Parks and Recreation s02e01 Episode Script

Okay, here's the situation.
Your parents went away on a week's vacation.
They left the keys to the brand new Porsche.
Would they mind? Well, of course not.
I'll just take it for a little spin And maybe show it off to a couple of friends I'll just cruise around the neighborhood Well, maybe I shouldn't Yeah! Of course I should Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot Pulled up to the corner at the end of my block That's when I saw this beautiful girly-girl walking I picked up my car phone To perpetrate like I was talking Sunroof was open, the music was high And that girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car I can't believe it! I made a mistake But parents are the same No matter time nor place So to all you kids all across the land No need to argue Parents just don't understand Yeah! All right! Thank you.
Thank you.
Just a little something I know.
So, what's up? Someone is on fire in Ramsett Park.
They need you to get down there right away.
Oh, my God.
I've been spending the summer doing a lot of zoo promotions.
For he's a jolly good fellow Parrots live a very long time.
So we had a birthday party for a parrot that turned 60.
which nobody can deny Chimpanzees are very smart, so we had them graduate from college.
And they like to fling their feces, so we were hoping that they would fling their hats.
But they just flung their feces.
The Pawnee Zoo recently purchased two South African black-footed penguins, Tux and Flipper.
And as part of our zoo promotion, we are going to give them a marriage ceremony, because they mate for life.
Tux, do you take Flipper, to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do! I do! By the power vested in me from the Department of Parks and Recreation, I now pronounce you husband and wife! Oh! Okay, well, at least they're married.
Are they making babies? Well, not those two.
Those are both boy penguins.
I'm sorry? Tux and Flipper are both boys.
So you should have pronounced them husband and husband, technically.
That's awesome.
Still, you couldn't have asked for better weather.
Brendanawicz, you big sandwich eater.
Oh Cut it out, now.
Just to be clear, that was a friend punch.
There was no flirtatious meaning behind that playful punch I just gave your arm.
Yes, I do understand.
You've made it abundantly clear that there's no romantic element to our relationship in any way.
Yes.
Good.
Isn't it good to be able to just kind of horse around like this as friends? It is.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I really hit rock bottom that night.
And I mean that I literally fell to the bottom of a pit and hit a rock.
I remember laying there thinking, "There's probably a good reason why I'm down here and single.
" And then I started thinking, "I need morphine.
" Oh, yeah, I hear you made two male penguins very happy today.
You're making history, Knope.
I like that.
Sticking your neck out, you know.
No, I didn't stick my neck out.
It was an accident.
Out of the mainstream.
I think that's cool.
I'm in the mainstream.
Yeah, I know.
No, no.
Not out of it.
Social activism.
No! Uh-uh.
People in this town don't really like their government employees being activists.
Last year, a garbage man was suspended for wearing a Live Strong bracelet.
Hey, Leslie, some guy who owns a gay bar sent you a cake.
Pawnee has a gay bar? Yeah.
The Bulge.
It's behind my house.
The Bulge is a gay bar? Uh, the nights I've wasted there.
"Leslie! Hey, girrrrrrrrl!" With eight R's.
"Thank you for supporting the cause of gay marriage.
"You rock! The boys at The Bulge.
" They thought that was a political gesture? Okay, nobody eat that cake.
Tom? Step into my office.
That's also my office.
Yeah, whatever.
I know that you are not gay.
No, I'm not.
But you're effeminate.
What? Well, you're wearing a peach shirt with a coiled snake on it.
Yes, 'cause it was featured in Details magazine.
And it's awesome.
Effeminate.
Anyway, so the point is, do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement? Yes.
The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet.
Huh.
Leslie? They sent you T-shirts, too.
Oh! Wow, look, they sent us a T-shirt.
Hmm Mine has a collar on it.
There she is.
Leslie! Hey! Hey.
This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.
Hi.
Hey.
Oh! Wait, sorry, what's the situation? What do you mean? How does this work? Derek is gay, but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek.
And I hate Ben.
It's not that complicated.
