My Mad Fat Diary (2012) s02e01 Episode Script
Alarm!
"Dear diary "Hmm.
" Yeah.
Go.
I don't think I'm strong enough to make it on my own! Give it a go.
You've got your mum, all your friends.
Please, please.
"There is a difference between snacking and bingeing.
" If that's how you feel, maybe we shouldn't be friends.
Oh! I'm pregnant.
Being dead nice to me, then just doing something rude I'm not trying to be heavy.
I don't want to be your friend.
There is always, always, always a way out.
I'm actually mad.
I think you're ready to start therapy.
"Dear Tix "First of all, my diary is full.
"But who needs a diary when I can write to you, fatty? "And second of all, "I've got loads to tell you.
"This summer seems to be going on forever.
"Like the heat of the sun is warping time itself.
"So, I'm still here.
" "And so's Archie.
"And he's still gorgeous.
"Chop and Izzy are still inseparable "And Chloe's still, "well, Chloe.
"And thanks to Karim, my mum's happy too.
"Sometimes, we even look vaguely like a normal family.
" "We're all untouchable.
"And, Tixy, I've got this feeling that I'm not used to.
"It fizzes like cherry cola and tingles like kisses on my neck.
"I think it's called happiness.
" Hey, hey, hey! Welcome drink.
"Oh "I guess there's one person I've not mentioned.
"My Finn.
"I don't even know where to start.
"All I can say is that, well, a lot is going on.
"I suppose I'd better begin at the beginning.
" "It was the day after my mum's wedding.
"Chloe had assembled everyone so we could talk about me being ill.
"She was trying to help, but I wanted someone "to put a bullet in my head.
" Right, OK, so when you have the ketchup bottle, you can ask Rae a question about it.
Maybe we can just talk about it whenever people want? Yeah, why can't we do that? Cos this is a good way of getting everything out there.
And because this is how we're doing it.
All right? "It was agony.
But at least Finn wasn't there.
"I didn't want him thinking I was still ill "Fuck!" Where have you been? Er, soz, Mum! Afternoon.
Afternoon.
Well, I'll go first.
When they took you into hospital, did they proper drag you out, like, and put you in a van? No.
I was already in hospital, because I'd hurt myself.
So, it was voluntary? Actually, you don't have the ketchup bottle.
Don't speak if you don't have the ketchup bottle.
So, it was voluntary? They said they'd agreed it with my mum and then they asked me what I wanted to do, but I think they'd have made me stay anyway.
You're all right now, though? Are you? Yes.
I'm better.
"We met that night, Tixy.
Just him and me.
"We hadn't said it was a date, but it definitely was a date.
" "By the way, "his arse is so beautiful that sometimes, "I have to stop myself from crying when I look at it.
" Not too shabby, Findlay.
Right, you're up.
Are you sure you don't want the bumpers up? No, I'll be all right.
Aim just to the left or the right of the centre one, yeah? Just try and hit 'em.
I thought you said you'd never played before! I say a lot of things.
That's how it's going to be, is it? That's how it's going to be.
"I was in heaven, Tix.
"It was the greatest date in the history of dating.
" It's been two days and he still hasn't called.
I'm such an idiot! It clearly wasn't a date.
I thought it might not be a date.
You guys hang out all the time.
Have you even kissed yet? No.
I don't think it was a date.
What about what he wrote on your back? He must like you.
Yeah, well, the thing with that was I'd had three Tia Marias.
So maybe he actually wrote something really weird, like "I'm an emu.
" Rae Oh Maybe you're right about what he wrote, but he meant it as a friend.
I don't want him as a friend.
I want him to go down on me for so long that he has to evolve gills.
All right, calm down and drink some of your coke.
I think I might know why he hasn't been in touch, Rae.
Why? It's because you beat him at bowling.
What? Men don't like being beaten at sports.
Do they not? No, seriously.
They feel like it, um, emasculates them.
I read it in Just Seventeen.
What am I going to do? My relationship is over and it hasn't even begun.
No, no, calm down.
You need to be in a situation with him where he can show you that he's manly.
Mm-hm.
You know? Where he can show you that he is strong and he is fierce.
Yeah.
Fierce.
What you need to do.
Yeah.
That's it, run! Yeah, go on! Kick! You can score a goal! I know you're tired, but you can do it! Woo! Loving your work, Finn! Loving your work! Oh, no.
It stinks in here.
They add that boy smell, so you know you're in a changing room! You looked good out there.
Proper manly.
You say the weirdest stuff sometimes! You do.
You don't think I'm weird, though, do you? No.
I don't want you to think I'm weird by asking if you think I'm weird.
By the way, I'm not paranoid about stuff like that, I'm not some kind of person "Oh, my God!" You don't have to kiss me because you feel sorry for me.
I'm not kissing you cos I feel sorry for you.
I'm kissing you because I want to.
And also, maybe to shut you up a little bit.
"And that was our first kiss, amongst the dirty socks, "with the smell of sweat and dirt, both of us covered in blood.
"It was perfect.
"PS - in your face, Chloe, I knew it was a date! "And that brings me back to the present day, "Where you will find Finn, with his index ".
.
and middle finger upon my lady area.
" You all right? Good? "What if I can't relax? "What if I get so nervous that my vagina turns to stone "and I can't feel anything? "Or even worse, what if Finn didn't know what he was doing? "I had hours and days and weeks of experience in the lady area, "I knew how it operated.
"What if I had to fake an orgasm? "How the hell do you fake an orgasm?! "What if he couldn't find my?" Oh! Holy Lord Jesus Christ! Fuck.
