Nighty Night s02e01 Episode Script

1 - Glen! - Jill! So, how are you? Oh, I'm not so good, Jill, to be honest.
They had to remove most of my guts, cos of the poisoning.
Can only really manage a Nice biscuit now and then.
- My memory's almost completely gone.
- Can't remember anything? Hardly a thing.
- Except I know I love you, Jill.
- And I love you, Glen.
Have you made any friends? Not really, no.
(Laughs ) - Got to make a bit of effort, Glen.
- I know.
What about that sort of hot-eyed chap keeps staring at you over there? That's Sandy.
Tried to sodomise me in the showers, Jill.
Oh, how was that? I won't lie to you, it wasn't very pleasant.
I bent down to retrieve my Wash & Go and he came and went.
- (Sighing) Oh, Glen.
- (Tearfully) Jill.
- Miss you.
- I miss you.
I'm a born-again Christian, Glen.
So am I! (Laughs ) Yes.
Oh, the Lord Jesus did an awful lot for me, God rest his soul.
- I spoke to Jesus earlier - Oh, right.
Yeah.
And he says, um, would you mind writing me out a little cheque or maybe I could get your chip and pin.
What Sorry, Jill, I'm not quite sure I understand you.
I Sorry, Glen, you're breaking up.
- What d'you want those for? - Chip and pin? Yeah.
Whatwhat's the matter? (Whispering) I just wanna start again.
I just wanna get away from all the name-calling, Glen.
All the cruelty.
Have people been very unkind? It's worse for me than for you being locked up in here.
Yes.
I just wanna move down here, Glen, so I can be close to you.
Be by the sea.
Eat fish.
And, you know, just look back over my terrible life.
Jill, how can you love muggins, here, when they say that I've killed people? To be honest with you, Glen, it's given you a little bit of an edge.
Oooh.
Is there a chance of intercourse? We'd have to be married, Glen.
- I love you.
- I love you.
(Laughs ) I'm so happy.
So am I.
(Laughs ) - Somebody's gotta pop the question, Glen.
- Who's that, then? Well, you.
Oh, right.
Get down on one knee.
(Laughs ) Will you, Jill, do me the very great honour of making me the happiest Scotsman on the block and consenting to be Mrs Glen Bulb? I will.
You may kiss the groom.
D'you mind if I don't, Glen? Maybe you could just press your titties against the glass.
It's been a long time, Jill.
I'd love to, but I want it to be really special.
I-I wanted to get a look at your downstairs region, maybe I could put my cardie around myself like a wee tent and press my tinkle to the glass.
- (Laughs ) Sounds lovely.
- Shall we make a go of it? Kiss me, Jill.
- Glen? - Uh-huh? Can I get your chip and pin? (On TV) Next qeestion, what is the name of David Beckham's wife? Is it A - Qeeen Victoria, is it B - Victoria Beckham or C - Victoria Station? Toria Station.
Victoria Beckham it is.
Well done, Wendy, that's the right answer.
There's another qeestion coming ep.
What is the capital of France? - France.
- Is it A - Paris, B - Bressels or C - Brittany? (Animal-like shout) - Paris? - Is the right answer Thank you very much.
- So, how's Glen doing, Dr Pinder? - Very well, he really is.
He's the life and soul of the whole group.
but he still can't remember anything about the night of July 12th.
No.
Is he out the coma? - Well, obviously he's up and about - Oh, no, I know.
We spent the afternoon together but I just wondered.
Geoff, we're very keen to marry, Glen and myself.
We were actually meant to be getting married.
The night that Gordon the vicar come round - Erm, that's who Glen vegetablised.
- Right.
- He'd come round to announce the bands.
- I see.
I was pushing for Showaddywaddy - I know they still tour.
- Oh.
Yeah.
I wanted to ask you about that night.
What do you think, ummotivated Glen, to go back to the house and also strangle Terry after he'd, er, poisoned Gordon? - Jealousy.
- Jealousy? I mean, er, I don't know if you've noticed, Geoff, but I do tend to elucidate quite a sexual response from men.
(Quietly) No, I hadn't noticed that.
- I rarely wear pants, Geoff.
- Is that due to an infection? Just gives me a sense of freedom.
Good.
