Nathan For You (2013) s02e01 Episode Script

My name is Nathan Fielder, and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades.
Now, I'm using my knowledge to help struggling small business owners to make it in this competitive world.
This is Nathan for You.
Greg Boodaghian works in an industry where dishonesty runs rampant.
And that makes the fact that I first thought his business was called "Gay Auto Repair" the least of his worries.
His biggest problem? Customers not trusting him.
I do have clients like that, then.
Once they enter here, they think that I'm ready to rip them off.
Greg seemed like an honest mechanic, but before helping him, I needed to be sure.
So I baked him some cookies with salt instead of sugar to see if he'd be honest about the taste, and the next day, I paid him a visit at his shop in Glendale, California, with my homemade treats.
I have a little surprise for you.
I baked you these cookies.
- For me? - Yeah.
- (laughs) - So feel free to have one.
Sure.
- Who made it? You made it? - Mm-hmm.
What do you think? - Very good.
- You like it? I like it.
Yeah, a little salty.
Different.
Good enough.
The plan: for Greg to promote that he's an honest mechanic by only giving estimates while hooked up to a lie detector.
I never thought of that, but, you know, it's-- Something like this won't only make you look more honest, But it will make your competitors look more dishonest because it'll make everyone in the city go, "Well, why isn't my mechanic hooked up to a polygraph? I want to go to the guy who is.
" Probably, yeah.
People will think that way.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Greg seemed into my idea, and that meant I needed to find a reliable polygraph machine for him to use.
Do you want another one? - Oh, I'll take it later.
- Have another one now.
No? - No.
So I tracked down a local polygraph operator and met up with him at my office to put his machine to the test.
Answer the following questions truthfully, okay? Mm-hmm.
- Is today Thursday? - Yes.
Are you currently sitting down? Yes.
Have you ever used pornography to pleasure yourself? Is that a standard question? Try to not talk between questions.
Have you ever used online pornography or pornography to pleasure yourself? No.
Okay.
Deceptive.
(quietly) Well, I don't know about that 100%.
I don't look at pornography, so it was obvious that Gene's old machine was too inaccurate to use with Greg.
So I sought out a different polygraph operator who claimed to have the most up-to-date equipment.
Honestly, this machine looked like something out of the 1500s.
- It was like - Yeah, - those are only 80% accurate.
- Right.
So what I want to do today, along with testing your machine, is to show that I was telling the truth in that situation and that I don't watch online pornography.
Okay.
And once I was all hooked up, I was ready to take on the hard questions.
Do you live in Wisconsin? - No.
- Pass.
Do you ever look at pornography on the internet? No.
Fail.
I--I s-- Have you ever pleasured yourself while watching pornography on the internet? No.
Fail.
Do you need to reboot the computer or something? There's no-- nothing to reboot.
It's rolling.
'cause I noticed your computer is a Dell.
- So I don't know - Computer's a Toshiba.
- It never glitches? - No.
You're failing, I and I think it's 'cause you're lying.
- But it's weird for me a little bit when I'm telling the truth and the computer is saying I'm lying.
and on top of that, it's a Toshiba.
Small green mountain, small green mountain, giant green mountain.
- What was that question for? - Porn.
Do you ever watch porn on the internet? Is that a Windows 95? Oh, Jesus, dude.
You're graspin' at straws.
The operating system has nothing to do with what you're shooting out.
And it's not Windows 95.
- XP? - Yes.
Still, it's not the most recent operating system, I don't think.
Despite the inaccuracy of John's dated machine, we had to go with him since there weren't any other operators in the area.
- See you later.
- Bye.
Back at G&Y, I had a surprise in store for Greg.
- I got you that sign.
- All right, that's cool.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
With the sign in place, it was finally time for Greg to try out his new honest approach with customers.
- Hi, how are you? - Hey.
Hi.
- We have a special today.
- Okay.
We accept a polygraph test when we give you Oh, wow.
When we give you the estimates.
So if you want a-- you're willing to-- That sounds great.
(chuckles) Yeah.
Customers seemed excited about the promotion, and after a thorough inspection, Greg gave his quote.
The rear, you have, like, 5% left.
Okay.
While John, our polygraph examiner, took notes.
Now it was time to put Greg's honesty to the test.
- Is today Sunday? - No.
True.
Do the rear brake pads only have 5% left? - Yes.
