My Family (2000) s02e01 Episode Script

- Pass me the, erm? - Half Hollenback? Yes, thank you.
Oh.
Doing it like that, are you? Yes, I'm doing it like that because that's the way I do it.
It's just that I tend to favour the Ward's carver myself but (Phone) Are you going to answer that? I suppose so.
What's up with him? Let me put it this way.
Imagine you want to be a dentist.
You spend five years at dental school, fail your final exam and thus harbour a deep resentment against dentists.
Where's the last place you would like to work? Oh.
Hm.
I see.
Would you mind not standing quite so close? I'm sorry.
Just wanted to see if some of the magic would rub off.
Find out "the big secret".
Oh, right.
I see.
Gonna do it like that, are you? - Hello, Nick.
How was your day? - Oh, the usual.
Got up, went to work, got sacked.
- You seem depressed.
- I know.
I got sacked.
- You weren't the last time.
- But that was yesterday.
That's two days in a row.
People will think I'm a useless layabout.
Why hasn't that useless layabout got a job yet? - That is his job.
- God, this new assistant! God! Must be the most irritating man I've ever met.
- Is this the Bulgarian? - Try and keep up.
I've had three assistants since the Bulgarian.
Take my advice.
Never employ a frustrated dentist.
Or marry one.
- She doesn't mean that.
- Did you mean "useless"? - Yes.
- Oh, OK.
- Can I have some of that? - No.
It's 15 years old.
I don't mind.
If he's so annoying, why don't you just sack him? Are you kidding? Ha! This is the first time in my life someone's been jealous of me.
- Oh? - Oh, yeah.
Don't you see? I have arrived.
Ha! It's too delicious.
- But he's got to go.
- Resentment loses its glitter.
I dread to think who that agency will send next.
A one-eyed kleptomaniac with Tourette's syndrome.
Or you could You could always try the agency I've been using.
I don't really want a one-eyed kleptomaniac with Tourette's.
- They're very good.
- How would you know? Well, they fired me.
Called me "chronically unemployable".
They're perceptive, then.
Leave him alone.
His self-esteem is at rock bottom.
Then it's starting to match reality.
(Phone) (Phone keeps ringing) If that's Stupid Brian, I won't talk to him.
Hello? Hello? I know you're there.
I heard a clunk.
Yeah, that's Stupid Brian.
He's always dropping his mobile.
Oh, yes, she's here.
I'll get her.
- It's Brian.
- No.
- No? - We broke up.
He must have forgotten.
- Well, tell him! - No, it's over.
You tell him.
I'm not D Janey! Hello? Er Brian? Er No, it's not Janey.
It's, erm It's her dad.
Yeah.
Erm She said she broke up with you yesterday.
Yes, I'm afraid it is serious.
Oh, look, don't cry, Brian.
Brian, I really think this is for the best.
For both of us.
Yes, look Yes, of course we can still be friends.
Of course, Brian.
Bye-bye, Brian.
Right.
Anyone else want me to perform an unpleasant task? - Nick, want me to sign on for you? - Oh, would you, Dad? - Would you rub cream on my rash? - (Phone) What? Yes? Hello? Janey! Someone called Mark! Any messages you want passing on? Like it's over or you're pregnant? Sorry, Mark.
Joke.
Hi, Mark.
I was just thinking of you.
I've just had an idea.
Nick needs a job.
You need a new assistant.
- Both things are true.
- Well? - What was the idea? - What she's saying is I know what she's saying.
The answer is "In your dreams" or "When hell freezes over.
" Thank you for being so supportive.
There's supportive and there's insane.
You're undermining Nick's confidence.
- No, he's not.
- Yes, I am.
You're too flaky to notice.
There you go again.
Dig, dig, dig.
Do you wonder why he's turned out so flaky, incompetent and lazy? Actually, that does undermine my confidence.
It's because you don't trust him.
Give Nick a job and you'll be surprised.
Yeah, I'll be surprised.
There'll be bats flying out of my arse.
If you're so concerned, why don't you give him a job? - Because that's different.
- Why is it different? (Laughs) Game, set and match Ben Harper.
No.
That was just the warm-up.
- Nick, come and work for me.
- What are the hours like? - See? He doesn't want the job.
- Yes, I do.
- What? - When do I start? (Laughs) - Nick, please pay attention.
- Sorry, Mum.
It's the first time I've had a name badge since McDonald's.
It's good to be back.
Please concentrate.
We're taking a party of 40 on the London Heritage Walk.
All you have to do is do exactly as I do.
- If you're unsure - I'll just wing it.
