Mr. Mayor (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

We did it! A year ago, we said we were gonna tackle L.
A's traffic problems.
And today we now have completed citywide, dedicated bus lanes.
What do we want? Bus lanes! When do we want them? We got 'em.
Now I could rest on my laurels, but I'm not a rest-on-my-laurels guy.
And I know that like this bus lane that currently ends in Burbank, we can go further.
California is the innovation capital of the world the Ryan Murphy Cinematic Universe.
These are all homegrown ideas.
So I have hand-picked a new team of California's sharpest minds to form the Mayor's Office of Innovation.
Housing, jobs, health, tourism let's get innovative, L.
A.
Get out of my dreams and onto that bus.
Those passengers are gonna be on the beach in seven minutes.
That's too fast! Have you sussed out these innovation consultants yet? Some of these guys have necks and chins.
Oh, God.
Is that how low my bar is? Yes, and none of them have any old tweets with the words [BLEEP.]
, [BLEEP.]
, or [BLEEP.]
in them, which is how low my bar is.
Finally, some Gen Z energy in this place.
For real.
You know how I had to beg Neil to stop setting up conference calls and use Slack.
He still calls it "Slacks.
" And he calls pants "trousers," and what are "dungarees"? I mean, after a certain age, the human brain just can't learn.
- No offense, Arpi.
- I just can't believe you're excited that these people are gonna come in and tell us how to innovate.
We innovate.
This was like bringing in a poop-throwing consultant to teach the chimps.
This expert comes in for a month and he's gonna be like, "What if you threw some so it sticks to the glass?" Oh, thanks.
We never thought of that.
You know, I was recruited by some consulting firms out of law school, but I was like, no.
I want to be a part of American democracy ending.
Ah, this guy is wearing an MIT sweatshirt with the arms cut off and he's pulling it off.
New best friends! - New boyfriend! - New best friends! - New boyfriend! - New best friends! - New boyfriend! - New best friends! Oh! Now this is a presentation.
Put these on.
At Impactium Consulting, we believe in dreaming bigger, living larger - What is that? - And soaring higher.
No! Ah! He's got me in his beak! Welcome, everyone.
You can take your headsets off.
Look at oh, that's amazing! What are you doing, man? Get up off the floor.
- I didn't - Hi, I'm James.
And this is the I-Team.
And we're so excited to get started.
I hope you all enjoyed hang gliding over Los Angeles.
Now did any of you notice Ellen DeGeneres smiling at the top of Runyon? That was added digitally the smile, I mean.
My video was a velociraptor.
You must've pressed the wrong button.
James, James, what are we gonna start with? Driverless cars? Tacos that travel? Come on, let's disrupt.
Absolutely, Mr.
Mayor, but we've learned that innovation starts from within.
So the first thing we'll do is just spend the day shadowing the staff, watching how you do things.
Right 'cause you've been here for an hour, so you'd know what we're doing wrong.
Well, you know, we really just want to get a feel for the place.
Hey, man, would you mind just standing back over there? For example, I would love to know who's got you guys using Slack, 'cause that application is garbage.
I mean, we were all just laughing about it earlier.
Thank you.
I hate Slacks.
Could we watch the video again, so I can see the nice one as a palate cleanser? Would that be the best use of your time? Yes.
- They're gonna evaluate us? - I warned you.
These guys are just greasy corporate vampires.
Which in a book would be sexy.
I for one will not be participating in this brain suckery.
And why wouldn't they let me stand with them? Who do they think they are? My college a cappella group? You folks ready to get started? Ms.
Meskimen, this is Noah.
He'll be shadowing you.
Okay.
Let's go, Jokeshow.
My body's teeming with creative juices.
What are we gonna do today, James? We are gonna move fast and break things, sir.
Ha! I like that.
Yeah, that's catchy.
I'm gonna text that to myself before I forget it.
Now we've got some special things set up for you, Mr.
Mayor, we are going to evaluate your leadership style by having you virtually sail a yacht around Tierra del Fuego.
Hot damn.
And then in the afternoon, we're gonna set up one of those military glass tables that shows a map of L.
A.
And will that be interactive? You will get to draw on it.
Yes.
So cool.
I call green.
Oh, hey.
James wait a minute.
Is this my daughter or one of your holograms? Dad, ow.
I'm sorry.
Are you ready? We're kind of already late.
For what, honey? You're taking me to the DMV today - for my permit test.
- Is that today? Dad, I literally reminded you about it this morning.
Can't you do it on your phone or something? No, you have to go in person.
All right, I see there's a government office that could use some innovating, am I right? Oh, I wouldn't know, sir.
