Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy (2012) s02e01 Episode Script
Tales From Painted Hawaii - 1
1 # Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! # Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! # Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! # Ha! It's luxury # Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! # Here it comes, here it comes # Here it comes again, yeah! # It's luxury # Here it comes, here it comes Here it comes again, yeah # La la la-la-la-la-la-la! # La la la-la-la-la! # La la la-la-la-la-la-la! La la la-la-la-la! Hi.
Welcome to the second series of Luxury Comedy.
We're in a coffee shop this time.
I know what you're thinking.
That sounds like the setting for a boring sitcom.
It's not gonna be boring, cos I've put a little twist on it.
It's a coffee shop on the edge of a volcano in Hawaii.
Ah, it's gonna be great.
I mean, I've never had a job before.
No-one's gonna give me a job in real life, are they? Noel, who are you talking to? The people - watching at home.
Just giving 'em a way in, you know, a friendly map and compass, cos, apparently, last time, a couple of people were confused.
OK.
So, introduce me, then.
All right, I'm just getting round to it.
This is Dolly, my cool friend.
We used to go out, back in the day, but I had to end it.
Yeah, Noel, I ended it.
I ended it.
Noel, I ended it.
No, if you remember, I ended it.
No, Noel.
If you remember, I ended it, cos you kept asking me to do that thing, you know, with the Yeah, all right.
Can we not talk about that on telly? Sure.
This is Smooth, my second-in-command.
Ha-ha! Check him out.
I won him in a card game.
Ha-ha! He's an anteater.
Imagine that! You are an anteater, aren't you? Yeah, why? It's just that you look like you're in Star Wars.
I'm mixed race.
Mixed race? Yeah, my mum's an anteater.
My dad's a man.
Your dad got off with an anteater? It's a bit weird, innit? Yeah, it is a bit weird.
But can you pipe down? My parents are sitting over there.
Ha-ha! Oh, where's Andy Warhol? He's in the cupboard.
Still? He's been in there since the first series.
I know.
He's decked it all out to look like Studio 54.
Ha-ha! Get him out, quick.
The show's started.
Ah, Andy, calm down.
Andy, stop humping the fixtures.
What is this? Where am I? What's happening? It's OK, calm down.
You're in the second series.
We got another series? Yeah! We're in a coffee shop this time.
Hmph! Sounds like the setting for a boring sitcom to me.
I've already been over this.
It's not gonna be.
I've put a twist on it.
It's basically a coffee shop on the edge of a volcano in Hawaii.
Check it out.
Hm.
I'm not sure that putting a coffee shop on the edge of a volcano is such a good idea.
Why not? I foresee trouble.
Oh, Andy, stop being such a square! You know it's cool that we're all in Hawaii.
You're just freaking out cos you don't wanna wear shorts.
I hate shorts.
I know you do.
No-one's gonna make you wear shorts, Andy.
It's fine.
Smooth? How are you feeling about the whole Hawaiian vibe? It's a bit of a weird location for a new business.
I mean, you're new to the service industry as it is.
Who are you? Deborah Meaden? No, I'm not.
But can you keep it down? She's sitting over there with Peanut Jones.
I think it's Peter Jones.
Oh, no, you're right.
That is Peanut Jones.
OK, yeah, let's talk about who's doing what.
Smooth, you'll be making the coffee.
I'm the fastest in the business.
How fast are you, exactly? Smooth! That is pretty fast.
Andy, I see you as front of house.
Why? Just think you're gonna really get on well with the general public.
Oh, actually, sorry, could I have a bit less froth on that, please? Ppffh! OK! And what about you? Well, you know, I'm the captain of the ship, the face of Luxury Coffee.
In fact, I've done an ad campaign.
It's pretty exciting.
There's billboards all round the island.
Ha-ha! Check this out.
# Sitting in Hawaii Drinking up a coffee Sip on the froth and suck my beans.
OK, any weird stuff off the internet that we can get involved in? Yeah, there's the new Paul Panfer film.
Love Paul Panfer! Ah, me too.
Yes, he's an internet sensation.
I tell you, Paul Panfer's gone from strength to strength since he started remaking Elvis films on his mobile phone.
Ha! Yeah, he's remade Blue Hawaii.
Look, it's already got nine million hits.
Yeah! Blaw Hawaweeee.
Wow, I've never seen waves so dramatic.
I know.
You would have to be a madman to go surfing today.
Those waves must be 50 foot tall.
100 foot tall at least.
Have you called the girls? No.
Why not? Cos I don't know them and nor do you.
