Resident Alien (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Resident Alien" Hello, cousin.
You cannot give up on your mission.
Once I eradicate humanity Don't move.
I'll return to my planet a hero.
If you don't tell me what is happening, I'm going to lose my shit.
I am what your people call an extraterrestrial.
If you kill everyone, you kill me.
Then I won't kill everyone.
I will miss you, friend.
I'll miss you too, friend.
Hi.
You're taking me home, right? This is some bullshit.
Being an alien is easier than being a human.
We have evolved past having emotions, so we are not forced to deal with things like seasonal depression or road rage.
We also have no roads, so nobody can cut you off, not even Alpha Draconians, who are lizard-faced dickheads.
After living on Earth, I am not just an alien with human emotions.
I am an alien with human memories.
Is there a point where I become more human than alien? I wanna go home! I'm not turning around.
You should've thought of that before you got in.
I didn't know we were going all the way to Grandma's house! Well, now you know, all right? You can sing the song "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to pass the time.
You are the spider because everyone hates you and you are itsy bitsy.
You are! And you're mean! I'm not going.
Go ahead.
Jump out of the car.
Your lungs will explode.
I'll enjoy washing your guts off the side of the car.
- Turn around, stupid! - What are you doing? Let go! You've suffered fairly significant head trauma.
Are you experiencing any issues with memory loss? You were pretty dazed when they brought you in here.
They said they found you walking down the road naked.
Do you remember anything? Do you know who you are? I'm an alien.
I'm here to kill everyone.
They have Max.
The military, the mercenaries, whatever the hell they were.
They must have taken him out of the warehouse.
- You don't know that.
- I looked everywhere.
Two hours.
Inside, outside.
I mean, Max is gone.
What the hell am I gonna tell his parents? Try this.
"Your kid is gone.
There was an alien involved.
" Oh.
I can't do it.
Well, you can't run from this.
I'll be with you every step of the way.
Okay.
Thanks for coming with me.
Hell, no.
I'm not going.
I gotta cook eggs.
- Hi, Ben.
- Asta, come on in.
You're just in time for my famous "Bencakes.
" - Pancakes with a secret twist.
- Okay.
The secret ingredient is brown sugar.
Max.
Family secret ruined.
Asta, hi.
Everything okay? Yes, of course.
I just wanted to check on Max and you both.
I heard there was a break-in last night.
Well, I wanted to know what happened.
Oh, you mean the attempted kidnapping we thwarted? Had to rough up some perps, but no B-I-G.
Yeah, the police were here all night trying to collect evidence, fingerprints, stuff like that.
Wow.
Asta you ever looked down the barrel of death? Stare the devil in the face? Dad, the blueberries are burning.
Dang it! Poor Max.
Looks like he hasn't slept a wink.
That is accurate.
Well, I should go.
I'm just glad you're safe.
Is that blood? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, there was there was blood all over us.
- We're safe now.
- Yeah, thanks to you.
Mm-mm.
Thanks to you.
- You saved me, Daddy.
- Our little baby needs saving.
Our little baby needs to be saved.
- Oh, baby.
- Yeah, I do.
- Are you okay? Are you scared? - I'm so scared.
So upset.
- Are you upset? - Well, I should just Yeah, I'll walk her out.
What the hell happened to you? Meet me at the baseball field in 20 minutes.
Okay.
See, this is why I keep a fishing rod in the truck.
Plus, you put a french fry on the end, you can freak the hell out of some pigeons.
Sir, I don't think Dr.
Vanderspeigle would want you fishing off his deck.
Trying to get into the mind of a potential serial killer.
Sick bastard.
He probably sat here fishing just like this.
Doorknob is a match, which means the original French doors ended up in the lake.
These ones are replacements.
Okay, so what we got here? We got we got a severed foot.
We got the boot that held the foot That lets us know it's not just some simple swimming accident.
And then somehow, these doors here, they end up in the lake.
- What if there was a struggle? - Oh, yeah.
