Please Like Me (2013) s02e01 Episode Script

I am doing a bad job.
I am doing a bad, bad job tonight.
It can't be that bad.
Just relax.
No, no, I will not relax.
I will not relax.
- What happened? - OK, so I was talking to this guy and he was attractive right? I guess, and things got dull so I told him about Mickey.
- Of course.
- Of course.
- Who's Mickey? - Oh, my God, Patrick, I cannot believe you don't know this.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend.
His name was Mickey.
My dad was like super cute, always played along with it until one day I sat my dad down and, I don't know why, I told my dad that my imaginary friend touched me.
- (Laughs) That's a great story.
- It's the best story.
- The boy didn't respond well? - Nup, night's ruined.
It's finished.
I'm too sad.
I can't have fun anymore.
I'm too sad.
I can't be happy with all this - this stuff going on.
- Just because of the boy? Not just 'cause of the boy, OK.
'Cause of this stuff, you know.
The stuff.
What stuff? North Korea, I don't know.
OK, - don't take this personally - But I'm a person, Tom.
I think maybe the reason people don't respond to you well in nightclubs is because of your sad-as-shit face.
(Gasps) I mean, wow! I mean, that is personal.
Isn't it? That is very personal.
- Very personal, Tom.
- It's very personal.
You just have a weird energy in nightclubs.
You suck all the fun out.
You should behave more like Patrick.
- Yeah.
- What? Why? - You're very cool.
- I'm not cool.
You're so cool, you're so comfortable with yourself.
Hanging out with your cool gang.
- I just don't think I'm cool.
- Fuck off! What gang, by the way? I don't have a gang.
- (Laughs obnoxiously) - Not tonight.
- Where's Patrick's gang? - Where's his gang? - Where's his little gang gone? - And now I remember why I don't go out with you guys that often.
What do you want to talk about? What would your cool friends talk about? Harley-Davidsons? Ah, you talk about hip-hop music.
- Quinoa.
- Quinoa, yeah.
(Sighs) OK, - we can cheer you up.
- You're saying that now, although in five minutes, you'll just be off kissing some girl.
- So surprisingly good at that.
- Why is that surprising? - It's not that surprising.
- Oh, fuck off! I have moves.
Tom, they only kiss you because you look achievable.
Yeah, that's a move.
Do you guys have a lighter? No, Patrick.
No, we do not have a lighter.
Cool dude Patrick lighting one of his cool dude cigarettes.
Cigarettes are disgusting, OK.
You smell so horrible, always.
Smooth.
Too much, yeah? Too much telling him that he smells horrible.
You are overcompensating very hard to hide your love.
Yeah.
Remember when you told him to fuck off? - Shut up, OK.
- Twice.
Hey, Patrick.
Hi.
- What are you doing? - I'm marketing you.
I'm gonna find you someone to love.
Nup, I think the darkness was my friend.
No, it's like point of sale.
It's like how they make You're just going to attract moths.
I just want to dance, OK.
Can we please just fucking dance? I'll be fine Oh, yeah, you know I will My mother's gonna turn a blind eye Yeah Oh, yeah.
(Theme music) Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah Ooh Oh, yeah Oh, the good Lord knows it Oh, the good Lord knows it I leave the devil behind I'll be fine Yeah, yeah, yeah Make my mama turn another blind eye Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I left better behind I'll be fine.
Did your sluts leave? Tom had quite a night.
She kept telling me I was evil.
- Over and over and over.
- Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I could hear it.
It was terrifying.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I promise I didn't do anything bad.
Patrick? He was hot, yeah? Nup, I couldn't look past the bandana.
It was alright, wasn't it? It was, like, ironic.
Tom, what could the irony in a bandana be? That he's wearing it even though he isn't undergoing chemotherapy? - The guy was an idiot.
- Well, I liked the bandana boy.
OK, I'm gonna make some tea.
Do you guys want some tea? - Yes.
- Nah, I'm gonna go back to sleep.
OK.
I thought you were making tea.
I'm not making tea for just you and me.
That's ridiculous.
Of course.
My Josh is gay and he says that Oprah isn't good for people because she keeps telling everyone they can be better and they probably can't be better, can they? He says that everybody seems to think it's really good to be aspirational but what we need is more people to believe it's really good just to be satisfied and he thinks that that's what's wrong and he blames Oprah for that.
I mean, I don't blame Oprah for that.
I mean, it must be really hard to do what she did while she was struggling with those weight issues.
I think she probably had a thyroid problem.
Well Ha! You know, we talk about Oprah.
I mean, she's finished now, isn't she? It's all Ellen now.
Do you know I can't watch that much dancing.
He loves Ellen, loves her.
