Reggie Perrin (2009) s02e01 Episode Script

I'm barely here at the moment so please leave a cheeky message.
Meep! Mwah! Have a good day at work.
I won't.
You've got 24 hours to come up with the speech of your life.
Ooh! Oh! What have I done with my life? I've sold razors so that people can shave the stubble off their faces.
And what happens? Next day it all grows back again! You're not like people who work here.
Yes, I am.
97 per cent of women under the age of 38 describe you as irresistible.
What was it going to say on my gravestone? "Here lies Reginald Perrin.
He didn't know the names of the flowers "But he knew the eyebrow-pencil figures for Schleswig-Holstein!" I've been meaning to say, Reggie.
What? Cheer up! Boo-hoo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! Is there a God? I don't know! But at least I know that I don't know! That's the point! I've got so much to tell you about life! I love you, Nicola.
What? Nothing.
Why not just end it all? Prove once and for all that I'm not a fraud? A last defiant gesture to a hostile world.
Humanitarian.
Husband.
Nonconformist.
Commuter.
A butterfly broken on a wheel.
A funny, funny guy.
How can we go on without him? Humanitarian, husband.
Husband.
Husband.
Husband.
Husband.
I know what I have to do! What? Sorry.
Sorry, not you.
I'm so sorry.
Where the hell have you been? I love you.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I've had the police here, boring the arse off me since yesterday! Have you seen missing person forms? No.
More paperwork than adopting a Chinese baby! And the whole time I'm thinking, "You know, was it me? "Did we not have enough sex?" Well Listen, in future, you will please inform me of any plans you have to kill yourself? I don't want to any more.
Or reinvent yourself as a bloody what? Deck-chair attendant? Something in seafood? I mean, what was your plan? To join the circus and have adventures? OK, you can speak now.
I realise that I'm not, er mad or sad.
But I had this big crisis because I have the wrong life.
I mean, look at my job.
Perfectly nice but exasperating colleagues, and a a boss who in any sane society would be given crayons and locked in a padded room.
Can I have the beans now, please? But I have a great home.
I have a lovely wife.
I just needed to come face to face with my own death in order to realise that life is a privilege.
And I'm reborn, and I'm going to resign.
I don't suppose he'll be back.
No.
Still, he went out in style, you know, screaming abuse at senior management.
Yeah.
I keep expecting him to walk in saying, "Three hours late, "panda on the line at Chessington.
" "Thursday's declared unfit for purpose by Southern Railway.
" "Stuck in sticky tar on East Croydon station platform.
" I never believed that one.
I miss him terribly! Don't you go, or I'll go! Yours? So, if he doesn't come back, I wonder who'll take over as boss.
Vicky? Yes, Chris? Why is Reggie Perrin like a man in charge of deflating our car tyres in the Groomtech car park? I don't know, Chris.
Why is he that? Because he's let me down.
He's let you down.
He's let himself My office.
Now.
Here.
Now.
Have you gone mad? No, Chris, I've gone completely normal.
May I speak for millions of victims of oppression up and down the country, when I say I resign? I resign, to the sound of fireworks and cosmic merriment and Lisa from Invoice Processing taking off her bra and waving it in the air.
Take your job and shove it up your arse.
Git.
What you going to do? I don't know.
Aw.
Are you going to? I don't know, I don't know.
Can I have your office? I don't care.
Reggie.
Hello, Jasmine.
You're not leaving because of us, are you? Er no, I just need a fresh start.
HR! Sack everyone in this building called "Reggie" or "Perrin"! And get me a bun! - Bye, Reggie.
- Bye-bye, Jasmine.
Promise me you'll see a psychotherapist.
I don't need to.
I'm happy now, and rational.
Life is beautiful.
You're beautiful.
I came back through Gatwick and even that seemed beautiful.
Please see a psychotherapist.
OK.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe we don't have sex often enough.
Yes, we do.
Reggie, what are you going to do? Anything that doesn't need me to dress in a grey commuter romper suit, ride in an airless metal tube twice a day and sell my soul to the Devil.
OK, good.
Although, seeing as we live in Surrey rather than Borneo, that does rule out 95 per cent of all jobs.
All right, let's sell up and move abroad.
