Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge (2010) s02e01 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 1
And so on and so forth.
That was our hymn of the day.
It's 10:00 a.
m.
And this is Mid Morning Matters with me, I, Alan Partridge.
And in the words of Freddy Flintstone, today's show is going to be, "Yabba-dabba-do.
" Sorry, sorry, I did Jimmy Savile there.
- Sir, Sir - Yes, no, of course, absolutely.
Sir Jimmy Savile, the disgraced knight of the realm.
And a quick correction.
Yesterday, I read out a text saying that oestrogen was a kind of gas used to blow up balloons.
Of course, it isn't.
It's a hormone used by women to Perform a number of tasks relating to Um - Themselves.
- And others.
Thank you.
Okay, time for today's large question.
Large question.
If you could invite anyone to a dinner party, who would it be? - Dead or alive? - Er, well, I'd probably go for alive.
Seriously, though, who would they be? I've got them here.
I would have Cubby Broccoli, Jasper Carrott, Mary Berry, Jack Lemmon and Mr Bean.
Just to make sure I definitely got my five a day.
Yeah, well, seriously, though, that would get things moving.
Or is that all right now? Who would you have at yours? Er, Jesus Christ, Margaret Thatcher, Denis Thatcher, Carol Thatcher.
And Um Mark Thatcher.
So, just, it would be Jesus and the Thatcher family? - Yeah.
- I have a tweet from Janey72, who Tweets to say She'd invite the You all right? She'd invite the Harlem Globetrotters and Nigel Farage.
Oh.
He'd get battered.
Corby, I'm your stepfather, and that accords me certain rights.
Yes, she's your mother but she's also my bird.
I just don't see why I should take the blame because your dad ran off.
He did.
He did.
He did.
He did.
He did.
Corby, Corby, he's not on an oil rig, he's in the Cotswolds.
Even the noise he made sounded like a siren.
How's about that? - Almost - Maybe it was a There was a part of his brain that was actually trying to warn people.
It could well be, we don't know how half the brain works.
Just a God.
Coming up, a chance to win a free CD from Jazzy Jeff and the French Prince.
- French Prince, is it? Fresh maybe? - Fresh Prince, sorry.
Well, of course, well, they're all Republicans, aren't they? If you're a Frenchman claiming to be a prince, you'd very soon end up being beheaded by a revolting peasant.
Joining me today is someone else who presumably finds peasants revolting I'm not sure about that! Well.
Fibber.
Because this weekend sees the annual North Norfolk Hunt.
- Ooh! Careful how you say that one.
- Why? It's traditionally a time of intense shouting from both sides of the hunting debate, be it the grunted chant of the balaclava or the reasoned oratory of the North Norfolk huntsmen and women.
- Oh, I see the point you're making.
- See - Yup, on the - Careful! On the advice of police, we've agreed to give the leader of the Norfolk hunt a platform to appeal for calm.
Especially after the ugly scenes last year, when I think, a lord got thumped.
Please welcome Sir Cecil Phillips.
That wasn't you was it? No, I'm not a lord.
Many, many, many thanks for having me here.
An honour and a privilege.
Now your message to the protestors is quite simple, isn't it? It is, yes.
Um Well Simply, it's, "Look.
You've had your say "but this is private property, "so, on your way.
" Well, no.
Whilst we don't share the views of the anti-hunt lobby, we do respect their right to disagree with what Yes, yes.
The right to be heard, sure, sure, sure, sure.
But, but, if they cross the line, there are a thousand Countryside Alliance boys ready to go.
Well, the Countryside Alliance is really a lobbying organisation.
And how! It's what the National Trust would be if it grew a pair.
No.
The point that I'd really like to get across is that If you try to sabotage the safe passage of the hunt, you're endangering yourselves, you're endangering us, and you're endangering horses.
Horses.
Clever.
Horses are animals.
Snookered.
Well, maybe they should play snooker.
No one gets hurt in snooker.
What? Have you seen Minder? Minder was a television programme many years ago where a rather vulgar chap from ITV, would gallivant around London resolving petty monetary differences with people, often at the fat end of a snooker cue.
They're not allowed to show it any more.
Um Another Um ITV, by the way, is the channel that used to show the commercial You don't need to know about that.
I like that one with the silencer.
Would you like to go and buy an air rifle this weekend? Can I? Yes, you could go shooting squirrels with the boys.
- Do you think they'd like air rifles? - Definitely.
Of course.
They're from a broken home! Also, of course, the protestors, what they very rarely point out is the welfare of the beagles.
Some of the abuse these dogs are subject to by these so-called law-abiding protestors.
Bad dog.
Bad dog! Bad Dog.
I mean, that's got to affect their self-esteem.
Well, do dogs have self-esteem? Yeah, Sir Cecil, do dogs have self-esteem? Well, you know, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
They're very well-trained, highly-intelligent dogs.
Which is presumably why you use them.
You're not going to get very far with a poodle or a - A corgi.
- Exactly! - You wouldn't get very far.
- I'd like to see a corgi face to face with a fox.
It'd absolutely shit itself.
Pathetic.
Well, God willing, this year you'll be left alone to rid your land of what I hear are pretty nasty animals.
And the foxes aren't great either! Ah, yes! No, come on.
You can't begrudge someone a peaceful protest.
