Psychobitches (2013) s02e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 # It must be something psychological # It may be something very physical That makes me feel the way I do Whenever I'm in touch with you (COCKNEY ACCENT) I won't hear a word about it.
I have always loved Margaret and Elizabeth exactly the same amount.
Margaret? Your mother's reached out to you here, surely that deserves a response.
So you just expect me to totally forget about all those times that you chose her over me and all those times you said she was the only one fit to be queen? Oh, that Elizabeth.
Oh, sorry, I thought you meant Elizabeth from Ladbrokes, my turf accountant.
Oh, no, I much prefer her to you.
Christ! Can you imagine? (LAUGHS) So I'm what? I'm second, joint second.
Well, second's not Well, no, because then there's these fellas.
And then there's Margaret.
Seventh.
Margaret from Oddbins.
Oh Drink? Yes.
And how are you this week, Anna-Nicole? I'm mighty fine.
(BELCHES) I got my eye on a new fella and he's hotter than a burning stump.
How old this time? Well, let's just say I ain't Edgar's first clambake.
He's in three figures.
Anna-Nicole, you're a very attractive woman.
It strikes me that what draws you to these aged, frail men is the money they might have.
You couldn't be wronger if you done hit a skunk with a jackhammer.
Phoo-eee! There ain't nothing I've found more alluring than the older gentleman.
Really? Hell, yeah.
There ain't nothing more erotic than being tied to the handles of a walk-in bath whilst a man with the shakes washes your coochie.
Phew! Is it getting hot in here or what? Well, you see, I am integral to the act.
They do the dance around me.
And yet, they are the ones who have the dignity of being Wilson and Keppel.
Known by their surnames.
I'm just Betty.
Plain old Betty.
Chucked away at the end of the billing.
Alphabetically, it should be Betty, Keppel and Wilson.
(LAUGHS) And how do you both feel about this? Well, we could swap it around, you know, for a trial period.
Right.
And is everything all right in your home life? Well, yes, it's wonderful, thank you.
So the, um, the name thing is what's mainly bothering you? Yeah, yeah, that's the only thing.
Well, um, we still have 45 minutes left.
Well, would you like to see the dance again? Why not? (# SAND DANCE MUSIC) What's the craziest thing you've ever done? Well, I once wore two pearl necklaces.
Huh! Yeah, one was from Peter Sellers and the other was from Warren Beatty.
(LAUGHS) You dirty old fuck! I can perform CPR on a guy without him having to withdraw.
Ladies, we're here to discuss your on-going failure to acknowledge the recent trauma that you've all shared.
And it's fair to say that it's common after a stressful incident such as this for a kind of delusional denial to set in.
But I wonder, do you still have no idea what the traumatic episode you all have in common might be? (CLOCK TICKS) Look at each other.
Now, what do you have in common? (SUCKS TEETH) (SCOTTISH ACCENT) Do we all like cheese? No.
(FRENCH ACCENT) Pickle? No.
Cheese and pickle, ploughman's lunch? No, Catherine.
None of us are wearing corsets.
Yes.
And why is that? Well, I don't know about these two stuck-up bitches but see, my titties, they like their freedom, och aye the noo.
Just like Scotland.
(SIGHS) What about you? You've been very quiet.
Do you have anything to add? (HISSES) Is it anything to do with snakes? It's Tammy Wynette, yes? Is that Wynette with two T's? # W-Y-N-E-T-T-E (LAUGHS) OK.
And you were born in Mississippi? # M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I Right.
I know how to spell Mississippi.
# OK OK.
Right, and what's brought you here? If you were an animal, what animal would you be? A balloon.
Oh, God! That's not an animal, sorry.
My head's all over the place today.
Well, she'd be a fish because she fucking drinks like one.
# I'd be a rhinestone cow Do you regret not having children? (COCKNEY ACCENT) Nah! What is it? It's an 'ead coming out of a fanny.
(DOOR SLAMS) Mrs Thatcher -Yes? -Margaret? Yes? I've been asked to make a preliminary assessment.
That sounds absolutely delightful.
If I were to say the word "love" to you, what might that make you think of? It is a fictitious concept, like heaven or peace or God.
What about the love between a parent and a child? No, no, no, no.
No, the parent is like the branch of a tree.
The branch does not love the leaf.
The branch holds the leaf, it grows out of it and then it falls.
