Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s02e01 Episode Script
Dinsdale!
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IT'S HELLO.
TONIGHT ON FACE THE PRESS, WE'RE GOING TO EXAMINE TWO DIFFERENT VIEWS OF CONTEMPORARY THINGS.
ON MY LEFT IS THE MINISTER FOR HOME AFFAIRS WHO IS WEARING A STRIKING ORGANZA DRESS IN PINK TULLE WITH MATCHING PEARLS AND A DIAMANTE COLLAR NECKLACE.
THE SHOES ARE IN BRUSHED PIGSKIN WITH GOLD CLASPS BY MAXWELL OF BOND STREET.
THE HAIR IS BY ROGER, AND THE WHOLE ENSEMBLE IS CROWNED BY A SPECTACULAR DISPLAY OF CHRISTMAS ORCHIDS.
AND ON MY RIGH PUTTING THE CASE AGAINST THE GOVERNMEN IS A SMALL PATCH OF BROWN LIQUID.
WHICH COULD BE CREOSOTE OR SOME EXTRAC USED IN INDUSTRIAL VARNISHING.
GOOD EVENING.
MINISTER, MAY I PU THE FIRST QUESTION TO YOU? IN YOUR PLAN "A BETTER BRITAIN FOR US" YOU CLAIMED THAT YOU WOULD BUILD 88,000 MILLION BILLION HOUSES A YEAR IN THE GREATER LONDON AREA ALONE.
IN FACT, YOU'VE BUIL ONLY THREE IN THE LAST 15 YEARS.
ARE YOU A BIT DISAPPOINTED WITH THIS RESULT? NO, NO.
I'D LIKE TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION, IF I MAY, IN TWO WAYS: FIRSTLY IN MY NORMAL VOICE AND THEN IN A KIND OF SILLY HIGH-PITCHED WHINE.
YOU SEE, HOUSING IS A PROBLEM REALLY WELL, WHILE THE MINISTER IS ANSWERING THIS QUESTION I'D JUST LIKE TO POINT OU THE MINISTER'S DRESS HAS BEEN MADE ENTIRELY BY HAND FROM OVER 300 PIECES OF ARABIAN SHOT SILK ESPECIALLY CREATED FOR THE MINISTER BY VARGAR'S OF PARIS.
THE LOW SLIM-LINE HAS BEEN CU OFF THE SHOULDER TO HEIGHTEN THE EFFECT OF THE MINISTER'S FINE BONE STRUCTURE.
I THINK THE MINISTER IS COMING TO THE END OF HIS ANSWER NOW SO LET'S GO BACK OVER AND JOIN THE DISCUSSION.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MINISTER.
TODAY SAW THE APPOINTMEN OF A NEW HEAD OF DON'T I SAY ANY MORE? NO FEAR.
TODAY SAW THE APPOINTMEN OF A NEW HEAD OF ALLIED BOMBER COMMAND AIR CHIEF MARSHALL SIR VINCEN "KILL THE JAPS" FORSTER.
HE'S IN OUR BIRMINGHAM STUDIO.
Hello, sailors! Listen, guess what.
The Ministerette of Aviation has made me Head of the R.
A.
F.
Ola Pola HELLO MRS.
ROGERS? NO OH, I MUST BE IN THE WRONG HOUSE.
OOH So from now on, we're going to do things my way.
For a start, David Hockney is going to design the bombs THAT MUST BE THE NEW GAS COOKER.
MORNING.
MRS.
G.
CRUMP? NO, MRS.
G.
PINNET.
THIS IS 46 EGERNON CRESCENT? NO, ROAD, EGERNON ROAD.
ROAD, YES, SAYS HERE, YEAH.
RIGHT, COULD I SPEAK TO MRS.
G.
CRUMP, PLEASE? OH, THERE'S NOBODY HERE OF THAT NAME.
IT'S MRS.
G.
PINNET, 46 EGERNON ROAD.
IT SAYS "CRUMP" HERE, DON'T IT, HARRY? IT'S ON THE INVOICE.
DEFINITELY "CRUMP.
" THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE BECAUSE THE ADDRESS IS RIGH AND THAT'S DEFINITELY THE COOKER I ORDERED A BLUE AND WHITE COOKEASI.
WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS.
THIS IS CRUMP.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WE CAN TAKE IT BACK GET A TRANSFER SLIP FROM CRUMP TO PINNE AND PUT IT ON A SPECIAL DELIVERY.
THAT'S BEST WE'LL SPECIAL IT FOR YOU.
WE'LL GET I DOWN THERE TODAY.
YOU'LL GET IT BACK IN TEN WEEKS.
TEN WEEKS?! CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE THIS ONE? WHAT, THIS? WHAT, LEAVE IT HERE? YES.
WELL, I DUNNO.
I SUPPOSE WE COULD.
OH, BUT SHE'D HAVE TO FILL OU A TEMPORARY DISPATCH NOTE.
YEAH, WE COULD LEAVE I ON A TEMPORARY DISPATCH NOTE.
THAT'S SORTED OUT, THEN.
WHAT A MESS, ISN'T IT? I KNOW IT'S RIDICULOUS, REALLY BUT THERE YOU ARE.
GLAD WE COULD BE OF SUCH A HELP.
SIGN IT DOWN THERE, PLEASE, MRS.
CRUMP.
PINNET.
LISTEN, JUS FOR THE BOOKS MAKE IT A BIT EASIER COULD YOU SIGN I "CRUMP-PINNET"? RIGHT.
RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DEAR.
THE COOKER'S YOURS.
YEAH, HERE WE GO.
RIGHT.
SORRY ABOU THE BOTHER BUT THERE YOU ARE, YOU KNOW, CHEERIO! CHEERIO, MRS.
CRUMP! HEY, EXCUSE ME.
COOEY! UH, CAN YOU PUT I IN THE KITCHEN? YOU WHAT? WELL, I CAN' COOK ON I UNLESS IT'S CONNECTED UP.
WE DIDN' REALIZE YOU HAD AN INSTALLATION INVOICE.
AN M.
I.
NO, WE CAN'T TOUCH I WITHOUT AN M.
I.
OR AN R16.
IF IT'S A SPECIAL.
NO, IT'S NOT SPECIAL.
THAT'S BACK AT THE DEPOT.
NO, THE SPECIAL'S THE SAME AS INSTALLATION INVOICE.
WHAT'S AN INSTALLATION INVOICE? A PINK FORM FROM READING.
OH, WE WONDERED WHAT THAT WAS.
NOW, THESE ARE THE FORMS.
THAT'S THE ONE, LOVE.
YEAH, THIS SHOULD BE ALL I NEED.
HANG ON, THIS IS FOR PINNET MRS.
G.
PINNET.
THAT'S RIGHT, I'M MRS.
G.
PINNET.
WELL WE'VE GOT "CRUMP- PINNET" ON THE INVOICE.
WELL, SHALL I SIGN I "CRUMP-PINNET," THEN? NO, NO, NO, NOT AN M.
I.
, NO.
NO, THAT'S FROM AREA SERVICE AT READING.
NO, CHELTENHAM, ISN'T IT? NO, NOT THIS SIDE OF THE STREET.
LOOK, I JUST WANT I CONNECTED UP.
WHAT ABOU LONDON OFFICE? NO, THEY HAVEN' GOT THE MACHINERY.
NOT NOW.
WHAT, THE HOUNSLOW DEPOT? NO, THEY'RE STILL ON STANDARD PRESSURE.
SAME WITH TWICKENHAM.
BUT SURELY THEY CAN CONNECT UP A GAS COOKER.
OH, YEAH, BUT NOT UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
WELL, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
IT'S NOT; AN EMERGENCY IS 290 "WHERE THERE IS ACTUAL OR APPARENT LOSS OF COMBUSTIBLE GASEOUS SUBSTANCES.
" YEAH, IT'S LIKE A LEAK.
OR A 478.
NO, THAT'S VALVE ADJUSTMENT.
BUT THERE CAN'T BE A LEAK UNLESS YOU'VE CONNECTED IT UP.
NO, QUITE.
WE'D HAVE TO TURN IT ON.