I think he's talking about these types, two to a sleeping bag.
- Placards.
- Hanging from trees.
- Placards with no official font.
- Exactly, they're just mess - Squished in.
- The letters are all bunched up, the kerning's wrong.
I'd like to see them run a business! Wouldn't last, presumably you Unless, is it inherited? - It's inherited.
- Even better.
I once inherited a clock.
Beats buying them! Well, what I would say is it's a very traditional pursuit.
And it's with a very, very welcoming atmosphere.
So anyone's welcome? Well, you know, within reason.
We don't want to welcome any old Tom, Dick and Harry.
Absolutely.
Although, Tom, Dick and Harry, of course, are very popular names amongst hunts folk.
We have lots of names.
You can't welcome every Carl, Lee and Barry.
I think that's the point, isn't it? You don't want to mix too much with the - I don't suppose you know many Lees? - We have a Leopold.
Yeah, you shouldn't have said that.
Okay.
Time for some middle of the road music.
She's got diamonds and a nice big bum.
It's Jennifer Lopez.
We're talking dream dinner party guests.
Line 4.
Nathaniel.
I'd have a banquet at Hampton Court Palace with Alexander the Great, Ronald Reagan, Winston Churchill, Noel Edmonds, Mozart, the Krankies A lot of people.
Attila the Hun and James Dean.
Then I'd blow up the building and wipe them out.
Why would you want to kill people when most of them are already dead? Well, Noel Edmonds isn't.
He's still very much at large.
Right, so the other guests are merely bait for Edmonds.
Precisely, yeah.
But you'd be destroying a national monument.
Well, I've thought of other venues, but I need to be absolutely sure that Edmonds will attend.
My research tells me that if it's hosted at Hampton Court Palace, then he'll definitely come.
Sorry, why are the Krankies there? I plan to strap the explosives to Janette Krankie as he'd be unlikely to search her.
Right, yeah, no, in the current climate.
- It's Operation Yewtree - Yeah.
He'd be assaulting both a woman and a minor.
Yeah, yeah.
Excellent.
I like it, it's a clean kill.
Do call again, Nathaniel.
Line 3.
Jez.
Who's coming to dinner? - I don't give a toss about dinner.
- Has he already eaten? That guy kills foxes and you didn't challenge him on a single thing he said.
- It was totally one-sided.
- Okay.
If you want me to Photoshop your face on to the picture of a fat woman's body and tell people that that's what you look like under your clothes, you're going about it the right way, sunshine.
Well, obviously, I don't want that so Are you quiet 'cause you're angry? - Is he quiet 'cause he's angry? - He's gone, he's gone.
Fine.
You're listening to Alan Partridge.
Alan's balanced debate, it's genuinely balanced.
Bam! Excellent.
And we're back with Cecil Phillips of the North Norfolk - Hello.
- Hello.
And joined in the interests of impartiality on my left by none other than, Simon Denton.
Simon, I believe your girlfriend is a vegetarian.
- Yes.
Right.
- Great.
Well, Simon will be replacing his jester hat with a protestor hat, which often, frequently, are jester hats.
Simon Denton, you oppose fox hunting.
Why? I just think it's cruel to the foxes.
Cecil Philips.
You and your mates just go around beating up wildlife for kicks.
No, no.
Well, foxes, foxes, foxes can be pretty unpleasant.
I think we have a very romanticised idea of foxes.
If you'd ever been in a chicken coop after a fox attack Absolutely, yes.
Simon Denton, foxes, they're thieving bastards.
If a fox was a human being, it'd be David Starkey.
A real git of a guy.
They always talk about the inside of chicken coop, but foxes are animals, at the end of the day.
They're not evil, they're just looking for food.
Philip, do you portray these little red dogs - No.
They're not dogs.
- Little red dogs They're just trying to put a chicken dinner on the table - for the cubs.
- Chickens are a farmer's livelihood.
Precisely.
Simon Denton? He's saying foxes are screwing the farmers and, meanwhile, they're being defended by soap-dodging, meat-dodging, job dodgers.
No.
I did not say that.
No.
He didn't say that, he's saying, "Whoa, you're putting words in my mouth big time.
Back off.
" No, no.
I'm saying fox numbers need to be controlled.
Answer him.
I just think there's an arrogance about it all.
Yeah, so Cecil.
He looks at you guys in your red tunics and your tight white tights.
- Jodhpurs.
- And he thinks you just look like - bloody pillocks.
- Look, I won't deny that our pageantry we take seriously.
But you can't just turn up in jeans.
- That's a good point.
- It's not some teenage pursuit like Laser Quest.
Yeah.
You can't just turn up Well, hang on a second.
Laser Quest is not a teenage pursuit.
I quest with a Round Tabler who served in Northern Ireland.
Sometimes he gets flashbacks, I have to talk him down over a milkshake.
- It's different.
- Lf society ever breaks down, you may well regret not having been to Laser Quest because the people who can't stand you go a lot.
I'm sure we'll cope.
Well, I think you'd be overrun by sheer weight of numbers.
Exactly.
If the working classes all rise up as one then you are done for, mate.
- Are you a communist? - We have horses.
Horses, I'm sorry, in an inner city warzone, will be all but useless.
They'll end up roasting on a spit in the middle of the precinct.
Yeah, in some sort of post-apocalyptic vision of hell.