It's 'cause he's gay.
You know I think what the problem is? I think everyone is scared of living.
Like, they're scared of their bodies and they're of what people that they don't care about might think of it and because they're scared they consume stuff.
And then because of that, the environment's got no chance and then, like, you know, the polar bears.
Those polar bears have got no chance, the poor things.
Everybody's just a stupid, whining, little bitch.
Scared that cake will make them fat and they're scared of gluten.
(Laughs) Fuck, they're scared of bread.
(Laughs) And peanuts! What is that? Peanuts, it's ludicrous.
The world's gone completely mad.
And they're scared of sex.
They're scared that people might think they're a slut or they're gonna get gonorrhoea and they're scared of love because they think, 'Oh, yeah, someone's going to break my heart.
' Or they're gonna break somebody else's heart.
Oh, that's pretty deep, isn't it? Everyone's terrified, all the time.
It's just I mean, I'm not terrified, it's not me.
I'm fine, look I'm really In fact, I'm really good, I'm really good.
It's great to be me, warts and farts and all.
It's really satisfying.
It's good to be you too, you know? Can I get a green tea? Yeah, yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys.
Ah, Josh.
G'day, g'day.
Josh.
- Hey, little lady.
- You want to pick her up? Oh, no, no, no, that's alright.
I'm good, I'm fine over here.
No, no, no, pick her up.
Pick her up.
No, I don't trust myself with her, I'm scared I'll break her.
You can't break them, Josh.
I drop her all the time, Josh.
Go on, pick her up.
I'm just intimidated by her blank, judgemental face.
Oh, rubbish.
She is your sister.
She loves you.
'I love you, Josh.
' Alright, here we go.
Are you ready? - Hey.
- Come here.
Bend down.
Oh, yay! Oh.
(Laughs) Hey.
Do you have the brain capacity to understand love? Ooh! - Oh, jeez.
- Is that enough? - Are we done now? - I have to feed her anyway.
Where are you gonna do that? I'm going into the restroom, OK? Yeah, do you need a hand? What exactly is your plan to help me breastfeed, Alan? You still at uni? Yeah.
- Why wouldn't I be? - I don't know, you don't tell me much anymore.
Yeah, that's not a new thing.
Josh, look, I just wanted to talk today - about Grace.
- OK.
Her being here doesn't change anything between us.
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
Where is this coming from? It's just that I just want you to know that, you know, we can still hang out.
I'm still available, - I'm still your Dad, OK.
- (Laughs) OK, yeah.
Hanging out the exact same amount, alright.
Any time we're not hanging out, that's not Grace's fault.
I know, but I just don't want you getting jealous.
(Laughs) I can't imagine OK, you obviously don't want to talk about it.
Alright, no, it's alright.
It's alright.
- Um, have you found a job? - Nah, I'm studying.
- You've been studying for five years.
- Yeah, I changed courses.
I'm not even sure what a degree in Creative Industries actually qualifies you for.
Like, which creative industry? Film, design, dance? All of them, any of them, you know.
- It's a multi-skilled course.
- I've never seen you dance.
Well, that's a shame because I'm very graceful.
I'm a beautiful dancer.
Have you been seeing your mum? - Yeah, heaps.
- How is she? Good.
Yeah, I mean, you know She doesn't have any friends or hobbies or purpose but other than that, you know, she's good.
Why aren't you more involved with your sister? Oh, wow, I mean, you really have quite a list of things to talk about.
Get involved, get involved.
I don't know how to interact with her at the moment, alright.
I'll get involved when she has more to offer.
- Really, when will that be? - Ah, when she's 16.
When she needs someone to buy her alcohol, I guess and some vodka.
- You're gonna babysit.
- I'm gonna what now? - Babysit.
- Oh, no.
I mean, that's a bad idea, isn't it? - It's a good idea.
- I don't have the skills.
It'll be good for you, you need some responsibility.
Shit for Grace, though.
Is that a problem? - No? - You're doing it.
I'm not doing it.
I don't need responsibility.
I don't need BABY responsibility.
That's not my choice, that's your choice.
- Shut up, Mae's coming.
- What sort of choice? Shhh.
So are you going to babysit? - I need a night out, Josh, please? - Yeah, of course.
I mean, anything for you, Mae.
I don't think I've ever been in a room with a baby and no adults before.
Aw, she's so cute.
Is she? I just can't get my head around the fact that I could make a child.
Yeah, every time I look at my sperm, it doesn't seem that magical.
Do you know what I mean? It never looks that impressive.
I think at best, mine would make a Tamagotchi.
I can't wait to be a dad.
I just think I love her as much as I'm meant to love her.
