Never Have I Ever (2020) s02e01 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
The trouble in my head ♪
I want a tug, I want a friend ♪
I'm going back to the ♪
- [KNOCKING]
- [MUSIC STOPS]
Are you kissing?
Your father's ashes have barely
begun to drift out to sea.
Get out of this car!
It's always the short ones.
I'm sorry, Dr. Vishwakumar,
and, uh, my condolences?
- Bye.
- "Bye."
Kazhudai. "Bye. Bye."
[EXHALES]
I mean, what disgraceful behavior, Devi!
What are you gonna do at my funeral?
Just have sex on top of my grave?
I pray it's a closed casket.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I just got overcome with emotion
because I love Dad so much!
- I would've kissed anyone.
- Okay, fine.
I'm just gonna let it slide.
I've done crazy things
when I'm emotional too.
I once hugged a man at Circuit City
when I found out a damaged
printer was 80% off.
Is that why our printer's so bad?
[PHONE PINGS]
[DEVI SIGHS]
Hmm?
["FIRE FOR YOU" BY CANNONS PLAYING]
[PAXTON ON VOICEMAIL] Hey,
I'm in your neighborhood.
Thought maybe we can hang out,
but, uh, it seems like you're busy.
So, uh
Anyway, you can give me a
call or text or whatever.
Okay.
Holy shit.
[MCENROE] Holy shit is right, Devi.
Ever since their steamy kiss in his car,
he'd been icing her out.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
As a former teen jock myself,
I was not surprised by this behavior.
My advice to Devi,
don't let this voicemail
get your hopes up.
Just give up on Paxton.
Set your sights on
someone more attainable,
like that kid Ben you
were just mouth kissing,
or that boy in math class
who's allergic to the sun.
My heart just dropped ♪
Be right in.
[MCENROE] Oh my God!
Screw the allergy kid.
That's Paxton!
Hey, were you waiting for me?
No. I was, uh, just chilling.
Outside of my house?
Wait. Have you been here
since you left me that message?
No.
Well, yeah, I was waiting because
I had nothing better to do.
And then I got hungry, so
I ordered some Chinese food,
but I mean, I I honestly,
was just about to leave.
[MCENROE] This is the longest
Paxton Hall-Yoshida has ever spoken.
Wait! Is he nervous?
So, like, what's up?
Uh, it was kind of a special day.
We spread my dad's ashes in Malibu.
No shit.
That's intense.
Hmm.
So, did you have something
you were gonna tell me or
Yeah, I guess I just wanted to say
I feel really bad for
being such a dick to you.
[DEVI] Yeah, you really were.
I don't kiss guys that often, Paxton.
I thought maybe I did something wrong.
Like, maybe I flooded
your mouth with saliva.
No, no. The kiss was fine. It was good.
I was just being dumb,
and
I'm sorry.
[MCENROE] Was it the
greatest apology? No.
He mostly looked at his shoes,
and the vocabulary was limited,
but when it comes out
of that beautiful mouth,
it's friggin' Shakespeare.
So would you maybe want to, like,
come over for dinner tomorrow night?
[SWALLOWS]
Dinner? At your house? Y you and me?
Eating together? At the same table?
Yeah. How do you normally
eat dinner with people?
All right. Well, I'll see
you tomorrow, Vishwakumar.
[MCENROE] Whoa! Did Devi
just French Ben at the beach
and get asked on a date by Paxton?
Did hell freeze over in the last hour?
How is it possible that
this formally uneffable nerd
has two boys that are into her?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[MCENROE] Devi lay in her bed
pondering these two
grand romantic gestures.
Ben had broken the law,
stolen his Dad's car,
and risked his life to help
her say goodbye to her dad,
but Paxton had left her a voicemail.
A voicemail!
We're talking about a boy who
usually texts the letter "K."
And since Zoomers rarely
call anyone on the phone,
checking Paxton's voicemail
led her to find another one
she had forgotten about.
