Reno 911! (2003) s02e01 Episode Script

( gunshots ) ( breathing heavily ) ( echoing ) guys ? ( gasps ) Oh, god.
Oh.
Aah ! Aah ! Aah ! Oh ! Aah.
Are you kenny rogers ? Yeah.
Am I dreaming this, or are you dreaming this ? Did that hurt ? Not really, no.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
( gasps ) What is wrong with you ? ( grunts ) Are you having that gay-ass kenny rogers dream again ? What kenny rogers dream ? The one you have all the time.
I wasn't dreaming about kenny rogers.
I don't know what the hell James ( clears throat ) Get some help.
Whoo ! Come here ! ( tires screeching ) Oh Ah ! Whoa ! ( growling ) ( sirens blaring ) ( sirens blaring ) ( junior ) you see that game last night ? ( garcia ) oh, yeah Reno lady wolfpack kicking ass.
Made it to the finals, beat sacramento.
Going to the finals.
They're getting points on the transition on the fast break.
I like that, man.
I've been trying to buy tickets to that game this Friday For two weeks, it's been sold out.
Who's your guys' best friend in the world ? Santa claus ? That's what I was gonna say-- santa claus.
Nope-- jones is your best friend.
'cause guess who's got tickets to the lady wolfpack.
Whoa ! Yeah ! Shut up ! We're going, we're all going.
University.
Nevada arena.
To jonesy ! Hey ! Hey.
Hello, gang.
Good morning ! Good morning, indeed.
Very good morning, indeed.
Yes, it is, yes, it is.
Guess what ? What ? I've been promoted.
Really ? I'm going up to carson city.
Hey ! Going to carson city.
All right.
Nevada state police director of public relations, jim dangle ! Dangle, good for you.
You go, girl.
Yeah, I'm goin', girl.
( laughs ) oh.
Um, and I thought-- I don't know-- I made some reservations when I got the fax, And I thought maybe we could have a little farewell dinner For me Friday night at dan swanky's at 8:00.
And I look forward to seeing you there, And I'm gonna miss you all A whole burlap bag full of missing-you.
Uh I think Saturday is a great day for dan swanky's.
What part of "I made a reservation at dan swanky's" Didn't I make clear ? Sir, I-- I got us all tickets to, um, the lady wolfpack.
There's a final conference game.
And this doesn't happen very often, sir.
It's mandatory.
It's mandatory, how's that ? I just-- sir, I just did a-- Are we talking about the lady wolfpack still ? I Could we for a second ? Wait, shh, shh-- you know what's flying in ? ( imitating helicopter ) Oh, a period To your fucking sentence about the lady wolfpack just arrived.
If anyone deserves this promotion, it's jim.
As hard as it is for me to say, You know, I don't want him to leave, but he deserves it.
You know, there are women who prance around In these flitty, flirty little short skirts And, uh, show their legs And they get promoted, you know, day two.
Uh, poor jim has been here a long time In those "plum smugglers", and he's about due.
We, uh, just got a call about a prowler Here at the gold rush trailer park, So we're gonna check it out.
There's our man.
How we doing tonight, sir ? How y'all boys doing ? We're doing fine.
We're doing just fine.
Why don't you come out from the water heater there.
Aw, shit.
Whoo ! Holy lord.
Very funny, sir.
Step out from the water heater.
( screeching ) Hey Ho ! Hey, hold on ! Hey ! Whoo ! You son of a bitch, it's on now ! Okay, reno, reno I'm gonna kick your ass, you little trailer monkey ! I'm at gold rush trailer park.
I think I'm gonna need assistance.
Uh, we got a-- Whoo ! Son of a bitch, come here ! I got him, I got him.
He's coming back to your side.
Whoo ! Whoo Whoo ! ( all screaming ) Shit, go ! Go, garcia, go ! ( all screaming ) Oh Oh ! ( tires screech ) I tried to pop a wheelie, I couldn't.
( clears throat ) Well It's my last couple days Here in the fair city of reno, nevada.
Trudy wiegel's always kind of carried a torch for me So I, uh, thought I'd come by and Give her a little Charity sugar.
Gonna be the thrill of her life.
Sheriff's department.
Why, hello, miss.
Hi, jim.
What the heck is going on ? Sheriff's department.
Look at you, you little You cute little thing.
You look as pretty as a picture.
Did you know I was coming by or something ? No, I-- Those are for the lovely lady.
Thank you.
( laughs ) Oh, my gosh, I'm just-- I'm amazed.
Can I come inside ? Well, um, yeah, I mean, you can-- You know, I'll be going down to carson And, uh, we won't, uh, ever see each other again.