- She's your sister.
- Hmm She doesn't look like my sister.
(Knocking and barking) Hey, guys.
BOTH: Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Aww! Josh, is that your sister? - Kind of.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, she's so cute.
I want one.
Don't you guys just want one? ALL: No.
Yeah, you do.
You said, 'I want to be a dad.
' (As Niamh) 'She's so cute.
' (As Tom) 'She's so cute.
' OK, we're gonna go to my room.
Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
I've got a surprise.
Hang on.
I'll be one moment.
We're just friends.
I told her I don't want a girlfriend.
Oh, God, no, - we know this is awful.
- I told her, it's her choice.
No, you know she's in love with you and that her love-feelings stop her from making reasonable choices.
Yeah, like, every time you finish having sex with her, she definitely just feels sad.
Are you OK with that? That your sex makes her feel sad? Sex is meant to make people feel, like, - quite nice.
- I'm not responsible for her decisions! If Claire had broken up with you, you would agree to anything to have sex with her again one last time.
Can we not talk about Claire breaking up with Tom again, please? No-one broke up with anyone.
She just got a job in Germany, OK? OK.
Niamh's fine, trust me, I know her.
It's just so grim.
(Laughter) Would you like to see the wine list.
- Ahh, are we drinking? - Yes, we need alcohol.
Champagne, lots of champagne.
Do we need lots, Mae? I didn't spend all day on the breast pump so we can come out and not get drunk.
I know, but what if there's a problem with Josh and Grace.
Maybe I should stay sober.
I am going to order a bottle of champagne.
Josh is not an idiot and I have not been able to fit into this dress for almost a year.
Well argued.
Cheapest bottle of champagne.
Yeah, and we're gonna need some oysters.
(Both giggle) Are you ready? - Yeah - Come in.
Oh, my God.
You built a fort.
Do you like it? - It's amazing.
- Go in.
Come on, come in.
- How was work? - It was good, yeah.
Did you know that if a cat has a deformed baby then the mum eats the baby? Isn't that crazy? I just don't know why people let cats into their house.
Fucking crazy, man.
That is fucking crazy.
Could you just move just a little bit more outside the door? There's no smoke getting in.
Smoking in front of that baby seems very crass though, doesn't it? Don't through it on the ground.
That's illegal drugs.
I think I might invite this boy over, though.
Oh, good for you, yeah.
Another another win.
What? What's wrong? Just scared that we're gonna get stuff in Josh's cushions.
(Laughs) We'll just throw them out.
(Grunts) Here, that one.
What? What's wrong? Er, it's just really hurting my knees.
Right.
Can we just go on the bed? - Ah, yeah.
Yeah, we can.
- Is that alright? Yeah, that's fine.
- You sure? - Yeah, just It's fine.
Go, go.
(Barking) Josh.
Hey.
- Is that a portrait of your dog? - Yeah.
Is it true that those dogs at the airport are addicted to drugs - and always looking for their next hit? - Yes yep, they're addicted to drugs.
To all of the drugs.
Also exotic fruit.
- Come on.
- OK.
Just can't get enough persimmon.
I'll see you.
- Cool baby.
- Thank you.
Mango, passionfruit, meth.
Cumquats.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
(Laughs) Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear (Laughs) - Happy birthday - (Whispers) It's not my birthday, Alan.
Thank you, thank you.
(Laughs) Oi! Oh, no.
Oh, Gracie.
Oh, why did I look? I knew, didn't I? I knew.
What am I gonna do? What are we gonna do? Hey.
OK, yeah.
OK.
Is it weird for you having to see you brother naked? You must get pretty sick of people doing weird stuff in front of you all the time, just 'cause they think you won't remember.
I mean, you must remember, right? Otherwise you wouldn't ever learn anything.
OK, here's the plan: I'm gonna try not to look grossed out while I take your pants off, OK, because that feels like the beginning of you having body issues, right? If everyone for the first two years of your life looks disgusted every time they take your pants off.
I mean, that's pretty fucked, right? OK.
Oh, wowser! That is disgusting, isn't it? That is that is awful.
That is Hey, but that's alright.
I'm disgusting too.
You know, we're all we're all disgusting.
Everybody poops, hey! What a good little girl.
That's a good life lesson, yeah.
Everyone's disgusting.
(Sighs) I'll get you a towel.
(Laughs) Such a gentleman.
It's a bit damp but it's OK.
Thanks.
(Sighs) Did you know that if a cat's mum has a deformed baby, it will just eat that baby? I definitely would've been eaten if I was a cat.
I threw up non-stop for four weeks when I was a baby.
How romantic.
- Hey.
- Hmm? You're alright with us having sex, yeah? Well, yeah, it's fun.
