Orange Is the New Black s02e01 Episode Script
Thirsty Bird
Chapman! Chapman, let's go.
Up, up, up.
What? I'm up.
On your feet.
I thought I thought that Foley was on duty tonight.
Is it breakfast already? No, but if you're hungry, you can lick yesterday's off the wall.
Nasty.
No, this this this is art.
This is a yellow warbler drinking out of a daffodil.
She just cannot get enough.
I'm calling it Thirsty Bird.
It's almost done.
Smells like old Easter in here.
I hate cooked yolks.
Well, you won't be finishing Why? What's happening? or annoying the living crap out of me.
Stand up on your goddamn feet, inmate! Do you need to pee? I need to know what's going on.
If there was a hearing, I was entitled to be there.
Are you taking am I going to max? Remember, I asked.
That warbler looks like the yellow Angry Bird.
Please is this about Pennsatucky? Please.
What happened to her? Where are we going? Into this van.
Am I going back to camp? Ask me more questions.
Go ahead.
Shit, you couldn't warm this bitch up first? Not a lot of warning on this one.
Please tell me where we're going.
Are we going back to camp? Just a yes or a no.
- Hey - A head nod? what's up with the Mila Kunis chick from New Year's? Total psycho.
She texted me yesterday, "How about we meet before With a period, not a question mark.
The fuck? Ordering me around.
And she's got that Kunis face, but she does not have that Kunis ass.
And you gotta have that Kunis ass if you're gonna be tellin', not asking.
You got to have the ass.
Can't abide by demanding flat-ass poochies.
- Mmm-mmm.
- Poochies? Can't say "bitches" no more.
It's degrading.
Van nine, you're cleared to go.
- Processing out.
- Processing out? Processing out? Processing out of the SHU? I'm digging the fresh shave.
No? No.
Then what am I processing out of? Come around back.
What am I processing out of? Good luck with it, Chapman.
Is that for me? Okay, these things - These are really tight.
- Yep.
I still have basic human rights.
You cannot put me on a mystery bus in the middle of the night and not tell me where I'm going.
I demand to know where I am being taken! Can't abide demanding poochies.
Get your flat ass on the bus.
Take a seat.
Inmate! Cool it.
He's looking! - So? - So we'll get in trouble.
No one's getting in trouble, Piper.
Last year, Marcy Klein broke her ankle.
She had to get pins in it or something.
Yeah, 'cause she tried to do a herkie on her way out.
Come on, we're all going to Ryan's after.
We're getting close.
You guys ready? Ew, he wears cologne.
It's gross.
If my dad finds out, I'm totally getting grounded.
And if your dad doesn't find out, maybe we'll be invited to Ryan's New Year's Eve party.
Maybe we won't go into next semester being the same lame losers we are now.
I don't have to jump off a bus to prove I'm fun.
I'm fun.
I know that.
Just no one else really does.
Come on.
Here we go.
Have a rad Christmas, Ralph! Go! Hey I understand Nicole and Bojing, but why didn't you jump? I slowed to 5 miles an hour.
It's tradition.
Unnecessary risk.
You're one of those.
My dad says I should have strength of character, not be a lemming.
Hey, daddy's girl, get the door for me, will you? Hey do you know where we're going? Hoping for Mississippi.
What? How can they not tell us where we're going? This is so fucked! Hush it! Oh, I should've peed! Excuse me.
Is there any way that we can stop for a bathroom? Are we getting off? Why do you keep thinking I know what the bus schedule is? I don't know shit same as you.
All the way to the back! It's just that I gotta pee so badly.
They have to let us pee, right? You think I should ask again? Should I ask They ain't gonna let you pee.
No one told you to wear a pee pad? - A what? - A pee pad.
Two maxis stacked so they like a maxi-maxi.
And then you just let out a little at a time.
Now, some people do two down and then one across the front, one across the back like a diaper, but me, I just do a double stack.
Nobody told me.
I've been in seg for the last month.
I'm doin' it right now.
Here we go, ladies.
Exit to the front.
An airplane? We're getting on a fucking airplane? Let's go.
Stick out your tongue.
All right.
Next! Stick out your tongue.
Up.
- Up! - I got a tight lingual frenulum.
I really don't need to know about that.
Stick it up or I'll rip it out.
Come on.
Oh, Christ.
That's not mine.
Fucker.
- Come on.
- Let me go! - Get her covered.
- Let me go! Write up assault and occupational exposure, please.
Next! You're not a spitter, are you? No, sir.
Not hiding anything? Just a very, very full bladder.
Stick out your tongue.
Up.
All right.
Remind me on the plane.
I'll get you to a bathroom.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you for not peeing your pants.
Hey, can you tell me where we're going? Nope.
Next! Let's go.
Today.
Here.
- What was that? - It's normal.
It's her first time on an airplane.
I can't talk.
I gotta pee.
Can't walk and chew gum at the same time? Whatever.
Sit.
Stay.
Sir um - the restroom? - Oh, right.
Let me just get you a female Marshal here.
Sit tight.
No, see, I I've been sitting tight for about five hours.
Please, I'm all good with a male guard.
I'm a Marshal.
Guards work at the beach.
Please don't mention anything that's near a body of water right now.
All right, follow me.
Okay, thank you.
- Where's the - No door.
Let's go.
Ohh.
Everyone's on, sir.
Great, tell the pilots we're running final security check.
Can you, uh kind of hurry it up a bit? I'm going as fast as I can.
Really? 'Cause it sounds a little light.
Better.
In the movies, there's always this thing about oxygen masks.
They come out of the ceiling or somethin'.
Is someone gonna tell us about those? Oh, excuse me.
Polite.
Damn.
Tight.
You must've really pissed off whoever put these on.
I was a demanding poochie.
Do you tell us where we're going or do you guys hand out blindfolds when we land? Oh, a frisky one.
I like that.
Seat belts.
- All clear! - All clear.
- All clear.
- All clear.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it's moving.
We're moving.
This thing must be, like, a bazillion pounds.
How's it gonna fly? You know, I read once that you have a better chance of dying from the food on an airplane than in an actual crash.
Do they serve food on this flight? Won't that make the plane heavier? Close the shade and pretend you're on the subway.
My cousin died in a subway crash.
Okay.
What the fuck? Is she asleep? Boy, I hope so.
Do you think that I should get somebody? No! No, hell, no.
It must be a stress thing.
When I get agitated, I get this really weird eye twitch.
Although it's not happening right now.
I think I've moved beyond stress into something more deeply disturbing.
I got Vaseline.
A friend of mine, she took this flight, and she said it was so long and so dry that her whole face almost cracked open.
- You want some? - No, thanks.
No, I got a whole glob if you want some later.
I don't want any.
I'll take some of that.
It's dry as shit in here.
Come on, help me out.
Here.
Even if I was willing to touch her ear glob and even if I could reach across the aisle with these shackles on and no guard noticing, what makes you think that I could get up underneath that mask and touch your lips? Fuck you then, bitch.
You ain't even willin' to try? Sorry.
Well, this one really thinks shit through, don't she? Shut your ugly face.
No one ever tell you crack kills? Makes me miss when this one was conscious.
Lolly.
- Piper.
- Hey.
Please tell me you know where this plane is going.
Nope.
But if it's got heat and a bed, it's better than where I been.
You do something really bad? Well, it wasn't good.
I did something kind of bad and I was doing my time for it.
Mmm-hmm.
And then I did this, uh I did this other thing.
I did this really, really bad thing and I think maybe I'm going away for it for a long time.