You're here in your little pashmina, and-- It's actually just a towel.
A little towel ( growls ) It's just velcro.
Just rip it right off, and all of a sudden, I'm naked.
Rips right off there, doesn't it ? Oh, god, you know what ? This is actually not a great time.
Trudy ! What's going on, who is this ? Thank you for the flowers, jim.
Okay.
Oh ! Okay.
I don't care.
I don't fucking care.
I'm real excited About going to dangle's retirement dinner tonight.
Even though the lady wolfpack's playing The western conference championship.
Seen one basketball game You seen 'em all ! Seen 'em all.
( laughs ) Gonna have pizza with friends.
I burned a cd that they're gonna play at dan swanky's.
They said they'd turn down the sports and put on the cd I made.
It's pretty fun, It's got some cyndi lauper and some wham ! And Cyndi lauper's still alive ? Packing up a few, uh, loose ends.
( sighs ) Just gonna look for a, uh, new bicycle for carson city.
Something, you know, A little flashy but within my price range.
Hello.
Hello, click-and-bid.
"racing frame, titanium.
" "official reno sheriff's department bike.
" Damn it ! Damn it ! Damn it ! Damn it ! That's my bike.
You did it now Icecat77.
It's the right place.
( whistling ) This is the place.
Oh, hello.
There she blows.
I come about my bicycle, you son of a bitch ! ( gunshots ) Probably pissing his pants right now.
( gunshot ) Oh, jesus ! God, no ! ( gunshots ) Aah ! Aah ! Never actually kicked a lock off-- Before ! ( spits ) Back ! Dangle ? Hi.
Travis Oh.
God damn, boy.
What are you doing, just shooting trailers or what ? Shit, I heard you out here shootin'.
I thought you were one of them cooper boys.
I didn't recognize this being your place.
Yeah, I redid it.
I painted it up, And I got the new wires up for the exterior power.
You used to have that big tapestry of the skeleton Giving the other skeleton a-- Like, uh, oral sex over there.
Yeah, up against the drum.
It said "get a job.
" One of these damn rednecks took it.
They ain't too cold.
Refrigerator's on the fritz, but, uh I should probably hit it.
Hey, you wouldn't want to buy this bike, would you ? $85.
No, I'm all right, I don't need a bike anymore.
They'll probably give you one in carson city, won't they ? Yeah, well, dangle finally got promoted, I guess.
My grandma used to say, "some turds float to the top "and some sink to the bottom, But at the end, they all get flushed.
" Yep.
Some, you gotta flush twice.
Yeah.
Get 'em down.
Especially with them, uh, new minimum-flow toilets they got.
Yeah.
Dangle is definitely a double-flusher.
I guess that's a compliment in its way.
I think so.
How's it going, sir ? Not-- not-- not too good.
It's my-- my dog.
The vet says he's got cancer, And he doesn't have long to live.
And this morning, he-- he's just suffering a lot And I don't know what to do about it.
I-I just didn't know who to call.
Sir, why don't you just call animal control ? Well, I did, but I can't afford the fee That it would cost to put him down.
And then the burial fees and handling, And I-I just can't afford it.
( sobbing ) All right, okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Come here, all right.
All right, all right.
Okay, buddy.
I had a dog myself when I was young-- toby.
And I had to-- I had to put him down.
So, uh, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you.
I'm gonna I'm gonna put him down for you, sir.
Thank you.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, buddy.
How you doing ? How you-- ( gunshot ) Thanks.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're welcome.
( coughs ) Thank you very much, I appreciate it.
( woman ) hey ! You get off my property ! I'm not on your property ! Calm down, ma'am.
What happened ?! I warned you to keep him out of my freakin' yard ! You killed my dog ? No.
You killed my dog ! No, I did not, ma'am.
I-I'm gonna go start the car.
Why you kill my dog ?! ( man laughing ) ( all shouting ) Come on out, sir ! Sir-- sir, come on out ! Jump down here, sir ! Come on, sir ! He's a cripple.
Here, here, make a human-- There's a trampoline in the backyard.
Come on, there's a trampoline ! Trampoline in the backyard ! Hold on, okay ? Okay, here they come right now, okay ? ( all shouting ) You gotta do it now, sir ! Right now ! Come on, sir, you gotta do it now.
( all shouting ) Oh Shit.
Son of a bitch.
Let's just put it back.
Go, go, go ! Hut, hut, hut ! Watch the pole ! Watch the pole ! Watch out the pole, wiegel.
( chanting ) here we go, wolfpack, here we go.
Whoo ! I'm the taiwanese girl, check it out, check it out.
Whoa ! For three ! ( laughing ) oh.
