No Good Nick (2019) s02e01 Episode Script
The Bank Job
[MUSING INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [GATE CLICKS SHUT.]
- Hey, kiddo.
Thanks so much for coming.
You know, it really means a lot.
I'm here.
What do you want? I just I wanted to get the chance to apologize in person.
Great.
You've apologized.
Are we done? Wait, come on, Nick.
You're all I've got.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, I messed up big time.
But [SIGHS.]
I borrowed that money for our future.
You borrowed it from the mob.
How was that giving us a future? You could have at least told me.
I thought we were in this together.
I was trying to protect you.
You're just a kid.
Oh so I'm too young to know the truth, but I'm not too young to lie, cheat and steal from the Thompsons.
Well, I'm not doing it to them anymore.
They're good to me.
- [GATE CLOSES IN DISTANCE.]
- I'm sorry.
You're right and I [SIGHS.]
I wish you didn't have to do any of this and I know how disappointed you must be in me.
Yeah.
I am.
I promise I will never lie to you again.
Then tell me how much money you owe.
Not that much.
- I'll see you later.
- $100,000.
What? [GATE CLICKS OPEN.]
What about all the money I've been paying? The money I'm delivering this week.
It's just the interest.
I'm sorry.
We We haven't even made a dent.
But that's my problem.
Not yours.
I'm pretty sure that when you borrowed this money and put your life in danger it became my problem.
If you pay it back they'll leave you alone and you'll be safe? Okay, then I'll get the money.
Wait, whoa, whoa, no.
You could get in real trouble.
I I can't let you wind up like me.
Absolutely not.
I forbid it.
What are you going to do? Ground me? [NICK SIGHS.]
PS I love you, Dad.
[UPBEAT OPENING CREDITS PLAYING.]
Mmm, protein bars for breakfast.
[LAUGHS.]
- Just like the pilgrims used to do.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Seriously though, what's the deal? Where's the bacon? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
My Top Chef audition is in a few weeks and I'm using every spare moment to practice.
Oh, look.
Dad cooked.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[DAD.]
So, Molly do you have any tests or quizzes in school today? No, it's kind of light today.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes, because it's Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day at the bank.
Oh.
[SCOFFS.]
I just remembered, I do have a test.
Two of them.
There's an assembly.
It's mandatory.
Well I thought you might try that, which is why I didn't give you any notice.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Why can't you just take Jeremy? He has a test in every subject today.
Which, now that I say it out loud, does sound suspicious.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh.
[WINCES.]
Man, my head is burning up.
I think I have a fever.
- [GROANS.]
My appendix! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Yeah, it's on the other side.
- [MOANS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Every year, you try to get out of this, but, this year, I need to kiss up to my boss.
She is really into this day and I'm really into getting a promotion.
You can't do this.
Mom, tell him he can't do this.
Sorry.
We're beta testing your father as lead parent today.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Come on, remember how much fun you had that time we let you stack $100 dollar bills into $10,000 bundles? Ooh, can I come? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
I didn't think of inviting you, but yes, yes, a thousand times yes, you can come.
- No, Nick, save yourself.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But I've been thinking about going into finance.
And learning about the inner workings of a bank is like a dream come true.
[DAD.]
Huh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Fine.
If Nick's going to be there, I guess I'll go be miserable, too.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- That's the spirit! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh, hey, Dad.
Sorry about today.
So many tests.
Save it.
The girls are both going.
- You don't have to.
- [SIGHS.]
Sweet! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Mom, we need to talk.
[SIGHS.]
Don't startle me during knife time.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Look, you said you needed to think about the file.
It's been two weeks.
- [CHOPPING SOUNDS.]
- Enough procrastinating.
What are we doing? Well, I have been thinking about it, and it's got to be a mistake.
I mean, everything is going so good in the family right now.
What's the point in poking the bear? So the bear doesn't move into your house and eat all your porridge.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Have you ever read Goldilocks? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
By the way, how did you get the state record office to send you Nick's file? I told them I was Dad.
That's illegal.
It's a gray area.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
What's important is, the girl in this photo isn't Nick.
And if she isn't Nick, then who's living with us? I know, you're right.
I'll talk to her.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Hey, sweetie, I really hate to ask and it's not that we suspect you of anything or that we don't trust you Okay, that doesn't sound good.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm so sorry, but do you know why your file has a photo of this girl in it? Oh, yeah, that's me.
Before the reconstructive surgery.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Kidding.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Come on, Nick.
I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this.
[STAMMERING.]
I don't know.
I'm not in charge of the file.
Call Dorothy when Social Services opens.
But I'm me.
Have been for the last 14 years.
Okay.
I'll call her and straighten all this out.
[LAUGHS.]
- Bye.
