency contact.
[GASPS]
- [OFFICE PHONE RINGING]
- Oh, right. Okay, yeah. It's John.
His name's John.
Oh, is, is, is John your husband?
Is that correct?
No! [LAUGHS] No.
We're, we're n We're not married.
I mean, I'm so young. It's
- Oh, ok Yes. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, and under "employer,"
I just wrote "Cole."
They haven't really settled
on a company name yet.
I I used to babysit Cole,
and now they're my boss.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, right, right.
And, and the, the company, w we,
um, help organize people's homes.
Uh, i it's more
of a philosophy though.
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah. Which is, is really interesting.
Y You'd like them.
Okay. I'm I'm glad we're caught up.
Thank you for coming in
for your annual exam.
I don't think we'll need
to see you for another year.
Yeah. It can be more
than annual, by the way.
- Oh.
- I can come in,
check in a couple times a year.
Well, I think we should
play this one by ear.
Oh, oh. Just a second.
- [OFFICE PHONE RINGING]
- Hm.
Huh.
Something a little bit strange here
on the back of your neck.
Oh, my God. [SIGHS]
Oh, my God, just leave
everything to my sister.
Hyperkyphosis.
Is that cancer?
No, hyperkyphosis is a
Well, it's a fancy word
for just a, a hump.
It's often called a, a widow's hump.
- A hump?
- Yeah. Yeah, a, a hump.
My lovely lady lumps?
- Uh
- Well, okay.
Wh what, what do,
what do we do to fix it?
Well, there's really nothing
that could be done to fix it.
- So, I just have a hump?
- Well
Okay, try this.
Hold your head back a little bit.
Good, good. A little bit more.
Maybe just a little bit more.
That's really good. Almost no hump.
Kathleen! Come and look at this!
[PHONE RINGING]
[OPERA SINGING]
[CAMERA CLICKING]
[PHONE BUZZING]
- Hey.
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Hey.
Mom died.
- Hilarious.
- [ANN LAUGHS]
ANN [ON PHONE]:
I can't come to the spa today.
- Why?
- Uh, because I don't want to.
You couldn't even make up an excuse?
You know, it'd be good for you
to get some of that stress
out of your tightly wound body.
Well, I'm going out with Kylie later.
I can only handle
one activity per day, so.
- [SIGHS]
- Okay, I'm making this a FaceTime.
- I wanna see your cute face. Answer.
- [ANN SIGHS]
Hi.
I have a big date with John tonight.
Like, a real one.
I know because you told me seven times.
- KYLIE [ON PHONE]: Is that Beth?
- Yeah.
- KYLIE: With a big date tonight.
- Yeah.
- Hi, Kylie.
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Beth says hi.
- KYLIE [ON PHONE]: Hi. How are you?
- Good! Good! How are you?
Um, no, I'm not gonna do
a whole back and forth.
Oh, well, okay.
Well, I'd love to see you.
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Yeah, we'll see.
- Yeah.
You know, I found out
I have a hump. Look at this.
ANN: 'Kay, I'm gonna have to let you go.
- Like a camel or a whale.
- [HANG-UP SOUND]
Or the guy who loves Notre Dame.
Hello? Annie?
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOORBELL RINGING]
- Cole?
- COLE: Um, I'm, I'm in here.
- Hi.
- COLE: Hi.
- BETH: Okay.
- [COLE SIGHS]
- This doesn't really feel
- [BOOK THUDDING]
like an emergency.
You know it's my day off, right?
[SIGHS] I'm not a fucking librarian.
I don't know the doodie decimal system.
Well, why don't you just
organize them alphabetically?
- Or by color or something?
- [SIGHS]
I hate books.
I mean, they're just little
pretend trophies, ya know?
Look at this.
This is a construct.
People love books.
Oh, yeah? Name a book.
Um, yeah. Mark Twain?
- That's a movie, Beth.
- Okay, this is not an emergency.
I'm gonna go.
I'm meeting my friends at the spa.
Maya works there now,
so all the facials
and massages are comped.
- COLE: Ooh, comped.
- Yeah.
- Then can I come with?
- No.
Fine.
I'm getting my own
kinda facial later anyway.
- Sir.
- Not, sir.
They/them.
It's okay if you forget. Just, um,
- don't.
- I'm sorry.
- They/them. I will get it.
- COLE: Yeah.
And, um, what's your pronoun these days?
Is it still cunt?
- Okay. Bye!
- Wait, Beth.
Please help with this! Look at it!
[SNIFFS] Ow! I got a book cut!
[VEGETABLES BY THE BEACH BOYS PLAYING]
I'm gonna chow down my vegetables ♪
- I love ♪
- As usual, here ya go.
- You most of all ♪
- Now you're gettin' into it, huh?
- My favorite vegetable ♪
- Get you in here, okay?
Chomp-chomp-chomp-chomp,
doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪
Bop-bop-bop-bop,
doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪
Vegetable ♪
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
[TING-A-LING BY SHABBA RANKS PLAYING]
So, I said, "Mr. Krieger, we're seniors.
- We deserve to miss class if we want to."
- [HALLWAY CHATTER]
♪♪
He's coming over here. Look hot.
- Yo.
- [CASSETTE CLICKING]
- Is that for me?
- Yeah.
Made it for you or whoever.
You guys should go out.
Okay. I would.
You wanna go out with me?
Yeah, I would.
Yeah, totally. Yeah.
Are you, are you going
to Social Studies?
Yeah. Yeah, you wanna go?
- Yeah.
- Cool.
♪♪
[QUIET OPERA SINGING]
- JESS: You can barely see it.
- Come on.
I can see it.
I mean, it's right there.
It's a big hump.
- You don't see it? I've always seen it.
- JESS: I was trying to be nice.
Please don't make my birthday
about your deformity.
I'm deformed?
Oh, my God.
I need to start wearing turtlenecks,
like Diane Sawyer,
or Keaton, or von Furst
All Dianes. Jesus.
What did John say about it?
He said, "Don't worry.
Real women have curves."
Are you really not coming
martini bowling with us?
BETH: No. I want to.
I really do,
but it's the only night that
we could get this together.
Like, get him outta work and everything.
It's I'm sorry,
but will you help me with my makeup?
- Yeah.
- I can help you, too.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
- Where's Maya?
- JESS: Mm,
hopefully, rubbin' down
some hot construction worker.
JEN: Mm.
- [MOANS]
- There ya go, Helen.
- [HELEN MOANING, SIGH]
- Oh, yes.
- How you feel?
- [GROANS, LAUGHS]
- I am transformed. Thank you, sweetheart!
- [LAUGHS]
- My pleasure!
