Mandy (2019) s02e01 Episode Script
We Wish You A Mandy Christmas
1
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came
and you gave without taking
But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy! ♪
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
Back again, Mandy?Yeah.
Why did you leave the job
at the frozen-fish factory?
One of the other women who worked
there looked like Rose West.
Gave me the right shivers.
Was it Rose West?No.
They said her name
was Margaret Dodd.
But she really
looked like Rose West.
She had the glasses and everything.
Could have been a professional
Lookie-likie, you know,
open supermarkets and that.
Open supermarkets? As Rose West?
I'm not convinced
it weren't Rose West.
Every time I saw her it gave me
a shock. It were doing me nerves in.
First time I saw her,
I was rooted to the spot
and held on to a breaded cod
so long it froze to me hand.
They joked that I had
fish fingers, but
..I didn't think
that were very funny.
Not when you think what she's
meant to have done. Yeah.
Well, look, it wouldn't be the
first time you've left a job
for unusual reasons, would it?
I don't know what you mean.
Last month you gave up
a job at the Co-op
because you thought you saw
an alien in the meat aisle.
It were an alien! According to
the manager, it was a lollipop man.
That's what they want you to think.
They're moving amongst us.
I loved that job at the Co-op.
At the end of the day
you could take home
all the cheese they hadn't sold.
As you're aware, Mandy, that wasn't
actually the policy of the store.
So they're still waiting
for you to reimburse them
for the £79 worth of Edam.
Before that,
you left a job in telesales
because of the "pressures
of the commute".
It were gruelling, all that travel!
Mandy, you were working from home.
I had to get downstairs, didn't I?
There's only so many jobs
you can leave for weird reasons
before I'm forced to conclude
that you just don't like working,
and I'll have to stop your benefits.
Look, you've got a chance
to prove me wrong.
This has just come in.
A job at Brampton Hall,
the stately home.
Mandy.What? It's a job
at Brampton Hall, the stately home.
Brampton Hall, that's miles away.
I'll never
Is it working in the gift shop?
I'd like to work in a gift shop.
All those key rings and fridge
magnets. Small bags of fudge.
Rubbers. They will explain it
to you when you get there!
I know them a bit,
so I let them know that
you're going to start tomorrow.
But, look, Mandy, I really
don't want to see you back here
in a couple of days' time
with another mad excuse
as to why you had to
give up the job.
Otherwise, I will have to take
official action. Is that understood?
Comprende.
SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY
OMINOUS MUSIC
Oh! Christ alive!
You're late.
You just have time to get into
your costume.Costume?
It is 1887, and I'm the scullery
maid here at Brampton Hall.
My jobs include lighting
the fires in the morning
and polishing the horse brasses.
Please come with me now as I guide
you through an ordinary day
here at Brampton Hall.
Excuse me.
Are these beams original?
Beans? Beams. The beams.
Oh, is that what they're called?
I just thought they were big logs.
What was your question?
Don't worry about it.
Right, if you'd like to follow me.
Through there's another old room.
And this is the dining room.
I have to light the fire here
at 5:30 every morning to make
sure it's warm for my master.
Erm, hello. Who's the portrait of?
Erm, that is the Duke of
..Dagenham.
Who's the Duke of Dagen..?
If you'd like to follow me.
Erm, excuse me.Oh, what now?!
I was just wondering what period
the furniture in the house
dates back from - is it Regency?
Because, I mean, the fireplace
is clearly earlier
Look, the fireplace is from 1398.
The curtains are from 1864,
and the ornaments are from 1972.
That can't be right
This is the room where
John the Baptist was killed.
CROWD: Ooh.
And the Krays hid
in this closet here.
Can you tell us
anything more about the Krays?
Yeah. Yeah.
Erm, Ronnie and Reggie Kray
used to love coming here,
until they were sadly killed
one night in the drawing room
for stealing an ashtray that
belonged to Michael Heseltine.
Is it haunted?Haunted?
I shit myself most days
with the stuff I see.
Like what?See him?
He follows me around.
What does he want?Fuck knows.
Probably wants to get me
out of his house.
Can you tell us anything else?
Er, might do.
What's it worth?
Yeah. Erm, some days
I see orbs floating about.
And when I see these,
I know shit's about to go down.
Really?Yeah.
I get dragged out of the scullery
by my ankles, screaming.
Then why do you carry on working
here?Just love it here, you know.
Love history and stuff.
SNAPPING
Do you want to go through?
Oh! Fuck me,
where'd you come from?
Ms Carter, here at Brampton Hall,
we expect a certain level
of professionalism from our guides.
Oh yeah, I'm really sorry.
I'll be on time tomorrow.
I'm afraid you won't
be back tomorrow.
