Pete Versus Life (2010) s02e01 Episode Script
Mum's Cleaner
Welcome, and you join us with Pete applying for a job as a dog walker.
Bit of a comedown from a sports journalist, Tel.
No, Des Lynam used to supplement his income by stealing copper wiring from railway lines during the football off-season.
No wonder he could walk away from Countdown.
I'm not quite as fit as I was, am I, Glynn? I don't know, I think you still look very sprightly.
Thank you.
Yeah, relatively.
But gone are the days when I used to play golf with Glynn twice a week.
Really? He was very good.
He had a nine handicap.
I bet he can give it a right good old whack.
Not this Glynn! Glynn was my husband.
(LAUGHS) You thought my dog played golf? No, I just thought you were I can just see, he's an extraordinary dog and if any dog was capable of playing golf, it'd be him.
Oh, did you hear that Glynn? Isn't he nice? So, have I got the job? We'll let you know.
All right.
Well, while Pete's waiting for Glynn's decision, he's paying a visit to his mum and dad.
Two weeks ago, Noreen dislocated her shoulder line dancing.
This is Pete's first visit since the incident.
That's pretty shoddy, considering he spent most of last week just watching a box set of Nick Hancock's Football Nightmares.
I bet my football nightmare won't be on there.
What's that? I got caught attacking Alex Ferguson's car with a hammer.
Oh, ho, ho! Now, I'm going to make you a nice cup of tea.
Lovely.
Aren't you going to give your mum a hand? I can manage.
Yeah.
Oh, Mum, any chance of a little toastie? OK.
Thank you.
Oh, excuse.
We've hired Gracja, to help your mum around the house while she's incapacitated.
Hello.
Hello.
How are you? PRESENTER: 'Gracja Dublovski, 'Polish and a student at art college.
' Oh, I get cleaning things? Absolutely.
Oh, Frank, it's your film? Mm? Oh, yes, yes, that's mine.
It's Polish.
Kieslowski's always been one of my favourite directors.
I've always been drawn to the East Europeans, they've always been prepared to take on darker subject matter.
I thought you were more of a Clint Eastwood man.
Well, I like some of Eastwood's work, Unforgiven, Letters From Iwo Jima.
And the ones with the orang-utan.
Here we are.
Hello, Mum.
Dad was saying how much he likes Eastern European filmmakers, because they're not afraid to tackle the darker subject matter.
Yes, but his favourite is Midsomer Murders and he always says, "How can one village have so many murders?" And I always laugh! Noreen, please.
Excuse, I clean upstairs? Yes.
Nice to meet.
Nice to meet you, as well.
Oh, she's a lovely girl.
Pete, you should ask her out.
I mean, she must be a bit lonely, just over from Poland and all that.
And she's a good Catholic girl.
How is that a recommendation? Oh, you go? Yeah.
Shame.
Actually, me and my new flatmate, we're going to have a a party at our house and do you fancy it, do you want to come? Thank you.
Oh yes, would like to come.
That's good.
Frank, isn't that lovely? Very good.
Never play poker, Frank, because that's what's known as a tell.
'Oh, what a result, it looks like Pete's got that dog walking job.
'Throwing a purple plastic pig over his shoulder, 'it's not fulfilling the "walking" part of the job description, is it? 'Oh, my word, what's this? He's heading straight for the A406.
' Ken? Ken! 'Oh, he's forgotten his name.
' Glynn! Glynn! 'This could be bad, Terry.
' Glynn! Oh! 'Oh no, he's gone, Terry, he's just gone.
' Oh no, no, no, no.
It makes you realise how fleeting life is and we should all be living every moment to the full.
And I for one, at the earliest opportunity, I'm going to get myself a full Bupa check-up, the works, I don't care what it costs.
I think you speak for all of us, Colin.
I'm sorry, Mrs Dobbs.
Glynn's dead.
I know.
Really? How? A man from the RAF came, told me he'd been sucked into a jet engine.
Oh no, no, not that Glynn, the dog one.
Oh no! It's OK.
Oh, oh no! PIG MAKES OINKING SOUND So, where is Glynn? Mm? He's in heaven? No, I mean, where's his body? Oh, right.
'This is going to be a tough one, Terry.
' I couldn't find it.
But there can't not be a body.
I think it's best not to think about it.
He's in a better place now, isn't he? Yes.
OK, Mrs Dobbs, I'm going to make a move now.
You know, it's because I'm so completely alone.
I'll miss him putting his head in my lap and saying, "Don't worry, old girl, everything will be all right.
" Sorry, which? 'Yep, best not to know.
' So now, all I've got is Glynn.
What? My goldfish.
Well, they're not exactly partying like it's 1999.
Yeah, more like it's 1649, when infamous fun sponge Oliver Cromwell ruled the land.
There he is, as portrayed by Richard Harris, who, funnily enough, did know how to enjoy himself.
Oh, aye.
Well, this is shit, innit? It's all right, mate, d'you mind if I turn the telly on? No, you can't, it's meant to be a party.
The important thing is not to feel humiliated.
I don't.
But there's no-one here, Pete.
It's like you've literally got no friends.
Hey, I've got an idea, let's all share a secret, it'll be bonding.