- True.
Is $180 a fair price to replace an ABS sensor? - Yes.
- True.
Okay.
So based on those answers, how do you feel about your estimate? Yeah, it's-- he sounds truthful.
Keep in mind, too, that yesterday when he did a test on me, it said that I, you know, pleasured myself to pornography, and I don't do that.
So-- (scoffs) just keep in mind Oh, really? (laughs) - It's not fully accurate 100%.
- Okay.
It's like, you know, run on a Toshiba laptop with XP, so-- it's 98% accurate, and he has pleasured himself to porn on the internet.
No, that's-- we had-- we determined yesterday that that was possibly a glitch with the machine, or-- No, I disputed that right away.
There is absolutely no way you were telling the truth on the two questions you failed.
Okay.
I'm just trying to establish there is some uncertainty, and, you know, to-- There's absolutely no uncertainty.
Your body exploded on those two questions across-- But we don't know 100% that my body exploded.
It is the computer that's showing Oh, it was 100% your body.
You keep trying to blame it on Windows this and programs.
It was your body.
You failed.
There is no doubt you have watched porn on the Internet at some time in your life, and there is zero doubt-- Well, maybe he just-- Maybe he was uncomfortable with the question.
- No.
- No? I was uncomfortable with the question, though.
So thank you.
Despite the accuracy problems with John's machine, more and more customers seemed to enjoy their polygraph-verified quotes.
Did you find a loose vacuum hose and you reattached it? Yes.
True.
So as you can see, the things he quoted you in the estimate were exactly things that are actually problems with your car, and you do need, and you know that.
But if you go anywhere else, you won't know that.
Right.
Sounds like a winner.
I was so proud that I could finally help Greg profit from his honesty, and at the end of the day, I wanted to see what he thought of the whole experience.
Were you happy with everything that I did? We were happy, yes.
We were happy, so-- Yeah.
Do you mind if I ask you that while hooked up to the polygraph? - Sure.
- Yeah? So were you happy with everything I did for you today? Yes.
True.
One more question.
Would you ever want to hang out sometime socially with me outside of this? No.
True.
Hmm.
Okay.
Well, thank you, and--yeah, thank you for your honesty.
Yeah.
And, yeah.
Best of luck with everything.
Are we done? Yeah.
Yay.
Okay.
- Have a nice day.
- Thank you.
- Good to meet you.
- Bye.
It's-- yeah.
All right.
Sue Stanford is one of over 6,000 licensed realtors in L.
A.
County, and in an oversaturated market, it can be hard to stand out from the crowd.
We're continually trying to outdo the other-- (chuckles) person, you know, trying to get business.
So I paid her a visit to help her become one of the most sought-after realtors in the city.
So I always like to begin with some small talk to break the ice and make the other person comfortable.
Okay.
Have you ever posed for a painting before? No, not actually, not for anything like that.
You'd make a good model.
You're very beautiful.
Well, bless your heart.
Thank you so much for saying that.
You're welcome.
So is that enough small talk to make you comfortable? Yeah, I guess so.
My mission was to make Sue one of L.
A.
's top realtors.
The plan: have her specialize in a currently unrepresented group of homebuyer, the 50% of people who believe in ghosts.
Ghosts? When you show a house, you know, half the people that come through are thinking, "Is there a ghost in here?" Okay.
So it surprised me that I've never seen a realtor that can guarantee that all the homes they sell are entirely ghost-free.
True, yeah.
So what I'm suggesting is a complete re-branding of you as the Ghost Realtor.
Huh.
It's really a wild idea.
Sue wasn't fully seeing my vision yet, So to help sell it to her, I mocked up some new branding and prepared a special surprise to get her excited.
- Ready? - Uh-huh.
All right, open your eyes.
Look.
Oh, my gosh.
That's amazing.
Pretty great, huh? That's me.
"My homes are 100% ghost- and demon-free.
" Oh, my goodness.
I could tell Sue was thrilled with her new image, but to fully rebrand as the ghost realtor, she'd need to work with a professional psychic medium Who could verify whether her homes were truly ghost-free.
So I found a local psychic online Hello.
I'm psychic Ron Bard.
and arranged for he and Sue to meet at one of her listings.
My mother was considered Queen of the Psychics by Dr.
Hans Holzer.
He's written 145 books.
Wow.