WELL, CAN'T YOU TURN IT ON AND CONNEC IT UP? NO, BUT WHA WE CAN DO AND THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME; I SHOULDN'T REALLY BE TELLING YOU THIS WE'LL TURN YOUR GAS ON MAKE A HOLE IN YOUR PIPE YOU RING HOUNSLOW EMERGENCY THEY'LL BE ROUND HERE IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
WHAT, A HOUSE FULL OF GAS? I'LL BE DEAD BY THEN! OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE YOU'D HAVE THE SOUTHEAST AREA MANAGER ROUND HERE LIKE A SHOT.
REALLY? AH, YES.
"ONE OR MORE PERSONS OVERCOME BY FUMES" YOU'D HAVE HEAD OFFICE, HOLBORN, ROUND HERE.
REALLY? YEAH, THAT'S MURDER, YOU SEE.
OR SUICIDE.
NO, THAT'S S42.
OH.
STILL? I THOUGHT IT WAS HAINAULT.
NO, CENTRAL AREA AND SOUTHALL MARKETING DIVISION THEY'RE BOTH ON THE S42 NOW.
AND THEY'D BE ABLE TO CONNECT IT UP? OH, THEY'D DO THE LO FOR YOU, LOVE.
AND THEY'D COME ROUND THIS AFTERNOON? WELL, WHAT IS I NOW, 11:30? MURDER THEY'LL BE ROUND HERE BY 2:00.
OH, WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
OH, RIGHT, LOVE, IF YOU'D LIKE TO LIE DOWN HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, HARRY! OKAY, GAS ON.
RIGHT, DEEP BREATHS, LOVE.
RING HEAD OFFICE, WOULD YOU, NORMAN? SHALL I GO THROUGH MAINTENANCE? NO, YOU'D BETTER GO THROUGH DEPTFORD MAINTENANCE.
PECKHAM'S ON A 207.
THAT'S LEWISHAM, ISN'T IT WHAT ABOUT TOTTENHAM? NO, THAT'D BE A 5-4.
WHAT ABOU LEWISHAM? IT'S CENTRAL, ISN'T IT? YES, OR RUISLIP.
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
CAN I HELP YOU? HELP ME? YEAH, I'LL SAY YOU CAN HELP ME.
YES, SIR? I COME ABOUT YOUR ADVER "SMALL WHITE PUSSY CAT FOR SALE.
EXCELLENT CONDITION.
" AH, YOU WISH TO BUY IT? THAT'S RIGHT JUST FOR THE HOUR.
ONLY I AIN'T GONNA PAY MORE'N A FIVER 'CAUSE IT AIN'T WORTH IT.
IT'S COME FROM A VERY GOOD HOME.
IT'S HOUSE TRAINED.
"CHEST OF DRAWERS" CHEST DRAWERS.
I'D LIKE SOME CHEST OF DRAWERS, PLEASE.
YES, SIR.
DOES IT GO? IT'S OVER THERE IN THE CORNER.
"PRAM FOR SALE ANY OFFERS.
" I'D LIKE A BIT OF PRAM, PLEASE.
AH, YES, SIR.
THAT'S IN GOOD CONDITION.
OH, GOOD I LIKE THEM IN GOOD CONDITION, EH? HERE IT IS, YOU SEE.
"BABY-SITTER.
" NO, IT'S A BABY-SITTER.
BABY-SITTER? BABY-SITTER.
BABY-SITTER I DON'T WANT A BABY-SITTER.
"BE A BLOOD DONOR," THAT'S IT.
I'D LIKE TO GIVE SOME BLOOD, PLEASE WHAA! OH, SPIT, WHICH ONE IS IT? "BLONDE PROSTITUTE WILL INDULGE IN ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY FOR FOUR QUID A WEEK.
" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? TIMES, PLEASE.
OH, YES, SIR, HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU.
CHEERS.
GOOD MORNING.
I'M SORRY TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING BUT I'M AFRAID MY MY WALK HAS BECOME RATHER SILLIER RECENTLY AND SO IT TAKES ME RATHER LONGER TO GET TO WORK.
NOW THEN, WHAT WAS IT AGAIN? WELL, SIR, I HAVE A SILLY WALK AND I'D LIKE TO OBTAIN A GOVERNMENT GRAN TO HELP ME DEVELOP IT.
I SEE.
MAY I SEE YOUR SILLY WALK? YES, CERTAINLY, YES.
THAT'S IT, IS IT? YES, THAT'S IT, YES.
MM-HMM, IT'S NO PARTICULARLY SILLY, IS IT? I MEAN, THE RIGHT LEG ISN'T SILLY AT ALL AND THE LEFT LEG MERELY DOES A FORWARD AERIAL HALF TURN EVERY ALTERNATE STEP.
YES, BUT WITH GOVERNMENT BACKING I COULD MAKE IT VERY SILLY.
MR.
PUDEY, THE VERY REAL PROBLEM IS ONE OF MONEY.
I'M AFRAID THAT THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS IS NO LONGER GETTING THE KIND OF SUPPORT IT NEEDS.
YOU SEE, THERE'S DEFENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY HEALTH, HOUSING, EDUCATION, SILLY WALKS THEY'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO GET THE SAME.
BUT LAST YEAR, THE GOVERNMEN SPENT LESS ON THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS THAN IT DID ON NATIONAL DEFENSE.
NOW, WE GE £348 MILLION A YEAR WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPEN ON ALL OUR AVAILABLE PRODUCTS.
UH, COFFEE? YES, PLEASE.
UH, MRS.
TWO-LUMPS WOULD YOU BRING US IN TWO COFFEES, PLEASE? Yes, Mr.
Teabag.
OUT OF HER MIND.
NOW, THE JAPANESE HAVE A MAN WHO CAN BEND HIS LEG BACK OVER HIS HEAD AND BACK AGAIN WITH EVERY SINGLE STEP, WHILE THE ISRAELIS AH, HERE'S THE COFFEE.
THANK YOU LOVELY.
YOU'RE REALLY INTERESTED IN SILLY WALKS, AREN'T YOU? OH, RATHER.
WELL, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, THEN.
MR.
PUDEY I'M NOT GOING TO MINCE WORDS WITH YOU.
I'M GOING TO OFFER YOU A RESEARCH FELLOWSHIP ON THE ANGLO-FRENCH SILLY WALK.
LA MARCHE FUTILE? BONJOUR.
COMME D'HABITUDE AU SUJET DU "LE MARCHE COMIQUE.
" ET MAINTENANT, JE VOUS PRESENTE, ENCORE UNE FOIS MON AMI, LE POUF CELEBRE, JEAN-BRIAN ZATAPATHIQUE.
MERCI, MON PETIT CHOUCHOU, BRIAN TRUBSHAWE.
ET MAINTENANT AVEC LE PIED A DROITE ET LE PIED A GAUCHE ET MAINTENANT L'ANGLAIS- FRANCAISE MARCHE FUTILE.
ET VOI LA! AND NOW A CHOICE OF VIEWING ON BBC TELEVISION: JUST STARTED ON BBC 2 THE SEMIFINAL OF EPISODE THREE OF KIERKEGAARD'S JOURNALS STARRING RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN, PEGGY MOUNTAND BILLY BREMNER.
AND ON BBC 1, ETHEL THE FROG.
GOOD EVENING.
ON ETHEL THE FROG TONIGHT, WE LOOK AT VIOLENCE THE VIOLENCE OF BRITISH GANGLAND.
LAST TUESDAY A REIGN OF TERROR WAS ENDED WHEN THE NOTORIOUS PIRANHA BROTHERS, DOUG AND DINSDALE AFTER ONE OF THE MOS EXTRAORDINARY TRIALS IN BRITISH LEGAL HISTORY WERE SENTENCED TO 400 YEARS' IMPRISONMEN FOR CRIMES OF VIOLENCE.
TONIGHT ETHEL THE FROG EXAMINES THE RISE TO POWER OF THE PIRANHAS THE METHODS THEY USED TO SUBJUGATE RIVAL GANGS AND THEIR SUBSEQUEN TRACKING DOWN AND CAPTURE BY THE BRILLIANT SUPERINTENDEN HARRY "SNAPPER" ORGANS OF "Q" DIVISION.
DOUG AND DINSDALE PIRANHA WERE BORN, ON PROBATION IN THIS HOUSE IN KIPLING ROAD, SOUTHWARK THE ELDEST SONS IN A FAMILY OF 16.