I'll go first.
So, I got a massive erection when I saw my grandmother's corpse.
PRESENTER: 'Whoa, no-one saw that one coming.
' DOORBELL Thank Christ for that.
I'll go.
That was just a practice one, hey.
My real secret is that I have a funny middle name.
Oh, what is it? Alan.
Come on in.
PRESENTER: Manfred is Pete's new flatmate, he's taken over from Kurt.
Manfred also hails from Zimbabwe.
His father wanted him out of the country for safety.
Yeah, plus he was getting on his dad's tits.
Peter, she says she's a friend of yours.
Hi.
Gracja, you look amazing.
I wouldn't want to show my mum, but it's very nice.
Thank you.
I designed myself.
I do fashion course at college.
Oh yeah, lovely.
I hope you don't mind, but these my friends.
The more the merrier.
All right, mate? All right? Yeah.
Had a bit of an upsetting day, actually.
This dog I was with ran into the road, got run over and died.
Why you care, it's just dog? PRESENTERS: 'Pete was expecting sympathy 'but these East Europeans are a no-nonsense bunch.
'Well, 50 years of queuing up 'for bread in a blizzard will do that to yer.
' Oh, hi, it's Mick, he's at art school too, he's sculptor.
When I'm not off my fucking tits.
Wey.
Just about to do some crack, d'you fancy a hit? No, thank you.
What? Why not? I'm not really in the mood.
I thought this was a party, not a Boy Scouts meeting.
Oh, Pete not boy scout, are you, Pete? No, no, I'd absolutely love to do some crack, but the truth is, I'm on something else, don't really want to mix it, you know.
What was that, a bit of dope? Heroin.
Heroin? Yeah.
Have you got a bit for me? No, I did the lot.
How much? About a gram.
A gram? Yeah.
Jesus, that was risky, wasn't it? Oh, I'm used to it, mate, I'm just coming down now actually, hence the glass of wine and a cracker, you know, take the edge off.
You need to chill out after a hit like that.
Tell me about it.
Actually, I'll find some cheese to liven up the cracker.
Fair enough.
Oh, heroin, what is like? It's a bit like, having a really nice, warm bath, whilst eating Maltesers.
Maltesers? I like.
Actually, if I can't get hold of my dealer, I just make do with the Maltesers and the hot bath, actually works out cheaper.
I like you.
PRESENTER: 'Snog while sitting on a sausage roll, 'that sort of thing happened at Freddie Mercury's parties.
' Blimey.
Now we go upstairs.
Righto.
Oh, Sonia! It's my friend, she always do this.
Look! I take home.
No, just put her a cab.
No, could drown in own vomit.
Put her in the recovery position and give the driver extra.
Sorry, Pete.
Oh, come on.
But next time I How you say? Screw your brains, is that right, am I saying that right, screw brains? You're getting the gist.
Oh, good, good.
Come on, Sonia, come on, let's get up now.
PRESENTER: 'So, a new day dawns and look at the state of Pete.
'It's a miracle he can walk.
' Manfred, come here.
Someone's nicked our bloody boiler.
Oh, fanny! Mind you, beautiful workmanship, look how those pipes have been prised off.
It'll be one of them Poles.
If he was English, we'd be knee deep in water.
It's a piece of art.
I'll call the filth.
DOORBELL Oh no, it's the door.
What now? Oh.
Oh, hello, Mrs Dobbs.
Are you busy? No, no, come in if you want.
I was just wondering, is there any chance at all Glynn might come back? Is that Glynn the dog or? Yes.
Honestly no, I wish there was but no.
But surely, if the price were right, Glynn might somehow reappear.
I'm not saying the two things would be connected.
No, no, you've got the wrong idea.
I'm just saying, perhaps if you were to receive £1,000? No, Mrs Dobbs, this isn't a matter of money, Glynn really is dead.
There's no need for you to decide straight away, I'm just planting a seed.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Excuse me.
Hello? 'Hello, Pete.
' Hello, Gracja, how are you? 'Your parents house, you come, I screw your brains.
' Brilliant, I'm just with someone at the moment.
I can see you're busy.
Yeah.
I'll see myself out.
OK.
'And, what you do to me?' I'd really like to Bye.
Bye.
'Tell me.
' I'd really like to cum all over your tits.
'Oh, Pete, I like.
' Did you say something? Mm? No.
Oh.
That's a relief.
'Pete, hello.
Pete.
' See you in half an hour.
That's the most excited Pete's ever been about a visit to his parents'.
Find out how he gets on after these.
Welcome back.
Pete's off to a flyer with his Mum and Dad's cleaner, Gracja.
She looks like a feisty one, Colin.
You like? 'Doing it in Mum and Dad's bedroom is the limit of deviance for Pete.
'So this could be a bridge too far.
' Hm? I'm probably all right, you know.
You try.
OK, now I screw your brains.
'And look at his face, Terry - frightened, yet aroused.
' 'Much like Nick Clegg being interviewed by Kirsty Wark.
' Indeed, Terry, but no time to dwell.
(NOREEN) Coo-ee, Gracja, we're home! Shit! 'Oh, my word, it's a disaster.