What Did you did you kill somebody? I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, this girl this girl, she was coming after me and she was not gonna stop.
And she is or was She was relentless.
I mean, just crazy.
So so crazy.
And I completely lost it.
I just, uh I just went there and I didn't I didn't even really know that there was a there there.
But, um I don't know if it just grew there recently or if it's always been there, but that really that dark place.
That place that let me just keep on hitting her and hitting her and and, uh hitting her.
I couldn't stop.
I couldn't stop.
Hmm.
That's some shit, man.
Hello, passengers, we wanna thank you for flying with us today.
We know you have a choice in your air travel Kidding! You have no choice at all 'cause you're prisoners our prisoners.
Anyhoo, please note the exit rows located in the middle of the plane.
In the case of a water landing, we strongly suggest you do not try and swim to freedom.
Remember it's winter and hypothermia hurts.
Your seat cushion may be used as a floatation device.
Please make sure your seatbelts are securely fastened.
If the oxygen masks come down, just push them back into the panel above your seat.
We're having some issues with those.
Sit back, relax and enjoy our in-flight entertainment, which is staring off into space.
Piper, will you please take off those stupid glasses? Fine, but stop saying my name.
I'm Zoe.
Call me Zoe.
Okay, Zoe.
Here he comes.
Here you go.
Two tix to Dazed and Confused.
- Have fun.
- Thanks.
What if it's rated R because something really inappropriate happens, something that scars us for life? Will you stop? We've got the tickets.
It's all cool.
Why not try to enjoy it? Oh, my God, my father! Yeah, right.
Quit being such a spaz.
No, seriously, look across the street.
That's my dad! - Oh, shit.
- See? Oh, shit.
Who is that? Maybe the movie will take your mind off it.
I gave the guy 10 extra bucks to buy the tickets for us.
Fuck my shit! - Are we there? - Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
We're somewhere.
How long was I asleep for? I don't know.
I left my watch back with my freedom.
All right, listen up.
New inmates will be joining us.
Remember, there is no touching.
Keep your hands and your feet and your legs and your hair and your face and all your other body parts to yourself.
If you cannot abide by this request, we'll arrange for a nice little spot for you in seg upon your arrival.
You wanna stay out of trouble, just avoid eye-contact.
Settle down, people.
Oh, baby! I think you overshot first class.
Jay? No way! Spongie? Shit, girl, you got picked up? Yeah, fuckin' Robbie.
- Where he at? - Not here.
Gentlemen, sit your asses in your assigned seats.
I got a seat for you, mommy.
Got it all warmed up for you.
You a bad girl, huh? You think the suburbs over there can pop her puss like a sister? Black men get all snow blind.
Don't know how good they got it with a cinnamon queen that knows how to handle her business.
I got plenty for you too, boo.
Mmm-hmm.
Ain't that right, First Class? You can share.
I can make you share.
Eyes front.
Eyes front.
Hold up, hold up.
Let me help you.
Here.
Oh, thank you.
I'm starving.
It's gonna be so weird gettin' fed every day.
I'm probably gonna get fat.
I see mountains! I think we're in the Midwest.
Ain't no mountains in the Midwest, dumbass.
There's plains and corn and a shit ton of white people who don't vote in their best interests.
Excuse me, Carmen Sandiego.
Didn't realize we had a geography expert on board.
Hell, maybe we're going to Vegas, baby.
Marshals, prepare for landing.
Chicago? Now, everyone, turn around and grab your ankles.
I said, turn around and grab your ankles.
If you're feeling shy, I can set you up with a private show and tell in solitary.
Let's get those moons rising, ladies.
Line up! Females walking.
Secure the unit! No talking! Against the wall.
You, you, you, you let's go.
That's me.
You're up here.
Unit A, cell 21, bunk five.
Will I be able to speak with my counselor soon? I haven't been told why I'm here or how long I'm staying.
Have I been resentenced? All I know, unit A, cell 21, bunk five.
Hey! Step off it! - Hey! - Step off what Oh, God! Yeah, you better be prayin' to God about now.
Him, Baby Jesus, Buddha, whoever else might look out for dumbass bitches don't look before they stomp.
I told you to be overly cautious today.
I said you've got to slow down in order to excel.
I told you to quit it with that cosmic voodoo shit.
Yeah, he's dead.
She killed Yoda.
I'm so sorry.
Was Yoda your pet or something? He was our prize, pendeja.
I would be more than happy to replace your prize.
You think it's so simple to replace Yoda? You owe us a motherfucking master, bitch.
Okay, what was he master of? These nuts they train cockroaches to run smokes back and forth to solitary, you know? Most of 'em make it one way, if they're lucky, but Yoda always came back.
He's not coming back this time.
You guys are fucking with me.
Yoda brought in 200 stamps last week.
You owe us a new Yoda or 400 stamps a week.
You said two.
Well, now we sayin' four by week's end.
And so you know, Celi's way of collecting debt has not been approved by the FCC.
It's gotta be at least two inches long but no longer than four.
I'll do my best.
That's right you will.
Poor little Jedi never saw it comin'.
Well, uh we have two bunks available.
Uh, one over Joyce and five's over me.
What are you assigned to? Five thankfully.
Gemini? How did you know? - It's a thing.
- Oh.
What's your birthday? June 7th.
What year? What time were you born? Um, I'm not sure.
Your mom never told you your birth story? I was born in a huge snowstorm in October, which is weird for Michigan.
Muskegon.
I was born at 4:00 in the morning on the dot.
Are there instructions for making the bed? Have you never made a bed before? Oh, I'm sorry, I don't I don't watch a lot of TV.
Are you famous or something? Or You're Lindsay Lohan.
No, I mean for inspection.
I'm Chapman.
Oh! Mazall.
So we spend all day in here together? Except meals and one hour a day rec time and one day a week in the yard.
Otherwise, home sweet home.
"Home sweet home.
" That's dinner.
Keep them blue eyes on the floor, chica.
And don't even bother with the fast ones.
It's the slowbies that train the best.
Are they for real? They're pretty serious about their roaches.
so leave a message after the beep.
Hey, it's me.
It's Piper.
Your name Piper? Yeah.
You know Snazz? No.
Snazzy told me a story once about a girl she used to dance with named Piper.
Said she could blow out candles with her coochie.
Sorry, different Piper.
All right.
Larry, I fucked up.
I really fucked everything up and not in a fun-loving "Oh, that's so Piper" way which I know was growing very old but, um this is serious and I'm I'm not sure it can be made right.
And I'm sorry I'm sorry to have to pull you back into my Tilt-A-Whirl of a life but I need you to call your dad for me and tell him that I'm in the Metropolitan Detention Center in Chicago.
Tell him I need his help.
Please, he's gotta help get me out of here.
You guys will be feeders.
Push the cart in, distribute the trays, push the cart out.
That's it.
Cleaners'll do the rest.
All right, let's keep walking.
You're the key to my peace of mind Cause you make me feel You make me feel You make like a natural woman Woman Hey, white girl, how the search comin'? There are no real contenders yet, but I remain hopeful.
Let me tell you somethin'.
Fucking Feds locked me up here five months now waitin' for trial.
I lost my job, my car.
I'm scraping pennies together to keep my kids in the apartment.
You know where them pennies come from? Yodas gremlins Fred Savage IIIs.
Now Celi over here workin' hard to get Smokie up to speed, but it ain't goin' so well.
So how about, instead of you "remaining hopeful," you go sit in front of that door and start grabbin' what comes under it? I'm just supposed to grab it with my hands? And then what? Deliver.
