Retired at 35 (2011) s02e01 Episode Script
Up North
1 Last season on Retired at 35, this all started when David came home for a brief visit from New York My David is here! - Aww! - Mom, dad! And never left.
- I quit.
- But I did.
Alan, I'm leaving you.
I'm going to Portugal to paint.
Meanwhile, David was making friends at our retirement community.
Look, you are attractive and sexy.
I was ready to get back together with Alan, but he had other ideas.
But I missed my husband, so I decided to come back and give it another try.
And to think I actually accused you of having a thing for her.
How could I have been so paranoid, and crazy, and just plain Right.
I can't believe you slept with Susan.
It just happened.
Oh, I was hurt, but this gal does not go down without a fight.
Goodbye, Alan.
Elaine, wait.
You didn't let me explain myself.
Well, you did.
You said it just happened.
That's what you said.
It just happened.
I'm sorry, I didn't plan on it.
It was a mistake.
It's a mistake? That's what you say? A fender bender is a mistake.
Bumping into that blond in my bed? That, sir, is betrayal.
Um, guys? Hey, so it's a little uncomfortable out there.
Uh, I'm stuck making small talk with what I have to assume to be my ex-girlfriend's mother.
Oh, yes.
The lady of the moment.
The "it" girl.
Alan, did she happen to say who was better in bed: I can't believe I wanted to get back together with you.
You did? I wanna get back together with you.
Well, you have a funny way of showing it.
I don't know how I can possibly forgive you for sleeping with another woman.
I hope the three minutes was worth it.
Do not correct me! Dad, uh You okay? No, no, I'm not, son.
I'm sorry, I forgot my purse.
Mom, mom, wait.
Wait, dad feels awful about this.
- Well, he should.
- Well, he does.
And I'll bet, if the situation was reversed, that he'd forgive you in a heartbeat.
Oh, really? So if I had meaningless sex with some other man, he'd be perfectly okay with that? Um I think I should do what David suggests, and have a meaningless fling.
A freebee.
Thank you very much, David.
I'll talk to you when I feel we're even.
Quite a day you're having.
Hey, mom, hey.
Hi, David, good to see you're taking time off from having sex with everyone in the complex.
Look, mom, dad's really upset.
Oh, he's so upset that he sent his wingman over to soften me up? Uh, no, actually I-I came all on my own.
Oh, so he doesn't care.
No, see, I'm not saying that.
Look, okay All right, here's what I think.
IMother MomMommy.
David.
All right, listen, I--just-- the point is, he just-- he feels awful.
You know, your father's talk about feeling awful is cheap.
It doesn't mean anything anymore.
Like it or not, I'm getting my freebee.
I'm gonna take my pleasure in the arms of another man.
Keep moving, grandpa.
- Hey, sis.
- Oh.
Hello, David.
To what do we owe the pleasure? Visits from the family prince are so infrequent.
Yeah, well, I'll be honest, I need your help.
- Did you screw up? - Yep.
Great, come on in.
Wow, nice furniture, Amy.
Place looks great.
You know what I like about it, David? It's quiet, it's peaceful But I fear you're about to shatter all that.
Uh, listen, I need you to talk to mom, okay? She's gonna have revenge sex because dad slept with Susan.
Who's Susan? Uh, one of mom's really good friends.
Oh, and--and--and as it happens, she's also my girlfriend's mom, and, um, you know I slept with her too.
And I'm the black sheep.
Listen, please, will you talk to her? See, David, this is why I keep a friendly distance from family.
It's too much drama.
No, I have a new thing.
It's called self-esteem.
Please, come on.
I screwed up.
You are the only person who can help.
They belong together, Amy, and if this happens, they-- they'll split up for good.
And then--and then, I'll go back to New York, and dad will be all alone, and then who's gonna get the phone call? It's just mom.
Stay positive.
Don't be afraid.
No crying, no yelling.
Coming.
Amy, what a nice surprise, come on in.
Hi, mom, good to see you.
Amy, look at you.
Now, mom I know you know that my therapist said to stay out of the family drama for a little while, but this is big.
Mom, this whole freebee thing you're pulling on dad is mean, and vindictive, and, frankly, beneath you.
It's not mean or vindictive, and the only thing beneath anyone was that tramp under your father.
Mom, I'm sorry you had to put up with that, but Look, sleeping with another man just to get even isn't the answer.
Do you really think I wanna sleep with someone else? To be honest, your father has spoiled me for other men.
You know, he's quite the generous lover.
Oh, goody, now we're girlfriends.
We can talk about anything.
Well, dear, most men of his generation don't even know about the G-spot, let alone where to find the damn thing.
Mom, will you come and talk to my therapist? 'Cause most of the time he doesn't believe me.
Look The only way I can take your father back is if I can forgive him.
And the only way I can forgive him is if I know he's truly sorry.
And the only way I'll know he's truly sorry is if he feels all the agony and pain he's caused me.
Look, I know you feel betrayed by your husband, but he's my dad.
And if you do this, I don't know if he can ever come back from it.
I'm gonna tell you something, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else - for any reason.
