Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) s02e01 Episode Script

Grandad wants to hear all the nice things said about him.
At his own funeral?! I suggested we have a pretend funeral and let Grandad hear them.
We better ask the corpse.
Grandad, how would you like to die on Friday? Friday is grand! Friday it is, then! Hi, Grandad! Don't talk to him.
He's fuckin' dead! What's this? It's Grandad's death certificate.
You don't need a death certificate.
Oh, yes, I do! He's due 15,000 euro from his union the day he dies.
He's retired 15 years.
I'm flipped if I'm waiting any longer! Now let us take a moment to remember him.
Would anybody like to say a word in his memory? OK, then! GASPS Has nobody got anything good to say? He's he's not dead! No, he's not! He's alive.
Oh, my God it's a miracle! It's a miracle, Father! 'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!' # She's Mrs Brown # That's Mrs Brown # Oh, Mrs Brown.
# APPLAUSE Winnie, put the kettle on.
I just want to do Grandad's feet! Hello! I'll be with you in a couple of minutes.
Grandad, are you ready for your pedicure? Ah, good man.
Give me a second.
Well, no sign of a flat yet for Dermot and Maria, but they are looking.
Agnes, can I ask a stupid question? Better than anyone else I know! Why do crabs walk sideways? So they can do their song! What? # Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside! # Ah, right! Well, you can't blame Dermot and Maria for wanting to move out.
Foot! NAILS SHOOT LIKE BULLETS I love The Blue Planet.
I'm sure it loves you right back! No, the programme, on the telly.
Oh, right! Did you know penguins mate for life? Of course they do.
They all look the same! They're hardly going to leave for a feckin' better looking one! I suppose.
It would be nice if Trevor could stay for the big event.
Oh, I never told you.
The big event! Maria's pregnant! It's so feckin' exciting! How's Sharon, Winnie? Don't ask Why? What's up? She has no boyfriend.
What happened? They wanted different things.
Sharon wanted the big white wedding dress and the honeymoon in the Carrabini.
And what did he want? He wanted to break up.
Well, that is feckin' different.
Oh, I better go.
Get her up! I'll call in later.
Oh, me life will be empty till then! Morning, Mammy! Hiya, Cathy.
How's your Dick? It's Mick! And how are things there? Grand thanks, Winnie.
How's Sharon? Not great.
Jeez, better go, she'll be late! I'll call over her later and see if she's OK! Who's the letter from? The insurance company about Grandad's insurance! They say they want to investigate his death.
Why would that be? Let me think Maybe because he's not dead! Well, I blame Grandad.
I told him, "Stop collecting your pension.
" But would he listen? No! This is serious, Mammy.
They're alleging fraud.
You could go to prison! PSYCHO VIOLIN SCREECH Piss off! I better go.
Don't touch me.
Dead man walking! WASP BUZZES Grandad, now, remember, if anyone calls, you're dead! OK! WASP BUZZES Winnie? Yes, Agnes? Give us me flapper.
BUZZING STOPS I'm dead! Don't feckin' move! Aarrgh! Fastest flapper in the west! Good shot, Agnes! Ah, thanks, Winnie.
Ah, Jesus, you should clean this thing, Agnes.
I tried, Winnie.
You can't get it off! I'm sure I have stuff that would clean this.
One of the products they sent me to test! I'll do it right now! Thanks very much, Winnie! DOORBELL RINGS Cathy, Cathy! Get that door will you please! Ah, Mammy, I'm doing me make up! It might be the insurance man and I have to prepare Grandad.
Come on, Grandad! Get down! Oh, for God's sake, Mammy! He's supposed to be feckin' dead! Oh, it's YOU.
Jesus, Cathy, what happened to you? Shut up, Buster Brady.
I'm getting ready for a date.
With who? The Lone Ranger? Oh, get stuffed! Hello, Mrs Brown.
Hello, Grandad! I'm dead! Is Dermo here? No.
Did you not get your insurance money yet, Mrs Brown? Not yet.
Oh, lovely.
Two sugars please.
Don't be feckin' cheeky! And what are you doing here anyway? We haven't seen you since the Christmas party! I just popped around to say hello.
Well, you've said it.
Now shag off.
I mean it, Buster Brady.
Every time your name comes up, Maria gets upset and I don't want her upset.
Not now.
If she walks in and sees you sitting there, she'll go through the feckin' roof.
Oh, shite.