Shh.
Feel good? It's all right, yeah.
"This is heaven.
I'm actually in heaven.
"He's using his thumb to tap.
"Oh, my God! He's a sex wizard!" Oh, hi, Finn.
I didn't know you were here.
Hiya.
What you doing, Rae? What do you want, Mum? We're having a hotpot for tea, so I need you to run down to the corner shop and get me some red cabbage.
You burst in here because of red cabbage? You can't have a hotpot without red cabbage, can you, Finn? No.
No, you can't, no.
Are you staying for tea, lovely? No, I've got football.
Thanks, though.
Guys, I'm happy.
I'm so happy.
I'm sorry I'm a bit emotional at the moment.
I think I'm going through changes.
You know, Finn? Changes.
Yeah.
My mum went through her changes early as well.
Sorry.
Red cabbage.
Is she all right? Yeah, ignore her, she's a weirdo.
Look, I've got to get to football.
Oh, but "And then he said it, Tix.
Three little words.
"No, not I love you.
Even better.
" To be continued.
"And there go my ovaries!" I'm happy.
Yeah? Yeah.
Good.
How's the diary? Look, don't be mad, but I've stopped it.
It's your diary.
It was useful when I was struggling, but I'm not so it's not.
There's a couple of things I wanted to talk to you about.
The first thing is, I run a group therapy session once a week, and I think it would be really good for you.
Just so you know you're not alone.
Nah.
Danny goes.
I know he'd love to see you there.
I think he misses you and he could do with cheering up right now.
We all could.
Well, just say you'll think about it.
I'll think about it.
The other thing I wanted to say I think there's something we've been avoiding talking about.
I think we both know what that is.
Oh.
Time's up.
See ya! So I guess you girls are planning on doing you-know-what? I haven't really thought about my first time.
But I want it to be perfect.
I want it to be in a big four-poster bed with white satin sheets, and Chop's lit some candles and put some rose petals down, and he's opened a bottle of wine, but the butler only brought one glass, so we have to share.
Butler? Yeah.
And the balcony windows are open a little bit, and I can hear church bells.
So, you haven't really thought about it, then? What about you, Rae? Hmm.
I want Finn naked, covered in Dairylea.
Rae The Dairylea is optional.
I dunno.
The other night, we were getting really close, but then he just rushed off.
Well, do you think he's nervous about moving too fast cos you were ill? What d'you mean? Because Finn's nice, isn't he? Yeah.
You know, maybe he's worried it'll be too much, or whatever.
Maybe you need to be more forward, you know, let him know that you're ready.
Anyway, I suggest you girls get it in the bag as soon as possible.
Why? Well, college starts very soon.
Do you really want to be the only girls to turn up with your V plates intact? She's talking about us being virgins still.
Yeah.
I got it.
You girls need to get it in the bag, and quick.
This is both disgusting and depressing.
What a treat.
Maybe we should kiss? Right.
Me and Izzy have decided we're going camping.
What? I hate camping.
Why do we have to go sleep in a field when we've got perfectly good beds? Ow! Did you just kick me? We don't need a reason to have fun, Archie.
Don't be so boring.
We just thought that it would be something nice to do before college starts.
You know, celebrate the end of summer.
When were you thinking of going? Next Saturday.
What? What? What are you doing? I thought we wanted to go camping before college starts.
Yeah.
College starts next Monday.
No.
College starts this Monday.
In five days.
Guys, when does college start? College starts this Monday.
They sent out, like, over the holidays.
I'm not even going and I knew that.
Rae Rae You all right, Raemundo? Good, yeah.
So, when's camping? Saturday? Yeah.
Jesus.
Has anyone even got a tent? No.
No.
Good.
This should be great! Where's my mail? Um, I don't know.
Why don't you look in the place? What place? Behind the pig on the radiator.
What the fuck Jesus Christ! How long have you been putting my mail behind that pig? College starts on Monday.
I've got to get an outfit, I've got to get my timetable sorted Are Are you wearing my top? You don't mind, do you? I thought it looked quite funky.
"Funky"? Yeah, that's what you guys say now, isn't it? Which guys? I like it when we have a laugh like this, Rae.
We're like sisters sometimes, really, aren't we? No.
Are you on drugs? Just trying to look younger.
Why? Look, I'm going through the change.
Karim is already 12 years younger than me.
How is he going to feel being married to an old woman that is drying up? Weird things are happening to me.
I cried at Wheel Of Fortune today.
'Five days till college, Tixy.
' 'It's not that I'm worried about it, Tix.
I'm not even bothered.
'I've got 107 hours, 16 minutes 'and 28 seconds until college starts' '.
.
to get ready, to prepare myself.
'And, oh, yeah, to pop my cherry.
' Right, so, what do people wear to college? Just anything? Or are there any don'ts? Rae, we're not here to shop for college.
You and Izzy are here to shop for camping.
Oh, we're getting tents? No, Rae.
Come on.
'Oh, tits.
' You can't have a full cup, Rae.
It's all about the half cup.
Well, what about support? Bollocks to support.
It's all about looking amazing.
Right, what do you reckon? That'd look so amazing on you, Chlo.
What have we here, then? These breasts are good, but small.
They need lifting.
These breasts are good, but big.
They need shaping.
'I felt like I was in Goldilocks And The Three Bears.
'Of course, guess whose tits were just like the baby bear's porridge 'just right.
' These breasts are very good.