'Mum and Dad back early from the shops 'and looks at the effect that's had on Pete's genitals.
' Yeah, similar to a puffer fish when it's no longer frightening off a predator.
Pete, desperate to get out of there.
'Oh aye, nobody likes getting caught by Mum and Dad 'handcuffed to the bed.
' 'Particularly Dad.
Come on, Pete! 'In with a chance, if nobody comes upstairs for a minute.
' (FRANK) Just popping upstairs for a widdle.
'Oh no, that's just what he didn't want to hear.
' 'I can hardly watch this, Colin.
' TOILET FLUSHES Hello, Dad.
Oh, Peter, I didn't know you were here.
Yeah, I just popped over to show Gracja my under-14 football cup.
Oh, some very nimble footwork from Pete there, worthy of the great Maradona.
Yeah, before he became a bit, fat cheat.
It's no good, it's not real silver.
We should get going.
Right you are, let me take that.
Can you put that back for me? Thanks.
Quick word, Pete.
You forgot these.
Oh, they're not mine! Well, they certainly don't belong to me and your mother.
It wasn't my idea Dad, she's wild! Don't blame Gracja, be a gentleman about it! She's a freak, man, she's up for anything.
Oh, come off it.
That girl, Gracja, up for anything? Yes.
No, no, I won't have it.
Gracja, up for anything? Gracja? Yes.
Can I have those back? No.
I'm busy next days.
Rehearse graduation show, but you come to show and after, I screw your brains.
And as promised, I'll, you know, on your tits.
Oh, I like.
Naughty boy.
'Oh and look at Frank.
' 'Yeah, it's a terrible thing, like a footballer that can no longer play the game.
' So we pick it up with Pete going back to Mrs Dobbs' house with what looks like Glynn.
It's not Glynn, it's Larry.
Pete's taken the bold step of buying her a new, almost identical dog from a rather scary farmer.
The farmer, who plainly, would just as soon shoot the dog.
Sounds brutal, but in their culture, shooting a dog, quite normal.
So let us not judge them.
Oh, Peter! Hi, Mrs Dobbs.
I know how upset you've been about losing Glynn, so I've taken the liberty of getting you a new dog just like him, he's called Larry.
Glynn! Oh, you brought Glynn back.
Oh, if only Glynn were here to see this.
No, this isn't Glynn.
I've missed you so much.
No, no, Mrs Dobbs, you don't understand, this isn't Glynn, it's a different new dog.
Oh, have you missed me.
Have you? Oh, yes, you have.
Mrs Dobbs, you've got it wrong.
I missed you so much.
No, no, this isn't Glynn, he just looks like Glynn.
Now, did we say ?1,000? What? Didn't we say? 1,000 for Glynn's safe return? Erm Take it.
'This is now a character-defining moment for Pete.
' Oh well, I suppose it wouldn't do any Wait a minute.
This isn't Glynn.
This isn't my dog! Well, that's exactly what I've been trying to tell you! Where's Glynn? What have you done with Glynn? I haven't got Glynn, Glynn died! Impostor.
Come on, Larry.
Peter Griffiths? Yeah.
Is that my boiler? He thinks I nicked it and was trying to sell it, but I wasn't, I was bringing it back to you, wasn't I, Pete? All right, all right, is this true? Gracja said it was OK.
Remember Gracja? Enough.
No, it's true.
He's telling the truth.
There you go.
I see.
Well, I'll leave the matter there, then.
Five-alpha.
What you nick my boiler for? You know what it's like when you need a hit, you'd nick anything! Yeah, but, if you need money and you're already good at plumbing, why don't you just do some plumbing? I've had a bellyful of it.
"The boiler's cutting out.
" "The water's not on in holiday mode.
" I'm sick of 'em all, I'm an artist, and when one of my giant metal ants sells, I can make 60-70 quid apiece.
Surely you can get that an hour, if you just do some plumbing.
Oh, you just don't get it, do you? Are you the dog walker? No, what? We had a report of a dog walker named Pete Griffiths kidnapping a golden retriever.
No, cos I'm actually severely allergic to dogs so Get off.
Stop it.
Mrs Dobbs.
Glynn, you found Glynn! No, no Mrs Dobbs, this isn't Glynn, this is Larry, the replacement dog I bought you, remember? What's this naughty man been doing to you? Can you confirm this is your dog? Oh, yes.
Don't ask her she calls everything Glynn.
He's naughty kidnapping you, wasn't he, Glynn? I didn't Your dog got splattered! If you want the body, it's a patch of fur on the North Circular.
Oh, have him, bloody have him.
You better come with me.
'Of all the things I thought Pete might get a criminal record for, 'kidnapping a dog, only 16th on the list.
'There it is, sandwiched between arson and murder.
' Hang on a minute.
This isn't my dog, this isn't Glynn.
See? I told you her dog was dead.
It would have been really quick, Glynn wouldn't have felt a thing.
Probably not.
It's all right, it's better I know.
Yeah.
You must think me a silly, senile old woman.
Yeah.
At my age, I don't suppose it'll be long before I shall be with Glynn anyway.
Sorry, which? I suppose it doesn't matter, they're both dead.