- [LAUGHS] Have a new hip,
wait 'til they see me at the boxing gym.
- [LAUGHS]
- Yes! That's right! Hip it on out!
- Hip, hip Helen!
- [GIGGLE]
Hey, girl! Don't break nothin'!
[BOTH LAUGH]
[SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ALL GREET MAYA]
- Hi. Hello.
Yeah. Get off your phones.
You're not supposed
to have phones on in here.
- It's helping us relax.
- Oh, my God,
this place is so nice, hon'.
[WRAPPER CRINKLING]
Is that a chicken cutlet?
[MOUTHFUL] Yeah.
- MAYA: Are you kidding me?
- You want some?
No, I don't want
What are you Are you crazy?
Well, we didn't know
what food they would have here,
- so we just brought our own.
- Yeah.
MAYA: Why are you giving more?
I said no food.
Uh, do you want a little?
N No, I can't have any wine.
If I can't eat, why would I have wine?
BETH: You look really cute.
You should wear that out.
Come on. This is my job, guys. Please.
- You know it's Jess's birthday?
- MAYA: Of course, I know.
Happy birthday, Jessy.
[MOUTHFUL] Thank you.
MAYA: Can you stop eating
for your birthday? For me?
Wait, so, this room's so pretty,
but it's, like, not that hot.
What what is it? Ya know?
Yeah. It's, like, we're not
really sweating, ya know?
- Yeah.
- Did ya turn on the steam?
- I told you! I knew it.
- Shit.
- We're trash.
- We thought it was a sauna.
Do you see wood in here?
What does that mean?
[HITS BUTTON]
[ALL GASPING AND EXCLAIMING]
You guys are embarrassing.
Gimme Come on.
- Come on. I'm on break.
- You know you want a sandwich.
- Fancy spa!
- And there's honey mustard.
[STEAM HISSING]
Annie?
- You want help?
- Yes, please.
- 'Kay.
- [IRON HISSING]
- So heavy.
- And hot. Be careful.
Your hair's grown a lot.
Why are you ironing it?
I look less Jewish like this, don't I?
Uh, I don't know. Yeah?
- Let me just go check.
- Okay.
[FIRE DOOR BY ANI DIFRANCO
PLAYING IN ROOM]
Where's Mom?
She's out with [DRAMATICALLY] Darren.
I mean, Darryl.
Yeah, Darryl.
- Okay, well, um, I'm going out.
- We are?
[BETH SIGHS]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[PARTY CHATTER]
- Crazy party.
- [NERVOUS LAUGH]
- Yeah.
- Hm.
I like your hair.
Oh, thanks. Thank you. [NERVOUS LAUGH]
[CLEARS THROAT] Uh.
You ever play the game "Trust Me"?
No. What's that?
It's where I put my hand on your leg,
and then I move it up
until you say you don't trust me.
Like this.
Trust me?
Yeah.
Trust me?
Trust me?
♪♪
- Uh, no.
- Oh, come on. [LAUGHS] Come on.
Alright, you do it to me now.
Okay.
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- [LAUGHS]
- Trust me?
- Mm-hm.
- Trust me?
- Mm-hm.
- Trust me?
- I trust you.
Keep going.
- [SCOFFS] Nice try.
- Oh, what?
What, what is it?
I don't, I don't, I don't know.
I I don't wanna
be called, like, a slut.
- I don't want everyone else to think that.
- What? No one's gonna call you that.
- Oh, come on. Let's play again.
- Okay.
And I promise,
I would never tell anybody.
- You better not tell.
- I w I will not tell.
- Okay. [LAUGHS]
- I [LAUGHS]
- Cross my heart, hope to die?
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Okay.
- [AWKWARD LAUGH]
Trust me?
Yeah. I trust you.
I Wonder by Blind Melon
playing at party ♪
[PARTY CHATTER]
[LAUGHTER]
I'm in the Band by Bratmobile
playing through headphones ♪
[KEYS JINGLE]
- I'ma head out.
- Okay.
- I'ma see you later though, right?
- Yeah.
You should really get
outta the house today.
[LAUGHS] You betcha.
- Yes. Okay.
- Okay.
Thank you. Oh.
Thank you. Thank you.
- Bye!
- KYLIE: Bye.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
See ya, man.
[SIGHING]
God, I hate my tits.
I used to be so hot.
Hey. This is gonna be
the best decade of our lives.
- BETH: Yeah. 40s.
- Mm.
Seriously!
It's, like, the hidden secret.
- Absolutely.
- Your 40s are underrated.
Think about your parents' pictures.
That's when they looked the hottest.
- JEN: Yes!
- Right? They In their prime.
MAYA: Oh, yeah.
They didn't start lookin'
like shit until they mid-40s.
But I still feel good. I still feel 35.
- I wanna appreciate this moment, ya know?
- JEN: Yeah.
- Mm-hm.
- Every year we look back and we go,
"I was so young then."
Like, we're young now.
Ya know?
That's why I wanna go to this dinner,
and sit across from John,
and be in good lighting.
Ya know, those romantic vibes.
And I just want him to think like, "God,
"she's
- sexy." I don't know.
- [FRIENDS LAUGH]
- God, I miss those feelings.
- I don't even remember them.
- Our best years are behind us.
- Why would you say some shit like that?
- Come on.
- Jesus.
Only on your birthday
can you be that negative.
MAYA: I think you guys are crazy.
Your guys love you.
They think you're hot.
Yeah, well, I don't feel it.
Bryan sends me one word
responses to my texts always.
I'll send, like, a full paragraph
and he'll be like,
"Cool", or "Understood."
And I'm like, "Hello?
I made your children. With my body."
With your hot body.
- Yeah.
- JEN: Yeah.
That's why you gotta
send him a puss pic.
[ALL LAUGHING]
- Yeah. That'll get your ass an answer.
- JESS: Can you imagine?
He'd be like,
"Uh, what the fuck am I looking at?"
Oh, my God.
Well, do you ever
text him anything sexy?
I mean, d do any of you?
- I definitely do not.
- Never.
Ugh, I know, me either.
I do. Hell yeah.
You just crop your face out.
That's the key.
Maybe we should.
Yeah. Like, I mean,
what if we text them right now?
Like, and just said, like,
- "Do you wanna have phone sex right now?"
- Stop it.
- No, no. [LAUGHING]
- BETH: No, seriously.
No, let's just do it! Let's all do it.
- I have no idea what John's gonna say.
- Alright, if you're doing it, I'll do it.
I, I can't, I can't. I'm working.
Plus, also, Shlomo was meetin'
with a Holocaust survivor.
You know what I'm sayin'? Them people
already been through enough
without seein' my vagina.
- Okay, well, I'm gonna do it.