Don't Don't mention it again.
Oh, my God.
Look! It can't be.
I see someone out there.
It's It is.
It's Paul Panfer! Whoa! Look at him go, man.
He's so reckless! It's like he just doesn't care.
He doesn't care! He's a maverick.
You know why he doesn't care? Why? Cos he's Paul Panfer! # Here comes Paul Panfer Look at Paul Panfer # He is a panther # He is a panther I am a panther # Hey, I'm Paul Panfer # .
.
Shake it, Paul Panfer, # Shake it Paul Panfer, shake it, Paul Panfer # Shake it, Paul Panfer He is a panther He is a panther Oh, fuck.
# Shake it, Paul Panfer # Looks like a panther He is a panther Shake it, Paul Panfer Looks like a panther He's like a panther No! Ah! Uh! I'm so hot for Paul Panfer right now.
Paul Panfer is my new muse.
I've invented a special Paul Panfer coffee.
Have you? It's more than a coffee.
It's an experience, really.
It's amazing.
Wow! The froth smells like the ocean.
- Got a tiny sugar sculpture of Paul.
- Basoo! And if you want extra milk, you squeeze it out of this blue tit.
Andy, put it on the specials board.
Aye aye, Captain.
# Sitting in Hawaii Drinking up a coffee Sip on the froth and suck my beans.
What are you doing? Just writing a letter to Paul Panfer.
Let me see.
No, it's personal.
Get off! What you doing? I'm just gonna have a little look.
You can't just read a letter from one man to his hero! "Dear Paul Panfer, loved your latest film, Blaw Hawaweeee.
"I myself run a coffee shop in Hawaii, "so if you fancy popping in, you can have free coffee.
"In fact, I've invented a coffee in your honour.
" Sorry about that.
"I think we might be kindred spirits and could easily be best friends.
"Love you a little bit, Noel.
"PS, I'm writing this in the nude.
" Yeah, all right! That is possibly the most embarrassing letter I've ever seen.
Well, no-one asked you to read it.
Why don't you just keep your big German nose out? What is wrong with you? Why are you so uncool? I mean, besides, he's not gonna respond to this, Noel.
Well, he might do.
He might come round.
No, that's the whole point of Paul Panfer.
He doesn't care about this stuff, you know.
And anyway, he can't even read.
Well, he must have people around him who can read.
I doubt it.
Anyway, look, it's up to me.
If I want to write a letter to Paul Panfer, I will, and I think he might read this and be touched by my words and I think he might pop round.
Do you? Right, this is urgent.
Post that to Paul Panfer's house.
Hello? All right, Noel? Ha-ha! All right, Peter.
Who is it? Secret Peter, my landlord.
Listen, there's a bit of a problem with the coffee shop.
What do you mean? Well, like you can't just put a coffee shop in Hawaii on the edge of a volcano.
Why not? Well, cos like it's sacred land, innit? Like you've upset the locals.
What locals? The cast of Magnum PI.
They're outside in the shop now.
Why don't you have a look, if you've got binoculars at hand? Easy, Magnum.
My God, they look furious! They are furious, cos you offended them and you've offended their volcano.
Right.
So, what am I gonna do? You're gonna do the right thing, Noel.
You're gonna have to sacrifice someone to the volcano to make it right again.
Yeah? What if I don't? Well, if you don't, they said they're gonna sacrifice you.
Blimey! Yeah, they're gonna luz you in the hole like a chicken wishbone.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Hey, Noel, you can't just put a coffee shop on a volcano.
I've already told him that, ain't I? What do you think the purpose of this phone call is? You think we're just talking about flowers? Why don't you go and do something useful like the Pot Noodles? I'm doing 'em! I just put the water in and I'm letting 'em stand.
Don't make mine too watery again.
If I wanted soup, I'd go get soup, you hear me? Who dat? That's Danny DeVito.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Where's he going? Magaluf.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Yeah, as much as I'm enjoying The Pot Noodle Monologues, I should probably go and deal with the locals.
'It's a film!' It's not big enough to swing a cat in here.
What's wrong with you? Go to sleep.
I can't go to sleep.
It's a big night tonight.
Paul Panfer's breaking out.
Paul Panfer's not breaking out! He is too.
He's gonna break out.
He's gonna concentrate on his musical career.
He has a good voice.
He says he's gonna get out, wait till things settle down, and then maybe in, like, five years, come back for me.
He's not coming back for you! He doesn't even know you, huh? You just saw him once in the rec room playing table tennis.
You said hello to him.
He just walked away.