THEIR FATHER, ARTHUR PIRANHA A SCRAP METAL DEALER AND TV QUIZMASTER WAS WELL KNOWN TO THE POLICE AND A DEVOUT CATHOLIC.
IN JANUARY 1928, HE HAD MARRIED KITTY MALONE AN UP-AND-COMING EAST END BOXER.
DOUG WAS BORN IN FEBRUARY 1929 AND DINSDALE TWO WEEKS LATER AND AGAIN A WEEK AFTER THAT.
THEIR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR WAS MRS.
APRIL SIMNEL.
KIPLING ROAD WERE A TYPICAL SORT OF EAST END STREET.
PEOPLE WERE IN AND OU OF EACH OTHER'S HOUSES WITH EACH OTHER'S PROPERTY ALL DAY LONG.
THEY WERE A CHEERY LOT, THOUGH.
WAS IT A TERRIBLY VIOLENT AREA? YES, CHEERFUL AND VIOLENT.
I REMEMBER DOUG WAS VERY KEEN ON BOXING UNTIL HE LEARNED TO WALK.
THEN HE TOOK UP PUTTING THE BOOT IN THE GROIN.
OH, HE WAS VERY INTERESTED IN THAT.
HIS MOTHER USED TO HAVE SUCH TROUBLE GETTING HIM TO COME IN FOR HIS TEA.
HE'D BE OUT THERE PUTTING HIS LITTLE BOOT IN, YOU KNOW.
BLESS HIM.
BUT, YOU KNOW, KIDS WERE VERY DIFFERENT THEN.
THEY DIDN'T HAVE THEIR HEADS FILLED WITH ALL THIS CARTESIAN DUALISM.
AT THE AGE OF 15, DOUG AND DINSDALE STARTED ATTENDING THE ERNEST PYTHAGORAS PRIMARY SCHOOL IN CLERKENWELL.
ANTHONY VINEY YOU TAUGHT THE PIRANHA WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER MOST ABOUT THEM? ANTHONY VINEY.
WHEN THE PIRANHAS LEFT SCHOOL, THEY WERE CALLED UP BUT WERE FOUND BY AN ARMY BOARD TO BE TOO MENTALLY UNSTABLE EVEN FOR NATIONAL SERVICE.
DENIED THE OPPORTUNITY TO USE THEIR TALENTS IN THE SERVICE OF THEIR COUNTRY THEY BEGAN TO OPERATE WHA THEY CALLED "THE OPERATION.
" THEY WOULD SELECT A VICTIM AND THEN THREATEN TO BEAT HIM UP IF HE PAID THEM THE SO-CALLED PROTECTION MONEY.
FOUR MONTHS LATER, THEY STARTED ANOTHER OPERATION WHICH THEY CALLED "THE OTHER OPERATION.
" IN THIS RACKET, THEY SELECTED ANOTHER VICTIM AND THREATENED NOT TO BEA HIM UP IF HE DIDN'T PAY THEM.
ONE MONTH LATER, THEY HIT UPON "THE OTHER OTHER OPERATION.
" IN THIS, THE VICTIM WAS THREATENED THAT IF HE DIDN'T PAY THEM, THEY WOULD BEAT HIM UP.
THIS FOR THE PIRANHA BROTHERS WAS THE TURNING POINT.
DOUG AND DINSDALE PIRANHA NOW FORMED A GANG WHICH THEY CALLED "THE GANG" AND USED TERROR TO TAKE OVER NIGHTCLUBS, BILLIARD HALLS GAMING CASINOS AND RACE TRACKS.
WHEN THEY TRIED TO TAKE OVER THE M.
C.
C.
THEY WERE, FOR THE ONLY TIME IN THEIR LIVES, SLIT UP A TREAT.
AS THEIR EMPIRE SPREAD, HOWEVER WE IN "Q" DIVISION WERE KEEPING TABS ON THEIR EVERY MOVEMEN BY READING THE COLOR SUPPLEMENTS.
A SMALL-TIME OPERATOR WHO FELL FOUL OF DINSDALE PIRANHA WAS VINCE SNETTERTON-LEWIS.
WELL, ONE DAY I WAS SITTING AT HOME THREATENING THE KIDS AND I LOOKED OU OF THE HOLE IN THE WALL AND I SAW THIS TANK DRIVE UP AND ONE OF DINSDALE'S BOYS GETS OU AND HE COMES UP, ALL NICE AND FRIENDLY LIKE AND SAYS DINSDALE WANTS TO HAVE A TALK WITH ME.
SO HE CHAINS ME TO THE BACK OF THE TANK AND TAKES ME FOR A SCRAPE ROUND TO DINSDALE'S PLACE.
AND DINSDALE'S THERE IN THE CONVERSATION PI WITH DOUG AND CHARLES PAISLEY, THE BABY CRUSHER AND A COUPLE OF FILM PRODUCERS AND A MAN THEY CALLED KIERKEGAARD WHO JUST SAT THERE BITING THE HEADS OFF WHIPPETS.
AND DINSDALE SAID "I HEAR YOU'VE BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY, CLEMENT" AND HE SPLITS ME NOSTRILS OPEN AND SAWS ME LEG OFF AND PULLS ME LIVER OUT.
AND I SAID, "MY NAME'S NOT CLEMENT.
" AND THEN HE LOSES HIS TEMPER AND HE NAILS MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
HE NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR? AT FIRST, YEAH.
ANOTHER MAN WHO HAD HIS HEAD NAILED TO THE FLOOR WAS STIG O'TRACEY.
STIG, I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT DINSDALE PIRANHA NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
NO, NO, NEVER, NEVER.
HE WAS A SMASHING BLOKE.
HE USED TO GIVE HIS MOTHER FLOWERS AND THAT.
HE WAS LIKE A BROTHER TO ME.
BUT THE POLICE HAVE FILM OF DINSDALE ACTUALLY NAILING YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
OH, YEAH, WELL HE DID THAT, YEAH.
WHY? WELL, HE HAD TO, DIDN'T HE? I MEAN, BE FAIR.
THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE HE COULD DO.
I MEAN, I HAD TRANSGRESSED THE UNWRITTEN LAW.
WHAT HAD YOU DONE? UH WELL, HE NEVER TOLD ME THAT.
BUT HE GAVE ME HIS WORD THAT IT WAS THE CASE AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME WITH OLD DINSY.
I MEAN, HE DIDN'T WANT TO NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
I HAD TO INSIST.
HE WANTED TO LET ME OFF.
THERE'S NOTHING DINSDALE WOULDN'T DO FOR YOU.
AND YOU DON'T BEAR HIM ANY GRUDGE? A GRUDGE?! OLD DINSY? HE WAS A REAL DARLING.
I UNDERSTAND HE ALSO NAILED YOUR WIFE'S HEAD TO A COFFEE TABLE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MRS.
O'TRACEY? OH, NO, NO, NO.
YEAH, WELL, HE DID DO THAT.
YEAH, YEAH.
HE WAS A CRUEL MAN, BUT FAIR.
VINCE, AFTER HE NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR DID YOU EVER SEE HIM AGAIN? YEAH, AFTER THAT, I USED TO GO ROUND TO HIS FLA EVERY SUNDAY LUNCHTIME TO APOLOGIZE AND WE'D SHAKE HANDS, AND THEN HE'D NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
EVERY SUNDAY? YEAH, BUT HE WAS VERY REASONABLE ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, ONE SUNDAY WHEN MY PARENTS WERE COMING ROUND FOR TEA I ASKED HIM IF HE'D MIND VERY MUCH NOT NAILING MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR THAT WEEK AND HE AGREED AND JUST SCREWED MY PELVIS TO A CAKE STAND.
HE WAS THE ONLY FRIEND I EVER HAD.
I WOULDN' HEAR A WORD AGAINST HIM.
LOVELY FELLA.
CLEARLY DINSDALE INSPIRED TREMENDOUS LOYALTY AND TERROR AMONGST HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, BUT WHAT WAS HE REALLY LIKE? I WALKED OUT WITH DINSDALE ON MANY OCCASIONS AND FOUND HIM A MOST CHARMING AND ERUDITE COMPANION.
HE WAS WONT TO INTRODUCE ONE TO MANY EMINENT PERSONS CELEBRATED AMERICAN SINGERS, MEMBERS OF THE ARISTOCRACY AND OTHER GANG LEADERS.