I don't like them, cos I like a challenge and these breasts don't bloody challenge me.
That's a compliment, love.
32C.
So, matching tops and bottoms? Yeah.
We all want proper lingerie.
'The worst thing though, Tix, was that a lot of the stuff was so nice.
'It was so pretty and delicate.
'It just wasn't made for someone whose body wasn't pretty, 'wasn't delicate.
' Love? Come on.
Don't be scared of your own tits.
'The funny thing was, Tix, is that all I wanted to do was go 'and show Finn what I'd bought, get him excited for camping.
'Bollocks to mine and Izzy's shagus pactus.
'The clock was ticking.
Maybe he'd ask me to try it on 'and he wouldn't be able to resist.
' Rae.
You're just in time! I was just about to stick on me limited edition Brothers In Arms vinyl.
I can't promise I won't break into some serious air guitaring during Money For Nothing! Um We can rain check.
Yeah, um, let's rain check.
Is Finn in? Yeah, he's upstairs.
Come in.
Holy fuck.
It's not what most people would do with a bottle of whisky at the weekend but this is the ninth annual .
.
phenomenon that's baffled the Over 2,000 .
.
and needs to be seen to be believed.
When there's no more .
.
balls.
A few new tricks from fellow perf 'Tixy, I feel like my mind has been poisoned by beauty.
'I was so annoyed at myself.
I had the perfect chance 'to throw a pint of sex in his face, and I blew it.
' All right, fatty? Er, where have you two been? We've just been out having fun, like young couples do, you know.
No, I don't.
What's that? Special TV.
Just a new TV.
But check this out.
It's got a VCR built in.
What, built in? Yeah.
Built in to the TV? Yeah.
Yeah, good, because the remote control for that piece of junk there has stopped working.
Oh, well, it's not for down here.
It's for mine and Karim's room.
What? Why are you putting a video player in your room? Don't argue, Rae.
If you want one for yourself, get a job and save up.
But you don't even own any videos.
'Tix, my mum is still hugely selfish.
'She doesn't even own any videos, for fuck's sake.
' She doesn't even own any video Missionary: Impossible.
That's impossible! 'These people can't be real, Tix.
'They were probably made in a sex factory somewhere near Munich.
' 'Hang on a minute.
Something's missing.
' OK, Rachel.
What style did you decide on in the end? Oh, just the standard.
I just want my bikini line doing.
OK.
How much is it? It's ã7.
50 for a standard.
Let's call it a tenner.
'Now, just think about something nice and lovely.
'Lovely clouds.
Kittens.
Flowers.
Puppies.
' 'Fluffy bastard cloud kittens!' How was it? Well, my lady clam no longer looks like a barber's bin, if that's what you mean.
Are you nervous about camping tomorrow? A little bit.
I'm excited but you know the other day at the bra shop? Yeah.
Chloe looked so good in her underwear.
She looked perfect.
I just was worried that I don't look like that.
I don't think many people look perfect.
Isabelle? 'Thank God for Izzy.
'Thank God that someone else felt the way I did.
'That someone else wasn't' Perfect.
So what d'you think has changed? Why d'you think you're happy? You told me to start liking myself.
And do you? I've got a boyfriend.
Right.
He's delicious.
Too delicious.
What d'you mean, too delicious? Nothing.
It was a joke.
I dunno.
It's easier to like yourself when someone likes you, isn't it? You should like yourself because you're a good person, not because someone else likes you.
I didn't say that.
What did you say? At our last session we ran out of time.
We didn't get to finish what we were talking about.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.
I've been waiting for you to bring it up in your own time, but now I'm beginning to worry that we're just avoiding the subject.
Why can't you just be like a proper therapist? Punch pillows and play word association? I'm afraid we don't do any of that.
I'd like it more if we did.
Right.
Word association.
I say a word, you say the first thing that comes into your head.
Home.
Bedroom.
Tree.
Bark.
Dog.
Bark.
Mum.
Dad.
Dad.
Man.
Kester.
Divorce.
Rae.
Davies.
Rae.
Me.
Boys.
Gents.
Food.
Eat.
Tix.
Friend.
Skin.
Itchy.
Dog.
Bite.
Boys.
Fat.
Food.
Fat.
Rae.
Fat.
I do like myself.
'Check.
' 'Check.
' 'It's here, Tix.
The day of Operation Bang Out has arrived.
'I needed to take it up a notch.
'I had to do something I'd never attempted before.
'Flirt.
' Finn, what are you Get in the back seat.
Now! D'you want water? Here.
'Say something.
Anything.
' I was just thinking about how sexy you were.
Oi! You'll make me crash.
I was thinking about tonight, too.
What's What's happening tonight? Doesn't matter.
Who's in with me? I'll get in with Archie.
So we ended up having to ring Dan Rigby, but I got two tents.
Two?! Yeah.
Two free manors.
So me and Izzy can sleep in with Archie and you two can sleep in with Chlo.
We said, "Get three tents.
" What am I, Captain Fucking Tent Shop? Why am I the one always sorting stuff? I'm not Del Boy.
I get zero appreciation for it.
That's bloody marvellous.
I got you a copy of the photos from the beer garden the other day.
Thanks.
It's inevitable, Izzy.
Thanks to this tent situation, we are pretty much turning up to college virgins.
Actually, er I need to tell you something.
Me and Chop had sex last night.
What?! How could you let that happen? We had a pact.
Yeah, well, it wasn't like that.
I went over to Chop's to show him the new underwear I bought to get him excited for camping and stuff, and then well we did it.