[MOHAN ON VOICEMAIL]
Hi, it's Dad. I'm
I'm here at the mall to pick you up.
I'm parked in front of P.F. Chang's,
but a brute security guard
is making me circle around.
Uh, oh, wait, I see you.
Ah! There's my perfect girl.
[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]
Ugh! This Trader Joe's
puttanesca keeps falling out.
Wow. You're taking so
many snacks to India.
You'll be the hero of the family.
- Damn. Indian people love Trader Joe's.
- They do.
If I can bribe an uncle with a
box of Thai Lime & Chili cashews,
maybe we can get a good deal
on a condo for the two of us.
Kamala, inga vaadi. Just need some help.
[MCENROE] Nalini was still
set on moving to India
at the end of the month,
but first, she needed to
go there to set things up
and kiss up to her family.
[DEVI] Ugh!
This sucks a butt.
I can't believe we're
moving to stupid India.
Things were just
getting good for me here.
[NALINI] Oh, because now you
kiss boys in overpriced SUVs?
Yeah, there'll be no more of that.
Yeah, because you're dragging me away
from the only home I've ever known.
[SIGHS]
Listen, Devi,
I know this is not what you want,
but I just need more family around us.
So can you please just
give this a chance?
[MCENROE] And while Devi
wasn't thrilled about the move,
she felt close to her mom
for the first time in a while
and didn't want to mess that up.
It doesn't matter. I'll
be back here in two years,
going to Princeton,
dating a guy in a band.
I'll get a tattoo of his name
under my boobs like Rihanna.
[NALINI] Over my dead body.
So, I have a very exciting day today.
I'm gonna meet with this other
dermatologist in my building.
I'm gonna try and sell
him my patient roster
for a vastly inflated price.
Whoa. Dr. Jackson?
He took the fat out of
Ben's mom's double chin
and stuck it in her
butt. It looks amazing.
And he drives a Maybach. It would
be ostentatious on anyone else,
but somehow he drives
it with a quiet humility.
Who needs all that flash?
I think people prefer
no-frills, immigrant values
when it comes to their dermatologist.
In your dreams, Mom.
I have an exciting day as well.
Today I start my new PhD rotation
for, get this, Dr. Elgin Peters' lab.
He's basically the LeBron
of stem cell research.
He's the reason I went to Caltech.
His work on gallbladder
cells is breathtaking.
It is so annoying how no one knows
how nerdy you are because you're so hot.
- Thank you, Devi.
- [SIGHS]
[GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING]
[MCENROE] As Devi
entered Facing History,
she was also facing love triangle.
What an embarrassment of riches!
I know what you kids are thinking.
This is just like the time in 1979
when I won the US Open Doubles title
and later that same week,
the Men's Singles title.
- Wow! Look at that gorgeous hair.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
Anyway, she was on a hot streak.
She probably would have felt
guilty if it weren't so exciting.
Good morning, Ben. Good morning, Paxton.
So nice to see both of
you on this fine day.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- Salutations, my protégés.
How were your weekends?
I spent mine in Little Ethiopia
refreshing my collection of dashikis.
My weekend was pretty great.
Yeah, my weekend was tight.
[MCENROE] They're talking
about you, Devi. Be cool.
I spread my dad's ashes at the beach.
[MCENROE] Nope.
[MR. SHAPIRO] Ah yes.
Antyeshti, the last samskara
in a series of life cycle
events in the Hindu tradition.
- I would've loved to have joined.
- That would've been weird.
Perhaps. I wanna remind everybody
that our annual community
service day is tomorrow,
and we are going to be removing
trash from a park in Pacoima,
but the real cleansing will be to
our own consciences.
Oh, I know that park.
I love littering there.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SENDS MESSAGE]
- [PHONES VIBRATE]
Hi. We're here to see Dr. Jackson.
- Okay.
- Ugh! What rubbish is this?