- [NICK.]
Bye.
[NICK SIGHS.]
- [PHONE CLICKS OPEN.]
- [BUTTONS CLICK.]
[PHONE BEEPS.]
- [MUSING INSTRUMENTALS.]
- Dorothy, it's me.
We have a Code Liz.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[DAD.]
Here it is, ladies.
This is where the magic happens.
The magic of compound interest.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Ooh, there's my boss.
Helen, look, I brought two kids this year.
[LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, look, I know you think today is going to be fun, but you're wrong.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- And I have got a way out.
If we complain enough, Dad will take us home early.
One year, he even took me to a movie, all because I cried.
You can make yourself cry? Yeah.
I just need to think of the saddest thing in the world.
A newly-orphaned wolf pup crying out for its mother.
Or being in this bank.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Attention, kids.
We're going to start the tour.
- [TEENS GROAN.]
- That's the spirit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
This is an automated teller machine, or ATM machine for short.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [DAD.]
Yes, Nick? All the money that comes out of an ATM, how did they get it in there? Great question.
Once a week, a special security officer loads it with 80 Gs of crisp new bills.
The more questions you ask, the longer this is going to take.
So where does this security officer come from? Probably the armored truck service.
What day of the week do those come? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Hmm.
Not really sure.
Monday, I think.
These are very insightful questions your daughter is asking.
Second cousin, twice removed, actually.
You're more than that.
Nick is family.
And she's very interested in banking.
And I'm interested in going to see a movie.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Wow.
With all this money, you must have a lot of security.
Oh, we do.
Not only do we have video cameras we also have armed security guards.
The bank is really safe.
And, speaking of, we also have a really giant safe.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
A little bank humor for you.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Oh, that's great.
[LAUGHS.]
You are so lucky, Ed.
Young people like Nick are the future of banking.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Thank you for talking to me, Dorothy.
- Oh, my pleasure.
- [CARDS PATTER.]
I just wanted to ask, we received a copy of Nick's file from the state and the photo in it isn't of Nick.
[LAUGHS.]
This happens all the time.
Our system is so antiquated.
I'm sure that if you looked at a picture of me in my file, it would probably be of someone else, too.
- It's really that common? - Sadly, yes.
There are probably two Nicole Pattersons in the system, so the state and the local records don't match.
You know what? I bet this is what happened when we were originally coordinating with the wrong Ed Thompson.
Remember? Oh, yeah, that's right.
Well, thank you for clearing that all up.
No problem.
Have a blessed day.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [CLICKING.]
- [INHALES.]
Jeremy, I just talked to the social worker.
It's all a big mistake.
Turns out there are two Nicole Pattersons in the system and she said that the local office has the right file.
Okay, well, the state said that there was only one Nicole Patterson.
This is why we have to go down to Child & Family Services and see the file for ourselves.
No, I really don't think that's necessary.
Come on, Mom.
Don't you want to know for sure? One way or the other? [SIGHS.]
Fine.
If it'll put an end to all this.
I'll get Eduardo to handle things at the restaurant.
I'll pick you up after school.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm starving.
I've only had a protein bar all day.
You know Ed keeps candy in his desk, right? No, I did not.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[KNOCKING.]
Hello, Miss Louis.
Sorry to interrupt your lunch, but may I join you? I wanted to ask you some questions.
Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
It is so refreshing to have a young person show so much enthusiasm.
- [NICK LAUGHS.]
- Please, sit.
I am curious about your journey into the world of banking.
Did you grow up here? No, I'm actually from upstate New York.
A little town called Webster.
Oh, no way! I know someone from Webster.
And you look just like her.
Rachel Garretts.
Any relation? Hmm.
I don't believe we have any Garretts in my family.
Oh, too bad.
How about on your mother's side? What's her maiden name? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Donnelly.
- Oh, love that last name.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
And I love how inquisitive you are.
[NICK LAUGHS.]
- It's a gift.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Now, being from New York you must be a Billy Joel fan? Was that your first concert? [LAUGHS.]
Well, I have been known to sing along with the Piano Man.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But, no, my first concert was You're going to laugh.
The Spice Girls.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- I know! - [LAUGHING.]
My goldfish, Cliff used to love the Spice Girls.
[LAUGHS.]
What was your first pet's name? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[QUICK DRUM INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [CLICKING.]
- Pet's name, Beowulf.
- And - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [CLICKS.]
- [COMPUTER BEEPS.]
Bingo! [NICK LAUGHS.]
- [CLICKING.]
- [ED.]
What are you doing? - [NICK GASPS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[NICK.]
Uh I am so sorry.
I think I messed something up.
I was just trying to check my email but I may have pressed a few wrong buttons and made a transfer.
It's okay.
Don't worry.
