Remington Steele (1982) s02e01 Episode Script
Steele Away With Me
- Steal away with me.
- To Mexico? Sun-drenched days, glamorous nights.
And you'll get a boot out of this, Mr.
Steele.
We can't find your tax return.
Oh, my tax return? Oh! Some broad's sniffing around Campos's place.
My people tried to grab her, but she slipped out from under.
She's in Acapulco looking for you.
- She finds me, they'll kill her too.
- Who'll kill her? Maybe I can have you arrested before we extradite you.
Maria, you've gotta stop forgetting your- Agua, por favor.
Excuse me.
Mildred Krebs.
I have a 9:30 with Miss Holt.
Don't we all.
Would you be kind enough to announce me? Oh.
Honey, I don't work here.
That's why I'm here- to find out if I work here.
Is there someone I can see who does work here? Some fox took one look at us and barricaded himself in there.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
Try to be patient, ladies.
Miss Holt will be along momentarily.
I have an appointment- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I know.
You have an appointment to see Miss Holt.
I can't imagine what's detained her.
She's usually so prompt.
- Are you Remington Steele? - Please accept my apologies.
- You're the person I should be speaking to.
- I'm sorry.
Hiring a new secretary's Miss Holt's bailiwick.
- If you'll just take a seat with the other ladies over there.
- You don't understand.
- I'm Mildred Krebs.
- I wouldn't dispute that for a moment.
It's about your audit! "Mildred Krebs.
Field Representative.
Internal Revenue Service"? - Nothing to be alarmed about.
- Uh-huh.
I know how that word "audit" strikes terror in the hearts of the average person.
- Yes, well, you don't know the half of it, Miss Krebs.
- Nope.
Purely routine, I can assure you.
Now, you see, these computers kick out the names at random and now it's your turn to be in the spotlight, so to speak.
See, we did an audit of your agency which necessitated a cross-check audit on the personal returns of all the people that work for you.
- We have a Laura Holt, Murphy Michaels, Bernice Foxe.
- Mm-hmm.
But- and you'll get a boot out of this, Mr.
Steele- everybody loves to give the I.
R.
S.
a big old horselaugh and it is embarrassing, now that I come to think about it because we- we can't find your tax return.
Oh, my tax return? Oh! - You see, we put in new computers.
- Yes.
- We went from a 640-I to a 980-Z.
- Oh.
I kept pushing for a 1020-J, but, oh, you know these bureaucracies, my dear.
They never listen to the people who actually have to work these darn machines.
So I guess your tax return is rattling around in the system someplace.
Lord knows when it will ever surface.
So if you will just give me your copy, I will wrap this up in just a few hours.
- My copy? - Yes.
Yes.
Uh- - Your copy.
- My copy.
Uh, would you excuse me for a moment, please? Thank you.
What's her number? Uh- Laura? Where are you? It's chaos here.
Well, it's no bed of roses here.
I have a roomful of seething secretaries, not to mention- I can top that.
I have a dead man in my living room.
A dead man? Oh.
Anyone you know? According to his maritime papers, he's my cleaning lady's son.
Ah.
Uh, I'll be right there, okay? All right.
Ah! Yes, uh- Morning, ladies.
Morning, morning, morning.
His name is Hector Figueroa.
He had a detailed map in Spanish to my house and this hotel key.
I thought it was Maria.
She's always forgetting her key.
I go to answer the door, and there he was, clutching this package wrapped in newspaper.
Package? Wrapped in newspaper? This is beginning to smack of The Maltese Falcon.
Walter Huston plays a sea captain who, although riddled with bullets manages to bring Bogart the falcon wrapped in newspaper.
What was in the package? A fish? Hector worked on a tuna boat.
I don't think he came all this way with three bullets in him to bring you catch-of-the-day.
Sorry.
Maybe you'd better defrost it first.
Yes.
Good thinking.
Ooh! I know, Maria.
I know.
It was a dreadful, awful thing.
Did your son have any enemies that you knew of? Your son, Hector.
In English, please, Maria.
Por favor.
That is not Hector.
He doesn't look anything like Hector.
- Hector's much better looking.
- But he was carrying your son's papers.
That is not Hector! I should know my own son.
Good Lord, the fish! Fish? You're gonna eat at a time like this? Maria, please, sit down.
I'll get you a glass of water.
I don't want a glass of water.
I want to know why that man has my son's papers.
Uh- All right.
Ouch.
Hold it down.
All right.
Watch it.
What's this? Diamonds! Huh.
Uh-huh.
Mm-mmm! Mmm! "D" flawless.
Marquis cut.
Approximately two carats.
Worth about, oh, 75,000 on the open market.
Of course, that's just a layman's guess.
- All clear.
Come on.
- Why shouldn't it be? A slight problem came up, but under the circumstances I didn't want to bother you with it.
On the other hand, what good's a problem if you can't share it with someone? Laura Holt, may I present Mildred Krebs from the Internal Revenue Service.
Oh, Miss Krebs.
We had an appointment this morning.
- I'm terribly sorry.
- No need to apologize.
Let's get on with it, shall we? Now, according to the corporate return which you signed, Miss Holt the company employed a Bernice Foxe as a secretary/receptionist.
Unfortunately, Miss Foxe is no longer with us.
Yes, terrible loss.
She ran off with a saxophone player.
No doubt they're enjoying some hot licks in New York, eh? And a Murphy Michaels as an investigator? I'm afraid Mr.
Michaels also left the agency.
He opened one of his own in Denver.
Works closely with the coroner's office.
Murphy always had a flair for autopsy reports.
I can't imagine what could be wrong, Miss Krebs.
Every penny was scrupulously accounted for.
It seems that the computer misplaced my return and Miss Krebs simply wants to take a peek at, uh, my copy.
- Your copy? - My copy.
Would you excuse us for a moment, Miss Krebs? - Where are you going? - Just into the next office.
That's where he went four hours ago.
- Be back before you know it.
- Don't get too comfortable.
Well? - Give me a moment to think.
- You didn't file a tax return for me? - You didn't exist then.
- But if I exist now, I must have existed then! There's a telephone call for you, Miss Holt- a Lt.
Wilder with the Coast Guard.
- Thank you.
- How are you doing? Oh, just checking the files.
If you'll excuse me for a moment, Miss Krebs.
Highly confidential.
Ultra sensitive.
Okay? - Yes.
There you go.
- Well, thank you, Lieutenant.
According to charts filed with the Coast Guard - Hector's boat was off the coast of Acapulco three days ago.
- What does that prove? The fish was wrapped in an Acapulco newspaper three days old.
- Oh.
- This key is from an Acapulco hotel.
Whoever that is with Hector's papers probably boarded there.
- What are you doing? - One usually needs a passport for international travel.
- Well, where are you going? - Mexico.
- Mexico? - Yes, Mexico.
You know, Lupe Velez, Maria Montez, Pedro Armendáriz.
- Laura, you just can't take off like this.
- I'm doing it for Maria.
She's worried sick about her son.
He could be in all kinds of danger.
I know.
All the more reason you can't go down there alone.
- Then steal away with me.
- To Mexico? Sun-drenched days, glamorous nights.
Couldn't we be drenched someplace closer to home? Is there something that precludes your going to Mexico with me? Well, no, it's just that, uh, I don't have a valid passport.
As I recall, when we met you had an abundance of passports.
Yes, yes, I know.
But now that I'm trotting the straight-and-narrow I wouldn't feel right using one of those.
All right.
You stay here and fend off the I.
R.
S until I can think of a plausible reason why you didn't file a tax return.
- Laura, Laura, please, just wait- - Mr.
Steele? Digging, digging, digging, digging, digging.
Is there some reason you can't produce a copy of your tax return? Huh? Uh- I have a confession to make, Miss Krebs.
I didn't file a tax return for that particular year.
- Why not? - Well, because- because- Please, sit there.
Because, uh- Because I didn't earn any income.
It's all here in the corporate return.
Remington Steele was not paid a salary.
Be that as it may, Mr.
Steele.
But you were paid in kind.
Paid in what kind? The agency wrote off a car, a chauffeur, an apartment.
The only valid reason not to declare those items as income would be if you devoted Of course I did! I mean, I sleep, breathe, dream private investigating.
I'll be around at 9:30 tomorrow morning to inspect your domicile.
And if it contains one single, solitary item of a personal nature my past experience will come in handy.
What past experience was that? Six years with the fraud squad.
Well, hi.
Can I help you? I hope so.
My name's Laura Holt.
I'm a private investigator from Los Angeles, and I'm attempting to locate this man.
His uncle in Los Angeles passed away recently and left him a small inheritance.
Unfortunately, there's no current address for him.
I did, however, manage to learn that he may have been at this hotel a few days ago, perhaps as a guest.
That's no guest.
That's Pedro.
- You know him? - Yes, I do.
He's a bellman here.
Pedro Campos.
That's the correct name, all right.
Yeah, but I'm afraid he hasn't come to work for the past, uh, three days.
- Oh, my.
What a shame.
- Yeah.
Well, perhaps you could give me his current address.
I do so want to tell Senor Campos of his good fortune.
I will see what I can do.
I'd also like a room.
If at all possible, I'd like, uh, 2009.
Are you alone? Yes.
I'm quite alone.
I prefer it that way.
You know, modern woman and all.
Yeah.
Then I don't know why, uh you would like to have the room 2009.
- It's a honeymoon suite.
- Oh, the honeymoon suite.
Well, no wonder my sister recommended it.
She said it was the most satisfying room she'd ever been in.
It's booked solid months in advance.
Ah.
Well, in that case, I'll take any old thing you have available.
Okay.
It will be a few minutes.
Thank you.
- And your name, please? - Martin Ring.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Ring.
I can't seem to find your name here.
Uh, buenos días.
Um, ¿habla Inglés? Okay.
Uh- Uh, P-Pedro Campos? Uh, ¿casa? Um- Uh- Mi ami-amigo- amigo, Hector Figueroa here and, um en Pedro casa's Campos- Um, ¿Pedro Campos's casa? Gracias.
I knew I shouldn't have taken French.
Whoa! Whoa, little lady.
Slow down.
That's a good way to have yourself an accident.
You're a little, uh, off the beaten track here, ain't ya? Yeah, I got separated from my group.
Oh.
! Listen, maybe I should see you to your hotel.
I'd really appreciate that, Mr.
, uh, Ring.
Marty.
- Marty.
Laura.
Laura Holt.
- Laura.
- Where you-Where you stayin', Laura? - Um, the Princess.
The Princess? Is that a coincidence? That's where we're put up too! - Oh.
- Yeah! I'm with the insurance convention.
It's a little reward they cooked up for writin' a lot of policies.
I'll say one thing though.
I always say it.
You can't have too much insurance.
You never know when you're gonna run into a cryin' need for it.
Oh! Steele here.
Uh, yes, Operator.
Who's calling? Yes, I'll accept the charges.
Hector? This is Remington Steele, Miss Holt's associate.
Where are you? I've been calling her place all day.
Do you know if somebody named Pedro Campos came to see her? If it's the fellow with the fish, I'm afraid he did.
Do you know where I can reach him? You're gonna need an awfully long cord.
I'm afraid he's dead.
Look, where-where are you? Please tell Miss Holt I'm sorry.
I- I didn't mean it to turn out this way.
Well, she's in Acapulco looking for you.
Oh, man, she shouldn't be down here! She finds me, they'll kill her too.
Who'll kill her? I mean, what are you talking- Hector? Hector? Yes, what time's the next flight to Acapulco? Uh, okay, book me on it, please, will you? O'Leary.
Michael O'Leary.
Apparently, your friend was here.
Yes.
But where is he now? And in what condition? Leave his picture with me.
Perhaps someone will remember seeing him.
Yes.
What can I do? Go back to your hotel and wait for my call.
I feel so helpless.
At the moment, you are.
- Thank you.
- Please.
- Oh! Miss Krebs! You're early.
- Thought I'd get a jump on the day.
Yesterday was such a waste.
Going somewhere? Uh, Toledo.
My Uncle Randolph suddenly took very ill.
And, naturally, you were gonna tell me about this unexpected trip.
Well, it came as such a shock and your impending arrival completely slipped my mind.