It wasn't like I imagined it.
It was on the couch in his lounge.
Crimewatch was on in the background, and Crimewatch scares me a little bit, so I was a bit distracted, but I enjoyed it, though.
The sex, I mean.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
'So there I was, Tix, the last virgin standing.
'Two days to college, two shared tents and zero chance of a shag.
' What's up? It's Chloe.
She keeps touching me.
Touching you how? You know, touching touching.
She's pretty tactile.
Maybe she's just touching you the same amount as always.
Yeah, maybe.
At least you're getting touched anyway.
What's up? I'll tell you what's up, Archie.
I'm wearing ridiculous underwear that is offering no support whatsoever to my boobs.
Here.
Oh, God, that feels good.
I fucking hate camping.
Me, too.
You all right, Raemundo? Yeah.
But what about in yourself, like? I'm fine.
Wanna go for a walk, girl? Cute, aren't they? Yeah.
You know you don't have to give me space, don't you? What d'you mean? I mean that I know I've been ill but you're the only one who doesn't ask if I'm all right all the time.
I like that.
That you just treat me normal.
I like you.
I'm glad you like me.
Because I've got a surprise for you.
Oh What's this? When I say, "To be continued," I mean, to be continued.
'Jesus.
'I was so turned on, we were gonna need a canoe and life jackets.
' 'Maybe sometimes it does happen how you imagine it 'cos I felt like I was in a movie.
'Not a crap one.
'An amazing, brilliant, unbelievable, 'mega, fucking awesome one.
' You OK? I just need to freshen up.
What the fuck are you doing? 'It was the first time I'd seen us together.
' 'I knew he was out of my league, but I didn't know just how much.
' 'No-one could understand why we were together, and all of a sudden 'neither could I.
' Is everything OK? Yeah Um I've just got a massive headache.
Why didn't you say, you numpty? You know what's good for headaches, don't you? Vodka! D'you want one? I'll get two glasses.
'Tixy, I have totally, utterly and unquestionably 'failed to lose my virginity.
'I may as well go to college with it written on my face.
' Oh! Oh, my God, Rae, you need to help me.
What? Chloe! Because you and Finn went off last night, we ended up sharing a tent on our own! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! I turn around to get in my sleeping bag and when I turn back, she's laying there in some sexy lingerie number.
Oh, my God! What did you do? I let her kiss me for a minute, and then What? I pretended I was asleep.
I feel terrible.
Oh, my God! Can we go back to civilisation now, please?! You all right? Yeah.
'Summer's over, Tixy.
'The bubble's burst.
' Rae I wanted to ask you something.
What? Have you been in mine and Karim's room recently? No.
Why? No reason.
How's that TV/VCR working out? It's all right, yeah.
Like you said, I don't own any videos, so Well, maybe you should bring it downstairs, then? Unless you're planning on watching videos on it when you're in bed.
No, I wasn't planning on doing that.
So Yes, good idea.
Cool.
Anyway, you better get some sleep.
College tomorrow.
'I still had time, Tix.
Ten hours, eight minutes and 14 seconds 'to sleep, to get ready, to prepare myself.
' Come on, get up! You're late! Look at you! New beginnings and all that.
How are you feeling, anyway? I wish people would stop asking me that.
People only ask because they care about you, love.
I know you must be nervous about today, what with everything that happened, you know, at your old school.
But I'm really proud of you, Rae, how you're coping.
Four months ago, I would never have said you were well enough to go to college.
Yeah.
'Mum was right, Tix.
I had the gang now.
'It wasn't going to be like last time.
' Good morning! How are you?! I got you a brew.
How's your migraine? All right.
'I've got Finn now, Tixy.
' 'It wasn't going to be like last time.
' Do I look all right? Cos I want to make a good impression.
For who?! It's only college! It's all right for you, Finn.
You're a boy and you're in second year.
Everyone'll be staring at us.
They're not going to be staring.
They so are.
We're fresh meat, babe.
It's like they're all sitting at our restaurant waiting for the delivery and we're the food.
Oi! You two are taken.
Remember that.
'I had the gang now, Tixy.
'It wasn't going to be like last time.
' Tonight, babe.
Yeah.
Bye.
See you later.
'I've got Finn now.
'It wasn't going to be like last time.
' Boys.
Fat.
Food.
Fat.
Rae.
Fat.
Boys.
Fat.
Rae.
Fat.
Food.
Fat.
Rae.
Fat.
Rae.
Fat.
D'you know where the toilets are? Round there.
Why, what's wrong? Nothing.
I'll see you in a bit, yeah? Give us a shout if you need anything, though.
Rae? See you later, then.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck indeed.
If I find out which one of you jokers set off the fire alarm, that's it, you're done for the year.
'I've been living in denial, Tix.
'About being better, about me and Finn.
'About everything.
' Rae? I'm a mess.
I miss her.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Then why aren't you more upset? You don't even seem upset.
I'm devastated, Rae.
I'm sorry I didn't go to the funeral.
I just I couldn't.
It's only a funeral.
You know she wouldn't have cared.
But funerals do have their purpose.
They're places where we get to say goodbye.
Bye, Tix.
'Dear Diary, there are two things you should know about me.
'I'm still fat.
'And I'm still mad.
' Rae! I've missed you.
Oh, Danny, I've missed you, too.
How are you doing? Not the best, to be honest.
Where's your hats? What hats? All right, everybody.
Welcome to group.
Let's just jump right in, will we? So, has anybody got anything they want to share this week? Liam, what about you? Different week.
