Little Britain (UK) s02e01 Episode Script

Britain, Britain, Britain! Opened by the Queen in 1972, Britain now attracts hundreds of visitors a year.
But why do they come? Not just to discover how chicken nuggets should really taste or to take part in the great British tradition of dogging.
No, they come in their drove to meet the people of Britain.
And it is them what we now here look at now today.
Let's rock.
Vicky Pollard is well known in her local supermarket and is on first-name terms with most of the security staff.
What are you looking at, pervert? I told you.
You've got to put the pick 'n' mix in a bag.
God, you're so racist! All right now? Are you gonna pay for those.
No but, yeah but, no but, yeah, I was just about to do it if you had waited! This is so unfair! I ain't ever done nothin' or nothin'! This is like borstal! If anyone's nicked anything, it's Michelle Pimm.
She put her hand up the chocolate machine to nick a packet of Poppets and got her hand stuck.
I tried to cut it off, she had an eppy and said I was educationally sub-normal.
But everyone knows she's done it with an Alsatian! OK, I think it's time to go now.
I was going anyway because I well hate this shop! Bethany got a Saturday job here and someone found a dead rat in the chocolate raisins.
Someone bought it and ate it and came back and said, ''Have you got any more chocolate rats?'' It's true.
I swear on Duncan out of Blue's life! - (BEEPING) - Can you come back in, please? This is harassment! I'll take this to the Court of Human 'Pean Rights! Lift up your arms.
This is because you're in love with me and want to gay me up.
See? Totally innocent! I-N-A, innocent! - What's this? - I bought that earlier.
(RINGS BELL) - Morning! - Afternoon! These men are transvestites and prefer to dress as ladies.
I myself am happy in both male and female clothing, as I was born without genitals.
- Morning! - Afternoon! Two ladies on a bicyclette, that is all.
Now, Florence, my dear.
Remember, we are two ladies taking afternoon tea.
- Yes, Emily.
- I know this is very new to you.
The trick is not to draw attention to yourself, hmm? Two ladies for tea, please! Yes, of course.
This way.
- Oh! Ladies first.
- I am also a lady.
- Oh, yes.
- Here we are.
- Florence, do take a seat.
- No, after you, Emily.
- Florence, I insist.
- No, Emily, please! We're both ladies.
Who sits first? - Oh! - Oh! Oh! - Oh! - Oh! (DEEP VOICE) Sit down! - Merci.
- Thank you.
Oh, Florence! Regardez le menu! So many delicious foods and drinks that a lady might enjoy.
Yes, it all looks so nice, doesn't it, my lady friend? I don't know what to have.
Will you be having cake? If they have a lady's cake, then yes, but only if.
We are ladies, aren't we? - Oh, yes, we are most definitely two of them.
- Two ladies.
Why don't you order for both of us? I'm off to powder my nose.
Other door! Oh, yes.
Don't forget to sit down when you piss! At this health spa in Trump, the manager is keen to have a word with one of the guests.
- Mrs DeVere! Sorry, Mrs DeVere! - Call me Bubbles.
Everybody does.
- May I have a word? - Can we walk and talk? - I have an algae wrap at three.
- It's about this payment situation.
In five months we haven't received anything.
That's terrible, outrageous.
Has my husband not sent the cheque? - No, we can't track him down.
- Have you tried him on the Monte Carlo number? - I don't have it.
- Got a pen, darling? Yeah.
The number is 123456789.
OK, darling? Mrs DeVere! Mrs DeVere! Hello, Gita.
My turn now, darling.
- Miss Bubble, you're next door.
- Sorry, darling.
See you at dinner.
Never, never, never let this girl go.
Naughty! What she does with grape nuts is pure poetry.
We need to resolve this now.
Very well, Mr Hutton.
Then we shall resolve it.
Are you a married man, Mr Hutton? Yes, I am.
Yet you allow yourself to be alone in a room with a rather beautiful woman.
That's very dangerous, don't you think? I just really need the cheque.
Very clever, darling.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC) I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangementMr Hutton.
It is a quarter to half past five and Lou is taking Andy back home from the shops.
Been on holiday? You've got a lovely tan on you.
Where have you been? Oh, no! I'm terribly sorry.
''Bruce's Price is Right''! Did you enjoy that? All right.
- Look, it's your favourite.
''The Price is Right''.
- Yeah, I know.
It's always nice to meet the stars of our show, whoever you are.
I'll get started on the washing-up.
Helen Hunt, come on down! Akshai Vikoria, come on down! Andy Pipkin, come on down! You are the first four contestants on ''The Price is Right''! Yeah, I know.