- Where the hunter becomes the hunted.
- You can run but you can't hide.
Sure, you'd ditch your red tunic and don a hoody, and you blend in for a while But then some local grabs you and says, "All right, mate".
Yes.
And you say, "Yeah, spiffing.
" Oh"Wag'waan?" But the game's up.
By nightfall, you and Leopold are swinging from a lamppost, your bugle stuck up your backside.
So, the last gases escaping from your body make a bleakly comic noise.
And I'm afraid that's all we've got time for.
But encouraging to know that within that you've at least found some common ground.
Cecil, your dream dinner party guests? Hmm? RADIO ANNOUNCER Traffic and Travel, sponsored by Castrol.
T and T.
On the A17, a truck has overturned, shedding its load of Pampers over both carriageways.
Sounds like the set up to a joke, doesn't it? The police don't yet know which skid marks Just to stop you, there has been a fatality.
North Norfolk Digital.
Later on we'll be talking about corner shop fizzy drinks and asking what part of "multipack, not to be sold separately" don't they understand? And talking of fizz.
I've got to give a big shout out to our new MD, Craig Felbridge, who this morning was absolutely fizzing with ideas.
He was like a one man SodaStream.
- Honestly, I felt so - Carbonated.
Exactly.
My head was just going pip pop, pip pop, pip pop, pip.
Pip.
Pop.
He's going crazy.
Yeah, you get the picture.
- But what a speaker.
- Brilliant.
20% Steve Jobs, 10% Jesus, 50% Peter Sissons, a splash of Gandhi, don't need to measure that.
If you were a quarter of the man he is, you'd be twice the man you are, and that still makes you an eighth of a very impressive man.
And that's not my opinion, that's fractions.
- Thank you, fractions.
- Okay.
Time for some music.
This band are the words I said to my girlfriend last week on her birthday.
"UB40.
" Four.
I've never seen you like this.
I thought it was because petrol prices had gone down.
- Have they? - No.
Oh.
Anyway, this guy Craig is one sod of a good MD.
He wants new ideas.
He said everyone's opinion is valid.
- Right.
- I think I've written it down somewhere.
Saw it somewhere Is that it? Yep, there.
He said everyone's opinions are valid, even the bin man's.
Although that may have been a joke.
Craig, it's Alan.
I know you're busy, I'm going to talk very fast.
Just wanted to say, I loved the meeting this morning, Craig.
I sat there and I just thought, I didn't know it was actually possible to make a 9:00 a.
m.
Meeting almost beautiful.
And I mean that, because what you'll find out about me is that I do not mince my words.
Any communications from me will be completely unminced.
It'll be solid.
But sliced.
Manageable, but still identifiable as, as some sort of meat.
No, you said you wanted ideas And after the meeting I was so fizzy I decided to email you about this play I've written, and Really? Oh, Craig that's great.
Thank you.
You're not going to regret this, Craig, this is really, I've written loads of episodes, Craig.
I'll tell you about them another time but the last one is very good, it's got an argument in a car park.
No, you're busy.
Craig, Craig, Craig.
It's fine.
You're a busy man, Craig.
Craig.
Craig.
You're a busy man.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, and Craig, sorry if I've been using your name a bit too much.
Okay, bye, Craig.
I mean, bye.
Sidekick Simon's Cryptic Confectionary.
I am chocolate placed on Saddam's head.
Um Bounty? Yes.
Stop shouting about my little bubbles.
Er Wispa? Yes, yes! You'll be bowled over by my coloured pellets.
- Skittles.
- Skittles is right, and final question.
You wait all day for one of my nougat-chocolate concoctions, then three come along at once.
- Double De - Can I ask you a question, Elaine? - Er - Do you like drama on the radio? I don't hear many of them to be honest, Alan.
Then let me tell you a story.
It's Boxing Day, 7:00 a.
m.
, and I'm in the David Lloyd showers when a muscle merchant wanders over to me and offers me some talc.
I cup my hand and he gives me a mound.
I pat it around, and as the plume settles, he looks at me and says, "Why is there no drama on regional radio?" I said, "Sebastian, I'm ashamed to say I don't have an answer to that question," and I ran home at top speed and I wrote a play for radio.
It was only the next day that I realised I'd left my car there.
I didn't realise you fancied yourself as a playwright.
I don't fancy myself, I'm not John Inverdale, but I've wanted to be a playwriter for ages.
So, Elaine, would you like to hear a radio play? Well, yes.
Thanks, Elaine.
- You win? - Not sure.
So, please stay tuned because later on we will be presenting the world premiere of A Chill Breeze or a Glowering Glassblower This Way Comes.
Because everyone has a story in them, don't they? You have got a story in you.
I'm sure.
Yeah, I do.
I've been trying to write a short story about how I tracked down my real mum.
- Oh, yeah, yeah - Um I wasn't surprised really at how she reacted.
She's got new family now, so I don't blame her if she doesn't want Exactly, everyone has a story in them.
But, right now, with the time at midday, midday or 12:12, let's have some music.
They perfectly describe the council's proposal to build affordable housing on green belt land, this is Madness.
And now on North Norfolk Digital Partridge Playhouse presents A Chill Breeze or a Glowering Glassblower This Way Comes.
Britain's cows have started lying down in different directions causing rural panic.