You say that but, as he walked away, I heard him say really quietly, "I'm coming back for you in five years.
" At the time, I didn't know what he was talking about, but it all makes sense now.
Paul Panfer's not getting out of here! No-one's getting out of here! What's that noise? That's the sound the alarm makes when someone's getting out of here.
Look, it's Paul Panfer.
He's surfing his way to freedom on the back of a laundry truck.
Don't forget to concentrate on your music, Paul Panfer! The fuck.
Means we can get out of here.
Ha-ha-ha! This stuff's made of nothing.
Come on, let's go! Let's get the fuck out of here! Paul, wait for us! Wait! Wait for us, Paul! We're coming for you! Oh, fucking hell! Incredible.
Mm.
That is his best film.
What's wrong with you? Have you gone off Paul Panfer? No, of course I haven't gone off Paul Panfer.
I've just got a lot on my mind, haven't I? Ah, the volcano sacrifice.
Time's running out, old chap.
Woof! Woof, woof! Well, just make a decision, why don't you? It's not that simple, is it? Just get rid of Roy Circles.
I am Roy Circles! I'm the king of my own packet! Can't get rid of Roy Circles, can I? He's a schoolteacher.
What about the children's futures? Noel, he's not a schoolteacher.
He's a chocolate biscuit who thinks he's a schoolteacher.
I suppose I could sacrifice him.
Just dunk him in the volcano like it was a big cup of tea.
Yeah, just snap him up and chuck him in.
What? Just snap him up and chuck him in.
Noel, there's nothing more I'd like to do than sacrifice myself to a volcano.
I dream of being reunited with my wife.
Unfortunately, though, it is sports day tomorrow! The most important day for a PE teacher! And, even if I say it myself, we are red-hot favourites this year! We have got, from the African exchange programme, Stephen Caheely in the 10,000 metres! If he doesn't win, I'll eat my own whistle! And our secret weapon all the way from south London, Ian Hartfield! Although only seven years old and 18 stone, he can shift a javelin like it was an HB pencil! Ha-ha! Who saw that coming for the chubby Tooting maestro? Ah, Roy, I could never sacrifice you.
No, you couldn't.
If you want my advice, I'd probably do Tony Reason.
Why? Well, he's a fish, ain't he? Fuck him! Ha-ha! Roy.
Ah.
Oh! All right, Tony? Before you even open your mouth, can I just say I was the first character you invented for this show? Yeah, I know.
Yeah, and because of that you've got a soft spot for me, a bit like a first-born child.
That's true.
Plus, how many other shows do you know that have got a talking manta ray who's a music producer in them? I know.
All right, I can't sacrifice you.
I'm aware of that.
Plus, I'm the only character in the show with any sort of cultural integrity, which moves me on swiftly to my next point, Paul Panfer.
What about Paul Panfer? Awful.
Never seen so much bilge, going around ruining the reputation of Elvis Presley.
I love Paul Panfer.
Shoddy remakes.
Elvis must be spinning in his grave, quite literally.
Well, the thing is, Tone, the kids dig Paul Panfer, you know? He's an internet sensation.
Can't fight progress.
Well, if that's what the kids are digging, I don't want any part of it.
Come on, that's not true.
Everyone knows you're down with the kids.
You work with Rizzle Kicks, don't you? Rizzle Kicks live in the same street as me, so occasionally I pay them some extra pocket money to clean my car.
It's not really the same thing, is it? No, I suppose.
What am I gonna do? I've got to sacrifice someone.
Well, if you want my opinion, I'd sacrifice New York Cop.
Really? Why? Well, he's American, isn't he? Not the same as us, are they? Bit racist.
Look, the thing is, Raymond you know, the locals have really forced my hand and someone's gonna have to be sacrificed to the volcano, and unfortunately that someone is you.
Let me tell you something about Hawaii.
It has the highest crime rate in the world.
Are you aware of that? Really? Oh, yeah.
Very bad place, very bad place.
You take me out of the equation, who's gonna police the area? I predict very bad things, very bad things indeed.
What kind of things? Parking offences.
Fraud.
Robbery.
The other day, the Mayor was kidnapped in broad daylight, taken back to some guy's shed and forced to drink Tizer at knife-point.
Three cans! Three cans, I tell you! The guy was full and gassy, too.
Well, I had no idea that Hawaii was so dangerous.
Oh, yeah.
And with me out of the equation, there'll be no-one left to solve these crimes.
What about Magnum, you fat son of a bitch? Jesus, I forgot about Magnum! OK, um take Hooper! He's hopeless anyway! Oh, I can't believe you'd sell me down the river like that.