See, I love how your mind works, Deputy.
You're like a true crime podcast.
- Go ahead.
Pod me.
- All right.
What if they fought inside and then Harry threw dead foot guy through the French doors and he lands around here.
Yeah, no, I see where you're going.
And then and then Dr.
V, he comes out like this.
Grab you like that, and I throw you in the lake.
You can't.
I'm holding your arms.
What if I got an extra set of arms I use to choke you out? Like an accomplice? No, like I was in a radiation accident when I was five, so my father was a scientist in the lab and then I snuck in and then I grew a second pair of arms and I fight crime.
Huh.
Think we should wait for the doctor to come home to talk to him? No, we don't wanna spook him.
We need to do a deep dive on him first.
We gotta get inside his head, find out what makes this man tick.
We can't half-ass this one.
Stakes are way too high.
You know what? Maybe I'd be better with six arms.
That's better than four.
Hell, I can cut my shower in half if I had six arms.
I'd get my nuts and my butt and my pits, still have two arms left.
It's a great day to be alive.
When we crashed, I blacked out.
I woke up right here.
Watch this.
- Is that the ship? - It's invisible.
Cool, right? Yeah, cool.
Where do you think Harry went? Not home.
Not without his ship, anyway.
You know, when he left, I thought I was done with all this shit.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
I like that word.
I don't know where the hell he is, but we gotta find him before someone finds this thing.
That's his blood.
He's hurt.
I gotta go.
Don't let anyone near the ship.
My planet is in your constellation Ursa Major, which you call the Great Bear.
It is one of three planets that orbits our sun.
And your planet, the planet Earth, is in one of our constellations.
It it looks like a giant human boob and your sun is the nipple.
Well, this is very interesting.
What's the name of your planet? Sounds familiar.
Think my uncle lived there.
He could never live on my planet.
His carbon isotope ratio is less than half the planet's pole magnetism.
She's so stupid.
Who else thinks that she is so stupid? - Let's go this way.
- Mm-hmm.
Cousin, I will save you! The younger ones are the most dangerous.
- Sir! - What have you done? You have stuffed him.
You bastard! - Someone get a sedative.
- Yes, Doctor.
Don't touch me.
Leave me alone! I'm a superior being! Nurse, where's that sedative? Dr.
Ethan's late.
I'm sure he'll be here soon.
I heard he hooked up with D'arcy.
Jealous? I'm busy, Ellen.
I can do without the gossip, okay? Then I guess you don't wanna know about D'arcy crushing Jimmy's truck.
What? I heard D'arcy and Jay cut Jimmy's brakes.
Jay threatened to kill him if he ever went near you.
Psycho.
Hello? Hey, Asta.
It's Cindy over in Braddock.
We had a guy come in who matches your description.
Thank God.
Is he okay? He's had a head injury.
Thinks he's an alien.
An alien? Um, wow.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a head injury.
I will be right there, okay? Thank you.
For humans, memory is a big part of who they believe they are.
If a human's brain is damaged and that memory is affected so is their perception of self.
I got news for you, Cosette.
I've got news for you, Cosette.
I got news for you, Cosette.
With a brain that delicate, they should wear helmets.
- Where am I? - You hit your head.
Oh, God, I'm so glad you're okay.
I'm glad you are here.
Hey.
I thought Johnny got to you.
You're lucky to be alive.
Harry, are you okay? Who's Harry? I'm Detective Lennie Briscoe.
Um, who's Lennie Briscoe? Wait, who do you think I am? You're my informant, Cosette the hooker.
And from the look of you, you've been working all night.
Mrs.
Morin, beautiful day, is it not? Hello, Mr.
Souza.
Hello, Mayor.
Heard you had some visitors last night.
Well done.
Just a couple of bad guys came for a visit.
Had to serve them up a little pound cake.
Be well.
Deputy, why are you in my office? Oh, Fred used my phone right after he had an Italian grinder and I think I may need to throw it out now.