There's no way you could have accidentally made a transfer.
There are plenty of safeguards in place for that.
Not even the bank president can unilaterally make transfers.
- Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Whew - [ED LAUGHS.]
Believe me, if they didn't have those in place, I would have accidentally transferred so much money to so many wrong people.
Sometimes, after I lose at Solitaire, I get angry and bang on the keyboard.
Stuff happens.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Phew.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
So to be clear, you're saying there's no way I could possibly transfer any money? Not a chance.
Wonderful.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
I never thought I'd actually be hoping for a bank robbery and or hostage situation.
But here we are.
Hey, Nick Helen is really impressed with you.
Oh, I'm so glad.
She's amazing.
She's also a big fan of yours, Molly.
Nice try, Dad, but I don't need to impress a member of the financial elite who is trying to indoctrinate me into the amoral world of capitalism and corporate profits.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
- But how do you feel about desk candy? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Don't try to buy me off.
I'm not for sale.
Plus I already ate all of your desk candy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Remember earlier when you mentioned bundling cash, when do we get to do that? Yeah, we don't do that anymore.
You'd think letting kids play around with thousands of dollars of cash would be a good idea.
- Turns out it's not.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But, hey, who wants to see the safe-deposit area? [GASPS.]
Ooh, where people keep their blood diamonds? No thanks.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- I'd like to see the safe-deposit room.
I thought you might.
It's my favorite room.
- Come on.
- [NICK SQUEALS.]
Okay.
Wait.
What about me? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Wait up! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[KEYS RATTLE.]
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
- Yuck.
It smells like the 1% in here.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Ms.
Chang, I didn't know you were here.
Would you like to use our privacy room? No need.
I'm very proud of my wealth.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Ed, do me a favor and take over assisting Ms.
Chang.
- Sure.
No problem.
- [KEYS RATTLING.]
Can we open some safe-deposit boxes and see what's inside? [LAUGHS.]
I wish.
It's a two-key system.
We've got one key, the owner of the safe-deposit box has the other.
Hello, beautiful.
Oh, Ms.
Chang.
I'm blushing.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- I was talking to the necklace.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Daddy bought it for me when he married my best friend.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- That necklace is worth $150,000.
- [NICK GASPS.]
- It's beautiful.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
It could feed an entire nation.
- Thank you.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm going to be taking this out for the next four weeks - since it's Gala season.
- [ED.]
Ah.
Just don't drop the necklace in a chocolate fountain.
- [ED LAUGHS.]
- Don't worry, it's insured.
It's worth more than you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Not sure you can place a value on human life, but you're probably right.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[KEYS JINGLE.]
- Thank you, Thomas.
- [ED LAUGHS.]
[ED SIGHS.]
- She thinks my name is Thomas.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- It's too late to correct her.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Why do you let her talk to you like that? Because she's our biggest client.
And banking is all about relationships.
Exactly.
If I could get her to consolidate all of her accounts to this bank I bet Helen would give you a huge promotion.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [HANDS CLAP.]
Well, I think Ms.
Chang is horrible.
No.
She's perfect.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
I can't believe we're this close to finally finding out the truth.
Easy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Here you go.
- Nicole Patterson.
- Thank you.
This is like Christmas and election day all rolled into one.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[LIZ.]
That's her.
Satisfied now? No, this is impossible.
[JEREMY.]
The file from the state was a different person.
Well, it's not unusual for there to be discrepancies.
Especially between the state and local filing systems.
No.
None of this adds up.
You know what doesn't add up? This RadioShack computer I have to use.
- Literally no calculator.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Everything around here is done by hand.
Half these files have some major error.
Okay, but what about Dorothy? I mean, she wasn't in the Social Services database either.
You mean Dorothy Wachowski? Nobody knows how to spell her name.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[WOMAN.]
Liz? [LAUGHS.]
Jeremy, hello.
I thought I heard you out here.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Are you okay, Jeremy? What I think he's trying to convey is that all of his questions have been answered.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh, Liz, I love your ring.
Thank you.
It was my mother's.
You know, funny enough, I lost it a few weeks ago, but Nick found it.
Wow.
That is lucky.
How is Nick? - Did she have a good birthday? - Oh, it was amazing.
Yeah, we totally surprised her.
Surprise parties are my thing, - Oh.
- But we did have this little incident where some crazy person showed up at our door claiming all of our furniture was listed on Craigslist.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Other than that, it was great.
Wow.
So random.
[LIZ LAUGHS.]
- Well, good to see you.
- You too.
Let's go, Jeremy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Thanks for the heads up, Cheryl.
I owe you one unlabeled bottle of Costa Nord.
- [CHERYL.]
Mm-hmm.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Thank you all for coming.
I can't wait to see you next year.