Where is Hooper? Hooper likes to ride in the trunk.
He feels better in there.
OK.
The thing is, it's Magnum that's the problem, you know? He's one of the locals.
He's the main local.
You know I went to rookie college with him? Hooper! Went to rookie college with Magnum, didn't I? Don't answer that! I went to rookie college with that guy, ah before he turned his back on the force and became a PI.
I hated him.
You were jealous of him cos you look like him, only a fatter version! You shut up.
Ha-ha! Plus he dated Mrs Boombox before you did.
Everyone knows that.
OK, look! Now, let's get one thing clear.
They went on one date together in the daytime to the boat propeller museum, OK? And they only held hands for like, two seconds, maximum! Mrs Boombox assures me of those facts! In fact, she offered to take a lie-detector test! I'm sure she did.
All right, look, I'll do a deal with you.
You take care of Magnum and the locals, yeah, and I won't sacrifice you or trunk boy.
OK, I'll take the case.
Great, but can you hurry up, cos there's, like, seven minutes until the end of the episode? I'm just waiting for you to leave and then I will snap into action.
Bye.
Hooper, has he gone? Fuck you, fat man.
OK, let's watch Paul Panfer films.
Pick up a Panfer! I love this guy.
He is an internet sensation.
Ha-ha! La, la, la-la-la-la! What's wrong with you? I couldn't do it.
I couldn't sacrifice Tony Reason or New York Cop.
I mean, I love those guys.
Noel.
I think I know why you couldn't do it.
Why? It is because you play those characters.
It'd be like killing a part of yourself.
I never looked at it like that.
Mm.
If I can't sacrifice a character I play, who does that leave? Oh, you three.
Well done, Andy.
Oh, you tit.
No, don't blame me.
No, I'm not the one that put the coffee shop on the volcano.
I warned him.
There's only one tit here, and it's that tit there, the tit with the hair! Yeah, OK.
Look, the thing is, somebody's got to be sacrificed, OK? I'm gonna interview you three and make a decision.
I mean, come on, it could be fun, like The Hawaiian Apprentice.
Yeah, no-one dies in The Apprentice, Noel.
OK, Smooth, why shouldn't I sacrifice you? Well, firstly, I do all the work in the coffee shop, plus we're brothers in real life, so if you did sacrifice me, Mum would kill you.
That is true.
Andy? Um mm.
Well, er on on Friday, I'm having a sleepover.
You could come.
Picasso will be there, with Miro and Salvador Dali.
Really? Yes, the Spanish boys.
Right.
And what sort of things would we be getting up to? We'll be eating tapas.
Oh, I love tapas.
Right, Dolly, why shouldn't I sacrifice you? Please don't sacrifice me, Noel, please! Please do not sacrifice me.
Please! Can you stop begging? It's so uncool.
No, that's where you're wrong.
Begging's come back in.
I didn't know that.
Exactly.
There's lots of things you don't know.
I tell you what's cool and what's not cool.
You need me.
OK.
So, cool.
Tapas.
Mum's gonna kill me.
Ah, look, I can't do it.
You're my three best friends in the world.
I mean, I can't sacrifice one of you lot.
What are we gonna do? I dunno.
Let's just get out of here.
Hold it right there.
Time's up, I'm afraid, old boy.
OK, you had until the end of the episode to sacrifice someone to the volcano.
You failed, so now you and the rest of your staff will all be sacrificed.
This is like the SCUM Manifesto all over again.
Looks a bit warm in there.
I can't believe this is how I'm gonna die, sacrificed to a volcano.
It's so uncool.
Basoo! Look, it's Paul Panfer! Must have got my letter.
Paul, over here! You are a panther Who are you? What's happening? Argh! Basoo! Oh, my God! Paul Panfer has fallen into the volcano! What a dick! Freeze! You're too late.
Paul Panfer's already saved us.
Where's Magnum? I think his head is over there.
Mind if I keep this? What for? Wear it home, surprise Mrs Boombox.
That's a bit perverse, innit? Listen to me, Noel, when you've been married for 25 years, you do what you gotta do to keep things spicy in the bedroom.
I'm talking boner times.
Fair enough.
Oh! What is happening? Ah, ho-ho-ho! Look, it's Paul Panfer! Basoo! Pick up a panther Paul Panfer, you single-handedly kept my legacy alive.
You have re-imagined all my films for a new generation.
I love you, Paul Panfer.
Surf into my arms.
