Married (2014) s02e01 Episode Script

Whoa.
Where are you going dressed like that? To meet some friends.
Is one of those friends a Japanese businessman? I think what Daddy means is your outfit sends the wrong message.
- Yeah, you're dressed like a slut.
- Mom! Russ, don't say "slut," okay? What? When you really mean "escort.
" - You know, she's high end.
- Oh.
Oh.
So, like, the type that gets her gym membership and cell phone paid for? Maybe even tuition for night school.
S02E01 Thanksgiving Ah, this is nice.
When was the last time the three of us hung out like this, huh? Well, you don't drink anymore.
Well, I don't need booze to enjoy your insecurity.
Thank you? Wow.
What do you say we get the kids together this weekend? Uh, can't this weekend.
We're going to see Lena's mom.
How's Janice doing? Eh, she's starting to get a little confused.
Well, I'll tell you what it's only a matter of time till Shep loses his marbles.
- He's not that old.
- Exactly.
Shep's got way more brain cells than AJ does.
Totally.
Whatever.
Are you guys Shep's friends or my friends? Geez.
We didn't know that we needed to make a choice.
What's going on? Every time we walk into a preschool, I know what these bitches are thinking.
Oh, successful man, dumb trophy wife.
That's ridiculous.
Yeah, you're a smart trophy wife.
Well Yeah, I mean, if there were a Miss Trophy Wife, you would definitely win the intelligence portion.
Thank you.
Where, uh, where are you guys applying anyway? - Hillside.
- Hillside?! - Yeah.
- That's where my kid went.
We love it there.
You should drop my name.
Yeah, I would.
It's just that I would actually like to get in.
What is that supposed to mean? Nothing.
- Trust me.
- You should be trusting a napkin.
Wow.
This place is awesome.
It's really remote.
I don't know why he keeps moving her around.
It's not gonna help her confusion.
- Don't start.
- Start what? Picking on Ed.
I'm not picking on the new husband.
They've been married as long as we have, okay? You should start calling him Ed.
Ed.
Ed.
Ed.
Ed I-I don't know.
New husband's just easier to remember.
Ugh, this place is beautiful.
I'd like to retire in a place like this someday.
Retirement's just for men.
No, it's not women retire.
I mean, they used to, but then some asshole invented Viagra, and now it's never over.
Well, I don't want it to be over.
I know, sweetie.
I know.
Hi! Oh, my God! Give me a hug.
Hey there.
Mom, hi.
Oh.
Oh, I missed you.
Oh, my God, it smells so good in here.
Are you cooking? - We're going out for dinner tonight.
- Oh, very funny.
What restaurant is open Thanksgiving? Chinese? Don't be silly.
But, Mom, it's not, um Cold enough to be Thanksgiving, I know.
This weather's crazy, isn't it? You know me, I love the holidays.
Listen, when I told her you were coming today, she got confused.
She thought it was Thanksgiving.
Did you tell her it wasn't? I did just made her angry.
Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do? I think we enjoy the holiday.
Turkey smells great, Janice.
And this is Mrs.
Sawyer's classroom.
Oh, Mrs.
Sawyer.
Harrison's gonna love it here.
He's three; he'll love it anywhere they have juice.
Can you just So does Harrison have any siblings? Uh, I-I have a 15-year-old son.
- Yeah.
- Yes, but I'm the first wife.
I'm the only wife.
And I went to Cornell.
- Mmm she - So, you know - doesn't need to know - I'm not dumb.
Okay.
Ha Did I mention that Harrison can already count to trece en espanol? That's amazing.
Uh, what's amazing is our nanny's actually Polish.
So we're very proud.
Listen, every child is right for Hillside, but not every parent is right for Hillside.
Okay, that takes care of that.
- Mmm.
- Look.
There's an open house here tonight.
It's a chance to meet parents, alums, make some connections.
Yeah, we'll be there.
- Great.
- Great.
Because we really do care about our little community here.
You don't know anyone in the Hillside family, do you? Not a soul.
I thought you said AJ's kid went here.
Yeah.
I know what I'm doing.
- Okay, I'll just shut up.
- Okay.
I'm the one who already raised a kid, but why should that matter? - I'll just shut up.
- Yeah, do so.
