Package Deal (2013) s02e01 Episode Script

Thanks.
Just put that on Kim's tab.
Oh, I started a tab for you.
Surprise! Wait.
Don't you need my credit card to start a tab? Great.
Now you ruined the other surprise.
Look, you're paying me minimum wage.
Think of this as my one job perk.
Except, instead of a company jet, I get booze.
Thinking a jet would be cheaper.
Come on, Sheldon! Trade with me! Your yellow lollipop for my red one? This ain't my first trip to candytown, pal.
Nice lollies.
What did you boys do? All go to the same barber? Yes.
That went from funny to sad in record time.
What do you think? I asked for Clooney up top and DiCaprio on the sides.
Too bad he gave you the Macaulay Culkin.
I I still can't believe you guys get your haircuts together.
And why's that, Judgey McJudgerstein? Oh, I'm not judging.
I just think you guys are a bit Freakish? Weird? Unhealthy? I have more.
Look, we've been going to see Reno since we were kids.
It's a family tradition.
- Like seeing a hockey game.
- Right! Or shopping for underwear.
You guys shop for underwear together? Not just underwear.
We buy socks.
Snap the bra-straps on the mannequins.
You know, make a day of it.
And for the record, we also do plenty of stuff on our own.
Such as? Help me out here, guys.
- Uh - Well You know how I've been talking about getting a new car? Checking out a couple of dealerships this weekend.
Whoa! By yourself? Slow down there, Maverick.
What are you talking about? Look, don't take this the wrong way, Danny, but, sometimes, you can be a little indecisive.
I'm a lawyer.
I make life-or-death decisions every day.
Excuse me.
I'll have a beer, please.
Domestic or import? Can you come back? To be fair, that was a pretty high-pressure situation.
Now, look, Danny, the trick to dealing with car salesmen is this they need to know that you're willing to walk away at any second.
And speaking of walking away, can we get out of the booth? This is Boring? Tedious? Waste of a good buzz? I have more.
I appreciate the advice, Sheldon, but, uh, I think I can handle myself.
Aww, good for you, sweetie.
Are you serious about this? Yeah, like I'm gonna buy a car without you guys? Sunday at 10:00? Uh, let's make it 9:00.
The dealerships put out donuts on the weekend.
Ohh I love dealership donuts! You shall have plain.
Come on, man! Guess what we're doing tonight? And I'll give you a hint.
It involves beautiful ladies, cold Martinis, and an evil mastermind.
You want to watch Sheldon hit on drunk women? Close, but no.
I scored us two tickets to the early screening of the new James Bond movie! Silverball? But it's opening night! How did you get those? Well, let's just say I know the right people.
Pulled a few strings.
Bought 'em online? Yeah, but it starts in 45 minutes, so we'd better get going.
Wait! I just had a thought.
It's just I always see the new James Bond movie with my brothers.
So? So it's kind of a tradition.
Danny, everything is a "tradition" with you guys.
You still share a family cell phone plan.
Well, that is not tradition.
That's just prudent.
We text each other a lot.
Sorry.
Ahem.
Anyway.
I guess I was just hoping we could start a few traditions of our own.
Oh! We have traditions.
Name one that doesn't involve sex.
Okay, yeah.
We'll go to the movie.
But you have to promise not to tell Sheldon or Ryan that I saw it with you first, okay? Oh, my God! Fine! Okay! I promise.
Great.
Let's spit-shake.
What? It's tradition.
I thought the Usher confiscated your shaker.
Shh! They did.
I snuck this one in in my crotch.
Ooh! Psst.
Hey, Danny! That's the car you should get, right there.
Not sure I can afford the thermite torpedoes.
See, that's the difference between you and James Bond.
He dares to dream.
Yeah.
That's the difference.
Ahh! Damn it! I have to pee.
I should've gone earlier.
Aw, it's okay, there's a boring scene coming up.
Bond has brunch.
Wait a minute.
How would you know that? I, uh I I I read about it, on the Internet.
Damn spoilers! Am I right? Pfft.
You know what James Bond would say about the Internet? Actually, the Bond films have traditionally embraced technology.