Come to Mama, Paul Panfer.
Come to Mama.
Basoo! Basoo! I'm Danny DeVito.
I'm Danny DeVito.
I'm Danny DeVito.
I'm I'm Danny DeVito.
Welcome to the second series of Luxury Comedy.
We're in a coffee shop this time.
I know what you're thinking.
That sounds like the setting for a boring sitcom.
It's not gonna be boring, cos I've put a little twist on it.
It's a coffee shop on the edge of a volcano in Hawaii.
Ah, it's gonna be great.
I mean, I've never had a job before.
No-one's gonna give me a job in real life, are they? Noel, who are you talking to? The people - watching at home.
Just giving 'em a way in, you know, a friendly map and compass, cos, apparently, last time, a couple of people were confused.
OK.
So, introduce me, then.
All right, I'm just getting round to it.
This is Dolly, my cool friend.
We used to go out, back in the day, but I had to end it.
Yeah, Noel, I ended it.
I ended it.
Noel, I ended it.
No, if you remember, I ended it.
No, Noel.
If you remember, I ended it, cos you kept asking me to do that thing, you know, with the Yeah, all right.
Can we not talk about that on telly? Sure.
This is Smooth, my second-in-command.
Ha-ha! Check him out.
I won him in a card game.
Ha-ha! He's an anteater.
Imagine that! You are an anteater, aren't you? Yeah, why? It's just that you look like you're in Star Wars.
I'm mixed race.
Mixed race? Yeah, my mum's an anteater.
My dad's a man.
Your dad got off with an anteater? It's a bit weird, innit? Yeah, it is a bit weird.
But can you pipe down? My parents are sitting over there.
Ha-ha! Oh, where's Andy Warhol? He's in the cupboard.
Still? He's been in there since the first series.
I know.
He's decked it all out to look like Studio 54.
Ha-ha! Get him out, quick.
The show's started.
Ah, Andy, calm down.
Andy, stop humping the fixtures.
What is this? Where am I? What's happening? It's OK, calm down.
You're in the second series.
We got another series? Yeah! We're in a coffee shop this time.
Hmph! Sounds like the setting for a boring sitcom to me.
I've already been over this.
It's not gonna be.
I've put a twist on it.
It's basically a coffee shop on the edge of a volcano in Hawaii.
Check it out.
Hm.
I'm not sure that putting a coffee shop on the edge of a volcano is such a good idea.
Why not? I foresee trouble.
Oh, Andy, stop being such a square! You know it's cool that we're all in Hawaii.
You're just freaking out cos you don't wanna wear shorts.
I hate shorts.
I know you do.
No-one's gonna make you wear shorts, Andy.
It's fine.
Smooth? How are you feeling about the whole Hawaiian vibe? It's a bit of a weird location for a new business.
I mean, you're new to the service industry as it is.
Who are you? Deborah Meaden? No, I'm not.
But can you keep it down? She's sitting over there with Peanut Jones.
I think it's Peter Jones.
Oh, no, you're right.
That is Peanut Jones.
OK, yeah, let's talk about who's doing what.
Smooth, you'll be making the coffee.
I'm the fastest in the business.
How fast are you, exactly? Smooth! That is pretty fast.
Andy, I see you as front of house.
Why? Just think you're gonna really get on well with the general public.
Oh, actually, sorry, could I have a bit less froth on that, please? Ppffh! OK! And what about you? Well, you know, I'm the captain of the ship, the face of Luxury Coffee.
In fact, I've done an ad campaign.
It's pretty exciting.
There's billboards all round the island.
Ha-ha! Check this out.
# Sitting in Hawaii Drinking up a coffee Sip on the froth and suck my beans.
OK, any weird stuff off the internet that we can get involved in? Yeah, there's the new Paul Panfer film.
Love Paul Panfer! Ah, me too.
Yes, he's an internet sensation.
I tell you, Paul Panfer's gone from strength to strength since he started remaking Elvis films on his mobile phone.
Ha! Yeah, he's remade Blue Hawaii.
Look, it's already got nine million hits.
Yeah! Blaw Hawaweeee.
Wow, I've never seen waves so dramatic.
I know.
You would have to be a madman to go surfing today.
Those waves must be 50 foot tall.
100 foot tall at least.
Have you called the girls? No.
Why not? Cos I don't know them and nor do you.
Don't Don't mention it again.
Oh, my God.
Look! It can't be.
I see someone out there.
It's It is.
It's Paul Panfer! Whoa! Look at him go, man.
He's so reckless! It's like he just doesn't care.