- Siri - [PHONE DINGS.]
remind me I have tests in every subject one year from today.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Hey, let's get out of here already.
Hang on.
I want to thank Helen.
I had so much fun today.
Me too.
You really are lucky to have this job.
- [LAUGHS.]
Isn't she great? - So great.
I wish I could come back every day.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Wait a minute.
Maybe there is a way.
What do you mean? Yeah, what do you mean? I saw on your website, you offer internships.
Oh, those are for college students.
[SIGHS.]
I know, but maybe you could make an exception? Didn't you say I was the future of banking? You did say that.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Hey, I'm the future of stuff, too.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I mean, unless you don't have the authority to change the rules.
I'm the president of the bank.
I can do whatever I want.
Welcome aboard, Nick.
- [NICK LAUGHS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Look at that! The bank's new intern is my daughter.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [ED.]
I'm so glad.
[ED.]
Mmm! [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
So everyone else was right? Yes.
And I was wrong.
Yes.
All this time everyone else was right - and I was wrong.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm proud of you.
You know, it's hard to admit when you're wrong.
Hey, Nick is not a threat to you.
She's just a girl who needs our help.
[STAMMERING.]
I see that now.
Nick's legit.
She has been all along.
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
Sometimes, things are exactly as they seem.
[JEREMY TREMBLES.]
- It's so weird being wrong.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I feel like Dad.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
- This is a lot of onions.
- [LIZ SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Too bad a bear broke in and ate all our porridge.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[LIZ.]
Hey.
- [LIZ.]
Mmm! - [AUDIENCE SWOONS.]
- [ED LAUGHS.]
- You're in a good mood.
Yeah, well, you wouldn't believe how amazing it was to have Nick at the bank today.
Everyone loved her, especially Helen.
That's great, Nick.
Yeah.
They even gave her an internship.
It was designed for college students, but Helen bent the rules because Nick was so impressive.
Hey, good for you.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
She made me look so good.
I mean, she is the best.
I've never been so proud.
It's awesome.
Thanks, Dad.
[AUDIENCE "OOHS".]
What's going on? I think I know.
Molls, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
You've never been so proud? [MOLLY SIGHS.]
Well, I'm just glad you were finally able to replace me with Nick.
The daughter you've always wanted.
Look, I never meant to hurt you, okay? I am so proud of who you've become.
You're the most thoughtful, caring, giving person I know and no-one could ever replace you, not in a million years.
You know that, right? Not even the amazing Nick? [SIGHS.]
Not even the amazing Nick.
You will always be my little girl.
You really mean that? Of course I do.
Look Nick is part of our family now but that doesn't mean she's replacing you.
It just means we all need to make a little room for her.
Think you can do that? [ED LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE "AWW"S.]
Nick.
I am so sorry.
I swear I would never try to come between you two.
As much as I wish my parents were here I'd never want to take that away from anyone.
Especially not my best friend.
I'll let you guys talk.
[KISSING SOUND.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I wasn't trying to show you up or anything today.
I'm just really interested in bank stuff.
You know that's crazy weird, right? - [NICK LAUGHS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I know.
I'm a weirdo.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
That's okay.
So am I.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry that I got all jealous.
I'm just used to being the only daughter.
So when you were getting all of Dad's attention I guess I just freaked.
You don't have to apologize.
I'm just glad we're good.
Me too.
- [EMOTIONAL INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [NICK LAUGHS.]
[MAN SIGHS.]
Sure is a beautiful evening.
The cicadas are really singing.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Seriously? We've got to do this passphrase every time? No-one's around, man.
[NICK SIGHS.]
Fine! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
It's a perfect day for fishing.
I wonder if the trout are biting.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- See? That was easy and fun! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[PAPER SLIDES.]
None of this is easy and fun.
You're a mobster whose friends beat up my dad and I pay you money so it doesn't happen again.
We're not BFFs.
I've had friendships based on less.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
As soon as I'm done paying down his debt I don't plan on seeing your ugly face again.
Okay.
On that note, I'll see you next week.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Oh, and I know I don't have to tell you this, but, for your father's sake don't be late.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
[SIGHS.]
[PHONE CLICKS OPEN, BEEPS.]
Hey, Dad.
Yeah, I just delivered the payment.
But I've got a new plan to get the money and get our lives back, all without hurting the Thompsons, or the Harbaughs finding out.
- [STRAINED INSTRUMENTALS.]
- It's simple.
I've got a new job at the bank.
[BROODING INSTRUMENTALS.]
So I saw Liz today.
She was wearing the ring Nick promised us.
And I think Nick tried to run a Craigslist scam behind our backs.
Nick said that the juice would be worth the squeeze, but I think she's holding out on us.