And the parent's job is to prepare the child-leaf for the world, as you would put wheels on a car or cut the legs off a duck to stop it from running around and pecking you.
You do not love it.
What about "happiness"? What does that make you think of? Growth.
Constant and consistent growth.
And is there an accompanying feeling inside? There is no inside.
That is socialism.
It is a socialist idea to speak of an inside.
The socialist is at heart a criminal.
He uses words like "help" or "feel" or "kind" to disguise the fact that he is a vile and thieving shit-arse.
A? Vile and thieving shit-arse.
You cannot help others, that would be like a mother saying to its child, "You've fallen over, you've hurt your knee, let me bathe the graze for you.
" "You've cut yourself, let me apply sticking plaster.
" "You're unhappy, let me comfort you.
" No, no, no, no.
But I wonder No.
No.
I just No.
What's the most important thing life has taught you so far? Mummy likes two fingers of gin.
Sometimes three.
The wet patch ain't always my doing.
Put things into your fanny, don't push 'em out.
I will kill again.
But it isn't wonderful for me.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Come in.
Um, I've got you down for 4pm tomorrow.
You're a day early.
Really? Afraid so.
Balls! Bugger! Watch this, Mummy.
Oh! Ugh! Mmmnnn! Mmm! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Hggh! Mm! (GULPS) "Love is only a chapter in a guy's life but to a girl it's a whole book.
" Right.
Good.
"That special moment when you look at a friend and a friend looks at you and you smile because you can read each other's minds.
" I wasn't sure whether to go for puppies or not.
The kittens work.
I think so too.
Oh, that's just a car that I like.
Very nice car.
Oh, and this one is my favourite.
"I'm not perfect but I'm me and that's even better.
" It's just like in today's society, everyone is just, like, so image-conscious.
And we're always being told that we should look perfect and that's just not true.
We're all human beings and we're all beautiful in our own special way.
I like them, they're very That's kind of what I was going for.
I'd like you to have this as a present.
Oh, that's not necessary.
No, but I insist.
I could put it over there.
OK.
Shall we have a look? (LAUGHS) Thank you very much.
Don't even mention it.
So, Janis, you've obviously had a very productive week.
What about the heroin? Have you had any of that this week? A little bit.
(# SAND DANCE MUSIC) .
.
N-G.
It's, um, sorry, it's E-I.
Receiving.
R-E-C-E-I-V-I-N-G.
It's I before E except after C.
Yeah, well, F-U! Are there any dangers, do you think, in viewing the world in the way you've been describing? It is not a view of the world.
This is how things are.
Now the socialist shit-arse would have you believe that we are all made equal.
Now what a disgusting perversion of the truth to say that all of us, every one of us, regardless of the facts of birth, are somehow deserving of warmth and love and care.
That we all have innate value (RETCHES) What a What an ugly, ugly, ugly idea.
Value must be earned.
Now, people talk about inequality as if it is a bad thing.
Inequality is good.
How is inequality good? If I have a lot of money and good things and a nice comfortable house for my family and you do not have these things and you are living in poverty, neglect and disgrace, even as I live in warmth, comfort and pleasantness.
Now, you see, I look at the things that I have, compared to the things you do not have.
Now you see, that is wonderful for me.
But it isn't wonderful for me.
Yes, but it's wonderful for me.
But it isn't wonderful for me.
But it is for me and that is the point of it.
Do you see? What do you see in this ink blot? It's a man, innit? He's very black.
Have you had him? Yes-siree, Bob.
Dirty, filthy miners.
What would you say if I said that some people might consider your attraction to old men to be quite an unusual fetish? Oh, come on! Are you telling me your eye has never been turned by the swagger of a gent with a quad cane? No.
Never watched Remembrance Day on the TV and given those fellas a salute in your panties? (KISSES) No.
No.
No.
And while I'm not denying that mature men can be attractive, being drawn to frail men very close to the end of their lives is psychologically dysfunctional.
Oh! Anna-Nicole, over the next week, I want you to challenge yourself.
I want you to take control of your sexual impulse.
Sure thing, Missy.
Can I ask you something personal? Go on.
How high will you go? What? Regarding the age of a man? This isn't about me.
100? Anna-Nicole 90? No.
80? 75? No.
No, but we're close, though, ain't we? 74? 73? 73? Patrick Stewart is 73.
Is he? Yeah.
And he's got a wife about ten years younger than you.
Oh, really? Yes.
73? No, er, yes, all right, fine, Maybe 73.