Same old bullshit.
" Yeah.
Go.
I don't think I'm strong enough to make it on my own! Give it a go.
You've got your mum, all your friends.
Please, please.
"There is a difference between snacking and bingeing.
" If that's how you feel, maybe we shouldn't be friends.
Oh! I'm pregnant.
Being dead nice to me, then just doing something rude I'm not trying to be heavy.
I don't want to be your friend.
There is always, always, always a way out.
I'm actually mad.
I think you're ready to start therapy.
"Dear Tix "First of all, my diary is full.
"But who needs a diary when I can write to you, fatty? "And second of all, "I've got loads to tell you.
"This summer seems to be going on forever.
"Like the heat of the sun is warping time itself.
"So, I'm still here.
" "And so's Archie.
"And he's still gorgeous.
"Chop and Izzy are still inseparable "And Chloe's still, "well, Chloe.
"And thanks to Karim, my mum's happy too.
"Sometimes, we even look vaguely like a normal family.
" "We're all untouchable.
"And, Tixy, I've got this feeling that I'm not used to.
"It fizzes like cherry cola and tingles like kisses on my neck.
"I think it's called happiness.
" Hey, hey, hey! Welcome drink.
"Oh "I guess there's one person I've not mentioned.
"My Finn.
"I don't even know where to start.
"All I can say is that, well, a lot is going on.
"I suppose I'd better begin at the beginning.
" "It was the day after my mum's wedding.
"Chloe had assembled everyone so we could talk about me being ill.
"She was trying to help, but I wanted someone "to put a bullet in my head.
" Right, OK, so when you have the ketchup bottle, you can ask Rae a question about it.
Maybe we can just talk about it whenever people want? Yeah, why can't we do that? Cos this is a good way of getting everything out there.
And because this is how we're doing it.
All right? "It was agony.
But at least Finn wasn't there.
"I didn't want him thinking I was still ill "Fuck!" Where have you been? Er, soz, Mum! Afternoon.
Afternoon.
Well, I'll go first.
When they took you into hospital, did they proper drag you out, like, and put you in a van? No.
I was already in hospital, because I'd hurt myself.
So, it was voluntary? Actually, you don't have the ketchup bottle.
Don't speak if you don't have the ketchup bottle.
So, it was voluntary? They said they'd agreed it with my mum and then they asked me what I wanted to do, but I think they'd have made me stay anyway.
You're all right now, though? Are you? Yes.
I'm better.
"We met that night, Tixy.
Just him and me.
"We hadn't said it was a date, but it definitely was a date.
" "By the way, "his arse is so beautiful that sometimes, "I have to stop myself from crying when I look at it.
" Not too shabby, Findlay.
Right, you're up.
Are you sure you don't want the bumpers up? No, I'll be all right.
Aim just to the left or the right of the centre one, yeah? Just try and hit 'em.
I thought you said you'd never played before! I say a lot of things.
That's how it's going to be, is it? That's how it's going to be.
"I was in heaven, Tix.
"It was the greatest date in the history of dating.
" It's been two days and he still hasn't called.
I'm such an idiot! It clearly wasn't a date.
I thought it might not be a date.
You guys hang out all the time.
Have you even kissed yet? No.
I don't think it was a date.
What about what he wrote on your back? He must like you.
Yeah, well, the thing with that was I'd had three Tia Marias.
So maybe he actually wrote something really weird, like "I'm an emu.
" Rae Oh Maybe you're right about what he wrote, but he meant it as a friend.
I don't want him as a friend.
I want him to go down on me for so long that he has to evolve gills.
All right, calm down and drink some of your coke.
I think I might know why he hasn't been in touch, Rae.
Why? It's because you beat him at bowling.
What? Men don't like being beaten at sports.
Do they not? No, seriously.
They feel like it, um, emasculates them.
I read it in Just Seventeen.
What am I going to do? My relationship is over and it hasn't even begun.
No, no, calm down.
You need to be in a situation with him where he can show you that he's manly.
Mm-hm.
You know? Where he can show you that he is strong and he is fierce.
Yeah.
Fierce.
What you need to do.
Yeah.
That's it, run! Yeah, go on! Kick! You can score a goal! I know you're tired, but you can do it! Woo! Loving your work, Finn! Loving your work! Oh, no.
It stinks in here.
They add that boy smell, so you know you're in a changing room! You looked good out there.
Proper manly.
You say the weirdest stuff sometimes! You do.
You don't think I'm weird, though, do you? No.
I don't want you to think I'm weird by asking if you think I'm weird.
By the way, I'm not paranoid about stuff like that, I'm not some kind of person "Oh, my God!" You don't have to kiss me because you feel sorry for me.
I'm not kissing you cos I feel sorry for you.
I'm kissing you because I want to.
And also, maybe to shut you up a little bit.
"And that was our first kiss, amongst the dirty socks, "with the smell of sweat and dirt, both of us covered in blood.
"It was perfect.
"PS - in your face, Chloe, I knew it was a date! "And that brings me back to the present day, "Where you will find Finn, with his index ".
.
and middle finger upon my lady area.
" You all right? Good? "What if I can't relax? "What if I get so nervous that my vagina turns to stone "and I can't feel anything? "Or even worse, what if Finn didn't know what he was doing? "I had hours and days and weeks of experience in the lady area, "I knew how it operated.
"What if I had to fake an orgasm? "How the hell do you fake an orgasm?! "What if he couldn't find my?" Oh! Holy Lord Jesus Christ! Fuck.