The government appeals for calm but maverick scientist Jim Hannigan suspects foul play.
Professor Hannigan! Professor Hannigan! Yes? Are you esteemed professor, Professor Hannigan? Last time I checked my lanyard.
That's Hannigan.
- Sharp as a tack.
- This is of the upmost secrecy.
If the scientific community knew I was even approaching the man they'd ostracised How can I be sure it's you? You'll notice I shook your hand quite badly.
Of course, your missing fingers.
What's happened to his fingers? Hannigan's fingers are based on a guy I knew, used to work the engine crane at Longbridge and they're supposed to wear gauntlets but A London cocktail party with the cream of the world's scientific minds, yet one still can't get a decent glass of wine.
John Glynbourne.
Whatever happened to him? He got caught having a bubble bath with a boy in the 90s.
So his confidence has taken a bit of a knock, but he's still very good.
And his rate's gone through the floor.
Hello, Hannigan.
Professor Jim Kelvin Hannigan, if you don't mind.
- That's you playing Hannigan.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean a few actors read for the part, a guy called Mark Rylance Yes.
Yeah, he was spectacularly good, but he wasn't Hannigan Professor Hawking is driving over to us now.
- In the end I got the part.
- Good evening, Mr Dooley.
Oh, hello, Professor Hawking.
You know, your waistline is like the universe.
- How do you mean? - It's ever expanding.
You know the universe is ever expanding.
Yeah.
I don't have to stand for this.
I'm going over there.
Nice one Hawks.
Sometimes I wish I was disabled but clever with a robot voice.
We should be at my Norwich penthouse quite soon, my garlic beauty.
- Were it not for this damn traffic.
- I cannot wait.
Driver, turn up the radio.
Due to a major incident, all roads in and out of the south of Norwich have been shut by police What the hell is this? Hello, Sarah.
Do you know what the red light outside means? - "No girls allowed".
- "Broadcasting".
- Who said you could play it? - Craig.
Who said you could pass 'round a sponsorship form for your daughter's fun run? What was that last bit? Oh, that was just part of the drama.
But people might think it was an actual traffic report.
I've seen the way you look at me.
- Your eyes devour me.
- What is this, anyway? - And my groin burns for you.
- It's just, you know, a romantic sub-plot.
All good dramas have them.
I'm going to kiss you, so you better open your mouth very wide.
Mmm.
Clear up the traffic report now or I'll have you taken off the air.
Fine.
And put me down for 50 quid if your daughter manages to heave herself around the course.
I take that back.
Hmm, yeah.
Hmm.
Actually, I've just had a traffic report, on my text.
Hmm.
It says that the only road closed into Norwich, is in actual fact, the A417.
Other than that everything's clear as a bell.
Yep, that's your travel.
Ooh, that's nice.
- Let me just slip these socks off - Slip these socks off - You like my French underwear.
- Happy now? - Take your top off.
- That was Hannigan, not me.
- Goodness me, you're busty.
- Again, Hannigan, not me.
- This is ridiculous.
- Come here.
Sit on my lap.
But I haven't got any knickers on.
That's okay.
I discarded my underpants ages ago.
I'll spin on.
This is Alan Partridge.
We're a little short of time so I'll summarise to the end of the scene.
Hannigan and Sarah make love.
Hannigan more than satisfies her.
His missing fingers are no impediment to this because he has these implements that he screws on.
He has a toy box which he pulls out from under the bed.
I'll skip that.
Next morning they wake up, they do it again.
Again he satisfies her.
Again, the toy box.
So we join them post-brunch, trying to find a way around the police road blocks.
The fictional police road blocks.
We need to get to the field with the lying-down cows.
I'm going to go off road.
I do all the animal noises.
Are you sure the car will manage it? Ha! You've never driven a Range Rover, have you? It's pretty much the only car you'll ever need.
Range Rover.
Hang on a sec, are you promoting Range Rover? No, no.
No, I'm not promoting Range Rover.
No, I know the rules.
The guy happens to drive a Range Rover.
End of.
So, what do you think of the Range Rover, anyway? - In a word - Ambivalent.
- I've never felt so - Neutral about a car.
And how much do they cost? Less than you might think.
You can drive one off the forecourt for 20 Moo! nothing to pay for three years.
Alan, I've spoken to Craig.
You've got one more minute and then it comes off.
Fine, fine.
Hello, I'm going to spool on to the final scene.
It's a press conference the next day.
Dooley thinks he's going to humiliate Hannigan, but Hannigan is ready to play his ace, it's ace.
- Listen.
- And in conclusion, I can now end this press conference by saying there is no proof, whatsoever, of alien life.
And if there are no more questions, this press conference will end in five, four, - three, two - There is one, actually.
Damn it.
It's Hannigan.
If someone did produce evidence, wouldn't that prove you quite wrong.
Where is this evidence? It's here, in this jar.
Good God! It's like some fucking jelly with eyes! And so the plot, like hot gravy, thickens.
Let us know what you think of A Chill Wind or a Glowering Glass You know the rest.
And, yes, the inbox has gone crazy.
"Best play ever," says Jill.
John in North Walsham says "I'm sure at the idea stage, it was great.
" Thanks very much, John.
And Toby in Walsham says "I think theatre is just for poofs and women.
" Well, it's not for everyone but do keep your views coming in.
Now, though, some music.