We need to do something to insure our investment.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [GATE CLICKS SHUT.]
- Hey, kiddo.
Thanks so much for coming.
You know, it really means a lot.
I'm here.
What do you want? I just I wanted to get the chance to apologize in person.
Great.
You've apologized.
Are we done? Wait, come on, Nick.
You're all I've got.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, I messed up big time.
But [SIGHS.]
I borrowed that money for our future.
You borrowed it from the mob.
How was that giving us a future? You could have at least told me.
I thought we were in this together.
I was trying to protect you.
You're just a kid.
Oh so I'm too young to know the truth, but I'm not too young to lie, cheat and steal from the Thompsons.
Well, I'm not doing it to them anymore.
They're good to me.
- [GATE CLOSES IN DISTANCE.]
- I'm sorry.
You're right and I [SIGHS.]
I wish you didn't have to do any of this and I know how disappointed you must be in me.
Yeah.
I am.
I promise I will never lie to you again.
Then tell me how much money you owe.
Not that much.
- I'll see you later.
- $100,000.
What? [GATE CLICKS OPEN.]
What about all the money I've been paying? The money I'm delivering this week.
It's just the interest.
I'm sorry.
We We haven't even made a dent.
But that's my problem.
Not yours.
I'm pretty sure that when you borrowed this money and put your life in danger it became my problem.
If you pay it back they'll leave you alone and you'll be safe? Okay, then I'll get the money.
Wait, whoa, whoa, no.
You could get in real trouble.
I I can't let you wind up like me.
Absolutely not.
I forbid it.
What are you going to do? Ground me? [NICK SIGHS.]
PS I love you, Dad.
[UPBEAT OPENING CREDITS PLAYING.]
Mmm, protein bars for breakfast.
[LAUGHS.]
- Just like the pilgrims used to do.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Seriously though, what's the deal? Where's the bacon? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
My Top Chef audition is in a few weeks and I'm using every spare moment to practice.
Oh, look.
Dad cooked.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[DAD.]
So, Molly do you have any tests or quizzes in school today? No, it's kind of light today.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes, because it's Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day at the bank.
Oh.
[SCOFFS.]
I just remembered, I do have a test.
Two of them.
There's an assembly.
It's mandatory.
Well I thought you might try that, which is why I didn't give you any notice.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Why can't you just take Jeremy? He has a test in every subject today.
Which, now that I say it out loud, does sound suspicious.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh.
[WINCES.]
Man, my head is burning up.
I think I have a fever.
- [GROANS.]
My appendix! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Yeah, it's on the other side.
- [MOANS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Every year, you try to get out of this, but, this year, I need to kiss up to my boss.
She is really into this day and I'm really into getting a promotion.
You can't do this.
Mom, tell him he can't do this.
Sorry.
We're beta testing your father as lead parent today.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Come on, remember how much fun you had that time we let you stack $100 dollar bills into $10,000 bundles? Ooh, can I come? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
I didn't think of inviting you, but yes, yes, a thousand times yes, you can come.
- No, Nick, save yourself.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But I've been thinking about going into finance.
And learning about the inner workings of a bank is like a dream come true.
[DAD.]
Huh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Fine.
If Nick's going to be there, I guess I'll go be miserable, too.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- That's the spirit! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh, hey, Dad.
Sorry about today.
So many tests.
Save it.
The girls are both going.
- You don't have to.
- [SIGHS.]
Sweet! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Mom, we need to talk.
[SIGHS.]
Don't startle me during knife time.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Look, you said you needed to think about the file.
It's been two weeks.
- [CHOPPING SOUNDS.]
- Enough procrastinating.
What are we doing? Well, I have been thinking about it, and it's got to be a mistake.
I mean, everything is going so good in the family right now.
What's the point in poking the bear? So the bear doesn't move into your house and eat all your porridge.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Have you ever read Goldilocks? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
By the way, how did you get the state record office to send you Nick's file? I told them I was Dad.
That's illegal.
It's a gray area.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
What's important is, the girl in this photo isn't Nick.
And if she isn't Nick, then who's living with us? I know, you're right.
I'll talk to her.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Hey, sweetie, I really hate to ask and it's not that we suspect you of anything or that we don't trust you Okay, that doesn't sound good.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm so sorry, but do you know why your file has a photo of this girl in it? Oh, yeah, that's me.
Before the reconstructive surgery.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Kidding.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Come on, Nick.
I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this.
[STAMMERING.]
I don't know.
I'm not in charge of the file.
Call Dorothy when Social Services opens.
But I'm me.
Have been for the last 14 years.
Okay.
I'll call her and straighten all this out.
[LAUGHS.]
- Bye.
- [NICK.]
Bye.
[NICK SIGHS.]