Mind you, you've still got your lovely little goldfish, haven't you? No, Glynn passed on.
The cat got him.
Oh, no! I'm really sorry to hear that.
I suppose the cat's called Keith.
.
.
Keith.
DOG BARKS 'Oh, my word, that's Glynn the dog, I'd stake my career on it.
' 'Oh, Terry, it's the happy ending we were all hoping for.
' Glynn! It's really you this time.
Oh, hang on, this is Glynn, isn't it? Well, that's Larry.
Glynn's collar says Glynn! Oh! Ah! Yes! Oh, Glynn, Glynn! GLYNN GROWLS OW! Bloody dog, what's your problem? I mean, oh, it's really nice to have you back.
Hi, Glynn.
It is.
Yeah, Glynn within his rights to be angry with Pete, poor supervision skills from the Watford lad in the park.
That's right, and if we take a look at the footage, we can see that what Pete thought was a patch of fur, was actually a flattened-out bag of cement.
Page one mistake.
Aye.
So will you be needing anyone to walk Glynn? No? Yes, you're great, aren't you, Larry? Yes, you are.
We had a dog just like him back in Zimbabwe and he was just as cute as you are, wasn't he? Yes.
But he killed a zebra, so we drowned him.
Well, don't get too attached, I'm going to stick him on eBay later.
MOBILE RINGS Hello, Gracja.
Hey.
'I want your body, Pete.
' Yeah, OK.
Thank you, Pete, you save my life.
That's all right, I always quite fancied being a model.
One of Gracja's student models had to drop out at short notice, after being offered 50 quid cash to cut a hedge.
Well, it's wise to make money now, cos his degree's in drama! And after show, I screw brains for only time.
Yes, what d'you mean only time? I graduate, I go home, I fly in morning.
You're leaving, why? Your economy is fooked.
Oh, the economy will pick up again, it always does.
No.
But this one time tonight, will be best screw of life.
Oh, OK.
'And now, please welcome, the collection of Gracja Dubrovski.
' You on.
OK.
'Well, here he comes wearing a kilt in Cavendish tartan 'and for anyone who missed it, that shirt says, "Priest munch penis big time.
" 'Not one to wear at the christening, Colin.
' 'No indeed, although Pete managing to shake off those early nerves 'and really getting into his stride.
' Peter! Oh, hello, Mum! I'm really sorry, Mum.
I have never been so embarrassed in all my life.
What are you doing here, anyway? We came to support Gracja.
Well, Frank had Googled her and found out about the show.
Yeah, well, I was Googling all sorts, not just Gracja.
Yeah.
Well, I didn't design the clothes did I? All I know is, she was a nice girl before she met you.
D'you know, the other day, him and Gracja were having sex in our room.
We didn't actually have time to have sex.
You had time to put on a pair of handcuffs though.
What else were you going to make her do? What else? What else? Oh, Peter.
Certainly not the sort of thing I was doing at your age.
Pete.
Oh, hello, mate.
Sorry, we're just in the middle of something here.
I wouldn't ask if I had anywhere else to, but I couldn't tap you up for some scag, could I? What are you talking about? Have you got any heroin, you fucking dickhead? Sorry, I'm just a bit you know.
What's going on, Peter? Nothing, nothing.
Why would I have any heroin? You were off your tits on it the other night, you use all the time.
No, I don't.
You did a gram the other night! You have to be hardcore to handle that! No, I didn't.
Honest, Mum.
You were tripping out your skull, you fuck.
Oh, Peter.
Where is it, Pete? I know you've got some! I haven't got any, haven't got any heroin, get off, piss off.
You bastard! God, Jesus Christ, sorry about that.
Oh, Peter.
I knew it.
That's why you've been so listless and unmotivated all these years.
I'm not on drugs, I'm just lazy.
No-one's that lazy.
Look at these marks.
Oh! A dog bit me, you know that one that got run over? You need to go cold turkey.
I'm not going cold turkey, cos I'm not on drugs! You're coming home with us and we'll barricade you in your room, till you've got this evil need out of your system.
Fuck off! You can cut that language out! I have never taken heroin, all right? There'll be a lot of lies like that over the next few days, that's what they do.
Look, I've got things planned this evening, so I'm going to go, all right? See you later.
Gracja Can you undo those, please? The keys are back home, you're coming with us.
No Dad, you don't understand.
It's Gracja's last night and she's promised to No, Peter.
You'll thank us when you're off smack.
Oh, hello, Noreen.
Sorry for show.
I expect it was Peter's fault.
So, Pete, you are ready to go? Yeah, I've just got a little problem We just found out he's a long-standing substance abuser.
I know, he take heroin.
Oh, I say wrong thing.
Oh, there's no need to protect him now, Gracja.
Gracja, d'you think that even like this, me and you could still? Goodbye, Pete.
Get well.
Don't need to get well, I'm fine.
Come on, come on, let's go.
Oh, dear and as Pete is dragged away by his Dad, that image of Gracja and what might have been, will haunt him, if not for the rest of his life, certainly for the next five days, while he's locked in his room, trying to shake off a non-existent heroin addiction.
Oh, he gets up to some tricks doesn't he, Colin, hey? He does, he does.
