Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s02e01 Episode Script

1
[WAR'S "LOW RIDER"]
And now,
standing 5'10", weighing
in at "I'm too scared to guess"
pounds, and five weeks sober today,
George Lopez!
That's right, I can
do the alphabet backwards.
A, B, C, D, E
- [GEORGE CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- I'm proud of you, Dad.
Uh, yeah, whatever. Where's my cake?
You know the rules.
Another week of sobriety, another cake.
We can't bake you a cake every week
for the rest of your life.
That's, like, 100 cakes.
Now that you got your 30-day chip,
your reward is self-improvement.
All right.
Can't believe there's no cake.
I only had six donuts in AA
to save room.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hey, did somebody say cake?
Whoo.
No, sorry. There's no cake.
My family hates me.
I guess they want me
to start drinking again.
This is my new sponsor, Iggy.
George just really needs
your support right now.
When you get sober,
you're just all over the place.
At first,
you're like, "Hey, I got this."
Hey, and then you're like,
"Oh, my God, what's going on?
- Dear Lord, why?"
- Yeah.
And then your girl's like,
"Iggy, I'm over this.
I'm leaving you."
And then you're like,
"But, Vanessa, why?
You said the jorts were sexy."
Everyone's on a
different journey, qué no?
Look. George is very fragile right now.
I'm very fragile.
The man spends a lifetime
moving people's delicate boxes,
yet he's the one who needs
to be handled with care.
I may be the mover,
but you're the one
that's moving me to tears.
- Hey, bring it in, man.
- All right.
Bring it in. Come here.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
We've been supporting you
for five weeks.
Your sponsor didn't need to lecture us.
We get what you're doing is hard.
No, I don't think you do.
Because none of you have ever had
to face your own addictions.
Because we don't have any addictions.
I differ to "begef."
You know what your addiction is, Mayan?
Your addiction is blaming me
for everything that goes wrong.
Just this morning, you blamed me
because you missed breakfast.
Because you ate mine.
If you don't want me
to have your avocado toast,
hide it under your bed
like a normal person.
And this fool right here,
he's addicted to video games.
It's called "Fortnite,"
and it's a interactive
digital experience.
OK, junkie.
And, Rosie, addicted to cleaning.
Wanting to keep things clean
is normal behavior
by a sane person.
Well, sane people don't
wear mops on their feet.
I saw them on Facebook.
In the Bahamas, they use them
to clean glass-bottom boats.
Quinten is addicted to cheese.
I can stop anytime I want.
Even Churro's addicted to going outside.
Just hearing the word
gets her scratching.
None of these things are addictions.
Then it shouldn't be hard for any of you
to give them up for a week.
[CHUCKLING] Or are you scared?
A week? Let's go a whole month, fool.
No, we'll just do a week.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Ba-ba-ba-ba.
We all made a promise to your grandpa.
You need to learn to follow
through and give up "Fortnite."
[SIGHS] There, I quit.
I'll quit again in about an hour.
You made a commitment.
Even if it was to a man who
hasn't made one since 1993
at Our Lady of Soledad.
And he couldn't even keep that one.
Ba-ba-ba.
If I can't play, how come
it's OK for you to clean?
I'm not cleaning.
I am, uh, getting you dressed.
Put these on.
I already have socks on,
and these are dirty.
Put them on.
[GROANS] So much dust.
And I can't clean.
But you can.
And you can play my game,
so I don't lose my streak.
I'm trusting you with this, Nana.
And I'm trusting you with one
of my most prized possessions.
A rag? This ain't no prize!
It's not just a rag.
It was my baby blanket,
my communion shawl,
and my wedding veil.
And now it's a thin piece of fabric
holding this entire house together.
[WHISPERS] Now clean.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[SCREAMS]
- [SIGHS]
- I see not blaming your dad is going well.
[MAYAN SIGHS]
I'm trying to be supportive of my dad,
but he's not making it easy.
I thought sober, he'd be
loving, considerate, patient.
I was expecting Mexican Tom Hanks.
- Instead, you got Mexican Tom Arnold.
- Mm.
Incoming!
- What?
- Oh, gah!
I need someone to stay up late
and watch funny videos with me.
Without booze, I've been having
trouble passing out.
It's called falling asleep.
If you don't let me sleep,
it'll ruin my day.
Whoa, somebody's jonesing
to blame me, huh?
I need it, man.
Give me a hit,
a sip of that sweet, sweet
misplaced anger, man.
I'm not blaming you,
just like I didn't blame you
when you didn't flush because you said
you were letting it "soak."