- JESS: Uh, okay.
- And I am getting dots. I am getting dots.
- [GASPS]
"Too tired."
His first two-word response to me
was to tell me he didn't wanna fuck me.
- [SIGHS]
- I'm sorry.
I got, "Driving to you.
Love, John." That's cute.
- Yeah.
- I have nothing, thank God.
- [LAUGHS]
- So, we do
cold plunge, room
temp pool, cold plunge,
walk over bed of rocks.
Absolutely. Come on, let's do it.
- Okay. That sounds relaxing.
- Sounds like waterboarding.
I'm gonna stay right here,
but thank you so much.
- Hey, people like this shit.
- JESS: Okay.
I'm gonna do the rocks.
Maybe it'll help my back.
- I'm gonna do the cold plunge.
- Okay.
- JEN: This is good for me. This is healthy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Please. Yes, yes, yes.
- Alright, take your time.
- We're gonna do it at the same time?
- Okay. Ready?
- JEN: Yeah.
- BETH: Here we go.
BOTH: One, two, three.
[SCREAMING] Ow! Ow!
JEN: No, no, no. I hate this.
- [LAUGHING]
- I hate you. I hate this place. I hate it.
- Mean! Mean. No.
- BETH: Horrible!
- You didn't even give it a chance!
- God!
- Yes, we did!
- Uh, no, you didn't!
- You was barely on there!
- Oh, my God, that's not cool.
- This is cool.
- JEN: Yeah, this is good.
This is where we return to the womb.
- Temperature of the body.
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- BETH: Yeah.
- Hold on.
- Hello?
- JEFF [ON PHONE]: Hey.
- So, like, do you go first or
- What?
- JEFF [ON PHONE]: W What?
- Why are you calling?
JEFF [ON PHONE]: To have phone sex?
What? Phone sex?
- [BOTH GASP]
- Shut up.
[EXCITED WHISPERING]
- You have to do it. You have to do it.
- [CROSSTALK]
Can you hold on for one minute? What?!
[BIRDS CHIRPING OUTSIDE]
- Do it. Do it.
- Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.
- [CHANTING] Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.
- MAYA: Just go.
- [SINGS]
- Jeff, Jeff ♪
Well, in that case, I guess,
I'm just wearing a towel.
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- [MOUTHING] Fuck you!
- Jeff, we want you.
- [JESS FAKE MOANING]
[EMOTIONLESS] Yeah. That's hot.
[OH SHIT BY THE PHARCYDE
PLAYING THROUGH HEADPHONES]
Dude, she was dope ♪
Man, real dope on the real ♪
Well, anyway, I went toot toot,
she said hey, beep beep ♪
The next day, rolled
down to the beach ♪
ANN: Haven't you listened
to that tape enough?
- [MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [LAUGHS]
- No.
- [MUSIC GETS QUIETER]
Can you sign
this permission slip for me?
Sure. Where you goin'?
Museum of Natural Mystery.
- History.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
[GASPS] Mom!
Why would Mom be home?
She's, she's not back until tomorrow.
[DOORBELL RINGS TWICE]
What if it's Tim?
Do I look cute?! [SIGHS]
[QUIET STREET NOISE]
- Tim?
- Yo.
- JASON: Slut!
- ROB: Ugly Jewbag!
[FRIENDS LAUGHING]
Beth, what is that?
♪♪
What is that?
[CLOSES BAG]
- It's nothing. Go back inside.
- Beth, I'm scared.
- BETH: Go back inside.
- ANN: Okay, okay.
BETH: It's just It's a joke.
Okay? It's just a funny joke.
MRS. VOIGT [ON PHONE]: Hello?
- Hi, Mrs. Voigt, uh, this is Beth.
- Oh, hi, dear.
Is Tim home?
♪♪
I know. Sorry it's so late.
- [PHONE PICKS UP]
- TIM [ON PHONE]: Yeah?
Um, why did you guys
leave a dead cat on my lawn?
TIM [ON PHONE]: Oh, uh, [NERVOUS LAUGH]
that was Terrance's idea.
Funny.
Do you wanna be together anymore or?
TIM [ON PHONE]: Mm No.
[CHUCKLES] I don't think so.
Okay, that's fine.
TIM [ON PHONE]:
You just need to back off, okay?
I mean, I kind of knew right away
I didn't want you to be my girlfriend.
[TIM LAUGHS]
Alright. Yeah, me too.
- Um, I'll see you.
- TIM [ON PHONE]: See ya.
[HANGS UP, DIAL TONE]
[DIAL TONE CONTINUES]
[STREET NOISE]
JOHN: Hey, Beth!
[CAGE RATTLING]
- John?
- [CLUCKING]
You're wearing makeup.
- Yeah.
- You don't need makeup.
Thanks.
No, like, I don't
think anyone needs makeup.
Uh, okay. Yeah.
Are you gonna
Like, do you have shoes or?
Yes, but I left them at the horse farm
when I gave Pete all that wine.
Would you hold these?
- [CLUCKING]
- Please. I have to pee so bad.
Uh, um, well, John, are these
- Uh
- JOHN: 'Kay.
Let's go in and see
if they have a table for us.
You didn't make a reservation or
No. Bring those.
Let's, let's check. I have to pee.
- BETH: Oh, thanks.
- Thank you. Appreciate it.
BETH: Um, John?
- [CLUCKING]
- Um.
[TRAFFIC NOISE]
[MAN YELLING]
[BOTTLES CLATTERING]
[JOHN SIGHS]
- [CLANKS]
- Food here is really special.
[CREAK, CLANKING]
- So, how was the spa?
- Um,
it smells like trash.
It's probably me. I was working
with compost most of the morning,
and, um, and I also played basketball.
[SNIFFS] Yeah, it's, it's me I think.
[BOTTLE CLATTERING] [MAN YELLING]
I guess I'm feeling a little let down.
About the hump?
Can't you just wear a shawl or a poncho?
No, uh, not about the hump.
This was supposed to be
We're sitting in, like, a trash alley,
and you have no shoes on.
A And I don't even wanna
know what that white stuff is.
Horse semen.
- What?
- Most likely, I think.
[SCOFFS] God,
I think I smell it. I I,
I wanted to have
a night out with you,
and, like, sit in good lighting,
and this is bad lighting,
and it doesn't even matter
'cause you aren't even
looking at me at all.
I don't really know
why you're attacking me.
I mean, you wanna sit inside?
I'm not attacking you.
No one's attacking you.
I I I think I just wanna go home.
Well, I don't. I wanna relax
and enjoy this beautiful food with you.
I think I was just
building this night up,
and, and us, and, and I
I need to just be realistic
that you see me as more
of, like, a friend or, like, a roommate.
