Lopez (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Last season on Lopez Today I spoke on the phone with promoters in Las Vegas.
They want to give you a residency show.
Vegas! (George) It's an oasis in the middle of the desert where all your problems evaporate.
Thank you, everybody! You're gonna be doing eight shows a week for the next three years! Minimum, you're gonna be doing this for the rest of your life.
(all laugh and cheer) Manolo, it's horrible, dude.
Every day for the last six months, I take the same elevator from my suite down to the main floor.
And then I walk to the same casino into the same theater and I and I do the same damn show.
No no variations.
They they don't want that.
(sighs, stammers) And then when I'm done, I I take the same elevator back to my suite.
I'm like a Mexican gerbil trapped in an Anglo Habitrail.
I might not see sun, Manolo.
I might not even breathe fresh air all day.
The monotony, it it's killing me.
It's killing me.
That's terrible.
You're an artist.
You need to be stimulated.
Yes, thank you, Manolo.
Donald Trump is president, man, I got things to say.
Man, I wish you were in Vegas with me.
Me too, jefe.
Well, actually, anywhere out of jail would be better.
Manolo, you violated parole for me, man.
I'm never gonna forget that.
I would do it again, but this time I probably wouldn't post pictures on Facebook.
You know, the the 48 hours that I've been in L.
A.
, dude, I feel like I'm on parole, like I can finally breathe.
(guard) Wrap it up.
Visitation is over! Oh, man.
I've gotta get you outta here.
I mean, you can't you can't live like this.
(woman) Oh, hell no! Hey, what are you doing here?! Get the hell outta here! Nobody wants you here.
You better go.
- (man) Damn.
- You better walk, bitch.
Damn, dude, it's like somebody's wife and girlfriend just met for the first time.
Oh, he's not married.
That's my roommate, Hector.
He has all kinds of females visiting him all the time.
Uh, Manolo, listen, you're in lockup.
They don't call 'em roommates, all right? They're called cellmates.
You're in jail, you're not at UCLA.
(woman) George Lopez! Mommy? (woman speaking Spanish) Hey, she says hi.
Uhh S02E01 Leaving Las Vegas Synced and corrected by LittleDuck (George) Ohh Oh, my God! This meal! This food is so good.
You don't get food like this in Las Vegas.
I'm on a new diet where I'm allowed to eat anything I want, but only for 90 minutes a day.
Studies with mice have shown that it improves mental acuity, builds muscle mass, and improves reflexes.
- In mice? - Mm-hmm, try me.
Hey, it's so fun connecting with you while you're back in L.
A.
Yeah.
And I'm gonna be in Vegas next week, so Yeah, you know what, the San Francisco Giants are playing the Dodgers next week.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I love it when we play the Giants at Dodgers Stadium.
Man, hey, you think we'll get Manolo sprung by then? I could work on that.
My uncle's a judge and and if Manolo wears long sleeves to the parole hearing, - he should be just fine.
- That's fantastic.
I love seeing Manolo intimidate that Giant fan.
Stared him down.
Can't wait.
I bet you can't wait to hear all about the game when Manolo calls you while you're in Vegas? Yeah, that's why I thought we should have lunch, Olly.
I'm not going back to Vegas.
- (George) That was good.
- (Olly) George you have to go back to Vegas.
- You have a contract.
- So? Pete Carroll had a contract.
Nick Saban had a contract.
I don't know what those names mean.
Those names mean I'm not going back to Vegas.
Olly, you can always get out of a contract.
But George, you begged me to get you that residency.
Sheila and I got it for you.
Yes, of course, Olly, you did great.
All right, and if I could go back to Las Vegas, I would.
But listen, the monotony of those shows and the same thing every night, it's it's crushing my creative soul.
I get it.
But this is a big deal.
We need to talk to Danny.
Shouldn't you have your imaginary assistant schedule that meeting? If you're referring to Tajim, she's on leave.
Maternity leave.
- But she sends her love.
- Oh.
Okay, 3:00 at Four Arts.
Beautiful, hey, what are the four arts anyways? And the fourth art Singing.
'Cause you can't rep Sting, Rihanna, Sia and Miley if you aren't gonna give 'em an art, right? (chuckles) That's right.
I remember when it was just one art.
Stand-up comedy, it was me and that prop comedian Pickles.
Pickles.
(laughing) I think he's in Branson, that dude.
(both laughing) I have George Lucas for you.
Oh, please, he's gonna bitch about "Star Wars.
" Make a guy a billionaire, he never forgives you.
I'll return.
I'm with George Lopez.
Don't put anyone through.
Course.
Anyway, George, so good you're here.
Thanks.
Woodwind & Associates, they are happy with you.