Shh.
Feel good? It's all right, yeah.
"This is heaven.
I'm actually in heaven.
"He's using his thumb to tap.
"Oh, my God! He's a sex wizard!" Oh, hi, Finn.
I didn't know you were here.
Hiya.
What you doing, Rae? What do you want, Mum? We're having a hotpot for tea, so I need you to run down to the corner shop and get me some red cabbage.
You burst in here because of red cabbage? You can't have a hotpot without red cabbage, can you, Finn? No.
No, you can't, no.
Are you staying for tea, lovely? No, I've got football.
Thanks, though.
Guys, I'm happy.
I'm so happy.
I'm sorry I'm a bit emotional at the moment.
I think I'm going through changes.
You know, Finn? Changes.
Yeah.
My mum went through her changes early as well.
Sorry.
Red cabbage.
Is she all right? Yeah, ignore her, she's a weirdo.
Look, I've got to get to football.
Oh, but "And then he said it, Tix.
Three little words.
"No, not I love you.
Even better.
" To be continued.
"And there go my ovaries!" I'm happy.
Yeah? Yeah.
Good.
How's the diary? Look, don't be mad, but I've stopped it.
It's your diary.
It was useful when I was struggling, but I'm not so it's not.
There's a couple of things I wanted to talk to you about.
The first thing is, I run a group therapy session once a week, and I think it would be really good for you.
Just so you know you're not alone.
Nah.
Danny goes.
I know he'd love to see you there.
I think he misses you and he could do with cheering up right now.
We all could.
Well, just say you'll think about it.
I'll think about it.
The other thing I wanted to say I think there's something we've been avoiding talking about.
I think we both know what that is.
Oh.
Time's up.
See ya! So I guess you girls are planning on doing you-know-what? I haven't really thought about my first time.
But I want it to be perfect.
I want it to be in a big four-poster bed with white satin sheets, and Chop's lit some candles and put some rose petals down, and he's opened a bottle of wine, but the butler only brought one glass, so we have to share.
Butler? Yeah.
And the balcony windows are open a little bit, and I can hear church bells.
So, you haven't really thought about it, then? What about you, Rae? Hmm.
I want Finn naked, covered in Dairylea.
Rae The Dairylea is optional.
I dunno.
The other night, we were getting really close, but then he just rushed off.
Well, do you think he's nervous about moving too fast cos you were ill? What d'you mean? Because Finn's nice, isn't he? Yeah.
You know, maybe he's worried it'll be too much, or whatever.
Maybe you need to be more forward, you know, let him know that you're ready.
Anyway, I suggest you girls get it in the bag as soon as possible.
Why? Well, college starts very soon.
Do you really want to be the only girls to turn up with your V plates intact? She's talking about us being virgins still.
Yeah.
I got it.
You girls need to get it in the bag, and quick.
This is both disgusting and depressing.
What a treat.
Maybe we should kiss? Right.
Me and Izzy have decided we're going camping.
What? I hate camping.
Why do we have to go sleep in a field when we've got perfectly good beds? Ow! Did you just kick me? We don't need a reason to have fun, Archie.
Don't be so boring.
We just thought that it would be something nice to do before college starts.
You know, celebrate the end of summer.
When were you thinking of going? Next Saturday.
What? What? What are you doing? I thought we wanted to go camping before college starts.
Yeah.
College starts next Monday.
No.
College starts this Monday.
In five days.
Guys, when does college start? College starts this Monday.
They sent out, like, over the holidays.
I'm not even going and I knew that.
Rae Rae You all right, Raemundo? Good, yeah.
So, when's camping? Saturday? Yeah.
Jesus.
Has anyone even got a tent? No.
No.
Good.
This should be great! Where's my mail? Um, I don't know.
Why don't you look in the place? What place? Behind the pig on the radiator.
What the fuck Jesus Christ! How long have you been putting my mail behind that pig? College starts on Monday.
I've got to get an outfit, I've got to get my timetable sorted Are Are you wearing my top? You don't mind, do you? I thought it looked quite funky.
"Funky"? Yeah, that's what you guys say now, isn't it? Which guys? I like it when we have a laugh like this, Rae.
We're like sisters sometimes, really, aren't we? No.
Are you on drugs? Just trying to look younger.
Why? Look, I'm going through the change.
Karim is already 12 years younger than me.
How is he going to feel being married to an old woman that is drying up? Weird things are happening to me.
I cried at Wheel Of Fortune today.
'Five days till college, Tixy.
' 'It's not that I'm worried about it, Tix.
I'm not even bothered.
'I've got 107 hours, 16 minutes 'and 28 seconds until college starts' '.
.
to get ready, to prepare myself.
'And, oh, yeah, to pop my cherry.
' Right, so, what do people wear to college? Just anything? Or are there any don'ts? Rae, we're not here to shop for college.
You and Izzy are here to shop for camping.
Oh, we're getting tents? No, Rae.
Come on.
'Oh, tits.
' You can't have a full cup, Rae.
It's all about the half cup.
Well, what about support? Bollocks to support.
It's all about looking amazing.
Right, what do you reckon? That'd look so amazing on you, Chlo.
What have we here, then? These breasts are good, but small.
They need lifting.
These breasts are good, but big.
They need shaping.
'I felt like I was in Goldilocks And The Three Bears.
'Of course, guess whose tits were just like the baby bear's porridge 'just right.
' These breasts are very good.
I don't like them, cos I like a challenge and these breasts don't bloody challenge me.