He doesn't care! He's a maverick.
You know why he doesn't care? Why? Cos he's Paul Panfer! # Here comes Paul Panfer Look at Paul Panfer # He is a panther # He is a panther I am a panther # Hey, I'm Paul Panfer # .
.
Shake it, Paul Panfer, # Shake it Paul Panfer, shake it, Paul Panfer # Shake it, Paul Panfer He is a panther He is a panther Oh, fuck.
# Shake it, Paul Panfer # Looks like a panther He is a panther Shake it, Paul Panfer Looks like a panther He's like a panther No! Ah! Uh! I'm so hot for Paul Panfer right now.
Paul Panfer is my new muse.
I've invented a special Paul Panfer coffee.
Have you? It's more than a coffee.
It's an experience, really.
It's amazing.
Wow! The froth smells like the ocean.
- Got a tiny sugar sculpture of Paul.
- Basoo! And if you want extra milk, you squeeze it out of this blue tit.
Andy, put it on the specials board.
Aye aye, Captain.
# Sitting in Hawaii Drinking up a coffee Sip on the froth and suck my beans.
What are you doing? Just writing a letter to Paul Panfer.
Let me see.
No, it's personal.
Get off! What you doing? I'm just gonna have a little look.
You can't just read a letter from one man to his hero! "Dear Paul Panfer, loved your latest film, Blaw Hawaweeee.
"I myself run a coffee shop in Hawaii, "so if you fancy popping in, you can have free coffee.
"In fact, I've invented a coffee in your honour.
" Sorry about that.
"I think we might be kindred spirits and could easily be best friends.
"Love you a little bit, Noel.
"PS, I'm writing this in the nude.
" Yeah, all right! That is possibly the most embarrassing letter I've ever seen.
Well, no-one asked you to read it.
Why don't you just keep your big German nose out? What is wrong with you? Why are you so uncool? I mean, besides, he's not gonna respond to this, Noel.
Well, he might do.
He might come round.
No, that's the whole point of Paul Panfer.
He doesn't care about this stuff, you know.
And anyway, he can't even read.
Well, he must have people around him who can read.
I doubt it.
Anyway, look, it's up to me.
If I want to write a letter to Paul Panfer, I will, and I think he might read this and be touched by my words and I think he might pop round.
Do you? Right, this is urgent.
Post that to Paul Panfer's house.
Hello? All right, Noel? Ha-ha! All right, Peter.
Who is it? Secret Peter, my landlord.
Listen, there's a bit of a problem with the coffee shop.
What do you mean? Well, like you can't just put a coffee shop in Hawaii on the edge of a volcano.
Why not? Well, cos like it's sacred land, innit? Like you've upset the locals.
What locals? The cast of Magnum PI.
They're outside in the shop now.
Why don't you have a look, if you've got binoculars at hand? Easy, Magnum.
My God, they look furious! They are furious, cos you offended them and you've offended their volcano.
Right.
So, what am I gonna do? You're gonna do the right thing, Noel.
You're gonna have to sacrifice someone to the volcano to make it right again.
Yeah? What if I don't? Well, if you don't, they said they're gonna sacrifice you.
Blimey! Yeah, they're gonna luz you in the hole like a chicken wishbone.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Hey, Noel, you can't just put a coffee shop on a volcano.
I've already told him that, ain't I? What do you think the purpose of this phone call is? You think we're just talking about flowers? Why don't you go and do something useful like the Pot Noodles? I'm doing 'em! I just put the water in and I'm letting 'em stand.
Don't make mine too watery again.
If I wanted soup, I'd go get soup, you hear me? Who dat? That's Danny DeVito.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Where's he going? Magaluf.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Yeah, as much as I'm enjoying The Pot Noodle Monologues, I should probably go and deal with the locals.
'It's a film!' It's not big enough to swing a cat in here.
What's wrong with you? Go to sleep.
I can't go to sleep.
It's a big night tonight.
Paul Panfer's breaking out.
Paul Panfer's not breaking out! He is too.
He's gonna break out.
He's gonna concentrate on his musical career.
He has a good voice.
He says he's gonna get out, wait till things settle down, and then maybe in, like, five years, come back for me.
He's not coming back for you! He doesn't even know you, huh? You just saw him once in the rec room playing table tennis.
You said hello to him.
He just walked away.
You say that but, as he walked away, I heard him say really quietly, "I'm coming back for you in five years.
" At the time, I didn't know what he was talking about, but it all makes sense now.