Hey, next time I'm in Vegas, we should play golf with the CEO, Mr.
Hing.
What a great guy.
I mean, it helps if you speak Mandarin or you're into prostitutes, but he is a great guy.
He sounds fun, but here's the thing, Danny.
George doesn't want to go back to Vegas.
He wants out of that contract.
(distant phone ringing) Really, George? Is it the money? Because we shook that tree pretty hard.
No, Danny, it's not about the money.
I I just can't I just can't go back to that same casino and do the same show.
Danny, I do it till I'm so numb, I don't even know what I'm doing.
Well, of course.
George, what do you want? Tell me.
That's why I'm here.
Ah, great, well, I have an idea for a new show.
It's a one-hour.
You know, it's it's a one-hour.
It takes place in the Valley, like a valley that no one has ever seen.
Like my side of the Valley.
I think that sounds very interesting.
Yeah, and he's an ex-cop and he's edgy.
It's something completely unexpected from me.
Wow, well, we have our marching orders.
We're gonna get you that show, right, Olly? - Right, 100%.
- All you gotta do, go back to Vegas, do your show.
While you're doing that, we'll lay the groundwork for "Lopez," ex-cop show.
Well, here's the thing, Danny, I'm not going back, okay? I refuse to go back.
You're just gonna have to get me out of this contract.
Listen, George, when we started working together, I promised to protect your interests.
I also knew, sometimes I'd have to protect you against yourself.
Wait a minute, from myself? What I'm the problem? I hope not.
Listen, Danny, I think this show it would be a great show, it's - George.
- It Nobody wants that show from you.
Well, yeah, of course not.
Not if they never hear it.
Listen, George, you won.
That residency show was your golden handshake.
Your ride into the sunset.
And the money will just keep rolling in.
Enjoy it.
I don't want to ride into the sunset, Danny.
I still want to create.
I think this show can be important.
I think this show can highlight important issues in the Latin community.
George, you're talking about a premium channel one-hour show.
I can't get you that.
Well, here's the thing.
You don't have to get it for me.
I'll get it, I just need you to get me in the room and just back me up.
You couldn't get a half-hour sitcom now, George.
To do that, you have to be relevant.
Wow.
Uh, well, relevant, wow.
So you're saying that I'm irrelevant? To the studios and networks, yes.
So what am I supposed to do, Danny, quit? Disappear? You're supposed to go back to Vegas electric guitar and stay there.
(chuckles) Danny, you're fired.
You're fired.
Yeah.
And (bleep) you too and your little table.
hip hop (Olly) George?! George! Hey, man, could you slow down? I'm wearing heels.
Listen, I I'm sorry, but I can't work with somebody who doesn't believe in me.
So you can go back up there and tell him I'm not coming back.
Huh, well, I can't work with Danny either because he fired me.
Yeah, it was my job to keep you in Vegas and I failed.
I am so screwed.
Do you even know what the monthly is on my Tesla? No, but I mean, you don't spend money on gas or anything.
I don't save quite enough.
Listen, Olly, I'm truly sorry.
I mean, but when he said I wasn't relevant, I mean, what does that even mean? Nobody knows.
It's just a word that people say now that ratings are meaningless.
Like nobody watches "Girls," but it's relevant.
- Yeah, why? - I don't know! Maybe because people like me can relate to it and then go to parties and industry meetings where other people like me are deciding what's relevant.
God, I hate this business.
And screw this diet.
I'm very hungry.
Do you have any food on you? - No, I I just have mints.
- Yes.
- Want that? - Yeah.
I mean, so listen, it's just it's just that What What are you (sighs) Yeah, you all right? You ever wonder why those shows that are set in Brooklyn get rave reviews in pickups? I never have, but I Because executives and the critics and the bloggers live in Brooklyn, or lived in Brooklyn.
Or wish they lived in Brooklyn.
So it is relevant to them.
- So what do we do? We move? - Yeah.
To West L.
A.
at least.
And be white and snarky and have dating problems.
Yeah, but that's you, that's not me.
I grew up poor in San Fernando.
Yeah, but none of them have ever been to San Fernando or care about it or think it's cool.
But you know what they do care about? Anal.
Mm-hmm.
Think about it.
It's like the new badge of relevance.
Girls, analingus, high-maintenance.
- Gay anal.
- All right.
And that's just HBO, folks.
Amazon has "Fleabag," the opening scene is anal.
- Okay.
- Straight anal! Not so loud, though.
And to prove my point, those shows are anal Brooklyn, anal Brooklyn, - anal London.
- Hey.
All places that matter to the people that matter.
All right, I get it.
You know I don't fit, but I never fit in.