In two months, we could be lying on hammocks on a beach in Thailand.
You don't like the heat.
All right, a beach in Norway.
You said hammocks give you backache.
All right, lying on a firm mattress on a beach in Norway.
Oh, no.
Look, I like my life.
I like teaching.
Anyway, if we sell up, we'll be left with about five quid.
And it would kill our parents.
I'll get the passports.
I'll pack.
No.
No.
I've got it.
Self-sufficiency.
You've seen The Good Life.
We've got a big garden.
It's the start of the growing season.
I don't mind working hard .
.
if it's for us.
You could help out on your endless holidays.
They give you slightly less.
This is the answer.
Mum.
Do you realise how much paperwork you've put your poor wife through? Hello.
It's not clever having a silly nervous breakdown, you know, you big ninny.
She's a bit spesh, isn't she, your mum? I see you two are still together, then? Roger that.
How long has it been now? 48 hours.
We made love twice last night.
And again this morning.
Well, as near as damn it.
Any chance of a slug of falling-down water? Oh, you're up, then? Yeah, I'm up with the lark these days.
When does the lark get up? I'm hoping it's about 8 o'clock and a bit later on Sundays.
Did you listen to Farming Today? Yeah.
Oo-arr! Isn't that a pirate? No, a pirate goes, "Aarr!" Oo-arr? Aarr! Aarr! Oo-arr! I'll look it up on Wikipedia.
I reckon within four months we could be self-sufficient.
You've drawn a marrow, love.
Yes, inspiring, isn't it? You plant a tiny seed, add water, and you get that.
I don't really like marrow.
No, nobody does, do they? Have some cress and a free-range chicken.
Mm.
Mwah.
Book a psychotherapist, Reggie.
Hello, Reggie speaking.
Mr Perrin, it's us, all the crazy gang! Is that the library? No, it's me, Vicky.
'Yes, I know, I'm joking.
Hello.
' Reggie, we miss you so much it hurts.
Yeah, I'm almost physically excited at hearing your voice.
Are you really not coming back? No, I'm afraid I'm not.
Hello, Reggie, it's Jasmine.
Hello, Jasmine.
What are you up to? I've got some twigs from the garden and I'm whittling them into cutlery.
Oh, that that's genius, Reggie.
Twigs into cutlery, eh? Cutwigs.
Twiglery! Better.
Yeah.
I'm already unhappy with my conventional cutlery.
He's gone mad! Stop it, Vicky! Honestly! Um but if if you do need any mental help, Mr Perrin, I do do private counselling.
No, I'm fine, thank you.
It's an experiment in self-sufficiency.
Nobody needs to buy anything.
We're going to live off the land.
I've costed it all out.
It's all completely feasible.
'But apparently I, er do need to see a psychiatrist.
' So could you e-mail me your number? Ooh, OK! Ker-ching.
We've fixed the photocopier.
'Good, good.
' Somebody added their bodily fluids into the toner.
Right, well, I'd better start digging.
- Take care of yourself.
- Don't be a stranger.
Thanks for the heads-up on twigs.
Bye.
"Over The Rainbow" Oh, God, that's boring.
I'm not doing that again.
Have you ever taken hallucinogenic drugs? No, and neither has my friend the purple giraffe sitting next to me.
No, I haven't.
Have you ever gone a bit funny? Did you write this questionnaire? Yes, I did.
Yes, I suppose I have gone a bit funny.
You have? Oh, blimey! Ha-ha! You mad sausage! Ha-ha! So, finally, these sessions can unlock pent-up emotions.
So don't be surprised if you wig out and start a fight at Streatham Skating Rink.
Super.
Off we go! I love the dark, don't you? You can really hide away all your nasty side.
Do you like the chair? Yes, yes, yeah.
It belonged to an old boyfriend of mine.
Oh.
What a piece of crap he turned out to be! Oh, I'm sorry.
Never mind about him.
OK.
What brings you here? Well, my wife seems to think that I still have um what we now have to call "issues".
Yes, they can be very quick to judge, partners, can't they? Then you look around and they've gone.
Is it something you want to talk about? No, no, no, this is you time.
Ha-ha! Shouldn't you ask me a question? Erm OK.