I've gotta say, you and Glen, you're, er oof, an odd couple.
- Thank you.
- Not exactly two peas in a pod.
But sometimes you get a pea and a carrot.
Not in the same pod, though No, but next to each other in the vegetable patch.
- Not that Glen's a vegetable.
- Well, remains to be seen.
Love you! - Love you! - (Both laugh) I'm, erI'm sure that Glen.
Glen.
(Dr Pinder) Glen.
Ahem.
No, Glen.
Glen.
Beg pardon.
Now, I-I'm sure you want to marry Glen - because, of course, you love him.
- I do.
- That's why I'm moving down here.
- Oh.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Oh, great! - I don't think there's any hurry to marry I think there is, Dr Pinder, I'd like to formalise things asap.
Say, we weren't married and Glen were to tragically die in a sudden circumstance, that would leave me in the position of a poverty-riddled Scottish widow in a big black hood.
What makes you think that Glen's going to die? Well, I mean with these syndromes, Geoff, they they rarely live beyond their 30s, do they? (Seagulls) Physically, I'm much better.
Erm, my legs have come back.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
So, er Reallyreally enjoying my legs.
And, I think I think we're both very excited at making a new start after ourtime at the Hopton community.
OK.
So, er where are we at, er, sexually? I still prefer - cuddles and strokes.
- Mm.
But not full pene Not No.
I dunno, could, er could Don start with, er, a little bit? Justbopping the tit? He could, er I'dr-rather he didn't.
How about afinger? I mean, could you accommodate We did try that, er Don hadn't cut his nails.
I was learning the guitar.
# Oh, Jesus, look down on me # Oh, drink me like a cup of tea # Oh, Jesus, don't hurt on me Please wrap me in your blanket Before we witness the marriage today between Glen Jacobi Bulb and Jill Tina Tyrelle - Tyrell.
- Tyrell.
Glen would like to say a few words about his faith.
My faithabout my faith.
- (Whispers ) What should I say? - Just something simple, Glen, aboutconfessing your sins, casting out the blackness.
The blackies? - The blackness.
- Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Hello.
Um, my name's Glen Bulb - and I'm a sinner.
- Confess, Glen.
YeahI will.
- Erm Done some terrible things - Say what you did, Glen.
I-I killed a vicar and a man I didn't even know.
Thisman - killed Gordon Fox, the vicar.
- Vicar.
- And Terry Tyrell, my husband.
- Jill's former husband.
I killed them.
Sorry.
- Killed them! - Killed them.
- Killer! - Yeah.
But - He's a killer! - I'm-I'm here to - Killer! - I'm here to atone for my sins, everyone.
And, um, since I came to Bettle Lodge a miracle has happened because The Lord God came into my room.
Popped in to see me when I was with Chaplain Chip one night and I felt a kind of wetness come over me, which, er, I took to be Our Lord Jesus.
I want to tell you To witness the fact that Jesus is my saviour.
I can feel his grace in this room now, nibbling at my feet.
I love him.
He's my best friend.
But my second-best friend is a lady in red over there - by the name of Jill Tina Tyrell.
- (Sparse applause ) - Love you.
- Love you.
- (Glen ) Love Jesus! - Love Jesus and love Glen.
( # Simple organ tune ) W-with this ring, I thee wed.
I thee wed.
- With my body, I thee worship.
- Oh.
With my body, I thee worship.
- Thank you.
- With all my worldly goods, I thee endow.
Till death us do part.
You may kiss the bride.
Erm (Music stops ) ( # Slow electronic beat) You're Jill Tyrell A naughty little squirrel You remind me a bit of my uncle Cyril I think you're pretty and I want your titties My heart goes boom and you make me dribble (Beat stops ) OK, Jean, let's get this party started.
( # Lively synthesiser demo tune ) Love you! Glen, you'd have to be dead for me to get your money? - Yes, I hope so.
- (Both laugh) - Lost a bit of weight, haven't you, Linda? - Sorry, Jill.
- Know why that is, don't you? - Rexia? No.
Cos you slept with Terry.
Oh, yeah.
They do say it's good exercise, don't they? No, the cancer, Linda.
You've obviously caught it.
Thank you.
I'm sorry 'bout what happened, Jill.