Particularly post-cold war.
Gah! You're a dull boy, Ryan.
One medium "mint sensation.
" That's two bucks even.
Ahem! Would you like to upgrade to a large, sir? I'm obligated to ask, even though it's 25 cents more, and you're technically just paying for hot water.
Man! We cannot move those larges.
Nikki, can you at least try that sales strategy we talked about? Right.
What was that fancy term you came up with again? Doing your job.
Always with the marketing-speak.
He looked happy enough! That's because your shirt's all ripped.
I'm catching all sorts of side-boob over there.
Don't act like you don't like it.
But please, just try to dress more professionally.
Well, I guess I could buy new clothes, but then I'd have to steal food.
Seriously? 'Kay.
I'm not having the raise conversation again.
- Why not? - A) You drink.
Never before noon.
B) You're always late.
I think we covered that with "A".
C) You're not good with the customers.
D) I don't wash my hands after I go to the restroom.
Your turn! Look, okay? We're friends, and I love you, but I really, I can't afford to give you a raise right now, and I don't wanna have this conversation again.
Okay? Okay.
But this isn't over.
Then why did you just say "okay"? I'm gonna be honest with you.
I wasn't really listening.
Oh, and that interrogation scene are you kidding me? That was amazing! They're all "tell us what we wanna know," and Bond was all "I guess you'll have to kill me.
" And then Ryan was like "Oh, I've got to go pee again.
" There's nothing funny about male urinary tract infection.
Hey, guys.
Oh, and how about that chase scene at the end, right? Bond shoots that helicopter right out of the sky! Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, my God! And then he didn't even fall off his jet-ski.
He was like pewsh-pewsh pew-pew-pew-pew! When did you see "Silverball"? Uh, you know, um The other night.
Last night, um, I saw it with a friend.
Which friend? Ahh Riana.
"Ariana.
" Hershen freg-gren ton.
Really? Interesting.
We've never heard of this "Ariana clearly-made-up-last-name.
" Oh, Kim has lots of friends.
I think we all know that's not true.
So, Kim.
What does this "Ariana" do? Uh, she's, uh, in Stools.
Stools? Just another happy worker in the nation's burgeoning stool industry.
Yeah.
Uh, "stools the chair of the future.
" That's what Ariana always says.
And what does this "Ariana" look like? Um, she's tall, uh, six-feet tall, and r red hair.
Um eye-patch? Interesting.
You just described the Bond villain.
You know what else is interesting, Sheldon? Near the end of the movie, Danny covered his ears just before the big bomb went off.
Almost as if he knew it was coming! There was a close-up of the timer! An idiot could've seen that coming! I didn't see it coming! Oh, for God's sakes! Okay, I made him go.
Alright? I forced him to.
Not his fault.
I knew it.
You took her and lied to us! Who are you? Oh, come on, Sheldon! Don't you think you're being a bit dramatic? I bet when he went with her, they didn't even salute the first time Bond showed up.
Seriously? It's a tradition! I'm sorry, Danny, but we looked the other way when you took Kim away on that couples' retreat without us.
Hmm? But this No, this crosses a line.
What line, Sheldon? Kim is my girlfriend.
Oh? Okay.
So that's it, huh? Well, maybe it's time you made a choice once and for all.
Yeah! Us Or the girl.
I take the girl.
Okay.
That's it, then? You're taking the girl? Yeah! I'm taking the girl.
Well, the girl has a name! Alright.
You don't need traditions? You don't need us! Yeah! From now on, it's just you and Kim and Ariana Hershenfrergenton! Hey, babe.
How are you? Good.
You seem chipper.
Oh, never better.
I thought you would be upset after yesterday.
Upset? No, Kim, I am better than upset! I'm Not upset.
Oh.
So you made up with Sheldon and Ryan? Oh, God, no.
They're dead to me.
But also, it turns out I like doing stuff without my brothers.
Yeah, I didn't have Ryan there, giving me his stupid fashion advice or Sheldon trying to pass off fake Groupons.
I just made a decision.
I'm not sure you did.
It's fine, I can just return whatever we don't like.