But, uh, please feel free to conduct your inspection.
Just close the door when you leave.
Bye! Supervisor Mellish, please.
Fifty thousand.
Ninety thousand.
Seventy-five thousand.
Two hundred thousand.
Frederick Luns, Paul Dominick, my associate from Chicago.
Mr.
Dominick will see that your diamonds reach the United States.
- When? - They'll be going out this afternoon.
How? The less you know in that aspect, the better it is for all concerned.
On arriving safely in the States, Mr.
Dominick will reclaim them.
You should hear from him a day or two after that.
And then you can dispose of them anyway you see fit.
I think I shall convert them into Swiss money.
I have more confidence in my own currency.
Whatever suits you.
Always a pleasure, Alex.
Mr.
Dominick, I will wait for your call.
Yeah, right.
What do you mean, they go out today? Have to keep the customers satisfied, Paul.
These aren't postcards we're sending across the border.
No, but they have to be just as innocent.
Unless you've managed to create another problem.
Some broad's sniffing around Campos's place.
My people tried to grab her, but she slipped out from under.
She came back later with a local cop.
Who is she? I don't know.
But until I find out, I don't want to move anything.
Paul, you may be an expert in your own particular field but, believe me, I know the kind of people we're dealing with.
They're frightened in the only way that the very wealthy know how to be frightened.
Their country devalues their currency freezes foreign assets.
They panic.
They scurry around looking for the surest, safest way to get their money out.
One hint that our organization's in trouble and we won't be able to give those pieces of carbon away.
All right, all right.
As soon as we track her down, I'll just take her out of the picture, that's all.
That's your answer for everything, isn't it? You killed Campos.
Where did that get us? More complications.
Wait a second.
He took our merchandise.
He stole from us! You should've let him have them.
They're pebbles compared to what we're sitting on.
Have you replaced him? Did you at least manage to do that? Don't worry.
This one, I'll handle myself.
Yes? Oh, uh, uh, uh, the bag is in the bedroom.
Thanks.
- Think we have time for lunch? - Oh, sure.
The plane doesn't leave till 3:00, and it's only- Oh.
I left my watch in the room.
- I'll get it.
- No, no, no.
You grab us a table.
Peggy? Peg? Hon, are you in there? - Don't tell me she locked you out? - No.
- Is something wrong? - Yeah, I-I can't seem to find my wife.
We were gonna go down to get a bite to eat, and she came back here to get her watch.
But it was an hour ago.
I waited in the restaurant.
I called the room.
I had her paged.
- Don't you have a key? - No, she has it.
Oh! What's this? Why would Peggy leave the key out here? - Something's going on here.
- Maybe she got sidetracked.
Maybe she's downstairs right now looking for you.
No, uh-uh.
She'd never leave this.
This was my engagement present to her.
Maybe we should call the police.
I have a friend- Captain Rios.
I'm sure he'll be able to help.
She wouldn't just take off.
I mean, this is our honeymoon.
We didn't wanna leave, but we couldn't wait to get back to Fresno to start our life together- Mr.
and Mrs.
George Plummer.
George, I've had some experience in these things and often what appears to be strange and contradictory has a very logical explanation.
Is there someone special in your life, Miss Holt? That's hard to pin down.
He's special to me.
I- I don't know how special I am to him.
Well, Peggy's the most special person I ever knew.
We've been together since the 10th grade and she would never, ever, just get up and leave without telling me.
Laura Holt, please come to a house telephone.
- Señorita Laura Holt.
- Excuse me.
- Hello? - Really, Laura.
You cut me to the quick.
The minute my back's turned, there you are sharing a tequila sunrise with another man.
How did- I thought this climate was a little too hot for you.
- Actually, I'm fleeing the tax collector.
- Ah.
Acapulco seemed as good a place as any to begin life as a fugitive.
Mm-hmm.
- Have you located Hector? - No.
Good.
Apparently, he is in danger and whoever's after him won't hesitate to kill anyone whom he's with.
- How do you know? - He phoned me up last night.
- Incidentally, the dead man's name is- - Pedro Campos.
Oh.
You've discovered that, have you? It hasn't all been tequila sunrises.
- Oh.
- You know, you could've told me this over the telephone.
You didn't come all the way down here because you thought I might be in some kind of danger, did you? Of course not.
I'd never insult your intelligence or your professionalism by trying to stop you from getting killed.
I've simply decided to take a much more active interest in the business, you know.
What with Murphy and Bernice no longer with us, someone has to fill the void.
And I assure you, Laura, I've made that commitment.
Whatever the problem, whatever the circumstances, you can count on me.
I'll always be there for you.
Uh, excuse me, please.
Señorita Holt, that man you were just talking to- - What about him? - Do you know him? Actually, no.
I was just giving him directions to the dining room.
- Why? - Well, he looks familiar.
Disturbingly familiar.
He has that kind of face.
Average, ordinary, common as a cold.
- I heard someone else disappeared.
- Yes.
I hope this is not the beginning of an epidemic.
Would you stop saying maybe she just wandered into town? She didn't.
I've known her since she was 14, and she'd never do anything that flaky.
- I'll need a description of Señora Plummer.
- Okay, fine.
Psst! Psst! Psst! - What are you doing hiding behind a newspaper? - Hiding.
Just how dangerous is it for you to be down here? Not dangerous at all, providing I can keep one step ahead of the local gendarmerie.
Why is El Capitán lurking about? Whatever's going on is going on in the honeymoon suite.
Ayoung woman disappeared from there this morning.
Well, then, let's find out what's going on.
Booked solid months in advance.
Then perhaps we should find out who the next occupant is, eh? Flight 48 from Los Angeles now arriving at Gate 4.
- Our name's Bloustein.
- Welcome to Acapulco, Mr.
and Mrs.
Bloustein.
- Your car is here.
- Car? - To take you to the hotel.
- The travel agent didn't say anything about a car.
All part of our fabulous fiesta honeymoon service.
Boy, this is gonna be some honeymoon.
I'm sure you'll remember it for the rest of your lives.
- Buenos días.
- Buenos días.
Michael O'Leary.
I phoned you a while ago.
Oh, yes, Señor O'Leary.
You are in luck.
We just received a cancellation not 15 minutes ago.
That is a stroke of good fortune.
Thank you.
Very unexpected too.
They had the suite reserved since, uh, February.
Really? Well, the course of marriage never does run smoothly, does it? - Even on honeymoon.
- Uh, where's your wife, sir? Oh, uh, she's taking care of a couple of minor inconveniences.
She'll be along shortly.
Hold it right there, buster.
! Ah, cupcake! - Ow! You're hurting me! - And you love it, don't you? - Mint! Absolute mint! - Ow! Try to control yourself till we get to the bedroom, my poco tiesto.
I warn you.
! I warn you.
! You are adding kidnapping and assault to a list of already penitentiary proportions.
- Please, Miss Krebs, give me a chance to explain.
- Explain? Explain what? - Failure to file a tax return.
- I am here on a very complex case.
Flight to avoid prosecution.
It began when a dead man delivered a fish to Miss Holt.
Traveling under a fraudulent passport.
Only the fish contained diamonds, and the dead man wasn't whom he said he was.
I'm gonna have to call my supervisor, get further instructions.
And now there's a deadly killer stalking the real dead man.
Maybe I can have you arrested before we extradite you.
Miss Krebs, I beg of you.
Don't touch the phone.
- Operator? Policía, por favor.
- Miss Krebs? - Yes? - Forgive me.
Uh, who is it? The bride of Frankenstein.
Oh, Laura, I've been going crazy waiting for you.
Aren't you going to carry me over the threshold? There's something in the bedroom that demands our immediate attention.
In that case, home, James! While I'm normally delighted by unexpected displays of affection- You're always telling me not to plan things- to be spontaneous, to live for the moment.
Yes.
But I don't think this is the moment.
What is she doing here? She thinks I'm a tax evader because I didn't file a tax return.
And now, the entire hotel staff thinks that she's my wife! - Well, this certainly complicates things.
- Oh! You have a definite flair for the understatement, Laura.
This certainly isn't the honeymoon I anticipated.
Well, we'd better figure out what to do with her.
Oh.
How are your prisons in the States? I hear some of them actually have cells with tellys stereos, shag carpeting, et cetera.
Don't worry.
We'll get out of this.
I'm fascinated by the way you use the word "we.
" Come on.
- Okay.
- All we have to do is make sure no one gets in this room.
All right.
I'll meet you downstairs.
- Okay? - Mm-hmm.
Filthy.
I'll send someone up immediately.
Buenos días.
Bye.
Gin! Captain Rios just called.
He may have found Hector.
The police just arrested someone answering his description.
He has no papers.
He refuses to give his name.
- Why was he arrested? - He mooned a group of nuns in the town square.
- Good Lord! - That's what they said.
Well, no sense duplicating tasks.
Why don't you trundle on down to the local lockup? I'll stay around see if there's any suspicious characters lurking about the hotel.
- You mean aside from yourself? - Vaya con dios.
And I'm telling you that I did not cancel my reservation! Miss Holt? - ¿Habla Inglés? - Like a native.
Then do the words "Follow that car" have any significance? Hey, man, we get the Starsky and Hutch down here! We call him "the man with no shame.
" - Hector! - Miss Holt? Can I speak with him, Captain? A gentle stroll, señorita.
No sudden movements that might make the guards anxious.
Thank you.
Did you really moon a group of nuns? I needed some fast attention.
I figured the safest place for me was in here.
Miss Holt, I'm really sorry.
I never meant to get you involved in this.
Help me get us out, Hector.
Pedro was hooked in a smuggling scam.
He would hide the stuff inside some tourist's luggage and then the tourist would take it across the border.
Then I guess someone would do a fast break-in on the other side and get the stuff back.
Only he got tired of being the middleman and decided to keep some for himself.
Well, he borrowed my papers for a thousand bucks.
How did he wind up on my doorstep? My old lady was always talking about how nice you were- how you were always willing to help someone in trouble.
Pedro didn't speak any English.
He hadn't even been to the States before.
So I drew him a map and told him if he needed help to go see you.
Thanks for the testimonial.
I thought he'd make it through.
Only these two guys came to his place and started banging me around.
I had to tell them what the deal was with my papers.
And then, I just ran like hell.
All right, Hector.
Let's see if we can get you out of here.
Wait! No! I'm not goin' back out on the street.
I wouldn't even make it to the airport.
Why would anyone be after you now? - They think I know who Pedro was working for.
- Do you? No! He wouldn't tell me! All he said was the less I knew, the better off I was.
He didn't say a name, a place, a destination? No.
Just Pepe's.
- Pepe's? - A disco on the costero.
- That's where he'd picked up the stash.
- But he didn't say from whom? Miss Holt, believe me, this is no time to keep secrets.
Well, I guess you'd better hang around here a bit longer.
But if Pepe's doesn't lead us anywhere, you're going straight to Mama.
Just as long as it ain't in a box.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Casual.
Nonchalant.
Two old friends who happened to bump into one another.
Aren't you a little uncomfortable being so close to your natural habitat? The gentleman in the seersucker over my right shoulder.
- That's Marty.
Marty Ring.
- You know him? - He's an insurance salesman.
He's here on a convention.
- Hmm.
Then perhaps he followed you down here to sell you a policy.
- He followed me? - Mmm.
Let's see if he's interested in old Spanish architecture or something a bit younger and more American, hmm? Buenos días.
Buenos días.
Yeah, yeah.
- He's still with us.
- Hmm.
Determined little bugger, isn't he? Shall we? Certainly not a place to wear white shoes, is it? - Or a white suit.
- Or a white-yes.
This way.
Nice bulls.
Adiós.
Aah! I hope you've taken your own advice and written yourself a lot of coverage.
You never know when you're going to run into a crying need for insurance.
Ah, ah, ah.
I wouldn't dash about if I were you.
It's a myth about bulls being enraged by red.
However, they don't react too well to sudden movement.
Read it and weep, kiddo.
"Jack Merkle.
Inspector, United States Customs"? - Why were you following Miss Holt? - She's a suspect.
In what? were lifted from three European banks.
I missed that in the press.
Buried in the back pages, no doubt.