Paul Panfer's not getting out of here! No-one's getting out of here! What's that noise? That's the sound the alarm makes when someone's getting out of here.
Look, it's Paul Panfer.
He's surfing his way to freedom on the back of a laundry truck.
Don't forget to concentrate on your music, Paul Panfer! The fuck.
Means we can get out of here.
Ha-ha-ha! This stuff's made of nothing.
Come on, let's go! Let's get the fuck out of here! Paul, wait for us! Wait! Wait for us, Paul! We're coming for you! Oh, fucking hell! Incredible.
Mm.
That is his best film.
What's wrong with you? Have you gone off Paul Panfer? No, of course I haven't gone off Paul Panfer.
I've just got a lot on my mind, haven't I? Ah, the volcano sacrifice.
Time's running out, old chap.
Woof! Woof, woof! Well, just make a decision, why don't you? It's not that simple, is it? Just get rid of Roy Circles.
I am Roy Circles! I'm the king of my own packet! Can't get rid of Roy Circles, can I? He's a schoolteacher.
What about the children's futures? Noel, he's not a schoolteacher.
He's a chocolate biscuit who thinks he's a schoolteacher.
I suppose I could sacrifice him.
Just dunk him in the volcano like it was a big cup of tea.
Yeah, just snap him up and chuck him in.
What? Just snap him up and chuck him in.
Noel, there's nothing more I'd like to do than sacrifice myself to a volcano.
I dream of being reunited with my wife.
Unfortunately, though, it is sports day tomorrow! The most important day for a PE teacher! And, even if I say it myself, we are red-hot favourites this year! We have got, from the African exchange programme, Stephen Caheely in the 10,000 metres! If he doesn't win, I'll eat my own whistle! And our secret weapon all the way from south London, Ian Hartfield! Although only seven years old and 18 stone, he can shift a javelin like it was an HB pencil! Ha-ha! Who saw that coming for the chubby Tooting maestro? Ah, Roy, I could never sacrifice you.
No, you couldn't.
If you want my advice, I'd probably do Tony Reason.
Why? Well, he's a fish, ain't he? Fuck him! Ha-ha! Roy.
Ah.
Oh! All right, Tony? Before you even open your mouth, can I just say I was the first character you invented for this show? Yeah, I know.
Yeah, and because of that you've got a soft spot for me, a bit like a first-born child.
That's true.
Plus, how many other shows do you know that have got a talking manta ray who's a music producer in them? I know.
All right, I can't sacrifice you.
I'm aware of that.
Plus, I'm the only character in the show with any sort of cultural integrity, which moves me on swiftly to my next point, Paul Panfer.
What about Paul Panfer? Awful.
Never seen so much bilge, going around ruining the reputation of Elvis Presley.
I love Paul Panfer.
Shoddy remakes.
Elvis must be spinning in his grave, quite literally.
Well, the thing is, Tone, the kids dig Paul Panfer, you know? He's an internet sensation.
Can't fight progress.
Well, if that's what the kids are digging, I don't want any part of it.
Come on, that's not true.
Everyone knows you're down with the kids.
You work with Rizzle Kicks, don't you? Rizzle Kicks live in the same street as me, so occasionally I pay them some extra pocket money to clean my car.
It's not really the same thing, is it? No, I suppose.
What am I gonna do? I've got to sacrifice someone.
Well, if you want my opinion, I'd sacrifice New York Cop.
Really? Why? Well, he's American, isn't he? Not the same as us, are they? Bit racist.
Look, the thing is, Raymond you know, the locals have really forced my hand and someone's gonna have to be sacrificed to the volcano, and unfortunately that someone is you.
Let me tell you something about Hawaii.
It has the highest crime rate in the world.
Are you aware of that? Really? Oh, yeah.
Very bad place, very bad place.
You take me out of the equation, who's gonna police the area? I predict very bad things, very bad things indeed.
What kind of things? Parking offences.
Fraud.
Robbery.
The other day, the Mayor was kidnapped in broad daylight, taken back to some guy's shed and forced to drink Tizer at knife-point.
Three cans! Three cans, I tell you! The guy was full and gassy, too.
Well, I had no idea that Hawaii was so dangerous.
Oh, yeah.
And with me out of the equation, there'll be no-one left to solve these crimes.
What about Magnum, you fat son of a bitch? Jesus, I forgot about Magnum! OK, um take Hooper! He's hopeless anyway! Oh, I can't believe you'd sell me down the river like that.
Where is Hooper? Hooper likes to ride in the trunk.
He feels better in there.
OK.
