Lowdown (2010) s02e01 Episode Script

A senior government minister has recorded a personal message to her supporters, telling them that she has been murdered and encouraging them to pursue her white Australia agenda.
Helen Reynolds, Minister for Families and Social Welfare, has been embarrassed by the leaking of the video which she made in the event of her premature death.
I have no comment to make on the matter.
Excuse me.
Why did you think your life was in danger? Because you people in the media have twisted my words and now every coon in the country thinks I'm a racist! Did you just say 'coon'? Yes, can you put me through to the Minister for Families and Social Welfare, please? Tell her Frank Burton's on the phone, she'll know who I am.
Did you Did you tell her it's Frank Burton? Really? Well, well, you can tell her that that is a very foolish decision.
A very foolish decision! Frank Burton enjoyed saying 'very foolish decision' so much that he decided to repeat it and instantly regretted it.
He did not want to go down this path but the minister left him no alternative.
What do you think? A solid three.
What? I get compliments on this dress all the time! I bet they're all from women.
What happened to that dress I gave you? I'm looking to get a commission, not someone's phone number.
Trust me, you'll get the commission and if you end up with someone's number, we'll put it in the bin with all the other.
Alex, would you like crepe suzette or eggs Florentine? Crepe suzette, thanks, mate! Could I have crepe suzette too? Yes What do you think? Brilliant.
Right, so basically you think it's best if I just look like a hooker? Yeah.
Alex, would you like English Breakfast, Could I have Irish Breakfast too? Yes.
He's great, isn't he? He's alright Guess this is it.
Hope we get new computers.
Sshh! What? I keep hearing this whistle.
Where? Sshh! Is that you whistling? What? Oh, no, that's just me breathing.
Mate, it's very annoying.
You want me to stop breathing? Can't you just breathe through your mouth like all the other Collingwood supporters? This me? Welcome back.
Hey, is your inbox being swamped by Ukrainian porn? No.
Yeah, neither's mine.
Oh, by the way, the editor wants to see you.
Maybe you should've led with that.
What, instead of Ukrainian porn? Andrea was right - one should always lead with Ukrainian porn.
Alex, I'd like you to meet Jeremy Bristol, the new editor of the Sunday Sun! Alex! Hi.
I want you to know I'm fine they've put me on obituaries, which is great! Haven't had a blood pressure tablet in 47 minutes.
OK, for the past 23 weeks, the Sunday Argus has been kicking the shit out of us, so I've been sent in to turn things around.
I'll tell you something, no-one's job is guaranteed.
Yeah.
My job's pretty much guaranteed.
Not really.
Contract.
It's not a very good one, though, is it? It's well written.
Well, it is well written So what I'm looking for is a knock 'em down, drag 'em out plash, nothing less than 'Sneddon died on the job'.
Got it.
Well, my cupboard's bare unless someone of note fornicates themself to death in the next 12 hours.
Alex, you're a good writer Thanks! But you don't check your facts.
Yes, I do.
'In last week's floods, rural MP Barnaby Joyce saw 30,000 pigs swept away in a torrent.
' Yeah? Well, that's a hell of a lot of pigs.
That's why it was news worthy.
But as Media Watch pointed out, it was 30 sows and pigs that were swept away in a torrent, wasn't it, Alex? In my defence, it was very difficult to hear Barnaby above the rain.
You embarrassed the masthead.
I've apologised for that.
Quite frankly, I don't know what to do with you.
What would you do with you, if you were me? I'd appreciate me a bit more.
Don't be a smartarse.
What are you working on? Have you got a lead? Yep.
What is it? And it had better be bigger than 'Man Attacks Croc'.
It is.
It's too early to go into details, but it's big.
Bigger than 'Sneddon Died On The Job'? I'd say more 'Zip Me Up Before You Go Go'.
Alright.
Come on, let's move.
We've got a paper to get out! And I'll just sit tight and wait for someone important to die, shall I? Yes, you do that That's a bit harsh.
You wouldn't have been able to hear Barnaby above the rain.
I know.
Any chance you can leak us some dirt on some of the celebs you treat liposuction, embarrassing illnesses? I don't really treat any celebs, mate.
Oh, well Oh, Alex.
Mate, you're whistling right in my ear.
You might be able to do something with this.
Apparently a colleague of mine had a guy come in, and he'd mixed up pile cream with super glue 'John's Gone Potty and Glued Up His Botty'.
You know about that one? We ran it last week.
You don't actually read our paper, do you? Nah.
Alright, I'll catch you later, guys.
The other day, I papped the Attorney General taking his government car to a bar.