It was kept quiet.
The prospect of that many diamonds being dumped on the open market gave everybody terminal anxiety.
Now they're starting to trickle into the States and I think the guy who bled to death all over your rug brought in a shipment.
Are you accusing me of being on the receiving end? He came to your house, lady.
You wanna explain why? This is some interrogation.
He's asking more questions than we are.
We found seaman's papers on the guy in the name of one Hector Figueroa but the prints don't match.
Come on.
Be smart.
You scratch me, I'll scratch you.
Let's start with the real Hector Figueroa.
Where can I lay my hands on him? - Why? - Nothing hostile.
Simple questions, that's all.
Like, "How come your papers wound up on a dead man?" Right now, you're minimum withholding evidence maybe smuggling, and possibly accessory to murder.
It's always nice dealing with the government, Inspector.
- Get me outta here! - ¡Toro.
! ¡Toro.
! ¡Toro.
! - ¡Toro! - Hey, hey.
! Hey, hey.
! Hey, hey! ¡Toro.
! ¡Toro.
! Hey, ¡toro.
! - Whose idea was this anyway? - Yours, I believe.
Think about it, troops.
You wanna find me, just look over your shoulder.
You were a trifle uncooperative back there, eh? I'm not ready to give Hector up until we get him back to Los Angeles.
I don't think that's gonna sit too well with Mr.
Merkle.
Well, at last we have something truly in common.
- Oh? - We're both running.
You from Customs, me from the I.
R.
S.
Don't forget the police.
Ah.
Sun-drenched days and glamorous nights, eh? When the fish actually contained diamonds and with Hector running for his life not to mention a poor honeymooner literally kidnapped from this suite- this very room- then you can see that Mr.
Steele is definitely down here on a legitimate case and not on some desperate flight from justice.
And if you were honest, Mildred- Oh.
May I call you Mildred? Thank you.
If you were honest with yourself, Mildred you'd have to admit that you were a bit overzealous that perhaps you transcended your authority by pursuing Mr.
Steele to Acapulco.
Now, I'm going to remove this gag in a spirit of friendship and cooperation.
Good luck.
- Ah! - Oh! - My tongue fell asleep.
- Oh.
! I have to compliment you on tracking down Mr.
Steele the way you did.
- Wouldn't you agree, sir? - Oh, yes.
First-rate piece of detection.
Top-notch.
Gung ho, yes.
You know, Mildred, I think you have just the kind of investigative talent and personal initiative required in our organization.
- You wouldn't be offering me a job, would you? - Well- Because until your tax situation is cleared up, that could be construed as bribery.
- Never crossed my mind.
- Wouldn't have you on a platter.
You know, just as soon as this case is brought to a successful conclusion I promise that Mr.
Steele's failure to file a tax return will all become clear.
- Agonizingly clear.
- I'd like to call my supervisor.
By all means, Mildred.
Come.
We trust you.
- You left your trowel in the bedroom.
- We have to gain her confidence.
We can't very well keep her bound and gagged for the rest of our time down here.
- Why not? I find it rather reassuring.
- All right, let's recap.
We know Pedro was smuggling diamonds into the States by hiding them in tourists' luggage and we know where he picked up the diamonds.
- We do? - At a disco called Pepe's.
- First thing in the morning, we have a look.
- You know, Laura in crimes of this magnitude, it's usually standard to offer a finder's fee- usually at 10% of the value- and 10% of $250 million is- $25 million.
Do you realize we could be given $25 million as a reward for being honest? That really astounds you, doesn't it? It heartens me, Laura.
It absolutely heartens me.
If I'm not in the office in an hour, I'm going on suspension! - Oh! - Ooh! Dear! Oh! Ah.
My, my, my, you look beautiful.
- Come here.
Mmm! - You don't look so bad yourself.
Thank you.
Please, sit.
Bottoms up.
A tequila sunrise.
How thoughtful of you.
Actually, it's, um, compliments of- He wasn't kidding about just looking over our shoulders for him.
It doesn't give us much maneuvering room.
I thought Mildred was going to join us.
Um, I sent her into town to buy some clothes.
- How generous of you.
- Well, it's the least I could do.
I mean, the poor woman only brought a satchel full of tax returns.
You know, I have a feeling that we're getting down to the wire on this thing.
Well, shouldn't you sound more pleased? Frankly, I'm nervous.
Well, don't be.
I mean, we can handle Merkle.
It's not Merkle that concerns me.
It's you.
I don't wanna turn around and find you're not there when I need you.
Afraid I'll run out on you to save my own neck, eh? It happened in the lobby when you saw Captain Rios.
You really think I'd leave you in the lurch? Or are you just curious? - Part of my mysterious past.
- Well, sure I'm curious.
You announce you're going to take a more active interest in the agency and I wonder how many other places we can't go because some other Captain Rios is looking for you.
I wonder when somebody's gonna show up on the agency's doorstep looking for you to solve an old case or settle an old grievance.
You're damn right I'm curious! You wanna know what happened in Mexico City? There was something called the Marchesa Collection.
Five pieces set with emeralds, rubies, sapphires.
Given as a tribute to one of the Borgias in the 15th century.
Somewhere along the way, it got broken up, scattered.
- Buenas noches.
- Buenas noches.
Is there a song you would like us to play for you this evening? I can't really think of one.
Uh, gracias.
Then we hope you will enjoy this one.
¡Bello.
! ¡Bello.
! ¡Bello.
! ¡Bello.
! ¡Bello.
! ¡Bello.
! - Thank you.
- Yeah.
Gracias.
Apart, they were worth a great deal.
Together, they were priceless.
Over the years, a Belgian collector managed to acquire four of them.
The fifth eluded him until it was discovered in Mexico City.
- Buenas noches.
- Buenas noches.
May we play your favorite song for you? I don't really have a favorite song, gracias.
Then permit us.
¡Exquisito.
! ¡Exquisito.
! ¡Exquisito.
! Exquisito.
Exquisito.
- They're coming over here because you're such a good tipper.
- Mm-hmm.
Where was I? The fifth piece was discovered in Mexico City.
A price was agreed upon.
But before they could change hands, it was stolen for a very wealthy, very powerful businessman.
- Buenas noches.
- Buenas noches.
Is there something we play for you this evening? - Yes.
"The Ride of the Valkyries.
" - Of course.
- I stole it.
- What? I said, I stole the bloody thing back! So, what do you think? Do I pass inspection? - You look wonderful, Mildred! - Oh, yes, smashing.
Well, when do we eat? 'Cause every time I go shopping, I get hungry.
Mildred's stationed in the lobby.
Mm-hmm.
- Look what I found.
- Where? George's luggage.
They were in the hanger rolls.
- Peggy must have walked in on whoever was hiding them.
- Mm-hmm.
- Which means he might come back to reclaim them.
- Huh.
May I ask you a question? No, I don't think what you did was illegal.
Expedient- How long do I have to keep on proving myself to you? I mean, why is it so important what I was? We've been together for what could be called a season.
Doesn't that count? Seasons come and go.
And when they're over sometimes you can hardly remember them.
Damn it, Laura! I care for you.
- Don't! - Why not? You confuse me! It confuses me! It's what frightens me the most about having more than a working relationship with you! Every time we're not on a case, not tending strictly to business the same old confusion sets in.
You think it's any different for me? I've never spent this much time in one place in my entire life! And it's not only because I enjoy playing detective.
I mean, sometimes- sometimes I look at myself and I say "What's happened to you, old sport? I mean, you've become positively domesticated.
" That's not what I mean! I'm terrified of losing myself in you- of being swallowed up by you until there's no me anymore! But you're the one who jumped into my arms.
"Home, James," you said, pointing to this very bedroom! I rehearsed that all the way up in the elevator.
- I decided I wasn't gonna be afraid anymore.
- And? It scared the hell out of me! Don't laugh.
I saw what happened to my mother.
She was completely, totally consumed by my father.
Nothing moved in our house unless it revolved totally around him.
When he left her, her life just stopped.
No joy, no sorrow, nothing, not even anger.
It was as if he'd taken every bit of feeling she had with him.
Laura, you're not your mother.
No.
But part of me could be very easily.
That's the part I have to guard against.
- You want guarantees.
- And you can't give them.
It seems we have an awfully long way to go.
Wouldn't it be nice if- if we could get there together? Looking for something, amigo? We'll never beat him down All right.
Let's call Mildred.
Maybe she can get a look at his transportation.
You know, Mildred isn't half bad as an investigator.
She not only managed to get the license number she found out the car was rented to a one Paul Dominick from Chicago.
Perhaps I should reconsider divorcing her.
Uh, shall we, um-Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
A touch of India.
It's closed! Yes.
More like abandoned.
Oh, what a shame.
You'd never know by looking at it now, but at one point it was the most popular spot in Acapulco.
People came from all over the world just to spend a night at Pepe's.
Every night was New Year's Eve.
The ceiling would open up, and balloons would come down at midnight.
- They had this huge piano bar- - Is that where you tripped the light fantastic? Never mind.
As I remember, you did a fan dance on a bar for your boyfriend and his banker buddies.
Let's just drop the subject, all right? It was a long time ago.
Another era, another person.
Well, unlike you, what you did in your past doesn't trouble me.
Ooh! Was that meant to prove it? The car that accosted you outside of Pedro's-what color was it? Um- Uh, a maroon Chevy, I think.
Well, perhaps they switched.
The one that's following us is a gray one.
You know, I suddenly have an uncontrollable urge to take a romantic stroll on the beach.
Oh, you smooth talker, you.
Well, Pepe's certainly seems an ideal place to keep a cache of diamonds.
- Or an American honeymooner.
- Yes.
If Peggy's in there, we can't do anything precipitous.
- That could prove fatal.
- Unless they've already disposed of her.
Oh, please, don't even entertain that thought.
Why don't we find out who owns the place now? See if we can figure a way in? Notorious.
Well, it's true.
Pepe's did have a bit of a reputation in those days.
Cary Grant, Ingrid Bergman, RKO, 1946.
- I must have missed that one.
- Wonderful.
Ingrid infiltrates a group of Nazis, headed by Claude Rains to discover what they're up to.
It all begins at a wild party.
Cary, of course, is there- You still haven't told me what happened to Ingrid Bergman after Claude Rains discovered she was a government agent.
- Ah, nothing, really.
- Oh, come on.
If I'm gonna play the Bergman part, I'd like to know.
- He poisoned her.
A little cyanide in the soup.
- Swell.
It was only a movie.
But Cary rescued her in the nick of time.
Richard Blaine, please come to a house telephone.
- Señor Richard Blaine.
- What is it? I hope someone else is a movie buff.
- Richard Blaine, please come to a house telephone.
- Richard Blaine.
Why is that name so familiar? It's, uh- It's the name of the character Bogart played in Casablanca.
And one of your passport names? The one you used when you were in Mexico City? Laura, I have another sudden overwhelming urge to run! - Uh- - Mr.
Blaine.
Ah, yes.
Congratulations on your promotion, Captain.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Mr.
Blaine and I are old acquaintances from Mexico City.
What brings you to Acapulco, Captain? Oh, I came for the water.
I find it very relaxing.
- Mexico City was much too hectic.
- Mm-hmm.
Captain, I know that Mr.
Blaine is wanted in connection to a certain unfortunate incident and I'm positive that he can explain everything to your satisfaction.
However, we're right in the middle of a case and if we don't act quickly, a woman may lose her life.
So if you would be kind enough- You're most persuasive, Señorita Holt.
Unfortunately, my hands are tied.
So I'm afraid that Mr.
Blaine must be returned to Mexico City, hmm? - Shall we? - Oh, yes, of course.
Go.
I am very disappointed in you, señorita.
Ah! Uh, piña colada, por favor.
Ah.
Muchas gracias.
Excuse me.
Refreshing, eh? Yes.
Mr.
Steele? Mr.
Steele, it's me, Mildred.
- Mildred Krebs.
- Ah, Miss Krebs! There you are.
You're an angel of mercy.
Ah.
Good.
How are you holding up? - Fine.
I'm just fine.
- Good.
Good.
Did Captain Rios question you about our relationship? Relentlessly.
Now I know what it's like to be on the other end of an audit.
