Our Cartoon President (2017) s02e01 Episode Script
Trump Tower-Moscow
1 ANNOUNCER: This is an NBC News special report.
I'm Chuck Todd, and no one remembers hiring me.
The New York Times has obtained ten years of figures from President Trump's tax returns, and for many of those years, he lost more money than any person in America.
The White House insists this is fake news.
And the President is going about his normal day.
I was worried the day would come when everyone would find out that I was the worst businessman in history, but now that it's here, it's not so b-a-a-a-a-agh! Who am I kidding, Rudy?! I'm so frickin' embarrassed! Be honest.
Do you think being exposed as a broke fraud will affect people's perception that I'm not a broke fraud? Don't get so worked up.
Everyone's public persona is a little different than who they are.
But d-did you know that Johnny Carson was actually really shy? [VOMITS.]
Fascinating, but not the same.
We gotta get out of this news cycle.
I need you to FaceTime Brian Williams, and I'm gonna show him my junk! [VOMITS.]
Oh, great.
There goes $300 in oysters! This is like that dream where you show up to class and you're wearing a shirt that says "I'm the worst businessman in the world!" Hey! Hey! Look me in my weird dog bottom teeth! You are the most powerful person in the world, and no one can take that away from you! Vice President Joe Biden's poll numbers are surging well ahead of Trump in states across the country I'm sure it's just the blue states.
including Texas.
- [VOMITS.]
- There it is.
Let it out.
Hey! You don't need to be president! You're rich! - Oh, wait.
Never mind.
- [VOMITS.]
Here was Biden earlier today somewhere.
Voters are getting behind my inspiring message.
If you elect me president, Trump won't be president! That's a good campaign slogan.
Maybe we can steal it! I just gotta not say anything dumb for 18 months.
All right.
Let's get some questions.
You there with the religious hat! And it's not just Joe Biden.
Every other Democratic candidate is beating Jonald Donald Trump.
Even Pete Buttigieg, who is the Chuck Todd of the candidates.
[SNEEZES.]
And maybe the worst news for President Trump the democrats are firming up a date for Robert Mueller to testify.
- Get your popcorn.
- Hey! Look at you! You heard all that news, and you haven't barfed yet! Here it comes! [VOMITS.]
Ahh! Morning routine complete.
Rudy, today's gonna be a great day! Don't listen to Mueller.
I've never been on this show! Ahh, another day in heaven, working for fat dad.
This is the best and first job I've ever had! Shut up! He's coming! I'm gonna shit! - Daddy! - Dad! Hey, kids.
I made you breakfast this morning.
- Yes! - Yeah! Relax.
It's just a figure of speech.
Good news, Daddy! I kept my mouth shut on another divisive issue! And my analytics are going freakin' nuts for this photo of me holding a rifle inside a fish's mouth.
And I just found out there's a cool skeleton inside of me! Look at us me in this big chair, you guys over there, a million-man militia ready to tear this country in two as soon as I say, "Charge.
" What more could we want? Dad, that Mueller report stirred up some old feelings for Trump Tower Moscow, huh? [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS.]
I'm perfectly happy where I am in this drafty house full of people who make me read.
Besides, it's not like someone else wants to build there.
Someone else wants to build there! I'm Wolf Blitzer, and erotic hypnotists never choose me as the volunteer.
Vladimir Putin has sold the land reserved for Trump Tower Moscow to Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, a man whose head shot and dick pic are indistinguishable to the human eye.
I'm excited to work with Putin, even though we have very little in common.
He's an oppressive autocrat, and I'm just a cool boss who improves productivity by making workers piss and shit themselves.
Whatever.
I'm so over it.
Idiot liar! I almost built a gorgeous tower with a murderous dictator.
You never get over it.
Yeah, like my wife and kids after I left them for a background actress hoping for her big break at 38.
Not happening.
You want to build Trump Tower Moscow? I mean, why not just burst into Robert Mueller's office and shout, "I want a do-over"? Relax.
I'm in a good place, and to prove it, I will lovingly remember my time with the Tower once more.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: It all started in 2015 when I first laid eyes on her.
I'm sorry.
You're such a klutz.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Ahh.
I knew right then I had to have it, no matter how many laws I need to break or times Robert De Niro would call me the C-word on the Kids' Choice Awards.
I signed a letter of intent the next day.
We were going to be together forever.
Then something terrible happened.
MAN: Donald Trump has been elected President of the United States.
Hey.
Uh, have you seen the plans for Trump Tower Moscow? We're going to spend the weekend together at Bear Mountain! Forget that building.
You just scored with a building way older and squatter.
The White House! But that's impossible! I said John McCain wasn't a war hero! I-I accused a reporter of menstruating on the job! I told everyone how big and strong my hog was! I spent an entire debate just kind of lurking behind my opponent! [SOBBING.]
Just let him cry it out.
Uh, Pompeo, what's going on at, uh, State? I talked to the Turks over - over the weekend.
- Pompeo, you bastard! - There's a man in pain over here! - And they've agreed to hold off on any engagement with the Kurds - for the next 90 days.
- I wanna die! - Don't you understand?! - The Turks have made it clear that WOMAN: We're on in five! Nancy, we've done it.
We've proven all the doubters wrong.
I can't believe we have the majority in the House.
And the minority in the Senate, which is even more powerful than the majority.
And now for our biggest achievement yet an interview with the crimson goatee himself, Chuck Todd! [COUGHS.]
My name is Chuck Todd, and I look like it.
We're joined this Sunday by, uh, Speaker Pelosi and Leader Schumer, who have requested the audience genuflect before them.
Okay.