That's a compliment, love.
32C.
So, matching tops and bottoms? Yeah.
We all want proper lingerie.
'The worst thing though, Tix, was that a lot of the stuff was so nice.
'It was so pretty and delicate.
'It just wasn't made for someone whose body wasn't pretty, 'wasn't delicate.
' Love? Come on.
Don't be scared of your own tits.
'The funny thing was, Tix, is that all I wanted to do was go 'and show Finn what I'd bought, get him excited for camping.
'Bollocks to mine and Izzy's shagus pactus.
'The clock was ticking.
Maybe he'd ask me to try it on 'and he wouldn't be able to resist.
' Rae.
You're just in time! I was just about to stick on me limited edition Brothers In Arms vinyl.
I can't promise I won't break into some serious air guitaring during Money For Nothing! Um We can rain check.
Yeah, um, let's rain check.
Is Finn in? Yeah, he's upstairs.
Come in.
Holy fuck.
It's not what most people would do with a bottle of whisky at the weekend but this is the ninth annual .
.
phenomenon that's baffled the Over 2,000 .
.
and needs to be seen to be believed.
When there's no more .
.
balls.
A few new tricks from fellow perf 'Tixy, I feel like my mind has been poisoned by beauty.
'I was so annoyed at myself.
I had the perfect chance 'to throw a pint of sex in his face, and I blew it.
' All right, fatty? Er, where have you two been? We've just been out having fun, like young couples do, you know.
No, I don't.
What's that? Special TV.
Just a new TV.
But check this out.
It's got a VCR built in.
What, built in? Yeah.
Built in to the TV? Yeah.
Yeah, good, because the remote control for that piece of junk there has stopped working.
Oh, well, it's not for down here.
It's for mine and Karim's room.
What? Why are you putting a video player in your room? Don't argue, Rae.
If you want one for yourself, get a job and save up.
But you don't even own any videos.
'Tix, my mum is still hugely selfish.
'She doesn't even own any videos, for fuck's sake.
' She doesn't even own any video Missionary: Impossible.
That's impossible! 'These people can't be real, Tix.
'They were probably made in a sex factory somewhere near Munich.
' 'Hang on a minute.
Something's missing.
' OK, Rachel.
What style did you decide on in the end? Oh, just the standard.
I just want my bikini line doing.
OK.
How much is it? It's ã7.
50 for a standard.
Let's call it a tenner.
'Now, just think about something nice and lovely.
'Lovely clouds.
Kittens.
Flowers.
Puppies.
' 'Fluffy bastard cloud kittens!' How was it? Well, my lady clam no longer looks like a barber's bin, if that's what you mean.
Are you nervous about camping tomorrow? A little bit.
I'm excited but you know the other day at the bra shop? Yeah.
Chloe looked so good in her underwear.
She looked perfect.
I just was worried that I don't look like that.
I don't think many people look perfect.
Isabelle? 'Thank God for Izzy.
'Thank God that someone else felt the way I did.
'That someone else wasn't' Perfect.
So what d'you think has changed? Why d'you think you're happy? You told me to start liking myself.
And do you? I've got a boyfriend.
Right.
He's delicious.
Too delicious.
What d'you mean, too delicious? Nothing.
It was a joke.
I dunno.
It's easier to like yourself when someone likes you, isn't it? You should like yourself because you're a good person, not because someone else likes you.
I didn't say that.
What did you say? At our last session we ran out of time.
We didn't get to finish what we were talking about.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.
I've been waiting for you to bring it up in your own time, but now I'm beginning to worry that we're just avoiding the subject.
Why can't you just be like a proper therapist? Punch pillows and play word association? I'm afraid we don't do any of that.
I'd like it more if we did.
Right.
Word association.
I say a word, you say the first thing that comes into your head.
Home.
Bedroom.
Tree.
Bark.
Dog.
Bark.
Mum.
Dad.
Dad.
Man.
Kester.
Divorce.
Rae.
Davies.
Rae.
Me.
Boys.
Gents.
Food.
Eat.
Tix.
Friend.
Skin.
Itchy.
Dog.
Bite.
Boys.
Fat.
Food.
Fat.
Rae.
Fat.
I do like myself.
'Check.
' 'Check.
' 'It's here, Tix.
The day of Operation Bang Out has arrived.
'I needed to take it up a notch.
'I had to do something I'd never attempted before.
'Flirt.
' Finn, what are you Get in the back seat.
Now! D'you want water? Here.
'Say something.
Anything.
' I was just thinking about how sexy you were.
Oi! You'll make me crash.
I was thinking about tonight, too.
What's What's happening tonight? Doesn't matter.
Who's in with me? I'll get in with Archie.
So we ended up having to ring Dan Rigby, but I got two tents.
Two?! Yeah.
Two free manors.
So me and Izzy can sleep in with Archie and you two can sleep in with Chlo.
We said, "Get three tents.
" What am I, Captain Fucking Tent Shop? Why am I the one always sorting stuff? I'm not Del Boy.
I get zero appreciation for it.
That's bloody marvellous.
I got you a copy of the photos from the beer garden the other day.
Thanks.
It's inevitable, Izzy.
Thanks to this tent situation, we are pretty much turning up to college virgins.
Actually, er I need to tell you something.
Me and Chop had sex last night.
What?! How could you let that happen? We had a pact.
Yeah, well, it wasn't like that.
I went over to Chop's to show him the new underwear I bought to get him excited for camping and stuff, and then well we did it.
It wasn't like I imagined it.