- Mm-hmm.
- This has been the most incredible time of my life.
- Really? - I mean, who would have thought that just a few short days ago I would be in a men's room in Acapulco watching a man take off his pants.
Oh, my goodness! Not even Bernie Cornfeld's audit was this fraught.
- What's he doing here? - He helped me locate Paul Dominick.
Right there- the one in the ice-cream suit.
Dominick's a high-line fence from Chicago.
Boy, I love all this technical talk.
I talked with the organized crime boys.
He was in San Diego when Hector's tuna boat docked.
Then he hopped a plane down here.
Dollars to doughnuts, he's the contact in the States.
If he's here, then he must know where the diamonds are and quite possibly Peggy.
If you can help me nail Dominick I'll forget everything about Hector's being involved in this thing.
Um, no offense, but don't you think this Dominick character's a little out of your league? I can handle myself.
Besides, while you're keeping an eye on Pepe's the inspector will keep an eye on me.
- Your faithful little shadow.
- Now, you're clear on your part? I can handle myself.
Well, showtime.
I'll be outside.
Stay close.
I don't want anything unforeseen to happen to Miss Holt.
Just do your little dance, junior.
I'll take care of the security.
- Come back to the table.
Come on.
- Let go of me! - I'm not through with you yet! - Hey, watch it! You're not only through! You're finished! Gorgeous, isn't he? $500 jacket, $5,000 Rolex- not to mention all the other baubles I bought you! You got your money's worth, didn't ya? Not enough to pay for you and your wife! He's married to her? And don't kid yourself.
You weren't all that good.
I just kept you around because I like having something pretty to wear on my arm.
You lousy, little tramp! Hey, whoa, whoa! Come on! Enough of that! Come on! Take a walk! Oh! Oh.
! Oh, honey.
! Oh, my poor baby.
Sweetheart, are you all right? Say something.
Speak to me.
Oh, my poor baby.
Are you hurt? Oh! You animal! - Don't overdo it, Mildred.
- I'm sorry.
I suppose you want a reward for being my big, strong protector.
Were you really keeping that guy? It's a lot more fun than collecting stamps.
Why don't you show me what you've got and then I'll decide what you get.
Mm-hmm.
! She's certainly thrown herself into the part.
- Oh, she's hot, all right.
- Yeah, I don't get it.
First, she plays Gypsy Rose Lee for a former boyfriend.
Now she's playing Miss Sadie Thompson for a cheap crook.
But for me, it's Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.
- Well, maybe you frighten her.
- Yes.
That's what she says.
You don't know what it's like for a woman to desire a man.
Oh! I mean, to lust down to her loins and yet fear what that desire might unleash in her.
Are you, uh, speaking from personal experience? Hell no! My ex-husband couldn't unleash the dog.
Aw.
Just remember it's easy to let yourself go with someone you don't care about because there's no risk involved.
At the moment, that's hollow consolation.
Thank you, Mildred.
Whose boat? Mine.
Uh-uh.
No? Too many phone calls to arrange getting us on it.
Okay.
It belongs to a friend.
Nice friend to have.
What's his name? That's all you do- ask questions.
Adds to my allure.
Who are you, and what do you want? I thought I wanted you, but I just changed my mind.
I'm not into pain or animals, no matter how sleek.
Okay, okay.
His name is Sebastien- Alexander Sebastien.
All right? Now, that wasn't so hard, was it? Look what I've done.
I've taken off all my lotion.
You'll just have to put on a fresh coat.
Uh, I'd like to rent a horse.
Ah, sí, sí, sí, sí, señorita.
- You look good with a tan.
- I'm surprised you don't have more color yourself.
He put so much lotion on you, I was afraid you were gonna slither off the boat.
- You were watching? - It's my job to keep an eye on you.
No, no, no.
That's Merkle's job.
Your job is to keep an eye on Pepe's.
Well, nothing's happening at Pepe's.
Dominick's friend with the boat is named Alexander Sebastien.
See what Mildred can dig up on him.
And while I'm watching and she's digging, what will you be doing? Dancing.
I've been invited to a party at Sebastien's villa.
Huh.
Undercover work's hellish, isn't it? My, my, aren't we testy today.
Sorry.
I've been asleep on the beach.
Those sand crabs have a nasty little bite.
Well, if Sebastien turns out to be the one with the diamonds we'll be sleeping in our own beds before you know it.
Yes, well, just don't get too cocky.
Anyone who could engineer a $250 million robbery can also see through a high school rendition of The Temptress.
Might I remind you that I have been doing this a lot longer than you have! I must congratulate Paul on his exquisite taste.
Or is it just dumb luck that he found you? This house is magnificent.
Have you been here long? - About 10 years.
- Then you must remember Pepe's.
Yes, of course.
But I was hardly an habitué, though I did enjoy the atmosphere occasionally.
- What happened to it? - Like all things in this world, Miss Holt people just got bored and went on to other diversions.
- Do you know if it's been sold? - Yes.
As a matter of fact, I bought it.
Here we are.
You know, if I wasn't such a secure guy, I'd be jealous as hell.
What are you trying to do, beat my time, Alex? If I thought I had the chance- Have you ever been to Chicago? No, but I've flown over it so many times, I feel like a native.
Come back with me.
- When? - Tomorrow.
Come on.
- I'll mull it.
- I only ask once.
Well, then, in that case, the answer- - Oh! - What's-What's wrong? - You okay? - I don't know.
I'm dizzy.
Have her lie down in one of the bedrooms.
Yeah, sure.
Come on.
Let me take you.
- Sorry.
- All right, take it easy.
Take it easy.
Come on.
All right, easy.
Okay? I want to go back hotel.
No.
No, you can't go anywhere in this condition.
Oh.
Here's a nice, comfortable bed.
I only had one you gave me.
Well, uh, sometimes that's all it takes, you know.
Just-Just one.
Now, you lie down, and you try to sleep it off.
And, uh, you'll be just fine in a couple of hours.
- Okay? Huh? - Oh! All right? - How is she? - She's, uh, sick as a dog.
First, we move the merchandise.
Then we dispose of Miss Holt.
My pleasure.
Cyanide in the soup.
She's not in her room, and the bed hasn't been slept in.
Where the devil's Merkle? He's supposed to be watching her! I'm going to Sebastien's, and you, uh- - How about if I watch Pepe's? - Good thinking.
You know, Mildred, you really do have a flair for this sort of thing.
- Oh, thanks, Mr.
Steele.
- Yes.
If Miss Holt should return, um, chastise her.
- Well? - Lots of activity.
People moving in and out.
- You didn't catch a glimpse of Miss Holt, by any chance? - Uh-uh.
Well, there comes a time in every case when action- swift, decisive action- is called for.
- What are you gonna do, Mr.
Steele? - Damned if I know.
- Oh.
- I'm just kidding.
A little levity to lighten the mood.
Every master detective always has an appropriate plan to fit any given situation.
Oh.
- Ready.
- Okay.
Oh! Oh! That is the most inspired plan I've ever heard of in my life.
I mean, the sheer brilliance! The total daring! The element of surprise that is so crucial in any rescue.
Only someone like you would think of that.
Probably because it's insane, not to mention suicidal.
I can't believe this is happening to me- any of it! I mean, it's- it's like a dream.
It's like a fantasy.
It's like a James Bond movie.
Oh, you don't know what a dull, drab life I've led, Mr.
Steele.
It was so colorless.
I mean, adding and subtracting figures all day long, these columns.
I guess I just have a flair for drudgery.
Okay, Mildred.
Now, Mildred, you're certain you've operated one of these boats before? Well- Mildred? Say something, anything.
Lie if the moment calls for it.
Well, when I was a kid, in the summer we used to have this little putt-putt.
- Putt-putt? - Yeah.
A little two-horsepower putt-putt.
My brother and I used to putt-putt around the lake on it.
Well, it's gotta be on the same concept.
All right, Mildred, take it out several hundred yards and then head towards Pepe's.
- And, for God's sake, keep a constant speed.
- You got it.
And, remember, the instant we get to Pepe's, cut the rope! Laura? Laura? Laura? Laura, come on.
Wake up.
Wake up.
What took you so long, Cary? Oh.
Thank you.
Peggy, come on, my dear.
Come on.
Aah! This is beginning to hurt! Peggy! Upsy-daisy.
Oh! Are you all right, Miss Holt? I'm fine, Mildred, thank you.
And you? How are you? - Honey, we were so worried about you.
- Ladies, please.
! Can we save the dialogue till later? While Mrs.
Plummer appears svelte, at the moment she's dead weight.
- Shall we? - Yes.
I saw nothing in there resembling diamonds.
Well, maybe that's what all the activity was about.
They're taking them somewhere else.
Dominick did mention something about going to Chicago today.
That's about the last thing I remember.
He certainly isn't gonna take off with in an overnight bag, is he? Sebastien's boat! Oh! Give me the shoes.
Call Captain Rios! - Right.
- Oh, wait! - I've never seen you so possessed with a sense of justice before.
Laura, they're taking off with my finder's fee! - Ah! Unarmed.
- Now all we need is Dominick.
Yes, and whoever else may happen to be down there.
We'd be wonderful targets if we just barged in.
Did you ever happen to see Key Largo? - Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, Warner Bros.
, 1948? - Please.
- The last movie almost cost me my life.
- I only meant- - No! - Well, Bogart was in much the same situation.
Trapped in a boat with a group of killers down below.
- He used a rather interesting way of luring them out.
- All right.
Let's hear it.
Made them seasick.
Finally, they had to come up for air.
He was waiting to pop them off.
Eh? - I like that a lot better than Notorious.
- Good.
Excuse me.
Oh, jolly, I like it.
Hey, Sebastien, what are you doin'? Drop it.
Drop it.
One word, and parts of you will wind up in Hawaii.
All right? Huh? Where's the real Inspector Merkle? Oh, him.
He's up in the hills somewhere, um sitting in a lime pit.
Tell him it's all clear.
I got Dominick! There's no one else up here! Uh-huh.
Now, tell him to set it on course and come up here.
Set it on course and come up here, and don't forget Ingrid! What? Who's Ingrid? The one we call Mildred.
Her real name is Ingrid.
You're some group, you know that? Everybody's a phony.
We can't hold a candle to you.
That's awfully clever, having us infiltrate the people who worked for you.
Well, once you tied Dominick with the diamonds I wanted to keep you close so you wouldn't go to the policía.
Not that it matters anymore, but where exactly is this treasure trove of diamonds? The extra fuel tanks.
We're just gonna whip on over to Puerto Vallarta and set up shop.
You know, you're really getting very good at the movie game.
I mean, Ingrid was an excellent clue that you were in trouble.
I'm beginning to think it's the only way I'm going to survive with you.
So Merkle was part of it too, eh? - No, that's not Merkle.
He just assumed his identity.
- Oh.
What a cheap, shoddy thing to do- assume someone else's identity.
You know, I think you should be the one to turn over the diamonds to Captain Rios.
Well, what do you mean, return the diamonds? It'll go a long way in convincing him of your honesty.
Laura, there's a finder's fee involved here.
Especially when you explain to him - why you stole that piece of jewelry.
- Twenty-five- - You were only getting it back to its rightful owner- - m-million- - even though your methods were a little unlawful.
- dollars! How many years do you think you'd get if somebody like the captain isn't sympathetic and understanding? You know, sometimes I find the straight and narrow very confining.
Very confining.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Official business.
Internal Revenue.
Thank you very much.
Good-bye.
Okay.
I've figured out how to get you off the hook for that nonexistent tax return.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah.
You file an amended return.
You pay the tax.
You're gonna eat the penalties and the interest.
But you're all square with Uncle Sam.
That's wonderful, Mildred.
- It's my last official act with the I.
R.
S.
- What do you mean? I got discharged for dereliction of duty.
I stayed too long in Mexico.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mildred.
And it was basically our fault.
You remember that job you offered me? I know you did it so I'd go easy on you.
No, no, no, no, no.
You were very helpful with the case.
I'm not very good at begging.
I could grovel a little.
I think it would be wonderful for all concerned.
What do you think? Hmm? I think it's outrageous.
I wouldn't pay this if I were you.