The thing is, it's Magnum that's the problem, you know? He's one of the locals.
He's the main local.
You know I went to rookie college with him? Hooper! Went to rookie college with Magnum, didn't I? Don't answer that! I went to rookie college with that guy, ah before he turned his back on the force and became a PI.
I hated him.
You were jealous of him cos you look like him, only a fatter version! You shut up.
Ha-ha! Plus he dated Mrs Boombox before you did.
Everyone knows that.
OK, look! Now, let's get one thing clear.
They went on one date together in the daytime to the boat propeller museum, OK? And they only held hands for like, two seconds, maximum! Mrs Boombox assures me of those facts! In fact, she offered to take a lie-detector test! I'm sure she did.
All right, look, I'll do a deal with you.
You take care of Magnum and the locals, yeah, and I won't sacrifice you or trunk boy.
OK, I'll take the case.
Great, but can you hurry up, cos there's, like, seven minutes until the end of the episode? I'm just waiting for you to leave and then I will snap into action.
Bye.
Hooper, has he gone? Fuck you, fat man.
OK, let's watch Paul Panfer films.
Pick up a Panfer! I love this guy.
He is an internet sensation.
Ha-ha! La, la, la-la-la-la! What's wrong with you? I couldn't do it.
I couldn't sacrifice Tony Reason or New York Cop.
I mean, I love those guys.
Noel.
I think I know why you couldn't do it.
Why? It is because you play those characters.
It'd be like killing a part of yourself.
I never looked at it like that.
Mm.
If I can't sacrifice a character I play, who does that leave? Oh, you three.
Well done, Andy.
Oh, you tit.
No, don't blame me.
No, I'm not the one that put the coffee shop on the volcano.
I warned him.
There's only one tit here, and it's that tit there, the tit with the hair! Yeah, OK.
Look, the thing is, somebody's got to be sacrificed, OK? I'm gonna interview you three and make a decision.
I mean, come on, it could be fun, like The Hawaiian Apprentice.
Yeah, no-one dies in The Apprentice, Noel.
OK, Smooth, why shouldn't I sacrifice you? Well, firstly, I do all the work in the coffee shop, plus we're brothers in real life, so if you did sacrifice me, Mum would kill you.
That is true.
Andy? Um mm.
Well, er on on Friday, I'm having a sleepover.
You could come.
Picasso will be there, with Miro and Salvador Dali.
Really? Yes, the Spanish boys.
Right.
And what sort of things would we be getting up to? We'll be eating tapas.
Oh, I love tapas.
Right, Dolly, why shouldn't I sacrifice you? Please don't sacrifice me, Noel, please! Please do not sacrifice me.
Please! Can you stop begging? It's so uncool.
No, that's where you're wrong.
Begging's come back in.
I didn't know that.
Exactly.
There's lots of things you don't know.
I tell you what's cool and what's not cool.
You need me.
OK.
So, cool.
Tapas.
Mum's gonna kill me.
Ah, look, I can't do it.
You're my three best friends in the world.
I mean, I can't sacrifice one of you lot.
What are we gonna do? I dunno.
Let's just get out of here.
Hold it right there.
Time's up, I'm afraid, old boy.
OK, you had until the end of the episode to sacrifice someone to the volcano.
You failed, so now you and the rest of your staff will all be sacrificed.
This is like the SCUM Manifesto all over again.
Looks a bit warm in there.
I can't believe this is how I'm gonna die, sacrificed to a volcano.
It's so uncool.
Basoo! Look, it's Paul Panfer! Must have got my letter.
Paul, over here! You are a panther Who are you? What's happening? Argh! Basoo! Oh, my God! Paul Panfer has fallen into the volcano! What a dick! Freeze! You're too late.
Paul Panfer's already saved us.
Where's Magnum? I think his head is over there.
Mind if I keep this? What for? Wear it home, surprise Mrs Boombox.
That's a bit perverse, innit? Listen to me, Noel, when you've been married for 25 years, you do what you gotta do to keep things spicy in the bedroom.
I'm talking boner times.
Fair enough.
Oh! What is happening? Ah, ho-ho-ho! Look, it's Paul Panfer! Basoo! Pick up a panther Paul Panfer, you single-handedly kept my legacy alive.
You have re-imagined all my films for a new generation.
I love you, Paul Panfer.
Surf into my arms.
Come to Mama, Paul Panfer.
Come to Mama.
Basoo! Basoo! I'm Danny DeVito.
I'm Danny DeVito.
I'm Danny DeVito.
I'm I'm Danny DeVito.