Yeah ! You guys aren't going to the game, are you ? No.
No.
Okay.
Hey.
Do you think it's okay to leave the baby in the car ? Of course, the window's cracked open.
( siren blares ) Hold it right there, people.
It's never, ever okay to leave a baby in the car.
But we're only going in for a couple of beers.
Let's pretend for a second That your baby is a stereo system.
I don't follow you.
I can't play cassettes in a baby.
What I mean is you wouldn't leave Your valuable hi-fi stereo in a car, would you ? No way, somebody would steal it.
Exactly.
A healthy baby is worth $10,000 to $20,000 on the internet.
Even if he's chinese.
Wow, that makes a lot of sense.
Dollars and cents.
This is deputy raineesha williams.
Keepin' it real.
Real safe.
( kid coughing ) All right, children, we have a very special guest From the reno sheriff's department.
Here's officer rudy tooty trudy ! Hey, kids ! ( screaming ) No, it's not loaded ! It's not loaded ! ( gunshot ) I'm just gonna put it down.
♪ for he's a jolly good fellow ♪ ♪ for he's a jolly good fellow ♪ ♪ for he's a jolly good fellow ♪ Okay.
Whoo.
Yeah ! Whoo ! ( howls ) ( howls ) How about a toast ? Yeah ! Toast ! How about a toast ? To the pizza ! Yes ! Hear ! Hear ! To the pizza ! To the pizza ! Shit, I'm sorry.
Anybody else, uh-- anybody else give two seconds Of fucking thought to this, or Wow, okay.
Shit.
I was supposed to place all these people's bets.
Should I go ? To be honest with you, I'd like to go home.
Okay, perfect.
I wrote a little something.
It was about my mother's suicide, and my time-- I gotta use the restroom.
Okay, that's fine.
I'm almost-- I'm almost done.
Happy birthday.
"I was-- I was born in arkansas in the year 19" Get the rebound ! "dad sold bibles from door to door.
"I was about 7 when we found out "that dad had another family in chicago.
"I've never met my half-siblings erique, tanya, and russell.
But we e-mail once in a while.
" That's what I'm talking about ! ( cheering ) White girls can jump, whoo ! ( laughing ) did you hear what garcia said ? You know what ? Dismissed, gang.
Go watch the game, it's all right.
Are you sure ? Yeah, go watch the game.
You sure ? Yeah.
Go watch the game.
See you Monday.
Bye, you guys.
You look so sad.
Oh, no, I'm fine.
I'm good.
Carson city Carson city.
Dangle, I just wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten that, um You owe me $185, and For what ? The tanning membership that we were gonna go halvsies on.
Oh.
Yep, yep.
Could you do me a solid ? Mm-hmm.
Uh, don't cash this right away, okay ? We've all been there.
Hey, there's jonesy in the stands ! He's got his wig on, you guys ! Look at him ! Jonesy ! Yeah ! ( howling ) If someone from the force Is gonna get promoted to lieutenant, It will be one of the minority officers Because of affirmative action.
Myself not inclusive in that, Even though I've been on the force for 15 years.
Hey, hey, hey, you're mexican.
Well, on the pecking order, It goes coloreds, mexicans, irish.
You know who should be lieutenant ? Who ? No, that's not going to happen.
I know it's not going to, but it should.
No.
Why ? Because if you were president, Then You'd probably-- You're gonna say something racist, aren't you ? You're gonna say something racist right now.
And I'm gonna stop it.
No, actually, I was going to say something in french.
Now you don't get to hear it.
You wanna hear it anyway ? Yeah.
Au bon pain.
That's what a robot would say if he wanted bread.
What ? Hi, gang.
Ahh ( grunts ) Good morning.
Aren't you supposed to be somewhere else ? What a surprise ! Uh, my mistake, I, uh-- I kind of skimmed the letter.
It said, "promotion," "carson city," Yadda, yadda, yadda.
I didn't read the second page of the fax.
It was somebody else's promotion.
I was in charge of parking area "c.
" Uh, it was actually weird.
A lot of people really did wanna park Right up next to the building for the promotion of this guy And so I really had to lay down the law a couple times And say, "hey, you know, The shuttle's here for a reason.
" Hey, everybody, look.
This doughnut kind of looks like a shrimp.
I think I speak for all of us When I say that we're glad that you're back I guess.
And I apologize for not being at the I thought-- No, that was a very hip-hop apology.
It's like, "you gotta accept my apology, 'cause I'm street.
" You see how you did that ? I apologize, and I'm sorry.
Okay.
Is that white enough ? How was that apology ? Was that, um, not hip-hop enough ?