I'm not going to, Mr.
Steele.
- To Mexico? Sun-drenched days, glamorous nights.
And you'll get a boot out of this, Mr.
Steele.
We can't find your tax return.
Oh, my tax return? Oh! Some broad's sniffing around Campos's place.
My people tried to grab her, but she slipped out from under.
She's in Acapulco looking for you.
- She finds me, they'll kill her too.
- Who'll kill her? Maybe I can have you arrested before we extradite you.
Maria, you've gotta stop forgetting your- Agua, por favor.
Excuse me.
Mildred Krebs.
I have a 9:30 with Miss Holt.
Don't we all.
Would you be kind enough to announce me? Oh.
Honey, I don't work here.
That's why I'm here- to find out if I work here.
Is there someone I can see who does work here? Some fox took one look at us and barricaded himself in there.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
Try to be patient, ladies.
Miss Holt will be along momentarily.
I have an appointment- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I know.
You have an appointment to see Miss Holt.
I can't imagine what's detained her.
She's usually so prompt.
- Are you Remington Steele? - Please accept my apologies.
- You're the person I should be speaking to.
- I'm sorry.
Hiring a new secretary's Miss Holt's bailiwick.
- If you'll just take a seat with the other ladies over there.
- You don't understand.
- I'm Mildred Krebs.
- I wouldn't dispute that for a moment.
It's about your audit! "Mildred Krebs.
Field Representative.
Internal Revenue Service"? - Nothing to be alarmed about.
- Uh-huh.
I know how that word "audit" strikes terror in the hearts of the average person.
- Yes, well, you don't know the half of it, Miss Krebs.
- Nope.
Purely routine, I can assure you.
Now, you see, these computers kick out the names at random and now it's your turn to be in the spotlight, so to speak.
See, we did an audit of your agency which necessitated a cross-check audit on the personal returns of all the people that work for you.
- We have a Laura Holt, Murphy Michaels, Bernice Foxe.
- Mm-hmm.
But- and you'll get a boot out of this, Mr.
Steele- everybody loves to give the I.
R.
S.
a big old horselaugh and it is embarrassing, now that I come to think about it because we- we can't find your tax return.
Oh, my tax return? Oh! - You see, we put in new computers.
- Yes.
- We went from a 640-I to a 980-Z.
- Oh.
I kept pushing for a 1020-J, but, oh, you know these bureaucracies, my dear.
They never listen to the people who actually have to work these darn machines.
So I guess your tax return is rattling around in the system someplace.
Lord knows when it will ever surface.
So if you will just give me your copy, I will wrap this up in just a few hours.
- My copy? - Yes.
Yes.
Uh- - Your copy.
- My copy.
Uh, would you excuse me for a moment, please? Thank you.
What's her number? Uh- Laura? Where are you? It's chaos here.
Well, it's no bed of roses here.
I have a roomful of seething secretaries, not to mention- I can top that.
I have a dead man in my living room.
A dead man? Oh.
Anyone you know? According to his maritime papers, he's my cleaning lady's son.
Ah.
Uh, I'll be right there, okay? All right.
Ah! Yes, uh- Morning, ladies.
Morning, morning, morning.
His name is Hector Figueroa.
He had a detailed map in Spanish to my house and this hotel key.
I thought it was Maria.
She's always forgetting her key.
I go to answer the door, and there he was, clutching this package wrapped in newspaper.
Package? Wrapped in newspaper? This is beginning to smack of The Maltese Falcon.
Walter Huston plays a sea captain who, although riddled with bullets manages to bring Bogart the falcon wrapped in newspaper.
What was in the package? A fish? Hector worked on a tuna boat.
I don't think he came all this way with three bullets in him to bring you catch-of-the-day.
Sorry.
Maybe you'd better defrost it first.
Yes.
Good thinking.
Ooh! I know, Maria.
I know.
It was a dreadful, awful thing.
Did your son have any enemies that you knew of? Your son, Hector.
In English, please, Maria.
Por favor.
That is not Hector.
He doesn't look anything like Hector.
- Hector's much better looking.
- But he was carrying your son's papers.
That is not Hector! I should know my own son.
Good Lord, the fish! Fish? You're gonna eat at a time like this? Maria, please, sit down.
I'll get you a glass of water.
I don't want a glass of water.
I want to know why that man has my son's papers.
Uh- All right.
Ouch.
Hold it down.
All right.
Watch it.
What's this? Diamonds! Huh.
Uh-huh.
Mm-mmm! Mmm! "D" flawless.
Marquis cut.
Approximately two carats.
Worth about, oh, 75,000 on the open market.
Of course, that's just a layman's guess.
- All clear.
Come on.
- Why shouldn't it be? A slight problem came up, but under the circumstances I didn't want to bother you with it.
On the other hand, what good's a problem if you can't share it with someone? Laura Holt, may I present Mildred Krebs from the Internal Revenue Service.
Oh, Miss Krebs.
We had an appointment this morning.
- I'm terribly sorry.
- No need to apologize.
Let's get on with it, shall we? Now, according to the corporate return which you signed, Miss Holt the company employed a Bernice Foxe as a secretary/receptionist.
Unfortunately, Miss Foxe is no longer with us.
Yes, terrible loss.
She ran off with a saxophone player.
No doubt they're enjoying some hot licks in New York, eh? And a Murphy Michaels as an investigator? I'm afraid Mr.
Michaels also left the agency.
He opened one of his own in Denver.
Works closely with the coroner's office.
Murphy always had a flair for autopsy reports.
I can't imagine what could be wrong, Miss Krebs.
Every penny was scrupulously accounted for.
It seems that the computer misplaced my return and Miss Krebs simply wants to take a peek at, uh, my copy.
- Your copy? - My copy.
Would you excuse us for a moment, Miss Krebs? - Where are you going? - Just into the next office.
That's where he went four hours ago.
- Be back before you know it.
- Don't get too comfortable.
Well? - Give me a moment to think.
- You didn't file a tax return for me? - You didn't exist then.
- But if I exist now, I must have existed then! There's a telephone call for you, Miss Holt- a Lt.
Wilder with the Coast Guard.
- Thank you.
- How are you doing? Oh, just checking the files.
If you'll excuse me for a moment, Miss Krebs.
Highly confidential.
Ultra sensitive.
Okay? - Yes.
There you go.
- Well, thank you, Lieutenant.
According to charts filed with the Coast Guard - Hector's boat was off the coast of Acapulco three days ago.
- What does that prove? The fish was wrapped in an Acapulco newspaper three days old.
- Oh.
- This key is from an Acapulco hotel.
Whoever that is with Hector's papers probably boarded there.
- What are you doing? - One usually needs a passport for international travel.
- Well, where are you going? - Mexico.
- Mexico? - Yes, Mexico.
You know, Lupe Velez, Maria Montez, Pedro Armendáriz.
- Laura, you just can't take off like this.
- I'm doing it for Maria.
She's worried sick about her son.
He could be in all kinds of danger.
I know.
All the more reason you can't go down there alone.
- Then steal away with me.
- To Mexico? Sun-drenched days, glamorous nights.
Couldn't we be drenched someplace closer to home? Is there something that precludes your going to Mexico with me? Well, no, it's just that, uh, I don't have a valid passport.
As I recall, when we met you had an abundance of passports.
Yes, yes, I know.
But now that I'm trotting the straight-and-narrow I wouldn't feel right using one of those.
All right.
You stay here and fend off the I.
R.
S until I can think of a plausible reason why you didn't file a tax return.
- Laura, Laura, please, just wait- - Mr.
Steele? Digging, digging, digging, digging, digging.
Is there some reason you can't produce a copy of your tax return? Huh? Uh- I have a confession to make, Miss Krebs.
I didn't file a tax return for that particular year.
- Why not? - Well, because- because- Please, sit there.
Because, uh- Because I didn't earn any income.
It's all here in the corporate return.
Remington Steele was not paid a salary.
Be that as it may, Mr.
Steele.
But you were paid in kind.
Paid in what kind? The agency wrote off a car, a chauffeur, an apartment.
The only valid reason not to declare those items as income would be if you devoted Of course I did! I mean, I sleep, breathe, dream private investigating.
I'll be around at 9:30 tomorrow morning to inspect your domicile.
And if it contains one single, solitary item of a personal nature my past experience will come in handy.
What past experience was that? Six years with the fraud squad.
Well, hi.
Can I help you? I hope so.
My name's Laura Holt.
I'm a private investigator from Los Angeles, and I'm attempting to locate this man.
His uncle in Los Angeles passed away recently and left him a small inheritance.
Unfortunately, there's no current address for him.
I did, however, manage to learn that he may have been at this hotel a few days ago, perhaps as a guest.
That's no guest.
That's Pedro.
- You know him? - Yes, I do.
He's a bellman here.
Pedro Campos.
That's the correct name, all right.
Yeah, but I'm afraid he hasn't come to work for the past, uh, three days.
- Oh, my.
What a shame.
- Yeah.
Well, perhaps you could give me his current address.
I do so want to tell Senor Campos of his good fortune.
I will see what I can do.
I'd also like a room.
If at all possible, I'd like, uh, 2009.
Are you alone? Yes.
I'm quite alone.
I prefer it that way.
You know, modern woman and all.
Yeah.
Then I don't know why, uh you would like to have the room 2009.
- It's a honeymoon suite.
- Oh, the honeymoon suite.
Well, no wonder my sister recommended it.
She said it was the most satisfying room she'd ever been in.
It's booked solid months in advance.
Ah.
Well, in that case, I'll take any old thing you have available.
Okay.
It will be a few minutes.
Thank you.
- And your name, please? - Martin Ring.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Ring.
I can't seem to find your name here.
Uh, buenos días.
Um, ¿habla Inglés? Okay.
Uh- Uh, P-Pedro Campos? Uh, ¿casa? Um- Uh- Mi ami-amigo- amigo, Hector Figueroa here and, um en Pedro casa's Campos- Um, ¿Pedro Campos's casa? Gracias.
I knew I shouldn't have taken French.
Whoa! Whoa, little lady.
Slow down.
That's a good way to have yourself an accident.
You're a little, uh, off the beaten track here, ain't ya? Yeah, I got separated from my group.
Oh.
! Listen, maybe I should see you to your hotel.
I'd really appreciate that, Mr.
, uh, Ring.
Marty.
- Marty.
Laura.
Laura Holt.
- Laura.
- Where you-Where you stayin', Laura? - Um, the Princess.
The Princess? Is that a coincidence? That's where we're put up too! - Oh.
- Yeah! I'm with the insurance convention.
It's a little reward they cooked up for writin' a lot of policies.
I'll say one thing though.
I always say it.
You can't have too much insurance.
You never know when you're gonna run into a cryin' need for it.
Oh! Steele here.
Uh, yes, Operator.
Who's calling? Yes, I'll accept the charges.
Hector? This is Remington Steele, Miss Holt's associate.
Where are you? I've been calling her place all day.
Do you know if somebody named Pedro Campos came to see her? If it's the fellow with the fish, I'm afraid he did.
Do you know where I can reach him? You're gonna need an awfully long cord.
I'm afraid he's dead.
Look, where-where are you? Please tell Miss Holt I'm sorry.
I- I didn't mean it to turn out this way.
Well, she's in Acapulco looking for you.
Oh, man, she shouldn't be down here! She finds me, they'll kill her too.
Who'll kill her? I mean, what are you talking- Hector? Hector? Yes, what time's the next flight to Acapulco? Uh, okay, book me on it, please, will you? O'Leary.
Michael O'Leary.
Apparently, your friend was here.
Yes.
But where is he now? And in what condition? Leave his picture with me.
Perhaps someone will remember seeing him.
Yes.
What can I do? Go back to your hotel and wait for my call.
I feel so helpless.
At the moment, you are.
- Thank you.
- Please.
- Oh! Miss Krebs! You're early.
- Thought I'd get a jump on the day.
Yesterday was such a waste.
Going somewhere? Uh, Toledo.
My Uncle Randolph suddenly took very ill.
And, naturally, you were gonna tell me about this unexpected trip.
Well, it came as such a shock and your impending arrival completely slipped my mind.
But, uh, please feel free to conduct your inspection.