First and only question.
Are you friends with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and, i-if so, what is she like? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Ahhhhh Sir, is everything okay? You're sighing so loud, Karen can't hear herself search for gay fingerprints.
They were here! The scented hand soap is below the line I drew on the dispenser! I've never fallen for anything or anyone like I did for Trump Tower Moscow.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Oh, no.
I'm so jealous.
Maybe it'd be better to make it work with this stable, stocky White House.
Yeah.
I guess you're right.
It has its quirks, but at least it was built by slaves.
There ya go! The corporate tax rate may be 21%, but corporations never pay that, honey! She gets way more attention than us, and she hasn't passed one bill that weakens teachers' unions! After we won Congress, I assumed the youths would worship us for the rest of their hopeless, debt-ridden lives.
Clearly, the kids are responding to something AOC has that we don't.
BOTH: A microwave! Nancy, have you ever microwaved before? - What am I a chef?! - All right.
You press "record," and I'll just start pushing stuff.
[SIRENS WAILING, HORNS BLARING.]
Are we viral? Nancy, we need to see the one person in this town who knows how to use a microwave Ocasio-Cortez.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Pence is right.
I don't need a hotel with 80 Russian hookers roaming the hallways.
I get to live at 1600 Washington Avenue.
- Rah! Ahh! - Don, what are you doing?! Those were Dolley Madison's plates! I was gonna sell those! I'm sick of this! Dad, you're my best friend.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Shut up! - Stop it! - You're my best Stop it! I'm gonna get the hiccups! friend.
But in six years, if you're still wasting your life in some crappy White House instead of pursuing the tower of your dreams, I will kick your ass! [PLATE SHATTERS.]
You're right, Don.
- [DON SCREAMING.]
- I loved that tower.
Far across the sea In the motherland Was my Trump Tower Moscow A legitimate Venture of my brand My sweet Trump Tower Moscow Moscow Moscow Moscow Right behind those golden doors Is the best hotel you've ever seen Step onto those linoleum floors Covered with faux marbling And the lady at the counter typing way too loud Hands you your two room keys Giving you the ticket To world-class amenities Like a fitness room With a stationary bike And an ice machine Making tap-water ice And a restaurant That's really nice And a mini bar With 12-dollar Sprites And a business center With fluorescent lights And a restaurant That's really nice Really nice It would have been my Trump Tower But now I'm in power Was my Trump Tower Moscow All those in favor of funding Trump Tower Moscow, say, "Aye," except Susan Collins, which is a given.
Hey! That's true! Those who oppose? - No! - Are you fucking insane?! The "are you fucking insanes" have it.
You guys are jerks! I'm gonna get my Russian hotel built because I know, in my bones, it's what the American people want! Last night, your approval rating went through a slight 25-point adjustment.
Bill Shine, I told you that tie was a loser! Sir, I used to handle the settlements at Fox News.
If it's money you desire, just accuse me of sexually harassing you.
I'll take out my checkbook.
We'll settle this right here.
Ahh, money's great.
It's just that every time I close my eyes, I picture myself with that tower.
Two point five little towers running around.
Every Christmas, we stand around the piano singing tower songs.
We raise them half-tower, half-human.
Sure, it's gonna be tough, but we're family.
Let's get that feel-good nonsense in front of the American people.
First up, your most pitiful sycophants.
Three white people on a couch It's Fox & Friends Your grandkids don't speak to you, but you've still got Fox & Friends! We flipped on the lights this mornin', and the President of the United States was already sitting here! Please explain to the dumb-dumbs why we need to build a Trump Tower on Russian soil.
Democrats act like they care so much about foreigners, but what about all those Russian oligarchs unable to soak in a one-jet, teacup Jacuzzi with knobs that squeak like dolphins? - Aww! - You're not dreamin', folks.
The President's here, and we're talkin' dolphins.
[MUZAK PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
- AOC! - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez! Aah! Oh.
I thought you two died.
The microwave parts missed every artery.
Let's get to why we're all here.
For some reason, the youths don't realize we're the coolest cats in cat town.
Me-ow! We need your help getting the word out.
Can we pick your brain over dinner? How does 4:45 work for you? Ohh, I don't think I can make it because my entire political appeal is based on never, ever being seen with you two.
What's it gonna take? How about gold nail clippers Jerry Nadler gave me at last year's Christmas party? Lightly used every day.
Don't do it, Chuck! Maybe get off your rich, bony asses and create a commission for my Green New Deal, honey! - Done.
- Oh, thank God.
I thought I was gonna have to give up those nail clippers! If there's a hell, I'm pretty sure we're gonna go.
Oh, Jesus.
Enough with the hell talk, Eric.
Everything's gonna be fine, after Giuliani turns in another flawless performance.
Isn't this hotel an obvious scam designed to enrich the President? D-D-D-D I'm gonna stop you right there, Chuck.
If anything, it would be illegal for the President not to build Trump Tower Moscow.
Sure, he's gonna make a buck, but he has to run a building.
He's got some hairy Olaf guy calling him at 3 a.
m.
saying the pipes are banging.
Donald's gotta climb 80 floors in sweatpants, rip down the plaster, take out his big, goofy flashlight, act like he knows what he's doing.
He doesn't know what he's doing! - [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- Oh, Donald's calling.
Hold on.
- What are you doing?! - What did I say? - Wow.
Ok Rings a bell.
- fucking asshole! Ahh, you're kidding me.
All right.
Let me tr Okay.
I'll try.
I'll try.
Okay.
All right.
Let me get back to what I said about I forgot.
Hold on.
Let me call him back.
