Mulligan (2023) s02e01 Episode Script

1
[somber music playing]
Welcome home. We missed you.
[whimsical music playing]
We're wicked happy that you're back ♪
We're what's left of the human race ♪
D.C. has changed since the attack ♪
Did I do that?
But we know
You're gonna like this place! ♪
What are we doing? A song?
This here's LaMarr and he's my VEEP ♪
Yup, two white men are still in charge ♪
These corpses scream
While we're asleep ♪
Here in D.C., we're living large ♪
We planted lots of seeds
To meet your eating needs ♪
Yum-yum, I hope we grow an orange ♪
Seriously, "orange"?
No. You're out of the song. Go!
That's how we know
You're gonna like this place! ♪
- When did you all practice this?
- [Matty] Big finish!
We hope you realize ♪
We're really neato guys ♪
We know you'll understand ♪
How great it is on land ♪
- The feral kids are nice ♪
- [shouting]
But they will give you lice ♪
So take it from our face ♪
We know you're gonna like this place! ♪
[all panting]
Yeah, I think we're good on the boat.
Thanks for the song, though.
No, dude, we're saving you.
Okay, cool, have fun!
- [party music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
[theme music playing]
Those boat pricks
think they're better than us?
That's, like, my least favorite thing
for someone to think they are than me.
Look, I know you've been dealing with
a lot of rejection lately
Who, Lucy? Pfft.
She only got to dump me, and Jeremy,
'cause I un-dumped her first.
Honestly, I feel bad for her.
Okay. I just don't want emotion
to cloud your judgment.
I don't know, it usually does.
When the Sox traded Nomar,
I set myself on fire.
Well, see here,
D.C. is a very liberal city.
The basketball team is named the Wizards.
Like a witch's husband.
But people who take cruises
are our kind of voters.
So if we don't get those folks
on that boat repatriated
Go Pats.
we might just find ourselves
out of a job one of these here days.
Seriously? No, I can't not be president.
I mean, what does an ex-president even do?
I don't wanna draw dogs
or build houses for poor people.
Or get turned into a statue.
That's why we gotta get these folks
off that boat.
- [whimsical music playing]
- [cheering in the distance]
Look, just because people have a boat
does not mean they're better than us.
"No shoes, no problem"?! No! Problem!
Totally. But I've decided
we need them to come be Americans.
I just don't get why
they'd wanna stay on that boat.
I went on a cruise once and the best part
was when it caught fire
and we got a free flight home.
They're probably delirious.
Those poor souls
have been adrift for months!
They need to squirm up
to our national teat
like little piggy-wiggies and suckle
at the erect, milky nipple of freedom.
Look, I don't always have a plan
when I start talking.
Am I the only one
who sees how fascinating this is?
- Ugh, you excited sucks.
- Your voice gets so high.
[in high-pitched voice] That ship
was totally on its own for months at sea!
They built their society
in complete isolation from ours.
It's like when you put half your ants
in one ant farm and half in another
and just let the fricking magic happen.
You know, I once played Gladys Knight
on a Celebrity Cruise for senile folks.
Oh, we had some fun.
The shrimp was all-you-can-eat ♪
Yeah. The folks on the boat
do seem to be having a pretty good time.
Is it possible that they're actually
doing better than we are here on land?
- [Grimes] Come back! We're married now!
- [raccoon trilling]
Better? You might as well mix vinegar
with baby shampoo and pig degreaser
'cause that is hogwash.
Yeah, we're doing awesome.
Watch this. Wall flip!
[screams]
This is what I wanted!
And what are you even doing here?
You're not First Lady anymore.
You're more like last lady.
Well, even if I'm not pretending
to be your girlfriend anymore,
I can still be useful.
No way. You wanted to be all "independent"
and "doing stuff for yourself"?
Well, you got it.
I'm kicking her out. Preemptive!
Wow. You did it.
You made me forget about how I watched her
dump you with my own two eyes.
More like four. Glasses.
Actually, sir, Ms. Suwan
might be able to help our cause.
You know, we won the Cold War by showing
how attractive our way of life could be.
It was called blue jeans diplomacy.
And who better than Miss America
to be an ambassador for life on land?
I was a brand ambassador
for the Reno tourism board.
"Reno: 'Cause Vegas Is Farther
Depending On Where You're Coming From!"
Executive order: fine!
But Lucy, you bet
[laughs] Ow.
What? There's something in the wall.
- It tickles! [laughs]
- [chitters]
Stop! Grimes, control your man!
[whimsical music plays]
- [boy 1] Boom!
- Hey, kids.
- Hey.
- General.