Just close the door when you leave.
Bye! Supervisor Mellish, please.
Fifty thousand.
Ninety thousand.
Seventy-five thousand.
Two hundred thousand.
Frederick Luns, Paul Dominick, my associate from Chicago.
Mr.
Dominick will see that your diamonds reach the United States.
- When? - They'll be going out this afternoon.
How? The less you know in that aspect, the better it is for all concerned.
On arriving safely in the States, Mr.
Dominick will reclaim them.
You should hear from him a day or two after that.
And then you can dispose of them anyway you see fit.
I think I shall convert them into Swiss money.
I have more confidence in my own currency.
Whatever suits you.
Always a pleasure, Alex.
Mr.
Dominick, I will wait for your call.
Yeah, right.
What do you mean, they go out today? Have to keep the customers satisfied, Paul.
These aren't postcards we're sending across the border.
No, but they have to be just as innocent.
Unless you've managed to create another problem.
Some broad's sniffing around Campos's place.
My people tried to grab her, but she slipped out from under.
She came back later with a local cop.
Who is she? I don't know.
But until I find out, I don't want to move anything.
Paul, you may be an expert in your own particular field but, believe me, I know the kind of people we're dealing with.
They're frightened in the only way that the very wealthy know how to be frightened.
Their country devalues their currency freezes foreign assets.
They panic.
They scurry around looking for the surest, safest way to get their money out.
One hint that our organization's in trouble and we won't be able to give those pieces of carbon away.
All right, all right.
As soon as we track her down, I'll just take her out of the picture, that's all.
That's your answer for everything, isn't it? You killed Campos.
Where did that get us? More complications.
Wait a second.
He took our merchandise.
He stole from us! You should've let him have them.
They're pebbles compared to what we're sitting on.
Have you replaced him? Did you at least manage to do that? Don't worry.
This one, I'll handle myself.
Yes? Oh, uh, uh, uh, the bag is in the bedroom.
Thanks.
- Think we have time for lunch? - Oh, sure.
The plane doesn't leave till 3:00, and it's only- Oh.
I left my watch in the room.
- I'll get it.
- No, no, no.
You grab us a table.
Peggy? Peg? Hon, are you in there? - Don't tell me she locked you out? - No.
- Is something wrong? - Yeah, I-I can't seem to find my wife.
We were gonna go down to get a bite to eat, and she came back here to get her watch.
But it was an hour ago.
I waited in the restaurant.
I called the room.
I had her paged.
- Don't you have a key? - No, she has it.
Oh! What's this? Why would Peggy leave the key out here? - Something's going on here.
- Maybe she got sidetracked.
Maybe she's downstairs right now looking for you.
No, uh-uh.
She'd never leave this.
This was my engagement present to her.
Maybe we should call the police.
I have a friend- Captain Rios.
I'm sure he'll be able to help.
She wouldn't just take off.
I mean, this is our honeymoon.
We didn't wanna leave, but we couldn't wait to get back to Fresno to start our life together- Mr.
and Mrs.
George Plummer.
George, I've had some experience in these things and often what appears to be strange and contradictory has a very logical explanation.
Is there someone special in your life, Miss Holt? That's hard to pin down.
He's special to me.
I- I don't know how special I am to him.
Well, Peggy's the most special person I ever knew.
We've been together since the 10th grade and she would never, ever, just get up and leave without telling me.
Laura Holt, please come to a house telephone.
- Señorita Laura Holt.
- Excuse me.
- Hello? - Really, Laura.
You cut me to the quick.
The minute my back's turned, there you are sharing a tequila sunrise with another man.
How did- I thought this climate was a little too hot for you.
- Actually, I'm fleeing the tax collector.
- Ah.
Acapulco seemed as good a place as any to begin life as a fugitive.
Mm-hmm.
- Have you located Hector? - No.
Good.
Apparently, he is in danger and whoever's after him won't hesitate to kill anyone whom he's with.
- How do you know? - He phoned me up last night.
- Incidentally, the dead man's name is- - Pedro Campos.
Oh.
You've discovered that, have you? It hasn't all been tequila sunrises.
- Oh.
- You know, you could've told me this over the telephone.
You didn't come all the way down here because you thought I might be in some kind of danger, did you? Of course not.
I'd never insult your intelligence or your professionalism by trying to stop you from getting killed.
I've simply decided to take a much more active interest in the business, you know.
What with Murphy and Bernice no longer with us, someone has to fill the void.
And I assure you, Laura, I've made that commitment.
Whatever the problem, whatever the circumstances, you can count on me.
I'll always be there for you.
Uh, excuse me, please.
Señorita Holt, that man you were just talking to- - What about him? - Do you know him? Actually, no.
I was just giving him directions to the dining room.
- Why? - Well, he looks familiar.
Disturbingly familiar.
He has that kind of face.
Average, ordinary, common as a cold.
- I heard someone else disappeared.
- Yes.
I hope this is not the beginning of an epidemic.
Would you stop saying maybe she just wandered into town? She didn't.
I've known her since she was 14, and she'd never do anything that flaky.
- I'll need a description of Señora Plummer.
- Okay, fine.
Psst! Psst! Psst! - What are you doing hiding behind a newspaper? - Hiding.
Just how dangerous is it for you to be down here? Not dangerous at all, providing I can keep one step ahead of the local gendarmerie.
Why is El Capitán lurking about? Whatever's going on is going on in the honeymoon suite.
Ayoung woman disappeared from there this morning.
Well, then, let's find out what's going on.
Booked solid months in advance.
Then perhaps we should find out who the next occupant is, eh? Flight 48 from Los Angeles now arriving at Gate 4.
- Our name's Bloustein.
- Welcome to Acapulco, Mr.
and Mrs.
Bloustein.
- Your car is here.
- Car? - To take you to the hotel.
- The travel agent didn't say anything about a car.
All part of our fabulous fiesta honeymoon service.
Boy, this is gonna be some honeymoon.
I'm sure you'll remember it for the rest of your lives.
- Buenos días.
- Buenos días.
Michael O'Leary.
I phoned you a while ago.
Oh, yes, Señor O'Leary.
You are in luck.
We just received a cancellation not 15 minutes ago.
That is a stroke of good fortune.
Thank you.
Very unexpected too.
They had the suite reserved since, uh, February.
Really? Well, the course of marriage never does run smoothly, does it? - Even on honeymoon.
- Uh, where's your wife, sir? Oh, uh, she's taking care of a couple of minor inconveniences.
She'll be along shortly.
Hold it right there, buster.
! Ah, cupcake! - Ow! You're hurting me! - And you love it, don't you? - Mint! Absolute mint! - Ow! Try to control yourself till we get to the bedroom, my poco tiesto.
I warn you.
! I warn you.
! You are adding kidnapping and assault to a list of already penitentiary proportions.
- Please, Miss Krebs, give me a chance to explain.
- Explain? Explain what? - Failure to file a tax return.
- I am here on a very complex case.
Flight to avoid prosecution.
It began when a dead man delivered a fish to Miss Holt.
Traveling under a fraudulent passport.
Only the fish contained diamonds, and the dead man wasn't whom he said he was.
I'm gonna have to call my supervisor, get further instructions.
And now there's a deadly killer stalking the real dead man.
Maybe I can have you arrested before we extradite you.
Miss Krebs, I beg of you.
Don't touch the phone.
- Operator? Policía, por favor.
- Miss Krebs? - Yes? - Forgive me.
Uh, who is it? The bride of Frankenstein.
Oh, Laura, I've been going crazy waiting for you.
Aren't you going to carry me over the threshold? There's something in the bedroom that demands our immediate attention.
In that case, home, James! While I'm normally delighted by unexpected displays of affection- You're always telling me not to plan things- to be spontaneous, to live for the moment.
Yes.
But I don't think this is the moment.
What is she doing here? She thinks I'm a tax evader because I didn't file a tax return.
And now, the entire hotel staff thinks that she's my wife! - Well, this certainly complicates things.
- Oh! You have a definite flair for the understatement, Laura.
This certainly isn't the honeymoon I anticipated.
Well, we'd better figure out what to do with her.
Oh.
How are your prisons in the States? I hear some of them actually have cells with tellys stereos, shag carpeting, et cetera.
Don't worry.
We'll get out of this.
I'm fascinated by the way you use the word "we.
" Come on.
- Okay.
- All we have to do is make sure no one gets in this room.
All right.
I'll meet you downstairs.
- Okay? - Mm-hmm.
Filthy.
I'll send someone up immediately.
Buenos días.
Bye.
Gin! Captain Rios just called.
He may have found Hector.
The police just arrested someone answering his description.
He has no papers.
He refuses to give his name.
- Why was he arrested? - He mooned a group of nuns in the town square.
- Good Lord! - That's what they said.
Well, no sense duplicating tasks.
Why don't you trundle on down to the local lockup? I'll stay around see if there's any suspicious characters lurking about the hotel.
- You mean aside from yourself? - Vaya con dios.
And I'm telling you that I did not cancel my reservation! Miss Holt? - ¿Habla Inglés? - Like a native.
Then do the words "Follow that car" have any significance? Hey, man, we get the Starsky and Hutch down here! We call him "the man with no shame.
" - Hector! - Miss Holt? Can I speak with him, Captain? A gentle stroll, señorita.
No sudden movements that might make the guards anxious.
Thank you.
Did you really moon a group of nuns? I needed some fast attention.
I figured the safest place for me was in here.
Miss Holt, I'm really sorry.
I never meant to get you involved in this.
Help me get us out, Hector.
Pedro was hooked in a smuggling scam.
He would hide the stuff inside some tourist's luggage and then the tourist would take it across the border.
Then I guess someone would do a fast break-in on the other side and get the stuff back.
Only he got tired of being the middleman and decided to keep some for himself.
Well, he borrowed my papers for a thousand bucks.
How did he wind up on my doorstep? My old lady was always talking about how nice you were- how you were always willing to help someone in trouble.
Pedro didn't speak any English.
He hadn't even been to the States before.
So I drew him a map and told him if he needed help to go see you.
Thanks for the testimonial.
I thought he'd make it through.
Only these two guys came to his place and started banging me around.
I had to tell them what the deal was with my papers.
And then, I just ran like hell.
All right, Hector.
Let's see if we can get you out of here.
Wait! No! I'm not goin' back out on the street.
I wouldn't even make it to the airport.
Why would anyone be after you now? - They think I know who Pedro was working for.
- Do you? No! He wouldn't tell me! All he said was the less I knew, the better off I was.
He didn't say a name, a place, a destination? No.
Just Pepe's.
- Pepe's? - A disco on the costero.
- That's where he'd picked up the stash.
- But he didn't say from whom? Miss Holt, believe me, this is no time to keep secrets.
Well, I guess you'd better hang around here a bit longer.
But if Pepe's doesn't lead us anywhere, you're going straight to Mama.
Just as long as it ain't in a box.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Casual.
Nonchalant.
Two old friends who happened to bump into one another.
Aren't you a little uncomfortable being so close to your natural habitat? The gentleman in the seersucker over my right shoulder.
- That's Marty.
Marty Ring.
- You know him? - He's an insurance salesman.
He's here on a convention.
- Hmm.
Then perhaps he followed you down here to sell you a policy.
- He followed me? - Mmm.
Let's see if he's interested in old Spanish architecture or something a bit younger and more American, hmm? Buenos días.
Buenos días.
Yeah, yeah.
- He's still with us.
- Hmm.
Determined little bugger, isn't he? Shall we? Certainly not a place to wear white shoes, is it? - Or a white suit.
- Or a white-yes.
This way.
Nice bulls.
Adiós.
Aah! I hope you've taken your own advice and written yourself a lot of coverage.
You never know when you're going to run into a crying need for insurance.
Ah, ah, ah.
I wouldn't dash about if I were you.
It's a myth about bulls being enraged by red.
However, they don't react too well to sudden movement.
Read it and weep, kiddo.
"Jack Merkle.
Inspector, United States Customs"? - Why were you following Miss Holt? - She's a suspect.
In what? were lifted from three European banks.
I missed that in the press.
Buried in the back pages, no doubt.
It was kept quiet.