- SCHUMER: Is it on? - PELOSI: Is it working? Hello, constituents.
Join the new "I'm with Blue, how about you?" campaign to urge Democrats to drop the fight for a livable minimum wage.
OCASIO-CORTEZ: Okay.
No, honey, let's cut.
We didn't get to announce which donor tier gets an XL Monsanto shirt! Low-key, people are tired of scripted, focus-grouped messages.
They want passionate leaders.
Great.
Which passions are polling the best? Forget it.
I gotta go to Senator Dick Durbin's party.
It's gonna be lit! [GASPS.]
Chuck! We weren't invited to the Durbin Derby! But I kept that secret about him using the Congressional blow dryer on his bean bag! Alexandria, wait! We can do this.
Sir, we've tried everything to convince the country to build your wacky hotel, including releasing a limited-edition Trump Tower Moscow Man cereal.
Unfortunately, it tasted like bricks.
Have you considered just declaring another national emergency? How dare you suggest such a thing! I learned my lesson and will never again violate my sacred duty to the Constitu I'm kidding.
It's done.
What's for lunch? PRESIDENT TRUMP: I requested a joint session of Congress because I supposedly negotiated a two-state solution between Israel and Palestine.
The truth is, I've done nothing of the sort.
Yay! Fight! Fight! Fight! Yay! Actually, I'm just letting you know that because you guys are being such jerks about it, I'm declaring a national emergency to build Trump Tower Moscow! CONGRESS: Boo! Come on.
You love it.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
We're here with my squad.
There's the OG, Chuck Schumer Mr.
Cool! and Queen Nancy Pelosi! Fancy Nancy! And we think that before we build hotels in Moscow, we need to focus on a Green New Deal, honey! Yes, and how will we pay for it? You guys know the dealio.
Massive tax increases on the wealthy! Yo, honey! Okurrr! Wow! It's so easy declaring a national emergency! I might do another one tomorrow.
Depends what's on TV.
Anyway, let's break ground before this Bezos guy starts mowing my lawn.
Oh, bad news, kiddo.
I just found this pesky regulation in the NATO charter that says you can't build here unless you pull out of NATO, of course.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
It's in the really long and boring part.
Ugh! That sounds really long and boring.
Problem is, everything everyone says I can't do, I do, and everyone's like, "Fine.
Whatever.
" But pulling out of NATO is the one thing everyone's like, "No, that one you really can't do.
" Aww.
Too bad.
Hey! Uh, Trump's too much of a wuss! - Bezos, it's a go! - Fantastic! My distribution center is gonna have 50 floors, one bathroom, and a really nice restaurant.
Hey! Making the restaurant really nice was my idea! H-How do I pull out of NATO? I don't have an Allen wrench, FYI, if that's a part of it.
[BOTH SNORING.]
- Ahh - Ohh Aah! Free college! Chuck, wake up! What happened last night? I had this dream we promised to do some stuff that would require a political spine.
Your housekeepers are probably just poisoning you.
It happens to all of us eventually.
Well, should we head outside and joylessly pursue our modest goals? After you, my hack.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
- WOMAN: We love you, Nancy! - MAN: We Stan you, Chuck! - [CROWD CHANTING.]
Eat the rich! - "Eat the rich"? What the hell are these people talking about?! AOC! That bitch! Just want to thank you all for supporting my emergency declaration.
ALL: Ehh And I was thinking, what better way to celebrate - than to pull out of NATO? - ALL: Whoa! Pulling out of NATO is nuts! And that's coming from someone who sleeps upside down in a coffin.
I sleep on my side, and my wife says that sometimes I snore.
Pompeo, just because people are talking doesn't mean you have to talk, too.
Sir, an international conspiracy between autocratic populists is a two-way street.
I see you doing things for Putin, but what has he done for you? He does things for America all the time.
Moana.
Yeah, I think he did that.
The supermoon was his.
You're just jealous.
My wife gets jealous when I spend too much time watching the ballgame.
She hates you, Pompeo! Everyone does! You're like if curdled milk grew a mouth and couldn't all the way zip his pants.
Good point, @PikaChoomGang87.
We can't prepare for climate refugees until we abolish ICE.
Hold that thought.
AOC needs a pizza bagel.
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
You ruined us! Now our donors think we're some kind of liberals! Do you know how many bags of Monsanto fertilizer I'm gonna have to chug to get my calls returned?! You do realize that just because you cracked the screen doesn't mean that you broke the camera.
So all this is 'Gramming out? OCASIO-CORTEZ: Say hi to two million people who got into politics maybe five months ago! Can you believe my Cabinet thinks you're using me? Look, you don't need a Cabinet.
Okay? That settles that.
Okay, so, for the Trump Tower Lobby, I'm thinking some gold, maybe a front desk with a lady.
Ahh, forget about the stupid tower.
You need to focus on pulling out of NATO.
Back up! Did you just call the tower stupid? Trump, I love you, but if you don't pull out of NATO, this is not going to work.
- No.
You hang up fir - [LINE CLICKS, DIAL TONE.]
God damn it! No one say a friggin' word! I called an emergency joint session to say I didn't want that tower in the first place! I'm perfectly happy as [SOBBING.]
president.
I don't need portraits of beaches in the lobby, a pool with eye-hurting water, one person at the front desk who isn't waiting on anybody, but you can't talk to them because they're looking down at something! [GLASS SHATTERS.]
[SOBS.]
It hurts so bad! I'm still gonna support him, but just out of pity.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP SOBBING.]
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
Nom-nom-nom-nom! You're too good for that tower, sir.