I hoverboard everywhere.
Of course you do.
Does this absolutely have to be done today? I made this appointment months ago.
And their website is black text on a blue screen, okay? I can't go through that again.
- I have people - Don't bail on me.
I went with you to your emergency colonoscopy after you slipped on the Peloton.
Hey, you know, James doesn't need to know that.
Oh, shoot.
Sorry about this, James.
I, um I will be back ASAP Rocky.
Dad, that is a person.
I know that.
I was trying something out.
How would you describe your job? I wouldn't, Noah.
I'm too busy doing it.
Now try to keep up with me.
'Cause if there's one thing you need to know about me and how I operate, it's Ms.
Meskimen? There's no door back here.
Okay, so low beams in fog.
Oh, jeez.
Where did you come from? A vent.
I'm like a mouse.
If my skull fits, the rest of my body fits.
Are you evading your observer too? No, no.
- I'm taking Orly to the DMV.
- Huh.
Dad, it says here you can't drive on the beach just because you're late for golf.
Well, they've changed that then.
You know, it wouldn't kill you, Arpi, to engage with that I-Team kid.
It's costing us a lot of money.
That argument didn't get me to try lobster mac and cheese.
It's not gonna work here.
What floor are you getting off on? I think I'll tag along with you.
You'll never find me, Noah! Hey, do you mind if I observe you? That works for me, since as chief of staff, I technically need to be observing you because your work is my purview.
So yes, this is convenient for me.
I would like you to sit, please.
Yeah, just pretend I'm not here.
Okay, and you pretend like I'm not here.
I have a lot of work to do, you know, running America's largest city.
New York is America's largest city.
Not if I do my job right.
Okay.
Is that a puffy Pusheen cat sticker on a government laptop? I feel like you should be able to use context clues to answer that yourself.
Next you'll be asking me, "Is she sitting on a hamburger?" Yes, James.
Pusheen is sitting on a hamburger.
I'm a busy professional, okay? I don't have time to spoon-feed you these answers.
I'm not used to people watching me while I work.
Oh.
Crumbs in the keyboard? Nodda so good.
Wow, that was actually a really cool new voice, Jayden.
Okay, that's just making the crumbs go in.
Mouth vacuum is working.
Innovation.
Wink.
Yeah, I thought about going into consulting, but ultimately went another way.
God bless the broken road, you know? Rascal Flatts.
What is your exact title? Oh, I am the mayor's chief strategist.
Before this, I was doing social media for the RNC.
I was the one who got them on Pinterest.
Before that, I worked to put myself through Georgetown while maintaining a 3.
8 "virginity.
" Next.
- Ugh, this is taking forever.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
I'm missing my first lunch with the I-Team.
They were gonna make a toast with a bottle of champagne that went up to space and back.
Why? Oh, that's it.
Yeah.
I'm gonna find a manager.
Sir, I know you're not going to cut the line.
Arpi, I'm the mayor.
My time needs to be used efficiently, right? So you're saying you're more important than this man? What do you do, sir? I do lighting for pornos.
Thank you for your service.
Arpi, I am sure that my fellow Angelenos want to see their mayor get back to work, right? - Boo! - Absolutely not! - Okay, all right.
Relax.
- Oh, my God, Dad.
Stop.
Get back in the line, Slenderman! Okay, okay.
Hey, and when is your administration gonna do something about non-union hidden toilet cams? That's taking money out of my pocket.
God, this guy in the front is taking forever.
Why is everything in my life always so hard? Okay, BTS performed at your birthday, but yeah, sure.
- Next.
- Yes, it's my turn.
- Go get 'em.
We'll be right here.
- Oh, thank God.
Knock 'em dead, sweetheart.
Is there something you need from me, Arpi? I need you to explain to me why you think our administration needs outside help from a bunch of Boss Babies.
Because if there's anything I've learned after a year in government, it's that we should do everything differently.
Hey, man, I'm your most progressive progressive.
America Ferrera told me to settle down at the Women's March.
Give me a break.
What does that mean? Give me a break? You say you're progressive, but what do you do every time I have a cool idea? "We tried that in '86, sir.
" "They're not fiscally sound, sir.
" "How about instead of sushi drones, you know, we get pregnant women healthcare?" You are as rigid as any Republican I have ever yachted with.
How dare you use yacht as a verb.
Do you think that I'm actually proud of that stupid bus lane? You think I want that as my legacy? I'm 73 years old, Arpi.
I don't have time to waste.
Then let me help you.
I've been doing this for 30 years.