How are you, Maria? Don't feckin' wave! Are you pregnant, Maria? No, Buster, it's a cyst! A cyst? Yes, a cyst.
A big lump of useless fatty tissue.
Ah yeah, my Ma had one of them.
Yes, she feckin' did! Will you have a cuppa tea, love? Oh, I'd love one and a biscuit or something.
And a biscuit.
Thanks, Mrs Brown.
Maria, I wish you'd stop calling me Mrs Brown.
It's Agnes! I'll have a biscuit, Agnes.
It's Mrs Brown to you! And ask properly.
Sorry.
May I have a biscuit please, Mrs Brown.
That's better.
Thanks.
No! Are you not talking to me, Maria? Are you upset about the little incident at the Christmas party? LITTLE incident? You stole my mother's handbag.
I made a mistake, that's all.
What, you robbed it by accident? Well, no, I didn't know it was hers.
All right, listen, I'm off.
Will you tell Dermo I called? No.
No.
Well, I'll just call round and see him tomorrow so, see yis.
Maybe I was a little hard on him.
Do you think does he still steal? Are you kidding me? Does the Pope shit in the woods? Well, he would if there was a bear chasing him.
Thanks, Mrs Brown.
You're welcome.
DOORBELL RINGS Maria, get that door! Grandad! Oh, Jesus Christ! OK.
Plan B! Code red! Code red! Hold on, Maria! Go! Hi, Mum! Come in! So what are you doing here? I just picked up the most beautiful mater nity dress! I just couldn't resist it.
I wanted you to try it on.
Ah, thanks, Mum I'll try it on now.
Mrs Brown, it's my mother! Hello, Hillary, how are you? Sore shoulder from the tennis.
And you? Oh, itchy crotch from the golf! Oh, well a new baby's so exciting, isn't it, Agnes? Well, yes, it is but the excitement wears off after six.
I don't even think I went into hospital for the last one.
I just dropped it.
Badump! "Oh, look there's a baby.
Put it in the pram!" Great fashion eye, Mrs Nicholson.
It looks well on her! It's lovely, Mum, thank you.
Cuppa tea, Maria? Sure.
Tea, Mum? No, thanks, I'm off.
I'm playing golf in an hour.
Oh, watch out for the OK, I'll see you tomorrow, I'll call over after work! You were right, Agnes, even my stuff didn't clean it! Ah, hello, Mrs Nicholson.
Hello, I'm just going.
Oh, here, Mrs Nicholson, how do YOU clean the dead flies off YOUR flapper? What?! I'll try bleach Agnes.
I'll dip your flapper in bleach! BLEACH? I must be off It's such an exciting time, childbirth! Well, I've been excited six times! I only had Maria, but it was such a wonderful time.
Jonathan was so generous.
That's nice.
When he found out I was pregnant he bought me this diamond ring.
That's nice! And then when I was five months pregnant he took me away for the weekend to Paris! That's France! That's nice.
And THEN when Maria was born, he bought me a Mercedes Benz! That's nice.
What did your husband buy for you? He got me elocution lessons! (LAUGHS) Didn't really work, did they? Actually, they did! I used to say "Fuck off" but now I say, "That's nice.
" Yes, I understand.
Yes, I'll tell her that.
I'll pass that on, goodbye.
Who was that? A Mr Rooney.
Claims adjuster from Celtic Life Insurance.
Oh.
What did HE want? He wants to interview you.
He's coming today! I sent them the death certificate.
That's all that matters! And HE knows he's dead, don't you Grandad? What? You dead! Yeah dead! Mammy, look, this is really serious.
You're not going to get paid.
Grandad is NOT dead! That's just a technicality! It says Cadbury's Chocolate on the side of buses and they don't sell it! I promised the money to Maria and Dermot to get them started in a place of their own.
Well, you'll have to unpromise them, then.
No.
Mammy, never mind the money, you could go to prison for fraud! You're being ridiculous now, son! I hope you're right! Hi, there! Hello, Maria.
How was work? Don't talk to me.
I've never seen A&E so busy! Hiya, Trevor.
Any word about going back on the missions? Nothing yet.
Now we don't need to be talking about that now.
Let's just thank God you're home.
I'll make you a sandwich, Maria.
No, I'm grand.
I've got some couscous.
Some what what? Couscous.
It's healthy.
Looks shit shit! Don't worry about anything for Dermot, I have a pesto pasta salad.
I'm after cooking some Superquinn sausages! No.
The salad's better for him.