- No, I don't.
- No, I, I d This is my problem. I I
I I shouldn't be putting
all these expectations on you
to, like, shower,
or, you know, wear shoes
in very public places.
Well, no, you can have expectations.
We're in a committed relationship.
I can just chill out. I'm gonna
This is a good thing I'm saying.
I'm gonna back off of you,
and, and that's my fault
for putting pressure on you
and tonight and everything.
- I I
- Beth, I know I'm not dressed great,
but I'm here to be with you.
I worked hard all day
to get here to be with you.
I was up harvesting at 6:00 a.m.,
I traded wine for those chickens,
and then I took a U-Haul
with Pete to Queens
a and put all my produce in a cab.
I jerked off a horse,
which is not related
to any of those tasks,
but it was a big part
of the course of my day.
And I did all of that
so that I could spend
this evening with
you because I love you.
Realistically, we're, we're gonna
get married and have kids.
Shut up. Really?
I don't wanna meet any new people.
I I'd marry you tomorrow.
My God, I'd marry you right now.
Yeah, I know.
[EXHALES] Oh, okay.
We are gonna get married,
and we're gonna have a family,
and it's gonna be great, Beth.
I love when you say my name.
♪♪
- Ainsley, hey.
- Hey, John. How's it goin'?
- Good. How you doin'?
- Good.
- Hey, Marco.
- Hey. How's it goin', guys?
- Good.
- JOHN: Alright.
- Thank you.
- MARCO: Of course.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So, these dishes aren't on the menu yet,
so I'd love to hear what you think.
And I hope you guys
are cool with this table.
- It's pretty much the best one we got, so.
- Definitely.
- It's perfect. Thank you.
- It's nice to see you.
- Thank you so much.
- JOHN: Thanks for having us.
- BETH: Oh, my God.
- [DOOR SHUTS]
♪♪
I
Have you ever been martini bowling?
No. Why do they call it martini bowling?
[ONE MARGARITA BY CASA DI, STEVE
TERRELL, AND THAT CHICK ANGEL PLAYING]
Give me three margaritas,
I'ma put it in my puss ♪
Give me four margaritas,
I'ma put it in my tush ♪
Give me five margaritas,
I'ma have some fun ♪
Give me five margaritas,
I'ma put it in your bun ♪
Give me one margarita,
I'ma open my legs ♪
Give me two margaritas,
I'ma give you some head ♪
- Oh!
- [FRIENDS EXCLAIMING]
- [BOWLING SOUNDS]
- Come here. I have news. I have news.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey.
- Okay.
- Look how much vodka I have on my shirt!
- Yes, that is certainly a lot of vodka.
- I'm, I'm staying at Jess's.
Okay, listen.
John and I are getting married.
[OVERLAPPING EXCITED SHOUTING]
I mean, this is, this is meant to be.
That's so sweet.
- Mm-hm. Yeah.
- Oh That's your husband.
- [BOWLING SOUNDS]
- BETH: There he is.
- I I need a drink.
- [CROSSTALK]
- JEN: Start from the beginning.
- Okay.
- All the details.
- BETH/BRYAN: Hi!
- BETH: Is this Can I drink this?
- JESS: It's yours.
- Whatever you want, it's yours.
- BETH: No, it's your birthday!
- Shut up. Tell us the story.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Okay, so, John just said,
- [BOWLING BALL THUD]
- "Well, we're gonna get married."
And I knew he was right.
- JEN: Oh, that's so sweet.
- Isn't that sweet?
- Sweet, yes. Yeah.
- [ADORING CHATTER]
Your turn.
I know, it does feel like it's my turn.
No, I I meant bowling,
and I, and I was talkin' to Jen,
but mazel, Bethy, mazel.
Is he gonna convert?
I hope he's gonna convert
because we're running out of Jews.
So, tell us, where did you go to dinner?
♪♪
There are only 15 million Jews left.
We r really need to
build up our numbers.
It's never been a better time
to convert, uh, historically.
I mean, and, and there've
been much worse times.
And I feel like the kibbutz situation
would be right up your alley.
[BOWLING BALLS RATTLING]
BETH: Actually, this amazing restaurant.
- [PINS CLATTER]
- [SCREAMS]
I got a strike! Oh, my God!
Nobody saw, I got a strike! Whoa!
[THUD] Ow.
- Oh, my God, Jenny!
- JEN: Oh, my God. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
[OVERLAPPING CONCERNED CHATTER]
It really, really hurts.
It really, really hurts.
- Where does it hurt?
- It really hurts!
Alright.
I think I'm gonna commit to this one.
Will you hold that? I have to pee.
Jen fall down?
- JEN: I can't, I can't. It hurts.
- JESS: Jenny, you gotta stop.
JEN: Oh, but it hurts!
I don't know what you want me to do.
[LISTEN TO THE BAND
BY THE MONKEES PLAYING]
Hey, hey, mercy woman plays a song ♪
And no one listens ♪
I need help, I'm falling again ♪
Play the drum a little louder ♪
Tell me I can live without her ♪
If I only listen to the band ♪
Listen to the band ♪
Weren't they good,
they made me happy ♪
I think I can make it alone ♪
Oh, mercy, woman plays a song ♪
And no one listens ♪
I need help, I'm falling again ♪
Listen to the band ♪
Now weren't they good,
they made me happy ♪
I think I can make it alone ♪
It's so easy.
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
You are unhappy in your own life.
I am probably the most happy,
satisfied person in this entire mall.
I have a cool job.
I have a great apartment.
My boyfriend is a New York eight, nine.
ANN [ON PHONE]: Mom died.
[CHUCKLES] You killed Mom?
ANN [ON PHONE]:
No, I'm not joking. She's gone.
[GASPS]
♪♪
No, we love each other!
We didn't evolve together.
MATT: I didn't know you were evolving!
No one said you were evolving!
[CRIES]
Just need a little bit more cocaine.
[OVERLAPPING YELLING, CHEERING]
How's your memory?
They say I have short-term memory loss.
I I wanted to just
come by and tell you
that I'm moving out of Manhattan today.
Can I have a hug
to celebrate how well I'm doing?
- Kathleen!
- [CLUB MUSIC PLAYING]
You think I should have an affair,
is your advice for me?
Just to hook up. He's barely married.
Oh, God, I miss hooking up!
Bobby wants to hook up with you.
No, no, no, no. You're lying. What?
I'm personally never dating another guy.
You're sayin' that now,
and in a couple of months,
you gon' shave that bush,
and you gon' be back out in the streets.
I would like for someone
to take me on a tour of your vineyards,
and sell your wine, make you money.
John, our grounds manager,
he'll be happy to help you.