One thing this country does better than all the others is fetes.
We can proudly boast that Britain is the fete capital of the world.
That's cakes done.
What's next, Judy? - Next, Maggie, is jams.
- Jams? Jolly good.
Thank you, Judy.
Now, what's this? Oh, plum.
Not my favourite conserve, Judy.
- Nor mine, Maggie.
- But we soldier on.
Right Hmm! That's actually not bad for a plum.
It's rather good.
Who made this? - Erm, Emma Shepherd.
- Who? Emma Shepherd, the one who ran off with the schoolmistress.
Ohhh! Oh! - Are you all right, Maggie? - Judy, no more lesbian jam! I can't keep it down.
I'm so sorry, Maggie.
I'll I'll make a note.
Now, I'm assuming this is raspberry.
It's not properly labelled.
Thank you.
Hmm, not unpleasant.
Who made this? - Sarah Tennant.
- Remind me.
The one who's married to the man who's (MOUTHS) - I'm sorry? - She married someone who's (MOUTHS) - She did what? - She married a black man.
Ohhhhhhh! Oh, Judy, you could have warned me! I'm so sorry, Maggie.
- Want Want to carry on? - Yes, we've got to get this done.
Well, next, Maggie, we have the breakfast marmalade.
Hmm Hmm! Very nice.
Hmm, quite tangy.
Yes, put down ''tangy''.
- ''Tangy.
'' - Very nice.
Who made this? Sanjana Patel.
Ohhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Right, that's jams done, then.
Next, pastries.
In the small mining village of Llandewi Breffi is the home of homosexual gay, Dafydd Thomas.
Morning, Dafydd! Gay rights now! It says there was a bucket stolen in the village on Tuesday.
It's a crime wave.
Ma.
- Da.
- (BOTH) Morning, son.
There's something important I have to tell you both.
Put your paper down, Dad.
Now, what is it you want to say? Now, you know I haven't really had any girlfriends.
You went out with that girl from the abattoir.
That was just a phase.
Don't mention that again! What about the girl at school with the lazy eye? I thought you were quite taken with her.
Again, the folly of youth.
No What I have to tell you both is that I am (BREATHES DEEPLY) Asthmatic? No.
I ama gay.
Oh! - Oh, that's nice, dear.
- Yeah, good for you, lad.
- It says here the bucket had a chrome handle.
- Oh! - So you don't mind? - No.
You're not gonna disown me or cast me asunder? Eh? Oh, no.
To be honest, love, we did have an inkling.
- So have you got a boyfriend, then? - No.
Have you not had any arse action at all? No.
But I have been thinking about it, which may shock you.
Well, I'll try and fix you up with someone.
That won't be very easy as I am the only gay in the village.
Come to think of it, there's a handsome lad who works down the mine.
He takes it up the chuff.
No, thank you.
I know who's mad for cock.
That chap who runs a sauna, you know, Gay Aled.
Gay Aled is not gay! Your Uncle Glyn's had him.
Apparently, he's very into water sports.
- That's nice for them.
- Yeah.
I think we should invite the family round on Sunday and I'll tell them then.
- They won't like it, but it's time they knew.
- I don't think this Sunday will be much good.
Uncle Gareth has gone to San Francisco.
Your cousin Bryn is going to Neath to watch Shirley Bassey.
What about Auntie Seonad? No, she just stays in on a Sunday and eats minge.
When I see a fat person in a street, I spit on them, as I would a dog, and would encourage you to do the same.
Oh, you've put on three grams.
You've been noshing again, haven't you? Next time you feel peckish, have a bit of dust, yeah? Do you wanna waddle back to your seat? Now, those of you who read the FatFighters newsletter will be aware that FatFighters has got a new spokesperson.
And we're very lucky because she's paying a visit to our branch tonight.
So, will you please give a warm welcome to Vanessa Feltz? Vanessa! Vanessa Feltz! Mwah, mwah! My good friend Vanessa Feltz from the television! Come and sit down next to meVanessa Feltz.
So, Vanessa Feltz, you - and I know you won't mind me saying it - you were fat.
Wasn't she? No, we're all friends here.
We can say it.
And then you lost it all, didn't you? Well, I was going though a traumatic divorce Then you piled it back on.
You looked really big in ''Take a Break''.
I thought, ''That's the last thing she needs!'' - That's why I wanted to get involved - You lost it all again.
- Yes, but I've reached a - So, are you going up or down now? I hope I've reached my optimum weight.
It's very important when you're dieting to realise when that point comes.
Well, I think you could lose another stone.