This is "Various Artists".
That was our hymn of the day.
It's 10:00 a.
m.
And this is Mid Morning Matters with me, I, Alan Partridge.
And in the words of Freddy Flintstone, today's show is going to be, "Yabba-dabba-do.
" Sorry, sorry, I did Jimmy Savile there.
- Sir, Sir - Yes, no, of course, absolutely.
Sir Jimmy Savile, the disgraced knight of the realm.
And a quick correction.
Yesterday, I read out a text saying that oestrogen was a kind of gas used to blow up balloons.
Of course, it isn't.
It's a hormone used by women to Perform a number of tasks relating to Um - Themselves.
- And others.
Thank you.
Okay, time for today's large question.
Large question.
If you could invite anyone to a dinner party, who would it be? - Dead or alive? - Er, well, I'd probably go for alive.
Seriously, though, who would they be? I've got them here.
I would have Cubby Broccoli, Jasper Carrott, Mary Berry, Jack Lemmon and Mr Bean.
Just to make sure I definitely got my five a day.
Yeah, well, seriously, though, that would get things moving.
Or is that all right now? Who would you have at yours? Er, Jesus Christ, Margaret Thatcher, Denis Thatcher, Carol Thatcher.
And Um Mark Thatcher.
So, just, it would be Jesus and the Thatcher family? - Yeah.
- I have a tweet from Janey72, who Tweets to say She'd invite the You all right? She'd invite the Harlem Globetrotters and Nigel Farage.
Oh.
He'd get battered.
Corby, I'm your stepfather, and that accords me certain rights.
Yes, she's your mother but she's also my bird.
I just don't see why I should take the blame because your dad ran off.
He did.
He did.
He did.
He did.
He did.
Corby, Corby, he's not on an oil rig, he's in the Cotswolds.
Even the noise he made sounded like a siren.
How's about that? - Almost - Maybe it was a There was a part of his brain that was actually trying to warn people.
It could well be, we don't know how half the brain works.
Just a God.
Coming up, a chance to win a free CD from Jazzy Jeff and the French Prince.
- French Prince, is it? Fresh maybe? - Fresh Prince, sorry.
Well, of course, well, they're all Republicans, aren't they? If you're a Frenchman claiming to be a prince, you'd very soon end up being beheaded by a revolting peasant.
Joining me today is someone else who presumably finds peasants revolting I'm not sure about that! Well.
Fibber.
Because this weekend sees the annual North Norfolk Hunt.
- Ooh! Careful how you say that one.
- Why? It's traditionally a time of intense shouting from both sides of the hunting debate, be it the grunted chant of the balaclava or the reasoned oratory of the North Norfolk huntsmen and women.
- Oh, I see the point you're making.
- See - Yup, on the - Careful! On the advice of police, we've agreed to give the leader of the Norfolk hunt a platform to appeal for calm.
Especially after the ugly scenes last year, when I think, a lord got thumped.
Please welcome Sir Cecil Phillips.
That wasn't you was it? No, I'm not a lord.
Many, many, many thanks for having me here.
An honour and a privilege.
Now your message to the protestors is quite simple, isn't it? It is, yes.
Um Well Simply, it's, "Look.
You've had your say "but this is private property, "so, on your way.
" Well, no.
Whilst we don't share the views of the anti-hunt lobby, we do respect their right to disagree with what Yes, yes.
The right to be heard, sure, sure, sure, sure.
But, but, if they cross the line, there are a thousand Countryside Alliance boys ready to go.
Well, the Countryside Alliance is really a lobbying organisation.
And how! It's what the National Trust would be if it grew a pair.
No.
The point that I'd really like to get across is that If you try to sabotage the safe passage of the hunt, you're endangering yourselves, you're endangering us, and you're endangering horses.
Horses.
Clever.
Horses are animals.
Snookered.
Well, maybe they should play snooker.
No one gets hurt in snooker.
What? Have you seen Minder? Minder was a television programme many years ago where a rather vulgar chap from ITV, would gallivant around London resolving petty monetary differences with people, often at the fat end of a snooker cue.
They're not allowed to show it any more.
Um Another Um ITV, by the way, is the channel that used to show the commercial You don't need to know about that.
I like that one with the silencer.
Would you like to go and buy an air rifle this weekend? Can I? Yes, you could go shooting squirrels with the boys.
- Do you think they'd like air rifles? - Definitely.
Of course.
They're from a broken home! Also, of course, the protestors, what they very rarely point out is the welfare of the beagles.
Some of the abuse these dogs are subject to by these so-called law-abiding protestors.
Bad dog.
Bad dog! Bad Dog.
I mean, that's got to affect their self-esteem.
Well, do dogs have self-esteem? Yeah, Sir Cecil, do dogs have self-esteem? Well, you know, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
They're very well-trained, highly-intelligent dogs.
Which is presumably why you use them.
You're not going to get very far with a poodle or a - A corgi.
- Exactly! - You wouldn't get very far.
- I'd like to see a corgi face to face with a fox.
It'd absolutely shit itself.
Pathetic.
Well, God willing, this year you'll be left alone to rid your land of what I hear are pretty nasty animals.
And the foxes aren't great either! Ah, yes! No, come on.
You can't begrudge someone a peaceful protest.
I think he's talking about these types, two to a sleeping bag.