What kind of doctor sells
pumpkin spice body butter?
It's actually very
helpful for burn victims.
Hello, Dr. Vishwakumar.
Dr. Jackson.
How can I help you today?
Wow! Is Wolverine your patient?
Oh, Hugh? His family
stays at my place in Tahoe.
I always forget he's a celebrity.
He's just so down-to-earth.
[CLEARS THROAT] Dr.
Jackson, as you know,
I am moving my family
back to India and
Oh, is is that why you're leaving?
I assumed you lost your
medical license for negligence.
Hilarious joke. Anyway, I
have an enviable client roster,
and well, they can all be
yours for no less than $100,000.
[LAUGHS]
Now, you're the hilarious one.
Thank you for stopping by.
Take some SPF lip balm on your way out.
Wait, wait, you must not have heard me.
My entire roster of loyal
patients isn't attractive to you?
I don't need your patients.
I'm very successful.
Netflix wants me for a
docu-series called Field of Derms.
James Earl Jones is the host.
Ooh, you should do it. I'd watch it.
[SIGHING] Okay, look. Even though
our priorities are very different,
and your office looks
like Caesars Palace,
I would feel better leaving,
knowing that they're being
cared for by someone who is
good at their job.
I'll give you ten grand.
Fine.
Oh, and, Tracey, we're always
looking for experienced RNs.
Oh, really? Can I leave my resume?
She'd rather go back to working
at Jamba Juice. Let's go.
Take the samples, the lip
balm. There's eye cream there.
Make-up bag, whatever you
can stuff in your pockets.
You kissed Ben Gross?
Paxton asked you out?
On top of you moving to India?
Wait, what's happening?
I know. It's a lot.
This is insane.
[DEVI] Guys, my mom's made up
her mind. We're definitely moving.
[SIGHING] Well, India is at
the cutting edge of robotics.
My robot, Gears Brosnan,
has friends in Mumbai,
so we'd come visit you.
[GASPS] Me too.
I heard you can make a great
living in Bollywood movies
playing the evil American.
[LAUGHS QUIETLY]
Devi, we're gonna miss you so much.
I know. I'm gonna miss you guys too.
[PHONE CHIMES]
But that's why I have to figure
out my boy situation stat!
This is my last chance for an
American high school boyfriend.
So obviously this calls
for a Drum roll, please.
[BOTH] Pros and cons list.
[MCENROE] Devi didn't know how
she could make this decision.
She really liked both Ben and Paxton,
and each one had so much going for them.
- On one hand, Ben
- [BOTH] Paxton.
What? We're not done with the list yet.
- [BOTH] Paxton!
- Guys, how can you be so sure?
Ben is an obnoxious hobbit who has
tortured you for countless years.
Paxton is a mixed-race hottie
who got scouted to model
while in the audience
at The Price is Right.
If I could have a
smoke show like Paxton,
Oliver would be kicked to the curb.
But Ben did do such a heroic thing
driving me all the way to
Malibu to spread my dad's ashes.
Uh, is it that heroic to drive slowly
from the Valley to the Westside?
My dad does it every day for work.
He also mended the friendship
between the three of us.
Yeah, fine.
But there will be a billion
cocky nerds like Ben at Princeton.
This is your one chance
to hook up with a Paxton,
and when you're old
and on your deathbed,
whose naked body do you
want to be picturing?
On my deathbed, wouldn't I be thinking
about my kids and grandkids and stuff?
No, that's a myth.
I guess I wouldn't mind seeing a
nude Paxton when I bite the dust.
Exactly.
So, I should let Ben down
easy and choose Paxton.
But what if I hurt Ben?
- Yay! She chose Paxton!
- Yes!
[PHONE PINGS]
Ooh, is that Eve? Are you
officially girlf and girlf?
- Yeah.
- [GASPS]
[PHONE PINGS]
What's a Villanelle?
Uh, the question is,
"Who is Villanelle?"