But you know what? I'm gonna attack this thing head on.
I'm gonna get me another high-profile manager, and I'm gonna take you with me, all right? And we'll show 'em what relevance is.
My way, but no anal.
Damn, where's my parking ticket.
I gotta get Manolo back.
I can't even find my Oh, I got him out.
Well, not out.
You gotta go get him.
And his release is conditional.
- You got him out? - Yes.
Oh, my God, Olly, that's amazing.
Listen, we're gonna make Danny regret the day - that he lost us both! - Yes! All right? (laughs) Okay.
- Should we? - No.
Okay, I'll call you.
All right, thanks.
Get some food.
(chuckles) hip hop starts again (George) Ah.
Ha-ha.
Smell that? (sniffs) Freedom.
Smell hot dogs.
Hey, you look ripped.
The Armenians thought I was one of them, so I got double gym time in the yard.
Hey, hey, check this out.
Oh, snap.
Dodgers and Giants.
Man, I missed every game inside.
All they want to do is watch "Wendy Williams.
" Uh-huh, but look where it is.
In the dugout club.
Wow, jefe.
I never thought getting out of jail could be this magical.
All right, you can let me go, man.
(George) It's like going around in a full circle, man.
Remember when we were going to The Comedy Store when I was 18? Nobody believed in me.
Everybody made fun of me.
Yeah, and I used to beat the crap out of 'em.
That's how I feel right now.
But you know what, Manolo, I showed 'em then, and I'm gonna show 'em now.
I think beating the crap out of people now might be a violation of my conditional release.
You don't have to beat anybody up, bro.
I was talking metaphorically.
I'm not really sure what that means, but maybe after I get my high school degree.
Ah, I think it's good you're getting your degree.
Like, what made you have that, um, epiphany? Oh, wow.
I really need to learn some big words.
I have to get my degree as part of my conditional release.
- To prove I am bettering myself.
- Good.
(door creaks open) There you are, you son of a bitch! How do you quit without telling me? I didn't find out till I got to the theater.
I was waiting to go on.
(bleep) you, George Lopez.
A heads-up to your opener would've been nice.
You know what, Maronzio, you're right, I'm sorry, bro.
I had to get outta there, man.
Man, I loved Vegas! I mean, I would take the elevator from my room down to the casino, do my show.
I didn't have to worry about it being fresh.
I would get back up on the elevator, go back up to my room.
Sometimes I didn't even have to go outside.
Quite a life, right? I get you have to do what you have to do, George.
But I can't be beholden to your whims anymore.
His whims means you're quitting? No, he quit for me.
And maybe I need to thank you, George, for this wake-up call.
'Cause I need to find my own way, a new way.
I've been doing stand-up for 20 years.
I'm still an opener.
I mean, it's time to move on.
To do what? Do your stand-up.
Not anymore, I'm gonna figure out this new media game.
That's where the fans are.
Liked are the new applause.
YouTube, Snapchat, it's a gold rush.
It's what's going on, it's what's happening.
Yeah, it's what's happening if you're a teenager.
Millennials, and millennials will love me 'cause I'm very young on the inside.
I have a crappy apartment, no car.
Actually, I see myself as a trans-millennial.
And anything trans is very hip.
All right, well, good luck with that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go to my trans portation, ha.
You know, some Internet stars, they only work for like 15 minutes a day.
And they're rich.
- Rich? - Yup, that's all I need is one thing to go viral, and I'm set.
Yeah, but things don't just go viral, dude.
See, now that's the old-media way of thinking, George.
So, jefe, where we going? Well, Olly thinks it's more relevant - if I live on the west side.
- What? Yeah, dude, I don't like the west side.
It's crowded, there's no good Mexican food.
All those dudes, they look like they wrote on "The Simpsons," curly hair, baseball cap, white sneakers.
(laughs) This area right here, Los Feliz, I've always liked Los Feliz.
You've got the Observatory.
It's funky, but not too funky.
Great neighborhood.
Easy drive down to Dodgers Stadium.
Go Big Blue! Hey, I just pulled up this Zillow app - to see what's available.
- Oh, no, wait.
Check that place out right there.
Hey, Manolo, pull over.
- Wow.
- Hello.
How are you gentlemen doing today? Great, I just got out of jail.
Well, we're doing better now that we've found this place.
You know what they're asking for? You're George Lopez.
You're a celebrity.
And celebrities only rent when they're in some difficult transitional time in their lives.
Damn.
Usually dark and depressing, involves a lot of damage to the floors and plumbing.
I rented to Gary Busey and Chris Brown, and I'm not going through that again.
The TMZ buses alone I'm just looking for a peaceful place.
My daughter is away in a gap year in Cuba.