Mum! Well, that's all we have time for.
Join us again next time when, once again, Pete takes on life.
Bit of a comedown from a sports journalist, Tel.
No, Des Lynam used to supplement his income by stealing copper wiring from railway lines during the football off-season.
No wonder he could walk away from Countdown.
I'm not quite as fit as I was, am I, Glynn? I don't know, I think you still look very sprightly.
Thank you.
Yeah, relatively.
But gone are the days when I used to play golf with Glynn twice a week.
Really? He was very good.
He had a nine handicap.
I bet he can give it a right good old whack.
Not this Glynn! Glynn was my husband.
(LAUGHS) You thought my dog played golf? No, I just thought you were I can just see, he's an extraordinary dog and if any dog was capable of playing golf, it'd be him.
Oh, did you hear that Glynn? Isn't he nice? So, have I got the job? We'll let you know.
All right.
Well, while Pete's waiting for Glynn's decision, he's paying a visit to his mum and dad.
Two weeks ago, Noreen dislocated her shoulder line dancing.
This is Pete's first visit since the incident.
That's pretty shoddy, considering he spent most of last week just watching a box set of Nick Hancock's Football Nightmares.
I bet my football nightmare won't be on there.
What's that? I got caught attacking Alex Ferguson's car with a hammer.
Oh, ho, ho! Now, I'm going to make you a nice cup of tea.
Lovely.
Aren't you going to give your mum a hand? I can manage.
Yeah.
Oh, Mum, any chance of a little toastie? OK.
Thank you.
Oh, excuse.
We've hired Gracja, to help your mum around the house while she's incapacitated.
Hello.
Hello.
How are you? PRESENTER: 'Gracja Dublovski, 'Polish and a student at art college.
' Oh, I get cleaning things? Absolutely.
Oh, Frank, it's your film? Mm? Oh, yes, yes, that's mine.
It's Polish.
Kieslowski's always been one of my favourite directors.
I've always been drawn to the East Europeans, they've always been prepared to take on darker subject matter.
I thought you were more of a Clint Eastwood man.
Well, I like some of Eastwood's work, Unforgiven, Letters From Iwo Jima.
And the ones with the orang-utan.
Here we are.
Hello, Mum.
Dad was saying how much he likes Eastern European filmmakers, because they're not afraid to tackle the darker subject matter.
Yes, but his favourite is Midsomer Murders and he always says, "How can one village have so many murders?" And I always laugh! Noreen, please.
Excuse, I clean upstairs? Yes.
Nice to meet.
Nice to meet you, as well.
Oh, she's a lovely girl.
Pete, you should ask her out.
I mean, she must be a bit lonely, just over from Poland and all that.
And she's a good Catholic girl.
How is that a recommendation? Oh, you go? Yeah.
Shame.
Actually, me and my new flatmate, we're going to have a a party at our house and do you fancy it, do you want to come? Thank you.
Oh yes, would like to come.
That's good.
Frank, isn't that lovely? Very good.
Never play poker, Frank, because that's what's known as a tell.
'Oh, what a result, it looks like Pete's got that dog walking job.
'Throwing a purple plastic pig over his shoulder, 'it's not fulfilling the "walking" part of the job description, is it? 'Oh, my word, what's this? He's heading straight for the A406.
' Ken? Ken! 'Oh, he's forgotten his name.
' Glynn! Glynn! 'This could be bad, Terry.
' Glynn! Oh! 'Oh no, he's gone, Terry, he's just gone.
' Oh no, no, no, no.
It makes you realise how fleeting life is and we should all be living every moment to the full.
And I for one, at the earliest opportunity, I'm going to get myself a full Bupa check-up, the works, I don't care what it costs.
I think you speak for all of us, Colin.
I'm sorry, Mrs Dobbs.
Glynn's dead.
I know.
Really? How? A man from the RAF came, told me he'd been sucked into a jet engine.
Oh no, no, not that Glynn, the dog one.
Oh no! It's OK.
Oh, oh no! PIG MAKES OINKING SOUND So, where is Glynn? Mm? He's in heaven? No, I mean, where's his body? Oh, right.
'This is going to be a tough one, Terry.
' I couldn't find it.
But there can't not be a body.
I think it's best not to think about it.
He's in a better place now, isn't he? Yes.
OK, Mrs Dobbs, I'm going to make a move now.
You know, it's because I'm so completely alone.
I'll miss him putting his head in my lap and saying, "Don't worry, old girl, everything will be all right.
" Sorry, which? 'Yep, best not to know.
' So now, all I've got is Glynn.
What? My goldfish.
Well, they're not exactly partying like it's 1999.
Yeah, more like it's 1649, when infamous fun sponge Oliver Cromwell ruled the land.
There he is, as portrayed by Richard Harris, who, funnily enough, did know how to enjoy himself.
Oh, aye.
Well, this is shit, innit? It's all right, mate, d'you mind if I turn the telly on? No, you can't, it's meant to be a party.
The important thing is not to feel humiliated.
I don't.
But there's no-one here, Pete.
It's like you've literally got no friends.
Hey, I've got an idea, let's all share a secret, it'll be bonding.
I'll go first.
So, I got a massive erection when I saw my grandmother's corpse.