No.
Oh.
Yeah.
Sure.
The thing about youth culture is, I don't understand it.
So what can I do for you guys? They just really wanted to meet you, because you're kind of like their hero now.
Oh, oh, April, please, it was just penguins.
APRIL: No! I'm a public servant, and I'm not allowed to take a political stance.
But you did, and it was awesome.
Yeah.
None of the other politicians ever take a stand, and it means a lot to the whole gay community.
It does, and we're gonna have this party tomorrow night at The Bulge, and we had something to ask you.
We really want you to be the guest of honor.
Oh, my.
It'd be amazing if you came.
Yeah, you have to come.
Who made this? We did.
Yeah, we did.
How? Photoshop.
What? Oh! Computers.
Hey, why are you all dolled up? It's a long story.
I'm the guest of honor at this gay bar tonight.
I guess gay men are starting to like me.
I don't know.
I guess they think I'm fabulous or something.
Well, you look good, girl.
You're gonna turn somebody tonight.
That was hands-down the best interaction I've ever had with Donna.
Leslie, this is Marcia Langman from the Society For Family Stability Foundation.
Oh, hello.
I love your top.
Oh, thank you so much.
I was just hoping you had a moment to discuss the events at the zoo yesterday.
Well, I have nothing to do with this, so Well, what can I do for you and those fine people at the SFSF? Well, you could resign, if you're up for it.
Oh, you're serious? When you performed a marriage for gay penguins, using taxpayer money on government property, you were symbolically taking a stand in favor of the gay marriage agenda.
Oh, I'm sorry, but hold on a second there, Marcia.
That was not my intention, at all.
Well, why else would you marry penguins? Because I firmly believed that it would be cute.
And it was.
Leslie, are you married? No.
Not yet, Marcia.
Soon, probably.
I have a plan, but, no, not now.
Not dating anyone yet.
Focusing on my career.
I thought so.
So you couldn't possibly understand, but when gays marry, it ruins marriage for the rest of us.
So, either you annul the wedding, or I'll publicly ask for your resignation.
You know what? I'm so terrible with directions.
If I'm headed to the parking lot, do I make a left out of here, or do I go right? It's a left, yeah.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Annul the wedding! Hey.
Hi! I'm supposed to meet Leslie for lunch, but she actually works, so Ouch! Mark was brought to my hospital the night of the accident.
He was here for a week.
I think when his head hit the ground, it must've knocked something loose, because he's actually a pretty nice guy now.
And Andy, after we broke up, he told me he was going to Kansas to climb mountains.
So, I don't really know where he is.
Hey, have you seen that documentary about food yet? No, I haven't.
But I heard it's really good.
I want to see it.
We should go together.
What? Yeah, no.
I don't think so.
That would be like a date.
Okay.
Say no more.
Mmm.
I hate salad.
Leslie, I don't want to ever keep secrets from you.
Oh, me, neither.
Look, let's invent our own secret language that only we understand.
And then we can use it around people and no one will know what we're talking about.
Okay.
Okay.
But in the meantime, I'm just gonna tell you in English.
Mark kind of asked me out.
He weirdly asked me to go see a movie with him, and I said no, of course, but I just I just wanted to let you know.
I'm feeling a lot of confusing things right now.
Yeah.
No, of course you are.
And your friendship is the most important thing to me.
And he's off-limits.
Thank you.
I just want to let you know, I was really serious about that secret language.
I know.
I can't believe this is a gay bar.
Yeah, especially with that heterosexual cowboy greeting us on the way in.
Where should I drink now? There's a bar on Eighth Street called Pitchers and Catchers.
You can go there.
Yeah.
Hey! Okay, listen.
Here's the plan.
Our position is, we have no position.
So let's just say, "Thank you for the party, "but we regretfully decline your offer to honor me.
" Oh, my God, I can't believe you came.
Hi, April.
Derek! It's Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope, you're my hero! Oh! That's nice.
Leslie, you are looking hot.
Really? Thank you, Ben.