I understand you've been
soliciting tips by making up
stories about the Krays.No.
I don't know who told you that.
Oh, please don't send me
back to the Jobcentre.
This is the best job I've ever had!
I'll give you one last chance.
But perhaps you would like
to show your commitment
by doing some overtime this evening.
Yeah. Yeah, what is it?
What, like a late-night tour
or something?
We host a variety of events
here at the hall.
One of them
is a book launch this evening.
We need someone
to hand around the nibbles.
Nibbles? Yes, please!
Prosecco o'clock!
SHE LAUGHS
Hiya, Lola.
You couldn't pick me up tonight
from Brampton Hall at nine o'clock,
could you? I've got to do overtime.
But of course, Mandy! What are
friends for?Oh, thanks, Lola.
I don't know what I'd do
without you.
Because we are such good friends,
Mandy, I will only charge you
the same as UberCool.
Plus 50%.
But you can sit in the front.
Thanks, Lola. See you later.
PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
A woman comes.
She travels slowly.
She carries nibbles.
And other snacks.
She brings confusion.
And death!
MUFFLED VOICES CHAN
Must be down here.
CHANTING CONTINUES
Do you want a vol-au-vent? No!
CHANTING CONTINUES
Vol-au-vent? No.
Do you want one?
Got vegetarian options. That one's
beef. That one's salmon Shhh!
All right, please yourself!
Nibbles? Oh. What've you got?
Er, that one's beef, that one's
salmon, and that one's mushroom.
Nah. You haven't got
any crisps, have you?
I've got some cheesy footballs in
my boot, if you want some of those.
Oh yeah, lovely. Yeah.
What is going on?!
You! Who are you?
Mandy Carter.
Been hired to do the nibbles.
Oh.
Well, please do so and leave.
Now, can we please concentrate?
CHANTING CONTINUES
RUSTLING
Who's eating?
Oh, my God. Someone is eating!
Who is that?
Stop it.
CHANTING RESUMES
WHIRRING
Oh, Geez Louise! I thought
I told you to leave!
I'm here till nine o'clock.
How did you get here?
Not sure, actually.
Wait
Book of Revelations,
Chapter 2, Verse 16.
"And lo, the devil's messenger
will tread forth
"bearing plates of temptation."
YOU are the chosen one!
We have waited many years
for your arrival.
I was here bang on seven!
Behold! The chosen one!
ALL: Behold, the chosen one!
Now
..prepare for sacrifice!
HE LAUGHS
Fuck me!
For a thousand years, we have
waited for a suitable sacrifice.
The victim must come
of their own free will.
They must be empty of head
and they must be of virgin blood.
We're actually going to overlook
that last one,
because it's been a total
nightmare finding someone
who ticks all the boxes.
But, at last,
a victim has come to us.
I think you might have mistaken me
for somebody else!
METALLIC SWOOSH
Oh, God!
OMINOUS MUSIC
Oh!
Lola! Thank God!
What the devil is going on in here?
You should all be
ashamed of yourselves.
Do you know what time it is?
Playing silly games
when you should be at home!
You! What are you playing at?
My My badminton got cancelled.
So I had a free evening
So you come here, terrorising women?
You make me sick!
Get out of here!
Hnnn!
You! Where do you
think you're going?
Er, I've got a stock-take
in t'morning.
I should probably push off, too.
I've got an Ocado delivery.
It's cheaper if you
get it delivered after nine.
What in God's name?
Put on some clothes,
you dirty beasts!
I suppose you're the ringleader?
Johnny Big Bollocks.
I have had only one
mission in this life.
To worship Satan, and summon him
to our earthly plane!
This was my last chance.
There's nothing for me here now.
I seek to join my beloved Satan
in the heat of the underworld!
Arrrghhhh
Oh, no, don't do
Fake! Where did you get this?
Amazon? No, actually.
I like to support independent
retailers. Hnn! Come on.
Let's get out of here.
Actually No point these
going to waste, is there?
HE SIGHS
So close!
So, Mandy, back again?
What happened this time?
You are not going to believe this.
I had to get out of Brampton Hall.
They were all devil worshippers!
Into human sacrifice.
They had me tied to an altar!
I'm thinking of going to the local
papers about it, actually. Mandy
Mandy, just let me stop you there.
Ermyour stories get more and more
ridiculous. But this new one.
Devil worshippers?
Listen, if you tell anyone
about this, they'll assume
that you're just making this up
to get out of the job, OK?
So promise me you'll never,
ever mention this again.
We'll just say that the hours
weren't right for you
or something, OK?All right.
Right. Well, er, look.
Why don't you just come back
next week and we'll try
and find you something else?
But, please, no more
of these crazy stories,
or I'm going to have to stop
your benefits.All right!