PRESENTER: 'Whoa, no-one saw that one coming.
' DOORBELL Thank Christ for that.
I'll go.
That was just a practice one, hey.
My real secret is that I have a funny middle name.
Oh, what is it? Alan.
Come on in.
PRESENTER: Manfred is Pete's new flatmate, he's taken over from Kurt.
Manfred also hails from Zimbabwe.
His father wanted him out of the country for safety.
Yeah, plus he was getting on his dad's tits.
Peter, she says she's a friend of yours.
Hi.
Gracja, you look amazing.
I wouldn't want to show my mum, but it's very nice.
Thank you.
I designed myself.
I do fashion course at college.
Oh yeah, lovely.
I hope you don't mind, but these my friends.
The more the merrier.
All right, mate? All right? Yeah.
Had a bit of an upsetting day, actually.
This dog I was with ran into the road, got run over and died.
Why you care, it's just dog? PRESENTERS: 'Pete was expecting sympathy 'but these East Europeans are a no-nonsense bunch.
'Well, 50 years of queuing up 'for bread in a blizzard will do that to yer.
' Oh, hi, it's Mick, he's at art school too, he's sculptor.
When I'm not off my fucking tits.
Wey.
Just about to do some crack, d'you fancy a hit? No, thank you.
What? Why not? I'm not really in the mood.
I thought this was a party, not a Boy Scouts meeting.
Oh, Pete not boy scout, are you, Pete? No, no, I'd absolutely love to do some crack, but the truth is, I'm on something else, don't really want to mix it, you know.
What was that, a bit of dope? Heroin.
Heroin? Yeah.
Have you got a bit for me? No, I did the lot.
How much? About a gram.
A gram? Yeah.
Jesus, that was risky, wasn't it? Oh, I'm used to it, mate, I'm just coming down now actually, hence the glass of wine and a cracker, you know, take the edge off.
You need to chill out after a hit like that.
Tell me about it.
Actually, I'll find some cheese to liven up the cracker.
Fair enough.
Oh, heroin, what is like? It's a bit like, having a really nice, warm bath, whilst eating Maltesers.
Maltesers? I like.
Actually, if I can't get hold of my dealer, I just make do with the Maltesers and the hot bath, actually works out cheaper.
I like you.
PRESENTER: 'Snog while sitting on a sausage roll, 'that sort of thing happened at Freddie Mercury's parties.
' Blimey.
Now we go upstairs.
Righto.
Oh, Sonia! It's my friend, she always do this.
Look! I take home.
No, just put her a cab.
No, could drown in own vomit.
Put her in the recovery position and give the driver extra.
Sorry, Pete.
Oh, come on.
But next time I How you say? Screw your brains, is that right, am I saying that right, screw brains? You're getting the gist.
Oh, good, good.
Come on, Sonia, come on, let's get up now.
PRESENTER: 'So, a new day dawns and look at the state of Pete.
'It's a miracle he can walk.
' Manfred, come here.
Someone's nicked our bloody boiler.
Oh, fanny! Mind you, beautiful workmanship, look how those pipes have been prised off.
It'll be one of them Poles.
If he was English, we'd be knee deep in water.
It's a piece of art.
I'll call the filth.
DOORBELL Oh no, it's the door.
What now? Oh.
Oh, hello, Mrs Dobbs.
Are you busy? No, no, come in if you want.
I was just wondering, is there any chance at all Glynn might come back? Is that Glynn the dog or? Yes.
Honestly no, I wish there was but no.
But surely, if the price were right, Glynn might somehow reappear.
I'm not saying the two things would be connected.
No, no, you've got the wrong idea.
I'm just saying, perhaps if you were to receive £1,000? No, Mrs Dobbs, this isn't a matter of money, Glynn really is dead.
There's no need for you to decide straight away, I'm just planting a seed.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Excuse me.
Hello? 'Hello, Pete.
' Hello, Gracja, how are you? 'Your parents house, you come, I screw your brains.
' Brilliant, I'm just with someone at the moment.
I can see you're busy.
Yeah.
I'll see myself out.
OK.
'And, what you do to me?' I'd really like to Bye.
Bye.
'Tell me.
' I'd really like to cum all over your tits.
'Oh, Pete, I like.
' Did you say something? Mm? No.
Oh.
That's a relief.
'Pete, hello.
Pete.
' See you in half an hour.
That's the most excited Pete's ever been about a visit to his parents'.
Find out how he gets on after these.
Welcome back.
Pete's off to a flyer with his Mum and Dad's cleaner, Gracja.
She looks like a feisty one, Colin.
You like? 'Doing it in Mum and Dad's bedroom is the limit of deviance for Pete.
'So this could be a bridge too far.
' Hm? I'm probably all right, you know.
You try.
OK, now I screw your brains.
'And look at his face, Terry - frightened, yet aroused.
' 'Much like Nick Clegg being interviewed by Kirsty Wark.
' Indeed, Terry, but no time to dwell.
(NOREEN) Coo-ee, Gracja, we're home! Shit! 'Oh, my word, it's a disaster.
'Mum and Dad back early from the shops 'and looks at the effect that's had on Pete's genitals.