HOW HAD HE MET THEM? THROUGH HIS WORK FOR CHARITY.
HE TOOK A WARM INTERES IN BOYS' CLUBS, SAILORS' HOMES CHORISTERS' ASSOCIATIONS, SCOUTING JAMBOREES AND, OF COURSE, THE HOUSEHOLD CAVALRY.
WAS THERE ANYTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT HIM? I SHOULD SAY NOT.
DINSDALE WAS A PERFECTLY NORMAL PERSON IN EVERY WAY EXCEPT EXCEPT INASMUCH AS HE WAS CONVINCED THAT HE WAS BEING WATCHED BY A GIANT HEDGEHOG WHOM HE REFERRED TO AS SPINY NORMAN.
HOW BIG WAS NORMAN SUPPOSED TO BE? NORMALLY HE WAS WONT TO BE ABOUT 12 FEET FROM SNOUT TO TAIL BUT WHEN DINSDALE WAS VERY DEPRESSED NORMAN COULD BE ANYTHING UP TO 800 YARDS LONG.
WHEN NORMAN WAS ABOUT, DINSDALE WOULD GO VERY QUIE AND HIS NOSE WOULD SWELL UP AND HIS TEETH WOULD STAR MOVING ABOU AND HE'D BECOME VERY VIOLEN AND CLAIM THAT HE'D LAID STANLEY BALDWIN.
DINSDALE WAS A GENTLEMAN.
AND WHAT'S MORE, HE KNEW HOW TO TREAT A FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.
IT'S EASY FOR US TO JUDGE DINSDALE PIRANHA TOO HARSHLY.
AFTER ALL, HE ONLY DID WHAT MOS OF US SIMPLY DREAM OF DOING.
I'M SORRY.
AFTER ALL, A MURDERER IS ONLY AN EXTROVERTED SUICIDE.
DINSDALE WAS A LOONY, BUT HE WAS A HAPPY LOONY.
LUCKY BASTARD.
MOST OF THESE STRANGE TALES CONCERN DINSDALE BUT WHAT OF DOUG? ONE MAN WHO MET HIM WAS LUIGI VERCOTTI.
WELL, I HAD BEEN RUNNING A SUCCESSFUL ESCORT AGENCY.
HIGH-CLASS NO, REALLY HIGH-CLASS GIRLS.
WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT.
THAT WAS RIGHT OUT.
AND I DECIDED EXCUSE ME.
HELLO? NO, NOT NOW.
SHTOOM, SHTOOM.
RIGHT, YES, WE'LL HAVE THE WATCH READY FOR YOU AT MIDNIGHT.
THE WATCH THE CHINESE WATCH.
YES, ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE MOTHER.
ANYWAY, I DECIDED THEN TO OPEN A HIGH-CLASS NIGHTCLUB FOR THE GENTRY AT BIGGLESWADE WITH INTERNATIONAL CUISINE COOKING, TOP-LINE ACTS AND NOT A CHEAP CLIP JOIN FOR PICKING UP TARTS.
THAT WAS RIGHT OUT, I DENY THAT COMPLETELY.
AND ONE NIGH DINSDALE WALKED IN WITH A COUPLE OF BIG LADS ONE OF WHOM WAS CARRYING A TACTICAL NUCLEAR MISSILE.
THEY SAID I'D BOUGHT ONE OF THEIR FRUIT MACHINES AND WOULD I PAY FOR IT.
HOW MUCH DID THEY WANT? THREE-QUARTERS OF A MILLION POUNDS.
THEN THEY WENT OUT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL FOR THE POLICE? WELL, I'D NOTICED THAT THE LAD WITH THE THERMONUCLEAR DEVICE WAS THE CHIEF CONSTABLE FOR THE AREA.
ANYWAY, A WEEK LATER THEY COME BACK SAID THAT THE CHECK HAD BOUNCED AND THAT I HAD TO SEE DOUG.
DOUG? DOUG.
I WAS TERRIFIED OF HIM.
EVERYONE WAS TERRIFIED OF DOUG.
I'VE SEEN GROWN MEN PULL THEIR OWN HEADS OFF RATHER THAN SEE DOUG.
EVEN DINSDALE WAS FRIGHTENED OF DOUG.
WHAT DID HE DO? HE USED SARCASM.
HE KNEW ALL THE TRICKS DRAMATIC IRONY, METAPHOR BATHOS, PUNS, PARODY, LITOTES AND SATIRE.
BY A COMBINATION OF VIOLENCE AND SARCASM THE PIRANHA BROTHERS, BY FEBRUARY 1966 CONTROLLED LONDON AND THE SOUTH EAST.
IN FEBRUARY, THOUGH, DINSDALE MADE A BIG MISTAKE.
LATELY, DINSDALE HAD BECOME INCREASINGLY WORRIED ABOUT SPINY NORMAN.
HE HAD COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT NORMAN SLEP IN AN AEROPLANE HANGAR AT LUTON AIRPORT.
AND SO, ON FEBRUARY 22, 1966, AT LUTON AIRPORT EVEN THE POLICE BEGAN TO SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE.
THE PIRANHAS REALIZED THEY HAD GONE TOO FAR AND THAT THE HUNT WAS ON.
THEY WENT INTO HIDING AND I DECIDED ON A SUBTLE APPROACH VIZ.
SOME FORM OF DISGUISE AS THE OLD HELMET AND BOOTS WERE A BIT OF A GIVEAWAY.
LUCKILY, MY YEARS WITH BRISTOL REP STOOD ME IN GOOD STEAD AS I ASSUMED A BEWILDERING VARIETY OF DISGUISES.
I TRACKED THEM TO CARDIFF POSING AS THE REVEREND SMILER EGRET.
HEARING THEY'D GONE BACK TO LONDON I ASSUMED THE IDENTITY OF A PORK BUTCHER, BRIAN STOATS.
ON MY ARRIVAL IN LONDON I DISCOVERED THEY HAD RETURNED TO CARDIFF.
I FOLLOWED AS GLOUCESTER FROM KING LEAR.
ACTING ON A HUNCH I SPENT SEVERAL MONTHS IN BUENOS AIRES AS BLIND PEW RETURNING THROUGH THE PANAMA CANAL AS RATTY IN TOAD OF TOAD HALL.
BACK IN CARDIFF, I RELIVED MY TRIUMPH AS SANCHO PANZA IN MAN OF LA MANCHA WHICH THE BRISTOL EVENING POS DESCRIBED AS "A GLITTERING PERFORMANCE OF RARE PERCEPTION" ALTHOUGH THE BATH CHRONICLE WAS LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC.
IN FACT, IT GAVE ME A RIGHT PANNING I QUOTE "AS FOR THE PERFORMANCE "OF SUPERINTENDEN HARRY 'SNAPPER' ORGANS "AS SANCHO PANZA "THE AUDIENCE WERE BEMUSED BY HIS HIGH-PITCHED WELSH ACCEN AND INTIMIDATED BY HIS ABUSIVE AD LIBS.
" THE WESTERN DAILY NEWS SAID "SANCHO PANZA "SPOILT AN OTHERWISE IMPECCABLY CHOREOGRAPHED RAPE SCENE "BY HIS UNSCHEDULED APPEARANCE AND PERSISTENT CRIES OF 'WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN? '" NEVER MIND, SNAPPER, LOVE.
YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL.
TRUE, CONSTABLE.
COULD I HAVE MY EYELINER, PLEASE? TELEGRAM FOR YOU, LOVE.
OH, GOOD-O.
BET IT'S FROM BINKIE.
THOSE FLOWERS ARE FOR SERGEANT LAUDERDALE FROM THE GENTLEMAN WAITING OUTSIDE.
OH, GOOD.
30 SECONDS, SUPERINTENDENT.
OH, BLIMEY, I'M ON.
IS ME HAT STRAIGHT, CONSTABLE? OH, IT'S FINE.
RIGHT, HERE WE GO THEN, HAWKINS.
OH, MERDE, SUPERINTENDENT.
GOOD LUCK, THEN.
READ ALL ABOUT IT! PIRANHA BROTHERS ESCAPE! DINSDALE? DINSDALE? DINSDALE? DINSDALE? DINSDALE! DINSDALE! DINSDALE! DINSDALE! WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, AND SO UNTIL NEXT WEEK
IT'S HELLO.