Well, you know I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment.
Yeah.
I'm just - I'm just not really ready for it after Claire.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I know, Tom.
It's it's fine.
OK.
Good.
Hey.
Ooh.
BOTH: * Whatever I said * * Whatever I did * I didn't mean it I just want you back for good Want you back I want you you back BOTH: * I want you back for good * Whatever I'm from Just give me the song and I will sing it I'll be right and understood Want you back I just want you back for good.
(Baby cries) Hey, now.
Is that your baby? No, it's my sister.
Oh, my God, Patrick, when we were in the shower, she sucked my nipple.
I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm her mum.
That's fucking awesome.
- Pretty good, right? - That's gross.
(Barking) - You done with the shower? - Oh, yeah, there's no hot water.
Wow, this is adorable.
Oh, thank God.
- Hey, guys.
- Aw, mate, look.
I told you you could look after her.
You are not a retard, Josh.
That's not a word you're allowed to say.
- Was everything OK? - Yeah, fine, I didn't know what to do when she pooped so we had a shower.
- Google said it was fine, OK.
- I dress her for you.
OK.
You have made me so proud tonight, son.
So, so, so proud.
Thanks.
OK.
Oh, you've you're having a party.
No, it's not a party, it's just two guests at the same time.
- That's not a party.
- It smells like marijuana.
No, it doesn't.
You don't know what marijuana smells like.
- Hey, Alan.
- Hey, Niamh.
Your daughter is so beautiful.
I mean She looks so like Josh, don't you think? - (Knocking) - Oh, yeah - Oh, Mum, hey.
- (Laughs) Ta-da.
Yep.
Wow! - Can you believe how hot I look? - Wow, your hair and this puppy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I've called him Velvet 'cause he's so soft.
- You know, touch him, touch him.
- Hey, buddy.
Now Josh I've had a makeover and there's just new beginnings.
Just, oh, new beginnings! Dad and Mae are here.
Oh, terrific! Oh, love you, OK? I am in love with you.
Hi, everybody! Oh, terrific, hello! - Oh, hi, Mae! - Mum bought a puppy, huh? Oh, I have got to go to the loo, I'm gonna piss my pants.
Can I touch it? I wanna touch it.
- Let's get out of here.
- Is she OK? Yeah, she's fine, let's just take Grace and go.
What do you think she's gonna do to Grace? I don't know, I just wanna go.
That was quick.
Tom, it was false alarm.
That was your fault, Josh.
Pregnancy buggers your bladder.
It's completely ruined even now.
You finding that, Mae? - Ruins everything.
- (Laughs) Of course it does.
I'm gonna go.
Gimme a call later, OK? No, no, no, no, don't go, no, no, don't go, please.
I've got something to say to everybody.
Ooh, who are you?! I'm Patrick's friend.
Oh, right.
Boyfriends? - No.
- No.
Oh, well, how long have you known each other? - OK, Mum.
- Ah, yeah, no, I got it.
I got it, I got it.
OK, guys, I think maybe it's time for everyone to go, yeah? Me and Mum are gonna hang out.
Maybe we can wrap this up.
No, why are you dressed What sort of party are we having? No, it's not a party, is it? It's just two guests at the same time, some of the guests in towels.
And you're bristling because Patrick's got a boy here.
- No.
- And you're really in love with Patrick, yeah? No, I'm not in love with I'm not in love with you.
Oh, Gracie, oh, Gracie.
- You cute little dim sum-jum-jum - OK OK.
Actually, Rose, we were just leaving.
Oh, no, no, I have got something to say.
I have had a breakthrough.
- Oh, Niamh! - Hey, Rose.
Are you still in this group? I like your hair, Rose.
Oh, well, your opinion doesn't really mean that much to me, but (Whispers) Are you still going out with her? - Sort of.
- Not really.
Oh, Niamh, I have to say, I admire your perseverance.
Rose! What did you want to tell us? Oh! Yes, look, um Look, the other day, I saw a dog get run over and and the weight of the tyres made its head pop.
Like, I saw that.
I saw the head pop like that.
And everyone was crying and I knew it was sad, but I couldn't do anything because the drugs I'm on are making me not feel anything at all.
And I mean, of course, I knew it was sad, but I couldn't feel anything and that's not right, is it, Joshy? - No.
- So (Claps) I have quit the drugs.
- (Baby cries) - I feel better than ever.
It's just Can you see how hot I look? My God.
So I just wanted to come round and tell everybody.
Oh, Gracie, I'm sorry.
I just wanted to tell you all that you don't have to worry about me anymore.
It's all gonna be OK.
(Gracie cries) OK.