I mean it.
Get on that floor, make like you one giant, blonde crumb, and grab yourself a fine carachacha now.
Mmm-hmm, that a girl.
Hey can you call your mom? I really need to know your time of birth.
It'll help me figure out how strong your powers of attraction are.
That's mostly for sexual partners not insects.
Mom? A hand would be nice.
Mom, I have to tell you something.
What? Oh, good heavens.
The Neals finally decide to repaint and they choose that color? I've gotta call Barbara.
Wait, Mom? What? I really wanna talk to you about something I saw.
Was it worse than the Neals' puke-green house? Yes.
Well, that's saying something.
What is it, dear? Well, the other day, Sara and I went to the movies at the Suffolk.
- Sara B.
or Sara H.
? - Sara H.
Hmm.
Go on.
I I saw Daddy.
Okay.
He was with someone.
A lady someone.
He kissed her.
What movie did you and Sara H.
see at the Suffolk? Um, Dazed and Confused, but Piper Elizabeth Chapman, you're grounded.
What? That is an R-rated movie and you are not 17, and I did not give you permission to see that movie.
How do you even get tickets? You know, I don't want you hanging around with that Sara H.
She is a bad influence.
Please put away the groceries while I call Barbara.
You know, that color is actually making me feel nauseous.
I feel queasy.
Grab a coat and a hat if you dare.
You're feelin' lucky.
You lookin' for a pet there? Uh No, it's a, uh it's a long story.
Come keep warm with us.
We rotate every five minutes like penguins.
Got someplace else to be? No.
Tina, Birdie, Elaine Toromocho.
- Chapman.
- Hello.
Have a turn in the middle.
Fuckin' penguin daddies are fuckin' men.
Imagine our baby-daddies staying in one spot, no food, taking care of the kids for months all alone in the freezing cold.
No way.
You know emperor penguins are set up for that physiologically speaking.
They have short feathers and an underlayer of woolly down.
I did a report on penguins once.
Uh-huh.
But yeah, fuckin' men.
Piper! - How you holding up? - Eh.
Your voice annoys me.
Keep walking.
Fuck you.
I'm saying hi to my friend.
- She's your friend? - Hey We met on the, uh Yeah, I asked you a yes-or-no question.
Hey, I wouldn't start shit with her if I was you.
She's here 'cause she killed another inmate with her bare hands.
- Huh.
- You did.
So you've been down before, princess? Litchfield.
Knuckled her? Did you get to feel the bones crack? Yes, actually.
So, Piper, what unit you in? Christ you have to take that molest-me-Daddy voice and go someplace else right now.
Fuck you, Menopause.
Fuck you, G.
I.
Jane Doe! Oh, that's what we gonna do now? Oh, we are gonna play.
Fuck off, you piece of shit! You want to get in on me? Get down! Get down, you bitch! Fuck you! Piper! Inmates, up against the wall! Let's go! Piper, help me.
Everybody, line up! Outdoor time is over.
B and C unit, off the roof right now.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Back to your cells.
- Get up against the wall.
- Alex.
Everyone, move.
- Alex! - Up against the wall now! Turn around.
Come on, show's over.
Alex! Move up against the wall.
Don't you mess around here.
You have a Mercury trine Mars, which is a really compelling dynamic.
I'm gonna work your chart and get back to you, okay? Hey! Roaches are usually found on the ground.
I saw someone I know in the yard.
I need to find her.
Uh she might be in another unit.
You know, we we go out with B and C, but we only eat with A.
But we won't be out in the yard for another week.
Do we see any other units at any other times? We have the same rec time, but the gate pretty much keeps us separate.
Hey, did you get a chance to get your birth information? 'Cause Mercury's gonna be in retrograde soon and you really don't wanna get caught with your pants down.
Can I have this? Um That's I need that Hey, hey.
Hey there, First Class.
I need a favor.
They said the fatties would be the ones askin' for an extra tray.
No, I need to get a note to somebody and I'm not sure what unit she's in.
I thought maybe you could, um, pass this to her? What does she look like? Her name is Alex Vause.
What are you willing to give? A kiss? This is important.
I can feel that.
Okay, with my hand? I'm a predator, bitch.
Ain't no fun if you offer.
Well, there's nowhere for you to violently assault me in private here.
So what do you want? Your panties.
They haven't given us new ones yet.
I've been wearing these for four days.
Even better.
I'll be right back.
Alex Vause.
For a girl with a deadline, you sure got a lot of time for socializing with the gun over there.
- This ain't a game.
- Gun? My girl know him from the outside.
He kill people for money.
He's a hitman? Mmm-hmm.
Oh, I thought he was a rapist.
I'm so relieved.
You fuckin' weird.
I need you to tell me what time you were born.
- I don't know.
- Tell me! - A.
M.
or P.
M.
? - A.
M.
Where? Connecticut.
Thank you.
You know, it's surprising you're in prison.
Oh, yeah? Typically, people in prison have been led astray by a powerful force.
That's not in your chart.
Bears and water, but not prison.
You're sure you gave me all the right information? Positive.
All right.
Well, I gotta re-examine this then because there's definitely some shit in your first and 12th houses.
Something askew in your formative years.
Were you led astray by a powerful force? I bit my girlfriend's tongue off and swallowed it.
Well, that was the beginning of the fall.
Pretty straightforward manic rage stuff.
Makes sense.
Aries rising.
Excuse me.
I don't mean to be rude but I gotta go.
I'm liking that hustle! Alex.
Alex.
Alex, what are you doing here? Were you there? Did you see us? She's dead.
I killed her, didn't I? - She's dead.
- Whoa, whoa.
What're you talk - Killed who? What are you talking about? - Pennsatucky.
What? Pennsatucky's not dead.
You fucked her up pretty good but that piece of shit is very much alive.
You know that for sure? I work in the laundry.
Everyday there's a fucking progress report on Tucky.
Pipes, you are many things, murderess is not one of them.
Oh, my God.
I didn't kill her? I didn't kill her? Nope, congratulations.
So, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? For the trial, dumbass.
Trial? What fucking trial? Kubra's.
He's been extradited.
So that means that all of this is only temporary? Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I'm so relieved.
I mean, I knew.
I knew I went a little crazy while I was in the SHU, but, man, coming in here and not knowing but thinking I was really on the brink.
You hate me.
In all of this shit, I forgot that you hate me.
But you're talking to me.
So does this mean you don't hate me anymore? It means that I'm not holding grudges today.
I'm happy to see you.
No touching! Ooh, Alex, get that! - What? - Get that bug! Oh, it's a slow one and it's a big one.
Alex, it's a biggie slow! Come on, it might be Yoda! Jesus Christ! The SHU really did do a number on you.
All right.
I owe my bunkie, who takes four shits a day, yes, four, out in the open, I owe her a cigarette-toting roach or she's gonna sic tattoo face on me.
When is the trial? Now, I guess.
They can call us in any minute.
Listen we cannot say that we knew Kubra.
What? Revenge is part of his business model, okay? Sick, deep revenge.
Disassociate.
You never knew him.
You never fucking met him.
That means lying under oath.
Jesus, it is so hard to keep up with what's black and white with you.
Kubra is never going down for this.
There is no justice, Piper.
Don't you know that by now? So we will lie to protect ourselves or I will and I hope you do, too.
Did you know my dad cheats on my mom? No, how'd you know that? I saw him kiss another woman and then they got in a car together.
Yeah, he's pretty much a big hypocrite.
Oh, big word.