At least! OK, fatties, so it's a question and answer with Vanessa Feltz.
So, who's got a question for Vanessa? Vanessa will not want to answer questions about the divorce or when she went loopy-loo on ''I'm a Celebrity Big Brother''.
Don't ask her about the marriage to Grant Bovey and the thing with the chocolate at her wedding.
- That's behind her.
- That was Anthea Turner.
You can't blame Anthea for that, but anyway, Meera? - Vanessa - Hi, Meera.
You must have tried many diets in your time.
What was the worst diet you were on? - Well - Couldn't understand a word.
Sorry, she is Asian.
I should have warned you.
Let's hear from an English person.
Yes, Pat? - Hello, Vanessa.
- Hi, Pat.
First off, I must say what an inspiration it is to see larger-framed women like yourself on TV.
- Thanks.
- But I wanted to know She's written a bloody essay! Was it quite a struggle for you to get on TV? It's just I'd love to be a TV presenter, but I feel like my size might hold me back.
- Well, I think it is harder - You? On TV?! Don't make me laugh! Vanessa may be big, but you are something else! Look at her! I call her Fat Pat, eh, Vanessa? Actually, I'm putting together a new show about dieting and our attitudes to food.
I'm looking for larger people to help present it, so make sure you give me your phone number.
Thanks, I will.
Pat, I'll make sure she gets your number.
I could do that.
I'd love to be on TV.
No, sorry, not after what I've seen today.
You're obviously a total cow.
- Anybody else? - Yes, I've got a question for you, Vanessa Feltz.
Thank you very much, Vanessa Feltz! Vanessa Feltz.
Following the introduction of money to Britain in 1997, banks like this one were opened.
- So, how much money do you wanna borrow? - Two thousand pounds, please.
Twothousandpounds.
Computer says no.
Is there nothing we can do? Right, erm, well, maybe if I asked to borrow a bit less.
I dunno, fifteen hundred pounds? Fifteenhundredpounds.
- Computer says no.
- Oh.
Can I have a word with the manager? Computer says no.
So, that's it? There's nothing you can do? Give me a minute.
(QUIETLY) The man says he wants to borrow two thousand pounds.
(MUTTERS QUIETLY) Computer says no.
(COUGHS) Posh people are much better and cleverer than common people.
And so they live in nicer houses like this.
Hello! Love's young dream! Today, Harvey Pinch's parents are meeting his girlfriend for the first time.
It's a lovely house you have here.
We're very lucky.
It's been in the family for years.
Tell us about you, Jane.
Harvey says you work in publishing.
Yes, it's a small house.
We mainly do history books.
I'll tell you a wonderful battle - Battle of Culloden.
Any books on that? - What time is dinner, Mummy? - It'll be another hour.
- But I'm hungry.
- Well, you'll have to wait.
So, how did you two meet? It was through a friend that I work with who was at Bristol with Harvey.
- Bitty! - No, not bitty now, bitty later.
Bitty! Now, look.
If you have bitty now, you're not gonna want any supper.
I want bitty.
Come along, then.
Sorry, Jane.
Do carry on.
- Um - You were telling us about how you met.
Oh.
Well, I was at a party and, um - We got talking.
- I'd seen you once before at Simon's 30th.
- But we didn't really speak then.
- No.
No, but we sort of .
.
noticedeach other.
More wine, anybody? Fine, thank you, Daddy.
You are hungry today, aren't you? Do you have your own place in London? No, my brother and I both still live at home with our parents.
Really? Yes, we have tried to move out, but Mum and Dad don't want us to leave.
Oh, I think it's terribly important to let go.
(BURPS LOUDLY) Thank you, Mummy.
Welcome to the family.
It's nought o'clock and at this shop in Phlegm, Mr Man is looking for a date.
I had a date once.
It was the 11th of November.
- Hello.
- Hello.
So, how can I help you? I'm looking to meet a woman with the name of Linda Williams.
You're looking for a specific person? No, I'm looking to meet any woman with the name of Linda Williams.
- Any particular reason? - I like that name.
- It's not my favourite.
- No? No, my favourite name is Catherine Drew, but at my time of life, you can't afford to be too picky.
Because as I always say Right, OK.
Let's just take down some of your particulars.
What age of woman are you looking to meet? Oh, really, anybody between the ages of 38 and 39.
Right.
Height? She should have some height, yes.
- Hair? - I do prefer it.
No, any particular length? Oh, anything from here to here.
Right.
OK, well, I'll just have a look in the file.
Oh, I can't see anyone in here.
One moment Margaret! Margaret! Yes? The gentleman wants to know if we have any women named Linda Williams.