And the answer is the iconic
anti-hero of Killing Eve
who slays both people
and amazing fashion looks.
[MCENROE] Fabiola was on a text
chain with her girlfriend, Eve,
and all of Eve's queer friends.
She didn't always get their references
because she knew almost
nothing of pop culture.
What's a Bebe Rexha? Oh!
Is that a robot like BB-8?
Oh, honey.
Anyway, as I was saying,
I may have been the
one to accept the award,
but Nobels are not won alone.
They are won as a team,
and so I just wanted to say
thank you for being my team.
And just imagine,
the research we are doing today
may one day lead to a
world without gallstones.
[ALL APPLAUDING]
Uhp-uhp-uhp, Speed Racer,
where are you going?
Just trying to talk to Dr. Peters.
Yeah, unfortunately,
a scientific rock star like Dr.
Peters needs to return to work.
I'm his head research assistant,
right-hand man, Evan Safstrom.
- I'll be your mentor/hero.
- Goodbye, everyone.
[LAUGHS]
I was really looking
forward to working with him.
He's busy, so you're mostly
gonna be dealing with me.
Okay, let's meet the
other people in the lab.
Okay, we got Vivek, Marshall,
Kachik, Edvard, Emilio.
There's Setseg, and
there's Wally, the walrus.
Guys, go. Say hi to
the newbie, Kamaa-la.
- Oh, it's Kamala.
- Camel-a. Got it.
[KAMALA] Nice to meet you.
You probably have, like, a
really handsome boyfriend, huh?
Sorry, you have to work with
bunch of gross nerds like us.
[LAUGHS] That's not
true. You're not gross.
[BURPS] Oh.
- Oh God.
- Okay.
All right. Everybody,
come on. Back to work.
Kamala, can you hang back a second?
Would you mind washing
out those beakers there?
They look a little meh!
Oh, uh
- Sure.
- Cool.
Thanks for being such a
team player. See you around.
[MCENROE] Later that day,
Devi had to do something she had
never done before in her life,
break someone's heart.
So she came armed with something
she hoped would offset the bad news.
I got you cashew
brittle. Top of the line.
My mom keeps it for funerals
or apologies to neighbors.
Hmm. Well, I'm not your neighbor,
so are you planning to kill me or
- Uh, no. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
- [LAUGHS]
I would never do anything to hurt you.
[SIGHS]
So we should talk about what happened.
Yeah.
Um, Ben
I don't know if that was
the right thing to do.
It wasn't.
Because of Shira.
Right, of course.
It's not okay to be unfaithful
to someone like that.
She deserves more.
I mean, she was the person
who gave me my first handy,
which is why I broke up with her today.
- You did?
- [SIGHS] Big time.
Even though her boobs are
the biggest rack of natties out
of anyone in our entire grade,
it wasn't real.
What you and I have is.
- It is?
- Do you know that last night
I stood up to my parents for
the first time in my life?
Now we're gonna have
dinner together once a week.
Because of you.
Wow.
That's why I want you to
be my girlfriend, Devi.
I I know you're moving to India,
but I'm cool with long distance.
My dad has access to a PJ.
A private jet.
[CHUCKLES QUIETLY]
You don't have to say
anything right now, but
Devi, I'm all-in.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[MCENROE] Ugh! She
was kissing him again!
Devi, what are you doing?
This was the worst breakup ever.
Even though she felt guilty about Ben,
Devi had to follow through
on her date with Paxton.
I mean, it was Paxton.
She had been in love with
him since the third grade
- when his family moved from Bakersfield.
- [CLATTERING]
And even though he
never knew she existed
[CLATTERING]
her crush on him had
lasted the test of time.
[GASPS] You dropped your maxi pads!
[MCENROE] The last time Devi had
gone over to Paxton's house like this,
it was for no-strings-attached sex,
but tonight was a real date
between two people who
are actually dating.
If there was sex, there'd be strings.
Hey, you look nice.