With Terry.
We just fell in love.
He treated me special.
Like I was someone special.
Well, you know you're not, Linda.
OK? But he told me I was special.
Yeah.
All due respect, Linda, Terry would think a window was special.
OK? Very low IQ, round about 50.
- That puts him on a par with a donkey.
- What's mine, Jill?.
Sausage dog.
You know Terry hated sex, Linda.
He said he loved it with me.
He said he loved my body.
Loved kissin' me and strokin' my hair.
Both ends.
One day, he tied my 'gina hair in a bow.
And let me love him down below.
You loved him down below? Only his front bottom.
With your face? He put his front bottom in my mouth.
And I put my front bottom in his mouth.
- He wasn't very big below.
- I dunno, really.
I've had a lot of experience, Linda, whereas with all due respect, you lost your cherry to a dog.
It was lovely.
It is lovely.
Even with the really small dogs.
After that, most men just don't measure up.
Mary's been passed on several years back now.
And although I've had a couple of flings, I still feelreally shaky around the ladies.
- Mm.
This'll be your Parkinson's, Roy.
- ButI don't have Parkinson's.
That's just your Alzheimer's talking, Roy.
D'you know sometimes, Sue given everything I've been through I feel like just moving awayand starting again.
Well, that's how I feel since Gordon He was my whole life.
How many of those have you had, Sue? Two.
You eating up your feelings, Sue? Hug for Jill.
Oh.
Oh, that is nice, Sue.
It's a real comfort.
(Whimpers ) Thank you.
I really miss Gordon.
Still, what about you? It's just a miracle you didn't marry that monster.
- Gordon? - Glen.
- Mm.
- Did you realise he was a killer? Love's never perfect, Sue.
No.
I'll be honest though, Sue.
There were days when I had a whiff I was living with the Yorkshire Ripper.
- Really? - Mm.
Not to say there weren't some lovely times as well.
I'm sure Mrs Sutcliffe had some super days out with Peter when he was having a break from raping.
(Breathes deeply and wheezes ) (Jill) Bless him.
How does he wipe himself, Sue? Well, I You know, I have a home help.
Mm.
- Is he having a sauna, Susan? - Erm, no.
- D'you want a bit of pasty? - No.
- Gordon? - Don't force him.
- Jill's not trying to get Cath and Don's address.
- Sorry? - It's the coma, Sue.
- Oh.
- Hard to know when she came out of it.
- (Laughs ) God, you look old, Sue.
If you weren't talking I might try and bury you.
(Both laugh) (Both) Ohh.
I know it was weepy widows' night tonight, Sue.
OK.
But Linda and myself have brought our beauty kits and I thought we could do a little bit of a spruce-up.
OK? So, tell me what you fancy, please, from the beauty menu.
- I don't think I - Anti-ageing.
Thank you.
OK.
Now, Sue, I can't do you a full lift tonight, OK? I could give a you a Botox clean-up.
- I don't think - Excuse me.
Judy.
Now, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you facially, Judy.
I'm so sorry.
But Linda can do you a little bit of a tidy-up down below.
We've got a range of styles available.
- What did you fancy down there, Judy? - Nothing.
Really? Don't want the Hollywood? Gentlemen do seem to like the bald bun.
- I don't look down there.
- No, but somebody might, albeit a nosy mugger.
OK, have a little peep, see what we're doing.
Just gonnajust get your pants down, Judy.
Ooh, there we go.
Dear me.
Looks like you've been growing this one for years.
It's very matted, Judy.
You joining the Rastafarians? I don't know.
We can try for the Dairylea, OK? But as is, we are looking at quite a hefty boomerang.
Linda.
Linda's wearing goggles.
You need to wear goggles, Judy.
That laser's very dangerous and if it were to slip she could blind you.
Under you go.
(Whirring) Gotta be very carefulSue.
.
.
how much I inject of this .
.
cos it is poison.
(Farting) Sorry, Sue.
So, d'you know what? I wish I knew Cath and Don's address.
Um, I don't think Cath's too keen to give addresses out.
Mm.
(Fluctuating mechanical whirring) Just sit tight for me, please, Sue.
let your Botox take its grip.
- OK.
- OK? Mm.