Hi, Dean.
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came
and you gave without taking
But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy! ♪
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
Back again, Mandy?Yeah.
Why did you leave the job
at the frozen-fish factory?
One of the other women who worked
there looked like Rose West.
Gave me the right shivers.
Was it Rose West?No.
They said her name
was Margaret Dodd.
But she really
looked like Rose West.
She had the glasses and everything.
Could have been a professional
Lookie-likie, you know,
open supermarkets and that.
Open supermarkets? As Rose West?
I'm not convinced
it weren't Rose West.
Every time I saw her it gave me
a shock. It were doing me nerves in.
First time I saw her,
I was rooted to the spot
and held on to a breaded cod
so long it froze to me hand.
They joked that I had
fish fingers, but
..I didn't think
that were very funny.
Not when you think what she's
meant to have done. Yeah.
Well, look, it wouldn't be the
first time you've left a job
for unusual reasons, would it?
I don't know what you mean.
Last month you gave up
a job at the Co-op
because you thought you saw
an alien in the meat aisle.
It were an alien! According to
the manager, it was a lollipop man.
That's what they want you to think.
They're moving amongst us.
I loved that job at the Co-op.
At the end of the day
you could take home
all the cheese they hadn't sold.
As you're aware, Mandy, that wasn't
actually the policy of the store.
So they're still waiting
for you to reimburse them
for the £79 worth of Edam.
Before that,
you left a job in telesales
because of the "pressures
of the commute".
It were gruelling, all that travel!
Mandy, you were working from home.
I had to get downstairs, didn't I?
There's only so many jobs
you can leave for weird reasons
before I'm forced to conclude
that you just don't like working,
and I'll have to stop your benefits.
Look, you've got a chance
to prove me wrong.
This has just come in.
A job at Brampton Hall,
the stately home.
Mandy.What? It's a job
at Brampton Hall, the stately home.
Brampton Hall, that's miles away.
I'll never
Is it working in the gift shop?
I'd like to work in a gift shop.
All those key rings and fridge
magnets. Small bags of fudge.
Rubbers. They will explain it
to you when you get there!
I know them a bit,
so I let them know that
you're going to start tomorrow.
But, look, Mandy, I really
don't want to see you back here
in a couple of days' time
with another mad excuse
as to why you had to
give up the job.
Otherwise, I will have to take
official action. Is that understood?
Comprende.
SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY
OMINOUS MUSIC
Oh! Christ alive!
You're late.
You just have time to get into
your costume.Costume?
It is 1887, and I'm the scullery
maid here at Brampton Hall.
My jobs include lighting
the fires in the morning
and polishing the horse brasses.
Please come with me now as I guide
you through an ordinary day
here at Brampton Hall.
Excuse me.
Are these beams original?
Beans? Beams. The beams.
Oh, is that what they're called?
I just thought they were big logs.
What was your question?
Don't worry about it.
Right, if you'd like to follow me.
Through there's another old room.
And this is the dining room.
I have to light the fire here
at 5:30 every morning to make
sure it's warm for my master.
Erm, hello. Who's the portrait of?
Erm, that is the Duke of
..Dagenham.
Who's the Duke of Dagen..?
If you'd like to follow me.
Erm, excuse me.Oh, what now?!
I was just wondering what period
the furniture in the house
dates back from - is it Regency?
Because, I mean, the fireplace
is clearly earlier
Look, the fireplace is from 1398.
The curtains are from 1864,
and the ornaments are from 1972.
That can't be right
This is the room where
John the Baptist was killed.
CROWD: Ooh.
And the Krays hid
in this closet here.
Can you tell us
anything more about the Krays?
Yeah. Yeah.
Erm, Ronnie and Reggie Kray
used to love coming here,
until they were sadly killed
one night in the drawing room
for stealing an ashtray that
belonged to Michael Heseltine.
Is it haunted?Haunted?
I shit myself most days
with the stuff I see.
Like what?See him?
He follows me around.
What does he want?Fuck knows.
Probably wants to get me
out of his house.
Can you tell us anything else?
Er, might do.
What's it worth?
Yeah. Erm, some days
I see orbs floating about.
And when I see these,
I know shit's about to go down.
Really?Yeah.
I get dragged out of the scullery
by my ankles, screaming.
Then why do you carry on working
here?Just love it here, you know.
Love history and stuff.
SNAPPING
Do you want to go through?
Oh! Fuck me,
where'd you come from?
Ms Carter, here at Brampton Hall,
we expect a certain level
of professionalism from our guides.
Oh yeah, I'm really sorry.
I'll be on time tomorrow.
I'm afraid you won't
be back tomorrow.
I understand you've been
soliciting tips by making up
stories about the Krays.No.