Hey, I'm just here
'cause I miss my own kids so much.
They're estranged. Because of my drinking.
Uh-huh.
Mom, have you found TOD yet?
Oh, I'm sure he just killed himself
like all the other TODs.
- No.
- [boys sobbing]
He's our friend.
[both] Yay!
[upbeat music playing]
- Awesome!
- [boys chuckling]
[grunting]
- Wait, when did you fight Mole People?
- You have to find him.
Or I'll shoot a missile at you.
No, you don't have to worry about TOD-209,
because I I just got a new brain.
- [boys gasp]
- Yeah.
It squirted out of that guy Marty
when the ship crushed him.
And I'm gonna use it
to build you kids an even better TOD.
- TOD-210!
- [whirs]
[bubbling]
[screeches]
[microwave whirs]
[explodes]
- [all scream]
- Mommy!
Oh boy, I'm gonna get an earful
about this from my mommy group.
[gasps] Oh, no, they're all dead.
Mom, please, just find real TOD.
Okay. I'll try.
You promise?
[sighs]
I promise.
[all scream]
- Jesus Christ!
- Mommy!
[laughing, cheering]
[passenger] She can throw them back,
lemme tell ya.
- Greetings from land, everybody.
- [Sheila] You decide to join us, hon?
Anyone's welcome here
on the Thirsty Princess.
As long as you're ready to party.
Actually, I was sent by the president to
show you guys what you're missing out on.
This is called spelt.
And I brought blue jeans.
[laughs]
Sweetie, no one here wears pants.
And we got all the food we need.
Oh, uh, it's just kinda my job
to show you how great land is.
"Land, just try drowning on here."
Your "job"? This is a cruise, hon.
We are here to forget about our jobs.
Good riddance, tiger sanctuary.
Boy, it sure seems like you guys have fun.
In spite of, you know, "Pew! Crash!
My eyeballs! Help me, Lucy! Help me!"
Hell yeah, we have fun.
'Cause all that stuff,
folks getting melted, alimony,
toilet gators, that's for land.
Everyone here just does
what makes them feel good.
[sighs]
That's what I'm supposed to be doing.
Thinking about what I want for once.
But here you are, working for the man
with his spelt and his leg prisons.
Baby, this is a crizzuise!
Now come on and have a good time,
or else I'll have to call the Fun Police.
[imitates police siren]
[laughs]
Hi. Professor Simon Prioleau
All right, fine, Associate Professor!
And I was never gonna make tenure because
I once called my department head "Mommy"!
Are you happy?
Whoa. No judgment.
Happy to have you. I love your hat.
Yeah, you're right. It's stupid.
- I'll just take it off.
- No, I'm serious.
You look like Darius Rucker.
So come on, unwindulax
and get your cruise on!
Cool hat, sexy!
[sips]
Mr. Zhao, the president and I need
your help with this whole boat situation.
Ugh, I hate that thing.
Everyone's talking about the boat
instead of The Love Choice season two.
- Guys, I can explain.
- [raccoons trilling]
This is a battle
for hearts and minds, gentlemen.
It's all about messaging.
You mean like, "You up? Eggplant,
why you such a prude? Don't tell my mom"?
More like a big presidential speech.
Something TV-friendly.
- Sweet. Shirt or no shirt?
- Well, let's go shirt.
Ooh, it'll be like the Gipper
at the Berlin Wall!
We'll do it in front of the boat,
and you'll be all,
"Mr. Gorbaboat tear down this boat."
And Zhao News will cover it
across all our platforms.
If we stack them on top of each other,
you'll look really tall.
I am tall, but great.
- [dramatic music plays]
- [indistinct chatter]
Bang-bang, I'm a gavel.
We still haven't heard
from General Axatrax.
What is causing this delay?
Prime Minister,
there are two possible explanations.
One, he defeated the Earthlings
and is now partying like it's 24632.
Or he somehow lost
to a bunch of creatures with bones.
[all laughing]
And is either dead or afraid to contact us
because he knows
what punishment awaits his failure.
[roars]
[applauding]
Wait, why are we speaking English?
Is this a dream? Dammit, Axatrax!
[gasps, groans]
What a horrible dream.
- You!
- Ready for some more punishment?
[dramatic music plays]
[gasps, groans]
- [suspenseful music plays]
- [sharp sting]
[Matty grunts]
And it looks like the president
has taken stage.
My fellow land-based Americans,
I stand here in front of this boat
to remind the whole world
how fun things are here on land.
Remember the party I threw?
Or what about the time
I saved us from the Mole People?
[grunting]
Hey, you weren't there.
And I know because
I am Urgmel, King of the Mole People!