Just learned it.
And then I told my mom and she got mad at me! I got grounded.
Well, now, if you really think about it, could you imagine your mom having any other reaction? - No, not really.
- Mmm.
Are you saying I should've shut up? He's a cheater.
That's wrong! Sometimes it's not a matter of right and wrong.
It's about making a choice that will cause the least amount of pain to others, keeping things to yourself, sitting on information and feelings and living with your secrets.
That sounds horrible.
Oh, it is, dear.
- Um, Grandma? - Yes, Cal? I was trying to launch Whiskers up into outer space and now my room is kind of on fire.
Mmm! Wow Decent coffee runs a close second to what I miss most.
Larry.
Larry is what I miss most.
Larry's a "who," not a "what.
" Look, Piper, I've come here as your lawyer and I think it's best if we just stick to the case.
How was Hanukkah? Is Aunt Joanie still with the talker? Forty-five minutes I heard about diseased cows on dairy farms, the horrors of genetic engineering and the overuse of antibiotics in cattle.
Lesson being, he takes his coffee black.
All right, Kubra Balik the big jewel in your drug ring was extradited from Europe to stand trial.
Prosecution needs to nail down his timeline, they're looking for testimony that helps do that.
Did you ever meet Kubra Balik? It was a confusing time.
I I'm sure, but my question is pretty straightforward.
Did you ever meet Kubra Balik? Yeah.
Yes, I knew him.
In what capacity? Were you aware of his role in the ring? Did you hear him give orders? These are the questions the prosecution's gonna be drilling you on before you testify.
Yes, but what about my safety if I testify? This guy is the real deal.
And from what I've seen on The Sopranos, these types do not take too kindly to those that they consider traitors.
They hire killers with underwear fetishes to take them out.
They've been working on this case for five years, spent hundreds of thousands of dollars.
And I'm sure you, for one, can attest to how little the Feds like to spend money.
Mmm.
Mr.
Balik is a very bad man who's going away for a long, long time.
Lying is not an option.
Do you always tell the truth? Sometimes when they ask if I wanna donate a dollar for heart disease, I'll say I already gave, but mostly, yes, I tell the truth.
Hmm.
Telling the truth wasn't much of a priority in my family.
You know, as long as everybody smiled pretty for the Christmas picture, just lie it up.
I wouldn't carry on your family tradition here.
This is about crime and punishment and justice.
You need to tell the truth.
Yes, of course.
Good.
Let's go meet the prosecutors.
Can I bring my coffee? One and three quarters.
- No good.
- This is bullshit.
I got grilled all day and all night and still I brought back a bug for you.
A prosecutor trapped that between a file and a coffee cup and I carried it back in my bra.
You guys are full of shit.
There's no roach business.
I'm done.
Fuck you.
We heard of what you done back in Litchfield.
Don't think that scares us any.
That's right.
You one.
Me? - Thirteen.
- Mmm.
Chapman you're going to court.
Don't think this gets you off the hook.
We'll be waitin'.
I don't know if I can do it.
What? You know, my lawyer said Kubra's going away no matter what.
Did you not hear everything I said? When you told me that nothing bad was gonna happen? How long have you been holding onto that one? We have got to go in united on this.
It'll be a red flag if you say you knew him and I say I don't.
They'll know that I'm lying.
Maybe we should both just be honest.
This is This is not the time to take some moral high ground.
You know, I only seem to be faced with these extreme moral choices when I am with you.
Exciting, right? Look, I wish I could do this all over again, but I can't, okay? This is the only way I can keep you safe now.
You have to do what I'm telling you.
Or what? We're over? No.
I wanna be your prison wife.
I'm glad you can make jokes.
Alex I need to do the right thing for a change.
I have to.
And truthfully, you you can't keep me safe either way.
Left hand, please.
Raise your right.
Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, - so help you God? - I do.
Thank you.
All right, we can begin.
Will you state your full name for the court, please? Piper Elizabeth Chapman.
Thank you.
Miss Chapman you are currently serving a 15-month sentence in a federal penitentiary for crimes associated with Mr.
Kubra Balik, is that correct? Yes, that's correct.
And when were these crimes committed? Crime.
It was just one crime.
In 2003.
Right.
And can you explain to me how you came to be associated with Mr.
Balik's drug ring? My girlfriend at the time Alex.
Is that Miss Alex Vause? Yes.
Are you two still a couple? No.
But in 2003 how would you describe the relationship? We were together.
She was the love of my life.
And was it Miss Vause who introduced you to Mr.
Balik? I don't recall.
I see.
Someone else made the introduction? I don't recall.
Are you saying you never met Mr.
Balik? Not that I can recall.
Miss Chapman, your girlfriend Miss Vause was one of Mr.
Balik's most profitable traffickers.
Were you aware of that? We didn't discuss her business much.
But you must've been aware of her success.
You you traveled together to Bali, Brussels, Paris, Turkey, Greece all in the span of one year.
We traveled a lot.
And never in that time did she introduce you to her boss, Kubra Balik? Not that I can recall.
Miss Chapman you are aware of the consequences of lying under oath? Yes, of course.
And your responses remain the same? I was there for Alex.
She was what I paid attention to who I paid attention to.
Everything else was just background.
I'm sorry that I can't help you more.
Prosecution has completed examination with this witness.
Since I'm not a half-wit like my son, I don't have to bother asking why you did that.
I guess the possibility of added time or resentencing on new charges just isn't that big a deal for you.
I'm sorry I disappointed you.
Disappointed me? You broke the law again.
I made a decision that I don't expect you to understand.
Well, I'm done.
You live on this slippery slope, kid, and for some reason, you can't seem to stop doing rain dances.
Good luck, honey.
Vause, you let me down.
You were a letdown.
It was 3:00 a.
m.
I think that anything after 2:00, it's like you're not bailing, you're just tired.
But you missed the live sex show.
And the flamingos.
Oh, the flamingos! That's right! There were flamingos.
- Kubra had a front row seat to both.
- Uh-huh.
So much pink.
I think it's time for me to go call my dad.
Oh, tell Bill I said, "Happy birthday.
" You don't exist, remember? That's right.
I'm the invisible woman.
Maybe I should switch careers and become a jewel thief.
Steal me something good.
Yes, all good.
But what about you? How was your day? Oh, it was nice.
Nothing crazy.
Mom and I went out to dinner.
How about you? You're still in Barcelona? No, we're in Paris now.
Oh, that's exciting, honey! But please tell me you're not staying in youth hostels.
- I'm happy to wire you money.
- Don't worry.
Polly has relatives here and they're letting us stay with them.
It's beautiful and it's safe.
It's on the Right Bank.
Better than the wrong bank.
Ha-ha, Dad.
So you're loving it? You girls getting along? Well, I mean, you know how Polly is.
Yesterday she had us scheduled from morning until midnight.
You know if it's late, you need to take a taxi, right? Yes and always walk on the well-lit side of the street and hold onto my wallet and don't jump out of the back of buses.
You taught me everything, Dad.
You're a good girl.
Thanks, Dad.
I gotta go.
Happy birthday, Daddy.
Thanks, baby.
Thanks for calling.
Alex! Alex, I did what you said.
Listen, Piper.
Everything just happened so fast.
What's going on? I had to tell the truth.
- My lawyer said that - Are you kidding? - Piper, you don't understand.
- Are you Are you fucking kidding me? Where are you going? Are you getting out? I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, Piper.
- I'll write you.
I need to explain.
- You're getting out? Wait, what? What the fuck did you do, Alex? What the fuck did you do? Fuck you, Alex! Fuck you!