Thanks. So do you.
[MCENROE CHUCKLING] He really
did. No flip-flops. No pit stains.
A shirt with actual buttons.
This date was going to be awesome.
Grab a seat, Lil' D.
'Sup, Coyote Girl?
Ow! Trent! What the hell?
Whoops! Did I just hit you in the boob?
Yeah, you did.
Whoa.
[LAUGHING] I just hit
your mountains with my Dew.
[LAUGHS] You hit her cans with your can.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Dude, shut up!
It's all good. So I take it
you two are about to head out?
Nah, bro, pizza's on its way.
We got triple sausage 'cause
we're three guys. [LAUGHS]
Oh, shit. Now we got four
for Call of Duty. Fire it up.
Uh Eh Okay. So,
Paxton and me versus you two?
Oh no, little buddy. Marcus
and I gotta be on the same team.
We're magic together.
Thanks for taking the time to
make me feel special tonight.
[SCOFFS] Really?
Wait, so I have to be on
the same team as Denise?
Devi.
Whatever. This is a huge waste of time.
[MCENROE] And that was exactly
how Devi was starting
to feel about this date.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
[COMPUTER CHIMING]
[BEEPS]
Hey, Prashant.
Oh. Hi, Devi. Is Kamala around?
Yeah, I'll get her in a sec.
Listen, I need some advice
about matters of the heart.
Here's a question. You're
a handsome guy, right?
Is that the question?
How many friends would you bring
to a first date with a girl?
Uh, zero?
That's what I thought.
Here comes Kamala. You're
a good guy, Prashant.
Let me know if you ever need any advice.
I'm really mature about tons of shit.
I'm sure you are. Thank you, Devi.
Move.
He's all yours.
Hey, so I was
brainstorming things we could do
when I visit you in a couple of weeks.
What do you think about
going to see Jimmy Kimmel?
I just love Guillermo.
[CHUCKLES] Right, you're visiting.
That'll be cool.
Okay, that feels like the same
level of excitement you'd reserve
for someone you, uh
What's the word? Uh, detest?
[EXHALES] I'm sorry.
I am excited to see you, Prashant.
I had the first day of my new
rotation, and it didn't go great.
But Dr. Peters is the LeBron of
stem cell research. What happened?
I didn't even really get to talk to him.
I had to spend most of
the day cleaning beakers
for a bunch of nerdy scientists
who barely talked to me.
First days are always weird.
I'm sure it will get better
once you all get to know each other.
Besides, how can anyone not like you?
Thank you, Prashant.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Maybe
tomorrow will be better.
Oh, and I already booked
us Jimmy Kimmel tickets.
I, too, love Guillermo.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[MCENROE] The next
morning, Devi was recounting
the excruciating details of her
non-date with Paxton and his friends.
No candlelit dinner?
No rose petals in a little trail
leading to the bedroom door?
Where he's arranged more petals
in a giant heart in
his California king bed?
[MCENROE] If it wasn't
obvious to you before,
these two girls are both virgins.
His friends didn't even leave.
I finally took off when Trent
ate way too much pizza and barfed.
Ugh!
I guess Paxton just wants to be friends.
Maybe it's for the best.
His penis is too big.
Yeah, he was wearing gray
sweatpants the other day at drop off.
My mom rear-ended a bus.
Well, this is great because
Ben's into me, and I'm into him.
So I'll just chill on the B
train until I have to go to India.
Problem solved.
Yeah, and Ben's penis seems more normal.
Mm.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
A bunch of us were thinking about
going to an L Word
trivia night tomorrow.
- Do you want to come?
- [FABIOLA] Sure. Yeah.
I watch that show. The
"L" stands for lesbian.
[MCENROE] Good work, Fab.
You really sound like
a hip, young, gay woman.
Henry David Thoreau once said,
"I went to the woods because
I wished to live deliberately,
and not, when I came to die,
discover that I had not lived."