I don't know who told you that.
Oh, please don't send me
back to the Jobcentre.
This is the best job I've ever had!
I'll give you one last chance.
But perhaps you would like
to show your commitment
by doing some overtime this evening.
Yeah. Yeah, what is it?
What, like a late-night tour
or something?
We host a variety of events
here at the hall.
One of them
is a book launch this evening.
We need someone
to hand around the nibbles.
Nibbles? Yes, please!
Prosecco o'clock!
SHE LAUGHS
Hiya, Lola.
You couldn't pick me up tonight
from Brampton Hall at nine o'clock,
could you? I've got to do overtime.
But of course, Mandy! What are
friends for?Oh, thanks, Lola.
I don't know what I'd do
without you.
Because we are such good friends,
Mandy, I will only charge you
the same as UberCool.
Plus 50%.
But you can sit in the front.
Thanks, Lola. See you later.
PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
A woman comes.
She travels slowly.
She carries nibbles.
And other snacks.
She brings confusion.
And death!
MUFFLED VOICES CHAN
Must be down here.
CHANTING CONTINUES
Do you want a vol-au-vent? No!
CHANTING CONTINUES
Vol-au-vent? No.
Do you want one?
Got vegetarian options. That one's
beef. That one's salmon Shhh!
All right, please yourself!
Nibbles? Oh. What've you got?
Er, that one's beef, that one's
salmon, and that one's mushroom.
Nah. You haven't got
any crisps, have you?
I've got some cheesy footballs in
my boot, if you want some of those.
Oh yeah, lovely. Yeah.
What is going on?!
You! Who are you?
Mandy Carter.
Been hired to do the nibbles.
Oh.
Well, please do so and leave.
Now, can we please concentrate?
CHANTING CONTINUES
RUSTLING
Who's eating?
Oh, my God. Someone is eating!
Who is that?
Stop it.
CHANTING RESUMES
WHIRRING
Oh, Geez Louise! I thought
I told you to leave!
I'm here till nine o'clock.
How did you get here?
Not sure, actually.
Wait
Book of Revelations,
Chapter 2, Verse 16.
"And lo, the devil's messenger
will tread forth
"bearing plates of temptation."
YOU are the chosen one!
We have waited many years
for your arrival.
I was here bang on seven!
Behold! The chosen one!
ALL: Behold, the chosen one!
Now
..prepare for sacrifice!
HE LAUGHS
Fuck me!
For a thousand years, we have
waited for a suitable sacrifice.
The victim must come
of their own free will.
They must be empty of head
and they must be of virgin blood.
We're actually going to overlook
that last one,
because it's been a total
nightmare finding someone
who ticks all the boxes.
But, at last,
a victim has come to us.
I think you might have mistaken me
for somebody else!
METALLIC SWOOSH
Oh, God!
OMINOUS MUSIC
Oh!
Lola! Thank God!
What the devil is going on in here?
You should all be
ashamed of yourselves.
Do you know what time it is?
Playing silly games
when you should be at home!
You! What are you playing at?
My My badminton got cancelled.
So I had a free evening
So you come here, terrorising women?
You make me sick!
Get out of here!
Hnnn!
You! Where do you
think you're going?
Er, I've got a stock-take
in t'morning.
I should probably push off, too.
I've got an Ocado delivery.
It's cheaper if you
get it delivered after nine.
What in God's name?
Put on some clothes,
you dirty beasts!
I suppose you're the ringleader?
Johnny Big Bollocks.
I have had only one
mission in this life.
To worship Satan, and summon him
to our earthly plane!
This was my last chance.
There's nothing for me here now.
I seek to join my beloved Satan
in the heat of the underworld!
Arrrghhhh
Oh, no, don't do
Fake! Where did you get this?
Amazon? No, actually.
I like to support independent
retailers. Hnn! Come on.
Let's get out of here.
Actually No point these
going to waste, is there?
HE SIGHS
So close!
So, Mandy, back again?
What happened this time?
You are not going to believe this.
I had to get out of Brampton Hall.
They were all devil worshippers!
Into human sacrifice.
They had me tied to an altar!
I'm thinking of going to the local
papers about it, actually. Mandy
Mandy, just let me stop you there.
Ermyour stories get more and more
ridiculous. But this new one.
Devil worshippers?
Listen, if you tell anyone
about this, they'll assume
that you're just making this up
to get out of the job, OK?
So promise me you'll never,
ever mention this again.
We'll just say that the hours
weren't right for you
or something, OK?All right.
Right. Well, er, look.
Why don't you just come back
next week and we'll try
and find you something else?
But, please, no more
of these crazy stories,
or I'm going to have to stop
your benefits.All right!
Hi, Dean.