I'm really enjoying this hug.
That's so nice, but I need to tell you something.
This one is on us.
Well, if it's free Leslie Knope! She's Leslie Knope, and she wants to recruit you! No, no, no.
Oh, my.
Okay.
Please, please, please, please.
Gentlemen.
First of all, I would just like to say thank you so much for throwing me this party, especially on a night when the Colts are playing.
We love you, Leslie! Okay.
This is green.
Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Okay! Well, I wanted to tell you that I wasn't really trying to take a stand when I married those penguins.
Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! You're chanting my name.
Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! I just have one thing to say! Together we can change Pawnee forever! Let's dance! Leslie Knope's in the building, y'all! Let's get wild! I've seen so many dudes from City Hall here tonight, it's crazy.
But I guess they've seen me here, too.
So, that's not great.
Hey! Hi.
I got your text.
Is everything okay? Oh, yeah! They're having a party in my honor! Go to the bar.
If you're my friend, you can drink for free! Oh! Cool! Okay, and maybe next time don't use the words "medical emergency.
" I'm so glad you're here! I'm really sober! Okay! Get a drink! You know why tonight's fun? 'Cause everyone's so gay.
And they know how to have fun, and the dancing! Just, it's Everyone is just who they are.
And who they are is just stone-cold gay.
Can't read my Can't read my No, he can't read my poker face Blah, blah, blah, blah My, my, my, poker face My, my poker face My, my, my, poker face My, my poker face I'm having such a nice time tonight.
I've met many interesting people.
And there's two bisexual guys here, and I got both of their phone numbers.
My, my, my poker face My, my poker face My, my, my poker face My, my poker face My, my, my poker face My, my poker face The whole morning.
Show me what's hot Tell me what I got Can't read my Can't read my Have fun last night? I had three drinks named after me, so that's pretty fun.
Plus, Ben and Derek are taking me shopping on Saturday.
And we are gonna find out my actual bra size.
I guess I'm kind of like queen of the gays.
Bully for you.
I just got a phone call.
They want you to go on Pawnee Today.
Wow.
That's huge.
What's the topic? You.
That Marcia Langman from the family thing is calling for your resignation.
No! You gotta go on and defend yourself.
Why? I haven't even officially taken a stand on gay marriage.
That's funny.
Somebody just told me you were queen of the gays.
That was me.
Pawnee Today, with Joan Callamezzo.
It's kind of like the Meet the Press of our town.
It's the big time, Leslie.
Yeah, I know.
It is.
I'm nervous.
I just wish I were here under different circumstances.
Guess who? Uh Megan Fox? One of the Desperate Housewives? No, Joan Callamezzo.
Hey, Joanie! What's up, gorgeous? Good to see you.
Tom comes on the show all the time.
Joan loves him.
You have the softest skin of any woman in Pawnee.
Thank you.
I wish you could reach, from your TV screen, and just touch Joan's skin for a second.
That's sweet.
You'd have a treat.
You're pretty soft yourself.
How are your kids doing? They're pretty good.
Is it tough for them to have a mother that is so beautiful? What's it like being the most attractive woman in Pawnee? You keep up those funnies, I'm gonna have to invite you over for supper.
Well, I'll have to come over for supper.
Oh! You must.
Oh, my God.
Ann Perkins.
How you doing? I'm good.
How was mountain climbing? What? Can I come in? I just want to talk to you for a second.
Sure, yeah.
We have a controversial topic today, the gay penguin marriage at the Pawnee Zoo.
So, Marcia, what is all the fuss about? The fuss is that Miss Knope claimed that she was not advocating for this gay cause, and then that very night, she was the guest of honor at a pro-gay marriage rally at a bar called The Bulge.
Miss Knope, how do you respond? I'd first like to say that I wasn't trying to advocate for anyone.
I did not know that both of the penguins were males, and I was just trying to perform a cute, fun ceremony to promote our local zoo.
I have to say that that stunt that you did with the penguins was clearly over the line.