You think these guys can figure it out in a month? You see, let those kids go, and you, me, City Council President Kawachi, and Comptroller Pedrad sit down and have a long, less than $8 per person lunch where we explain to you again how a bill becomes a law.
Arpi, move fast and break things.
That's how we're doing it now.
No.
No, no, no! This cannot be happening.
- What? - I failed my test.
But you were so well-prepared.
It's so unfair.
I mean, the question was true or false, you should pump your brakes in an ice storm, but the manual says you do pump for regular, but you don't pump for antilock brakes, which means it's true and false.
Well, how about that? Yeah.
Yeah, the test doesn't line up with the manual, Arpi.
Yeah, and I can't retake it for seven days.
Of course you can't.
Hey, way to go, government.
Yeah, nice use of all of our time.
Am I right? Yeah.
Yeah, instead of being able to onboard our new coworkers, we all got to sit around and watch that guy eat yogurt with only his tongue.
I'm not sure about spoons.
- The science isn't there yet.
- Perfect! I hope we all flashback to this day on our deathbed.
How many miles of dental floss do you think Americans use in a year? Okay.
This is one of those consultant questions that you ask to see my thought process.
Love this.
Thank you for the opportunity.
Let's find out.
328 million Americans, and not counting babies, the elderly, methheads, and celebrities who haven't had their veneers attached yet so they still just have those weird little vampire nubs.
About 40% of us have contiguous teeth.
That's 131 million mouths.
Each container of floss holds 12 to 18 yards.
You know I could have been you, right? - You're not better than me.
- Take me with you.
Look, I know this process is annoying, and obviously you're gonna be fine.
Oh, I know.
But also what does that mean? Well, part of what we do when we start at a new place is we look for dead weight.
You fire people? We make recommendations to, usually.
You know, it makes the remaining staff feel chosen, but also a little off-balance in a way that increases productivity.
That's disgusting.
Yeah, but you have nothing to worry about.
If anyone should be nervous, it's the guy who failed the welcome video.
Beep, boop, beep.
I am a government-powered robot.
Oh, no, my beard is stuck.
Please help the robot.
Of course they want to fire Jayden.
I mean, we wanted to fire Jayden until he wait, what made us not want to fire him? I think he Mrs.
Doubtfire-d us.
I can't remember.
It doesn't matter.
I run this place.
We do.
We totally do.
And these B-school Scott Disicks, they don't get to just come in here and tell us how to do our jobs.
Hey, how's it going, buddy? Those consultant guys can be a little scary, right? No.
I'm not scared of them at all.
In fact, I think Milo and I are gonna be friends with benefits 'cause his complex has a pool.
Okay, well, something that I'm doing to make friends with them is I tell them every important thing that I do around the office.
Sometimes I even stretch the truth a little bit to make myself sound more important.
Is that why you always do that? Uh, Jayden, how many miles of dental floss do you think that Americans use in a year? - Eight.
- Don't blurt it out so fast! Just think for a hot sec.
And maybe don't have a blue tongue this afternoon.
It just might be too cool for a work meeting.
No, it's always better to be yourself.
It's like earlier when I couldn't get the printer to work, I let Milo see me cry because my emotions are most of who I am.
He'll find a new job, right? Maybe Disneyland needs a LeFou.
No, we have to help him.
No, it's the velociraptors again! Oh, no oh, I stepped on one of their eggs! So there's nothing you can do as mayor to get me another test? I told everyone I could do the driving shots for the movie we're making in Spanish class.
It's a modern "Don Quixote" where horses are cars.
Honey, the DMV is run by the state, or believe me, I would have my new guys all over it.
"My new guys.
I love them so much!" That's a cool new voice, Arpi.
I seriously can't retake the test for seven days? - Why? - Who knows? You know, there's probably some archaic rule from when children had to stay home and help on the farm.
Actually, its origins are in voter suppression, but I know there's a complainulate.
org petition to change it.
Oh, honey, just please let Dan take you home.
I gotta get back in there.
The guys are gonna show me how to make a soap dish with a 3D printer.
Anyone can make a soap dish.
All you need is a Leatherman Rebar and a chunk of olive wood.
What's your point? Anything the I- can do, I can do better.
Well then, do it, Arpi.
I'm so glad these kids have lit a fire under you.
I can't wait to see all your sparkling achievements.
You wanna move fast and break some things? I'm Jayden Kwapis.
I'm the mayor's director of communications or "comms director," if you nasty.
Oof, that's his second Janet Jackson reference.
Third.
You were on the phone when he tried to do the "Rhythm Nation" countdown and accidentally gave the bird.