Up, up, up.
What? I'm up.
On your feet.
I thought I thought that Foley was on duty tonight.
Is it breakfast already? No, but if you're hungry, you can lick yesterday's off the wall.
Nasty.
No, this this this is art.
This is a yellow warbler drinking out of a daffodil.
She just cannot get enough.
I'm calling it Thirsty Bird.
It's almost done.
Smells like old Easter in here.
I hate cooked yolks.
Well, you won't be finishing Why? What's happening? or annoying the living crap out of me.
Stand up on your goddamn feet, inmate! Do you need to pee? I need to know what's going on.
If there was a hearing, I was entitled to be there.
Are you taking am I going to max? Remember, I asked.
That warbler looks like the yellow Angry Bird.
Please is this about Pennsatucky? Please.
What happened to her? Where are we going? Into this van.
Am I going back to camp? Ask me more questions.
Go ahead.
Shit, you couldn't warm this bitch up first? Not a lot of warning on this one.
Please tell me where we're going.
Are we going back to camp? Just a yes or a no.
- Hey - A head nod? what's up with the Mila Kunis chick from New Year's? Total psycho.
She texted me yesterday, "How about we meet before With a period, not a question mark.
The fuck? Ordering me around.
And she's got that Kunis face, but she does not have that Kunis ass.
And you gotta have that Kunis ass if you're gonna be tellin', not asking.
You got to have the ass.
Can't abide by demanding flat-ass poochies.
- Mmm-mmm.
- Poochies? Can't say "bitches" no more.
It's degrading.
Van nine, you're cleared to go.
- Processing out.
- Processing out? Processing out? Processing out of the SHU? I'm digging the fresh shave.
No? No.
Then what am I processing out of? Come around back.
What am I processing out of? Good luck with it, Chapman.
Is that for me? Okay, these things - These are really tight.
- Yep.
I still have basic human rights.
You cannot put me on a mystery bus in the middle of the night and not tell me where I'm going.
I demand to know where I am being taken! Can't abide demanding poochies.
Get your flat ass on the bus.
Take a seat.
Inmate! Cool it.
He's looking! - So? - So we'll get in trouble.
No one's getting in trouble, Piper.
Last year, Marcy Klein broke her ankle.
She had to get pins in it or something.
Yeah, 'cause she tried to do a herkie on her way out.
Come on, we're all going to Ryan's after.
We're getting close.
You guys ready? Ew, he wears cologne.
It's gross.
If my dad finds out, I'm totally getting grounded.
And if your dad doesn't find out, maybe we'll be invited to Ryan's New Year's Eve party.
Maybe we won't go into next semester being the same lame losers we are now.
I don't have to jump off a bus to prove I'm fun.
I'm fun.
I know that.
Just no one else really does.
Come on.
Here we go.
Have a rad Christmas, Ralph! Go! Hey I understand Nicole and Bojing, but why didn't you jump? I slowed to 5 miles an hour.
It's tradition.
Unnecessary risk.
You're one of those.
My dad says I should have strength of character, not be a lemming.
Hey, daddy's girl, get the door for me, will you? Hey do you know where we're going? Hoping for Mississippi.
What? How can they not tell us where we're going? This is so fucked! Hush it! Oh, I should've peed! Excuse me.
Is there any way that we can stop for a bathroom? Are we getting off? Why do you keep thinking I know what the bus schedule is? I don't know shit same as you.
All the way to the back! It's just that I gotta pee so badly.
They have to let us pee, right? You think I should ask again? Should I ask They ain't gonna let you pee.
No one told you to wear a pee pad? - A what? - A pee pad.
Two maxis stacked so they like a maxi-maxi.
And then you just let out a little at a time.
Now, some people do two down and then one across the front, one across the back like a diaper, but me, I just do a double stack.
Nobody told me.
I've been in seg for the last month.
I'm doin' it right now.
Here we go, ladies.
Exit to the front.
An airplane? We're getting on a fucking airplane? Let's go.
Stick out your tongue.
All right.
Next! Stick out your tongue.
Up.
- Up! - I got a tight lingual frenulum.
I really don't need to know about that.
Stick it up or I'll rip it out.
Come on.
Oh, Christ.
That's not mine.
Fucker.
- Come on.
- Let me go! - Get her covered.
- Let me go! Write up assault and occupational exposure, please.
Next! You're not a spitter, are you? No, sir.
Not hiding anything? Just a very, very full bladder.
Stick out your tongue.
Up.
All right.
Remind me on the plane.
I'll get you to a bathroom.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you for not peeing your pants.
Hey, can you tell me where we're going? Nope.
Next! Let's go.
Today.
Here.
- What was that? - It's normal.
It's her first time on an airplane.
I can't talk.
I gotta pee.
Can't walk and chew gum at the same time? Whatever.
Sit.
Stay.
Sir um - the restroom? - Oh, right.
Let me just get you a female Marshal here.
Sit tight.
No, see, I I've been sitting tight for about five hours.
Please, I'm all good with a male guard.
I'm a Marshal.
Guards work at the beach.
Please don't mention anything that's near a body of water right now.
All right, follow me.
Okay, thank you.
- Where's the - No door.
Let's go.
Ohh.
Everyone's on, sir.
Great, tell the pilots we're running final security check.
Can you, uh kind of hurry it up a bit? I'm going as fast as I can.
Really? 'Cause it sounds a little light.
Better.
In the movies, there's always this thing about oxygen masks.
They come out of the ceiling or somethin'.
Is someone gonna tell us about those? Oh, excuse me.
Polite.
Damn.
Tight.
You must've really pissed off whoever put these on.
I was a demanding poochie.
Do you tell us where we're going or do you guys hand out blindfolds when we land? Oh, a frisky one.
I like that.
Seat belts.
- All clear! - All clear.
- All clear.
- All clear.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it's moving.
We're moving.
This thing must be, like, a bazillion pounds.
How's it gonna fly? You know, I read once that you have a better chance of dying from the food on an airplane than in an actual crash.
Do they serve food on this flight? Won't that make the plane heavier? Close the shade and pretend you're on the subway.
My cousin died in a subway crash.
Okay.
What the fuck? Is she asleep? Boy, I hope so.
Do you think that I should get somebody? No! No, hell, no.
It must be a stress thing.
When I get agitated, I get this really weird eye twitch.
Although it's not happening right now.
I think I've moved beyond stress into something more deeply disturbing.
I got Vaseline.
A friend of mine, she took this flight, and she said it was so long and so dry that her whole face almost cracked open.
- You want some? - No, thanks.
No, I got a whole glob if you want some later.
I don't want any.
I'll take some of that.
It's dry as shit in here.
Come on, help me out.
Here.
Even if I was willing to touch her ear glob and even if I could reach across the aisle with these shackles on and no guard noticing, what makes you think that I could get up underneath that mask and touch your lips? Fuck you then, bitch.
You ain't even willin' to try? Sorry.
Well, this one really thinks shit through, don't she? Shut your ugly face.
No one ever tell you crack kills? Makes me miss when this one was conscious.
Lolly.
- Piper.
- Hey.
Please tell me you know where this plane is going.
Nope.
But if it's got heat and a bed, it's better than where I been.
You do something really bad? Well, it wasn't good.
I did something kind of bad and I was doing my time for it.
Mmm-hmm.
And then I did this, uh I did this other thing.
I did this really, really bad thing and I think maybe I'm going away for it for a long time.
What Did you did you kill somebody? I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, this girl this girl, she was coming after me and she was not gonna stop.