And my daughter just found her first missing child in New York.
Okay.
So just to be clear, if there's a ghost in this house, you'll be able to tell.
- That's correct.
With Ron's guarantee, I introduced him to Sue.
My great pleasure.
And then we followed as he led us through the house inspecting each room for the presence of any ghosts.
Definitely a change of energy.
- You feel that, correct? - Mm-hmm, definitely.
I feel, like, chills going down my spine right now.
- Right.
- Is it a ghost? No.
Things were off to a great start, as Ron believed the first house was completely ghost-free.
I'm not feeling there's any entities in this house.
- Well, that's good.
- That's good.
- Yes.
- I can sell the house.
- (chuckles) Yeah.
- Yeah.
But when we visited another one of Sue's listings, Ron felt a presence immediately.
I'm hearing screaming and arguing throughout the house.
- Screaming and arguing? - Yeah.
This is no good.
- Oh, dear.
- The bathroom? This whole house.
Something's wrong.
Wow.
Ron sensed evil all around us.
Something went on back there.
But it wasn't until we went into the bedroom that he felt the true presence of the ghost.
You feel like there's ghosts around, or-- - Yeah.
- Ooh, is that right? I feel there are entities in this house.
- I see.
- There's no question about it.
Well, that sucks for you.
Yeah, yeah.
What is his activity in the house? It's, like, evil.
It's like--you know what an incubus is? It's a ghost that'll have sex with someone until they die.
(gasps) Wow.
That's like what I experienced when I was in Switzerland.
Something bad, a bad spirit or a bad entity.
This is the room that it's generating from.
- What happened in Switzerland? - When I was being choked.
- You were being choked in Switzerland? - Yeah.
- We were just talking about that.
- What? - Earlier, we were talking about-- - Choked by what? - By an entity like that.
I felt like I was being picked-- - What, a ghost choked you in Switzerland? - Yes.
- Wow.
Oh, yes.
There's been many things that has happened in my life.
That's why it's so interesting to meet you.
Sue's bombshell about the Switzerland ghost made me feel an urgency to get rid of this entity right away.
The only question was how.
It could always be cleaned.
Ron suggested an exorcism, so the next morning, I found an exorcist from Fresno named brother Carlos You have to obey me, and you have to come out.
In the name of Jesus Christ, devils.
And booked him to do an exorcism in the master bedroom for the following week.
In the meantime, Sue had an appointment to show the house that she preferred not to cancel.
So before the potential buyer arrived, I reminded her to be upfront about the status of the home.
You just have to be honest with the person you're showing it to, and it let them know that even though there is an entity, we will be doing an exorcism very soon, and that will get rid of it.
That's-- Yes, okay.
That sounds perfect.
- Okay, great.
So good luck.
- Okay.
Thank you so much.
Oh, thanks.
And moments later, Sue began her first showing as the Ghost Realtor.
So the dining room's this way, and then the kitchen's to your right.
After the potential buyer made her way through the house, it was up to Sue to close the deal.
So what did you think? I like it, especially the walk-in closet.
- (laughs) - Oh, a nice, big one.
Yes, a nice, big closet.
And the master bedroom is really nice.
- Yes.
- I like it, yes.
Wonderful.
Well, I do have to explain something to you.
Upstairs in the master bedroom, we did find a entity, and it was an incubus.
I know you're wondering what that is.
I have no idea.
(laughs) Well, that is a pretty evil spirit, actually, and he said that this spirit rapes women and has sex with them until they die.
I know it sounds awful, but we're going to have it taken care of.
We're going to have an exorcist come in and get rid of it.
- This is real? Really? Like-- - I know.
- (laughs) - I know.
Isn't that unbelievable that things like this happen in this world? So trust me.
Come back in a couple of days, and you'll see it's a big difference.
It was clear Sue was having trouble keeping buyers interested with an incubus still present, but I was hopeful all that would change after our exorcism.
It was finally the night of the exorcism, and after brother Carlos, our exorcist, arrived, Sue and I led him upstairs to the bedroom where the entity was detected.
So what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna anoint this place.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay? And I'm gonna command these spirits to leave.
In the martyred name of the Lord Jesus Christ, Come out, evil spirits.
Making people believe you are spirits of dead humans, huh? Liars.
Liars and deceivers, get out.
Get out of here and don't ever, ever come back.