Oh, no.
I can't let this happen.
Okay, Operation "Jayden Rescue" is a go.
Oh, no.
Mikaela choked on her Midol.
Jayden, you're the office Safety Marshal.
- Save her.
- Oh, okay, the Heimlich.
No, I am not allowed to touch her.
She made that very clear.
Stop staring! Do something, Leslie! Please! I got it.
Oh! Oh, okay, I'm Okay, I'm good.
I swallowed it.
Okay, we did it.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Broom-five! Okay, uh, James, I need to see you in my office right now.
I don't normally hit women.
Okay.
You can go ahead and tell the mayor that we should fire Jayden, but I'm not gonna let that happen.
Fine, you can keep Jayden, but are you also gonna fight me on the dude with a sugar glider in his desk? If you mean Leslie and Deputy Zoomer, it's a service sugar glider.
Because it's the only thing keeping him from killing us.
So yeah, I'm gonna fight you on all your proposals.
Okay, well, we can't really affect change in a place that refuses to change.
So what do you suggest we do here? I don't know, James.
Maybe do like my last Bumble date.
I go to the bathroom.
You leave while I'm in there.
You know I was the first guy in Bel Air to have Wi-Fi.
You'd get a disc from AOL, and then if somebody else wanted to use the phone, they could not.
Arpi got me my permit.
I'm sorry.
She what? I took your request to heart, sir.
We gotta start getting things done around here not let the bureaucracy stop us.
So I found a loophole.
You cannot take the same permit test twice in one day, but you can test for another class of license.
At 16? There's an age waiver for agricultural families, and technically your Bel Air yard is large enough to be considered a sod farm.
I got a class A permit.
Now I can drive a tractor trailer.
Move fast and break things, literally.
Should I get an ice cream truck? I love that for me! Why don't we talk about that at home? Arpi, a word, please.
If this is you showing off, it backfired.
Your boys could never have done what I just did.
They don't know the laws, the region's agricultural history, or even the vents we took to get there.
This is still about the I-Team.
"Move fast and break things" is a dumb T-shirt philosophy.
Experience and caution have value.
Give them a minute to show what they can do.
Oh, come on, Arpi.
I bet you they're working on some stuff you're gonna love.
Um, sir, uh, the I -Team quit.
I do love it.
Sir, I just felt as chief of staff that we did not need their services like zoo chimps Absolutely not.
I already announced it to the L.
A.
press.
Do you have any idea how savagely "Americana at Brand Memes" will come for me? Oh.
- Get them back.
- Yeah, okay.
Dad, I'm in a multiple bidder situation on a repossessed horse van.
What's our best offer? - Zero, $0.
- What? Why? Because you can't do this.
Just because you found a quick fix doesn't mean it's the right fix.
Oh.
Is Arpi smiling right now? I think so.
It's like a drunk Grinch trying to look sober.
All right, don't look at her.
And hand over that permit, please.
What? But I just watched a long video about how to empty the toilet of a Winnebago.
And someday you will.
Hand it over.
Fine, but I'm still signing up to be an organ donor.
Whatever.
Goodbye, Arpi.
Already in the vent, sir.
So one thing that you'll learn about this office is we really love pranks, and that thing before where I told you to leave? Ya burnt.
You told the mayor I quit and you got in trouble? Yeah, 100%.
He's, like, in love with you.
I mean, can you blame him? Look, we're not not open to change, but it's day one.
You're not firing Jayden.
Okay, I asked him where he sees himself in five years, and he said, "In a mirror, unless I've become a vampire.
" Okay, but not everything that matters can be measured, and not everything that can be measured matters.
Okay, that sounded like consultant nonsense, so obviously I agree, and I guess I can stay because by defending your weakest team member, you have passed the manager test.
Yeah.
Okay, you're making that up.
Am I? Guess we'll never know.
Can you believe that eight hours ago, we were excited about the I-Team being here? No, those guys are the worst.
Hey, Jayden, you seen my daughter? Yes.
She's beautiful, sir.
What? No, no.
I meant never mind.
Oh, there you go.
Okay, so I've decided to forgive you if we can get Matsuhisa tonight.
Also don't get mad at me, but our $0 bid won that horse van.
Ugh, fine.
But you can only drive it up and down our driveway.
Oh, hey.
Arpi, thought a lot about what you said.
I want you to know you were right.
I always am.
Conciliatory egg? Yeah, why not? There's no way the I-Team could learn everything you know in six weeks, which is why I extended their contract to a year.
Look forward to seeing what you guys do together.
Got a little egg on your face.