Now, I am leaning towards These loafers.
Tassels? Really? They were 70% off! Because they have tassels.
Okay, let's forget the shoes.
What do you say you and me go car shopping? Me? Oh, Danny, I would love that.
Maybe this can become one of our traditions.
Great! I've already made appointments at eight different dealerships.
Uh, excuse me.
Eight? Oh, yeah, but it's cool.
I'm sure the others will take walk-ins.
Isn't this nice, Ryan? Just me and you, spending quality time together.
You know, like in the old days, before Danny was born.
I was five.
Well, this is what it was like.
Drink your damn beer.
You know who else likes beer? Danny.
Pull yourself together, will ya? Huh? Just think about all the free time we're gonna have now.
No more looking after him.
Yeah! No more worrying about him.
No more solving his problems! He's gonna die alone! Look.
He's with her now.
Let him go.
You're right.
Oh, come on, Ryan.
We knew that one day little Danny was gonna sprout feathers and fly out of the nest.
I know, I just didn't think he was gonna crap all over us as he flew away.
Nikki! Hey! Nikki! Hello Come on over! How is every little thing? Could be better.
Wait! You have a problem? No, it's not a huge thing.
It is to us! Yeah.
Talk to us.
Well, I've just been trying to get a raise from Kim and she refuses to give me one.
That is an outrage! Here.
Let us buy you a drink.
Ah, it's cool.
I have a tab.
Sorta.
Coupe.
I'll go with the coupe.
No! The back seat's too small! God! I'm such an idiot! Hey Is the light keeping you up? That, and the sound of you calling yourself an idiot.
Sorry.
I probably just need to take my mind off this a while.
You wanna make out? Sure.
Yeah.
There's nothing sexier than wishy-washy.
You're right.
I'm just gonna make a decision.
I'm going with this one.
The wagon? What are we? Pregnant? There are so many options! Do I really need a CD player? Depends.
Will you be driving through the '90s? Look, I know what's going on here.
You're feeling lost without your brothers.
But you have me now.
I can be your support system.
You're right.
I've been listening to my brothers for too long.
I need to value your input more.
And from now on, I'm going to.
Good.
I think you should go with the Sedan.
Yikes! Someone has daddy issues.
I said I was sorry for rejecting your suggestions, but you don't have to keep snapping at me.
Sorry, Danny.
I guess I'm just one of those high-maintenance gals who needs more than 45 minutes of sleep.
Oh.
Hello, Sheldon.
- Danny.
- Ryan.
Danny.
Ryan.
Sheldon.
I'm gonna take off.
This is a little awkward.
Ya think? What the hell are Bert and Ernie doing here? It so happens they've been serving me in an advisory capacity.
I would like to discuss my raise.
I told you, Nikki, it's not gonna happen.
Yes, well, I'm afraid it's not quite so simple.
You see, I've been chatting with my associates, and I know things about you, Kim.
Terrible things that would be very embarrassing if they ever got out.
Like what? I went to the movies with my boyfriend? It sounded worse when they said it.
What the hell was that? That was like watching Ryan trying to stand up to his ex-wife.
Wait.
Why? Were you talking to her? Did she mention me? Now, just remember what we talked about.
It's like buying a car.
She needs to know that you're willing to walk away at any second.
Got it! Kim.
I'm sorry to have to play hard ball with you, but here we are.
Either you give me a raise or I'm quitting.
Fine.
There's the door! I'll mail you your last cheque.
You morons got me fired! Oh, don't worry.
She's bluffing.
She'll be back in three two One Now, that is "willing to walk away.
" Hey! I was just about to make dinner.
What do you feel like? Killing myself.
Great! Soup for one.
I got your text about Nikki.
I can't believe she just quit in the middle of a shift.
That surprises you? Well, to be honest, I figured she'd just stop showing up and, one day, we'd get a collect call from a Mexican jail.
I mean, I know she wasn't a model employee, or a good one Or competent She was my friend.
So maybe you're better off going your separate ways.
Like me, with Sheldon and Ryan.
About that.
I've been thinking.
Maybe this has gone on long enough between you guys.