' Yeah, similar to a puffer fish when it's no longer frightening off a predator.
Pete, desperate to get out of there.
'Oh aye, nobody likes getting caught by Mum and Dad 'handcuffed to the bed.
' 'Particularly Dad.
Come on, Pete! 'In with a chance, if nobody comes upstairs for a minute.
' (FRANK) Just popping upstairs for a widdle.
'Oh no, that's just what he didn't want to hear.
' 'I can hardly watch this, Colin.
' TOILET FLUSHES Hello, Dad.
Oh, Peter, I didn't know you were here.
Yeah, I just popped over to show Gracja my under-14 football cup.
Oh, some very nimble footwork from Pete there, worthy of the great Maradona.
Yeah, before he became a bit, fat cheat.
It's no good, it's not real silver.
We should get going.
Right you are, let me take that.
Can you put that back for me? Thanks.
Quick word, Pete.
You forgot these.
Oh, they're not mine! Well, they certainly don't belong to me and your mother.
It wasn't my idea Dad, she's wild! Don't blame Gracja, be a gentleman about it! She's a freak, man, she's up for anything.
Oh, come off it.
That girl, Gracja, up for anything? Yes.
No, no, I won't have it.
Gracja, up for anything? Gracja? Yes.
Can I have those back? No.
I'm busy next days.
Rehearse graduation show, but you come to show and after, I screw your brains.
And as promised, I'll, you know, on your tits.
Oh, I like.
Naughty boy.
'Oh and look at Frank.
' 'Yeah, it's a terrible thing, like a footballer that can no longer play the game.
' So we pick it up with Pete going back to Mrs Dobbs' house with what looks like Glynn.
It's not Glynn, it's Larry.
Pete's taken the bold step of buying her a new, almost identical dog from a rather scary farmer.
The farmer, who plainly, would just as soon shoot the dog.
Sounds brutal, but in their culture, shooting a dog, quite normal.
So let us not judge them.
Oh, Peter! Hi, Mrs Dobbs.
I know how upset you've been about losing Glynn, so I've taken the liberty of getting you a new dog just like him, he's called Larry.
Glynn! Oh, you brought Glynn back.
Oh, if only Glynn were here to see this.
No, this isn't Glynn.
I've missed you so much.
No, no, Mrs Dobbs, you don't understand, this isn't Glynn, it's a different new dog.
Oh, have you missed me.
Have you? Oh, yes, you have.
Mrs Dobbs, you've got it wrong.
I missed you so much.
No, no, this isn't Glynn, he just looks like Glynn.
Now, did we say ?1,000? What? Didn't we say? 1,000 for Glynn's safe return? Erm Take it.
'This is now a character-defining moment for Pete.
' Oh well, I suppose it wouldn't do any Wait a minute.
This isn't Glynn.
This isn't my dog! Well, that's exactly what I've been trying to tell you! Where's Glynn? What have you done with Glynn? I haven't got Glynn, Glynn died! Impostor.
Come on, Larry.
Peter Griffiths? Yeah.
Is that my boiler? He thinks I nicked it and was trying to sell it, but I wasn't, I was bringing it back to you, wasn't I, Pete? All right, all right, is this true? Gracja said it was OK.
Remember Gracja? Enough.
No, it's true.
He's telling the truth.
There you go.
I see.
Well, I'll leave the matter there, then.
Five-alpha.
What you nick my boiler for? You know what it's like when you need a hit, you'd nick anything! Yeah, but, if you need money and you're already good at plumbing, why don't you just do some plumbing? I've had a bellyful of it.
"The boiler's cutting out.
" "The water's not on in holiday mode.
" I'm sick of 'em all, I'm an artist, and when one of my giant metal ants sells, I can make 60-70 quid apiece.
Surely you can get that an hour, if you just do some plumbing.
Oh, you just don't get it, do you? Are you the dog walker? No, what? We had a report of a dog walker named Pete Griffiths kidnapping a golden retriever.
No, cos I'm actually severely allergic to dogs so Get off.
Stop it.
Mrs Dobbs.
Glynn, you found Glynn! No, no Mrs Dobbs, this isn't Glynn, this is Larry, the replacement dog I bought you, remember? What's this naughty man been doing to you? Can you confirm this is your dog? Oh, yes.
Don't ask her she calls everything Glynn.
He's naughty kidnapping you, wasn't he, Glynn? I didn't Your dog got splattered! If you want the body, it's a patch of fur on the North Circular.
Oh, have him, bloody have him.
You better come with me.
'Of all the things I thought Pete might get a criminal record for, 'kidnapping a dog, only 16th on the list.
'There it is, sandwiched between arson and murder.
' Hang on a minute.
This isn't my dog, this isn't Glynn.
See? I told you her dog was dead.
It would have been really quick, Glynn wouldn't have felt a thing.
Probably not.
It's all right, it's better I know.
Yeah.
You must think me a silly, senile old woman.
Yeah.
At my age, I don't suppose it'll be long before I shall be with Glynn anyway.
Sorry, which? I suppose it doesn't matter, they're both dead.
Mind you, you've still got your lovely little goldfish, haven't you? No, Glynn passed on.
The cat got him.