- [ROOSTER CROWING]
- Is there a John in here?
[SCREAMS]
Oh, my God, I'm sorry!
Whose blood is that?
- What?
- Do you think you could take me?
- Hey. I was in the neighborhood.
- So glad you made it.
You don't have to pretend
I'm funny or interesting.
This is John's, alright? The farmer guy.
Do you think this is a good idea?
We're obviously attracted to each other.
I want you to be my boyfriend right now.
- Okay, are you okay?
- No. I have a fishhook in my finger.
I don't understand why you're so upset.
Sometimes, you're so amazing,
and then other times,
I feel completely alone
when I'm with you!
I'm pretty ready for a new start.
Part of that is me saying
goodbye to John.
Oh, my God, you are so annoying.
♪♪
If we're gonna do this,
like, I mean business with you.
I mean business with you.
[LIGHT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[WATERING CAN CLANGING]
BETH: It's not easy.
I mean, it's nice, ya know,
like, it's, it
it's really nice, just
Uh, I don't know, just
But how do you ever really know
where you stand with someone?
[OPERATIC SINGING]
I mean, I do worry sometimes
that something with us is,
like, off?
Ya know, I mean,
wh who even wants perfect?
It's, you know, [NERVOUS LAUGH] but
[URINATING]
yeah, we're, we're complimentary.
I just asked you to write down
your emergency contact.
[GASPS]
- [OFFICE PHONE RINGING]
- Oh, right. Okay, yeah. It's John.
His name's John.
Oh, is, is, is John your husband?
Is that correct?
No! [LAUGHS] No.
We're, we're n We're not married.
I mean, I'm so young. It's
- Oh, ok Yes. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, and under "employer,"
I just wrote "Cole."
They haven't really settled
on a company name yet.
I I used to babysit Cole,
and now they're my boss.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, right, right.
And, and the, the company, w we,
um, help organize people's homes.
Uh, i it's more
of a philosophy though.
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah. Which is, is really interesting.
Y You'd like them.
Okay. I'm I'm glad we're caught up.
Thank you for coming in
for your annual exam.
I don't think we'll need
to see you for another year.
Yeah. It can be more
than annual, by the way.
- Oh.
- I can come in,
check in a couple times a year.
Well, I think we should
play this one by ear.
Oh, oh. Just a second.
- [OFFICE PHONE RINGING]
- Hm.
Huh.
Something a little bit strange here
on the back of your neck.
Oh, my God. [SIGHS]
Oh, my God, just leave
everything to my sister.
Hyperkyphosis.
Is that cancer?
No, hyperkyphosis is a
Well, it's a fancy word
for just a, a hump.
It's often called a, a widow's hump.
- A hump?
- Yeah. Yeah, a, a hump.
My lovely lady lumps?
- Uh
- Well, okay.
Wh what, what do,
what do we do to fix it?
Well, there's really nothing
that could be done to fix it.
- So, I just have a hump?
- Well
Okay, try this.
Hold your head back a little bit.
Good, good. A little bit more.
Maybe just a little bit more.
That's really good. Almost no hump.
Kathleen! Come and look at this!
[PHONE RINGING]
[OPERA SINGING]
[CAMERA CLICKING]
[PHONE BUZZING]
- Hey.
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Hey.
Mom died.
- Hilarious.
- [ANN LAUGHS]
ANN [ON PHONE]:
I can't come to the spa today.
- Why?
- Uh, because I don't want to.
You couldn't even make up an excuse?
You know, it'd be good for you
to get some of that stress
out of your tightly wound body.
Well, I'm going out with Kylie later.
I can only handle
one activity per day, so.
- [SIGHS]
- Okay, I'm making this a FaceTime.
- I wanna see your cute face. Answer.
- [ANN SIGHS]
Hi.
I have a big date with John tonight.
Like, a real one.
I know because you told me seven times.
- KYLIE [ON PHONE]: Is that Beth?
- Yeah.
- KYLIE: With a big date tonight.
- Yeah.
- Hi, Kylie.
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Beth says hi.
- KYLIE [ON PHONE]: Hi. How are you?
- Good! Good! How are you?
Um, no, I'm not gonna do
a whole back and forth.
Oh, well, okay.
Well, I'd love to see you.
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Yeah, we'll see.
- Yeah.
You know, I found out
I have a hump. Look at this.
ANN: 'Kay, I'm gonna have to let you go.
- Like a camel or a whale.
- [HANG-UP SOUND]
Or the guy who loves Notre Dame.
Hello? Annie?
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOORBELL RINGING]
- Cole?
- COLE: Um, I'm, I'm in here.
- Hi.
- COLE: Hi.
- BETH: Okay.
- [COLE SIGHS]
- This doesn't really feel
- [BOOK THUDDING]
like an emergency.
You know it's my day off, right?
[SIGHS] I'm not a fucking librarian.
I don't know the doodie decimal system.
Well, why don't you just
organize them alphabetically?
- Or by color or something?
- [SIGHS]
I hate books.
I mean, they're just little
pretend trophies, ya know?
Look at this.
This is a construct.
People love books.
Oh, yeah? Name a book.
Um, yeah. Mark Twain?
- That's a movie, Beth.
- Okay, this is not an emergency.
I'm gonna go.
I'm meeting my friends at the spa.
Maya works there now,
so all the facials
and massages are comped.
- COLE: Ooh, comped.
- Yeah.
- Then can I come with?
- No.
Fine.
I'm getting my own
kinda facial later anyway.
- Sir.
- Not, sir.
They/them.
It's okay if you forget. Just, um,
- don't.
- I'm sorry.
- They/them. I will get it.
- COLE: Yeah.
And, um, what's your pronoun these days?
Is it still cunt?
- Okay. Bye!
- Wait, Beth.
Please help with this! Look at it!
[SNIFFS] Ow! I got a book cut!
[VEGETABLES BY THE BEACH BOYS PLAYING]
I'm gonna chow down my vegetables ♪
- I love ♪
- As usual, here ya go.
- You most of all ♪
- Now you're gettin' into it, huh?
- My favorite vegetable ♪
- Get you in here, okay?
Chomp-chomp-chomp-chomp,
doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪
Bop-bop-bop-bop,
doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪
Vegetable ♪
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
[TING-A-LING BY SHABBA RANKS PLAYING]
So, I said, "Mr. Krieger, we're seniors.
- We deserve to miss class if we want to."
- [HALLWAY CHATTER]
♪♪
He's coming over here. Look hot.
- Yo.
- [CASSETTE CLICKING]
- Is that for me?
- Yeah.
Made it for you or whoever.
You guys should go out.
Okay. I would.
You wanna go out with me?
Yeah, I would.