Bernie, it is then.
What? You and me are going out on a double-date next Friday with my Edgar and Bernie, 73.
No, Anna, I do not socialise with clients.
But he's got chronic emphysema.
No.
And $500-million worth of Facebook stocks.
And the longest balls you'll ever see.
Ppssh! Ppssh! Ppssh! Yickety-kaa! Describe yourself in five words.
Stand by your man, woman.
Like, sort of, like, um, like How many words is that? Loving mother to Elizabeth and That's it.
The lady's not for turning.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) So, the Mitford sisters, Unity, Jessica, Nancy.
Given that this is a group session, there'll obviously be a lot of potential information for us to draw on.
So I wonder if we could just start by you giving me a bit of background.
(# TWENTIES JAZZ MUSIC) # We came from a noble family Gloucester way # We had a jealous ma and our pa was away # It was a childhood that left its scar # So we all went nuts but we got pretty far # We are notorious, we are the bright young things # We're the rumpy-pumpy Mitford girls and have lots of flings # I spent a lot of time in Nazi Berlin # While I was reading theories by Marx and Lenin # I wrote a lot of books # But they weren't very good and were largely overlooked # I'm a Nazi-phile # I'm a commie bore # And I'm a personal friend of Mr Evelyn Waugh # A black shirt, a Nazi-Party flirt # She took it way too far with Adolf Hitler # He sent his tanks and planes across the forests of France # But never hit her, he never hit her # She's the black sheep # They're the clever clogs.
# We're the hoity-toity Mitford girls who shag like dogs # She lived through the '20s in a social whirl # If you wanted it in the gob she was the go-to girl # She was seen at every debutante ball # And at the end of the night, her knickers would fall # A party girl, she was a socialite # She was the sex-addicted Mitford girl who liked to write # With books, wit, catty remarks # And Oswald Mosley, Oswald Mosley # We cast a very long shadow across the whole of the 20th century # She's a Nazi-phile # She's a commie bore # And she's a personal friend of Mr Evelyn Waugh # We are notorious, we shagged the bright young things We're the rumpy-pumpy Mitford girls and, yeah, we can sing Yes.
You mentioned your father # It must be something psychological # It may be something very physical # That makes me feel the way I do Whenever I'm in touch with you prijevodi-online.
org
I have always loved Margaret and Elizabeth exactly the same amount.
Margaret? Your mother's reached out to you here, surely that deserves a response.
So you just expect me to totally forget about all those times that you chose her over me and all those times you said she was the only one fit to be queen? Oh, that Elizabeth.
Oh, sorry, I thought you meant Elizabeth from Ladbrokes, my turf accountant.
Oh, no, I much prefer her to you.
Christ! Can you imagine? (LAUGHS) So I'm what? I'm second, joint second.
Well, second's not Well, no, because then there's these fellas.
And then there's Margaret.
Seventh.
Margaret from Oddbins.
Oh Drink? Yes.
And how are you this week, Anna-Nicole? I'm mighty fine.
(BELCHES) I got my eye on a new fella and he's hotter than a burning stump.
How old this time? Well, let's just say I ain't Edgar's first clambake.
He's in three figures.
Anna-Nicole, you're a very attractive woman.
It strikes me that what draws you to these aged, frail men is the money they might have.
You couldn't be wronger if you done hit a skunk with a jackhammer.
Phoo-eee! There ain't nothing I've found more alluring than the older gentleman.
Really? Hell, yeah.
There ain't nothing more erotic than being tied to the handles of a walk-in bath whilst a man with the shakes washes your coochie.
Phew! Is it getting hot in here or what? Well, you see, I am integral to the act.
They do the dance around me.
And yet, they are the ones who have the dignity of being Wilson and Keppel.
Known by their surnames.
I'm just Betty.
Plain old Betty.
Chucked away at the end of the billing.
Alphabetically, it should be Betty, Keppel and Wilson.
(LAUGHS) And how do you both feel about this? Well, we could swap it around, you know, for a trial period.
Right.
And is everything all right in your home life? Well, yes, it's wonderful, thank you.
So the, um, the name thing is what's mainly bothering you? Yeah, yeah, that's the only thing.
Well, um, we still have 45 minutes left.
Well, would you like to see the dance again? Why not? (# SAND DANCE MUSIC) What's the craziest thing you've ever done? Well, I once wore two pearl necklaces.