- Placards.
- Hanging from trees.
- Placards with no official font.
- Exactly, they're just mess - Squished in.
- The letters are all bunched up, the kerning's wrong.
I'd like to see them run a business! Wouldn't last, presumably you Unless, is it inherited? - It's inherited.
- Even better.
I once inherited a clock.
Beats buying them! Well, what I would say is it's a very traditional pursuit.
And it's with a very, very welcoming atmosphere.
So anyone's welcome? Well, you know, within reason.
We don't want to welcome any old Tom, Dick and Harry.
Absolutely.
Although, Tom, Dick and Harry, of course, are very popular names amongst hunts folk.
We have lots of names.
You can't welcome every Carl, Lee and Barry.
I think that's the point, isn't it? You don't want to mix too much with the - I don't suppose you know many Lees? - We have a Leopold.
Yeah, you shouldn't have said that.
Okay.
Time for some middle of the road music.
She's got diamonds and a nice big bum.
It's Jennifer Lopez.
We're talking dream dinner party guests.
Line 4.
Nathaniel.
I'd have a banquet at Hampton Court Palace with Alexander the Great, Ronald Reagan, Winston Churchill, Noel Edmonds, Mozart, the Krankies A lot of people.
Attila the Hun and James Dean.
Then I'd blow up the building and wipe them out.
Why would you want to kill people when most of them are already dead? Well, Noel Edmonds isn't.
He's still very much at large.
Right, so the other guests are merely bait for Edmonds.
Precisely, yeah.
But you'd be destroying a national monument.
Well, I've thought of other venues, but I need to be absolutely sure that Edmonds will attend.
My research tells me that if it's hosted at Hampton Court Palace, then he'll definitely come.
Sorry, why are the Krankies there? I plan to strap the explosives to Janette Krankie as he'd be unlikely to search her.
Right, yeah, no, in the current climate.
- It's Operation Yewtree - Yeah.
He'd be assaulting both a woman and a minor.
Yeah, yeah.
Excellent.
I like it, it's a clean kill.
Do call again, Nathaniel.
Line 3.
Jez.
Who's coming to dinner? - I don't give a toss about dinner.
- Has he already eaten? That guy kills foxes and you didn't challenge him on a single thing he said.
- It was totally one-sided.
- Okay.
If you want me to Photoshop your face on to the picture of a fat woman's body and tell people that that's what you look like under your clothes, you're going about it the right way, sunshine.
Well, obviously, I don't want that so Are you quiet 'cause you're angry? - Is he quiet 'cause he's angry? - He's gone, he's gone.
Fine.
You're listening to Alan Partridge.
Alan's balanced debate, it's genuinely balanced.
Bam! Excellent.
And we're back with Cecil Phillips of the North Norfolk - Hello.
- Hello.
And joined in the interests of impartiality on my left by none other than, Simon Denton.
Simon, I believe your girlfriend is a vegetarian.
- Yes.
Right.
- Great.
Well, Simon will be replacing his jester hat with a protestor hat, which often, frequently, are jester hats.
Simon Denton, you oppose fox hunting.
Why? I just think it's cruel to the foxes.
Cecil Philips.
You and your mates just go around beating up wildlife for kicks.
No, no.
Well, foxes, foxes, foxes can be pretty unpleasant.
I think we have a very romanticised idea of foxes.
If you'd ever been in a chicken coop after a fox attack Absolutely, yes.
Simon Denton, foxes, they're thieving bastards.
If a fox was a human being, it'd be David Starkey.
A real git of a guy.
They always talk about the inside of chicken coop, but foxes are animals, at the end of the day.
They're not evil, they're just looking for food.
Philip, do you portray these little red dogs - No.
They're not dogs.
- Little red dogs They're just trying to put a chicken dinner on the table - for the cubs.
- Chickens are a farmer's livelihood.
Precisely.
Simon Denton? He's saying foxes are screwing the farmers and, meanwhile, they're being defended by soap-dodging, meat-dodging, job dodgers.
No.
I did not say that.
No.
He didn't say that, he's saying, "Whoa, you're putting words in my mouth big time.
Back off.
" No, no.
I'm saying fox numbers need to be controlled.
Answer him.
I just think there's an arrogance about it all.
Yeah, so Cecil.
He looks at you guys in your red tunics and your tight white tights.
- Jodhpurs.
- And he thinks you just look like - bloody pillocks.
- Look, I won't deny that our pageantry we take seriously.
But you can't just turn up in jeans.
- That's a good point.
- It's not some teenage pursuit like Laser Quest.
Yeah.
You can't just turn up Well, hang on a second.
Laser Quest is not a teenage pursuit.
I quest with a Round Tabler who served in Northern Ireland.
Sometimes he gets flashbacks, I have to talk him down over a milkshake.
- It's different.
- Lf society ever breaks down, you may well regret not having been to Laser Quest because the people who can't stand you go a lot.
I'm sure we'll cope.
Well, I think you'd be overrun by sheer weight of numbers.
Exactly.
If the working classes all rise up as one then you are done for, mate.
- Are you a communist? - We have horses.
Horses, I'm sorry, in an inner city warzone, will be all but useless.
They'll end up roasting on a spit in the middle of the precinct.
Yeah, in some sort of post-apocalyptic vision of hell.
- Where the hunter becomes the hunted.