This place is way too big for you.
No, I like big places.
And I need enough room for when my daughter comes back.
And I'm gonna tell you right now, you have nothing to worry about with me.
He's very responsible.
Yells at me all the time for not cleaning up after myself.
Yeah, shut up.
You see? I want this place.
But you haven't even seen it.
I seen enough.
I like what I see.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll give you a full year's rent and I'll double whatever the security deposit is.
Done.
- I'll go get the paperwork.
- Ha-ha.
You're gonna look good holding that lamp outside here.
So, Manolo Rodriguez.
Figures.
Anyway, congratulations in starting the exciting journey to getting your general equivalency degree.
Thank you, sir.
So I'm supposed to tell you that, with your GED, you can do anything your heart desires.
So I could be an astronaut or a fireman? Are you six? No.
Here's some info on refrigerator repair and data entry, if your dreams take you in that direction.
Are you high? A little.
Oh, shit.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go, go, go.
Hey.
(car door indicator beeping) - Where we going, jefe? - Shelter Management called.
They said they want to sign me.
(laughs) (George) Hey.
Hey, jefe, you were in there a long time.
Hey, yeah, well, it took a while to drink that Napoleon brandy, man, and smoke fine cigars.
Hey, and to get 'em to approve everything I wanted, - including hiring Olly.
- That's tight.
Dude, she gonna go nuts.
Ay, we should tell her in person.
Wait a minute, I know where she lives.
Oh, wait, I got it.
I remember Tajim had me send some packages to her.
Look, she's not that far.
Oh, yeah, let's go tell her.
Ay, oh, by the way, Taji Nah, never Never mind.
Come on, let's go.
(chuckles) (George) Hey, man, being a manager must pay pretty good.
Maybe too good.
Olly! Olly! Olly, your friends are here.
Great.
(chuckling) Oh, uh, nice hair.
It was high school, a very traumatic and unrelenting high school.
- How about that one? - Princeton.
- And that one? - Law school, USC.
- You graduated from law school? - Mm-hmm.
- How old are you? - 27.
Damn, I really do need to get my GED.
So, listen, Olly, I'm thinking about signing with Len Soris over there at Shelter Management.
He's gonna do everything I want including hiring you! (gasps) I think I'll pass.
You're turning down Shelter Management? Yes, and I think you should, too.
That I should turn down the most powerful manager in Hollywood who promised to do everything I asked him to do, and he said that the hour-long show's a slam dunk.
And he pointed out that it'll take a little while to lay the groundwork for the show, so you might as well make a trip back to Vegas, - patch things up? - No, you know what? He's not shipping me back to Vegas.
He just wants me to go back there to smooth things over with the brass - and maybe hang out with Mr.
Hing.
- Mmm.
Maybe just do a show or two just to show good faith? How'd you know that? Because I'm a manager.
Len is no worse and no better than Danny.
They just see a little money-producing box and they want to keep you in it.
George, there will always be another reason why you should just go back to Vegas and do a couple more shows.
And there will never be any groundwork laid for your new TV show.
They are all the same.
And I'm not going back to it.
It makes you inhuman.
What are you gonna do? I've been thinking a lot about this.
I am going to be a "magent.
" What the hell You know how an agent takes 10% and a manager takes 10%.
Well, I'm going to do it all.
For 10%? I was thinking 15.
- But whatever you want.
- Me? I know what you're thinking.
I don't know if she can do the job.
Well, guess what? I don't know if I can do the job.
Wow, that's quite a sales pitch you have.
George, if you go back with a big, powerful management company, you will end up in the same place.
Only then, you'll be creatively finished.
You need someone like me, someone who cares only about you and who has something to prove to you and to this town and to her high school and to herself.
(knocking on door) Olly, would you and your friends like some soup? I can make it in the Keurig.
It comes in pods like coffee but tastes like soup.
No thanks, Mom.
I'm closing a deal.
Okay.
(door closes) Oh, well guess we all have something to prove.
electric guitar I feel sick.
Mom! Tums! Do you have an antacid? And champagne.
The good part is Olly's hungry so she's motivated to get this hour-long show to work.
I'm gonna miss those bubbly fruit waters at Four Arts.
(doorbell ringing) (laughs) I'll get you a gift certificate to BevMo! (doorbell continues ringing) Oh, man! He wasn't lying.
You are George Lopez! I'm Hector, Manolo's roommate from jail.
Yo, what's up, big guy? Hey, what's up? What's up, man? What's up, boss? Oh, man, this is great.
Oh, and thanks for letting me use your Uber account.
I usually have to take the bus when I get out of jail.
(gags) Oh Oh, this is good.
Ah.