No.
No.
Just ask.
Now Here's your umbrella.
This is your staff of office.
Your tour guide sceptre.
Actually, Mum, if Buzz Lightyear doesn't know he's a toy, why doesn't he speak when humans are around? What? You said to ask if I wasn't sure of anything.
Be serious.
If you can do this properly, keep your nose clean, - and prove you can hold down a job - Yeah? lt'll really annoy your father.
Gotcha, Mum.
Nick! Nick! Oh! Hi, Mum.
We're just studying.
I know, dear.
Have you seen Nick? - No, he's not home yet.
- God, this is awful.
No, Mum.
You're thinking of "Nick is home".
- Hello, Mark.
- No, I'm Tom.
So you're not the one who called I'll leave it at that.
- (Door slams) - Oh, thank God.
- Glad somebody's pleased to see me.
- Oh.
I thought you were Nick.
That's not funny, Susan.
- Who's that? - That's Tom.
- We're studying.
- Oh, right.
I think I've slipped into a parallel universe.
You thought I was Nick and Janey's studying.
You're so naive.
It was a cover story.
They weren't studying.
They were smooching.
W W What? Hang on.
This is called Tom.
Yesterday it was Mark and the day before, Stupid Brian.
She's young.
She's playing the field.
- She'll grow out of it.
- I should hope so.
- I did.
- I should bloody hope so.
Why did you think I was Nick? No reason.
- How did it go today? - Oh, fine.
No disasters or catastrophes.
That's very good.
Yeah.
In fact, it went so well, I It went so well I sent Nick off by himself.
- You sent Nick off by himself.
- Mm.
(Laughs) - Course you did.
- All right, I lost him.
You wouldn't listen.
He's unemployable.
It's early days.
He needs care, love and tenderness.
- Hiya, Mum.
- Where the hell have you been? Don't ask me what sort of day I've had.
- Where's that beer? - OK.
OK.
So you got lost.
Fine.
But did you have to take my entire tour group with you? Can I have another job? Oh, you led a little tour on your first day.
"Pub Crawl of Old London Town" or "Shops We Can't Go Into Again"? - "Dylan Thomas' London.
" - Oh, the pub crawl, then.
- Right.
- Don't encourage him.
- I was only asking.
- I was talking to Nick.
- Where's your umbrella? - It's at the police station.
- And your badge? - I left it in casualty.
- Your clipboard? - A baboon ran off with it.
Oh, well.
At least you took them to the zoo.
No.
Shut up, you.
This is all your fault.
- Me? - You willed him to fail.
I've been beaming failure rays at him? Yes.
You, lay off the beer.
It's a working day tomorrow.
- Eh? I still got the job? - Yes.
Wow! I've never had a second day before.
- What do I do? - The same as - No, scrub round that.
- You don't have to do this.
Yes, I do.
Only he knows where he left the tour group.
It looks like that old filling's cracked and allowed decay to set in underneath.
The best thing to do is drill it out and give you a new one.
OK.
You're the expert.
- What's going on? - Hello, Mr Harper.
Mr Davis was telling me what he's going to do.
Oh, really? What Mr Davis is going to do is answer the phone, make me a coffee and write up appointments.
If that's the way you want to do it.
- I thought he was the dentist.
- No, I'm the dentist.
I spent five years at Bristol University Dental School.
You've got a cracked filling and decay has set in underneath.
- That's what he said.
- Well, now I'm saying it.
- I thought you were on holiday.
- I went out of the room though it seemed like a holiday.
Now let's get cracking.
Er Actually I think I'll cancel my appointment.
Let me know when you qualify.
Oh, great.
I know, Ben.
I know.
It's a horrible thing, rejection.
I'll pack my things.
And then he just left.
I managed to sack him with a look.
- God, I was good.
- Amazing.
- Don't go over the top.
- Not you.
This letter.
From the school.
About Janey.
Send them a letter of apology and a cheque to cover the damage.
No, they want us to consider sending her to Oxbridge.
Is that code for youth detention centre? This says her grades have gone through the ceiling.
Was she on the floor above, then? Oh, my God.
Look.
Hm.
Signature looks genuine.
Good for Janey.
Just think University.
Our little girl, who we've watched growing up, nurtured and cared for.
Gone.
Our little girl passing her exams and going.
It's wonderful.
I knew she could do it if she applied herself.
The only thing Janey's applied herself to is boys.
There's a different one here every day.
She's obviously giving these boys dates in exchange for private coaching.
Do you know what that sounds like in my book? A very clever plan? - Later, Kev.