That was the Taos County Sheriff Department.
Looks like they found Dr.
Vanderspeigle's truck in an abandoned warehouse there.
Really? Taos County.
That's in New Mexico.
Interesting.
All right, reach out to him, have him pick it up, and then make a note of it in our file.
Yes, sir.
Thanks for the coffee.
Actually, they're both for me.
Sir.
And you weren't joking.
Both for you.
Everything okay? Everything's fine, Deputy.
We got a lot of work to do.
Please, please, please.
Stop clapping.
I'm I'm no hero.
Okay, that was quick.
We have a little situation here.
Why is my "Welcome to Patience" sign in pieces all over my office? Jimmy Foster's emergency brake failed over on Wilcox.
His pickup took the sign out.
Street crew didn't know what to do with it, so I told him to file it under your problem, not mine.
We gonna have a problem here, Sheriff? What the hell is that on your foot? Oh, I think the street term for them is, uh, shitkickers.
Oh, okay.
Let's see what they're called after I Sharpie a tiny dick on the toe.
I am putting my foot on the ground, but not because you are threatening me.
That leg position happens to be aggravating my sciatica.
Field's closed! No, it's not.
You heard him.
Field's closed.
There's an underground sewage leak.
Crew's on the way.
It doesn't look like a sewage leak.
It doesn't look like you understand what the word underground means either.
Go ahead.
Walk across the field and breathe the sewage particulates into your lungs.
By day two of the infection, your colon blocks off and poop comes out of your eyes.
It's called eye-arrhea.
Yeah, I told you.
Is that true? I don't wanna breathe poop particles.
No, I made it up.
I'm quick on my feet, which will be great when I'm the first person on Mars.
Not first woman, first person.
- Now where is it? - Sahar! I'm okay.
I'm okay.
It's not uncommon with head injuries like his.
He needs rest.
He will likely regain his memory again soon.
Mainly just needs somebody to keep an eye on him.
Okay, thanks.
I will definitely keep my eye Oh, no.
Max, time for lunch.
Max? Normal.
Why are you doing this? I'm not sick.
You've been to outer space, which makes you my Guinea pig.
I need to know the effect of space flight on the human body before I go to Mars.
Have you experienced any dizzy spells? No.
- Rapid aging? - No.
Increased intellectual capability? What? That's a no.
Max! Uh-oh, we got a bogey.
Buddy, what are you doing? You can't just leave the house like that.
Your mother is worried sick, all right? Let's let's go.
What are you waiting for? Let's go.
Come on.
We're meeting your mom at the town hall.
Come on.
Let's go.
Okay.
Yeah, let's let's go.
- Sahar, do you need a ride? - Yes, please.
Get your bikes.
Meet me at the car.
All right, drop your bags! Hats and gloves! - Let's get out there warming up! - Oh, no.
Out! Yes! Way to go, D'arce! Why are the cute ones always the slowest? Did we win? Hey, hey, hey.
Nice play, skank.
First time you didn't let a guy get to home base.
Oh, you know what? You should try out for the team 'cause your nickname is already ball girl.
And Judy Doodie, Pooper Cooper, Sack Lunch.
Hold up.
What'd you do to your hair? Is that new? Oh, nothing.
I mean, I've just had Had this for a long time.
Oh, my God.
Is it, like, the same as yours? - They're the same.
- That's so weird.
- So weird.
- What? Anyway, is this for me? - Thank you.
- Now it is.
The female assailant's eyes, were they close together or apart? Mm.
Far apart, I I think.
I wasn't paying a A whole lot of attention the night they came over for dinner.
There was a fish incident.
And then during the fight, I didn't really get a good look either as I was you know, I was really hitting her mostly from behind.
Oh, hell yeah, you were.
He was amazing.
You should have seen him.
It was so hot.
You know how it is when your man just takes care of business.
Yeah, my man takes care of a lot of business so often, like, all of the time.