He'll have the sausages! Oh, no, he won't! I think I know what my son likes! Well, I think I know what's good for my husband! I think I'll just go and say a few prayers.
Chicken bastard! Maria, look, I know you're only new to being a wife, but I'm cooking for my children for years.
I know what Dermot likes.
Let's just leave it at that! No, Mrs Brown, let's not leave it at that.
What you fed your children in the past was dictated by budget and availability but times have changed.
There's healthier options out there now than everything fried.
Dermot will have the salad! Dermot will eat the sausages.
Hello, everybody!! Hello, son.
Come on, sit down in Mammy's chair.
Thanks, Mammy.
Hiya darling, I got you a lovely salad.
Yeah! And once you've realised you're not a white rabbit, you can have some lovely Superquinn sausages! Right then, let's begin.
You have six offspring? Yes.
Five boys and a child.
And this is? That's Gretchen, our exchange student from Switzerland.
I see.
And Grandad is dead? (SOBS) Why do you keep bringing it up?! When did Grandad die? If he'd lived till next Friday, he'd be dead ten months.
And he died of? A Tuesday.
Right.
What is this? It's a toe nail.
It's all we have left of him.
Well, one of the problems we are having Mrs Brown is we can find no record of Grandad dying.
Well, I sent in the death certificate.
Oh, this! Yes, well, although this IS the death certificate, it was never officially registered at the office of Births, Marriages And Deaths.
Well, that's not my fault.
And actually, I put it to you, Mrs Brown, that this strange little girl is in fact Grandad! No, no that's Gretchen our exchange student from Switzerland! Hello, Mrs Brown! How are you, Grandad?! You feckin' ejit! Well, that's that! Fair enough.
Thanks very much for dropping in.
No, hold on Mrs.
Brown, That is NOT that.
My company takes a very dim view of your actions.
A false insurance claim is a criminal offence.
I have to caution you, you may be charged.
How much? Charged in a court of law, Mrs Brown.
You could go to prison! Hold on there, pal.
You can't talk to Mrs Brown like that! If you knew about this, you could be charged as an accessory.
You could also go to prison.
Prison? It was her.
See yas! (SOBS) Prison? EASTENDERS DRUM ROLL You could become some big, butch woman's bitch! I beg your pardon, Sharon? In prison! You'll have to get a tattoo! Sharon! Shut up, Sharon! You are not going to any prison, Agnes Brown.
Thanks you, Winnie.
But I did check and the number 40 bus stops right outside, so I'll have no problem visiting.
Well, thanks for the feckin' pep talk! Will you stop, Winnie?! Mammy, maybe you should get a solicitor.
I tried.
I called Mr McGocchi of Hardy, Kunch and McGocchi.
Tom? Tom McGocchi? Yes.
What did he say? He's in prison.
I'm off to the toilet, who's coming? I'll go with you, Winnie.
Are you comin' Sharon? No.
Maybe you should.
With your complaint.
What complaint? She's anorexic.
Anaemic! Oh, that's better.
Oh, Sharon, I'm sorry about the break-up.
It's all right.
Plenty more fish in the sea! Hiya.
Speaking about prison, he's only out after 15 years.
What did he do? He murdered his wife.
He's single! Well, God help the feckin' fish in the sea! Hello, son! Hello, Maria love.
How are you? I'm fine.
I heard about the letter.
How are you? I'm OK.
Sharon.
How are you, Dermot? Could we have a quiet word with me mammy? Sure.
QUIET! There you go, Dermot.
Sharon, family business.
Feck off! Mammy, we heard about the insurance letter.
PSYCHO VIOLIN SCREECH I said PISS OFF! That sound goes through me feckin' head! We heard about the letter, Mrs Brown.
I wanted to help you's get a place of our own.
Don't worry about that, Mrs Brown.
We will get a place and actually, I think we'd prefer to get it ourselves.
Wouldn't we, Dermot? Well, yeah, but if the money was there Dermot! Yeah, we would.
So don't you be worrying about us, Mammy.
Let's just get this fraud thing sorted.
Anyway, with you going to prison there'll be a lot more room! It'll probably just blow over.
I'm not sure, son.
Celtic Insurance are a big company, and that man looked VERY serious! Celtic Insurance? Yes.
Hmm.
They are big.
Jaysus, all this just cos Grandad is still alive! Grandad! I have some chocolate eclairs for you! No.
Come on, lovely chocolate eclairs.