That was you?
I thought it was Chance.
I made him a doctor's appointment!
You know what? You both
could learn from AA.
We say, "God, grant me the serenity
"to accept the things
that I can't change,
the courage to change the things I can."
And they wrap it all up with,
"The wisdom to know the difference."
How could you possibly memorize that?
Now that I've made the
life choice to be sober,
I'm remembering things.
Jealous? [CHUCKLES]
More like cranky, worn-out,
on the verge of yelling.
Oh, my God, I'm Cuban
Dominican Mexican Roseanne.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Uh-uh, it's not what you think.
It's vegan cheese.
Do you know where the Tylenol PM is?
It's 9:00 a.m.
I either knock myself out with pills,
or I knock my dad out with a tire iron.
[GEORGE GROANS]
Are you OK?
Oscar and the guys are
out drinking without me,
realized all the good times
are behind me.
OK, again, it's 9:00 a.m.
Yeah, but it's 9:15 somewhere.
I think your dad is feeling lonely.
That's why he's been acting so needy.
He misses his drinking buddies.
Just like I miss my cheese club.
The Fon-Dudes.
Well, if he's that lonely, then
I guess we should make sure
that he always has someone
to spend time with.
Why don't you take him to dinner?
You can practice
not blaming him for anything.
And if you show him
he can have a good time sober,
then maybe he'll be less needy.
And maybe, once he gets his needs met,
he'll become the beloved
two-time Oscar-winning
American treasure we deserve!
At least you're not
setting yourself up to fail.
[QUIENTEN CHUCKLES]
Use the pickax, not the sickle.
You're better than this, Nana.
Stop cleaning around the picture frame.
You have to lift things up
and dust under them.
How do you know what I'm doing?
The dirt speaks to me.
[ROSIE HUFFS]
With every death, you're killing me.
That's it. I've had enough.
[WHISPERS] Give me the rag.
I'll trade you for the controller.
On the count of three.
One, two
You broke my controller!
You got my rag dirty.
It's a rag!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I haven't been here in a while.
Why did we stop coming?
Didn't you do something
to get us kicked out?
Yeah, I was banned after
I "stole" a margarita glass
that you "hid" in my SpongeBob backpack.
Hi, I'm Gladys.
Please enjoy some of our
famous sloppy nachos.
Orale! You're George Lopez,
five-time winner of our big
borrachodrinking competition.
I wasn't even competing.
It was just Thursday. [CHUCKLES]
My dad told me all about you
and to look out for your rateradaughter.
She's in prison now.
This is, uh, Caroline, my butler.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Hello, love.
Nice to meet you, Madame.
Your usual, one margarita,
hold the salt, hold the ice,
hold the margarita mix?
You got to hold everything,
because I'm not drinking.
Oh, you got that tequila
tampon up your pompis.
I told your dad that in confidence.
I don't use tampons anymore.
I went through the change.
I'll just have a virgin drink, OK?
Bring me a piña con-nada.
[BRITISH ACCENT] The gentleman will take
his blended, as will I.
[BRITISH ACCENT]
And later, you shall press
my jacket, polish my silverware,
and pull my finger.
[BRITISH ACCENT] As you wish, sir.
- Brrrrr!
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, my gosh. Are we having fun?
We are having fun, huh?
Sloppy nachos?
Tom Hanks.
I mean T Hanks.
I mean thanks.
It really makes me happy that
we can spend time together
without fighting.
What the hell are you doing?
- What?
- Nachos are a finger food.
Like steak or soup.
If I eat with my hands,
I'll get salsa on my sweater.
You stop that this instant.
You're embarrassing me.
I'm a big borrachodeal around here.
- Is this better?
- Yeah.
[WHISPERING]
I can't have people thinking
that I hired a butler that
doesn't know table etiquette.
Ow, ow, ow.
Jalapeño in my eyes. Ow.
- I can't see.
- You can't see?
Ow. Ow, ow, ow.
She can't see!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
This is your fault.
All aboard, here comes the blame train!
Choo-choo!
I take you out to dinner
to your favorite restaurant,
and all you want to do
is push my buttons.
I thought we were having a good time.
You were giving me crap.
I always give you crap.
That's our thing!
You made me eat with my hands.
Mayan, you touched your eye.
What, I cultivated the jalapeño
over generations to be spicy?
Just admit it, Mayan.
You're addicted to blaming me.
I wouldn't have to blame you
if you were
taking your sobriety seriously.
I am. I stopped drinking.
Then why are you
making it so hard for me?