I knew she was starting to forget stuff, - but, like, she was still my mom.
- Uh-huh.
Now, every time I see her, she's just gonna be less and less herself.
I'm sorry.
It sucks.
Goddamn it.
I just finished changing all the kids' diapers, and now I'll change my mom's? I know.
It's the diaper sandwich.
My diaper sandwich was this thin.
Diaper Panini? Look, at least we have Ed, right? - I mean, he'll get in there.
- Will he? How well do we really know this guy? Oh, my God.
14 years well.
Maybe my mom should come and live with us.
I mean, I don't I don't know.
- Yeah, right? - I don't think so.
I mean, why not? I think she'd be so confused there.
And I feel like Ed has everything under control here.
We're about to have Thanksgiving in September.
Nothing is under control.
- I'll talk to Ed, okay? - You will? And make sure everything is okay.
Hey, so just curious about Janice.
- Uh, Lina's pretty worried about her.
- Yeah.
Yeah, she's getting real dingy, but she still has her good days.
Right.
Yeah, no.
We were just kind of wondering what the long-term plan was, you know, for when things get a little harder for you to deal with.
Sunset Ranch has a memory unit.
Doctors 24/7, physical therapy.
One of the main reasons I brought her here.
Oh, so she'll be staying here? - Oh, definitely.
- Oh, that's great.
This place is top flight, baby.
Top flight.
Great doctors, great everything.
Russ, my boy.
Really? - Wow.
- Wear it with pride.
I will.
Thank you.
I feel honored.
Over here, you got your fitness center, weight room, pool And everything is included? - Everything.
- Wow.
I wouldn't mind retiring to a place like this.
They cook for you, clean, garden.
That's incredible.
Uh oh, are you sure? It's noon.
It's retirement.
Okay.
You know, I never saw myself ending up in a place like this.
I'm not exactly your retirement community type of guy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Check this out.
No way.
You serious? Can't say no to that, can you? Wow.
No.
That sold it right there.
Artillio is our hidden gem.
He does plumbing, electrical, drives to the all-night pharmacy.
Whatever you need, he'll take care of it.
- For you, senor.
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Huh? Retirement is awesome.
Yeah.
No, I don't think he needs tutoring.
Well, Russ and Lina's girls all had bigger vocabularies when they were his age.
- Yeah, 'cause they're girls.
- So? Boys don't talk as much, because they know there's no point.
Oh.
Oh.
Hey.
You didn't drop my name.
Oh, great.
Well, how does he know this already? Well, don't freak out.
You didn't drop my name.
- What? - At Hillside.
I told you to drop my name, and you didn't drop it.
You know, actually, I'm pretty sure we dropped it.
You're pretty sure? Yeah.
I think I dropped it.
You think you dropped it? Uh-huh.
Did she drop it or not? - We didn't drop.
- Come on.
I'm sorry.
Look, we really want to get into Hillside, and we don't want any of your issues - getting in the way, okay? - My issues? What issues are you talking about exactly? Drugs, alcohol, sex addiction, uh, amnesia, public defecation.
I forgot where the bathroom was.
Amnesia! You know what? You're right.
I have had a lot of issues.
That's all I'm saying.
I'm not even trying to make you feel bad.
I'm just saying.
You got a real point.
I-I'm a liability.
Nobody should drop my name.
The smartest thing that you could've done was pretend like you don't know me.
So you're not mad? - I get it.
- Okay.
You were just trying to do what's best for your kid.
You don't know me.
- Well, exactly, yeah.
- Yes! I wanted to drop it.
So how are you guys doing? - Your father takes good care of me.
- He's not my father.
Oh, you might have your differences, but he'll always be your father.
Mom, Ed's your second husband.
You guys got married in 2003.
I have two husbands? Dad left, remember? Yes, of course I remember.
He left with Russ to get the cranberry sauce.
Do you have anything for a migraine? Check the bathroom.
Okay.
Um What? My mom's moving in with us.
- No.
- Yes.
No.
Sweetie, this is a great place.
They have doctors here for her and-and handymen and recreation.
I mean, we should move here.
- Lube.
- Yeah, I know what that is.
- For sex.
- Yup.
My mom and Ed are still doing it.
Yeah.