Was it a gay bar? No.
Shit! What? Rita still hasn't updated her relationship status on Facebook.
Hi! You haven't updated your Facebook status.
Excuse me, but what I do on my Facebook page is none of your business.
Basically, you're telling the world you're not that into me.
I AM into you! Are you, Rita? Are you really? Babe, just because I haven't updated my Facebook page doesn't mean I'm not into you! Hang on, I've got another call.
Oh, OK.
Hello? Did you get the package? I think you might have the wrong number.
You Alex Burchill, Sunday Sun? Yeah I put a package under your door.
Right, what did it look like? Brown envelope.
Brown envelope Has anyone seen a brown envelope under the door this morning? No-one's seen a brown envelope, are you sure you sent it here? Got the address from the media directory.
South Yarra.
South Yarra's my home address.
Why would you put your home address in a media directory? In case I get sacked, I'll still get invitations to opening nights.
Makes sense.
So what was in the envelope? Erotic photos of a senior government minister.
Right, I'll call you back.
No.
No calls.
I think we just found our splash.
Stuart? Alex! What are you doing? Oh, just rifling through your bin, looking for leads.
I thought you broadsheet guys were above that sort of thing.
Yeah, new editor.
Yeah? Us too.
Georgina! Have you seen a brown envelope? Have you seen a brown envelope? Very important.
Very important! What's going on? The brown envelope's around here somewhere.
This is ridiculous, mate! Why can't you hire cleaners that can speak English? It's on the dining table.
Thank you.
Bob suddenly being able to speak Mandarin was exactly the sort of behaviour that really got up Alex's nose It's always the conservative ones.
Jeremy Bristol.
Boss, are you sitting down? Yes Cause I have in my hand photos of a young Minister for Families naked and posing in an erotic and alluring fashion.
How soon can I see them? We're on our way.
This is going to be huge.
If the pics check out.
They'll check out, won't they? I hope so! Great.
Let's go.
Alex, welcome back.
In your article on reality star Jesse James, you say that he lost his marriage, children and credibility in one foul swoop? Yep.
Unless there something particularly offensive about this swoop, or it was a swoop made by a chicken, I'll change it to 'one fell swoop', shall I? If you would.
Alex, you've really done it.
What's more, I would definitely go there.
I'd move in with her.
Move in with her? Wouldn't you just want to have sex with her and then leave? No, I'd want to wake up next to her, have a really nice breakfast together, call her in one to two days, see if she wants to see a movie or something, and then if all goes well, set up house.
Bob, I want you to check if these pics have been doctored or Photoshopped in any way.
Alright.
Alex, get a face to face with the guy who sent them.
I'm not sure he wants to be interviewed.
You can talk him down from that ledge, because this is the story that's going to launch the new Sunday Sun.
I'm thinking, 'Order In The House'.
'The Naked Civil Servant'.
'Question Time'.
'Yes, Minister'.
Ooh.
Is there a comma between the 'yes' and the 'minister'? Of course.
Bang.
You've got me.
Thanks, boss.
Get out of here.
Jeremy would have liked to have called his girlfriend to tell her the exciting news, but he was worried his wife was beginning to get suspicious.
Well, the politically correct should make up the minds what's offensive and what's not.
I can't keep up.
I don't think that word you used has ever not been offensive.
They should stop being so thin skinned.
I mean, I've been called all sorts of horrible things.
Like what? MILF.
Sexy bitch.
All sorts of horrible words.
But the point is hot slut.
But the point is that they're just words.
I have young women come up to me and say Can you see anything? There's no seams I'm scared to catch a train with the Lebanese Muslims.
Unbelievable.
Still single.
Obviously not all Lebanese Muslims.
Some are very nice.
How did you do that? Rita, you've still haven't updated your status.
How can I update my status when I've been on hold to you for the last 52 minutes? Are you insane? Who stays on hold for 52 minutes? Someone who's trying to prove that they're into you.
Right, you must have a guilty conscience, otherwise you wouldn't need to prove that you're into me.
Wow, you are really hard to get on with.
Well why don't you find someone who's easy to get on with, then? Good.
I will.
Good! You handled the situation perfectly, mate.
Thanks, mate.
So what do you reckon? They look legitimate.
Should check the negatives, though.
Hello, Frank Burton speaking.
Frank, Alex Burchill from the Sunday Sun.
I thought I told you, no calls.
Hang on a minute.
I thought I told you, no calls.
Frank, we just wanted to thank you for the pics.
They're great.
Yeah, they are great, aren't they? Have you got the negatives? Yeah, obviously.