And she is or was She was relentless.
I mean, just crazy.
So so crazy.
And I completely lost it.
I just, uh I just went there and I didn't I didn't even really know that there was a there there.
But, um I don't know if it just grew there recently or if it's always been there, but that really that dark place.
That place that let me just keep on hitting her and hitting her and and, uh hitting her.
I couldn't stop.
I couldn't stop.
Hmm.
That's some shit, man.
Hello, passengers, we wanna thank you for flying with us today.
We know you have a choice in your air travel Kidding! You have no choice at all 'cause you're prisoners our prisoners.
Anyhoo, please note the exit rows located in the middle of the plane.
In the case of a water landing, we strongly suggest you do not try and swim to freedom.
Remember it's winter and hypothermia hurts.
Your seat cushion may be used as a floatation device.
Please make sure your seatbelts are securely fastened.
If the oxygen masks come down, just push them back into the panel above your seat.
We're having some issues with those.
Sit back, relax and enjoy our in-flight entertainment, which is staring off into space.
Piper, will you please take off those stupid glasses? Fine, but stop saying my name.
I'm Zoe.
Call me Zoe.
Okay, Zoe.
Here he comes.
Here you go.
Two tix to Dazed and Confused.
- Have fun.
- Thanks.
What if it's rated R because something really inappropriate happens, something that scars us for life? Will you stop? We've got the tickets.
It's all cool.
Why not try to enjoy it? Oh, my God, my father! Yeah, right.
Quit being such a spaz.
No, seriously, look across the street.
That's my dad! - Oh, shit.
- See? Oh, shit.
Who is that? Maybe the movie will take your mind off it.
I gave the guy 10 extra bucks to buy the tickets for us.
Fuck my shit! - Are we there? - Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
We're somewhere.
How long was I asleep for? I don't know.
I left my watch back with my freedom.
All right, listen up.
New inmates will be joining us.
Remember, there is no touching.
Keep your hands and your feet and your legs and your hair and your face and all your other body parts to yourself.
If you cannot abide by this request, we'll arrange for a nice little spot for you in seg upon your arrival.
You wanna stay out of trouble, just avoid eye-contact.
Settle down, people.
Oh, baby! I think you overshot first class.
Jay? No way! Spongie? Shit, girl, you got picked up? Yeah, fuckin' Robbie.
- Where he at? - Not here.
Gentlemen, sit your asses in your assigned seats.
I got a seat for you, mommy.
Got it all warmed up for you.
You a bad girl, huh? You think the suburbs over there can pop her puss like a sister? Black men get all snow blind.
Don't know how good they got it with a cinnamon queen that knows how to handle her business.
I got plenty for you too, boo.
Mmm-hmm.
Ain't that right, First Class? You can share.
I can make you share.
Eyes front.
Eyes front.
Hold up, hold up.
Let me help you.
Here.
Oh, thank you.
I'm starving.
It's gonna be so weird gettin' fed every day.
I'm probably gonna get fat.
I see mountains! I think we're in the Midwest.
Ain't no mountains in the Midwest, dumbass.
There's plains and corn and a shit ton of white people who don't vote in their best interests.
Excuse me, Carmen Sandiego.
Didn't realize we had a geography expert on board.
Hell, maybe we're going to Vegas, baby.
Marshals, prepare for landing.
Chicago? Now, everyone, turn around and grab your ankles.
I said, turn around and grab your ankles.
If you're feeling shy, I can set you up with a private show and tell in solitary.
Let's get those moons rising, ladies.
Line up! Females walking.
Secure the unit! No talking! Against the wall.
You, you, you, you let's go.
That's me.
You're up here.
Unit A, cell 21, bunk five.
Will I be able to speak with my counselor soon? I haven't been told why I'm here or how long I'm staying.
Have I been resentenced? All I know, unit A, cell 21, bunk five.
Hey! Step off it! - Hey! - Step off what Oh, God! Yeah, you better be prayin' to God about now.
Him, Baby Jesus, Buddha, whoever else might look out for dumbass bitches don't look before they stomp.
I told you to be overly cautious today.
I said you've got to slow down in order to excel.
I told you to quit it with that cosmic voodoo shit.
Yeah, he's dead.
She killed Yoda.
I'm so sorry.
Was Yoda your pet or something? He was our prize, pendeja.
I would be more than happy to replace your prize.
You think it's so simple to replace Yoda? You owe us a motherfucking master, bitch.
Okay, what was he master of? These nuts they train cockroaches to run smokes back and forth to solitary, you know? Most of 'em make it one way, if they're lucky, but Yoda always came back.
He's not coming back this time.
You guys are fucking with me.
Yoda brought in 200 stamps last week.
You owe us a new Yoda or 400 stamps a week.
You said two.
Well, now we sayin' four by week's end.
And so you know, Celi's way of collecting debt has not been approved by the FCC.
It's gotta be at least two inches long but no longer than four.
I'll do my best.
That's right you will.
Poor little Jedi never saw it comin'.
Well, uh we have two bunks available.
Uh, one over Joyce and five's over me.
What are you assigned to? Five thankfully.
Gemini? How did you know? - It's a thing.
- Oh.
What's your birthday? June 7th.
What year? What time were you born? Um, I'm not sure.
Your mom never told you your birth story? I was born in a huge snowstorm in October, which is weird for Michigan.
Muskegon.
I was born at 4:00 in the morning on the dot.
Are there instructions for making the bed? Have you never made a bed before? Oh, I'm sorry, I don't I don't watch a lot of TV.
Are you famous or something? Or You're Lindsay Lohan.
No, I mean for inspection.
I'm Chapman.
Oh! Mazall.
So we spend all day in here together? Except meals and one hour a day rec time and one day a week in the yard.
Otherwise, home sweet home.
"Home sweet home.
" That's dinner.
Keep them blue eyes on the floor, chica.
And don't even bother with the fast ones.
It's the slowbies that train the best.
Are they for real? They're pretty serious about their roaches.
so leave a message after the beep.
Hey, it's me.
It's Piper.
Your name Piper? Yeah.
You know Snazz? No.
Snazzy told me a story once about a girl she used to dance with named Piper.
Said she could blow out candles with her coochie.
Sorry, different Piper.
All right.
Larry, I fucked up.
I really fucked everything up and not in a fun-loving "Oh, that's so Piper" way which I know was growing very old but, um this is serious and I'm I'm not sure it can be made right.
And I'm sorry I'm sorry to have to pull you back into my Tilt-A-Whirl of a life but I need you to call your dad for me and tell him that I'm in the Metropolitan Detention Center in Chicago.
Tell him I need his help.
Please, he's gotta help get me out of here.
You guys will be feeders.
Push the cart in, distribute the trays, push the cart out.
That's it.
Cleaners'll do the rest.
All right, let's keep walking.
You're the key to my peace of mind Cause you make me feel You make me feel You make like a natural woman Woman Hey, white girl, how the search comin'? There are no real contenders yet, but I remain hopeful.
Let me tell you somethin'.
Fucking Feds locked me up here five months now waitin' for trial.
I lost my job, my car.
I'm scraping pennies together to keep my kids in the apartment.
You know where them pennies come from? Yodas gremlins Fred Savage IIIs.
Now Celi over here workin' hard to get Smokie up to speed, but it ain't goin' so well.
So how about, instead of you "remaining hopeful," you go sit in front of that door and start grabbin' what comes under it? I'm just supposed to grab it with my hands? And then what? Deliver.
I mean it.