Yeah, but he was talking
about Walden Pond.
This is a field full
of trash in Pacoima.
Aw, cool! A condom!
- [LAUGHS]
- [CLASS] Ugh!
That's right, Trent.
Contraception is cool.
It's what allowed women
to join the workforce.
This right here is freedom.
All righty. Everybody partner up.
[SIGHS]
Hey, Ben, want to pick up trash with me?
I'll do puddles so you
don't stain your sneakers.
Deal, but just don't slow me down.
I'm trying to fill ten bags by lunch so
I can be interviewed by the local paper.
[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]
Is this a headshot?
- Wow, LA trash is depressing.
- I know.
I think I saw a silicone breast implant.
Oh.
So, about yesterday,
I thought about what you said, and
I'm in. I'd like to be your girlfriend.
As long as we don't kill each
other, I think it could be nice.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Okay. That's awesome.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
- [METAL THUDS]
- [MUSIC STOPS]
An AVN award? For MILF
performer of the year.
That's bleak.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, if you're looking for Trent,
he's over there peeing on a dead skunk.
Well, I was actually looking for you.
- Can I talk to you for a sec?
- Mm-hmm.
Why didn't you pick
me to be your partner?
I thought we had like
something going on.
[CHUCKLES] What are you talking about?
You clearly don't like me like that.
Yeah, I do. Why would I take you
on a date if I didn't like you?
That wasn't a date.
Your friends were there.
My friends are always on my dates.
They leave when it's time to hook up.
Like, last night we
could have hooked up,
but then Trent barfed, and you left.
Yeah. I left because Trent
was barfing on our date.
Okay, you're right.
The barfing wasn't ideal,
but I didn't realize you wanted
it to be like a one-on-one thing.
That's what a date is by definition.
Fine. Okay. I I will
take you on a real date.
It's too late now.
And besides, I'm moving to India.
You're moving to India? Like, forever?
Yeah. Like, in a month.
We'll have to make this time count.
Guess what? Due to my negotiating savvy,
I was able to sell my patient roster
to Dr. Jackson for a king's ransom.
That's awesome, Mom, but did
Dr. Jackson give you any samples?
[FORK CLINKS]
Here are your stupid samples.
They're not that great.
Whoa, hyaluronic acid. Score.
So, how was your useless
trash picking day?
I love that I pay taxes
to send you to school
to do another thing I pay taxes for.
Uh, it was fine.
You better not be kissing any more boys.
Why would you say "boys" plural?
Because they are all off limits.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[WOMAN] Making love to Donna
awakened something in me.
Ooh! The L Word. Are you watching
the new one or the old one?
There is an old one?
How many hours is that?
Guys, who cares? I have bigger
news. Paxton kissed me in the park.
[BOTH] What?
What am I gonna do?
I don't wanna break up with
Ben. He really pushes me.
I filled up 15 bags of garbage today.
So you're gonna break up with Paxton?
Of course not. Paxton69! is the
password to all of my accounts.
You definitely have to
choose. I mean [LAUGHS]
what's the alternative? Date
two guys until you move to India?
[CHUCKLES]
[MCENROE] And that was it. That
was all Devi needed to hear.
If they found out, they'd be so pissed.
I mean, you'll be in India, so
you'll kinda be off the hook but
[MCENROE] A way out of her predicament
that required no introspection
or mature decision-making,
two things Devi hated.
So you're saying I should
just have two boyfriends?
- No.
- Definitely not.
[MCENROE] But it was too late.
Devi knew what she was going to do.
Oh my God. I have two boyfriends.
["DARJEELING" BY BARRIE PLAYING]
The city towed my car ♪
The first night I got in ♪
And oh, you never got it ♪
Stay ♪
Keep me here for a while ♪
Stay ♪
You can leave when you like ♪
Stay ♪
Keep me here for a while ♪
Stay ♪
You can leave when you like ♪
[MAN] Go to bed.