Yeah, totally. Yeah.
Are you, are you going
to Social Studies?
Yeah. Yeah, you wanna go?
- Yeah.
- Cool.
♪♪
[QUIET OPERA SINGING]
- JESS: You can barely see it.
- Come on.
I can see it.
I mean, it's right there.
It's a big hump.
- You don't see it? I've always seen it.
- JESS: I was trying to be nice.
Please don't make my birthday
about your deformity.
I'm deformed?
Oh, my God.
I need to start wearing turtlenecks,
like Diane Sawyer,
or Keaton, or von Furst
All Dianes. Jesus.
What did John say about it?
He said, "Don't worry.
Real women have curves."
Are you really not coming
martini bowling with us?
BETH: No. I want to.
I really do,
but it's the only night that
we could get this together.
Like, get him outta work and everything.
It's I'm sorry,
but will you help me with my makeup?
- Yeah.
- I can help you, too.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
- Where's Maya?
- JESS: Mm,
hopefully, rubbin' down
some hot construction worker.
JEN: Mm.
- [MOANS]
- There ya go, Helen.
- [HELEN MOANING, SIGH]
- Oh, yes.
- How you feel?
- [GROANS, LAUGHS]
- I am transformed. Thank you, sweetheart!
- [LAUGHS]
- My pleasure!
- [LAUGHS] Have a new hip,
wait 'til they see me at the boxing gym.
- [LAUGHS]
- Yes! That's right! Hip it on out!
- Hip, hip Helen!
- [GIGGLE]
Hey, girl! Don't break nothin'!
[BOTH LAUGH]
[SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ALL GREET MAYA]
- Hi. Hello.
Yeah. Get off your phones.
You're not supposed
to have phones on in here.
- It's helping us relax.
- Oh, my God,
this place is so nice, hon'.
[WRAPPER CRINKLING]
Is that a chicken cutlet?
[MOUTHFUL] Yeah.
- MAYA: Are you kidding me?
- You want some?
No, I don't want
What are you Are you crazy?
Well, we didn't know
what food they would have here,
- so we just brought our own.
- Yeah.
MAYA: Why are you giving more?
I said no food.
Uh, do you want a little?
N No, I can't have any wine.
If I can't eat, why would I have wine?
BETH: You look really cute.
You should wear that out.
Come on. This is my job, guys. Please.
- You know it's Jess's birthday?
- MAYA: Of course, I know.
Happy birthday, Jessy.
[MOUTHFUL] Thank you.
MAYA: Can you stop eating
for your birthday? For me?
Wait, so, this room's so pretty,
but it's, like, not that hot.
What what is it? Ya know?
Yeah. It's, like, we're not
really sweating, ya know?
- Yeah.
- Did ya turn on the steam?
- I told you! I knew it.
- Shit.
- We're trash.
- We thought it was a sauna.
Do you see wood in here?
What does that mean?
[HITS BUTTON]
[ALL GASPING AND EXCLAIMING]
You guys are embarrassing.
Gimme Come on.
- Come on. I'm on break.
- You know you want a sandwich.
- Fancy spa!
- And there's honey mustard.
[STEAM HISSING]
Annie?
- You want help?
- Yes, please.
- 'Kay.
- [IRON HISSING]
- So heavy.
- And hot. Be careful.
Your hair's grown a lot.
Why are you ironing it?
I look less Jewish like this, don't I?
Uh, I don't know. Yeah?
- Let me just go check.
- Okay.
[FIRE DOOR BY ANI DIFRANCO
PLAYING IN ROOM]
Where's Mom?
She's out with [DRAMATICALLY] Darren.
I mean, Darryl.
Yeah, Darryl.
- Okay, well, um, I'm going out.
- We are?
[BETH SIGHS]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[PARTY CHATTER]
- Crazy party.
- [NERVOUS LAUGH]
- Yeah.
- Hm.
I like your hair.
Oh, thanks. Thank you. [NERVOUS LAUGH]
[CLEARS THROAT] Uh.
You ever play the game "Trust Me"?
No. What's that?
It's where I put my hand on your leg,
and then I move it up
until you say you don't trust me.
Like this.
Trust me?
Yeah.
Trust me?
Trust me?
♪♪
- Uh, no.
- Oh, come on. [LAUGHS] Come on.
Alright, you do it to me now.
Okay.
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- [LAUGHS]
- Trust me?
- Mm-hm.
- Trust me?
- Mm-hm.
- Trust me?
- I trust you.
Keep going.
- [SCOFFS] Nice try.
- Oh, what?
What, what is it?
I don't, I don't, I don't know.
I I don't wanna
be called, like, a slut.
- I don't want everyone else to think that.
- What? No one's gonna call you that.
- Oh, come on. Let's play again.
- Okay.
And I promise,
I would never tell anybody.
- You better not tell.
- I w I will not tell.
- Okay. [LAUGHS]
- I [LAUGHS]
- Cross my heart, hope to die?
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Okay.
- [AWKWARD LAUGH]
Trust me?
Yeah. I trust you.
I Wonder by Blind Melon
playing at party ♪
[PARTY CHATTER]
[LAUGHTER]
I'm in the Band by Bratmobile
playing through headphones ♪
[KEYS JINGLE]
- I'ma head out.
- Okay.
- I'ma see you later though, right?
- Yeah.
You should really get
outta the house today.
[LAUGHS] You betcha.
- Yes. Okay.
- Okay.
Thank you. Oh.
Thank you. Thank you.
- Bye!
- KYLIE: Bye.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
See ya, man.
[SIGHING]
God, I hate my tits.
I used to be so hot.
Hey. This is gonna be
the best decade of our lives.
- BETH: Yeah. 40s.
- Mm.
Seriously!
It's, like, the hidden secret.
- Absolutely.
- Your 40s are underrated.
Think about your parents' pictures.
That's when they looked the hottest.
- JEN: Yes!
- Right? They In their prime.
MAYA: Oh, yeah.
They didn't start lookin'
like shit until they mid-40s.
But I still feel good. I still feel 35.
- I wanna appreciate this moment, ya know?
- JEN: Yeah.
- Mm-hm.
- Every year we look back and we go,
"I was so young then."
Like, we're young now.
Ya know?
That's why I wanna go to this dinner,
and sit across from John,
and be in good lighting.
Ya know, those romantic vibes.
And I just want him to think like, "God,
"she's
- sexy." I don't know.
- [FRIENDS LAUGH]
- God, I miss those feelings.
- I don't even remember them.
- Our best years are behind us.
- Why would you say some shit like that?
- Come on.
- Jesus.
Only on your birthday
can you be that negative.
MAYA: I think you guys are crazy.
Your guys love you.
They think you're hot.