After getting rid of the spirit, Brother Carlos insisted that he had to cleanse us as well, as demons can sometimes attach themselves to humans and manifest as physical ailments.
Do you have any health issues? Are you constantly getting sick? Do you have migraine headache hitting you all the time? I do have one thing, but it's kind of What? - Private, personal.
- All right.
It's hemorrhoids.
Yeah, that's demonic.
Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
- So how you say it again? I don't see this demon very often.
He--em-or-oid? - Hemorrhoids.
- Hemorrhoids.
Hemorrhoids.
Yeah, I don't say this name very often.
Oh, I see.
So let me go ahead and address this thing right now.
Okay? In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I command demons of hemorrhoids.
I am casting you out, evil spirits, In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Hemorrhoid demons come out! - Is it gone? - Wow, you look different.
- I do? - Mm-hmm.
You look like something just happened, definitely.
Wow.
If Sue noticed a change that quickly, I wanted to be sure to leave no stone unturned.
Can it help with penis size? You see-- Yeah, okay.
If it's demonic, yeah, I can cast out the demon from there.
I don't have to say for the thing to, you know, increase in size or dimi-- whatever.
Okay.
In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I command all of you demons.
If there's a demon there, you know, affecting this man's penis, male organs, makin' it smaller, whatever-- If there's any demon there lodged in his penis right now, Come out! In the name of Jesus Christ.
Come out! You might be free from this thing already.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
After brother Carlos addressed my personal demons I have an extremely bad back problem, if that can be helpful.
- Oh, yeah.
He offered to help Sue by removing the demons causing her back pain.
And as I am addressing these demons right now, I'm gonna be more aggressive, okay, because I know you have signs of someone that have demons inside.
- Okay? - Okay.
So just make eye contact with me right now.
Okay? In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I command any evil spirit that the Lord Jesus Christ has identified to place divine judgment for violating this soul.
In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I command you now to get out of this woman right now, evil spirits.
I command you now to get out.
Demons, look in my eyes.
Look in my eyes.
You've been messin' up with her back? Right, devils? I'm commanding you to come out.
I am commanding you to come out.
(moans) (crying) I am commanding you to come out! In the name of Jesus Christ, come out! Come out.
Get out.
Get out.
Come out of Sue's chest.
Come out.
Come out.
Come out, evil spirits.
Come out, evil spirits.
Demons messin' up with the vertebraes in the neck, Come out in the name of Jesus Christ.
Come out.
I want all demons out of her spine, get out.
- Get out.
Get out.
Get out.
- (crying) Get out in the name of Jesus Christ.
Get out.
(shutter clicks) In the name of Jesus Christ, get out.
Come out.
Come out.
Come out.
Come out.
In the name of Yeshua, come out.
In the name of Yeshua, come out.
Get out.
Look in my eyes.
You have to go now.
- Uh-huh.
- You have to go.
I'm casting you out.
You have to go.
You have to go.
Leave now.
Leave now.
Leave now.
- Okay.
- Leave.
Leave.
Leave.
- Stop it! - Leave.
- Stop it.
- Leave.
Go now, and don't ever come back.
Take a deep breath three times, please.
(sighs) You didn't hurt her or anything, right? - No.
- Okay.
'cause she looks like she's almost dead.
- Are you okay, Sue? - Yeah.
Actually, I'm fine.
I think I'm feeling a little relief now.
It's amazing.
(sighs) After cleansing me, Sue, and the rest of the bedroom, Brother Carlos felt confident that the house was now entirely ghost-free.
After all we did here in this room, I'm pretty much certain that there's no evil spirits right here in this-- in this bedroom.
And after wishing him well, I felt like I had done all I could to reinvigorate Sue's career.
- He was amazing.
- Yeah.
- So the home is now ghost-free.
- Yeah.
It's a beautiful home, and I think now that the ghost is gone, it's going to be so much more alluring to people to come in here and have a look at it.
- Mm-hmm.
Before I go, I have a little something for you.
- Really? - Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah, a little gift.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
I've been doing a little bit of painting in my spare time, And I just did this from imagination, you know.
- Did you? - Yeah.
I kind of used your real estate photo for the face and my imagination for just the rest of the body.
Very nice.
Thank you so much.
Okay, I'll see you later.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye.
Bye.
(upbeat music) Just full of surprises here.