What do you mean? I thought you wanted them out of your hair.
But they're still in my hair.
They've just gone from screwing with your life to screwing with Nikki's, which screws mine.
They're like vampires.
You try to kill them and they just keep coming back.
Oh, we also went and saw the Twilight movies together.
As a gag! Look, I think we just need to be the bigger people and apologize.
Absolutely not! If we're gonna resolve this, they have to come to me.
Okay? I mean, I am doing great, living my own life, making my own decisions.
By the way, you never mentioned my new sweater.
Mm.
Well, that is a yellow sweater.
Yeah! With buttons.
Sheldon, it's Kim.
I know you're screening my calls.
I can tell because your outgoing message says "If this is Kim, I'm screening your calls.
" Oh.
Hi.
I just came to collect a few personal items.
Didn't realize you'd left any.
You'd be surprised how many places you can hide liquor in here.
Is the cash register locked? There should be a tiny bottle of vodka in with the nickels.
Nikki, wait.
You can't quit.
I thought you fired me.
Did I? Maybe I'm tougher than I thought.
You're not.
But it's fine, you know? I'll just find something better that pays more.
Well, do you have any skills? Yuck.
Is that like a whole thing now? Nikki, we're friends, and I want you here.
Isn't that enough of a job perk? No.
Fine! I'll give you 50 cents more per hour.
Done! But I have some conditions.
No drinking on the job.
Does beer count? Yes.
You also have to dress more professionally.
Be nicer to the customers.
Pfft! Fine.
And You have to give me regular hugs, because we're friends.
No deal.
Okay, that's long enough.
Ah.
Well, welcome back.
I mean, assuming it's okay with your new career advisors.
Who, Sheldon and Ryan? Hah! I just saw those idiots.
Told them to stay out of my life.
You just saw them? - Uh-huh.
- Where? The recess.
But I think they're going to see that new vampire movie.
Oh.
Thank you.
Okay.
I gotta run.
Close up for me, okay? Oh, come on! I was just about to go on break.
You know who else loves popcorn? Danny.
Nut up.
You're acting like a teenage girl.
Sorry.
Good.
Now let's watch this movie about vampires in love.
Explain to me again what the hurry is.
You pulled me out of a client meeting.
Client, Schmient.
You don't think Mr.
Schmient's heard that one before? Whoa! What the ? Sheldon and Ryan.
Danny! Shh! What are you guys doing here? Well, we could ask the same question of you, but, sadly, we don't have the time.
We were just leaving.
Hang on.
Kim, what are you doing? Enough is enough.
Danny has something he wants to say.
No, I don't.
Well I'm sure Sheldon and Ryan would like to say something to you.
Not me.
You? Well, I saved you Never mind.
Fine then.
I have something I want to say.
The whole reason this happened in the first place is because your feelings were hurt.
And maybe I didn't understand that, but now I do.
Yeah, yeah, thanks, Oprah, but the trailers have started.
Look, you guys spend a lot of time together and you have a lot of traditions.
Does that seem stupid from the outside? Absolutely! Do you sometimes come off as weird little man-children? You bet.
Maybe get to the point, Kim.
Oh, for God's sakes! The point is, I'm the bad guy here.
So if you should be mad at anyone, you should be mad at me.
My God she's right! Somewhere, somehow, we were so busy being angry with Danny, we forgot the most important tradition of all! Hating Kim.
You mean ? Go to him, my son.
Danny! - Come on.
- Bring it in.
Aww.
Thanks, guys.
Where the hell did you get those tasseled loafers? There she is.
My new ride.
I take delivery tomorrow.
What the hell kind of colour is that? Pink? It's "champagne.
" Look, Danny, champagne is not a colour.
It's what you get drunk on, and then order a pink car.
Guys, Danny ordered that car all on his own.
I think you should be supportive of that.
Thanks, Kim.
First thing tomorrow, you and me'll take it for a spin and show it off.
I don't think so.
Why not? Well, I'm supportive of you getting the car, not of me being seen in it.
Look, Danny.
The good news is, this thing's a lease, so you're only stuck with it for, what, three years? - Six.
- Idiot!