- You can run but you can't hide.
Sure, you'd ditch your red tunic and don a hoody, and you blend in for a while But then some local grabs you and says, "All right, mate".
Yes.
And you say, "Yeah, spiffing.
" Oh"Wag'waan?" But the game's up.
By nightfall, you and Leopold are swinging from a lamppost, your bugle stuck up your backside.
So, the last gases escaping from your body make a bleakly comic noise.
And I'm afraid that's all we've got time for.
But encouraging to know that within that you've at least found some common ground.
Cecil, your dream dinner party guests? Hmm? RADIO ANNOUNCER Traffic and Travel, sponsored by Castrol.
T and T.
On the A17, a truck has overturned, shedding its load of Pampers over both carriageways.
Sounds like the set up to a joke, doesn't it? The police don't yet know which skid marks Just to stop you, there has been a fatality.
North Norfolk Digital.
Later on we'll be talking about corner shop fizzy drinks and asking what part of "multipack, not to be sold separately" don't they understand? And talking of fizz.
I've got to give a big shout out to our new MD, Craig Felbridge, who this morning was absolutely fizzing with ideas.
He was like a one man SodaStream.
- Honestly, I felt so - Carbonated.
Exactly.
My head was just going pip pop, pip pop, pip pop, pip.
Pip.
Pop.
He's going crazy.
Yeah, you get the picture.
- But what a speaker.
- Brilliant.
20% Steve Jobs, 10% Jesus, 50% Peter Sissons, a splash of Gandhi, don't need to measure that.
If you were a quarter of the man he is, you'd be twice the man you are, and that still makes you an eighth of a very impressive man.
And that's not my opinion, that's fractions.
- Thank you, fractions.
- Okay.
Time for some music.
This band are the words I said to my girlfriend last week on her birthday.
"UB40.
" Four.
I've never seen you like this.
I thought it was because petrol prices had gone down.
- Have they? - No.
Oh.
Anyway, this guy Craig is one sod of a good MD.
He wants new ideas.
He said everyone's opinion is valid.
- Right.
- I think I've written it down somewhere.
Saw it somewhere Is that it? Yep, there.
He said everyone's opinions are valid, even the bin man's.
Although that may have been a joke.
Craig, it's Alan.
I know you're busy, I'm going to talk very fast.
Just wanted to say, I loved the meeting this morning, Craig.
I sat there and I just thought, I didn't know it was actually possible to make a 9:00 a.
m.
Meeting almost beautiful.
And I mean that, because what you'll find out about me is that I do not mince my words.
Any communications from me will be completely unminced.
It'll be solid.
But sliced.
Manageable, but still identifiable as, as some sort of meat.
No, you said you wanted ideas And after the meeting I was so fizzy I decided to email you about this play I've written, and Really? Oh, Craig that's great.
Thank you.
You're not going to regret this, Craig, this is really, I've written loads of episodes, Craig.
I'll tell you about them another time but the last one is very good, it's got an argument in a car park.
No, you're busy.
Craig, Craig, Craig.
It's fine.
You're a busy man, Craig.
Craig.
Craig.
You're a busy man.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, and Craig, sorry if I've been using your name a bit too much.
Okay, bye, Craig.
I mean, bye.
Sidekick Simon's Cryptic Confectionary.
I am chocolate placed on Saddam's head.
Um Bounty? Yes.
Stop shouting about my little bubbles.
Er Wispa? Yes, yes! You'll be bowled over by my coloured pellets.
- Skittles.
- Skittles is right, and final question.
You wait all day for one of my nougat-chocolate concoctions, then three come along at once.
- Double De - Can I ask you a question, Elaine? - Er - Do you like drama on the radio? I don't hear many of them to be honest, Alan.
Then let me tell you a story.
It's Boxing Day, 7:00 a.
m.
, and I'm in the David Lloyd showers when a muscle merchant wanders over to me and offers me some talc.
I cup my hand and he gives me a mound.
I pat it around, and as the plume settles, he looks at me and says, "Why is there no drama on regional radio?" I said, "Sebastian, I'm ashamed to say I don't have an answer to that question," and I ran home at top speed and I wrote a play for radio.
It was only the next day that I realised I'd left my car there.
I didn't realise you fancied yourself as a playwright.
I don't fancy myself, I'm not John Inverdale, but I've wanted to be a playwriter for ages.
So, Elaine, would you like to hear a radio play? Well, yes.
Thanks, Elaine.
- You win? - Not sure.
So, please stay tuned because later on we will be presenting the world premiere of A Chill Breeze or a Glowering Glassblower This Way Comes.
Because everyone has a story in them, don't they? You have got a story in you.
I'm sure.
Yeah, I do.
I've been trying to write a short story about how I tracked down my real mum.
- Oh, yeah, yeah - Um I wasn't surprised really at how she reacted.
She's got new family now, so I don't blame her if she doesn't want Exactly, everyone has a story in them.
But, right now, with the time at midday, midday or 12:12, let's have some music.
They perfectly describe the council's proposal to build affordable housing on green belt land, this is Madness.
And now on North Norfolk Digital Partridge Playhouse presents A Chill Breeze or a Glowering Glassblower This Way Comes.
Britain's cows have started lying down in different directions causing rural panic.
The government appeals for calm but maverick scientist Jim Hannigan suspects foul play.