- Ha-ha!
- [crowd gasps]
I mean, his opinion.
My point is the boat stinks
and land rules!
Jeez-a, the boat looks-a pretty fun to me.
They got a slide-a d'acqua.
Oh, pfft! That's nothing.
We've got escaped zoo animals
and regular Alfred Yankovic, and, um
Hey, quit partying so loud!
I'm trying to explain how fun land is!
- We can't hear ourselves think.
- Who wants to think? Bummer alert.
I hate thinking!
That's when I remember I wrote
and directed the movie Dolittle.
Why did I do that?
You know what? Don't sit there listening
to these stuffed shirts with their ties.
- He made me wear it.
- Come join the par-tay!
Every y'all's welcome
on the Thirsty Princess!
Don't have to ask me twice.
I got rid of three husbands on cruises.
The Bahamian Police
were happy not to investigate ♪
Aw, no, Wanda, you can't go on the boat.
We're trying to get them to come here.
[woman] Oh please.
But I want-a to play
in the acqua with acqua fusilli!
[whimsical music playing]
What, y'all working, handsome?
[scoffs] Come on, put that thing away.
Why, am I making you clip-bored?
[laughs]
You are fun!
Now come on, hot tub with us!
"Benny and the Jets"?
More like Simon and the jets.
Like hot tub jets. I'm Simon.
[laughs]
Don't let the Fun Police
see you being a wallflower.
You look like my ex Travis after he lost
our car in a wet shorts contest.
No, I'm having fun.
Just taking a load off.
[sighs] Heels, am I right?
When I was a hostess at T.G.I. Fridays,
they made us wear 'em.
[chuckles] I mean, I get it.
It's Fridays, it's all about sex.
But now I haven't worn heels in months!
Kick 'em off, girl!
Oh.
Uh, I don't know, Joy. I've been wearing
high heels since I was four.
- It's a requirement at Reno preschools.
- Ha!
Well, you're on the Princess now.
You're the only one wearing shoes.
[dramatic music playing]
[grunts]
Uh, oh, toes are separate little beans.
So we gonna dance or what?
Totally. But I can't get up.
Why is everything so sticky?
Hey, spillin' is part of chillin'!
- Wow, that's really clever.
- Thanks.
I always wanted to write for t-shirts,
but it's all who you know.
[cheering]
[Axatrax groans]
There you are.
I think something is wrong with me.
Yesterday, while I was drinking
all that wine, I felt amazing.
But now my head feels like it was smashed
with a hammer by a Gallagher.
- Do you have Gallaghers on Earth?
- We had two. But you're just hungover.
Alcohol causes vasodilation
and dehydration,
so you wake up in the morning feeling
like you got kicked in the head
by a carriage horse.
Then you remember that Neil deGrasse Tyson
dropped you in the shower.
Well, I just need you
to give me the antidote.
[chuckles] No, there is no antidote.
All you can do is drink water and pray
it's not too late to cancel
the realistic male comfort torso
you ordered on Amazon at 3:00 A.M.
You humans are so stupid.
Yeah, yeah, we know about hangovers,
but we drink anyway.
We also scratch mosquito bites
and get bangs.
With your face shape?
But no, you're stupid
because you stop drinking.
If you never stopped,
then you'd feel good forever.
That's basically what those morons
on the cruise ship are doing.
Oh.
[thuds]
Dammit!
You know, another
unpleasant side effect of drinking
is having kids who guilt you
into making promises you can't keep.
Do you want help smashing your children?
You helped me smash mine, so
No! No smashing. I love my kids.
But they want me to find TOD-209.
Even if he weren't 1000% dead,
it's not like I have a radio transmitter
powerful enough
to ping his tracking beacon.
Well, I know the cruise ship
has a working radio
Uh, not because I have a radio.
But I can sense them. Aliens are weird.
Ugh, I wish you hadn't told me that.
Now I have to go get contact drunk
on that G-D cruise ship.
Hey, pal! Someone here order
a realistic male comfort torso?
They told me
the delivery would be discreet.
This is bad. America's gonna boatulate,
and then what's left to be president of?
This?
I don't wanna be president of this.
I hate it!
Okay, that is a quality mug.
If everyone leaves, how do I get rich?
And don't tell me
to learn how to code. [groans]
I miss all my stuff.
I had so many watches and a basketball
signed by Michael B. Jordan. Under duress.
Gentlemen, I have not yet exhausted
my bag of tricks
- Where? Is there a bunny?
- Show us! I wanna see the bunny.
It's metaphorical, fellas.
See, we didn't win the Cold War
just by making speeches
and giving out blue jeans.