You need to get back out there and build another monstrosity, maybe a detention center or a self-sealing cube for menstruating women.
I'm just worried that I let my soulmate get away.
[BELCHES.]
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO.]
PELOSI: We're in a pickle, Chuck.
If we act like ourselves, we're despised, but if we act like AOC, we're popular.
What do we do?! [SIGHS.]
Let's just become Republicans.
Ah, we couldn't live with ourselves if we got stuff done.
You're right.
You know what? We should open a travel agency! No one uses travel agents anymore.
Exactly! We'd be the only ones out there! But no one uses them! That's why they don't exist! I know! That's the point! [WHISTLING.]
Someone's got the sillies.
What got into you? I had a great idea last night.
What if we build Trump Tower Moscow in Rio, Brazil, baby?! Dad, that sounds awesome, but the only place you're building Trump Tower Moscow Rio is in Moscow.
Why? Because you're still hung up on that hot-ass hotel.
I'm so not.
Then why did I find this under your bed next to blueprints for something called Pizza Car? Ever since you launched your campaign, the Democrats, Robert Mueller, everyone on Earth has been trying to figure out why you kiss Russia's ass, as if it's something more complicated than it is.
What is it? Love of a shit ton of money.
But the tower's moved on with Jeff Bezos.
A lot of towers would love your name on them.
That I know.
But sometimes the tower that you were meant for was right in front of you all along in Moscow.
Now go to it.
If we hold a vote on AOC's Green New Deal, we'll get disinvited from Exxon's Christmas party.
Pitbull was there last year.
Pitbull! Maybe this is the only copy.
Throw it in the microwave.
[BEEPING.]
You know, I once heard the next generation is looking for passionate leaders.
Maybe the only way to keep power is to get out there and fight for what we're told is right! Oh, boy.
Nadler's gonna take his clippers back, isn't he? It's called courage, Chuck.
I'm flying to Moscow and telling that tower how I feel, but, first, I'm gonna watch a quick eight - straight hours of TV.
- Ass yeah! [GOOFY MUSIC PLAYS ON TV.]
Dad! Jeff Bezos is breaking ground on his Moscow distribution center in 12 hours! The flight is nine hours! I'll never make it in time! - Aww, man.
- Ugh! Aww! Wait! You can watch TV on the plane! Eric, you're a genius! OCASIO-CORTEZ: Madam Speaker, I urge you to bring House Resolution 1878, the establishment of a Green New Deal Commission, to the floor.
And to co-sponsor this bill, I brought with me today Queer Eye sensation Jonathan Van Ness! I'm talking less greenhouse gases, more renewable energy.
I'm talking a 40%-to-60% reduction in emissions from 2010 levels by 2030, honey! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [DING!.]
- I'll be okay.
This nation's greatest accomplishments were the result of leaders soberly pursuing reasonable goals.
Like when Martin Luther King Jr.
stood on the steps and said those inspiring words, "I have a dream, but it will never get through the Senate.
" But that's not the world we live in anymore.
We live in the world of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, where passionately pursuing your beliefs is somehow more important than not making donor dinners awkward.
And that's why I support this absurd bill! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All in favor? ALL: Aye! And the ayes have it.
Chuck, you'll take it from here.
On behalf of the United States Senate, I pronounce this bill dead on arrival! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Whoo! Yippee! Oh, I'm so nervous.
H-H-How do I look? If it's meant to be, it won't matter how long your tie is.
Don, I couldn't have done it without you, my best friend.
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
I can't say it without laughing! Who's best friends with their dad?! Pathetic! And now to break ground on this distribution center whose working conditions terrify even me.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Shit! Ass! We're too late! [DISTORTED.]
N-o-o-o-o! [THUD.]
Aaaaah! Whoa! Jesus Christ, Donald! There's a lot of vital organs where that shovel is! Hey.
This is the healthiest thing I've ever put in my body.
Look, Putin, no one is getting between me and that tower, especially you and Jerk Bozo.
That's my new nickname for him.
Do we like it? We like it.
Donald, listen.
I have given the land to Bezos.
Unlike you, he actually has the power to get the U.
S.
to pull out of NATO.
Hold it right there, Vladimir.
Like so many Amazon employees, Donald here has sacrificed his vital organs to make a buck, and there's something to be said for that.
So you're giving me the land so I can build my cool hotel?! Oh, God, no.
I got to make a buck, too.
So let's break this ground! There's gonna be so much piss and shit.
It's gonna be great.
Don, pull the plane around.
I literally have no idea how to do that.
Don, you're embarrassing me.
Pull around the plane.
Well, Chuck, we held onto power for one more day.
Do you think we'll ever kill someone in the name of preserving our status? There's a lot of bends in the river of life.
Who knows? Hey.
I know you really wanted this, so here you go.
- [DING!.]
- SCHUMER: Oh, my God.
- Where did you get these?! - I promised Jerry Nadler I'd teach him to floss dance.
So, some other freshmen congresspeople and I are going to Twitch stream ourselves eating fast casual ramen and talking wage slavery.
You should come.
You know we just might.
She didn't tell us where she lives.
- [TIRES SQUEAL, VEHICLE DEPARTS.]
- Shit.
MNUCHIN: Are you gonna get that thing taken out? Nah.
I kinda like it.
It's like my own little kickstand.
How ya doin'? I-I'm serious.
How are you doing? I'm all right.
I'm just learning to love the dictator I see in the mirror.
Good for you.
Hey.
Uhh Kim Jong-un says if we lift sanctions on North Korea, he'll build Trump Tower Pyongyang.
Should I tell him you're taking time for yourself, or? Hey, Kim Jong-un! I know your nation isn't big on feeding people, but what do you think about really nice restaurants? Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!