It was on the couch in his lounge.
Crimewatch was on in the background, and Crimewatch scares me a little bit, so I was a bit distracted, but I enjoyed it, though.
The sex, I mean.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
'So there I was, Tix, the last virgin standing.
'Two days to college, two shared tents and zero chance of a shag.
' What's up? It's Chloe.
She keeps touching me.
Touching you how? You know, touching touching.
She's pretty tactile.
Maybe she's just touching you the same amount as always.
Yeah, maybe.
At least you're getting touched anyway.
What's up? I'll tell you what's up, Archie.
I'm wearing ridiculous underwear that is offering no support whatsoever to my boobs.
Here.
Oh, God, that feels good.
I fucking hate camping.
Me, too.
You all right, Raemundo? Yeah.
But what about in yourself, like? I'm fine.
Wanna go for a walk, girl? Cute, aren't they? Yeah.
You know you don't have to give me space, don't you? What d'you mean? I mean that I know I've been ill but you're the only one who doesn't ask if I'm all right all the time.
I like that.
That you just treat me normal.
I like you.
I'm glad you like me.
Because I've got a surprise for you.
Oh What's this? When I say, "To be continued," I mean, to be continued.
'Jesus.
'I was so turned on, we were gonna need a canoe and life jackets.
' 'Maybe sometimes it does happen how you imagine it 'cos I felt like I was in a movie.
'Not a crap one.
'An amazing, brilliant, unbelievable, 'mega, fucking awesome one.
' You OK? I just need to freshen up.
What the fuck are you doing? 'It was the first time I'd seen us together.
' 'I knew he was out of my league, but I didn't know just how much.
' 'No-one could understand why we were together, and all of a sudden 'neither could I.
' Is everything OK? Yeah Um I've just got a massive headache.
Why didn't you say, you numpty? You know what's good for headaches, don't you? Vodka! D'you want one? I'll get two glasses.
'Tixy, I have totally, utterly and unquestionably 'failed to lose my virginity.
'I may as well go to college with it written on my face.
' Oh! Oh, my God, Rae, you need to help me.
What? Chloe! Because you and Finn went off last night, we ended up sharing a tent on our own! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! I turn around to get in my sleeping bag and when I turn back, she's laying there in some sexy lingerie number.
Oh, my God! What did you do? I let her kiss me for a minute, and then What? I pretended I was asleep.
I feel terrible.
Oh, my God! Can we go back to civilisation now, please?! You all right? Yeah.
'Summer's over, Tixy.
'The bubble's burst.
' Rae I wanted to ask you something.
What? Have you been in mine and Karim's room recently? No.
Why? No reason.
How's that TV/VCR working out? It's all right, yeah.
Like you said, I don't own any videos, so Well, maybe you should bring it downstairs, then? Unless you're planning on watching videos on it when you're in bed.
No, I wasn't planning on doing that.
So Yes, good idea.
Cool.
Anyway, you better get some sleep.
College tomorrow.
'I still had time, Tix.
Ten hours, eight minutes and 14 seconds 'to sleep, to get ready, to prepare myself.
' Come on, get up! You're late! Look at you! New beginnings and all that.
How are you feeling, anyway? I wish people would stop asking me that.
People only ask because they care about you, love.
I know you must be nervous about today, what with everything that happened, you know, at your old school.
But I'm really proud of you, Rae, how you're coping.
Four months ago, I would never have said you were well enough to go to college.
Yeah.
'Mum was right, Tix.
I had the gang now.
'It wasn't going to be like last time.
' Good morning! How are you?! I got you a brew.
How's your migraine? All right.
'I've got Finn now, Tixy.
' 'It wasn't going to be like last time.
' Do I look all right? Cos I want to make a good impression.
For who?! It's only college! It's all right for you, Finn.
You're a boy and you're in second year.
Everyone'll be staring at us.
They're not going to be staring.
They so are.
We're fresh meat, babe.
It's like they're all sitting at our restaurant waiting for the delivery and we're the food.
Oi! You two are taken.
Remember that.
'I had the gang now, Tixy.
'It wasn't going to be like last time.
' Tonight, babe.
Yeah.
Bye.
See you later.
'I've got Finn now.
'It wasn't going to be like last time.
' Boys.
Fat.
Food.
Fat.
Rae.
Fat.
Boys.
Fat.
Rae.
Fat.
Food.
Fat.
Rae.
Fat.
Rae.
Fat.
D'you know where the toilets are? Round there.
Why, what's wrong? Nothing.
I'll see you in a bit, yeah? Give us a shout if you need anything, though.
Rae? See you later, then.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck indeed.
If I find out which one of you jokers set off the fire alarm, that's it, you're done for the year.
'I've been living in denial, Tix.
'About being better, about me and Finn.
'About everything.
' Rae? I'm a mess.
I miss her.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Then why aren't you more upset? You don't even seem upset.
I'm devastated, Rae.
I'm sorry I didn't go to the funeral.
I just I couldn't.
It's only a funeral.
You know she wouldn't have cared.
But funerals do have their purpose.
They're places where we get to say goodbye.
Bye, Tix.
'Dear Diary, there are two things you should know about me.
'I'm still fat.
'And I'm still mad.
' Rae! I've missed you.
Oh, Danny, I've missed you, too.
How are you doing? Not the best, to be honest.
Where's your hats? What hats? All right, everybody.
Welcome to group.
Let's just jump right in, will we? So, has anybody got anything they want to share this week? Liam, what about you? Different week.
Same old bullshit.