Get on that floor, make like you one giant, blonde crumb, and grab yourself a fine carachacha now.
Mmm-hmm, that a girl.
Hey can you call your mom? I really need to know your time of birth.
It'll help me figure out how strong your powers of attraction are.
That's mostly for sexual partners not insects.
Mom? A hand would be nice.
Mom, I have to tell you something.
What? Oh, good heavens.
The Neals finally decide to repaint and they choose that color? I've gotta call Barbara.
Wait, Mom? What? I really wanna talk to you about something I saw.
Was it worse than the Neals' puke-green house? Yes.
Well, that's saying something.
What is it, dear? Well, the other day, Sara and I went to the movies at the Suffolk.
- Sara B.
or Sara H.
? - Sara H.
Hmm.
Go on.
I I saw Daddy.
Okay.
He was with someone.
A lady someone.
He kissed her.
What movie did you and Sara H.
see at the Suffolk? Um, Dazed and Confused, but Piper Elizabeth Chapman, you're grounded.
What? That is an R-rated movie and you are not 17, and I did not give you permission to see that movie.
How do you even get tickets? You know, I don't want you hanging around with that Sara H.
She is a bad influence.
Please put away the groceries while I call Barbara.
You know, that color is actually making me feel nauseous.
I feel queasy.
Grab a coat and a hat if you dare.
You're feelin' lucky.
You lookin' for a pet there? Uh No, it's a, uh it's a long story.
Come keep warm with us.
We rotate every five minutes like penguins.
Got someplace else to be? No.
Tina, Birdie, Elaine Toromocho.
- Chapman.
- Hello.
Have a turn in the middle.
Fuckin' penguin daddies are fuckin' men.
Imagine our baby-daddies staying in one spot, no food, taking care of the kids for months all alone in the freezing cold.
No way.
You know emperor penguins are set up for that physiologically speaking.
They have short feathers and an underlayer of woolly down.
I did a report on penguins once.
Uh-huh.
But yeah, fuckin' men.
Piper! - How you holding up? - Eh.
Your voice annoys me.
Keep walking.
Fuck you.
I'm saying hi to my friend.
- She's your friend? - Hey We met on the, uh Yeah, I asked you a yes-or-no question.
Hey, I wouldn't start shit with her if I was you.
She's here 'cause she killed another inmate with her bare hands.
- Huh.
- You did.
So you've been down before, princess? Litchfield.
Knuckled her? Did you get to feel the bones crack? Yes, actually.
So, Piper, what unit you in? Christ you have to take that molest-me-Daddy voice and go someplace else right now.
Fuck you, Menopause.
Fuck you, G.
I.
Jane Doe! Oh, that's what we gonna do now? Oh, we are gonna play.
Fuck off, you piece of shit! You want to get in on me? Get down! Get down, you bitch! Fuck you! Piper! Inmates, up against the wall! Let's go! Piper, help me.
Everybody, line up! Outdoor time is over.
B and C unit, off the roof right now.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Back to your cells.
- Get up against the wall.
- Alex.
Everyone, move.
- Alex! - Up against the wall now! Turn around.
Come on, show's over.
Alex! Move up against the wall.
Don't you mess around here.
You have a Mercury trine Mars, which is a really compelling dynamic.
I'm gonna work your chart and get back to you, okay? Hey! Roaches are usually found on the ground.
I saw someone I know in the yard.
I need to find her.
Uh she might be in another unit.
You know, we we go out with B and C, but we only eat with A.
But we won't be out in the yard for another week.
Do we see any other units at any other times? We have the same rec time, but the gate pretty much keeps us separate.
Hey, did you get a chance to get your birth information? 'Cause Mercury's gonna be in retrograde soon and you really don't wanna get caught with your pants down.
Can I have this? Um That's I need that Hey, hey.
Hey there, First Class.
I need a favor.
They said the fatties would be the ones askin' for an extra tray.
No, I need to get a note to somebody and I'm not sure what unit she's in.
I thought maybe you could, um, pass this to her? What does she look like? Her name is Alex Vause.
What are you willing to give? A kiss? This is important.
I can feel that.
Okay, with my hand? I'm a predator, bitch.
Ain't no fun if you offer.
Well, there's nowhere for you to violently assault me in private here.
So what do you want? Your panties.
They haven't given us new ones yet.
I've been wearing these for four days.
Even better.
I'll be right back.
Alex Vause.
For a girl with a deadline, you sure got a lot of time for socializing with the gun over there.
- This ain't a game.
- Gun? My girl know him from the outside.
He kill people for money.
He's a hitman? Mmm-hmm.
Oh, I thought he was a rapist.
I'm so relieved.
You fuckin' weird.
I need you to tell me what time you were born.
- I don't know.
- Tell me! - A.
M.
or P.
M.
? - A.
M.
Where? Connecticut.
Thank you.
You know, it's surprising you're in prison.
Oh, yeah? Typically, people in prison have been led astray by a powerful force.
That's not in your chart.
Bears and water, but not prison.
You're sure you gave me all the right information? Positive.
All right.
Well, I gotta re-examine this then because there's definitely some shit in your first and 12th houses.
Something askew in your formative years.
Were you led astray by a powerful force? I bit my girlfriend's tongue off and swallowed it.
Well, that was the beginning of the fall.
Pretty straightforward manic rage stuff.
Makes sense.
Aries rising.
Excuse me.
I don't mean to be rude but I gotta go.
I'm liking that hustle! Alex.
Alex.
Alex, what are you doing here? Were you there? Did you see us? She's dead.
I killed her, didn't I? - She's dead.
- Whoa, whoa.
What're you talk - Killed who? What are you talking about? - Pennsatucky.
What? Pennsatucky's not dead.
You fucked her up pretty good but that piece of shit is very much alive.
You know that for sure? I work in the laundry.
Everyday there's a fucking progress report on Tucky.
Pipes, you are many things, murderess is not one of them.
Oh, my God.
I didn't kill her? I didn't kill her? Nope, congratulations.
So, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? For the trial, dumbass.
Trial? What fucking trial? Kubra's.
He's been extradited.
So that means that all of this is only temporary? Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I'm so relieved.
I mean, I knew.
I knew I went a little crazy while I was in the SHU, but, man, coming in here and not knowing but thinking I was really on the brink.
You hate me.
In all of this shit, I forgot that you hate me.
But you're talking to me.
So does this mean you don't hate me anymore? It means that I'm not holding grudges today.
I'm happy to see you.
No touching! Ooh, Alex, get that! - What? - Get that bug! Oh, it's a slow one and it's a big one.
Alex, it's a biggie slow! Come on, it might be Yoda! Jesus Christ! The SHU really did do a number on you.
All right.
I owe my bunkie, who takes four shits a day, yes, four, out in the open, I owe her a cigarette-toting roach or she's gonna sic tattoo face on me.
When is the trial? Now, I guess.
They can call us in any minute.
Listen we cannot say that we knew Kubra.
What? Revenge is part of his business model, okay? Sick, deep revenge.
Disassociate.
You never knew him.
You never fucking met him.
That means lying under oath.
Jesus, it is so hard to keep up with what's black and white with you.
Kubra is never going down for this.
There is no justice, Piper.
Don't you know that by now? So we will lie to protect ourselves or I will and I hope you do, too.
Did you know my dad cheats on my mom? No, how'd you know that? I saw him kiss another woman and then they got in a car together.
Yeah, he's pretty much a big hypocrite.
Oh, big word.
Just learned it.
And then I told my mom and she got mad at me! I got grounded.
