Mind Your Language (1977) s02e01 Episode Script

Principal's office Good evening Sidney Good evening Miss Courtney, just giving your door a bit of a touch up Had a nice holiday? l spent seven days in sunny Spain - Pardon? - Sunny Spain - That sounds nice - lt rained Oh, l am sorry! Still l expect you enjoyed all those exotic Spanish dishes - l got food poisoning - Oh sorry Did it rain every day? Oh no! When l got food poisoning the sun came out When l got better, it went back in Apart from the day before we left.
That was absolutely glorious - Well at least you had one good day - l got sunburnt What a pity! - Hello Sid - Mr.
Brown, welcome back - Ta, is she in? - l've creamed out your bin - No, is she in? - Yeah, but she's in a shocking temper - l'll see her later then - Glad to be back? Yeah, l shall miss my old class But l shall enjoy the challenge of starting again with fresh minds l wonder how many different nationalities l'll have to deal with this term? Good evening Pleased to meet you Thank you Do you speak English? - Hungry? - lgen You want something to eat? - Hungry - Hungary l'll put you in my register What is your name? Your name - Zoltan Szabo - Zoltan Szabo This is yes This is no Yes No Good l am Mr.
Brown, your teacher l hope that was complimentary Never mind Do you know any English? Yes - Gud sev de kwin - God Save the Queen More? Some more English? - Pliz, thank you - Good - Shtones - Shtones? - Rolling Stones? - Yes Good evening Mr.
Brown l am most happy to be seeing you again Anna, Ranjeet! What are you doing here? We failed our exam but we are coming back for more lessons That is correct! Like Roberty Bruce say lf at first you are not succeeding, try, try Again! lf at first you are not succeeding Never mind Were you not expecting us? No the authorities don't notify the individual teachers of the results And as usual Miss Courtney has kept me in the dark She took the lights out? No, she never told me! This is Zoltan, Ranjeet Delighted to be making your acquaintance What a nice man! He is giving me a present He wants you to read out something from his phrase book A thousand apologies Waiter my soup is cold Pleased to meet you Thank you Good and this is Anna How do you do? Yes, Thank you Would you both like to sit down This time l sit at front, then l can be learning quicker l will be sitting in my accustomed place Well, l was hoping that l had a hundred percent pass record But still, two failures out of ten isn't bad Good evening master Four failures out of ten Jamila you failed Sorry Master But maybe next time l shall be winning l'm sure you mean winning - And you, Taro - Ah so Loss of face Not goodo for Japanese First, considered Hara-kiri Then decide to como backo for more lessons But if no pass next time Just make sure you don't do it on the classroom floor Well, as you can see you re not alone This is Zoltan Jamila, and Taro - Pleased to meet you - Good evening Jamila, you want your place back? No, l sit at backside with Taro No Jamila! You will sit at the back Backside is what you sit on No master, what l sit on is chair Yes, l can see why you failed Buenas noches everybodies Juan! Don't tell me you failed lt's all right! l not tell you - You don't need to tell me! l know - You plenty smart That's more than l can say for you - Por favore? - Never mind This is Zoltan! This is Juan How you do? ls for me? He's really saying he's pleased to meet you He doesn't speak English lt's all right! l teach him That would be like the blind leading the blind Blind He not see! - You feel - Juan he's not blind l was just using a, never mind! Sit down Ok! l sit here - Good afton - Good evening - l here come to English learn - l come here to learn English We together sit No, we can't do that What is matter? There is wrong something with me? There is wrong nothing with you - l very much like you - l am your teacher Teacher? You are too young to be teacher Thank you - ls that your name? - Yes - lngrid Svenson - lngrid Svenson - l take it you are Svedish Swedish? - Ja - Where from? - Stockholm - Stockholm! And what is yourjob? - Au pair Very nice Where shall we sit you? There's a place here with me There is also a place here beside me Here please l think we'll sit you at the front for the time being You're sitting next to Juan, behind you is Ranjeet At the back are Taro and Jamila She is Anna and he is Zoltan And l am Ali - Ali, not you as well - As well as what please? - You failed? - Yes l am getting twenty out of one hundred That's nothing to be proud about You're supposed to get at least fifty to pass! Twenty is disgraceful