The female assailant's nose was it - Thin? - Uh Yeah, she she had kind of, like, - a Disney princess nose.
- Mm-hmm.
And she she turned her head once, you know, as I was, uh, pounding her.
- Pounding her.
- And they kept trying to get up and we just we just kept on hitting.
- Hitting.
- And hitting.
And hitting and hitting and hitting.
And hitting and and then and then she did.
She she turned her head at the end.
- Blood everywhere.
- And yeah, thin.
Can I have a glass of water? I think that would be a great idea.
Okay, I am so turned on right now I just wanna rip your clothes off.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Ew.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Okey-doke.
Let's, um, talk about her lips.
Oh, Jesus.
Go ahead.
They're not looking.
We've been compromised.
What? What do you mean? What does that mean? Operation "Guard the Ship" is in peril.
Max's dad pulled us off the field.
There's a baseball game tonight.
Oh, no.
Okay.
I'll be there as soon as I can.
Excuse me, sir.
Have you seen my Jesus.
Cosette, I thought Johnny got to you.
He has a long memory and a short temper.
Well, I've been ignoring Johnny's calls.
You know, if you are going to be my CI, you're going to have to start spilling.
I pay you a good money to rat.
Cough up some cheese.
I know someone who stole a suit.
I need something big.
If you can't help with that, then make yourself useful.
Go get me a street dog with relish and and onions.
There's been a murder.
Murder, you say? Now you are speaking my language.
So tell me about this guy who died, Harry Venderspundle.
Close.
Um, I don't know.
He was he was a friend.
You were schtupping him.
No, I wasn't schtupping him.
He was annoying, untrustworthy, thinks he knows everything.
Kind of did, actually.
He also knew nothing.
He was like a child.
Schtupping a child is a class A felony.
Do I need to call Benson and Stabler? I Didn't look.
I used to come in here a lot with Harry and he loved those noodles that you're eating.
Do they do they remind you of anything? Yeah.
I was working a homicide case at Tony's on Greenwich.
Do you know the place? Johnny Sourdough died face first in noodles like this.
One in the brain, two on the balls.
Shooter had daddy issues.
Stop it.
You are not a detective.
Please try and remember, okay? You You are an alien.
Cosette, I see you're back on the smack.
My name is Asta.
Help me out, man.
- Who keeps yelling? - That'll be me.
- Who said that? - Yeah, you dumb shit.
That stupid soup make your ears stop working? Do I know you? Wow, what is going on in your brain? All I see in there is hookers and red meat.
Let me clean that up for you.
What are you doing? Asta? Harry.
Harry.
Oh, thank God.
- God gets the credit? Great.
- Is that Hello there, human idiot.
Did that octopus just call me an idiot? My ship.
My ship.
I don't usually talk to you guys, but - my friend here needs a little help.
- Harry! Whoa, whoa! Tell him to break me out! I'm Monday chef's special! - You got this! - You got this, D'arce! Go, D'arcy! Strike! What? - Hell is he doing? - Come on! The ball is lost.
The game is over.
What the hell, man? He fainted.
Not enough players.
Go home.
Dude, get away from me.
- Harry, get off the field! - C'mon on, Harry! C'mon, let's get you off the field.
All right, gotta replay that! Let's go! - The heck? - Whoa, whoa! Ball's still live! You can't see it, that's your issue! I could have done that.
It's damaged.
How do you know? You can't even see it.
Oh, shit! Well, now you can.
Now everybody can.
Great.
Come on.
What's this? Man, what you doing? I told you I'll just eat dinner here tonight.
You don't eat to eat alone.
I know what today is.
Dad, you you didn't have to do this.
Today is is it's just a regular day.
Buy him a coffee this morning? Yeah, Dad, I bought him a coffee.
That's nice.
Closest thing to a show of affection anyone gets from you.
He died six years ago.
Can't run away from it forever.
Thanks, Dad.
I can get it to fly.
From here? Harry, someone will see it.
No, no.
It is too dark.
We're safe.