- [PHONE CLICKS OPEN.]
- [BUTTONS CLICK.]
[PHONE BEEPS.]
- [MUSING INSTRUMENTALS.]
- Dorothy, it's me.
We have a Code Liz.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[DAD.]
Here it is, ladies.
This is where the magic happens.
The magic of compound interest.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Ooh, there's my boss.
Helen, look, I brought two kids this year.
[LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, look, I know you think today is going to be fun, but you're wrong.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- And I have got a way out.
If we complain enough, Dad will take us home early.
One year, he even took me to a movie, all because I cried.
You can make yourself cry? Yeah.
I just need to think of the saddest thing in the world.
A newly-orphaned wolf pup crying out for its mother.
Or being in this bank.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Attention, kids.
We're going to start the tour.
- [TEENS GROAN.]
- That's the spirit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
This is an automated teller machine, or ATM machine for short.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [DAD.]
Yes, Nick? All the money that comes out of an ATM, how did they get it in there? Great question.
Once a week, a special security officer loads it with 80 Gs of crisp new bills.
The more questions you ask, the longer this is going to take.
So where does this security officer come from? Probably the armored truck service.
What day of the week do those come? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Hmm.
Not really sure.
Monday, I think.
These are very insightful questions your daughter is asking.
Second cousin, twice removed, actually.
You're more than that.
Nick is family.
And she's very interested in banking.
And I'm interested in going to see a movie.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Wow.
With all this money, you must have a lot of security.
Oh, we do.
Not only do we have video cameras we also have armed security guards.
The bank is really safe.
And, speaking of, we also have a really giant safe.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
A little bank humor for you.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Oh, that's great.
[LAUGHS.]
You are so lucky, Ed.
Young people like Nick are the future of banking.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Thank you for talking to me, Dorothy.
- Oh, my pleasure.
- [CARDS PATTER.]
I just wanted to ask, we received a copy of Nick's file from the state and the photo in it isn't of Nick.
[LAUGHS.]
This happens all the time.
Our system is so antiquated.
I'm sure that if you looked at a picture of me in my file, it would probably be of someone else, too.
- It's really that common? - Sadly, yes.
There are probably two Nicole Pattersons in the system, so the state and the local records don't match.
You know what? I bet this is what happened when we were originally coordinating with the wrong Ed Thompson.
Remember? Oh, yeah, that's right.
Well, thank you for clearing that all up.
No problem.
Have a blessed day.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [CLICKING.]
- [INHALES.]
Jeremy, I just talked to the social worker.
It's all a big mistake.
Turns out there are two Nicole Pattersons in the system and she said that the local office has the right file.
Okay, well, the state said that there was only one Nicole Patterson.
This is why we have to go down to Child & Family Services and see the file for ourselves.
No, I really don't think that's necessary.
Come on, Mom.
Don't you want to know for sure? One way or the other? [SIGHS.]
Fine.
If it'll put an end to all this.
I'll get Eduardo to handle things at the restaurant.
I'll pick you up after school.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm starving.
I've only had a protein bar all day.
You know Ed keeps candy in his desk, right? No, I did not.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[KNOCKING.]
Hello, Miss Louis.
Sorry to interrupt your lunch, but may I join you? I wanted to ask you some questions.
Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
It is so refreshing to have a young person show so much enthusiasm.
- [NICK LAUGHS.]
- Please, sit.
I am curious about your journey into the world of banking.
Did you grow up here? No, I'm actually from upstate New York.
A little town called Webster.
Oh, no way! I know someone from Webster.
And you look just like her.
Rachel Garretts.
Any relation? Hmm.
I don't believe we have any Garretts in my family.
Oh, too bad.
How about on your mother's side? What's her maiden name? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Donnelly.
- Oh, love that last name.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
And I love how inquisitive you are.
[NICK LAUGHS.]
- It's a gift.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Now, being from New York you must be a Billy Joel fan? Was that your first concert? [LAUGHS.]
Well, I have been known to sing along with the Piano Man.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But, no, my first concert was You're going to laugh.
The Spice Girls.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- I know! - [LAUGHING.]
My goldfish, Cliff used to love the Spice Girls.
[LAUGHS.]
What was your first pet's name? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[QUICK DRUM INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [CLICKING.]
- Pet's name, Beowulf.
- And - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [CLICKS.]
- [COMPUTER BEEPS.]
Bingo! [NICK LAUGHS.]
- [CLICKING.]
- [ED.]
What are you doing? - [NICK GASPS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[NICK.]
Uh I am so sorry.
I think I messed something up.
I was just trying to check my email but I may have pressed a few wrong buttons and made a transfer.
It's okay.
Don't worry.
There's no way you could have accidentally made a transfer.
There are plenty of safeguards in place for that.