TONIGHT ON FACE THE PRESS, WE'RE GOING TO EXAMINE TWO DIFFERENT VIEWS OF CONTEMPORARY THINGS.
ON MY LEFT IS THE MINISTER FOR HOME AFFAIRS WHO IS WEARING A STRIKING ORGANZA DRESS IN PINK TULLE WITH MATCHING PEARLS AND A DIAMANTE COLLAR NECKLACE.
THE SHOES ARE IN BRUSHED PIGSKIN WITH GOLD CLASPS BY MAXWELL OF BOND STREET.
THE HAIR IS BY ROGER, AND THE WHOLE ENSEMBLE IS CROWNED BY A SPECTACULAR DISPLAY OF CHRISTMAS ORCHIDS.
AND ON MY RIGH PUTTING THE CASE AGAINST THE GOVERNMEN IS A SMALL PATCH OF BROWN LIQUID.
WHICH COULD BE CREOSOTE OR SOME EXTRAC USED IN INDUSTRIAL VARNISHING.
GOOD EVENING.
MINISTER, MAY I PU THE FIRST QUESTION TO YOU? IN YOUR PLAN "A BETTER BRITAIN FOR US" YOU CLAIMED THAT YOU WOULD BUILD 88,000 MILLION BILLION HOUSES A YEAR IN THE GREATER LONDON AREA ALONE.
IN FACT, YOU'VE BUIL ONLY THREE IN THE LAST 15 YEARS.
ARE YOU A BIT DISAPPOINTED WITH THIS RESULT? NO, NO.
I'D LIKE TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION, IF I MAY, IN TWO WAYS: FIRSTLY IN MY NORMAL VOICE AND THEN IN A KIND OF SILLY HIGH-PITCHED WHINE.
YOU SEE, HOUSING IS A PROBLEM REALLY WELL, WHILE THE MINISTER IS ANSWERING THIS QUESTION I'D JUST LIKE TO POINT OU THE MINISTER'S DRESS HAS BEEN MADE ENTIRELY BY HAND FROM OVER 300 PIECES OF ARABIAN SHOT SILK ESPECIALLY CREATED FOR THE MINISTER BY VARGAR'S OF PARIS.
THE LOW SLIM-LINE HAS BEEN CU OFF THE SHOULDER TO HEIGHTEN THE EFFECT OF THE MINISTER'S FINE BONE STRUCTURE.
I THINK THE MINISTER IS COMING TO THE END OF HIS ANSWER NOW SO LET'S GO BACK OVER AND JOIN THE DISCUSSION.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MINISTER.
TODAY SAW THE APPOINTMEN OF A NEW HEAD OF DON'T I SAY ANY MORE? NO FEAR.
TODAY SAW THE APPOINTMEN OF A NEW HEAD OF ALLIED BOMBER COMMAND AIR CHIEF MARSHALL SIR VINCEN "KILL THE JAPS" FORSTER.
HE'S IN OUR BIRMINGHAM STUDIO.
Hello, sailors! Listen, guess what.
The Ministerette of Aviation has made me Head of the R.
A.
F.
Ola Pola HELLO MRS.
ROGERS? NO OH, I MUST BE IN THE WRONG HOUSE.
OOH So from now on, we're going to do things my way.
For a start, David Hockney is going to design the bombs THAT MUST BE THE NEW GAS COOKER.
MORNING.
MRS.
G.
CRUMP? NO, MRS.
G.
PINNET.
THIS IS 46 EGERNON CRESCENT? NO, ROAD, EGERNON ROAD.
ROAD, YES, SAYS HERE, YEAH.
RIGHT, COULD I SPEAK TO MRS.
G.
CRUMP, PLEASE? OH, THERE'S NOBODY HERE OF THAT NAME.
IT'S MRS.
G.
PINNET, 46 EGERNON ROAD.
IT SAYS "CRUMP" HERE, DON'T IT, HARRY? IT'S ON THE INVOICE.
DEFINITELY "CRUMP.
" THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE BECAUSE THE ADDRESS IS RIGH AND THAT'S DEFINITELY THE COOKER I ORDERED A BLUE AND WHITE COOKEASI.
WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS.
THIS IS CRUMP.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WE CAN TAKE IT BACK GET A TRANSFER SLIP FROM CRUMP TO PINNE AND PUT IT ON A SPECIAL DELIVERY.
THAT'S BEST WE'LL SPECIAL IT FOR YOU.
WE'LL GET I DOWN THERE TODAY.
YOU'LL GET IT BACK IN TEN WEEKS.
TEN WEEKS?! CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE THIS ONE? WHAT, THIS? WHAT, LEAVE IT HERE? YES.
WELL, I DUNNO.
I SUPPOSE WE COULD.
OH, BUT SHE'D HAVE TO FILL OU A TEMPORARY DISPATCH NOTE.
YEAH, WE COULD LEAVE I ON A TEMPORARY DISPATCH NOTE.
THAT'S SORTED OUT, THEN.
WHAT A MESS, ISN'T IT? I KNOW IT'S RIDICULOUS, REALLY BUT THERE YOU ARE.
GLAD WE COULD BE OF SUCH A HELP.
SIGN IT DOWN THERE, PLEASE, MRS.
CRUMP.
PINNET.
LISTEN, JUS FOR THE BOOKS MAKE IT A BIT EASIER COULD YOU SIGN I "CRUMP-PINNET"? RIGHT.
RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DEAR.
THE COOKER'S YOURS.
YEAH, HERE WE GO.
RIGHT.
SORRY ABOU THE BOTHER BUT THERE YOU ARE, YOU KNOW, CHEERIO! CHEERIO, MRS.
CRUMP! HEY, EXCUSE ME.
COOEY! UH, CAN YOU PUT I IN THE KITCHEN? YOU WHAT? WELL, I CAN' COOK ON I UNLESS IT'S CONNECTED UP.
WE DIDN' REALIZE YOU HAD AN INSTALLATION INVOICE.
AN M.
I.
NO, WE CAN'T TOUCH I WITHOUT AN M.
I.
OR AN R16.
IF IT'S A SPECIAL.
NO, IT'S NOT SPECIAL.
THAT'S BACK AT THE DEPOT.
NO, THE SPECIAL'S THE SAME AS INSTALLATION INVOICE.
WHAT'S AN INSTALLATION INVOICE? A PINK FORM FROM READING.
OH, WE WONDERED WHAT THAT WAS.
NOW, THESE ARE THE FORMS.
THAT'S THE ONE, LOVE.
YEAH, THIS SHOULD BE ALL I NEED.
HANG ON, THIS IS FOR PINNET MRS.
G.
PINNET.
THAT'S RIGHT, I'M MRS.
G.
PINNET.
WELL WE'VE GOT "CRUMP- PINNET" ON THE INVOICE.
WELL, SHALL I SIGN I "CRUMP-PINNET," THEN? NO, NO, NO, NOT AN M.
I.
, NO.
NO, THAT'S FROM AREA SERVICE AT READING.
NO, CHELTENHAM, ISN'T IT? NO, NOT THIS SIDE OF THE STREET.
LOOK, I JUST WANT I CONNECTED UP.
WHAT ABOU LONDON OFFICE? NO, THEY HAVEN' GOT THE MACHINERY.
NOT NOW.
WHAT, THE HOUNSLOW DEPOT? NO, THEY'RE STILL ON STANDARD PRESSURE.
SAME WITH TWICKENHAM.
BUT SURELY THEY CAN CONNECT UP A GAS COOKER.
OH, YEAH, BUT NOT UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
WELL, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
IT'S NOT; AN EMERGENCY IS 290 "WHERE THERE IS ACTUAL OR APPARENT LOSS OF COMBUSTIBLE GASEOUS SUBSTANCES.
" YEAH, IT'S LIKE A LEAK.
OR A 478.
NO, THAT'S VALVE ADJUSTMENT.
BUT THERE CAN'T BE A LEAK UNLESS YOU'VE CONNECTED IT UP.
NO, QUITE.
WE'D HAVE TO TURN IT ON.