- I won't.
Okay, I'm not going to sleep with anyone.
I'm gonna make it seem like I'm having an out-of-town fling.
I'm really going to see aunt Janice in Jacksonville.
I just want your father to think I'm going through with it.
- Really? No freebee.
- No freebee.
Mom, I'm so glad you feel close enough to me to confide in me.
See, that's what I need to hear.
Oh.
Do I smell cookies? No, dear.
Okay, I believe you.
You smelled cookies.
Now what did she say about dad? I did my best, David.
I didReally hard.
But word's out.
Mom is on the hunt.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
I had to chase a pelican out of Mrs.
Godfrey's pool.
- Hi, Amy.
- Brandon.
I don't remember your sister being this hot.
Thanks.
I don't remember you being this observant.
Amy, Brandon, home-wrecker.
Hello, Alan.
Wow, Elaine, you look fantastic.
Oh, thank you.
Alejandro, the flamenco teacher at the rec center, said I was muy caliente.
Alejandro? David, I'm going out of town for the weekend, and you can redeem yourself with an act of service.
I'd like you to water my plants.
Please don't have sex with any of them.
Got it, mom.
Glad to help.
You-youâre going out of town? Yes.
Here's the key to my place for when I'm Out of town.
So, Elaine, where you going? Up north.
I'll be at the hair salon for a couple of hours, and I'm leaving this evening.
Come on, Amy, let's go get your hair fixed.
I just got it done yesterday.
Did you hear that? I think her hair looks great.
No, the pause.
Elaine paused when I asked her where she's going.
That's a liar's pause.
Dad, I think you're reading into it.
I don't think so.
Brandon, when do you pause when someone asks you something? Always.
Why? Because I'm trying to think of what I'm going to say.
No, because you're lying.
You're right, I was lying.
And so was she.
She's going away with someone.
She's going through with the freebee.
Oh, you know who it is? It's your golf buddy, that Swede.
Ken Gunderson? Gunderson? Not Gunderson.
- He's my friend.
- Oh, no, he's not.
I saw him down by the pool massaging Swedish sun block into the small of Mrs.
R.
's back.
It can't be him, okay? I heard he had an operation, and-- and private Gunderson no longer, you know, stands at attention.
I hear it's totally awol.
We should break into her place and see what she's up to.
Oh, I don't know.
How would we even do that? Gee, David, I don't know.
If only we had the key.
Oh, man.
Look at all these plants.
I'm gonna be here watering all day.
Will that interfere with yournothing? Okay, spread out.
We're looking for anything incriminating.
I got it.
The old notepad.
People always think they're covering their tracks.
- Oh, boy.
- What is it? She needs eggs, bacon, and pretzels.
Somebody's having an omelet.
Oh, hey, dad.
Look, I got mom's phone bill here.
Perfect.
Look at all these late night phone calls.
Anything after 10:00 is a booty call.
Bathroom's clear.
No men have been in there, no stubble in the sink, no boxers in the hamper, the toilet seat is down in the lady position Well, I left it up.
You know what? I-I should Oh, hey, dad, look.
Uh, I got a to-do list.
To do: Get hair cut, buy new bathing suit, get Brazilian wax.
Oh, man.
Well, we all know what that means.
She's getting her car cleaned so she can go on a trip.
Actually, dad, um, a Brazilian wax is Watch your mouth! That's your mother's boom-boom you're talking about.
So, dad, are you gonna call every single number on mom's phone bill? Oh, this one's on here a lot.
It's ringing.
Ooh, I got a call.
Hello? Hello? He hung up on me.
This is the guy.
I'm calling him back.
Hello? Hello? I know what you're doing with my wife! Dropped call? This is ridiculous.
Dad, you're calling yourself.
All right, I got valuable intel about project "find Elaine's freebee.
" Private Gunderson can indeed report for duty.
All right.
How did you find that out? Mrs.
Godfrey told me Gunderson uses that operation story as a challenge to women.
Six women have already claimed to have been the one who cured him.
She called Gunderson four times.
It's him! No, don't panic, dad.
Of course I'm panicking.
We have no idea where she's going.
Yeah, we do.
When we were over at her apartment, I slipped my phone in her bag just in case something like this happened.
There's an app called "find my phone.
" Andthat red dot right there? That's mom.
But your mother drives a white car.
Okay, dad Make that dot white.
Hey, dad--oh.
What are you guys doing? All right, look, um, we-- Well, okay, I-- I put--I put a trace on mom because you couldn't talk her out of the freebee.
And that shameless dot right there Is your mother.
Well, dad, in mom's defense, maybe she's only doing this because you hurt her very badly.
I know I did.
I-I said I was sorry.
Those are only words, dad.
It's over, she's gone, and I deserve it.
No, no, dad, you were lonely.
Anyone would've slept with that tramp.
I would've.
I did.
I have something to say, and it's gonna sound bad, but it's actually good.
Mom's just playing a joke on you.
She's not going through with the freebee.
- She's not? - No.
Oh, thank God.
- Yeah.
- So She's just torturing him for the fun of it? Well, that's the bad way of looking at it.