Um do you like the chair? No, we've done that.
Oh, um Ask me if I've got any issues.
Ooh, that's good.
Um do you have any issues? No, I don't, really.
Well, I sometimes think that Nicola and I don't have sex often enough.
Do you mind if we don't talk about sex? Why not? It's all a bit yucky, isn't it? You do know that doing a big jigsaw doesn't mean you have a big penis? Well, you say that.
I've waited 25 years to do this jigsaw.
What was holding you back? Knowing that you had the patience of a man who's on fire? Corporate slavery was holding me back from doing this and from picking wild mushrooms in the forest and from sitting in the park listening to the wind in the trees.
Well, when you've heard enough wind, feel free to look for a job.
Mwah.
Mm.
I'm just jealous, Reggie.
I'd love to slob around all day in greying underwear.
I'm not slobbing, I'm chillin'.
Have a good day at work, dear.
I won't.
Oh, it's OK! There's money growing on trees out here! Good! Thank you! Vicky, when Reggie Perrin was here, did he doctor the sales figures? No, no, he always said, "I may have pimped my scrotum to the capitalist whore "for a pocketful of silver, "but I'm not a cheat.
" Hm.
So, why have sales figures gone down with me as Acting Head of Disposable Razors? Sheer bad luck? Yeah, good.
Um Chris? Jasmine? - Jasmine.
- Vicky.
Um Chris.
Jasmine.
Steve.
Um Jasmine! Oh, Jesus.
Sorry! You missed heads-of-department sandwiches.
Yes, I was at a special business forum for exceptional business leaders.
How can I strategise for Balms And Lubricants if Disposable Razors are always away at back-slapping junkets for vain businessmen? I'm more sensitive than I seem, Jasmine.
Ow! Come to dinner with me tonight.
I know a Danish restaurant where the waitresses wear only bacon.
No.
Look, ask Reggie Perrin back, please.
Never! He betrayed me.
I let him into my inner circle and he gobbed in it.
He gobbed in my circle, Jasmine.
No-one does that to me.
The state this company's in, can you afford not to ask Reggie back? Oh! Ah! Oh, come on.
Yes! How's my favourite male-grooming executive? The latest copy of Wet Shave.
Here's the deal, Reggie.
Big fan, water, bridge, no man is an island.
Who's the kiddie? You are! Welcome back! That's quite an offer.
Well, it's fair to say you're the bollocks! The company must be in big trouble, then.
The, er operating environment is a little inclement, yes.
Right, get on your knees and ask me.
Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Get on your knees and ask me to come back to Groomtech nicely.
I have a problem with that.
I had a problem with going into work every day for 25 years, but I forced myself.
Please will you That's really shoddy begging, Chris.
Come on, do it properly.
Reggie, will you please come back to Groomtech as Head of Disposable Razors? No, and I'll tell you why.
Because in this sliver of a lifetime between two eternities, I intend to roar like a lion rather than put on my sheep's costume and creep back to work in that fan-heated corporate wasteland of a desk job, where you sit like some demented Buddha barking gibberish.
I didn't quite catch all that, but I sense it's a no.
And if you ever bother me at home again .
.
I'll have my wife come home unexpectedly early from work and try to run you over.
You're a dead man! On the contrary! I'm very much alive! Congratulations, Mrs Perrin.
You've passed your stunt driver's test.
Sacked from a teaching job? You must have done something really dodgy.
What did you do? Pulled a boy's trousers down.
I'll call a solicitor.
He'd been sneering at me for months.
And his trousers were hanging off his arse.
And and I thought, "I've had to watch trousers hanging off arses for ten years.
"I'm finally going to bloody pull them down!" Could you offer to let him pull yours down? I did offer.
We both agreed it might be a bit weird.
Mm-hm.
Oh, God, Reggie! what we going to do? We've got no money, no jobs.
And I've broken the wheelie bin! Rurrhh! What you doing? Nothing.
So you resigned from your executive job during a recession.
Why was that? Ooh, don't get me started.
Ooh, don't get me started.
OK, um I needed a change of direction.
What, backwards? Actually, this is a giant leap forwards.
Towards coming to the Jobcentre.
What jobs have you got? Rurrhh! Oh, super! Ah-ha-ha! Ha-ha! It's tough out there for middle-aged execs.