WELL, CAN'T YOU TURN IT ON AND CONNEC IT UP? NO, BUT WHA WE CAN DO AND THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME; I SHOULDN'T REALLY BE TELLING YOU THIS WE'LL TURN YOUR GAS ON MAKE A HOLE IN YOUR PIPE YOU RING HOUNSLOW EMERGENCY THEY'LL BE ROUND HERE IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
WHAT, A HOUSE FULL OF GAS? I'LL BE DEAD BY THEN! OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE YOU'D HAVE THE SOUTHEAST AREA MANAGER ROUND HERE LIKE A SHOT.
REALLY? AH, YES.
"ONE OR MORE PERSONS OVERCOME BY FUMES" YOU'D HAVE HEAD OFFICE, HOLBORN, ROUND HERE.
REALLY? YEAH, THAT'S MURDER, YOU SEE.
OR SUICIDE.
NO, THAT'S S42.
OH.
STILL? I THOUGHT IT WAS HAINAULT.
NO, CENTRAL AREA AND SOUTHALL MARKETING DIVISION THEY'RE BOTH ON THE S42 NOW.
AND THEY'D BE ABLE TO CONNECT IT UP? OH, THEY'D DO THE LO FOR YOU, LOVE.
AND THEY'D COME ROUND THIS AFTERNOON? WELL, WHAT IS I NOW, 11:30? MURDER THEY'LL BE ROUND HERE BY 2:00.
OH, WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
OH, RIGHT, LOVE, IF YOU'D LIKE TO LIE DOWN HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, HARRY! OKAY, GAS ON.
RIGHT, DEEP BREATHS, LOVE.
RING HEAD OFFICE, WOULD YOU, NORMAN? SHALL I GO THROUGH MAINTENANCE? NO, YOU'D BETTER GO THROUGH DEPTFORD MAINTENANCE.
PECKHAM'S ON A 207.
THAT'S LEWISHAM, ISN'T IT WHAT ABOUT TOTTENHAM? NO, THAT'D BE A 5-4.
WHAT ABOU LEWISHAM? IT'S CENTRAL, ISN'T IT? YES, OR RUISLIP.
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
CAN I HELP YOU? HELP ME? YEAH, I'LL SAY YOU CAN HELP ME.
YES, SIR? I COME ABOUT YOUR ADVER "SMALL WHITE PUSSY CAT FOR SALE.
EXCELLENT CONDITION.
" AH, YOU WISH TO BUY IT? THAT'S RIGHT JUST FOR THE HOUR.
ONLY I AIN'T GONNA PAY MORE'N A FIVER 'CAUSE IT AIN'T WORTH IT.
IT'S COME FROM A VERY GOOD HOME.
IT'S HOUSE TRAINED.
"CHEST OF DRAWERS" CHEST DRAWERS.
I'D LIKE SOME CHEST OF DRAWERS, PLEASE.
YES, SIR.
DOES IT GO? IT'S OVER THERE IN THE CORNER.
"PRAM FOR SALE ANY OFFERS.
" I'D LIKE A BIT OF PRAM, PLEASE.
AH, YES, SIR.
THAT'S IN GOOD CONDITION.
OH, GOOD I LIKE THEM IN GOOD CONDITION, EH? HERE IT IS, YOU SEE.
"BABY-SITTER.
" NO, IT'S A BABY-SITTER.
BABY-SITTER? BABY-SITTER.
BABY-SITTER I DON'T WANT A BABY-SITTER.
"BE A BLOOD DONOR," THAT'S IT.
I'D LIKE TO GIVE SOME BLOOD, PLEASE WHAA! OH, SPIT, WHICH ONE IS IT? "BLONDE PROSTITUTE WILL INDULGE IN ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY FOR FOUR QUID A WEEK.
" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? TIMES, PLEASE.
OH, YES, SIR, HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU.
CHEERS.
GOOD MORNING.
I'M SORRY TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING BUT I'M AFRAID MY MY WALK HAS BECOME RATHER SILLIER RECENTLY AND SO IT TAKES ME RATHER LONGER TO GET TO WORK.
NOW THEN, WHAT WAS IT AGAIN? WELL, SIR, I HAVE A SILLY WALK AND I'D LIKE TO OBTAIN A GOVERNMENT GRAN TO HELP ME DEVELOP IT.
I SEE.
MAY I SEE YOUR SILLY WALK? YES, CERTAINLY, YES.
THAT'S IT, IS IT? YES, THAT'S IT, YES.
MM-HMM, IT'S NO PARTICULARLY SILLY, IS IT? I MEAN, THE RIGHT LEG ISN'T SILLY AT ALL AND THE LEFT LEG MERELY DOES A FORWARD AERIAL HALF TURN EVERY ALTERNATE STEP.
YES, BUT WITH GOVERNMENT BACKING I COULD MAKE IT VERY SILLY.
MR.
PUDEY, THE VERY REAL PROBLEM IS ONE OF MONEY.
I'M AFRAID THAT THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS IS NO LONGER GETTING THE KIND OF SUPPORT IT NEEDS.
YOU SEE, THERE'S DEFENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY HEALTH, HOUSING, EDUCATION, SILLY WALKS THEY'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO GET THE SAME.
BUT LAST YEAR, THE GOVERNMEN SPENT LESS ON THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS THAN IT DID ON NATIONAL DEFENSE.
NOW, WE GE £348 MILLION A YEAR WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPEN ON ALL OUR AVAILABLE PRODUCTS.
UH, COFFEE? YES, PLEASE.
UH, MRS.
TWO-LUMPS WOULD YOU BRING US IN TWO COFFEES, PLEASE? Yes, Mr.
Teabag.
OUT OF HER MIND.
NOW, THE JAPANESE HAVE A MAN WHO CAN BEND HIS LEG BACK OVER HIS HEAD AND BACK AGAIN WITH EVERY SINGLE STEP, WHILE THE ISRAELIS AH, HERE'S THE COFFEE.
THANK YOU LOVELY.
YOU'RE REALLY INTERESTED IN SILLY WALKS, AREN'T YOU? OH, RATHER.
WELL, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, THEN.
MR.
PUDEY I'M NOT GOING TO MINCE WORDS WITH YOU.
I'M GOING TO OFFER YOU A RESEARCH FELLOWSHIP ON THE ANGLO-FRENCH SILLY WALK.
LA MARCHE FUTILE? BONJOUR.
COMME D'HABITUDE AU SUJET DU "LE MARCHE COMIQUE.
" ET MAINTENANT, JE VOUS PRESENTE, ENCORE UNE FOIS MON AMI, LE POUF CELEBRE, JEAN-BRIAN ZATAPATHIQUE.
MERCI, MON PETIT CHOUCHOU, BRIAN TRUBSHAWE.
ET MAINTENANT AVEC LE PIED A DROITE ET LE PIED A GAUCHE ET MAINTENANT L'ANGLAIS- FRANCAISE MARCHE FUTILE.
ET VOI LA! AND NOW A CHOICE OF VIEWING ON BBC TELEVISION: JUST STARTED ON BBC 2 THE SEMIFINAL OF EPISODE THREE OF KIERKEGAARD'S JOURNALS STARRING RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN, PEGGY MOUNTAND BILLY BREMNER.
AND ON BBC 1, ETHEL THE FROG.
GOOD EVENING.
ON ETHEL THE FROG TONIGHT, WE LOOK AT VIOLENCE THE VIOLENCE OF BRITISH GANGLAND.
LAST TUESDAY A REIGN OF TERROR WAS ENDED WHEN THE NOTORIOUS PIRANHA BROTHERS, DOUG AND DINSDALE AFTER ONE OF THE MOS EXTRAORDINARY TRIALS IN BRITISH LEGAL HISTORY WERE SENTENCED TO 400 YEARS' IMPRISONMEN FOR CRIMES OF VIOLENCE.
TONIGHT ETHEL THE FROG EXAMINES THE RISE TO POWER OF THE PIRANHAS THE METHODS THEY USED TO SUBJUGATE RIVAL GANGS AND THEIR SUBSEQUEN TRACKING DOWN AND CAPTURE BY THE BRILLIANT SUPERINTENDEN HARRY "SNAPPER" ORGANS OF "Q" DIVISION.
DOUG AND DINSDALE PIRANHA WERE BORN, ON PROBATION IN THIS HOUSE IN KIPLING ROAD, SOUTHWARK THE ELDEST SONS IN A FAMILY OF 16.