This is hard on you?
Let's just pay and go.
Are you serious?
I suppose you're going
to blame that on me, too.
Well, I'm not leaving until
I finish my fruity baby drink.
[GEORGE CHUCKLES]
Whoa. I feel weird.
Are you OK?
I don't know, Mayan.
I think this drink has alcohol in it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Drink it. Taste it.
- Oh, no, I think it does.
- It does.
- Excuse me.
- Is everything OK?
Is this a virgin?
Of course, it is, Big Borracho.
Why are you winking?
I ordered a drink with no alcohol in it.
For real?
I thought you were just trying
to look classy for your butler.
I'm sober now.
This is not good. This is not good.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
This is not cheese. It's tahini, OK?
It's tahini!
- That dude has a problem.
- [ROSIE CHUCKLES]
I don't know if I'm
ever going to let anyone
use this controller again.
Now I have what Mommy calls
"trust issues."
It's almost fixed.
And as a bonus,
we get to clean the inside.
It's filled with Nerds.
Those ain't Nerds.
They're boogers.
It's better than putting
them in the couch cushions
like Grandpa.
I wish I could clean
this sofa with a blowtorch.
That's just your
addiction talking, Nana.
Ugh, I'm not addicted.
I just didn't grow up with much,
so I had to keep my stuff clean
to make it last.
Now the 80-year-old rag makes sense.
Here, you can clean. I won't tell.
No, Gordo.
We have to follow through.
We made a promise.
Well, technically, Mom made a promise.
That's true.
And God didn't listen
because her words
don't make it to Heaven.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I got to get this alcohol out of me.
Maybe stick your
fingers down your throat?
- No way. I know where those have been.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Thank you. Just drink this water.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry about this.
Tell you what
you can leave me a smaller tip.
I don't think you understand
how serious this is.
For the last five weeks,
I've been sober,
and you threw that all away for me.
Always thought that booze had my back.
But it cost me my
my family and my business.
The last time I drank
I almost died.
And yet whenever I'm alone,
I still want to drink.
But I won't.
Because I made a promise
to my family, and
I'm a better person without it.
- Oh, Dad.
- Dad?
That's your daughter?
You know she's banned
from this place, fool?
You really want to go there, Gladys?
How about a free dessert?
Flan, churros, a piece of cake?
Didn't you just hear what I said?
I was sober, and now I'm not.
I'm not worthy of cake.
So you don't want the cake?
No, I'll still take the cake.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
You did everything right, George.
Look, man.
You didn't intentionally drink.
And, Mayan, you did the
right thing by calling me.
In fact, the only thing
you didn't do right
was eat nachos with a knife and fork?
Like, who does that? Listen.
If it helps,
the fact that you're so upset
about accidentally slipping
just proves how much progress
you've made.
You know, a wise man once said,
"It's not the first drink
you got to worry about.
- It's the second."
- Ooh.
- That is wise. Who said that?
- Me.
- She doesn't listen, does she?
- No.
Hard to find good help these days.
I didn't fully realize
how hard it's been
for you to stay sober.
With all the jokes about cake,
I didn't think you were
taking it seriously.
I may have given up alcohol,
but I'm still an alcoholic.
You can't expect me
to be a whole new person
- just after five weeks.
- You're right.
I was expecting way too much from you.
But I did learn something
from you and AA.
God, grant me the serenity to
accept the dad I can't change,
courage to change the dad I can,
and the wisdom to sit
in my car and scream.
Well, I may not be
the dad that you wanted,
but I'm the dad that you deserve.
Oh, no, no, no.
I deserve better.
- But you'll do.
- Oh.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
These are the same glasses
we have at home.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
And plates. And forks.
[IGGY CHUCKLES]
I have an entire set
of linens from Applebee's.
The Mexican restaurant
offers you unlimited
anything for life, and you pick cake.
Well, now that I made
the life choice to be sober,
I'm smart.
You're jealous? [CHUCKLES]
Next time, you should
accidentally drink at Hooters.
Who knows what we can get for free?
Maybe chicken wings or something.
Well, I'm proud of this family
for not indulging in our addictions.
BOTH: Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I don't deserve this.
I was only eight hours without cheese
before I did a wedge behind the garage.
Listen, I've been there, son.
I want to support you on your journey
the way that you supported me, OK?
And for coming clean, I think
that you do deserve cake.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Well, thank you, George.
- Ah!
- [LAUGHS]
Huh? Who said you can't have fun sober?
[GEORGE LAUGHS]
Ahh! [LAUGHS]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]