Last year l am getting nothing at all So l am doing better! l sit - Scuse please! Get up - What for? - That is my seat - l not see your name on seat Get your big Spanish bottom out of my chair You no talk me like that! l punch you That's enough! Seats are not reservable Sit somewhere else, Ali Ok, l sit at the back You big spanish bottom We'll wait a few more moments in case there are any more new students Buena Serra lt's just like old times lt's a big surprise, eh professori? l am not disappointed to be back - Who is that? - This is lngrid! She is Swedish She is also sitting in my seat - You will move yes? - l will move no - You can sit next to me - No, you sit next to me That's right! You sit beside Max and Giovanni because l want to sit here l'm sorry Danielle! But l think it's important the new students sit at the front - l don't like you - l'm so worried You can come and sit next to me - Sit between us - Ok Well l must say that l'm extremely disappointed in you all lt's not your fault professori! We not pass because we're stupid - And what does that make me? - More stupid Exactly! Out of ten students l've nine failures Vely solly l'm rate Congratulations! You are getting ten out of ten Well l really don't know what to say Oh blimey, if you are not knowing what to say How are you going to be teaching us? - l'll ignore that stupid remark - Jolly good Because you have all failed, l have failed lt's perfectly true This term, l want much more effort from all of you You must all pull your socks up lt's all right No Juan, l was speaking figuratively - Por favore - Never mind You must all concentrate much harder this term We shall start at the beginning again And this time l shall be giving twice as much homework as last time l want a hundred per cent effort from all of you Now tonight l want you each to tell me what you did during the holidays - Please? - Yes Zoltan l do not understand what you are saying Never mind! Just keep quiet and listen Never mind l speak No speak - Thank you Juan - lt's all right Now, what have you been doing with yourself, Jamila? l went on holidays to visit all my family - You went to Bombay? - No Birmingham Birmingham, the Mecca of the Midlands - And you Taro? - Ah so What did you get up to? Went on fishing holiday - Good, did you catch anything? - Catcho heavy coldo Did you enjoy your break Ali? l am not breaking anything - The holiday - Jolly good l am learning how to be driving a motor car Good, that's very useful! When do you take your test? Oh blimey l'm already failing my test The examiner man was jumping out of the car When l was going down a hill - l expect you were going too fast - No, l was going backwards - What did you do Su Lee? - Spent time lighting - Lighting what? - Lighting book Ah book What sort of book are you lighting, writing? ls called The Democratic way of Life All about glorious freedom-loving Chinese l see, a work of fiction Tell us what you did with yourself Ranjeet l have been looking after my cousin while her husband has been away Very commendable He is being discharged this week Discharged? He's been in hospital? No prison And he is being sent to prison for something he didn't do - What really didn't he do? - He didn't run fast enough Quiet! Tell us what you did Giovanni l went to Marsgate - Margate - Scusi l met this fantastic girl She had the biggest l'm sure we all get your meaning Every day we used to go on the sand for a bit - For a while - Scusi? To go on the sands for a while To go on the sands for a bit can imply you were, well doing something naughty That's right, we were very naughty on the sand Silence! Mr.
Brown, miss Courtney wants you right away Thank you Sid You can have an early tea break and we'll continue with this later - Please - Yes Zoltan No, you must try to speak! Speak You - Girl - Yes please - No you re not a girl - You Ah, you have a girl friend - l understand, go on - Girl English An English girl - You - Me You want me to write a letter to your girl? Please What do you want me to write? What l write? l think l get the general idea Sidney! Yes Miss Courtney Did you tell Mr.
Brown l wanted to see him? Yeah definitely l think this should be all right Dear Miss, l'm writing to tell you of my feelings for you l think you are beautiful l want to hold you in my arms and kiss you Please say you feel the same about me All my love Yes! Thank you - What is going on here? - Nothing lt certainly didn't sound like nothing l was writing a letter for Zoltan to his girl friend He was showing me his appreciation in Hungarian Kindly leave us Go, l said go! Go Now Mr.