THEIR FATHER, ARTHUR PIRANHA A SCRAP METAL DEALER AND TV QUIZMASTER WAS WELL KNOWN TO THE POLICE AND A DEVOUT CATHOLIC.
IN JANUARY 1928, HE HAD MARRIED KITTY MALONE AN UP-AND-COMING EAST END BOXER.
DOUG WAS BORN IN FEBRUARY 1929 AND DINSDALE TWO WEEKS LATER AND AGAIN A WEEK AFTER THAT.
THEIR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR WAS MRS.
APRIL SIMNEL.
KIPLING ROAD WERE A TYPICAL SORT OF EAST END STREET.
PEOPLE WERE IN AND OU OF EACH OTHER'S HOUSES WITH EACH OTHER'S PROPERTY ALL DAY LONG.
THEY WERE A CHEERY LOT, THOUGH.
WAS IT A TERRIBLY VIOLENT AREA? YES, CHEERFUL AND VIOLENT.
I REMEMBER DOUG WAS VERY KEEN ON BOXING UNTIL HE LEARNED TO WALK.
THEN HE TOOK UP PUTTING THE BOOT IN THE GROIN.
OH, HE WAS VERY INTERESTED IN THAT.
HIS MOTHER USED TO HAVE SUCH TROUBLE GETTING HIM TO COME IN FOR HIS TEA.
HE'D BE OUT THERE PUTTING HIS LITTLE BOOT IN, YOU KNOW.
BLESS HIM.
BUT, YOU KNOW, KIDS WERE VERY DIFFERENT THEN.
THEY DIDN'T HAVE THEIR HEADS FILLED WITH ALL THIS CARTESIAN DUALISM.
AT THE AGE OF 15, DOUG AND DINSDALE STARTED ATTENDING THE ERNEST PYTHAGORAS PRIMARY SCHOOL IN CLERKENWELL.
ANTHONY VINEY YOU TAUGHT THE PIRANHA WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER MOST ABOUT THEM? ANTHONY VINEY.
WHEN THE PIRANHAS LEFT SCHOOL, THEY WERE CALLED UP BUT WERE FOUND BY AN ARMY BOARD TO BE TOO MENTALLY UNSTABLE EVEN FOR NATIONAL SERVICE.
DENIED THE OPPORTUNITY TO USE THEIR TALENTS IN THE SERVICE OF THEIR COUNTRY THEY BEGAN TO OPERATE WHA THEY CALLED "THE OPERATION.
" THEY WOULD SELECT A VICTIM AND THEN THREATEN TO BEAT HIM UP IF HE PAID THEM THE SO-CALLED PROTECTION MONEY.
FOUR MONTHS LATER, THEY STARTED ANOTHER OPERATION WHICH THEY CALLED "THE OTHER OPERATION.
" IN THIS RACKET, THEY SELECTED ANOTHER VICTIM AND THREATENED NOT TO BEA HIM UP IF HE DIDN'T PAY THEM.
ONE MONTH LATER, THEY HIT UPON "THE OTHER OTHER OPERATION.
" IN THIS, THE VICTIM WAS THREATENED THAT IF HE DIDN'T PAY THEM, THEY WOULD BEAT HIM UP.
THIS FOR THE PIRANHA BROTHERS WAS THE TURNING POINT.
DOUG AND DINSDALE PIRANHA NOW FORMED A GANG WHICH THEY CALLED "THE GANG" AND USED TERROR TO TAKE OVER NIGHTCLUBS, BILLIARD HALLS GAMING CASINOS AND RACE TRACKS.
WHEN THEY TRIED TO TAKE OVER THE M.
C.
C.
THEY WERE, FOR THE ONLY TIME IN THEIR LIVES, SLIT UP A TREAT.
AS THEIR EMPIRE SPREAD, HOWEVER WE IN "Q" DIVISION WERE KEEPING TABS ON THEIR EVERY MOVEMEN BY READING THE COLOR SUPPLEMENTS.
A SMALL-TIME OPERATOR WHO FELL FOUL OF DINSDALE PIRANHA WAS VINCE SNETTERTON-LEWIS.
WELL, ONE DAY I WAS SITTING AT HOME THREATENING THE KIDS AND I LOOKED OU OF THE HOLE IN THE WALL AND I SAW THIS TANK DRIVE UP AND ONE OF DINSDALE'S BOYS GETS OU AND HE COMES UP, ALL NICE AND FRIENDLY LIKE AND SAYS DINSDALE WANTS TO HAVE A TALK WITH ME.
SO HE CHAINS ME TO THE BACK OF THE TANK AND TAKES ME FOR A SCRAPE ROUND TO DINSDALE'S PLACE.
AND DINSDALE'S THERE IN THE CONVERSATION PI WITH DOUG AND CHARLES PAISLEY, THE BABY CRUSHER AND A COUPLE OF FILM PRODUCERS AND A MAN THEY CALLED KIERKEGAARD WHO JUST SAT THERE BITING THE HEADS OFF WHIPPETS.
AND DINSDALE SAID "I HEAR YOU'VE BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY, CLEMENT" AND HE SPLITS ME NOSTRILS OPEN AND SAWS ME LEG OFF AND PULLS ME LIVER OUT.
AND I SAID, "MY NAME'S NOT CLEMENT.
" AND THEN HE LOSES HIS TEMPER AND HE NAILS MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
HE NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR? AT FIRST, YEAH.
ANOTHER MAN WHO HAD HIS HEAD NAILED TO THE FLOOR WAS STIG O'TRACEY.
STIG, I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT DINSDALE PIRANHA NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
NO, NO, NEVER, NEVER.
HE WAS A SMASHING BLOKE.
HE USED TO GIVE HIS MOTHER FLOWERS AND THAT.
HE WAS LIKE A BROTHER TO ME.
BUT THE POLICE HAVE FILM OF DINSDALE ACTUALLY NAILING YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
OH, YEAH, WELL HE DID THAT, YEAH.
WHY? WELL, HE HAD TO, DIDN'T HE? I MEAN, BE FAIR.
THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE HE COULD DO.
I MEAN, I HAD TRANSGRESSED THE UNWRITTEN LAW.
WHAT HAD YOU DONE? UH WELL, HE NEVER TOLD ME THAT.
BUT HE GAVE ME HIS WORD THAT IT WAS THE CASE AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME WITH OLD DINSY.
I MEAN, HE DIDN'T WANT TO NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
I HAD TO INSIST.
HE WANTED TO LET ME OFF.
THERE'S NOTHING DINSDALE WOULDN'T DO FOR YOU.
AND YOU DON'T BEAR HIM ANY GRUDGE? A GRUDGE?! OLD DINSY? HE WAS A REAL DARLING.
I UNDERSTAND HE ALSO NAILED YOUR WIFE'S HEAD TO A COFFEE TABLE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MRS.
O'TRACEY? OH, NO, NO, NO.
YEAH, WELL, HE DID DO THAT.
YEAH, YEAH.
HE WAS A CRUEL MAN, BUT FAIR.
VINCE, AFTER HE NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR DID YOU EVER SEE HIM AGAIN? YEAH, AFTER THAT, I USED TO GO ROUND TO HIS FLA EVERY SUNDAY LUNCHTIME TO APOLOGIZE AND WE'D SHAKE HANDS, AND THEN HE'D NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR.
EVERY SUNDAY? YEAH, BUT HE WAS VERY REASONABLE ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, ONE SUNDAY WHEN MY PARENTS WERE COMING ROUND FOR TEA I ASKED HIM IF HE'D MIND VERY MUCH NOT NAILING MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR THAT WEEK AND HE AGREED AND JUST SCREWED MY PELVIS TO A CAKE STAND.
HE WAS THE ONLY FRIEND I EVER HAD.
I WOULDN' HEAR A WORD AGAINST HIM.
LOVELY FELLA.
CLEARLY DINSDALE INSPIRED TREMENDOUS LOYALTY AND TERROR AMONGST HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, BUT WHAT WAS HE REALLY LIKE? I WALKED OUT WITH DINSDALE ON MANY OCCASIONS AND FOUND HIM A MOST CHARMING AND ERUDITE COMPANION.
HE WAS WONT TO INTRODUCE ONE TO MANY EMINENT PERSONS CELEBRATED AMERICAN SINGERS, MEMBERS OF THE ARISTOCRACY AND OTHER GANG LEADERS.