Well, now, if you really think about it, could you imagine your mom having any other reaction? - No, not really.
- Mmm.
Are you saying I should've shut up? He's a cheater.
That's wrong! Sometimes it's not a matter of right and wrong.
It's about making a choice that will cause the least amount of pain to others, keeping things to yourself, sitting on information and feelings and living with your secrets.
That sounds horrible.
Oh, it is, dear.
- Um, Grandma? - Yes, Cal? I was trying to launch Whiskers up into outer space and now my room is kind of on fire.
Mmm! Wow Decent coffee runs a close second to what I miss most.
Larry.
Larry is what I miss most.
Larry's a "who," not a "what.
" Look, Piper, I've come here as your lawyer and I think it's best if we just stick to the case.
How was Hanukkah? Is Aunt Joanie still with the talker? Forty-five minutes I heard about diseased cows on dairy farms, the horrors of genetic engineering and the overuse of antibiotics in cattle.
Lesson being, he takes his coffee black.
All right, Kubra Balik the big jewel in your drug ring was extradited from Europe to stand trial.
Prosecution needs to nail down his timeline, they're looking for testimony that helps do that.
Did you ever meet Kubra Balik? It was a confusing time.
I I'm sure, but my question is pretty straightforward.
Did you ever meet Kubra Balik? Yeah.
Yes, I knew him.
In what capacity? Were you aware of his role in the ring? Did you hear him give orders? These are the questions the prosecution's gonna be drilling you on before you testify.
Yes, but what about my safety if I testify? This guy is the real deal.
And from what I've seen on The Sopranos, these types do not take too kindly to those that they consider traitors.
They hire killers with underwear fetishes to take them out.
They've been working on this case for five years, spent hundreds of thousands of dollars.
And I'm sure you, for one, can attest to how little the Feds like to spend money.
Mmm.
Mr.
Balik is a very bad man who's going away for a long, long time.
Lying is not an option.
Do you always tell the truth? Sometimes when they ask if I wanna donate a dollar for heart disease, I'll say I already gave, but mostly, yes, I tell the truth.
Hmm.
Telling the truth wasn't much of a priority in my family.
You know, as long as everybody smiled pretty for the Christmas picture, just lie it up.
I wouldn't carry on your family tradition here.
This is about crime and punishment and justice.
You need to tell the truth.
Yes, of course.
Good.
Let's go meet the prosecutors.
Can I bring my coffee? One and three quarters.
- No good.
- This is bullshit.
I got grilled all day and all night and still I brought back a bug for you.
A prosecutor trapped that between a file and a coffee cup and I carried it back in my bra.
You guys are full of shit.
There's no roach business.
I'm done.
Fuck you.
We heard of what you done back in Litchfield.
Don't think that scares us any.
That's right.
You one.
Me? - Thirteen.
- Mmm.
Chapman you're going to court.
Don't think this gets you off the hook.
We'll be waitin'.
I don't know if I can do it.
What? You know, my lawyer said Kubra's going away no matter what.
Did you not hear everything I said? When you told me that nothing bad was gonna happen? How long have you been holding onto that one? We have got to go in united on this.
It'll be a red flag if you say you knew him and I say I don't.
They'll know that I'm lying.
Maybe we should both just be honest.
This is This is not the time to take some moral high ground.
You know, I only seem to be faced with these extreme moral choices when I am with you.
Exciting, right? Look, I wish I could do this all over again, but I can't, okay? This is the only way I can keep you safe now.
You have to do what I'm telling you.
Or what? We're over? No.
I wanna be your prison wife.
I'm glad you can make jokes.
Alex I need to do the right thing for a change.
I have to.
And truthfully, you you can't keep me safe either way.
Left hand, please.
Raise your right.
Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, - so help you God? - I do.
Thank you.
All right, we can begin.
Will you state your full name for the court, please? Piper Elizabeth Chapman.
Thank you.
Miss Chapman you are currently serving a 15-month sentence in a federal penitentiary for crimes associated with Mr.
Kubra Balik, is that correct? Yes, that's correct.
And when were these crimes committed? Crime.
It was just one crime.
In 2003.
Right.
And can you explain to me how you came to be associated with Mr.
Balik's drug ring? My girlfriend at the time Alex.
Is that Miss Alex Vause? Yes.
Are you two still a couple? No.
But in 2003 how would you describe the relationship? We were together.
She was the love of my life.
And was it Miss Vause who introduced you to Mr.
Balik? I don't recall.
I see.
Someone else made the introduction? I don't recall.
Are you saying you never met Mr.
Balik? Not that I can recall.
Miss Chapman, your girlfriend Miss Vause was one of Mr.
Balik's most profitable traffickers.
Were you aware of that? We didn't discuss her business much.
But you must've been aware of her success.
You you traveled together to Bali, Brussels, Paris, Turkey, Greece all in the span of one year.
We traveled a lot.
And never in that time did she introduce you to her boss, Kubra Balik? Not that I can recall.
Miss Chapman you are aware of the consequences of lying under oath? Yes, of course.
And your responses remain the same? I was there for Alex.
She was what I paid attention to who I paid attention to.
Everything else was just background.
I'm sorry that I can't help you more.
Prosecution has completed examination with this witness.
Since I'm not a half-wit like my son, I don't have to bother asking why you did that.
I guess the possibility of added time or resentencing on new charges just isn't that big a deal for you.
I'm sorry I disappointed you.
Disappointed me? You broke the law again.
I made a decision that I don't expect you to understand.
Well, I'm done.
You live on this slippery slope, kid, and for some reason, you can't seem to stop doing rain dances.
Good luck, honey.
Vause, you let me down.
You were a letdown.
It was 3:00 a.
m.
I think that anything after 2:00, it's like you're not bailing, you're just tired.
But you missed the live sex show.
And the flamingos.
Oh, the flamingos! That's right! There were flamingos.
- Kubra had a front row seat to both.
- Uh-huh.
So much pink.
I think it's time for me to go call my dad.
Oh, tell Bill I said, "Happy birthday.
" You don't exist, remember? That's right.
I'm the invisible woman.
Maybe I should switch careers and become a jewel thief.
Steal me something good.
Yes, all good.
But what about you? How was your day? Oh, it was nice.
Nothing crazy.
Mom and I went out to dinner.
How about you? You're still in Barcelona? No, we're in Paris now.
Oh, that's exciting, honey! But please tell me you're not staying in youth hostels.
- I'm happy to wire you money.
- Don't worry.
Polly has relatives here and they're letting us stay with them.
It's beautiful and it's safe.
It's on the Right Bank.
Better than the wrong bank.
Ha-ha, Dad.
So you're loving it? You girls getting along? Well, I mean, you know how Polly is.
Yesterday she had us scheduled from morning until midnight.
You know if it's late, you need to take a taxi, right? Yes and always walk on the well-lit side of the street and hold onto my wallet and don't jump out of the back of buses.
You taught me everything, Dad.
You're a good girl.
Thanks, Dad.
I gotta go.
Happy birthday, Daddy.
Thanks, baby.
Thanks for calling.
Alex! Alex, I did what you said.
Listen, Piper.
Everything just happened so fast.
What's going on? I had to tell the truth.
- My lawyer said that - Are you kidding? - Piper, you don't understand.
- Are you Are you fucking kidding me? Where are you going? Are you getting out? I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, Piper.
- I'll write you.
I need to explain.
- You're getting out? Wait, what? What the fuck did you do, Alex? What the fuck did you do? Fuck you, Alex! Fuck you!