I'm Chuck Todd, and no one remembers hiring me.
The New York Times has obtained ten years of figures from President Trump's tax returns, and for many of those years, he lost more money than any person in America.
The White House insists this is fake news.
And the President is going about his normal day.
I was worried the day would come when everyone would find out that I was the worst businessman in history, but now that it's here, it's not so b-a-a-a-a-agh! Who am I kidding, Rudy?! I'm so frickin' embarrassed! Be honest.
Do you think being exposed as a broke fraud will affect people's perception that I'm not a broke fraud? Don't get so worked up.
Everyone's public persona is a little different than who they are.
But d-did you know that Johnny Carson was actually really shy? [VOMITS.]
Fascinating, but not the same.
We gotta get out of this news cycle.
I need you to FaceTime Brian Williams, and I'm gonna show him my junk! [VOMITS.]
Oh, great.
There goes $300 in oysters! This is like that dream where you show up to class and you're wearing a shirt that says "I'm the worst businessman in the world!" Hey! Hey! Look me in my weird dog bottom teeth! You are the most powerful person in the world, and no one can take that away from you! Vice President Joe Biden's poll numbers are surging well ahead of Trump in states across the country I'm sure it's just the blue states.
including Texas.
- [VOMITS.]
- There it is.
Let it out.
Hey! You don't need to be president! You're rich! - Oh, wait.
Never mind.
- [VOMITS.]
Here was Biden earlier today somewhere.
Voters are getting behind my inspiring message.
If you elect me president, Trump won't be president! That's a good campaign slogan.
Maybe we can steal it! I just gotta not say anything dumb for 18 months.
All right.
Let's get some questions.
You there with the religious hat! And it's not just Joe Biden.
Every other Democratic candidate is beating Jonald Donald Trump.
Even Pete Buttigieg, who is the Chuck Todd of the candidates.
[SNEEZES.]
And maybe the worst news for President Trump the democrats are firming up a date for Robert Mueller to testify.
- Get your popcorn.
- Hey! Look at you! You heard all that news, and you haven't barfed yet! Here it comes! [VOMITS.]
Ahh! Morning routine complete.
Rudy, today's gonna be a great day! Don't listen to Mueller.
I've never been on this show! Ahh, another day in heaven, working for fat dad.
This is the best and first job I've ever had! Shut up! He's coming! I'm gonna shit! - Daddy! - Dad! Hey, kids.
I made you breakfast this morning.
- Yes! - Yeah! Relax.
It's just a figure of speech.
Good news, Daddy! I kept my mouth shut on another divisive issue! And my analytics are going freakin' nuts for this photo of me holding a rifle inside a fish's mouth.
And I just found out there's a cool skeleton inside of me! Look at us me in this big chair, you guys over there, a million-man militia ready to tear this country in two as soon as I say, "Charge.
" What more could we want? Dad, that Mueller report stirred up some old feelings for Trump Tower Moscow, huh? [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS.]
I'm perfectly happy where I am in this drafty house full of people who make me read.
Besides, it's not like someone else wants to build there.
Someone else wants to build there! I'm Wolf Blitzer, and erotic hypnotists never choose me as the volunteer.
Vladimir Putin has sold the land reserved for Trump Tower Moscow to Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, a man whose head shot and dick pic are indistinguishable to the human eye.
I'm excited to work with Putin, even though we have very little in common.
He's an oppressive autocrat, and I'm just a cool boss who improves productivity by making workers piss and shit themselves.
Whatever.
I'm so over it.
Idiot liar! I almost built a gorgeous tower with a murderous dictator.
You never get over it.
Yeah, like my wife and kids after I left them for a background actress hoping for her big break at 38.
Not happening.
You want to build Trump Tower Moscow? I mean, why not just burst into Robert Mueller's office and shout, "I want a do-over"? Relax.
I'm in a good place, and to prove it, I will lovingly remember my time with the Tower once more.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: It all started in 2015 when I first laid eyes on her.
I'm sorry.
You're such a klutz.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Ahh.
I knew right then I had to have it, no matter how many laws I need to break or times Robert De Niro would call me the C-word on the Kids' Choice Awards.
I signed a letter of intent the next day.
We were going to be together forever.
Then something terrible happened.
MAN: Donald Trump has been elected President of the United States.
Hey.
Uh, have you seen the plans for Trump Tower Moscow? We're going to spend the weekend together at Bear Mountain! Forget that building.
You just scored with a building way older and squatter.
The White House! But that's impossible! I said John McCain wasn't a war hero! I-I accused a reporter of menstruating on the job! I told everyone how big and strong my hog was! I spent an entire debate just kind of lurking behind my opponent! [SOBBING.]
Just let him cry it out.
Uh, Pompeo, what's going on at, uh, State? I talked to the Turks over - over the weekend.
- Pompeo, you bastard! - There's a man in pain over here! - And they've agreed to hold off on any engagement with the Kurds - for the next 90 days.
- I wanna die! - Don't you understand?! - The Turks have made it clear that WOMAN: We're on in five! Nancy, we've done it.
We've proven all the doubters wrong.
I can't believe we have the majority in the House.
And the minority in the Senate, which is even more powerful than the majority.
And now for our biggest achievement yet an interview with the crimson goatee himself, Chuck Todd! [COUGHS.]
My name is Chuck Todd, and I look like it.
We're joined this Sunday by, uh, Speaker Pelosi and Leader Schumer, who have requested the audience genuflect before them.
Okay.
First and only question.