The prospect of that many diamonds being dumped on the open market gave everybody terminal anxiety.
Now they're starting to trickle into the States and I think the guy who bled to death all over your rug brought in a shipment.
Are you accusing me of being on the receiving end? He came to your house, lady.
You wanna explain why? This is some interrogation.
He's asking more questions than we are.
We found seaman's papers on the guy in the name of one Hector Figueroa but the prints don't match.
Come on.
Be smart.
You scratch me, I'll scratch you.
Let's start with the real Hector Figueroa.
Where can I lay my hands on him? - Why? - Nothing hostile.
Simple questions, that's all.
Like, "How come your papers wound up on a dead man?" Right now, you're minimum withholding evidence maybe smuggling, and possibly accessory to murder.
It's always nice dealing with the government, Inspector.
- Get me outta here! - ¡Toro.
! ¡Toro.
! ¡Toro.
! - ¡Toro! - Hey, hey.
! Hey, hey.
! Hey, hey! ¡Toro.
! ¡Toro.
! Hey, ¡toro.
! - Whose idea was this anyway? - Yours, I believe.
Think about it, troops.
You wanna find me, just look over your shoulder.
You were a trifle uncooperative back there, eh? I'm not ready to give Hector up until we get him back to Los Angeles.
I don't think that's gonna sit too well with Mr.
Merkle.
Well, at last we have something truly in common.
- Oh? - We're both running.
You from Customs, me from the I.
R.
S.
Don't forget the police.
Ah.
Sun-drenched days and glamorous nights, eh? When the fish actually contained diamonds and with Hector running for his life not to mention a poor honeymooner literally kidnapped from this suite- this very room- then you can see that Mr.
Steele is definitely down here on a legitimate case and not on some desperate flight from justice.
And if you were honest, Mildred- Oh.
May I call you Mildred? Thank you.
If you were honest with yourself, Mildred you'd have to admit that you were a bit overzealous that perhaps you transcended your authority by pursuing Mr.
Steele to Acapulco.
Now, I'm going to remove this gag in a spirit of friendship and cooperation.
Good luck.
- Ah! - Oh! - My tongue fell asleep.
- Oh.
! I have to compliment you on tracking down Mr.
Steele the way you did.
- Wouldn't you agree, sir? - Oh, yes.
First-rate piece of detection.
Top-notch.
Gung ho, yes.
You know, Mildred, I think you have just the kind of investigative talent and personal initiative required in our organization.
- You wouldn't be offering me a job, would you? - Well- Because until your tax situation is cleared up, that could be construed as bribery.
- Never crossed my mind.
- Wouldn't have you on a platter.
You know, just as soon as this case is brought to a successful conclusion I promise that Mr.
Steele's failure to file a tax return will all become clear.
- Agonizingly clear.
- I'd like to call my supervisor.
By all means, Mildred.
Come.
We trust you.
- You left your trowel in the bedroom.
- We have to gain her confidence.
We can't very well keep her bound and gagged for the rest of our time down here.
- Why not? I find it rather reassuring.
- All right, let's recap.
We know Pedro was smuggling diamonds into the States by hiding them in tourists' luggage and we know where he picked up the diamonds.
- We do? - At a disco called Pepe's.
- First thing in the morning, we have a look.
- You know, Laura in crimes of this magnitude, it's usually standard to offer a finder's fee- usually at 10% of the value- and 10% of $250 million is- $25 million.
Do you realize we could be given $25 million as a reward for being honest? That really astounds you, doesn't it? It heartens me, Laura.
It absolutely heartens me.
If I'm not in the office in an hour, I'm going on suspension! - Oh! - Ooh! Dear! Oh! Ah.
My, my, my, you look beautiful.
- Come here.
Mmm! - You don't look so bad yourself.
Thank you.
Please, sit.
Bottoms up.
A tequila sunrise.
How thoughtful of you.
Actually, it's, um, compliments of- He wasn't kidding about just looking over our shoulders for him.
It doesn't give us much maneuvering room.
I thought Mildred was going to join us.
Um, I sent her into town to buy some clothes.
- How generous of you.
- Well, it's the least I could do.
I mean, the poor woman only brought a satchel full of tax returns.
You know, I have a feeling that we're getting down to the wire on this thing.
Well, shouldn't you sound more pleased? Frankly, I'm nervous.
Well, don't be.
I mean, we can handle Merkle.
It's not Merkle that concerns me.
It's you.
I don't wanna turn around and find you're not there when I need you.
Afraid I'll run out on you to save my own neck, eh? It happened in the lobby when you saw Captain Rios.
You really think I'd leave you in the lurch? Or are you just curious? - Part of my mysterious past.
- Well, sure I'm curious.
You announce you're going to take a more active interest in the agency and I wonder how many other places we can't go because some other Captain Rios is looking for you.
I wonder when somebody's gonna show up on the agency's doorstep looking for you to solve an old case or settle an old grievance.
You're damn right I'm curious! You wanna know what happened in Mexico City? There was something called the Marchesa Collection.
Five pieces set with emeralds, rubies, sapphires.
Given as a tribute to one of the Borgias in the 15th century.
Somewhere along the way, it got broken up, scattered.
- Buenas noches.
- Buenas noches.
Is there a song you would like us to play for you this evening? I can't really think of one.
Uh, gracias.
Then we hope you will enjoy this one.
¡Bello.
! ¡Bello.
! ¡Bello.
! ¡Bello.
! ¡Bello.
! ¡Bello.
! - Thank you.
- Yeah.
Gracias.
Apart, they were worth a great deal.
Together, they were priceless.
Over the years, a Belgian collector managed to acquire four of them.
The fifth eluded him until it was discovered in Mexico City.
- Buenas noches.
- Buenas noches.
May we play your favorite song for you? I don't really have a favorite song, gracias.
Then permit us.
¡Exquisito.
! ¡Exquisito.
! ¡Exquisito.
! Exquisito.
Exquisito.
- They're coming over here because you're such a good tipper.
- Mm-hmm.
Where was I? The fifth piece was discovered in Mexico City.
A price was agreed upon.
But before they could change hands, it was stolen for a very wealthy, very powerful businessman.
- Buenas noches.
- Buenas noches.
Is there something we play for you this evening? - Yes.
"The Ride of the Valkyries.
" - Of course.
- I stole it.
- What? I said, I stole the bloody thing back! So, what do you think? Do I pass inspection? - You look wonderful, Mildred! - Oh, yes, smashing.
Well, when do we eat? 'Cause every time I go shopping, I get hungry.
Mildred's stationed in the lobby.
Mm-hmm.
- Look what I found.
- Where? George's luggage.
They were in the hanger rolls.
- Peggy must have walked in on whoever was hiding them.
- Mm-hmm.
- Which means he might come back to reclaim them.
- Huh.
May I ask you a question? No, I don't think what you did was illegal.
Expedient- How long do I have to keep on proving myself to you? I mean, why is it so important what I was? We've been together for what could be called a season.
Doesn't that count? Seasons come and go.
And when they're over sometimes you can hardly remember them.
Damn it, Laura! I care for you.
- Don't! - Why not? You confuse me! It confuses me! It's what frightens me the most about having more than a working relationship with you! Every time we're not on a case, not tending strictly to business the same old confusion sets in.
You think it's any different for me? I've never spent this much time in one place in my entire life! And it's not only because I enjoy playing detective.
I mean, sometimes- sometimes I look at myself and I say "What's happened to you, old sport? I mean, you've become positively domesticated.
" That's not what I mean! I'm terrified of losing myself in you- of being swallowed up by you until there's no me anymore! But you're the one who jumped into my arms.
"Home, James," you said, pointing to this very bedroom! I rehearsed that all the way up in the elevator.
- I decided I wasn't gonna be afraid anymore.
- And? It scared the hell out of me! Don't laugh.
I saw what happened to my mother.
She was completely, totally consumed by my father.
Nothing moved in our house unless it revolved totally around him.
When he left her, her life just stopped.
No joy, no sorrow, nothing, not even anger.
It was as if he'd taken every bit of feeling she had with him.
Laura, you're not your mother.
No.
But part of me could be very easily.
That's the part I have to guard against.
- You want guarantees.
- And you can't give them.
It seems we have an awfully long way to go.
Wouldn't it be nice if- if we could get there together? Looking for something, amigo? We'll never beat him down All right.
Let's call Mildred.
Maybe she can get a look at his transportation.
You know, Mildred isn't half bad as an investigator.
She not only managed to get the license number she found out the car was rented to a one Paul Dominick from Chicago.
Perhaps I should reconsider divorcing her.
Uh, shall we, um-Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
A touch of India.
It's closed! Yes.
More like abandoned.
Oh, what a shame.
You'd never know by looking at it now, but at one point it was the most popular spot in Acapulco.
People came from all over the world just to spend a night at Pepe's.
Every night was New Year's Eve.
The ceiling would open up, and balloons would come down at midnight.
- They had this huge piano bar- - Is that where you tripped the light fantastic? Never mind.
As I remember, you did a fan dance on a bar for your boyfriend and his banker buddies.
Let's just drop the subject, all right? It was a long time ago.
Another era, another person.
Well, unlike you, what you did in your past doesn't trouble me.
Ooh! Was that meant to prove it? The car that accosted you outside of Pedro's-what color was it? Um- Uh, a maroon Chevy, I think.
Well, perhaps they switched.
The one that's following us is a gray one.
You know, I suddenly have an uncontrollable urge to take a romantic stroll on the beach.
Oh, you smooth talker, you.
Well, Pepe's certainly seems an ideal place to keep a cache of diamonds.
- Or an American honeymooner.
- Yes.
If Peggy's in there, we can't do anything precipitous.
- That could prove fatal.
- Unless they've already disposed of her.
Oh, please, don't even entertain that thought.
Why don't we find out who owns the place now? See if we can figure a way in? Notorious.
Well, it's true.
Pepe's did have a bit of a reputation in those days.
Cary Grant, Ingrid Bergman, RKO, 1946.
- I must have missed that one.
- Wonderful.
Ingrid infiltrates a group of Nazis, headed by Claude Rains to discover what they're up to.
It all begins at a wild party.
Cary, of course, is there- You still haven't told me what happened to Ingrid Bergman after Claude Rains discovered she was a government agent.
- Ah, nothing, really.
- Oh, come on.
If I'm gonna play the Bergman part, I'd like to know.
- He poisoned her.
A little cyanide in the soup.
- Swell.
It was only a movie.
But Cary rescued her in the nick of time.
Richard Blaine, please come to a house telephone.
- Señor Richard Blaine.
- What is it? I hope someone else is a movie buff.
- Richard Blaine, please come to a house telephone.
- Richard Blaine.
Why is that name so familiar? It's, uh- It's the name of the character Bogart played in Casablanca.
And one of your passport names? The one you used when you were in Mexico City? Laura, I have another sudden overwhelming urge to run! - Uh- - Mr.
Blaine.
Ah, yes.
Congratulations on your promotion, Captain.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Mr.
Blaine and I are old acquaintances from Mexico City.
What brings you to Acapulco, Captain? Oh, I came for the water.
I find it very relaxing.
- Mexico City was much too hectic.
- Mm-hmm.
Captain, I know that Mr.
Blaine is wanted in connection to a certain unfortunate incident and I'm positive that he can explain everything to your satisfaction.
However, we're right in the middle of a case and if we don't act quickly, a woman may lose her life.
So if you would be kind enough- You're most persuasive, Señorita Holt.
Unfortunately, my hands are tied.
So I'm afraid that Mr.
Blaine must be returned to Mexico City, hmm? - Shall we? - Oh, yes, of course.
Go.
I am very disappointed in you, señorita.
Ah! Uh, piña colada, por favor.
Ah.
Muchas gracias.
Excuse me.
Refreshing, eh? Yes.
Mr.
Steele? Mr.
Steele, it's me, Mildred.
- Mildred Krebs.
- Ah, Miss Krebs! There you are.
You're an angel of mercy.
Ah.
Good.
How are you holding up? - Fine.
I'm just fine.
- Good.
Good.
Did Captain Rios question you about our relationship? Relentlessly.
Now I know what it's like to be on the other end of an audit.
- Mm-hmm.