Huh! Yeah, one was from Peter Sellers and the other was from Warren Beatty.
(LAUGHS) You dirty old fuck! I can perform CPR on a guy without him having to withdraw.
Ladies, we're here to discuss your on-going failure to acknowledge the recent trauma that you've all shared.
And it's fair to say that it's common after a stressful incident such as this for a kind of delusional denial to set in.
But I wonder, do you still have no idea what the traumatic episode you all have in common might be? (CLOCK TICKS) Look at each other.
Now, what do you have in common? (SUCKS TEETH) (SCOTTISH ACCENT) Do we all like cheese? No.
(FRENCH ACCENT) Pickle? No.
Cheese and pickle, ploughman's lunch? No, Catherine.
None of us are wearing corsets.
Yes.
And why is that? Well, I don't know about these two stuck-up bitches but see, my titties, they like their freedom, och aye the noo.
Just like Scotland.
(SIGHS) What about you? You've been very quiet.
Do you have anything to add? (HISSES) Is it anything to do with snakes? It's Tammy Wynette, yes? Is that Wynette with two T's? # W-Y-N-E-T-T-E (LAUGHS) OK.
And you were born in Mississippi? # M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I Right.
I know how to spell Mississippi.
# OK OK.
Right, and what's brought you here? If you were an animal, what animal would you be? A balloon.
Oh, God! That's not an animal, sorry.
My head's all over the place today.
Well, she'd be a fish because she fucking drinks like one.
# I'd be a rhinestone cow Do you regret not having children? (COCKNEY ACCENT) Nah! What is it? It's an 'ead coming out of a fanny.
(DOOR SLAMS) Mrs Thatcher -Yes? -Margaret? Yes? I've been asked to make a preliminary assessment.
That sounds absolutely delightful.
If I were to say the word "love" to you, what might that make you think of? It is a fictitious concept, like heaven or peace or God.
What about the love between a parent and a child? No, no, no, no.
No, the parent is like the branch of a tree.
The branch does not love the leaf.
The branch holds the leaf, it grows out of it and then it falls.
And the parent's job is to prepare the child-leaf for the world, as you would put wheels on a car or cut the legs off a duck to stop it from running around and pecking you.
You do not love it.
What about "happiness"? What does that make you think of? Growth.
Constant and consistent growth.
And is there an accompanying feeling inside? There is no inside.
That is socialism.
It is a socialist idea to speak of an inside.
The socialist is at heart a criminal.
He uses words like "help" or "feel" or "kind" to disguise the fact that he is a vile and thieving shit-arse.
A? Vile and thieving shit-arse.
You cannot help others, that would be like a mother saying to its child, "You've fallen over, you've hurt your knee, let me bathe the graze for you.
" "You've cut yourself, let me apply sticking plaster.
" "You're unhappy, let me comfort you.
" No, no, no, no.
But I wonder No.
No.
I just No.
What's the most important thing life has taught you so far? Mummy likes two fingers of gin.
Sometimes three.
The wet patch ain't always my doing.
Put things into your fanny, don't push 'em out.
I will kill again.
But it isn't wonderful for me.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Come in.
Um, I've got you down for 4pm tomorrow.
You're a day early.
Really? Afraid so.
Balls! Bugger! Watch this, Mummy.
Oh! Ugh! Mmmnnn! Mmm! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Hggh! Mm! (GULPS) "Love is only a chapter in a guy's life but to a girl it's a whole book.
" Right.
Good.
"That special moment when you look at a friend and a friend looks at you and you smile because you can read each other's minds.
" I wasn't sure whether to go for puppies or not.
The kittens work.
I think so too.
Oh, that's just a car that I like.
Very nice car.
Oh, and this one is my favourite.
"I'm not perfect but I'm me and that's even better.
" It's just like in today's society, everyone is just, like, so image-conscious.
And we're always being told that we should look perfect and that's just not true.
We're all human beings and we're all beautiful in our own special way.
I like them, they're very That's kind of what I was going for.
I'd like you to have this as a present.
Oh, that's not necessary.
No, but I insist.
I could put it over there.
OK.
Shall we have a look? (LAUGHS) Thank you very much.
Don't even mention it.
So, Janis, you've obviously had a very productive week.
What about the heroin? Have you had any of that this week? A little bit.
(# SAND DANCE MUSIC) .
.
N-G.
It's, um, sorry, it's E-I.
Receiving.