Survival of the most badass.
Yes, I remember hearing that on the badass section of Money Box.
What was your line of business? Disposable razors.
Apart from a brief frightening spell in the nose-hair sector.
Why do they try to squeeze so many blades onto a razor? Boredom.
Oh.
I'll do anything apart from office work.
Ah, this might be you.
Have a good day at work.
I think I will.
Can I come with you? No.
Go on your break.
Go on my break, please.
What? Please.
It's one of the friendly words.
Go on your break.
Why did they make you wear that outfit? So that if we tried to escape, we're easier to shoot.
That makes sense.
How was your day? I looked for teaching jobs.
Well done.
Did you find any? No.
Even with me playing my "I pull kids' trousers down" card.
Oh, it's Mork and Mindy.
Hello! Hiya.
How's tricks, munchkin? Oh, not so great, Dad.
You know, as I explained on the phone.
Yeah, losing the job.
At at the school? Where the kids come for lessons.
Dad! Oh, your job thing! Oh, well, you know what they say.
I have an announcement.
Your father and I are getting married.
Your mother proposed to me over a stiffener at the club.
Well, what's the matter with you? You should be whooping and cheering.
Whoop! Cheer! It's just a bit weird.
My dad and my mother-in-law.
Him, ex-army.
You, arrested for biting a policeman on a CND fun run.
Well, we're very much in love.
Aren't we, dear? Oh, roger to that.
Darling, you won't wear that suit at the wedding, will you? No, I'll be in full mourning.
And then my father died of acute nagging.
And while the body was still warm, my mother moved house nearer to me, as if somehow living closer would make up for the emotional distance between us.
Is this the sort of thing you need? Sorry, I could hear my soup boiling over.
Oh, I didn't realise you'd gone.
Oh, sounds like my boyfriend! Here one minute, gone the next! Ha-ha! Shall I carry on my pointless rambling? I always think All right, you ramble pointlessly, then.
I always think that having a boyfriend is like going to a fairground.
You get a bit thrown around on the rides, nobody wins a coconut, and then the fish dies.
Do you want to talk about Keith? How do you know his name? I can read.
One day, I just sensed something had gone out of our relationship.
Mm.
You know, faint alarm bells ringing.
Mm.
Like he'd make little comments.
Like, "I've got a new girlfriend now.
Why do you keep coming round?" Have you got any other clients? No.
No.
How does that make you feel? So, you'll take a job in an office as long as there's no commuting? Yes, I will.
Friendly travel company seeks enthusiast.
Ooh! Sorry I was late.
Bus driver stopped to drop off his dry-cleaning.
So I killed him.
It's nice to work locally.
I used to commute.
I spent a year and a half on the train.
I did it all at once to get it out of the way.
No, I'm being silly.
Yeah, catch you later.
Impossible.
You've actually made shelf-stacking seem like fun.
Of course, it was Napoleon who said, "Impossible is not in my dictionary.
" But then you'd say, well, he must have had a pretty shit dictionary, then.
I'd better leave.
" to impress by his strength, "will accept him as the most powerful male around.
" Yeah? 'Reggie?' Hello, Mum.
What's that noise? 'I'm in the bath.
' Oh.
'Hello!' 'I've got the tap end.
' 'He says he's got the tap end!' Yes, I heard.
'I've got the tap end!' Yeah Oh 'We're both being careful where we put our feet.
' 'Don't want to start something we can't control.
Huh! 'Like a stroke.
' 'Are you busy looking for a job?' No, I'm busy listening to two pensioners splashing around in a bath.
'Ah! Oh!' 'Oh, he's just burnt his face on the tap.
' 'I've just burnt face on tap!' What's that noise? That's your dad and my mum in the bath together.
Oh.
How was your therapy session? Er helpful.
At least I think I was.
Hm.
I'm not sure a top-notch therapist would Hoover during a session.
No, we're going to address that at our next session.
Reggie? Mm? Our savings aren't going to last forever.
When do you reckon they'll run out? 1998.
Oh.
Our overdraft isn't going to last forever.
I know.
You're going to have to find something you want to do.
Yes, don't worry.
I'm just warming up.