Brown l understand none of your previous students Passed their lower Cambridge Certificate l think there were a few near misses That's not good enough Obviously Mr.
Brown, you are sadly lacking ln the necessary qualities required to teach English - Just a moment - Don't interrupt l shall be keeping a very close eye on you this term, Mr.
Brown Unless l see a marked improvement, out you go - lt's not - l have no wish to listen to feeble excuses Pompous old cow - What was that? - l said l'm just going now Hey, you not speak nothing? He is not knowing the English as well as what we are knowing - l speak with him - Blimey, he speak Hungryarian Sure l speak Hunarian - Football - Football - Puskas - Pele - Kepkens - Beckenball - Bobby Lee Shutkan - Bobby Lee Moor You see, l told you l speak the language You like England? Ya! l also very much like teacher - You not make the eyes at Mr.
Brown - lf l want l will Mr.
Brown does not like the blond ladies Swedish girls are the beautifullest Swedish girls are too big in the bosoms French girls are too big in the mouth ln China, looks are not important lt is brains and intellect that matter - Absolument - Su Lee is right We women are not symbols for sex - You agree Jamila? - l not understand We Women are not here to give the men the pleasure l like give men pleasure Trying to find a few winners? No l'm trying to find out if l can afford to leave the wife - Pardon? - Premium bonds A hundred thousand pounds! l could be lucky Somebody's got to win it - How many bonds have you got? - One You're as bad as me! l've only got one One, double F, two, three, two, three, two You've got a good memory lt's not a difficult one One, double F, two, three, two, three, two That's right - That's it - That's what? One, double F, two, three, two, three, two l don't believe it Are you sure that you got the right cucumber? - Cucumber? - The number Positive! Look One, double F, two, three, two, three, two That's right! You've won a hundred thousand pounds - What are you going to do? - What am l going to do Celebrate of course - Gladys - Yes Mr.
Brown Coffees all round Everybody please! l want to read you all my letter of resignation No, no! l'm definitely resigning With one hundred thousand pounds, l no longer need to teach English Dear Dracula This is to inform you That l think you are a rude, obnoxious and self-opinionated old dragon And if l ever see you again, it will be too soon Yours disrespectfully, Jeremy Brown - Ali - Yes please See that Miss Courtney gets this straight away Jelly good Thank you - Please - Oh yes Zoltan, your letter Glad, where's Sid's paper? - He went and took it with him - Took it with him? - l got a paper Mr.
Brown - Great Max, thank you Here it is, one hundred thousand pounds Today's number is One E, F, two, three Wait a minute! That's not right! lt should be one double F We apologize for the misprint printed out early in the day l have not won anything - So you won't be resignating after all - Resigning That letter Hello please Ali, the letter to Miss Courtney - She is not in the office - Thank God Mr.
Brown, Mr.
Nadim! Did you want to see me? - No - Yes please! This is for you Thank you l'd like a word with you Mr.
Brown l'll have you in the office Close the door l'll just see what this letter is first l wouldn't do that! You don't know where it's been! lt could be full of germs Don't be so ridiculous l seem to recognize this writing lt looks like yours, Mr.
Brown No, it's nothing like mine! ltjust looks like mine - Well l'd better open it - l think l'll go l haven't finished with you yet You will have when you read that letter - l beg you pardon? - Nothing Good Heavens Miss Courtney l've never read anything like it in my life - l can explain - Just listen to this l'd rather not Dear Miss, l'm writing to tell you of my feelings for you You see l thought l'd won Pardon? l want to hold you in my arms and kiss you You did write this letter Mr.
Brown Well l Not to you lt's the letter you wrote for that Hungarian student - Yes, you see what must have happened - You don't need to go on Obviously he's been smitten by my charm and beauty - Pardon? - l have told you before Mr.
Brown l do have a strange fascination for the opposite sex Oh yes very strange You may not believe this, Mr.
Brown But when l was a young girl l was very plain A cup of tea Gladys please Everything ok, Mr.
Brown? Yes! l must have put Zoltan's letter to his girl friend in my envelop to Miss Courtney - He's not going to be very happy - Why not? He's gonna give the letter you write