Yeah, well, I don't feel it.
Bryan sends me one word
responses to my texts always.
I'll send, like, a full paragraph
and he'll be like,
"Cool", or "Understood."
And I'm like, "Hello?
I made your children. With my body."
With your hot body.
- Yeah.
- JEN: Yeah.
That's why you gotta
send him a puss pic.
[ALL LAUGHING]
- Yeah. That'll get your ass an answer.
- JESS: Can you imagine?
He'd be like,
"Uh, what the fuck am I looking at?"
Oh, my God.
Well, do you ever
text him anything sexy?
I mean, d do any of you?
- I definitely do not.
- Never.
Ugh, I know, me either.
I do. Hell yeah.
You just crop your face out.
That's the key.
Maybe we should.
Yeah. Like, I mean,
what if we text them right now?
Like, and just said, like,
- "Do you wanna have phone sex right now?"
- Stop it.
- No, no. [LAUGHING]
- BETH: No, seriously.
No, let's just do it! Let's all do it.
- I have no idea what John's gonna say.
- Alright, if you're doing it, I'll do it.
I, I can't, I can't. I'm working.
Plus, also, Shlomo was meetin'
with a Holocaust survivor.
You know what I'm sayin'? Them people
already been through enough
without seein' my vagina.
- Okay, well, I'm gonna do it.
- JESS: Uh, okay.
- And I am getting dots. I am getting dots.
- [GASPS]
"Too tired."
His first two-word response to me
was to tell me he didn't wanna fuck me.
- [SIGHS]
- I'm sorry.
I got, "Driving to you.
Love, John." That's cute.
- Yeah.
- I have nothing, thank God.
- [LAUGHS]
- So, we do
cold plunge, room
temp pool, cold plunge,
walk over bed of rocks.
Absolutely. Come on, let's do it.
- Okay. That sounds relaxing.
- Sounds like waterboarding.
I'm gonna stay right here,
but thank you so much.
- Hey, people like this shit.
- JESS: Okay.
I'm gonna do the rocks.
Maybe it'll help my back.
- I'm gonna do the cold plunge.
- Okay.
- JEN: This is good for me. This is healthy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Please. Yes, yes, yes.
- Alright, take your time.
- We're gonna do it at the same time?
- Okay. Ready?
- JEN: Yeah.
- BETH: Here we go.
BOTH: One, two, three.
[SCREAMING] Ow! Ow!
JEN: No, no, no. I hate this.
- [LAUGHING]
- I hate you. I hate this place. I hate it.
- Mean! Mean. No.
- BETH: Horrible!
- You didn't even give it a chance!
- God!
- Yes, we did!
- Uh, no, you didn't!
- You was barely on there!
- Oh, my God, that's not cool.
- This is cool.
- JEN: Yeah, this is good.
This is where we return to the womb.
- Temperature of the body.
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- BETH: Yeah.
- Hold on.
- Hello?
- JEFF [ON PHONE]: Hey.
- So, like, do you go first or
- What?
- JEFF [ON PHONE]: W What?
- Why are you calling?
JEFF [ON PHONE]: To have phone sex?
What? Phone sex?
- [BOTH GASP]
- Shut up.
[EXCITED WHISPERING]
- You have to do it. You have to do it.
- [CROSSTALK]
Can you hold on for one minute? What?!
[BIRDS CHIRPING OUTSIDE]
- Do it. Do it.
- Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.
- [CHANTING] Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.
- MAYA: Just go.
- [SINGS]
- Jeff, Jeff ♪
Well, in that case, I guess,
I'm just wearing a towel.
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- [MOUTHING] Fuck you!
- Jeff, we want you.
- [JESS FAKE MOANING]
[EMOTIONLESS] Yeah. That's hot.
[OH SHIT BY THE PHARCYDE
PLAYING THROUGH HEADPHONES]
Dude, she was dope ♪
Man, real dope on the real ♪
Well, anyway, I went toot toot,
she said hey, beep beep ♪
The next day, rolled
down to the beach ♪
ANN: Haven't you listened
to that tape enough?
- [MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [LAUGHS]
- No.
- [MUSIC GETS QUIETER]
Can you sign
this permission slip for me?
Sure. Where you goin'?
Museum of Natural Mystery.
- History.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
[GASPS] Mom!
Why would Mom be home?
She's, she's not back until tomorrow.
[DOORBELL RINGS TWICE]
What if it's Tim?
Do I look cute?! [SIGHS]
[QUIET STREET NOISE]
- Tim?
- Yo.
- JASON: Slut!
- ROB: Ugly Jewbag!
[FRIENDS LAUGHING]
Beth, what is that?
♪♪
What is that?
[CLOSES BAG]
- It's nothing. Go back inside.
- Beth, I'm scared.
- BETH: Go back inside.
- ANN: Okay, okay.
BETH: It's just It's a joke.
Okay? It's just a funny joke.
MRS. VOIGT [ON PHONE]: Hello?
- Hi, Mrs. Voigt, uh, this is Beth.
- Oh, hi, dear.
Is Tim home?
♪♪
I know. Sorry it's so late.
- [PHONE PICKS UP]
- TIM [ON PHONE]: Yeah?
Um, why did you guys
leave a dead cat on my lawn?
TIM [ON PHONE]: Oh, uh, [NERVOUS LAUGH]
that was Terrance's idea.
Funny.
Do you wanna be together anymore or?
TIM [ON PHONE]: Mm No.
[CHUCKLES] I don't think so.
Okay, that's fine.
TIM [ON PHONE]:
You just need to back off, okay?
I mean, I kind of knew right away
I didn't want you to be my girlfriend.
[TIM LAUGHS]
Alright. Yeah, me too.
- Um, I'll see you.
- TIM [ON PHONE]: See ya.
[HANGS UP, DIAL TONE]
[DIAL TONE CONTINUES]
[STREET NOISE]
JOHN: Hey, Beth!
[CAGE RATTLING]
- John?
- [CLUCKING]
You're wearing makeup.
- Yeah.
- You don't need makeup.
Thanks.
No, like, I don't
think anyone needs makeup.
Uh, okay. Yeah.
Are you gonna
Like, do you have shoes or?
Yes, but I left them at the horse farm
when I gave Pete all that wine.
Would you hold these?
- [CLUCKING]
- Please. I have to pee so bad.
Uh, um, well, John, are these
- Uh
- JOHN: 'Kay.
Let's go in and see
if they have a table for us.
You didn't make a reservation or
No. Bring those.
Let's, let's check. I have to pee.
- BETH: Oh, thanks.
- Thank you. Appreciate it.
BETH: Um, John?
- [CLUCKING]
- Um.