Now, Marcia, what, if anything, can Miss Knope do to make it right? Joan, we don't want to be unreasonable.
Of course not.
We think that she should separate the penguins, annul the marriage, reimburse the taxpayers for the cost of the wedding, of course, and then resign.
Oh! Is that it? That would do it.
Anything else? You want me to jump off a building? Perform hara-kiri? Move to a different town? No, I kid.
Full of ideas here today.
This is the reason why people don't go into politics.
Because, I bust my ass for the people in this city, and I can't win.
I have one night of fun with some of the best dancers I've ever danced with, and suddenly everybody's freaking out? Wow, look at that! Wow, we're lighting up here.
Great.
Let's go for it.
Bring it on.
I've never seen that on our show before.
How does this work? Well, there Push that, and Great.
Okay.
Hey! You're on the air! You're on the air! Good! Yeah, I think that lady should resign.
Okay, good.
Thank you.
Next caller.
You should resign and repay your salary.
Okay, two for resign.
Thank you.
Next caller.
I just want to say that I love the zoo, and the zoo is really fun.
Thank you.
That's really sweet.
And I think you should resign.
You look great.
You look amazing.
Thanks.
You look fancy.
Oh, yeah, the monkey suit.
Cost 3,000 bucks, but totally worth it.
I sold out! I got a boring office job in town, so I gotta dress up, you know, the grind.
But I'm really happy, and I really feel like I've matured a lot.
Good! That's I'm happy for you.
Yeah.
So listen, I was sitting in the cubicle the other day, just doing some thinking, and some growing And some maturing.
Yes! Maturing.
And darn it if I don't just miss you, and Andy.
Well, A-Cakes, just let me I love you, and I'm just really sorry for the way that I treated you.
I was the worst boyfriend ever, I know that, and I really think it would behoove us to give it another shot.
Yeah, look.
I'm really happy for you about your job and that you've learned some new words, but I'm sure about my decision.
Okay.
Say no more.
Listen, hit me up on my cell phone.
I'll be around.
And if you wanna talk, or grab coffee or something like that.
Okay? Okay.
Oh.
Gotta get back to the office.
Have a good one.
Good seeing you.
Bye.
And the hardest part about living in this pit is probably keeping my suit pressed.
And the rats.
It's like a freaking rat parade every night.
I just want to be close to her house, because I need to protect her.
'Cause there are some weird people that live around here.
Yeah, if you let penguins get married, where does it end? I mean, would you let me marry my guinea pig? Because I really do want to marry my guinea pig.
I'll take my answer off the air.
I think that's a valuable point.
Attendance is up 30% at the zoo, by the way.
You're welcome.
That penguin wedding was cute, damn it.
And I'm not gonna annul it.
I'd ask you to reconsider.
Well, I'd ask you to stop asking me, because it's not gonna happen, Marcia.
Is that right? Last time I checked, I don't think I murdered anyone, or had an affair, or did drugs! But I apologize.
I apologize for having fun, and for making something cute! Where are you from originally? Oh, no! What did I do? So, you will not be annulling the marriage? No.
I will not be annulling.
No.
Look at them.
They're just in their own little penguin love bubble.
I guess that's what it's like when you meet your mate and know you're gonna be together forever.
Hi! Hi! You know what I realized? What? We're just animals.
We don't know anything about love.
Okay.
Yeah.
I think you should go on that date with Mark.
Oh, Leslie Really, seriously.
I thought about it, and, look, he might not be my gay penguin, but he could be yours.
Look, I told you I'm not going on a date with him.
Okay, fine.
If you don't want to go out with him, don't go out with him.
But don't not do it because of me, because I'm really fine with it.
All that's important to me is that we're still friends.
Me, too! Good! Great.
Plus, I already called him and told him that you were dying to go out with him, so have fun.
Huh? So, I transferred the penguins to a zoo in lowa.
Gay marriage is legal there, so hopefully, they'll be happy.
At least they'll be together.
Oh, look! Six Flags! I should take them on a water slide.
They might die.
But it would be so cute!