R-E-C-E-I-V-I-N-G.
It's I before E except after C.
Yeah, well, F-U! Are there any dangers, do you think, in viewing the world in the way you've been describing? It is not a view of the world.
This is how things are.
Now the socialist shit-arse would have you believe that we are all made equal.
Now what a disgusting perversion of the truth to say that all of us, every one of us, regardless of the facts of birth, are somehow deserving of warmth and love and care.
That we all have innate value (RETCHES) What a What an ugly, ugly, ugly idea.
Value must be earned.
Now, people talk about inequality as if it is a bad thing.
Inequality is good.
How is inequality good? If I have a lot of money and good things and a nice comfortable house for my family and you do not have these things and you are living in poverty, neglect and disgrace, even as I live in warmth, comfort and pleasantness.
Now, you see, I look at the things that I have, compared to the things you do not have.
Now you see, that is wonderful for me.
But it isn't wonderful for me.
Yes, but it's wonderful for me.
But it isn't wonderful for me.
But it is for me and that is the point of it.
Do you see? What do you see in this ink blot? It's a man, innit? He's very black.
Have you had him? Yes-siree, Bob.
Dirty, filthy miners.
What would you say if I said that some people might consider your attraction to old men to be quite an unusual fetish? Oh, come on! Are you telling me your eye has never been turned by the swagger of a gent with a quad cane? No.
Never watched Remembrance Day on the TV and given those fellas a salute in your panties? (KISSES) No.
No.
No.
And while I'm not denying that mature men can be attractive, being drawn to frail men very close to the end of their lives is psychologically dysfunctional.
Oh! Anna-Nicole, over the next week, I want you to challenge yourself.
I want you to take control of your sexual impulse.
Sure thing, Missy.
Can I ask you something personal? Go on.
How high will you go? What? Regarding the age of a man? This isn't about me.
100? Anna-Nicole 90? No.
80? 75? No.
No, but we're close, though, ain't we? 74? 73? 73? Patrick Stewart is 73.
Is he? Yeah.
And he's got a wife about ten years younger than you.
Oh, really? Yes.
73? No, er, yes, all right, fine, Maybe 73.
Bernie, it is then.
What? You and me are going out on a double-date next Friday with my Edgar and Bernie, 73.
No, Anna, I do not socialise with clients.
But he's got chronic emphysema.
No.
And $500-million worth of Facebook stocks.
And the longest balls you'll ever see.
Ppssh! Ppssh! Ppssh! Yickety-kaa! Describe yourself in five words.
Stand by your man, woman.
Like, sort of, like, um, like How many words is that? Loving mother to Elizabeth and That's it.
The lady's not for turning.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) So, the Mitford sisters, Unity, Jessica, Nancy.
Given that this is a group session, there'll obviously be a lot of potential information for us to draw on.
So I wonder if we could just start by you giving me a bit of background.
(# TWENTIES JAZZ MUSIC) # We came from a noble family Gloucester way # We had a jealous ma and our pa was away # It was a childhood that left its scar # So we all went nuts but we got pretty far # We are notorious, we are the bright young things # We're the rumpy-pumpy Mitford girls and have lots of flings # I spent a lot of time in Nazi Berlin # While I was reading theories by Marx and Lenin # I wrote a lot of books # But they weren't very good and were largely overlooked # I'm a Nazi-phile # I'm a commie bore # And I'm a personal friend of Mr Evelyn Waugh # A black shirt, a Nazi-Party flirt # She took it way too far with Adolf Hitler # He sent his tanks and planes across the forests of France # But never hit her, he never hit her # She's the black sheep # They're the clever clogs.
# We're the hoity-toity Mitford girls who shag like dogs # She lived through the '20s in a social whirl # If you wanted it in the gob she was the go-to girl # She was seen at every debutante ball # And at the end of the night, her knickers would fall # A party girl, she was a socialite # She was the sex-addicted Mitford girl who liked to write # With books, wit, catty remarks # And Oswald Mosley, Oswald Mosley # We cast a very long shadow across the whole of the 20th century # She's a Nazi-phile # She's a commie bore # And she's a personal friend of Mr Evelyn Waugh # We are notorious, we shagged the bright young things We're the rumpy-pumpy Mitford girls and, yeah, we can sing Yes.
You mentioned your father # It must be something psychological # It may be something very physical # That makes me feel the way I do Whenever I'm in touch with you prijevodi-online.
org