Mad About You s02e01 Episode Script

Down! Come on.
Get down.
Get off the couch.
What's that? Is that a piece of bloody beef on the floor? I think it is.
- Get down.
- Sweetie let me show you.
Down.
Get down.
Down.
He's not warmed up.
Sit.
Okay.
Lay there.
Okay.
Murray, you've had the TV all day.
So why don't you give us a turn? - That's it.
Reason with him.
- He can do this.
It's not that hard.
Come on, just get off the couch.
Get off the couch.
Seriously, no kidding around.
Get off the couch.
Want to go to a movie instead? - How's it going? - Want to taste? - It's great.
- Really? - Wow, that's bad! - I didn't wanna say.
It needs a lot less of something.
- Did you get dessert? - Yes, I did.
Right there.
- Please don't eat it now! - Why do you care? Because I know that means you're gonna eat mine later.
Where is yours anyway? You're hiding your brownie from me? No.
I'm the executor of your will.
Yeah, but I ain't leaving you my brownies.
Did you talk to your sister about this? - She says the buzzer sticks.
- It doesn't stick for normal people.
You're so easy.
I'm coming.
Boy, we got a lot of peas.
- Lis! - It sticks.
Come in.
Hey, is Murray home? - Again? - I'm just taking him for a walk.
Let me tell you something.
Murray is aware you're only taking him out to meet guys.
It's not a secret.
Yeah, but why don't you get him a big hat and an El Dorado? Come on, Paul.
It's a half-hour out of his life.
- Yeah, but in dog minutes - Let her take him.
It's his decision.
I just work here.
Out? Wanna go out? Yeah, who's a good boy? Who's a good? Can I get a little help? My client feels this is non-negotiable.
And I must say, frankly, I agree.
She wants you to go in the kitchen.
- Out of the question.
- Why? Every time she does this, he leaves stupid, but he comes back depressed.
- Come on, she means well.
- But she doesn't do well.
It's fun for Murray.
It's good for Lisa.
If she meets somebody, she won't be over here as much.
Thank you.
Lis, it's okay.
- Where did you find that? - I was looking for peas.
Like your family is just so perfect.
- Fine, take the dog.
- Great.
- I want him back in 30 minutes.
- Whatever.
- Not whatever! Just - Have fun, you two.
I will.
Behind the peas.
Oh, yeah.
You would've found them.
Tell me again.
This is whites or colors? It's striped.
I know, but in laundry terms? Stop badgering me.
- There's Lisa.
- No kidding.
And only two hours late.
He's the most irresponsible dog.
You won't believe what he put me through.
- You okay? - You okay? We were worried about you.
He's peppy.
What'd you do to him? I let him off his leash for two seconds to talk to this cute Filipino guy.
You let him off the leash? All the other dogs were.
- Didn't I mention the leash? - No.
I did.
There was a huge leash discussion.
Yes, there was.
I looked all over the park.
I thought I lost him.
- Yeah, you did lose him.
- Then I found him.
Yes, but first you lost him.
You can't find something you didn't lose.
See how that works? - Lf - It's okay now.
- The whole purpose - Okey-dokey.
- Did you take quarters? - Yes, I have quarters.
- He hates me.
- He's okay.
Sit.
You know, if he doesn't wanna like me, fine.
But I'm not gonna beg! - Do you see this? - You should've seen him.
He was so cute, I could barely speak.
Say that again.
I believe she was talking to me.
Lisa, this is not Murray.
What do you mean? No, I mean, it looks like Murray, but this isn't Murray! - Are you sure? - Yes! Murray has a white spot and vacant eyes.
This dog knows things.
- I can't believe you got the wrong dog! - I think it's a pretty good match.
- Get out of here! - Okay.
Take the dog! - And do what? - You trade him in for Murray! - I don't know where Murray is.
- Well, find him.
- Are you gonna tell Paul? - Yeah, right.
Just get going! - Hi.
- I forgot quarters.
I thought you two already went out.
That's funny.
That's what regular dogs do.
They bark when you say "out.
" - Where did that come from? - I taught him.
Good for you.
Try teaching him how to sit.
- Done.
- So where you going? We're working on this balancing-ball thing.
- They need 20 minutes.
- Two trips in one day I don't want his head to explode.
Okay, well, thanks for coming over.
Find him.
Murray, that was very impressive.
Give me a little hug.
- Paul? - What? Come here.
What? What? Was there a reason for this trip? Yeah, I just want to say I really, really I just love you.
I love you too, honey.
What's the bad news? What? - What's the bad news? - I said I love you.
No, you didn't.
You said, "I really, really.
" You took a pause, and you said, "I just love you.
" So I know that can't be good.
Baby, I'm the one who can't be good.
Excuse me? What is this? Murray, what is this? Let's dance! This is really bad news, isn't it? No, I'm just feeling kind of dancy.
Isn't that nice? Well, kind of nice, yeah.
Look at him.
Murray's dancing too.
Murray's da Hello! Thank you very much.
- Okay, he's not at any of the shelters.
- Maybe the police can help.
The police.
No, they don't care.