Can I meet you somewhere for a quick chat? No.
No interview.
Mate, we can't run the pics without a story.
I said, no interview.
Frank, the story has no legitimacy unless we talk to you about taking the pics and why you suddenly decided to go public.
And it'd be great to a photo of you too.
Definitely no photo.
So you'll agree to the interview? Would have to be on the phone.
Sorry, Frank.
Happy not to photograph you, but I'm going to need to talk to you face to face.
We've got to make sure you are who you say you are.
Alright.
But you make sure you come alone.
Whatever you do, don't let him see you.
No, I'll be very careful.
Mate, that is disgusting.
I'm just trying to clear my nostrils so I don't whistle.
If it's a choice between that and the whistle, I'll take the whistle.
Gee, you're hard to get on with.
I am not! You are.
Hands in the air.
I haven't got anything.
Yeah, well, I'll be the judge of that, won't I? Alright, then.
Cup of tea? So how did you and the Minister meet? Young Liberals do.
And you had a connection? Yeah.
And when did you start to get romantic? When I felt her tits.
Right.
And how long did you go out for? About three months.
Three months? Yeah, we had a deep sexual chemistry.
Bit racy, was she? Yeah, but I didn't so much mind.
I can be racist myself, truth be known.
No, no, I mean, a bit of a tiger, is she? Yeah, well she was a strong-willed young thing, but when it came to the bedroom, she liked me to be the strong one.
That's great.
And when were the pictures taken? Hmm about a month in.
Um, any chance of seeing the negatives? Why? The boss is a bit of a stickler.
Anyone follow you here? I didn't see anyone.
Get down! Look actually, Frank, I think I got pretty much everything I need.
So thanks for that.
Very nice to meet you! What'd you get? It's pretty bad.
I'm actually in quite a bit of pain.
No, I mean photos.
Oh.
Oh, I think we'll be OK.
I got a pretty clear run at him and a bit profiley, but you can still see his face.
As soon as we get back, we'll send it straight through to imaging, because the boss is going to want to splash on this.
I thought we were going to the hospital.
Really? Look at me! You can't go to hospital! They'll ask you what you're doing stepping on bombs! I'll just tell them I'm doing my job! Trespassing on someone's property so you can photograph them without permission? They're just as bad for looking at the photographs! We'll take you to Dr James, he'll sort you out, no questions.
Whatever.
This was going to be a long drive My password's TARDIS.
I think I would've guessed that.
Do you want to give us a hand to the door? I've gotta get back and it's a struggle to find a park, I've got a really nice intro in my head and if I get into conversations with people, I might forget.
One excuse would've done, mate.
Bob! Mate! Is this your surgery? Yeah, yeah.
Working from home.
It's great! Come on in.
Bob noticed that Dr James bore a passing resemblance to '70s folk icon Art Garfunkel Hey, guys, what did I say about playing computer games during work hours? Yeah, and I said this is my house and I can do what I want.
OK.
Uh Come on.
Now, just make yourself comfortable and I'll go and put on some clothes.
To clear the consciousness for healing.
No worries.
So what happened? I stepped on a bomb.
Oh, right.
Yeah, so Trish leaving me and getting full custody of the twins was the best thing that could've happened to me.
Right.
Sorry if I'm getting blood on the carpet, but I stepped on a bomb.
Suddenly, you realise you're living in a tiny box and there's a great, big world out there.
Did you know there are television networks other than the ABC? Bob? Yeah, I'm listening, I'm just finding it hard to concentrate with the pain.
Of course.
Now, I better tell you, I'm no longer a prescribing doctor.
Why not? Well, the AMA has been clamping down on drug company freebies, so there was no longer any incentive.
Also, the side-effects can be quite debilitating.
Really? Oh, yeah.
A particular anti-depressant was giving one in three women an orgasm every time they yawned.
Some even had an orgasm when they yawned on purpose.
Hold the wisecracks, it's a very serious matter.
Speaking of serious matters, I stepped on a bomb.
That you did.
OK.
Ooh.
Hey, not to worry.
The body is an amazing healer.
All we need to do is apply some antiseptic neem oil, we'll organdage you up and let nature do the rest.
That is believed to be the first time ever that the word 'organdage' has been used on Australian television.
Bob? Samantha! What happened to you? I just stepped on a bomb.
Oh, my God! Are you OK? Yeah.
And you're the only person who's given the slightest shit about it.
Oh, really? Yeah, what's wrong with you? Oh, I had a weird reaction to an anti-depressant.
Right We should catch up sometime.