They're married.
She has dementia! Well, that's why she's at the Sunset Ranch.
I mean, this is a great facility.
She doesn't remember my dad leaving her.
That's great.
Russ, she thinks that Ed is my dad.
She doesn't know who she's having sex with.
Well in sickness and in health, right? What are you talking about?! He's taking advantage of her! - Nuh-uh.
- Yes! Look, what if what if I was out of it? What if I was a vegetable? Then I'd become a vegetarian.
No.
- I am shutting this shit down.
- No, you are not.
Well, one of us is.
Just need my duffel.
Time to hit the weights.
Go with him.
No.
Go.
Hey, Ed, you mind if I, uh, join you? So, you, uh, you've been working out a lot, huh? Use it or lose it.
Yeah, although sometimes it's probably better to lose it, right? You know? No, I just I mean, there are just certain parts of our bodies that we're probably better off forgetting about, right? I don't think that's true.
No, I mean, I think it is, you know? I just think when you're older, you know, you should shouldn't, you know, maybe using certain parts of your body.
You know, maybe your, uh, y-your pelvic region and your hips the old flexors, the-the butt - What do you mean? - I'm trying to say if your partner, you know, doesn't want to use their pelvic region, um you know, just, whatever, because they're tired or they're older can't remember their name, whatever I don't know you know, for whatever reason, you should probably just match the usage, you know, of your partner? I gonna stop you now.
You're really doing a number on your back here.
It's not safe.
Step out.
Okay.
First, you got to set it for some man-sized setting on the weights.
Yeah.
Okay, you want to use your power.
Like that.
Force! You want to spread them wide.
Spread them wide.
Pound it harder! Jesus, man.
Yeah.
I used to box a little bit.
We could spar if you want.
No, I'm good.
All right, boy.
These gravy boats are yours when I go.
Don't let my sister take them.
Mom, what do you think about living with us? That's sweet.
But your father and I need our privacy.
I found the lube, Mom.
- It's over.
- What? I know you guys have been making whoopee, or whatever you want to call it.
What your father and I do in private - is none of your business.
- Mom! He's not my father! You don't even remember - his name! - Whose name? The guy you're having sex with, Mom.
Say his name.
His name is my husband! Yes.
There are things I get confused about, but who I share my bed with is not one of them.
Now, if you don't mind, I would like to enjoy the holiday with my grandchildren and my incredible husband.
Whose name is? Just what's the first name that's coming to your mind right now? Mom? So, we're a play-first institution, and we were an early adopter of the children's bill of rights.
Mm, kids need rights.
Mm.
So true, so true.
She says that all the time.
"Kids need rights.
" - Can you excuse us for a moment? - Yeah, sure, sure.
- Lovely to meet you, Gladys.
- Okay.
- Of course, yes.
You, too.
- Uh-huh.
What are you doing here? Do I know you? Okay.
AJ.
Hmm.
We don't know each other, remember? This is super weird.
Can you not mess this up for us? You said that it would be better for you to pretend that you don't know me.
Well, then I don't know you either.
Okay, this is a really intense move Oh, great.
I see you guys met AJ.
He's one of our all-star donors.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you're a donor? Big-time donor.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Interesting.
Mm-hmm.
So you guys know each other or you don't? He he's just trying to give us a hard time.
We've never met actually.
AJ.
I'm sorry, you just don't look familiar to me.
But maybe I've forgotten you.
You see, I've been having some issues lately.
Now, if you excuse me, I see a friend of mine over there.
A real friend.
Sure.
We should've dropped his name.
Okay.
Not gonna say it again.
- We should've dropped his name.
- There it is.
Is it done? Did you do the thing? No.
I tried to, but did you know that Ed was a boxer? - You think he hits her, too? - Not what I was saying.
Well, okay, she's leaving with us right now.
Okay.
No, no, no.
- I'm gonna go pack her bag, because - Hold on, hold on, stop.
I got an idea.
Lina, this is Artillio.
He is one of Sunset Ranch's hidden gems.
What do I fix? He's your idea? Yeah.
Watch this.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Now tell him about your dad's lube.
Stepdad's lube.
My real dad left us.
- Oh, so sorry.
- Would you excuse us for a second, please? Thank you.