They're all busy with snipers.
- Not all of them.
- Well, the good ones.
It's worth a try.
Let's get a picture.
Let's face it.
Murray probably hasn't even figured out that he's lost.
I'm sure he just thinks the apartment got bigger.
Ira, it's very easy to make fun, but picture if Lisa walked you - Why would she walk me? - I'm making a comparison.
Pauly, I promise.
Murray is gonna come out of this thing okay.
- That dog is blessed.
- Blessed.
Yes, did he ever tell you about the night we found Murray? - I found Murray.
- Who gave him his turkey sandwich? - Who gave you my turkey sandwich? - Who paid for your turkey sandwich? - Whose idea was it to eat poultry? - Guys.
There's an entire heading under "Location Services, Dog.
" I need something to write on.
Thank you.
He is so smart.
So what? Murray's no genius, but he has a vibe.
I'm telling you.
I met more chicks walking that dog.
- Really? - Yeah.
Not as many as him.
- Really? - Just find a picture.
I met my wife walking Murray.
- So? - Why do you make it sound dirty? - I didn't make it sound dirty.
- Yes, you did.
- Hi, Warren.
- Here's the film Paul wanted.
That's not Murray.
Murray's lost.
Try to cheer him up.
No, no, no.
Not him.
Him.
Smile.
I'm tapped.
I got one.
I got it right here.
He looks so lost.
Look how lost.
And that's when you had him.
- I wonder who that could be.
- Maybe she found him.
I wanted to replace the brownie I ate.
Isn't that nice? You lose a dog, and you come back with cake.
I guess I got hungry.
So basically you brought me a bag? Whatever happened to, "It's the thought"? - Here's a thought - Honey, we will find him.
Now, come on! Let's go to the police station.
- Ira, you take the park.
- I'll go with him.
- No, not at night.
You could get killed.
- Yeah, but if she really wants to I'll cruise the neighborhood in my car.
Take the car.
And, Warren, you know what? You ride What's the word for that? - With her.
- Yes, but there's a special word.
- Passenger? - No, it's more official.
- Honey, come on.
- In tandem.
- No.
- Shotgun? No.
Yes, shotgun.
You ride shotgun.
I was really excited about "in tandem.
" This is the city your sister decides to lose my dog in.
Do you want to find Murray or beat up my sister? Frankly, I'd like to do both.
We have a 10-30 in progress at 9th and Bleeker.
Request backup.
please respond.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah.
- We'd like to - How long has it been gone? - Since this afternoon.
- I can't do anything for 48 hours.
Come in tomorrow.
You fill out a missing persons report.
There's a little snag.
It's not a person.
It's my dog.
A dog? Well, that we can take care of now.
That poor dog, all alone out there.
And this is such a tough town to meet people.
Don't worry.
I have an amazing gift.
- What kind of gift? - I'm a peripheral visionary.
Which would be? I can see into the future, but just way off to the side.
- How often are you right? - Occasionally.
And the other times? I'm not right.
How is that different from guessing? Look, don't mock me.
- This is so nice of you.
- Yeah, I had a dog too.
- So you know.
- I know.
Armed robbery in progress.
All units respond Sorry for the interruption.
You know, actually, it was my partner, Pete.
- So Pete had the dog? - Pete was the dog.
We met at the academy.
Let me show you a picture.
This is us at the graduation.
Look at his little tassel.
The last time anybody saw our dog, it was in the park.
Petey loved the park.
This is us at the precinct barbecue.
What's the ribbon for? We won the five-legged race.
He's a collie.
He's like a mixed breed.
- You must be very close.
- Yeah, really.
He took a bullet for me.
The mayor came to his funeral.
Ours was misplaced by my sister-in-law.
- I had a sister-in-law too.
- So you know? I know.
Murray! - Murray! - Yeah! Murray the dog! Murray the dog! If you were a lost dog, what would you be doing? Probably sniffing your leg.
- Okay, let's try something else.
- Okay, name it.
- Ira, give me a break.
- What? You don't like me anymore? It was a year and a half ago.
I was drunk at my sister's wedding.
And, frankly, I needed to punish myself.
Nice, Lis.
So you used me just like you used Murray.
I'm gonna go find Murray.
Yeah, but I used you first.
You see, that's what made Petey such a good cop.
He was a family man.
Maybe like an APB or something, or You know that his youngest daughter was in Annie.
- On Broadway? - No, dinner theater.
- But still! - Sweetie.
- It's impressive! - Got some great reviews.
Look.
You know, maybe we should see an officer who doesn't have as much personal experience.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
I guess I still got some issues.
Of course you do.
You know what? We brought a picture, if that helps.
I I think I found your dog.
It's just amazing.
One day I'm happily married, and then the next, poof! I saw it coming.
- Why didn't you say anything? - Because I wasn't sure.
I thought either Mark would leave you, or Irving Berlin would die.
- Irving Berlin did die.
- Really? Keep driving.
I'm hot.
Ira! Ira! Ira! I'm sure he's fine.
You don't know that.
He could be out there eating out of garbage cans.
He does that here.