Our greatest weapon
was American culture itself.
We secretly funded Top Gun,
Rocky IV, Red Dawn.
I personally directed a Chuck Norris movie
for the Russian market.
[upbeat action music playing]
[in Russian] Take that, turkey!
[in English] Yes! We should do a movie.
I'm just like Chuck Norris
'cause people don't think I'm good
at karate 'cause I'm white.
Exactly.
A movie that shows how much better
life on land is than at sea.
And we'll call it, like, Super Gun 8: The Legend of Jack Landgood.
"This summer, we don't like boats."
Ooh! I can produce.
I made a bunch of movies in Hong Kong
with Arnold Schwarzenegger
in only one scene,
but then he's the whole trailer.
That fools me every time.
In The Dragon Burglar,
he just sells them the train ticket
at the beginning.
- We shot that in his kitchen.
- You could tell.
- [conga music playing]
- [cheering]
Wow, someone works out.
I sued Lucille Roberts so I could go
to a gym without fear of bullying.
- Lucy!
- Simon!
I am having the time of my life.
These cruise people like the real me.
Pudgy, balding,
allergic to my own glasses.
I feel the same way.
I mean, not those specifics,
but no one here expects me to be
some perfect pageant princess.
I love it here. I wanna marry the boat!
Too far. No one heard that, right?
How did I end up in a conga line?
I just need to use the radio.
Sweetheart, this is a party.
Someone get the Fun Police.
[imitates police siren]
Oh, the Fun Police is real. Blech!
And that's tequila.
It's not. I make it out of boat fuel
and pineapple juice. Old Navy trick.
Now don't you let us catch you
not-partying again.
- Ho! [chuckles]
- And you're drunk again. Neat.
No, on the rocks.
[all laughing]
I am going to stay drunk forever.
Well, that'll make you
the first alien ever to go to Dartmouth.
You people suck.
Do not be a buzzkill, Farrah.
I am just here to forget my troubles.
Troubles like human bosses.
- [lady] We hate bosses!
- [man] Human bosses suck!
Not to mention how much air there is
in potato chip bags.
[cheering]
Hey!
[all chanting] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
[pigeon coos]
Now go. Fly to Lucy.
Don't read it. It's not for you.
Matty? What are you doing down there?
Looking for you.
Me and LaMarr and Johnny Zhao
are making a movie.
- We'll act it out on that stage there.
- So it's a play?
What? Gross. No, I just said it's a movie.
It's gonna make land look awesome.
So you gotta get everyone on the boat
to watch, okay?
No. I won't. You're not my boss.
Yes, I am. I'm everybody's boss.
Like Tony Danza. And you're Angela.
Angela hired him. She's the boss.
I mean,
maybe at the advertising agency, but
Whatever. Fine. You're my boss?
Well, I quit.
- So I'm not coming back to land
- You're fired. Preemptive.
- I did it first. My decision.
- No, she quit first. We all saw it.
Axatrax? No. You get back down here.
You are my unlikely friend.
Sorry, I'm all about boat life now.
It's drinking o'clock somewhere.
- Yeah, it is!
- [man] I love drinking!
Seriously? You're cheering him?
That thing killed your families.
And our secret families
that were starting to ask questions.
Buggy here is the reason
we get to be on a cruise forever!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Ho!
I'm staying on the boat too.
No one cares, nerd! You're a nerd!
Not up here, man. Not. Up. Here.
[pigeon coos]
[cheering]
Lucy, that was awesome.
You told him
to take that job and shove it.
I know. And he did. He shoved it.
Good riddance.
Me, I signed up for this cruise
after Travis shot my boss with a crossbow.
It's Friday's,
of course we're gonna sleep together.
But now you and me, we're free.
Finally! Matty is such a child.
He wasted a ton of food trying to play
Hungry Hungry Hippos at the zoo.
No! No, you're supposed to wait
till your guy presses you.
Not my problem anymore.
# cruiselife, #paidad.
For real. I haven't thought about
Travis once since we've been here.
Not his sweet-ass frosted tips
or his sweet-ass calf implants,
or walking on the beach
just holding his hand gun.
[sobbing]
We would shoot jellyfish together.
[crying]
What's going on over here, ladies?
Are you crying?
On the Thirsty Princess?
Uh-oh, it's the Fun Police.
Get ready for your fun-ishment, Joy.
No, I'm having fun!
I'm crying
because I'm laughing so hard. [chuckles]
"Fun-ishment." [laughs forcefully]
Your story doesn't add up, Joy.
You were crying
before she made that amazing joke.
- Let's go.
- Please!
I'll be good.
I wanna party. I wanna laugh.