HOW HAD HE MET THEM? THROUGH HIS WORK FOR CHARITY.
HE TOOK A WARM INTERES IN BOYS' CLUBS, SAILORS' HOMES CHORISTERS' ASSOCIATIONS, SCOUTING JAMBOREES AND, OF COURSE, THE HOUSEHOLD CAVALRY.
WAS THERE ANYTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT HIM? I SHOULD SAY NOT.
DINSDALE WAS A PERFECTLY NORMAL PERSON IN EVERY WAY EXCEPT EXCEPT INASMUCH AS HE WAS CONVINCED THAT HE WAS BEING WATCHED BY A GIANT HEDGEHOG WHOM HE REFERRED TO AS SPINY NORMAN.
HOW BIG WAS NORMAN SUPPOSED TO BE? NORMALLY HE WAS WONT TO BE ABOUT 12 FEET FROM SNOUT TO TAIL BUT WHEN DINSDALE WAS VERY DEPRESSED NORMAN COULD BE ANYTHING UP TO 800 YARDS LONG.
WHEN NORMAN WAS ABOUT, DINSDALE WOULD GO VERY QUIE AND HIS NOSE WOULD SWELL UP AND HIS TEETH WOULD STAR MOVING ABOU AND HE'D BECOME VERY VIOLEN AND CLAIM THAT HE'D LAID STANLEY BALDWIN.
DINSDALE WAS A GENTLEMAN.
AND WHAT'S MORE, HE KNEW HOW TO TREAT A FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.
IT'S EASY FOR US TO JUDGE DINSDALE PIRANHA TOO HARSHLY.
AFTER ALL, HE ONLY DID WHAT MOS OF US SIMPLY DREAM OF DOING.
I'M SORRY.
AFTER ALL, A MURDERER IS ONLY AN EXTROVERTED SUICIDE.
DINSDALE WAS A LOONY, BUT HE WAS A HAPPY LOONY.
LUCKY BASTARD.
MOST OF THESE STRANGE TALES CONCERN DINSDALE BUT WHAT OF DOUG? ONE MAN WHO MET HIM WAS LUIGI VERCOTTI.
WELL, I HAD BEEN RUNNING A SUCCESSFUL ESCORT AGENCY.
HIGH-CLASS NO, REALLY HIGH-CLASS GIRLS.
WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT.
THAT WAS RIGHT OUT.
AND I DECIDED EXCUSE ME.
HELLO? NO, NOT NOW.
SHTOOM, SHTOOM.
RIGHT, YES, WE'LL HAVE THE WATCH READY FOR YOU AT MIDNIGHT.
THE WATCH THE CHINESE WATCH.
YES, ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE MOTHER.
ANYWAY, I DECIDED THEN TO OPEN A HIGH-CLASS NIGHTCLUB FOR THE GENTRY AT BIGGLESWADE WITH INTERNATIONAL CUISINE COOKING, TOP-LINE ACTS AND NOT A CHEAP CLIP JOIN FOR PICKING UP TARTS.
THAT WAS RIGHT OUT, I DENY THAT COMPLETELY.
AND ONE NIGH DINSDALE WALKED IN WITH A COUPLE OF BIG LADS ONE OF WHOM WAS CARRYING A TACTICAL NUCLEAR MISSILE.
THEY SAID I'D BOUGHT ONE OF THEIR FRUIT MACHINES AND WOULD I PAY FOR IT.
HOW MUCH DID THEY WANT? THREE-QUARTERS OF A MILLION POUNDS.
THEN THEY WENT OUT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL FOR THE POLICE? WELL, I'D NOTICED THAT THE LAD WITH THE THERMONUCLEAR DEVICE WAS THE CHIEF CONSTABLE FOR THE AREA.
ANYWAY, A WEEK LATER THEY COME BACK SAID THAT THE CHECK HAD BOUNCED AND THAT I HAD TO SEE DOUG.
DOUG? DOUG.
I WAS TERRIFIED OF HIM.
EVERYONE WAS TERRIFIED OF DOUG.
I'VE SEEN GROWN MEN PULL THEIR OWN HEADS OFF RATHER THAN SEE DOUG.
EVEN DINSDALE WAS FRIGHTENED OF DOUG.
WHAT DID HE DO? HE USED SARCASM.
HE KNEW ALL THE TRICKS DRAMATIC IRONY, METAPHOR BATHOS, PUNS, PARODY, LITOTES AND SATIRE.
BY A COMBINATION OF VIOLENCE AND SARCASM THE PIRANHA BROTHERS, BY FEBRUARY 1966 CONTROLLED LONDON AND THE SOUTH EAST.
IN FEBRUARY, THOUGH, DINSDALE MADE A BIG MISTAKE.
LATELY, DINSDALE HAD BECOME INCREASINGLY WORRIED ABOUT SPINY NORMAN.
HE HAD COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT NORMAN SLEP IN AN AEROPLANE HANGAR AT LUTON AIRPORT.
AND SO, ON FEBRUARY 22, 1966, AT LUTON AIRPORT EVEN THE POLICE BEGAN TO SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE.
THE PIRANHAS REALIZED THEY HAD GONE TOO FAR AND THAT THE HUNT WAS ON.
THEY WENT INTO HIDING AND I DECIDED ON A SUBTLE APPROACH VIZ.
SOME FORM OF DISGUISE AS THE OLD HELMET AND BOOTS WERE A BIT OF A GIVEAWAY.
LUCKILY, MY YEARS WITH BRISTOL REP STOOD ME IN GOOD STEAD AS I ASSUMED A BEWILDERING VARIETY OF DISGUISES.
I TRACKED THEM TO CARDIFF POSING AS THE REVEREND SMILER EGRET.
HEARING THEY'D GONE BACK TO LONDON I ASSUMED THE IDENTITY OF A PORK BUTCHER, BRIAN STOATS.
ON MY ARRIVAL IN LONDON I DISCOVERED THEY HAD RETURNED TO CARDIFF.
I FOLLOWED AS GLOUCESTER FROM KING LEAR.
ACTING ON A HUNCH I SPENT SEVERAL MONTHS IN BUENOS AIRES AS BLIND PEW RETURNING THROUGH THE PANAMA CANAL AS RATTY IN TOAD OF TOAD HALL.
BACK IN CARDIFF, I RELIVED MY TRIUMPH AS SANCHO PANZA IN MAN OF LA MANCHA WHICH THE BRISTOL EVENING POS DESCRIBED AS "A GLITTERING PERFORMANCE OF RARE PERCEPTION" ALTHOUGH THE BATH CHRONICLE WAS LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC.
IN FACT, IT GAVE ME A RIGHT PANNING I QUOTE "AS FOR THE PERFORMANCE "OF SUPERINTENDEN HARRY 'SNAPPER' ORGANS "AS SANCHO PANZA "THE AUDIENCE WERE BEMUSED BY HIS HIGH-PITCHED WELSH ACCEN AND INTIMIDATED BY HIS ABUSIVE AD LIBS.
" THE WESTERN DAILY NEWS SAID "SANCHO PANZA "SPOILT AN OTHERWISE IMPECCABLY CHOREOGRAPHED RAPE SCENE "BY HIS UNSCHEDULED APPEARANCE AND PERSISTENT CRIES OF 'WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN? '" NEVER MIND, SNAPPER, LOVE.
YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL.
TRUE, CONSTABLE.
COULD I HAVE MY EYELINER, PLEASE? TELEGRAM FOR YOU, LOVE.
OH, GOOD-O.
BET IT'S FROM BINKIE.
THOSE FLOWERS ARE FOR SERGEANT LAUDERDALE FROM THE GENTLEMAN WAITING OUTSIDE.
OH, GOOD.
30 SECONDS, SUPERINTENDENT.
OH, BLIMEY, I'M ON.
IS ME HAT STRAIGHT, CONSTABLE? OH, IT'S FINE.
RIGHT, HERE WE GO THEN, HAWKINS.
OH, MERDE, SUPERINTENDENT.
GOOD LUCK, THEN.
READ ALL ABOUT IT! PIRANHA BROTHERS ESCAPE! DINSDALE? DINSDALE? DINSDALE? DINSDALE? DINSDALE! DINSDALE! DINSDALE! DINSDALE! WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, AND SO UNTIL NEXT WEEK