Are you friends with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and, i-if so, what is she like? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Ahhhhh Sir, is everything okay? You're sighing so loud, Karen can't hear herself search for gay fingerprints.
They were here! The scented hand soap is below the line I drew on the dispenser! I've never fallen for anything or anyone like I did for Trump Tower Moscow.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Oh, no.
I'm so jealous.
Maybe it'd be better to make it work with this stable, stocky White House.
Yeah.
I guess you're right.
It has its quirks, but at least it was built by slaves.
There ya go! The corporate tax rate may be 21%, but corporations never pay that, honey! She gets way more attention than us, and she hasn't passed one bill that weakens teachers' unions! After we won Congress, I assumed the youths would worship us for the rest of their hopeless, debt-ridden lives.
Clearly, the kids are responding to something AOC has that we don't.
BOTH: A microwave! Nancy, have you ever microwaved before? - What am I a chef?! - All right.
You press "record," and I'll just start pushing stuff.
[SIRENS WAILING, HORNS BLARING.]
Are we viral? Nancy, we need to see the one person in this town who knows how to use a microwave Ocasio-Cortez.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Pence is right.
I don't need a hotel with 80 Russian hookers roaming the hallways.
I get to live at 1600 Washington Avenue.
- Rah! Ahh! - Don, what are you doing?! Those were Dolley Madison's plates! I was gonna sell those! I'm sick of this! Dad, you're my best friend.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Shut up! - Stop it! - You're my best Stop it! I'm gonna get the hiccups! friend.
But in six years, if you're still wasting your life in some crappy White House instead of pursuing the tower of your dreams, I will kick your ass! [PLATE SHATTERS.]
You're right, Don.
- [DON SCREAMING.]
- I loved that tower.
Far across the sea In the motherland Was my Trump Tower Moscow A legitimate Venture of my brand My sweet Trump Tower Moscow Moscow Moscow Moscow Right behind those golden doors Is the best hotel you've ever seen Step onto those linoleum floors Covered with faux marbling And the lady at the counter typing way too loud Hands you your two room keys Giving you the ticket To world-class amenities Like a fitness room With a stationary bike And an ice machine Making tap-water ice And a restaurant That's really nice And a mini bar With 12-dollar Sprites And a business center With fluorescent lights And a restaurant That's really nice Really nice It would have been my Trump Tower But now I'm in power Was my Trump Tower Moscow All those in favor of funding Trump Tower Moscow, say, "Aye," except Susan Collins, which is a given.
Hey! That's true! Those who oppose? - No! - Are you fucking insane?! The "are you fucking insanes" have it.
You guys are jerks! I'm gonna get my Russian hotel built because I know, in my bones, it's what the American people want! Last night, your approval rating went through a slight 25-point adjustment.
Bill Shine, I told you that tie was a loser! Sir, I used to handle the settlements at Fox News.
If it's money you desire, just accuse me of sexually harassing you.
I'll take out my checkbook.
We'll settle this right here.
Ahh, money's great.
It's just that every time I close my eyes, I picture myself with that tower.
Two point five little towers running around.
Every Christmas, we stand around the piano singing tower songs.
We raise them half-tower, half-human.
Sure, it's gonna be tough, but we're family.
Let's get that feel-good nonsense in front of the American people.
First up, your most pitiful sycophants.
Three white people on a couch It's Fox & Friends Your grandkids don't speak to you, but you've still got Fox & Friends! We flipped on the lights this mornin', and the President of the United States was already sitting here! Please explain to the dumb-dumbs why we need to build a Trump Tower on Russian soil.
Democrats act like they care so much about foreigners, but what about all those Russian oligarchs unable to soak in a one-jet, teacup Jacuzzi with knobs that squeak like dolphins? - Aww! - You're not dreamin', folks.
The President's here, and we're talkin' dolphins.
[MUZAK PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
- AOC! - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez! Aah! Oh.
I thought you two died.
The microwave parts missed every artery.
Let's get to why we're all here.
For some reason, the youths don't realize we're the coolest cats in cat town.
Me-ow! We need your help getting the word out.
Can we pick your brain over dinner? How does 4:45 work for you? Ohh, I don't think I can make it because my entire political appeal is based on never, ever being seen with you two.
What's it gonna take? How about gold nail clippers Jerry Nadler gave me at last year's Christmas party? Lightly used every day.
Don't do it, Chuck! Maybe get off your rich, bony asses and create a commission for my Green New Deal, honey! - Done.
- Oh, thank God.
I thought I was gonna have to give up those nail clippers! If there's a hell, I'm pretty sure we're gonna go.
Oh, Jesus.
Enough with the hell talk, Eric.
Everything's gonna be fine, after Giuliani turns in another flawless performance.
Isn't this hotel an obvious scam designed to enrich the President? D-D-D-D I'm gonna stop you right there, Chuck.
If anything, it would be illegal for the President not to build Trump Tower Moscow.
Sure, he's gonna make a buck, but he has to run a building.
He's got some hairy Olaf guy calling him at 3 a.
m.
saying the pipes are banging.
Donald's gotta climb 80 floors in sweatpants, rip down the plaster, take out his big, goofy flashlight, act like he knows what he's doing.
He doesn't know what he's doing! - [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- Oh, Donald's calling.
Hold on.
- What are you doing?! - What did I say? - Wow.
Ok Rings a bell.
- fucking asshole! Ahh, you're kidding me.
All right.
Let me tr Okay.
I'll try.
I'll try.
Okay.
All right.
Let me get back to what I said about I forgot.
Hold on.
Let me call him back.
- SCHUMER: Is it on? - PELOSI: Is it working? Hello, constituents.