Not even the bank president can unilaterally make transfers.
- Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Whew - [ED LAUGHS.]
Believe me, if they didn't have those in place, I would have accidentally transferred so much money to so many wrong people.
Sometimes, after I lose at Solitaire, I get angry and bang on the keyboard.
Stuff happens.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Phew.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
So to be clear, you're saying there's no way I could possibly transfer any money? Not a chance.
Wonderful.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
I never thought I'd actually be hoping for a bank robbery and or hostage situation.
But here we are.
Hey, Nick Helen is really impressed with you.
Oh, I'm so glad.
She's amazing.
She's also a big fan of yours, Molly.
Nice try, Dad, but I don't need to impress a member of the financial elite who is trying to indoctrinate me into the amoral world of capitalism and corporate profits.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
- But how do you feel about desk candy? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Don't try to buy me off.
I'm not for sale.
Plus I already ate all of your desk candy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Remember earlier when you mentioned bundling cash, when do we get to do that? Yeah, we don't do that anymore.
You'd think letting kids play around with thousands of dollars of cash would be a good idea.
- Turns out it's not.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But, hey, who wants to see the safe-deposit area? [GASPS.]
Ooh, where people keep their blood diamonds? No thanks.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- I'd like to see the safe-deposit room.
I thought you might.
It's my favorite room.
- Come on.
- [NICK SQUEALS.]
Okay.
Wait.
What about me? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Wait up! - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[KEYS RATTLE.]
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
- Yuck.
It smells like the 1% in here.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Ms.
Chang, I didn't know you were here.
Would you like to use our privacy room? No need.
I'm very proud of my wealth.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Ed, do me a favor and take over assisting Ms.
Chang.
- Sure.
No problem.
- [KEYS RATTLING.]
Can we open some safe-deposit boxes and see what's inside? [LAUGHS.]
I wish.
It's a two-key system.
We've got one key, the owner of the safe-deposit box has the other.
Hello, beautiful.
Oh, Ms.
Chang.
I'm blushing.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- I was talking to the necklace.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Daddy bought it for me when he married my best friend.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- That necklace is worth $150,000.
- [NICK GASPS.]
- It's beautiful.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
It could feed an entire nation.
- Thank you.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm going to be taking this out for the next four weeks - since it's Gala season.
- [ED.]
Ah.
Just don't drop the necklace in a chocolate fountain.
- [ED LAUGHS.]
- Don't worry, it's insured.
It's worth more than you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Not sure you can place a value on human life, but you're probably right.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[KEYS JINGLE.]
- Thank you, Thomas.
- [ED LAUGHS.]
[ED SIGHS.]
- She thinks my name is Thomas.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- It's too late to correct her.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Why do you let her talk to you like that? Because she's our biggest client.
And banking is all about relationships.
Exactly.
If I could get her to consolidate all of her accounts to this bank I bet Helen would give you a huge promotion.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [HANDS CLAP.]
Well, I think Ms.
Chang is horrible.
No.
She's perfect.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
I can't believe we're this close to finally finding out the truth.
Easy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Here you go.
- Nicole Patterson.
- Thank you.
This is like Christmas and election day all rolled into one.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[LIZ.]
That's her.
Satisfied now? No, this is impossible.
[JEREMY.]
The file from the state was a different person.
Well, it's not unusual for there to be discrepancies.
Especially between the state and local filing systems.
No.
None of this adds up.
You know what doesn't add up? This RadioShack computer I have to use.
- Literally no calculator.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Everything around here is done by hand.
Half these files have some major error.
Okay, but what about Dorothy? I mean, she wasn't in the Social Services database either.
You mean Dorothy Wachowski? Nobody knows how to spell her name.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[WOMAN.]
Liz? [LAUGHS.]
Jeremy, hello.
I thought I heard you out here.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Are you okay, Jeremy? What I think he's trying to convey is that all of his questions have been answered.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh, Liz, I love your ring.
Thank you.
It was my mother's.
You know, funny enough, I lost it a few weeks ago, but Nick found it.
Wow.
That is lucky.
How is Nick? - Did she have a good birthday? - Oh, it was amazing.
Yeah, we totally surprised her.
Surprise parties are my thing, - Oh.
- But we did have this little incident where some crazy person showed up at our door claiming all of our furniture was listed on Craigslist.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Other than that, it was great.
Wow.
So random.
[LIZ LAUGHS.]
- Well, good to see you.
- You too.
Let's go, Jeremy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Thanks for the heads up, Cheryl.
I owe you one unlabeled bottle of Costa Nord.
- [CHERYL.]
Mm-hmm.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Thank you all for coming.
I can't wait to see you next year.