Oh, shit.
Shit, shit, shit! Goodbye, Asta.
This is is some bullshit.
It won't fly.
I can fix it.
Oh, God.
You're gonna burn me? Ah, we got a lot on the bed.
Dispatch, you got any info on this power situation? Under arrest.
Oh, easy, girl.
That's what you get for robbing a bank.
We're running.
Oh, God.
You know, this shit's getting weird.
I just need some water.
Harry, you can't fix it.
I have to.
If I do not, I am stuck here.
- Oh, this is really bad.
- My people.
Harry, you are running out of time, okay? You cannot fix it.
You have to do something.
You can't fix it because if someone sees this, then things will get worse for you, okay? Okay.
Okay.
Step back.
Oh, okay.
Is it gonna blow up? No.
What is that? A survival kit.
For what? So you can blend with people on the planet? No, so we can live long enough to kill everyone.
Excuse me? But I will just do the first thing.
The blending.
When I arrived on this planet, things were simpler.
I was an alien and only focused on what was in front of me.
It took me two weeks to get to Patience.
On the way, I met a dog who taught me the rules about survival on Earth.
Simple hygiene power dynamics Humans do not look forward.
They have memories that force them to look backwards.
The alien in me only failed my mission once, but the human in me has relived that failure a thousand times.
Why would I think about it if it's painful? Maybe humans like pain as much as they like pie.
Mm.
Looks like your leg grew back pretty good.
So you're an alien? Yes.
And you are Native American.
I am Nuche.
What is Nuche? It means "The People.
" So I should call you Nuche? You can call me Dan.
My name is difficult for humans to pronounce, but you can call me It is a nickname.
Huh.
I'll just call you Harry.
Okay, Dan.
Harry! What is a skin rat doing here eating my cereal? Harry, you're alive! I did not consent to this touching.
I thought you were dead.
So glad you're okay! Can you go to the store and buy yourself What are those, little trampolines? - Cool.
- Yes, then take it to the ceiling fan store just down the road.
Turn on the overhead ceiling fans and trampoline into them so that your head chops off.
That's rude.
Why are you being mean? Because you are the reason I am stuck here.
Do you want to see what my spaceship looks like, hmm? This this is what is left! I had the coolest whip in town and now, I have a box of alien balls.
If it wasn't for you, I would be on my planet right now eating delicious tree skin.
It's like pork rinds, but it doesn't make you vomit.
You can pretend you don't like me, but I know you do.
You saved my life in the ship.
- I did not.
- Yes, you did! You protected me during the crash! Like like you are my dad.
How dare you.
You take that back.
- You wanna be my father.
- I am your father? Okay, I'll be your father, and you are a bad boy.
- What? - Yes.
This hurts me as much as it hurts you.
This is so inappropriate.
You are inappropriate.
This is why we can't have nice things! You can say whatever you want, but you can't take back what happened.
You saved me because you love me.
I don't even remember the crash.
You know why? Because you are meaningless to me, you stupid, little jerk.
I know you are, but what am I? I no, I did not say that I am a jerk.
I said that you are a jerk.
I know you are, but what am I? You are not hearing me correctly.
The pronoun is you, not I.
I know you are, but what am I? I'm going into that room over there.
When I come out, you better be gone, you dumb, little, shit pocket.
That makes no sense.
Yes, it does.
If you put shit in your pocket.
Memories define who these humans are.
And if the memories become too painful or reveal a side of themselves they don't like, their brains tuck those memories away.
I am so happy I am not human.
Beep, beep.
Yes.
It must be summer if you're bringing out the beast.
"Asta, I'm a beast for you.
I miss your butt ass, so come on, sit on me.
" Get in here.
Come on.
You always know when I need something like this.
You know Ethan hasn't come into work for two days? I had to cover everything.
Ethan.
Ethan? Ethan, Ethan, Ethan.
I can't quite place Who is that again? You know.
You remember the doctor? - Yeah, I don't - Oh, let me help you.