Oh, no! I'm really sorry to hear that.
I suppose the cat's called Keith.
.
.
Keith.
DOG BARKS 'Oh, my word, that's Glynn the dog, I'd stake my career on it.
' 'Oh, Terry, it's the happy ending we were all hoping for.
' Glynn! It's really you this time.
Oh, hang on, this is Glynn, isn't it? Well, that's Larry.
Glynn's collar says Glynn! Oh! Ah! Yes! Oh, Glynn, Glynn! GLYNN GROWLS OW! Bloody dog, what's your problem? I mean, oh, it's really nice to have you back.
Hi, Glynn.
It is.
Yeah, Glynn within his rights to be angry with Pete, poor supervision skills from the Watford lad in the park.
That's right, and if we take a look at the footage, we can see that what Pete thought was a patch of fur, was actually a flattened-out bag of cement.
Page one mistake.
Aye.
So will you be needing anyone to walk Glynn? No? Yes, you're great, aren't you, Larry? Yes, you are.
We had a dog just like him back in Zimbabwe and he was just as cute as you are, wasn't he? Yes.
But he killed a zebra, so we drowned him.
Well, don't get too attached, I'm going to stick him on eBay later.
MOBILE RINGS Hello, Gracja.
Hey.
'I want your body, Pete.
' Yeah, OK.
Thank you, Pete, you save my life.
That's all right, I always quite fancied being a model.
One of Gracja's student models had to drop out at short notice, after being offered 50 quid cash to cut a hedge.
Well, it's wise to make money now, cos his degree's in drama! And after show, I screw brains for only time.
Yes, what d'you mean only time? I graduate, I go home, I fly in morning.
You're leaving, why? Your economy is fooked.
Oh, the economy will pick up again, it always does.
No.
But this one time tonight, will be best screw of life.
Oh, OK.
'And now, please welcome, the collection of Gracja Dubrovski.
' You on.
OK.
'Well, here he comes wearing a kilt in Cavendish tartan 'and for anyone who missed it, that shirt says, "Priest munch penis big time.
" 'Not one to wear at the christening, Colin.
' 'No indeed, although Pete managing to shake off those early nerves 'and really getting into his stride.
' Peter! Oh, hello, Mum! I'm really sorry, Mum.
I have never been so embarrassed in all my life.
What are you doing here, anyway? We came to support Gracja.
Well, Frank had Googled her and found out about the show.
Yeah, well, I was Googling all sorts, not just Gracja.
Yeah.
Well, I didn't design the clothes did I? All I know is, she was a nice girl before she met you.
D'you know, the other day, him and Gracja were having sex in our room.
We didn't actually have time to have sex.
You had time to put on a pair of handcuffs though.
What else were you going to make her do? What else? What else? Oh, Peter.
Certainly not the sort of thing I was doing at your age.
Pete.
Oh, hello, mate.
Sorry, we're just in the middle of something here.
I wouldn't ask if I had anywhere else to, but I couldn't tap you up for some scag, could I? What are you talking about? Have you got any heroin, you fucking dickhead? Sorry, I'm just a bit you know.
What's going on, Peter? Nothing, nothing.
Why would I have any heroin? You were off your tits on it the other night, you use all the time.
No, I don't.
You did a gram the other night! You have to be hardcore to handle that! No, I didn't.
Honest, Mum.
You were tripping out your skull, you fuck.
Oh, Peter.
Where is it, Pete? I know you've got some! I haven't got any, haven't got any heroin, get off, piss off.
You bastard! God, Jesus Christ, sorry about that.
Oh, Peter.
I knew it.
That's why you've been so listless and unmotivated all these years.
I'm not on drugs, I'm just lazy.
No-one's that lazy.
Look at these marks.
Oh! A dog bit me, you know that one that got run over? You need to go cold turkey.
I'm not going cold turkey, cos I'm not on drugs! You're coming home with us and we'll barricade you in your room, till you've got this evil need out of your system.
Fuck off! You can cut that language out! I have never taken heroin, all right? There'll be a lot of lies like that over the next few days, that's what they do.
Look, I've got things planned this evening, so I'm going to go, all right? See you later.
Gracja Can you undo those, please? The keys are back home, you're coming with us.
No Dad, you don't understand.
It's Gracja's last night and she's promised to No, Peter.
You'll thank us when you're off smack.
Oh, hello, Noreen.
Sorry for show.
I expect it was Peter's fault.
So, Pete, you are ready to go? Yeah, I've just got a little problem We just found out he's a long-standing substance abuser.
I know, he take heroin.
Oh, I say wrong thing.
Oh, there's no need to protect him now, Gracja.
Gracja, d'you think that even like this, me and you could still? Goodbye, Pete.
Get well.
Don't need to get well, I'm fine.
Come on, come on, let's go.
Oh, dear and as Pete is dragged away by his Dad, that image of Gracja and what might have been, will haunt him, if not for the rest of his life, certainly for the next five days, while he's locked in his room, trying to shake off a non-existent heroin addiction.
Oh, he gets up to some tricks doesn't he, Colin, hey? He does, he does.
Mum! Well, that's all we have time for.
Join us again next time when, once again, Pete takes on life.