- We've got a Lindsay Williams.
- Lindsay Williams? Absolutely no way.
- Absolutely no way! - Oh.
Oh.
- There's a Linda Willis.
- Linda Willis? Would she be interested in changing her name? - Would she be interested in changing her name? - I don't know.
- She doesn't know.
- Oh.
Oh! Roy, have you checked the red file? I think there might be a Linda Williams in there.
Oh, yes, how funny! We do have a Linda Williams.
Yes.
She's 38, she's got shoulder-length hair, very pretty.
- (MARGARET) Well? - Well? Did I mention she should have a glass eye? Margaret! Margaret! Number 10 Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister.
I was asked to be Prime Minister, but it clashed with a voiceover I was doing for Cadbury's Mini Eggs.
Here are the policy documents for the NATO summit, Prime Minister.
Thank you.
And I'll need one of you to come with me to Bruges this evening in advance of the talks tomorrow.
Ooh! Ooh! - Gregory, would you like to go? - I'd be delighted.
- Would you pack my case? - With pleasure, Prime Minister.
But I know where all your pants and socks are.
- And make sure that the car's standing by.
- Yes, Prime Minister.
''Yes, Prime Minister, no, Prime Minister, three bags full, Prime Minister!'' (PHONE BUZZES) - Yeah? - New Leader of the Opposition to see you.
Thank you.
Send him up.
Erm, you don't have a problem with me taking Gregory to the summit? No, no, I'm not bothered.
No, you guys have fun.
- You know, it's just that I - Don't touch me, please! - (KNOCKING) - Come in.
Oh! So, this would be my office! (BOTH LAUGH) - Hi, Mike.
How are you? - Don't get too used to it, Philip.
- My aide, Sebastian Love.
- Oh.
Hi.
Just need to search you.
OK, fine.
Sebastian, I don't think that's necessary.
Oh.
Oh! - Philip, please, take a seat.
- Yes, thank you very much.
The press have been very kind to you today.
Yeah, I was surprised.
Even the ''Guardian'' were positive.
Gorgeous photo of him, wasn't it, Michael? Tea? - I'm sorry? - Cup of tea? - Are you having one? - Never mind him.
You want one, you have one.
Well, yes, thank you very much.
Are you advising your MPs to block my educational reforms? - That's the reason you invited me here? - I don't think Finger? - I'm sorry? - Chocolate finger? - No, thanks.
- Go on.
Treat yourself.
I like to dunk mine and suck off the chocolate.
Sebastian! Thank you.
I just don't see that these reforms need to turn into a party political issue.
- Don't let him bully you! - That's between me and the Shadow Cabinet.
Yeah, you go for it, girl! Well, I'd better be going.
I've got an interview with Paxman.
- Good luck! - He had you, didn't he? - He did not! - (WHISPERS) He did.
It's nice to see you again, Michael.
- Good luck with the NATO summit.
- Thank you.
- Are you going, Sebastian? - No, he's taking a black boy.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
I'll text you my number, yeah? Yes, thank you.
Goodbye.
Sebastian, that was an extraordinary display! Ooh, jealous! It's half past Tommy, and Judy and Maggie have completed their judging.
Ladies, thank you so much for judging the jams.
- It was a pleasure, Vicar.
- Thank you, Vicar.
- Care for a fairy cake? - Thank you.
Yes, thank you.
Hmm! Oh, these look lovely.
Hmm, delicious! These were actually made by the people in the homeless shelter.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ohh! After a morning spent removing all the ''K''s from Andy's Alphabetti Spaghetti, Lou is taking his friend to the park.
- Don't eat all the bread.
That's for the ducks! - Yeah, I know.
Oi, oi, Ironside! - Come over here and say that! - Rise above it.
- They're taking the mick.
- Just ignore it.
- Someone should give them lot a smack.
- I thought you were against violence.
You said violence is the last bastion of moral cowardice.
- Yeah, I know.
- Leave it, then.
Let's feed the ducks.
Oi! Oi, Davros! Peaceful here, innit? That's why I like it.
A chance to really think and reflect on your life.
I find the water very calming and I know you do, too.
Especially on a day like today.
Absolutely magical.
All the troubles of the world just float away.
Oh, good, they've gone.
See? Rise above it! Yeah, I know.
And so it is time to leave Little Britain for another week.
I have been asked to read the names of people who have to go to bed now.
Peter Goodman, Susanna and Robin Fellows, Kathleen Willetts, Sir Henry Faulkner and Mickey.
Good nigh! (ANDY) Have you got my inhaler?