At least it's our garbage, not some stranger's garbage.
That's the lowest thing there is, stranger garbage.
Don't use Murray's bowl.
Can't you use a different bowl? Fine.
This guy gets his own bowl.
Great.
What? We're keeping him now? Now we got two dogs? No, I don't want two dogs.
So then let's just get rid of Murray altogether.
Who's Murray? I don't even remember Murray.
I know somebody who needs a nap.
I'm just, you know I'm just saying, if I vanish one day and some guy suddenly showed up who was exactly like me but better would you keep him? How is he better? - I'm talking hypothetically.
- Would he go shopping? - I don't know.
- I just want to understand.
Okay, he's exactly like me but he doesn't leave wet towels on the bed.
- What about socks? - Socks, I'm not so sure.
- What about his mother? - Pleasant, no phone.
I'll take him.
Let's take it from your point of view.
How would you like it if I found some woman who was exactly like you but better? How is she better? What? How is who better? Well, I'm interested.
She's not better.
She's not.
No, I say She's not better.
She's different.
You know, she's whatever.
She's like you, but I don't know.
Taller.
Can I take that nap now? No.
So, what does this Amazon do? You're so cruel.
She's not an Amazon.
She's a little tall, that's all.
She's You She's It doesn't matter what she does anyway.
She's It doesn't matter what I do or what you do.
There's a quality you have.
There's a certain "youness," you know? And that's what I'm in love with.
No matter what I do? Yes.
Listen, if love depended on what you do, then I'd love this guy.
But I don't.
I love this guy.
- Because? - Because he has a basic Murrayness.
So that's why I love him, and that's why I love you.
I have a Murrayness? You do.
You really do.
You were very close to the edge there.
- But I pulled it off.
- You did.
You really did.
Let me talk to them.
- The police - Hello? they love me.
- You're kidding.
No, put them on.
It's Sergeant Panino.
A couple came in with a dog who looks just like him but dumber! Hello.
Yes.
He's right here.
I'll try.
Simon? It's Simon.
Okay, ours is Murray.
No response at all.
That's him.
Great.
Great.
They're on their way over.
You know, that girl - Is my sister.
- I know.
You know, Lisa has a Murrayness too.
- Oh, please.
- She does for me.
Then you don't understand Murrayness.
I do too.
Well, I thought you did, but I can see you don't.
- Stop that! - We found Murray.
- You did? - Yes.
- Oh, my God.
- Where is Ira? I don't know.
- Now you lost my cousin.
- But we found Murray.
Thank God that's over.
Do you have any food? Excuse me.
That's all you have to say? That's it? You're so funny.
How am I funny? You put this whole thing on me.
Yes, well, and I should put it on whom? Your dog! Be trained or don't be trained.
Make up your mind.
Do you see? Lis, okay.
See, you don't The whole The whole I don't I lost my whole train of thought now.
- I was - You were about to forgive me.
No, I wasn't, because every time I forgive you you do something stupid.
Look, she puts That's really nice.
I look for your dumb dog and this is what I get? - You lost my dumb dog! - Give her a break.
I am.
I'm not mentioning the VCR she broke or the $600 you owe us or the scratched-up Danny Kaye albums.
And I appreciate it.
- You can't appreciate it.
- Paul.
Stop protecting her.
She's my family too, and I can yell at her.
- Really? - Lf you'd use your brain once in a while you know, you might like it.
- You think of me as family? - What? Yes.
Of course I think of you as family.
- That's so sweet.
- What? Don't I'm yelling at you.
If you get mushy, it defeats the whole purpose.
No, don't do that now.
Don't She doesn't even know how to get yelled at.
- Thank you.
- Fine.
All right.
Good.
That's how you ring a doorbell.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Murray.
Did we miss you, buddy boy.
- We're the Buchmans.
- We're the Beckners.
- I'm Paul.
- Saul.
- Janey.
- Jamie.
Murray, sit.
Murray, sit.
- It's all in the tone.
- Yeah, well, I'll have to remember that.
Come in, please.
So where's Simon? I'll get him.
Let's put Murray in the bedroom.
Meeting Simon, he doesn't need that.
Murray, boudoir.
- He's got quite an ear for languages.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Except English, he's not so good.
- English, not so good.
So, what do you guys do? I teach physics at Columbia.
Neurosurgeon.
So you both have little jobs.
That's good.
That's good.
- That's a beautiful jacket.
- Thanks.
Saul picked it out for me.
He loves to shop.
- Really? - Hey, here's our Simon.
Hey, Simon.
You guys must have been jumping out of your skin.
Well, I have to admit, at first, we were a bit dysphoric.
But you know who really held us together was Janey's sister.
The woman is a rock.
Really? Her sister's a rock.
Did you hear that? - Well, honey, we're gonna be late.
- Yeah.
Simon, go get the elevator.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Nice to meet you.
- Bye now.
- Bye-bye.
Get out of my house.
Honey, dysphoric? I'm gonna look it up right now.
- Honey, I'm glad he's home too, but - Come on, just this once.
Murray, get off the bed.
Good boy.