- I'm a born-again Christian, Sue.
- Oh, super.
Yeah.
She've only got a little patch there, now.
Like a stamp.
'Scuse me one tick-tock, please, Sue.
Little bit bubbly.
- (Crashing) - Jill?.
I'm just on the toilet, Sue.
- (Beeping) - (Choking) Jill?.
(Prolonged bleep) (Chokes ) Jill?.
- I don't fell well.
- You look fine, Sue.
That's got Catherine's address on itJill.
Ohh.
Yeah.
- All right for some.
- Cornwall.
Must go to the loo.
A little bit bubbly.
I still feel a bit cross with Jill when I think back to what happened between her and Don in the bedroom.
Kitchen.
OK.
I'm feeling some anger Sorry.
- .
.
from you And whilst I respect that enragement, let's not forget, Cath's part in Jill's tango.
Okey-dokey.
OK.
And let's (Breathes in deeply) .
.
walk away from Cath's hurt (Breathes out) .
.
and open up to Jill's wound.
( # Deep Purple: Smoke On The Water) (Metallic scraping) I got pain, Linda, and I need a pap.
Linda! Get in here and empty this toilet.
It's full of your dirty, stinking hot paps.
(Wheezing) You want a drink, Jill?.
Something to take the edge off? What have you got? Milk.
So you're staying the night, then, is it? Yeah.
Cos me and Linda, we're a package, all right? We're getting married.
We save money.
We're a unit.
I'm taken, I'm afraid.
Just your eyes.
- What about 'em? - It's like you're suggesting something.
Me and Linda, all right? We're together.
It's Dennis and Linda, forever.
And we can't have you sleeping in our bed, Jill.
How about, Dennis, I get into bed with Linda and you sleep on the floor? Are you suggestin' you and Linda doin' somethin'? You and Linda doin' somethin' together? In the bed? I don't know.
Is that what you're suggestin'? - Is that what you're suggestin'? - Is that what you're suggestin'? - Is that what you are suggesting, Jill?.
- Is that what you are suggestin', Dennis? I dunno.
You after a little floor show, are you, Dennis? Something with me and Linda? Cos that would be quite pricey.
But I know you've got a little stash.
I would need to see the cash upfront, Dennis.
Yeah, I'd like to see you.
You and Linda doing somethin' dirty, really dirty, like kissin' or somethin'.
- You could bring her nipples up.
- Where to? She's got really big nipples.
I don't know if you've ever seen 'em but they're big.
You could coax 'em, make 'em really long.
I think it's about time you had a little play with Stewart, Jill.
And if you don't mind, I'd like to film it.
He likes you, Jill.
He's all man, ain't he? He's all horse.
If he was a man, though, he'd be my kind of man, Dennis.
Big.
Stay back.
Do you know how to stroke a horse, Jill?.
Firm.
That's it.
Long strokes.
Oof! Left yourself wide open there.
Bang! I could've got in there.
Bang! In there.
All right.
How about you have a little stroke of him and I film you? Give him a little stroke, just a little, gentle one on his mane.
Ho-oh, that's nice.
Ha, he's likin' that.
Whisper sweet nothings in his ear.
- (Whispers ) - What did you say? - Nothin'.
- Ho-o.
Say somethin' dirty.
Say somethin' spicy, Jill! - What did you say? -Hi, Stewart, how's you? Ooh, yeah.
Come round 'ere, part his fringe.
Ever so slightly, come 'ere and just part it.
Gently, gently, gently! That's it! Bounce his ears! Bounce his ears, gently, very gently.
That's it, Jill.
That's it.
Go round there and tell him off.
Justcall him naughty.
- Naughty.
- That's it! - Stewart! - Tell him he's good.
Say something nice.
You look pretty, Stewart.
How about you (Snorts excitedly) How about you give him a (Snorts ) .
.
sugar cube? - (Click) - Aagh.
( # Boston:: More Than A Feeling) # When I'm tired and thinking cold (Snoring) # I hide in my mesic, forget the day # And dream of a girl I esed to know # I closed my eyes and she slipped away # She slipped away # It's more than a feeling more than a feeling # When I hear that old song they esed to play # More than a feeling # I begin dreaming more than a feeling Till I see Marianne walk away