- This has been the most incredible time of my life.
- Really? - I mean, who would have thought that just a few short days ago I would be in a men's room in Acapulco watching a man take off his pants.
Oh, my goodness! Not even Bernie Cornfeld's audit was this fraught.
- What's he doing here? - He helped me locate Paul Dominick.
Right there- the one in the ice-cream suit.
Dominick's a high-line fence from Chicago.
Boy, I love all this technical talk.
I talked with the organized crime boys.
He was in San Diego when Hector's tuna boat docked.
Then he hopped a plane down here.
Dollars to doughnuts, he's the contact in the States.
If he's here, then he must know where the diamonds are and quite possibly Peggy.
If you can help me nail Dominick I'll forget everything about Hector's being involved in this thing.
Um, no offense, but don't you think this Dominick character's a little out of your league? I can handle myself.
Besides, while you're keeping an eye on Pepe's the inspector will keep an eye on me.
- Your faithful little shadow.
- Now, you're clear on your part? I can handle myself.
Well, showtime.
I'll be outside.
Stay close.
I don't want anything unforeseen to happen to Miss Holt.
Just do your little dance, junior.
I'll take care of the security.
- Come back to the table.
Come on.
- Let go of me! - I'm not through with you yet! - Hey, watch it! You're not only through! You're finished! Gorgeous, isn't he? $500 jacket, $5,000 Rolex- not to mention all the other baubles I bought you! You got your money's worth, didn't ya? Not enough to pay for you and your wife! He's married to her? And don't kid yourself.
You weren't all that good.
I just kept you around because I like having something pretty to wear on my arm.
You lousy, little tramp! Hey, whoa, whoa! Come on! Enough of that! Come on! Take a walk! Oh! Oh.
! Oh, honey.
! Oh, my poor baby.
Sweetheart, are you all right? Say something.
Speak to me.
Oh, my poor baby.
Are you hurt? Oh! You animal! - Don't overdo it, Mildred.
- I'm sorry.
I suppose you want a reward for being my big, strong protector.
Were you really keeping that guy? It's a lot more fun than collecting stamps.
Why don't you show me what you've got and then I'll decide what you get.
Mm-hmm.
! She's certainly thrown herself into the part.
- Oh, she's hot, all right.
- Yeah, I don't get it.
First, she plays Gypsy Rose Lee for a former boyfriend.
Now she's playing Miss Sadie Thompson for a cheap crook.
But for me, it's Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.
- Well, maybe you frighten her.
- Yes.
That's what she says.
You don't know what it's like for a woman to desire a man.
Oh! I mean, to lust down to her loins and yet fear what that desire might unleash in her.
Are you, uh, speaking from personal experience? Hell no! My ex-husband couldn't unleash the dog.
Aw.
Just remember it's easy to let yourself go with someone you don't care about because there's no risk involved.
At the moment, that's hollow consolation.
Thank you, Mildred.
Whose boat? Mine.
Uh-uh.
No? Too many phone calls to arrange getting us on it.
Okay.
It belongs to a friend.
Nice friend to have.
What's his name? That's all you do- ask questions.
Adds to my allure.
Who are you, and what do you want? I thought I wanted you, but I just changed my mind.
I'm not into pain or animals, no matter how sleek.
Okay, okay.
His name is Sebastien- Alexander Sebastien.
All right? Now, that wasn't so hard, was it? Look what I've done.
I've taken off all my lotion.
You'll just have to put on a fresh coat.
Uh, I'd like to rent a horse.
Ah, sí, sí, sí, sí, señorita.
- You look good with a tan.
- I'm surprised you don't have more color yourself.
He put so much lotion on you, I was afraid you were gonna slither off the boat.
- You were watching? - It's my job to keep an eye on you.
No, no, no.
That's Merkle's job.
Your job is to keep an eye on Pepe's.
Well, nothing's happening at Pepe's.
Dominick's friend with the boat is named Alexander Sebastien.
See what Mildred can dig up on him.
And while I'm watching and she's digging, what will you be doing? Dancing.
I've been invited to a party at Sebastien's villa.
Huh.
Undercover work's hellish, isn't it? My, my, aren't we testy today.
Sorry.
I've been asleep on the beach.
Those sand crabs have a nasty little bite.
Well, if Sebastien turns out to be the one with the diamonds we'll be sleeping in our own beds before you know it.
Yes, well, just don't get too cocky.
Anyone who could engineer a $250 million robbery can also see through a high school rendition of The Temptress.
Might I remind you that I have been doing this a lot longer than you have! I must congratulate Paul on his exquisite taste.
Or is it just dumb luck that he found you? This house is magnificent.
Have you been here long? - About 10 years.
- Then you must remember Pepe's.
Yes, of course.
But I was hardly an habitué, though I did enjoy the atmosphere occasionally.
- What happened to it? - Like all things in this world, Miss Holt people just got bored and went on to other diversions.
- Do you know if it's been sold? - Yes.
As a matter of fact, I bought it.
Here we are.
You know, if I wasn't such a secure guy, I'd be jealous as hell.
What are you trying to do, beat my time, Alex? If I thought I had the chance- Have you ever been to Chicago? No, but I've flown over it so many times, I feel like a native.
Come back with me.
- When? - Tomorrow.
Come on.
- I'll mull it.
- I only ask once.
Well, then, in that case, the answer- - Oh! - What's-What's wrong? - You okay? - I don't know.
I'm dizzy.
Have her lie down in one of the bedrooms.
Yeah, sure.
Come on.
Let me take you.
- Sorry.
- All right, take it easy.
Take it easy.
Come on.
All right, easy.
Okay? I want to go back hotel.
No.
No, you can't go anywhere in this condition.
Oh.
Here's a nice, comfortable bed.
I only had one you gave me.
Well, uh, sometimes that's all it takes, you know.
Just-Just one.
Now, you lie down, and you try to sleep it off.
And, uh, you'll be just fine in a couple of hours.
- Okay? Huh? - Oh! All right? - How is she? - She's, uh, sick as a dog.
First, we move the merchandise.
Then we dispose of Miss Holt.
My pleasure.
Cyanide in the soup.
She's not in her room, and the bed hasn't been slept in.
Where the devil's Merkle? He's supposed to be watching her! I'm going to Sebastien's, and you, uh- - How about if I watch Pepe's? - Good thinking.
You know, Mildred, you really do have a flair for this sort of thing.
- Oh, thanks, Mr.
Steele.
- Yes.
If Miss Holt should return, um, chastise her.
- Well? - Lots of activity.
People moving in and out.
- You didn't catch a glimpse of Miss Holt, by any chance? - Uh-uh.
Well, there comes a time in every case when action- swift, decisive action- is called for.
- What are you gonna do, Mr.
Steele? - Damned if I know.
- Oh.
- I'm just kidding.
A little levity to lighten the mood.
Every master detective always has an appropriate plan to fit any given situation.
Oh.
- Ready.
- Okay.
Oh! Oh! That is the most inspired plan I've ever heard of in my life.
I mean, the sheer brilliance! The total daring! The element of surprise that is so crucial in any rescue.
Only someone like you would think of that.
Probably because it's insane, not to mention suicidal.
I can't believe this is happening to me- any of it! I mean, it's- it's like a dream.
It's like a fantasy.
It's like a James Bond movie.
Oh, you don't know what a dull, drab life I've led, Mr.
Steele.
It was so colorless.
I mean, adding and subtracting figures all day long, these columns.
I guess I just have a flair for drudgery.
Okay, Mildred.
Now, Mildred, you're certain you've operated one of these boats before? Well- Mildred? Say something, anything.
Lie if the moment calls for it.
Well, when I was a kid, in the summer we used to have this little putt-putt.
- Putt-putt? - Yeah.
A little two-horsepower putt-putt.
My brother and I used to putt-putt around the lake on it.
Well, it's gotta be on the same concept.
All right, Mildred, take it out several hundred yards and then head towards Pepe's.
- And, for God's sake, keep a constant speed.
- You got it.
And, remember, the instant we get to Pepe's, cut the rope! Laura? Laura? Laura? Laura, come on.
Wake up.
Wake up.
What took you so long, Cary? Oh.
Thank you.
Peggy, come on, my dear.
Come on.
Aah! This is beginning to hurt! Peggy! Upsy-daisy.
Oh! Are you all right, Miss Holt? I'm fine, Mildred, thank you.
And you? How are you? - Honey, we were so worried about you.
- Ladies, please.
! Can we save the dialogue till later? While Mrs.
Plummer appears svelte, at the moment she's dead weight.
- Shall we? - Yes.
I saw nothing in there resembling diamonds.
Well, maybe that's what all the activity was about.
They're taking them somewhere else.
Dominick did mention something about going to Chicago today.
That's about the last thing I remember.
He certainly isn't gonna take off with in an overnight bag, is he? Sebastien's boat! Oh! Give me the shoes.
Call Captain Rios! - Right.
- Oh, wait! - I've never seen you so possessed with a sense of justice before.
Laura, they're taking off with my finder's fee! - Ah! Unarmed.
- Now all we need is Dominick.
Yes, and whoever else may happen to be down there.
We'd be wonderful targets if we just barged in.
Did you ever happen to see Key Largo? - Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, Warner Bros.
, 1948? - Please.
- The last movie almost cost me my life.
- I only meant- - No! - Well, Bogart was in much the same situation.
Trapped in a boat with a group of killers down below.
- He used a rather interesting way of luring them out.
- All right.
Let's hear it.
Made them seasick.
Finally, they had to come up for air.
He was waiting to pop them off.
Eh? - I like that a lot better than Notorious.
- Good.
Excuse me.
Oh, jolly, I like it.
Hey, Sebastien, what are you doin'? Drop it.
Drop it.
One word, and parts of you will wind up in Hawaii.
All right? Huh? Where's the real Inspector Merkle? Oh, him.
He's up in the hills somewhere, um sitting in a lime pit.
Tell him it's all clear.
I got Dominick! There's no one else up here! Uh-huh.
Now, tell him to set it on course and come up here.
Set it on course and come up here, and don't forget Ingrid! What? Who's Ingrid? The one we call Mildred.
Her real name is Ingrid.
You're some group, you know that? Everybody's a phony.
We can't hold a candle to you.
That's awfully clever, having us infiltrate the people who worked for you.
Well, once you tied Dominick with the diamonds I wanted to keep you close so you wouldn't go to the policía.
Not that it matters anymore, but where exactly is this treasure trove of diamonds? The extra fuel tanks.
We're just gonna whip on over to Puerto Vallarta and set up shop.
You know, you're really getting very good at the movie game.
I mean, Ingrid was an excellent clue that you were in trouble.
I'm beginning to think it's the only way I'm going to survive with you.
So Merkle was part of it too, eh? - No, that's not Merkle.
He just assumed his identity.
- Oh.
What a cheap, shoddy thing to do- assume someone else's identity.
You know, I think you should be the one to turn over the diamonds to Captain Rios.
Well, what do you mean, return the diamonds? It'll go a long way in convincing him of your honesty.
Laura, there's a finder's fee involved here.
Especially when you explain to him - why you stole that piece of jewelry.
- Twenty-five- - You were only getting it back to its rightful owner- - m-million- - even though your methods were a little unlawful.
- dollars! How many years do you think you'd get if somebody like the captain isn't sympathetic and understanding? You know, sometimes I find the straight and narrow very confining.
Very confining.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Official business.
Internal Revenue.
Thank you very much.
Good-bye.
Okay.
I've figured out how to get you off the hook for that nonexistent tax return.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah.
You file an amended return.
You pay the tax.
You're gonna eat the penalties and the interest.
But you're all square with Uncle Sam.
That's wonderful, Mildred.
- It's my last official act with the I.
R.
S.
- What do you mean? I got discharged for dereliction of duty.
I stayed too long in Mexico.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mildred.
And it was basically our fault.
You remember that job you offered me? I know you did it so I'd go easy on you.
No, no, no, no, no.
You were very helpful with the case.
I'm not very good at begging.
I could grovel a little.
I think it would be wonderful for all concerned.
What do you think? Hmm? I think it's outrageous.
I wouldn't pay this if I were you.
I'm not going to, Mr.
Steele.