- When? When you've explained the theory of value and the classical theory of economics.
- God, Janey, you're insatiable.
- What? Ben! (Ben) Er Hi, Janey.
- And you are? - Kev.
Kev.
- What happened to Tom? - Tom's history.
- Oh.
We're so sorry.
- No.
Tom's history.
Kev's economics.
- And Mark? - French conversation.
So you have a boy for every subject in the curriculum.
- So? - So So I suppose Stupid Brian got the elbow because he's - Stupid.
- Yeah.
Shame, really.
He was so kind, sweet, good-looking and sexy.
Yeah, but I'm a better kisser.
Actually, no.
Are you saying you only want me for my mind? What sort of boy do you think I am? - An economist.
- You've used me, Janey! You'll get used to it.
Only one other boy is any good at economics! And he's gay! Mike, what do you know about economics? Supply and demand.
If I have information you want, you give me money.
Oh! Why is everyone making it so hard to get an education? Why do you want to go to university? It's the only way out of here without getting a job.
- There's prison.
- There's death.
It doesn't make sense.
You at a university.
Have you thought about which one you want to go to? Of course I have.
I'm not an airhead.
What's the one with all the clubs? - Enjoying that? - Yes, thank you.
Got to the bit where the secretary finds it's his gun? - Ben! - How can you read? Let's see That was easy.
- Think what Janey is doing.
- Getting good marks.
Yes.
And Toms and Kevs.
Ahem.
Sleeping with the boss.
Smart move, Dad.
Hercules returns from his labours.
How was day two at the coalface? Good one, Dad.
Actually, Mum told me not to come in today.
- Did she indeed? - Yes.
Staff training.
- He was reading up on background.
- And watching telly.
Funny job, being paid to loaf around at home.
It's not really employment at all.
Sorry, Mum.
Did I drop you in it? I did, didn't I? I'll be in my bedroom if you need me.
- You don't need me, do you? - Just get out! Ha! Advantage Ben Harper.
OK.
I'll sack him tomorrow.
Can I get on with my book? What page are you on? I'm not going to finish this chapter, am I? Playing the field is one thing but doing it to get into university is quite wrong.
Will you talk to Janey or sit here and stew? - Sit here.
It's less trouble.
- For you, maybe.
What am I going to say to her? She doesn't respect me.
She never listens to me.
Sometimes I'm not even sure if she likes me.
Well, there you are, then.
You've got nothing to lose.
The cop's wife did it.
- Hi.
- Working, Dad.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yep.
I thought we'd have a little chat about work.
- And boys.
- You didn't.
- I did.
- You didn't.
All right, I didn't, but I'm here now, OK? - God, she's got you whipped.
- She hasn't.
She has not.
This is all my idea.
And I think this private tuition scheme of yours isn't entirely Completely Not to be dismissive or judgmental Erm Entirely appropriate.
Yep.
That does sound like your idea.
It's not nice to be seeing three blokes at the same time - and getting something back.
- Seven, actually.
What? How many A levels are you taking? There's different papers.
There's language, literature, medieval, modern What do you mean, "not nice"? Well, love love is something special.
Not to be shared.
It is to be shared but not for commercial purposes.
Do you even know where you're going with this? Yep.
In the grand scheme of things Once I get my bearings What I'm trying to say is that there are certain women who In the world, who, in return for payment, offer certain services.
Are you calling me a prostitute? - No.
- You called me a prostitute! - I didn't mean - It's obvious what you meant! I thought I was making you happy! Thanks a lot, Dad! (Groans) That went rather well.
I heard shouting.
There was a lot of plain speaking on both sides.
What have you done? I may have to go away for a while.
Why? I might have called Janey a prostitute.
Oh, Christ! How did you manage that? - It was a metaphor! - I should hope so! - I'm not going to apologise.
- Probably for the best.
You might end up offending her.
- This is all your fault.
- My fault? You were the one who wanted to talk to her.
- (Mimics Janey) Hi, Dad.
- Oh, God.
- She's gone to school.
- You frightened me.
It's good to even things up.
God, Susan, what am I going to do? Skulk about the house in your dressing gown all day.
But after that, how will I deal with the shame and embarrassment? It's never bothered you before.
- Have you told Nick yet? - What? - You're gonna sack him.
- That was a ruse to make you happy.
- Huh.
I'm not happy.
- And I'm not gonna sack him.
And I make that advantage Susan Harper.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh, hello, Janey.
Ha, ha, ha! Game and set.
(Phone) (Ringing continues) Hello.
Is that you, Brian? I heard a clunk.
Oh.