You know you love them! Come on, follow me into chocolate eclair land! Ooh, I'm going to chocolate eclair land! Grandad, look I mean it, real chocolate eclairs, look! No.
Who is that? I'm chocolate eclair.
I want somebody to eat me! Come on Grandad, eat me! Grandad, look, I mean it, real chocolate eclairs! Look, smell, smell, smell! Mmm, Lovely! PHONE RINGS SPEAKS IN A STRAINED VOICE: Hello? Hold on, Mick.
Cathy! SHE WHEEZES Cathy! Mick the dick is on the phone! Hi Mick.
Oh, great.
Yes, Mick.
Where are you? Ah, that's just around the corner! Cathy! Have you got a light? In me handbag, Mammy.
No, don't get a coffee.
I'll meet you.
You can come here for a cup of tea.
Ah, for feck's sake! Listen, I'm just slipping out to meet Mick.
I'll be back in a few minutes, all right? I said I'd I said I'd go down the shops with Winnie.
KNOCK ON DOOR It's open, Winnie! How are ye, Cathy? How's it going with Mick the dick? I wish you'd all mind your own business! Jaysus, she's in bad form.
She mustn't be getting it.
Maybe he hasn't shown her his truncheon! Here, are we going to the shops? Let me finish me tea Here.
Look.
Jaysus, where did you get them? Cathy's handbag.
They fell out! Why Jesus, Winnie, how times change.
So many different feckin' kinds nowadays.
I remember when there was only Wrigley's or Juicy Fruit! I don't think they're chewing gum, Agnes! They're French Letters.
Jaysus! What's she doing, wearing them? They're not for her, they're for him.
That's the thing nowadays.
Girls do buy them, keep them handy.
Sensible I say.
I've never used one, Winnie.
No? No.
Redser wouldn't, he said it'd be like having a bath with his socks on.
I'd have been happy if he just had the feckin' bath! Oh, look at that Winnie.
Ah-choo! That's disgusting Agnes! Here, look, what do you think of this? I see he's a large! Next patient please! Oh, Winnie, I remember one night, me and Redser walking along the beach in Portmarnock.
He started chasing me into the sand dunes.
So I was there pretending to run.
And he caught me and he threw me on the sand.
So I was lying there and I said, "What do you want?" And he said, "I want your knickers around your ankles!" I had to get them out of me feckin' handbag and put them on! Then he starts to And I go, "Will ya stop it?" Why? He was flicking sand up me arse! There was a sandcastle there when I was finished! Those were the days! Those were the feckin' days! Winnie, imagine looking at a man's willy wrapped in one of them.
It'd look like a little bank robber.
With one eye! Gimme the fuckin' money! Look who's here for a cup of tea! We have to go down the shops.
Don't be so rude, Mammy! Gimme a second to introduce Winnie.
She's already met him! Not properly.
Mick, this is my mother's friend Winnie McGoogan.
Hello, Mrs McGoogan.
Hello, son! Hello again, Mrs Brown.
That's a condom on your hand! Well, you can't be too careful with some of the wankers you meet nowadays! All right, Grandad, your bath is ready.
Now, you get into that bath and soak in the bubbles and just lie back and relax and let the whole world drift away! Here, take that with you, I'll be up in a minute.
Morning Grandad.
I'll look after this! Mammy, what are you at? I was only joking! Shit! Shit! Shit! One for you from the insurance company.
And one for me, from the Bishop's office! What's that Trevor? A letter from the Bishop.
They've nothing for me, I'll be here at least another ten days.
Great! Well, you know what I mean, Trevor.
Well, go ahead Mammy.
Read it.
You read it, son.
Dear Mrs Brown, it is the conclusion of this company that the insurance claim on the death of Mr Brown is without foundation.
Oh, Jesus! No, wait, Mammy.
However, I've been instructed by my supervisor, Mr James Nicholson, to take no further action.
Yes! Yippee! Yes! Trevor, get the piranha out of Granddad's bath! What? I'm joking! But go up and check that he's OK.
That's fantastic, Mrs Brown.
Isn't it? Maria, his supervisor's name is Mr Nicholson.
Your name is Nicholson! So it is.
Isn't that a coincidence? I'll make you a cup of tea, Mrs Brown.
I knew those bastards wouldn't take me on! It's lovely to have Grandad back from the dead.
Mrs Brown, would you like a biscuit? No, thanks love.
I'll have a cracker with some couscous.
What? People change! Good n Maria, don't open the feckin' fridge! LARGE EXPLOSION