Yeah.
Maybe I'll call you.
Maybe I'll answer.
Have you rung the minister yet? About to.
I like to wait till the last minute so they don't have time to counter-attack.
Yes, I'd like to speak to the Minister for Families, please.
It's in relation to some compromising photographs of the Minister which have been obtained by the Sunday Sun.
Yeah, I'd like to speak to Ms Reynolds herself, thank you.
Well, tell her it's Alex Burchill, Sunday Sun.
She'll know who I am.
Did you tell her it was Alex Burchill? Oh, right, is that a fact? Well, tell her that is a very foolish decision.
A very fool Alex was hung up on before he got to say 'very foolish decision' for the second time, which was fortunate, because he would have instantly regretted it.
I'm sorry, baby.
I'm sorry too.
I just want to thank you for making me wear this dress.
You look great.
I know.
I was worried that they weren't going to take me seriously dressed like this but, in fact, they were eating out of my hands.
I guess that's fine, as long as everyone kept their clothes on.
And I'd say, like, 'In a common space like Federation Square, you need a work that people can interact with.
' They were like, 'Yeah, that's exactly what we were thinking.
' That's brilliant! I really need this commission.
I'm so tired of pretending I'm not home when the men come round to repossess my furniture.
How much do you owe? Take it.
Hello? Yes.
Yes Right.
OK! Bye.
I didn't get it.
Really? No, but they said they were impressed by my aesthetic, and they offered me a job escorting visiting dignitaries.
Well, it's not the dress's fault.
Well, why else would they want me to escort dignitaries? If you've got a nice body, you should be able to show it off, especially if you've got a round face.
What? If you've got a round face, some people might think you've got a round body, you don't.
You've got a svelte body.
The dress reveals that.
You think that I have a round face? No.
Yes, you do, and you want me to offset it by dressing like a hooker! Look, as much as I'd like to continue this conversation, I'm actually on an important story.
Really? Who have I slept with this time? Not everything's about you.
If you must know, it's a political story about the Minister for Families and her suitability for office.
He's publishing nude pics of the Minister from when she was 19.
Of course, he is.
Well, good luck with that.
It's normally very difficult to take the moral high ground when you're dressed like a hooker, but I think she got away with it.
Mate, this could be the story of the year.
Of the decade.
My only concern, and it's a small one, is we don't have a comment from the Minister.
The Minister didn't want to talk to us.
She refused to talk to us.
Was she made aware of what we've got? Her people were.
Which means she was.
And the negatives all checked out? Yeah.
You think I should publish, don't you? The Australian public has a right to know.
I hope that, one day, you find someone you like so much that you'll update your status.
And I hope that, one day, you find someone who loves you as much as Bob does.
And I hope that, one day, you find someone who likes you wearing a tent.
And I hope that, one day, you find someone who thinks that what you do is really important.
So do you want to catch a movie sometime? What about tomorrow night? Sounds good! That dress does look awesome on you.
Thanks, baby.
Don't look to me for clarification.
I'm as confused as you are How'd the break up go, Alex? It went really well.
Great.
Hey, just FYI, I get a lot of spam Ukrainian porn, right, and I always open it because I like to keep up with what the kids are doing in the bedroom Anyway, I was thinking, this picture of the adult film star, Olga Petrenko is very similar to your picture of the Minister for Families.
In fact, I think it's exactly the same.
Stuart? Alex, that is brilliant.
Running a picture of a Ukrainian porn star on the front page of the Sunday Sun and calling her the Minister for Families.
I've got quotes from the boyfriend! Oh, Alex, he's just a fantasist who's gone off his medication.
I've written a nice little piece about it.
It'll be up on the Argus website in about five.
Oh, God Yeah, I've had a few cracks at you and the story but don't take it personally.
It's just showbiz.
That is not me in those photos and I will be suing the Sunday Sun for several million dollars to reflect the pain and embarrassment caused to myself and my family.
Thank you.
A scandal has erupted after the Sunday Sun published raunchy photographs of an 18-year-old Ukrainian porn star and claimed they were the Minister for Families.
The troubled tabloid's new editor, Jeremy Bristol, still maintains the photos are authentic.
Alex Burchill, my office.
From that day on, all nude photographs of public figures that fell into the hands of the Sunday Sun would be cross-checked with all available online porn even if the editor had to check every last one himself One more strike and you're out.
Look at this clown! Brian hacks into the voicemails of celebrities.
I can't be party to phone hacking.
Why not? Because you only ring me when you want something.
Oh, is this yours, is it? Alex good luck with your story.