Yeah.
Hello, Dad.
- Did you call me Dad? - Isn't that your name? - No.
- That's what Janey calls you.
Brian, Janey's at school at the moment.
Oh, right.
So am I.
- Why are you calling here? - I want to talk to you.
Me? Why me? I feel we've bonded.
- I've only spoken to you once.
- I know, it's amazing, isn't it? Brian, please.
I'm a very busy man.
I just want Janey back.
I know I'm not as clever as those other guys but - But I really love her.
- Brian It really isn't clever to go out with Janey.
OK? Quite the reverse, in fact.
So what do you do to win a girl back? - You know about women.
- Yeah, well Yeah, well, get her flowers or something.
OK.
Well, how much do I spend? I don't know, Brian.
Ten quid? Cool.
Top idea.
Thanks, Dad.
Bye-bye, Brian.
Bye-bye.
Oh, yes.
What is this? The Truman Show? If you'd like to come this way.
Quick as you can.
There's a lot to get through.
Right.
Here we have a typical English home.
The family seat of the Harper dynasty.
And here we have a typical English man.
Hi, Dad.
Er Hi, Nick.
He's taken a day off to slob around in his dressing gown.
There's the telly and there's his banana sandwich.
- Nick, please! - Just pretend we're not here.
You may be interested to know that he's had a big falling-out with his daughter after he called her a prostitute.
The repercussions of this incident are still with us.
- (Ben) Nick! - Time for a break.
Feel free to use the facilities.
Refreshments in the kitchen.
Don't touch the yogurt cos I've spat in it.
- What are you playing at? - I'm conducting a tour.
I see.
What the hell for? Mum told me to go off and use my initiative.
- In those words? - Well, she told me to go off.
- What are they doing here? - I ran out of sights.
Oh.
They've been to the Tower of London? Good idea.
Tower of London.
Please.
Thank you very much.
Would you put that down, please? There you are, Nick.
Thank goodness I've finally found you.
- You're fired.
- Oh.
OK.
- Happy now? - Happy? I'm ecstatic.
Nick, get all of these people out of here right now.
Sorry, mate.
Not my job any more.
(# Man playing piano) - (Man) 'Can you hold, please? ' - No, I will not hold.
You were supposed to send me an assistant.
He's not here.
- 'He's eminently qualified.
' - I know he is.
I'm looking at his CV.
What I'm not looking at is him.
- 'Who? ' - Ramon Man Lucas.
For the fifth time, Ramon Man Lucas.
(Bad Spanish accent) Hello.
I am Ramon Man Lucas.
Merciful heavens.
I am very highly qualified, with many recommendations from dentists in Spain.
- Are you insane? - No.
I am Ramon Man Lucas.
I am born in Puerto Buenos and educated in Madrid.
I am looking very much forward to working here in England.
I am looking forward to booting you up the backside.
- Get out, Nick.
- Who is Nick? Drop the accent.
I know it's you.
Yes, it is me.
Ramon Man Lucas.
(Normal voice) It's the moustache, isn't it? It was going so well.
What have you done with the real Ramon Man Lucas? It was me all the time! That's the brilliant part! - Can I have a job? - Just close the door.
On your way out.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean, what's the point? I can't work for you.
I can't work for Mum.
Whenever I get a job, I get fired.
Might as well forget about work.
It's just embarrassing for everyone.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Ahem.
It is embarrassing, Nick.
You are incompetent.
But there are people all over the world who are incompetent, many of whom have held onto their jobs because they've never been found out.
And maybe you're the same.
You've just got to find yourself an incompetent boss.
When do I start? OK.
Stand right there.
Don't do anything.
Don't touch anything.
Just watch, OK? Here we go.
Ah.
You're doing it like that, are you? Oh.
Hello, everyone.
Hello.
Hi, Janey.
Going to the kitchen.
Anyone want anything? (Susan) No, thank you.
Janey? - Tea.
- Good.
Good.
- You still haven't forgiven him then? - Oh, yeah.
I've thought about it and I was wrong and he was right.
- In a way.
- When will you tell him? - (Ben) Sugar? - Two.
- Why would I want to do that? - (Doorbell) - Hi.
- Janey, it's Stupid Brian.
Cool.
- Hi, Janey.
- Oh, hi, Brian.
Not too bad, thanks.
- What have you got there? - Flowers.
Oh, great! Well, I was going to buy you flowers but I sort of forgot.
- Oh.
- So I'm giving you ten pounds instead.
What? - It was your dad's idea.
- Here you are, Janey.
Nice cup of tea.
I hate you!