Join the new "I'm with Blue, how about you?" campaign to urge Democrats to drop the fight for a livable minimum wage.
OCASIO-CORTEZ: Okay.
No, honey, let's cut.
We didn't get to announce which donor tier gets an XL Monsanto shirt! Low-key, people are tired of scripted, focus-grouped messages.
They want passionate leaders.
Great.
Which passions are polling the best? Forget it.
I gotta go to Senator Dick Durbin's party.
It's gonna be lit! [GASPS.]
Chuck! We weren't invited to the Durbin Derby! But I kept that secret about him using the Congressional blow dryer on his bean bag! Alexandria, wait! We can do this.
Sir, we've tried everything to convince the country to build your wacky hotel, including releasing a limited-edition Trump Tower Moscow Man cereal.
Unfortunately, it tasted like bricks.
Have you considered just declaring another national emergency? How dare you suggest such a thing! I learned my lesson and will never again violate my sacred duty to the Constitu I'm kidding.
It's done.
What's for lunch? PRESIDENT TRUMP: I requested a joint session of Congress because I supposedly negotiated a two-state solution between Israel and Palestine.
The truth is, I've done nothing of the sort.
Yay! Fight! Fight! Fight! Yay! Actually, I'm just letting you know that because you guys are being such jerks about it, I'm declaring a national emergency to build Trump Tower Moscow! CONGRESS: Boo! Come on.
You love it.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
We're here with my squad.
There's the OG, Chuck Schumer Mr.
Cool! and Queen Nancy Pelosi! Fancy Nancy! And we think that before we build hotels in Moscow, we need to focus on a Green New Deal, honey! Yes, and how will we pay for it? You guys know the dealio.
Massive tax increases on the wealthy! Yo, honey! Okurrr! Wow! It's so easy declaring a national emergency! I might do another one tomorrow.
Depends what's on TV.
Anyway, let's break ground before this Bezos guy starts mowing my lawn.
Oh, bad news, kiddo.
I just found this pesky regulation in the NATO charter that says you can't build here unless you pull out of NATO, of course.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
It's in the really long and boring part.
Ugh! That sounds really long and boring.
Problem is, everything everyone says I can't do, I do, and everyone's like, "Fine.
Whatever.
" But pulling out of NATO is the one thing everyone's like, "No, that one you really can't do.
" Aww.
Too bad.
Hey! Uh, Trump's too much of a wuss! - Bezos, it's a go! - Fantastic! My distribution center is gonna have 50 floors, one bathroom, and a really nice restaurant.
Hey! Making the restaurant really nice was my idea! H-How do I pull out of NATO? I don't have an Allen wrench, FYI, if that's a part of it.
[BOTH SNORING.]
- Ahh - Ohh Aah! Free college! Chuck, wake up! What happened last night? I had this dream we promised to do some stuff that would require a political spine.
Your housekeepers are probably just poisoning you.
It happens to all of us eventually.
Well, should we head outside and joylessly pursue our modest goals? After you, my hack.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
- WOMAN: We love you, Nancy! - MAN: We Stan you, Chuck! - [CROWD CHANTING.]
Eat the rich! - "Eat the rich"? What the hell are these people talking about?! AOC! That bitch! Just want to thank you all for supporting my emergency declaration.
ALL: Ehh And I was thinking, what better way to celebrate - than to pull out of NATO? - ALL: Whoa! Pulling out of NATO is nuts! And that's coming from someone who sleeps upside down in a coffin.
I sleep on my side, and my wife says that sometimes I snore.
Pompeo, just because people are talking doesn't mean you have to talk, too.
Sir, an international conspiracy between autocratic populists is a two-way street.
I see you doing things for Putin, but what has he done for you? He does things for America all the time.
Moana.
Yeah, I think he did that.
The supermoon was his.
You're just jealous.
My wife gets jealous when I spend too much time watching the ballgame.
She hates you, Pompeo! Everyone does! You're like if curdled milk grew a mouth and couldn't all the way zip his pants.
Good point, @PikaChoomGang87.
We can't prepare for climate refugees until we abolish ICE.
Hold that thought.
AOC needs a pizza bagel.
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
You ruined us! Now our donors think we're some kind of liberals! Do you know how many bags of Monsanto fertilizer I'm gonna have to chug to get my calls returned?! You do realize that just because you cracked the screen doesn't mean that you broke the camera.
So all this is 'Gramming out? OCASIO-CORTEZ: Say hi to two million people who got into politics maybe five months ago! Can you believe my Cabinet thinks you're using me? Look, you don't need a Cabinet.
Okay? That settles that.
Okay, so, for the Trump Tower Lobby, I'm thinking some gold, maybe a front desk with a lady.
Ahh, forget about the stupid tower.
You need to focus on pulling out of NATO.
Back up! Did you just call the tower stupid? Trump, I love you, but if you don't pull out of NATO, this is not going to work.
- No.
You hang up fir - [LINE CLICKS, DIAL TONE.]
God damn it! No one say a friggin' word! I called an emergency joint session to say I didn't want that tower in the first place! I'm perfectly happy as [SOBBING.]
president.
I don't need portraits of beaches in the lobby, a pool with eye-hurting water, one person at the front desk who isn't waiting on anybody, but you can't talk to them because they're looking down at something! [GLASS SHATTERS.]
[SOBS.]
It hurts so bad! I'm still gonna support him, but just out of pity.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP SOBBING.]
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
Nom-nom-nom-nom! You're too good for that tower, sir.
You need to get back out there and build another monstrosity, maybe a detention center or a self-sealing cube for menstruating women.