[cheering]
[indistinct chatter]
[in feminine voice] Oh, Mr. President,
secret agent Jack Landgood is here.
That's good.
Land good. Eh?
Because we must defeat the sea.
It is inferior to land in every way.
- You can't sleep on water.
- What about a waterbed?
- Or build a house on water.
- What about a houseboat?
[chuckles nervously]
Get Get in here, Jack.
Why? This movie's pointless.
Okay, Johnny,
this is why you paid Thomas Middleditch
40 million dollars to teach you improv.
Yes, and?
The boat people aren't even watching.
Lucy lives with them now,
everyone likes it better. Who even cares?
This is the worst play I've ever seen.
And I went to a Hebrew School production
of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.
It's a movie!
And you can't talk to a movie, so shut up!
Everybody shut up!
[indistinct chatter]
Maybe we should skip to the president
and Ms. Dirtwell's big romantic song.
[in feminine voice]
I really should be going, Mr. President.
Come on, honey,
let's go check out the cruise.
No way. This is not happening again.
I dump you. Preemptive.
As president, I hereby order
all you choads to get on that cruise ship.
I'm-a gonna win the limbo contest.
Good. Obey your president
'cause I'm the boss.
And don't even try to come back.
You two are useless.
I'm gonna go party on that boat.
And everyone's gonna be like,
"Wow, good partying.
You're so good at this."
Johnny, don't go. Think of your business.
What business?
Because of you,
all my customers are leaving.
Who will go to the amusement park
I wanna build?
It's called Zhao World.
It was gonna be so expensive!
Good. Everyone get on the boat.
This is a win for me.
Well, I'll [grunts]
[grumbles]
My decision. Preemptive.
All right, no goddamn adults!
We can say whatever we want.
But why?
How is that subversive?
[groans, mumbles]
Stupid boat.
Huh?
Oh, farts. I thought you'd all left.
Everyone else did,
but you'll never catch me
on some stupid boat.
Ugh, non-yacht boats are horrid.
They're great when you're trying to send
convicts to an island full of spiders,
but then sometimes
people come back from Australia.
They're gone. All our citizens.
What am I gonna fill our prisons with?
[Jeremy] If it's any comfort,
we English know what it's like
to have America turn its back on you.
And for what?
Delaware?
How did they beat us?
They're too drunk to hit a toilet,
but somehow built a dad-gummed utopia.
Was I wrong?
About everything?
Who cares?
I don't wanna be president of a mug.
Don't bother taking down the flag,
Your Highness.
America survived a civil war,
two Catholic presidents,
and an alien invasion.
But now it's over.
Y'all can have it back.
Oh, capital! And now that this is England,
the official sport is football.
Real football. Play for me.
[whimsical music playing]
[Matty grunts]
- [LaMarr grunts]
- [Jeremy chuckles]
- Yes.
- [Matty grunts]
- [LaMarr groans]
- Oh, wonderful.
- [upbeat music playing]
- [cheering]
Hey, boat lady, did you guys ever
run into any other boats out there?
Because an Australian stole my yacht,
and I miss all my stuff.
Sorry. The only ship we saw
these last few months was friend-ship.
But you can't put a price on that.
I've never had this much fun on a boat.
And I once went on a whale-watch
with all four grandparents.
Cowabunga! Or should I say moose-abunga!
[cheering]
[button chimes]
Ma'am, you've been warned
about non-partying.
How do you still have power?
I assume you generate
electricity in motion,
but how many watt-hours
- [grunts]
- [dramatic sting]
Oh, no. Neil, you dropped me.
[Lucy laughs]
Uh-oh. Looks like someone's
been having a little too much fun.
Some folks just can't handle
their Torpedo Juice.
That's what we called it in the Navy.
And at Old Navy, where I also worked.
Dishonorably discharged from both.
Too funny. [laughs]
Anyway, have you seen Joy?
She was really down about Travis.
I wanna make sure she's okay.
Now who's had too much boat fuel
to drink, Lucy?
There's no one named Joy on this ship.
So how about you shut
that pretty mouth of yours
unless you're using it
to boot and rally or yell "Whoo!"?
[dramatic music playing]
[cheering]
Come on, guys. No jewelry in the pool.
That's, like, the only rule.
Besides have fun all the time.
[party music playing faintly]
[indistinct chatter and laughter]
"To Johnny, my most daughter-like son.
Love, your disappointed father."
She lied.
They did find my yacht.
Okay, oh boy.
- How low can she go?
- I'm-a gonna win.
How low, indeed.
- [cheering]
- [dramatic music playing]
[party music playing]
[song ends]