Professor Hannigan! Professor Hannigan! Yes? Are you esteemed professor, Professor Hannigan? Last time I checked my lanyard.
That's Hannigan.
- Sharp as a tack.
- This is of the upmost secrecy.
If the scientific community knew I was even approaching the man they'd ostracised How can I be sure it's you? You'll notice I shook your hand quite badly.
Of course, your missing fingers.
What's happened to his fingers? Hannigan's fingers are based on a guy I knew, used to work the engine crane at Longbridge and they're supposed to wear gauntlets but A London cocktail party with the cream of the world's scientific minds, yet one still can't get a decent glass of wine.
John Glynbourne.
Whatever happened to him? He got caught having a bubble bath with a boy in the 90s.
So his confidence has taken a bit of a knock, but he's still very good.
And his rate's gone through the floor.
Hello, Hannigan.
Professor Jim Kelvin Hannigan, if you don't mind.
- That's you playing Hannigan.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean a few actors read for the part, a guy called Mark Rylance Yes.
Yeah, he was spectacularly good, but he wasn't Hannigan Professor Hawking is driving over to us now.
- In the end I got the part.
- Good evening, Mr Dooley.
Oh, hello, Professor Hawking.
You know, your waistline is like the universe.
- How do you mean? - It's ever expanding.
You know the universe is ever expanding.
Yeah.
I don't have to stand for this.
I'm going over there.
Nice one Hawks.
Sometimes I wish I was disabled but clever with a robot voice.
We should be at my Norwich penthouse quite soon, my garlic beauty.
- Were it not for this damn traffic.
- I cannot wait.
Driver, turn up the radio.
Due to a major incident, all roads in and out of the south of Norwich have been shut by police What the hell is this? Hello, Sarah.
Do you know what the red light outside means? - "No girls allowed".
- "Broadcasting".
- Who said you could play it? - Craig.
Who said you could pass 'round a sponsorship form for your daughter's fun run? What was that last bit? Oh, that was just part of the drama.
But people might think it was an actual traffic report.
I've seen the way you look at me.
- Your eyes devour me.
- What is this, anyway? - And my groin burns for you.
- It's just, you know, a romantic sub-plot.
All good dramas have them.
I'm going to kiss you, so you better open your mouth very wide.
Mmm.
Clear up the traffic report now or I'll have you taken off the air.
Fine.
And put me down for 50 quid if your daughter manages to heave herself around the course.
I take that back.
Hmm, yeah.
Hmm.
Actually, I've just had a traffic report, on my text.
Hmm.
It says that the only road closed into Norwich, is in actual fact, the A417.
Other than that everything's clear as a bell.
Yep, that's your travel.
Ooh, that's nice.
- Let me just slip these socks off - Slip these socks off - You like my French underwear.
- Happy now? - Take your top off.
- That was Hannigan, not me.
- Goodness me, you're busty.
- Again, Hannigan, not me.
- This is ridiculous.
- Come here.
Sit on my lap.
But I haven't got any knickers on.
That's okay.
I discarded my underpants ages ago.
I'll spin on.
This is Alan Partridge.
We're a little short of time so I'll summarise to the end of the scene.
Hannigan and Sarah make love.
Hannigan more than satisfies her.
His missing fingers are no impediment to this because he has these implements that he screws on.
He has a toy box which he pulls out from under the bed.
I'll skip that.
Next morning they wake up, they do it again.
Again he satisfies her.
Again, the toy box.
So we join them post-brunch, trying to find a way around the police road blocks.
The fictional police road blocks.
We need to get to the field with the lying-down cows.
I'm going to go off road.
I do all the animal noises.
Are you sure the car will manage it? Ha! You've never driven a Range Rover, have you? It's pretty much the only car you'll ever need.
Range Rover.
Hang on a sec, are you promoting Range Rover? No, no.
No, I'm not promoting Range Rover.
No, I know the rules.
The guy happens to drive a Range Rover.
End of.
So, what do you think of the Range Rover, anyway? - In a word - Ambivalent.
- I've never felt so - Neutral about a car.
And how much do they cost? Less than you might think.
You can drive one off the forecourt for 20 Moo! nothing to pay for three years.
Alan, I've spoken to Craig.
You've got one more minute and then it comes off.
Fine, fine.
Hello, I'm going to spool on to the final scene.
It's a press conference the next day.
Dooley thinks he's going to humiliate Hannigan, but Hannigan is ready to play his ace, it's ace.
- Listen.
- And in conclusion, I can now end this press conference by saying there is no proof, whatsoever, of alien life.
And if there are no more questions, this press conference will end in five, four, - three, two - There is one, actually.
Damn it.
It's Hannigan.
If someone did produce evidence, wouldn't that prove you quite wrong.
Where is this evidence? It's here, in this jar.
Good God! It's like some fucking jelly with eyes! And so the plot, like hot gravy, thickens.
Let us know what you think of A Chill Wind or a Glowering Glass You know the rest.
And, yes, the inbox has gone crazy.
"Best play ever," says Jill.
John in North Walsham says "I'm sure at the idea stage, it was great.
" Thanks very much, John.
And Toby in Walsham says "I think theatre is just for poofs and women.
" Well, it's not for everyone but do keep your views coming in.
Now, though, some music.
This is "Various Artists".