I'm just worried that I let my soulmate get away.
[BELCHES.]
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO.]
PELOSI: We're in a pickle, Chuck.
If we act like ourselves, we're despised, but if we act like AOC, we're popular.
What do we do?! [SIGHS.]
Let's just become Republicans.
Ah, we couldn't live with ourselves if we got stuff done.
You're right.
You know what? We should open a travel agency! No one uses travel agents anymore.
Exactly! We'd be the only ones out there! But no one uses them! That's why they don't exist! I know! That's the point! [WHISTLING.]
Someone's got the sillies.
What got into you? I had a great idea last night.
What if we build Trump Tower Moscow in Rio, Brazil, baby?! Dad, that sounds awesome, but the only place you're building Trump Tower Moscow Rio is in Moscow.
Why? Because you're still hung up on that hot-ass hotel.
I'm so not.
Then why did I find this under your bed next to blueprints for something called Pizza Car? Ever since you launched your campaign, the Democrats, Robert Mueller, everyone on Earth has been trying to figure out why you kiss Russia's ass, as if it's something more complicated than it is.
What is it? Love of a shit ton of money.
But the tower's moved on with Jeff Bezos.
A lot of towers would love your name on them.
That I know.
But sometimes the tower that you were meant for was right in front of you all along in Moscow.
Now go to it.
If we hold a vote on AOC's Green New Deal, we'll get disinvited from Exxon's Christmas party.
Pitbull was there last year.
Pitbull! Maybe this is the only copy.
Throw it in the microwave.
[BEEPING.]
You know, I once heard the next generation is looking for passionate leaders.
Maybe the only way to keep power is to get out there and fight for what we're told is right! Oh, boy.
Nadler's gonna take his clippers back, isn't he? It's called courage, Chuck.
I'm flying to Moscow and telling that tower how I feel, but, first, I'm gonna watch a quick eight - straight hours of TV.
- Ass yeah! [GOOFY MUSIC PLAYS ON TV.]
Dad! Jeff Bezos is breaking ground on his Moscow distribution center in 12 hours! The flight is nine hours! I'll never make it in time! - Aww, man.
- Ugh! Aww! Wait! You can watch TV on the plane! Eric, you're a genius! OCASIO-CORTEZ: Madam Speaker, I urge you to bring House Resolution 1878, the establishment of a Green New Deal Commission, to the floor.
And to co-sponsor this bill, I brought with me today Queer Eye sensation Jonathan Van Ness! I'm talking less greenhouse gases, more renewable energy.
I'm talking a 40%-to-60% reduction in emissions from 2010 levels by 2030, honey! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [DING!.]
- I'll be okay.
This nation's greatest accomplishments were the result of leaders soberly pursuing reasonable goals.
Like when Martin Luther King Jr.
stood on the steps and said those inspiring words, "I have a dream, but it will never get through the Senate.
" But that's not the world we live in anymore.
We live in the world of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, where passionately pursuing your beliefs is somehow more important than not making donor dinners awkward.
And that's why I support this absurd bill! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All in favor? ALL: Aye! And the ayes have it.
Chuck, you'll take it from here.
On behalf of the United States Senate, I pronounce this bill dead on arrival! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Whoo! Yippee! Oh, I'm so nervous.
H-H-How do I look? If it's meant to be, it won't matter how long your tie is.
Don, I couldn't have done it without you, my best friend.
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
I can't say it without laughing! Who's best friends with their dad?! Pathetic! And now to break ground on this distribution center whose working conditions terrify even me.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Shit! Ass! We're too late! [DISTORTED.]
N-o-o-o-o! [THUD.]
Aaaaah! Whoa! Jesus Christ, Donald! There's a lot of vital organs where that shovel is! Hey.
This is the healthiest thing I've ever put in my body.
Look, Putin, no one is getting between me and that tower, especially you and Jerk Bozo.
That's my new nickname for him.
Do we like it? We like it.
Donald, listen.
I have given the land to Bezos.
Unlike you, he actually has the power to get the U.
S.
to pull out of NATO.
Hold it right there, Vladimir.
Like so many Amazon employees, Donald here has sacrificed his vital organs to make a buck, and there's something to be said for that.
So you're giving me the land so I can build my cool hotel?! Oh, God, no.
I got to make a buck, too.
So let's break this ground! There's gonna be so much piss and shit.
It's gonna be great.
Don, pull the plane around.
I literally have no idea how to do that.
Don, you're embarrassing me.
Pull around the plane.
Well, Chuck, we held onto power for one more day.
Do you think we'll ever kill someone in the name of preserving our status? There's a lot of bends in the river of life.
Who knows? Hey.
I know you really wanted this, so here you go.
- [DING!.]
- SCHUMER: Oh, my God.
- Where did you get these?! - I promised Jerry Nadler I'd teach him to floss dance.
So, some other freshmen congresspeople and I are going to Twitch stream ourselves eating fast casual ramen and talking wage slavery.
You should come.
You know we just might.
She didn't tell us where she lives.
- [TIRES SQUEAL, VEHICLE DEPARTS.]
- Shit.
MNUCHIN: Are you gonna get that thing taken out? Nah.
I kinda like it.
It's like my own little kickstand.
How ya doin'? I-I'm serious.
How are you doing? I'm all right.
I'm just learning to love the dictator I see in the mirror.
Good for you.
Hey.
Uhh Kim Jong-un says if we lift sanctions on North Korea, he'll build Trump Tower Pyongyang.
Should I tell him you're taking time for yourself, or? Hey, Kim Jong-un! I know your nation isn't big on feeding people, but what do you think about really nice restaurants? Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!