How is he supposed to help? I don't know maybe he, you know, talks to Ed, tells him to keep it in his pants, or maybe he finds someone else for Ed to bang.
You want me to explain to a handyman that Ed is raping my shell of a mother? Artillio is assistant facilities manager.
Excuse me, Mr.
Russ.
I go fix the broken sinks in the villas.
But I come back.
Okay, great.
This guy's the best.
You're an idiot.
Hey.
AJ, please, we're sorry.
Please don't do this.
You know how important this is to us.
Really.
Please.
It's just a shame that we don't know each other anymore.
- Please.
- Come on, man.
You know what? This-this is not a joke.
It's already done.
He's in.
I took care of it.
- Harrison's in? - What do you mean? He's in? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Thank you, thank you.
Thanks.
- That means - That - Oh, thank you.
So much.
This means a lot to her.
- Hey, you're welcome.
- Yeah.
You're welcome.
- Can I just have a moment? - You're welcome.
Yeah, absolutely.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
I am sorry.
I'm sorry.
No matter how bad things got, I have always been there for my kid.
I know.
School, sports, I go to everything.
I may be a screwup, but I am not a bad parent.
That makes one of us.
You know? Shep's great at being a parent.
I don't even know if I'm cut out for it.
What? What does that mean? Maybe I'm not supposed to be a mother.
How do you do it? - Oh, are you full? - Yeah.
Me, too.
A bazillion dollars.
Can we talk for a second? Uh, yeah.
Sure.
I understand you have some concerns about me and your mom.
Well, I-I I Yeah.
- I guess I do, I - I get it.
- I'm not your father.
- Uh-uh.
And I'm not trying to be.
But you need to understand that I love Janice and I would never do anything to hurt her.
I know that.
But from my point of view I-I know, it's weird to think about me being with your mom.
Yeah, I don't See, we still connect.
And, uh, there's some days when she forgets my name.
It's okay.
She knows that I love her.
Can I help with some of these dishes? Uh, yeah.
- Oh, I can I can get it.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- No, do it in the strings, Mom.
- Mom, thank you.
That was really delicious.
It was.
Cheers.
- You still got it.
- I'm just so grateful - that we're all together.
- I could eat that whole pie and that one and this one - and that one.
- No, really? Yes! Wow.
Really great pie this time, hon.
Does Froggy like the pie? Pi is, like, 3.
14, isn't it? - Hi.
- Hi.
So sorry to bother you, but we got a call about a potential elder abuse.
Um Um Can we, uh could we do this another time? Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of Thanksgiving, so We're required to do an interview.
All our employees are mandatory reporters.
Artillio called us because you expressed concern.
Just like they tell us in seminar.
No.
That was a misunderstanding.
- Yeah.
- That was a mix-up.
- I think - Probably a language I think, yeah, sometimes it's hard to understand - Artillio.
- It was also mentioned that your father sexually assaulted your mother.
- No, no.
- Wow.
He is the stepfather.
Her real father left.
- That's - That is true, but-but I think you're misunderstanding Yeah, that's not Hey, Artillio, what's going on? - Is everything okay? - You know what, I think there's been a little confusion here, so No, no confusion.
Miss Lina say you rape you - with lube.
- That is ridiculous! My stepfather I'm sorry, I'm gonna go with "father" right now - my father wouldn't rape anybody.
- Yeah.
He's a really good man.
Yeah.
I know rapers, and this guy is not a raper.
No.
What rapist uses lube? What are you even - Lube is the opposite of rape.
- What are you talking about? Yeah, we've got a family thing going on here, okay, so could you just let us enjoy the holiday, please? There's children in there.
I don't like them even - hearing this.
- That's unbelievable.
Happy Thanksgiving to you both.
Look.
- This belonged to Ed's grandmother.
- Really? Yeah.
Wow.
He wanted to pass it on to one of our girls.
Oh, that's so nice.
He refers to them as his granddaughters.
- Well - It's sweet.
Which girl are you gonna give it to? This one.
It's real gold.
Good call.
When I'm old and out of it, I want someone like Ed to take care of me.
Aw, don't worry, babe.
I'll be riding you into the sunset.
Oh, you're so romantic.
Mommy, what's rape?