[TRAFFIC NOISE]
[MAN YELLING]
[BOTTLES CLATTERING]
[JOHN SIGHS]
- [CLANKS]
- Food here is really special.
[CREAK, CLANKING]
- So, how was the spa?
- Um,
it smells like trash.
It's probably me. I was working
with compost most of the morning,
and, um, and I also played basketball.
[SNIFFS] Yeah, it's, it's me I think.
[BOTTLE CLATTERING] [MAN YELLING]
I guess I'm feeling a little let down.
About the hump?
Can't you just wear a shawl or a poncho?
No, uh, not about the hump.
This was supposed to be
We're sitting in, like, a trash alley,
and you have no shoes on.
A And I don't even wanna
know what that white stuff is.
Horse semen.
- What?
- Most likely, I think.
[SCOFFS] God,
I think I smell it. I I,
I wanted to have
a night out with you,
and, like, sit in good lighting,
and this is bad lighting,
and it doesn't even matter
'cause you aren't even
looking at me at all.
I don't really know
why you're attacking me.
I mean, you wanna sit inside?
I'm not attacking you.
No one's attacking you.
I I I think I just wanna go home.
Well, I don't. I wanna relax
and enjoy this beautiful food with you.
I think I was just
building this night up,
and, and us, and, and I
I need to just be realistic
that you see me as more
of, like, a friend or, like, a roommate.
- No, I don't.
- No, I, I d This is my problem. I I
I I shouldn't be putting
all these expectations on you
to, like, shower,
or, you know, wear shoes
in very public places.
Well, no, you can have expectations.
We're in a committed relationship.
I can just chill out. I'm gonna
This is a good thing I'm saying.
I'm gonna back off of you,
and, and that's my fault
for putting pressure on you
and tonight and everything.
- I I
- Beth, I know I'm not dressed great,
but I'm here to be with you.
I worked hard all day
to get here to be with you.
I was up harvesting at 6:00 a.m.,
I traded wine for those chickens,
and then I took a U-Haul
with Pete to Queens
a and put all my produce in a cab.
I jerked off a horse,
which is not related
to any of those tasks,
but it was a big part
of the course of my day.
And I did all of that
so that I could spend
this evening with
you because I love you.
Realistically, we're, we're gonna
get married and have kids.
Shut up. Really?
I don't wanna meet any new people.
I I'd marry you tomorrow.
My God, I'd marry you right now.
Yeah, I know.
[EXHALES] Oh, okay.
We are gonna get married,
and we're gonna have a family,
and it's gonna be great, Beth.
I love when you say my name.
♪♪
- Ainsley, hey.
- Hey, John. How's it goin'?
- Good. How you doin'?
- Good.
- Hey, Marco.
- Hey. How's it goin', guys?
- Good.
- JOHN: Alright.
- Thank you.
- MARCO: Of course.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So, these dishes aren't on the menu yet,
so I'd love to hear what you think.
And I hope you guys
are cool with this table.
- It's pretty much the best one we got, so.
- Definitely.
- It's perfect. Thank you.
- It's nice to see you.
- Thank you so much.
- JOHN: Thanks for having us.
- BETH: Oh, my God.
- [DOOR SHUTS]
♪♪
I
Have you ever been martini bowling?
No. Why do they call it martini bowling?
[ONE MARGARITA BY CASA DI, STEVE
TERRELL, AND THAT CHICK ANGEL PLAYING]
Give me three margaritas,
I'ma put it in my puss ♪
Give me four margaritas,
I'ma put it in my tush ♪
Give me five margaritas,
I'ma have some fun ♪
Give me five margaritas,
I'ma put it in your bun ♪
Give me one margarita,
I'ma open my legs ♪
Give me two margaritas,
I'ma give you some head ♪
- Oh!
- [FRIENDS EXCLAIMING]
- [BOWLING SOUNDS]
- Come here. I have news. I have news.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey.
- Okay.
- Look how much vodka I have on my shirt!
- Yes, that is certainly a lot of vodka.
- I'm, I'm staying at Jess's.
Okay, listen.
John and I are getting married.
[OVERLAPPING EXCITED SHOUTING]
I mean, this is, this is meant to be.
That's so sweet.
- Mm-hm. Yeah.
- Oh That's your husband.
- [BOWLING SOUNDS]
- BETH: There he is.
- I I need a drink.
- [CROSSTALK]
- JEN: Start from the beginning.
- Okay.
- All the details.
- BETH/BRYAN: Hi!
- BETH: Is this Can I drink this?
- JESS: It's yours.
- Whatever you want, it's yours.
- BETH: No, it's your birthday!
- Shut up. Tell us the story.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Okay, so, John just said,
- [BOWLING BALL THUD]
- "Well, we're gonna get married."
And I knew he was right.
- JEN: Oh, that's so sweet.
- Isn't that sweet?
- Sweet, yes. Yeah.
- [ADORING CHATTER]
Your turn.
I know, it does feel like it's my turn.
No, I I meant bowling,
and I, and I was talkin' to Jen,
but mazel, Bethy, mazel.
Is he gonna convert?
I hope he's gonna convert
because we're running out of Jews.
So, tell us, where did you go to dinner?
♪♪
There are only 15 million Jews left.
We r really need to
build up our numbers.
It's never been a better time
to convert, uh, historically.
I mean, and, and there've
been much worse times.
And I feel like the kibbutz situation
would be right up your alley.
[BOWLING BALLS RATTLING]
BETH: Actually, this amazing restaurant.
- [PINS CLATTER]
- [SCREAMS]
I got a strike! Oh, my God!
Nobody saw, I got a strike! Whoa!
[THUD] Ow.
- Oh, my God, Jenny!
- JEN: Oh, my God. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
[OVERLAPPING CONCERNED CHATTER]
It really, really hurts.
It really, really hurts.
- Where does it hurt?
- It really hurts!
Alright.
I think I'm gonna commit to this one.
Will you hold that? I have to pee.
Jen fall down?
- JEN: I can't, I can't. It hurts.
- JESS: Jenny, you gotta stop.
JEN: Oh, but it hurts!
I don't know what you want me to do.
[LISTEN TO THE BAND
BY THE MONKEES PLAYING]
Hey, hey, mercy woman plays a song ♪
And no one listens ♪
I need help, I'm falling again ♪
Play the drum a little louder ♪
Tell me I can live without her ♪
If I only listen to the band ♪
Listen to the band ♪
Weren't they good,
they made me happy ♪
I think I can make it alone ♪
Oh, mercy, woman plays a song ♪
And no one listens ♪
I need help, I'm falling again ♪
Listen to the band ♪
Now weren't they good,
they made me happy ♪
I think I can make it alone ♪
It's so easy.