He worked for Médecins sans frontières.
Mm? Mm.
Yeah, you hooked up with him and thought I didn't know.
- That Ethan.
- Yes.
That's right.
Well, I guess we both know each other's secrets now.
Jay told me.
Oh, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Jay.
Don't be.
I should have known, first of all.
You guys are pretty much identical.
Like, duh.
Well, you guys have a lot in common.
I heard you two had an adventure the other night.
- Right.
- Uh-huh.
You remember when Mrs.
Pinkham assigned us "Beowulf" in school? Yeah.
Yeah, and Molly Swenson called me a bitch, so you dumped your food tray on her and called her Grendel.
- Oh, that was awesome.
- Yeah, epic.
So, like, Jimmy's the new Grendel.
Sometimes you gotta slay a monster for your best friend.
- Come here.
- Aw, man.
That's like the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.
- That can't be true.
- That's so true.
Harry? Harry! What are you doing? I thought you were drowning! I was thinking.
Can't an alien think underwater without being disturbed? You have gills? You lungers.
You are very judgmental.
Mm.
You might have a concussion.
I wanted to make sure you were okay, but I found you face down in the water, which I guess is normal for you, so cool.
We started as water beings.
I guess that explains the weird, talking octopus.
All octopuses can talk.
They just don't like talking to humans.
Number 42 only talked to you because you are with me.
- His name is number 42? - On the menu.
Octopus in black bean sauce.
Number 42.
And you wonder why they aren't speaking to humans.
Octopuses are our descendants.
They are the closest thing to my people on Earth.
I miss my people.
I should not be here.
- I am not Nuche.
- Mm.
You've been talking to my dad? My family is very far away.
You know, on Earth, you don't really have to be related to be family.
In fact, you don't have to be like them at all.
Then how are they family? Sometimes family is just the people in your life that you love, that you'd do anything for.
Dan is family, D'arcy is family too.
I kissed D'arcy.
Yeah, she mentioned that.
Her eyelid tasted like a potato chip.
You know, kissing doesn't normally include tasting someone's eyelid.
I know this is hard for you.
It's a bad feeling to be stuck anywhere, especially somewhere you hate.
Like you were with Jimmy.
Yeah, I try not to think about that.
It helps, though, to surround yourself in nature, people you care about.
They take away the bad feelings.
Human memory is very powerful.
It is more than just knowledge of what has been.
It contains feelings of that moment.
Memories connect humans even when they are apart, memories of someone you've lost.
Is that coffee for me? That coffee is for you.
This is for you, too.
Let's get to work.
Memories of traumatic experiences can take you back to the event days or weeks, even years after it happened.
Max? Max, I'm coming! Honey, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- What happened? I thought I saw a mouse, but it was just a sock.
Oh, buddy.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, he's fine.
I'm just still so freaked out after what happened.
Why are you wearing that? Daddy's just playing a little dress-up.
Go and get some sleep, okay, champ? Honey? - Yeah.
- Let's go.
- See you in the morning, bud.
- Goodnight.
Oh, goodnight.
But memories can also connect people and remind them of better times.
Ethan? You here? Heard you blew off work.
What the hell? Dude, it's about time you came back.
The chef here is a sicko.
Last night, I swear he fed me octopus.
Are we family? Um, yeah, I guess so.
I mean, I'm not, like, I'll help you move family, but more, like, I'll see you at the reunion and say, "Well, you got fat" family.
I am afraid I am becoming too human.
I need family to remind me who I am.
Well, in that case, break me out of here and we can be roomies, but you have to do it quick.
Your people will be here soon.
- What do you mean? - Oh, didn't you know? Pretty obvious you didn't complete your mission.
They'll just send someone else to kill everyone for you.
Everyone? Including Asta? Uh, yeah, Asta? Is the human? Yes, she's a human, so yes.
This cannot happen.
I should not care about saving Asta.
She is human.
I know she is, but what am I? Run, you elegant bastard, run!