- Siri - [PHONE DINGS.]
remind me I have tests in every subject one year from today.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Hey, let's get out of here already.
Hang on.
I want to thank Helen.
I had so much fun today.
Me too.
You really are lucky to have this job.
- [LAUGHS.]
Isn't she great? - So great.
I wish I could come back every day.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Wait a minute.
Maybe there is a way.
What do you mean? Yeah, what do you mean? I saw on your website, you offer internships.
Oh, those are for college students.
[SIGHS.]
I know, but maybe you could make an exception? Didn't you say I was the future of banking? You did say that.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Hey, I'm the future of stuff, too.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I mean, unless you don't have the authority to change the rules.
I'm the president of the bank.
I can do whatever I want.
Welcome aboard, Nick.
- [NICK LAUGHS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Look at that! The bank's new intern is my daughter.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [ED.]
I'm so glad.
[ED.]
Mmm! [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
So everyone else was right? Yes.
And I was wrong.
Yes.
All this time everyone else was right - and I was wrong.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm proud of you.
You know, it's hard to admit when you're wrong.
Hey, Nick is not a threat to you.
She's just a girl who needs our help.
[STAMMERING.]
I see that now.
Nick's legit.
She has been all along.
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
Sometimes, things are exactly as they seem.
[JEREMY TREMBLES.]
- It's so weird being wrong.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I feel like Dad.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
- This is a lot of onions.
- [LIZ SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Too bad a bear broke in and ate all our porridge.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[LIZ.]
Hey.
- [LIZ.]
Mmm! - [AUDIENCE SWOONS.]
- [ED LAUGHS.]
- You're in a good mood.
Yeah, well, you wouldn't believe how amazing it was to have Nick at the bank today.
Everyone loved her, especially Helen.
That's great, Nick.
Yeah.
They even gave her an internship.
It was designed for college students, but Helen bent the rules because Nick was so impressive.
Hey, good for you.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
She made me look so good.
I mean, she is the best.
I've never been so proud.
It's awesome.
Thanks, Dad.
[AUDIENCE "OOHS".]
What's going on? I think I know.
Molls, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
You've never been so proud? [MOLLY SIGHS.]
Well, I'm just glad you were finally able to replace me with Nick.
The daughter you've always wanted.
Look, I never meant to hurt you, okay? I am so proud of who you've become.
You're the most thoughtful, caring, giving person I know and no-one could ever replace you, not in a million years.
You know that, right? Not even the amazing Nick? [SIGHS.]
Not even the amazing Nick.
You will always be my little girl.
You really mean that? Of course I do.
Look Nick is part of our family now but that doesn't mean she's replacing you.
It just means we all need to make a little room for her.
Think you can do that? [ED LAUGHS.]
[AUDIENCE "AWW"S.]
Nick.
I am so sorry.
I swear I would never try to come between you two.
As much as I wish my parents were here I'd never want to take that away from anyone.
Especially not my best friend.
I'll let you guys talk.
[KISSING SOUND.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I wasn't trying to show you up or anything today.
I'm just really interested in bank stuff.
You know that's crazy weird, right? - [NICK LAUGHS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I know.
I'm a weirdo.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
That's okay.
So am I.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry that I got all jealous.
I'm just used to being the only daughter.
So when you were getting all of Dad's attention I guess I just freaked.
You don't have to apologize.
I'm just glad we're good.
Me too.
- [EMOTIONAL INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [NICK LAUGHS.]
[MAN SIGHS.]
Sure is a beautiful evening.
The cicadas are really singing.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Seriously? We've got to do this passphrase every time? No-one's around, man.
[NICK SIGHS.]
Fine! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
It's a perfect day for fishing.
I wonder if the trout are biting.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- See? That was easy and fun! [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[PAPER SLIDES.]
None of this is easy and fun.
You're a mobster whose friends beat up my dad and I pay you money so it doesn't happen again.
We're not BFFs.
I've had friendships based on less.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
As soon as I'm done paying down his debt I don't plan on seeing your ugly face again.
Okay.
On that note, I'll see you next week.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Oh, and I know I don't have to tell you this, but, for your father's sake don't be late.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
[SIGHS.]
[PHONE CLICKS OPEN, BEEPS.]
Hey, Dad.
Yeah, I just delivered the payment.
But I've got a new plan to get the money and get our lives back, all without hurting the Thompsons, or the Harbaughs finding out.
- [STRAINED INSTRUMENTALS.]
- It's simple.
I've got a new job at the bank.
[BROODING INSTRUMENTALS.]
So I saw Liz today.
She was wearing the ring Nick promised us.
And I think Nick tried to run a Craigslist scam behind our backs.
Nick said that the juice would be worth the squeeze, but I think she's holding out on us.
We need to do something to insure our investment.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]