Wait, wait.
How do-- how do you know that? Well, she confides in me.
She said you're a generous lover.
As is she.
When did we lose our boundaries? She's not going on an out-of-town fling.
She's just going to Jacksonville to visit aunt Janice.
But Jacksonville's north.
Why is she heading South? What? Wait, let me see that.
Wait, she's not going to Jacksonville.
She lied.
And she lied about those cookies.
The oasis hideaway.
I know.
Last time we came down here, I was 18, and I was-- - High? - Hey.
Keep it down, dad's still in the back seat.
What are you, a narc? - Should we be doing this? - What do you mean? I mean, we're driving down in the middle of the night with our father to confront our mother who's in a sleazy motel with a lying Swede with a trick schlong.
- I don't see the problem.
- David.
What are we gonna do when we get there? I don't know.
All I know is, you saw his face.
He really, really wants her back.
Look I'm sorry that I dragged you back into all this.
No.
If you wanna be part of a family, I guess you have to put up with the drama.
It's justmost family drama's like, "Who scratched the car?" Not "let's all try not to sleep with the same people.
" Okay.
Manager said mom's in this room right here.
I'm sorry you two have to see this.
And yet not sorry enough to let us stay in the car.
Alan, what are you doing here? I'm here to save my marriage.
I'm not gonna let some Swede with a trick schlong come between us.
We found you, Gunderson, get out here! Alan, there's no one here.
So you're not going through with the freebee? - No.
- Oh, thank God.
I was just hoping you'd follow me here.
Especially since David planted his phone in my bag.
What? What is mom talking about? David Next time you use the "find my phone" app, turn off your ringer.
Why did you put me through all this? You said you wanted to get back with me, but I didn't believe you.
Why not? Because you say a lot of things.
I-I wanted to know that you would do something.
I-I wanted you to chase after me, to come get your girl.
Elaine, I'd go anywhere for you.
But you didn't come to Portugal.
You didn't even call.
When you left me, I didn't know what to do.
They don't let you fly with a broken heart.
I don't care what my therapist says, I'm glad I got involved.
I am too.
Course, I did it without a therapist.
Alan, I am sorry.
I'm sorry too.
So does this mean you're ready to move back in? Well, not tonight.
Oh, sure.
- Of course.
- Not tonight because we have a motel room.
Uhhh Good.
You kids can wait in the car.
And it's going to be much longer than 3 minutes.
Do not correct me! I'm feeling very generous.
Me too.
Have there ever been boundaries?
- I quit.
- But I did.
Alan, I'm leaving you.
I'm going to Portugal to paint.
Meanwhile, David was making friends at our retirement community.
Look, you are attractive and sexy.
I was ready to get back together with Alan, but he had other ideas.
But I missed my husband, so I decided to come back and give it another try.
And to think I actually accused you of having a thing for her.
How could I have been so paranoid, and crazy, and just plain Right.
I can't believe you slept with Susan.
It just happened.
Oh, I was hurt, but this gal does not go down without a fight.
Goodbye, Alan.
Elaine, wait.
You didn't let me explain myself.
Well, you did.
You said it just happened.
That's what you said.
It just happened.
I'm sorry, I didn't plan on it.
It was a mistake.
It's a mistake? That's what you say? A fender bender is a mistake.
Bumping into that blond in my bed? That, sir, is betrayal.
Um, guys? Hey, so it's a little uncomfortable out there.
Uh, I'm stuck making small talk with what I have to assume to be my ex-girlfriend's mother.
Oh, yes.
The lady of the moment.
The "it" girl.
Alan, did she happen to say who was better in bed: I can't believe I wanted to get back together with you.
You did? I wanna get back together with you.
Well, you have a funny way of showing it.
I don't know how I can possibly forgive you for sleeping with another woman.
I hope the three minutes was worth it.
Do not correct me! Dad, uh You okay? No, no, I'm not, son.
I'm sorry, I forgot my purse.
Mom, mom, wait.
Wait, dad feels awful about this.
- Well, he should.
- Well, he does.
And I'll bet, if the situation was reversed, that he'd forgive you in a heartbeat.
Oh, really? So if I had meaningless sex with some other man, he'd be perfectly okay with that? Um I think I should do what David suggests, and have a meaningless fling.
A freebee.
Thank you very much, David.
I'll talk to you when I feel we're even.
Quite a day you're having.
Hey, mom, hey.
Hi, David, good to see you're taking time off from having sex with everyone in the complex.
Look, mom, dad's really upset.
Oh, he's so upset that he sent his wingman over to soften me up? Uh, no, actually I-I came all on my own.
Oh, so he doesn't care.
No, see, I'm not saying that.
Look, okay All right, here's what I think.
IMother MomMommy.
David.
All right, listen, I--just-- the point is, he just-- he feels awful.
You know, your father's talk about feeling awful is cheap.
It doesn't mean anything anymore.
Like it or not, I'm getting my freebee.
I'm gonna take my pleasure in the arms of another man.
Keep moving, grandpa.
- Hey, sis.
- Oh.
Hello, David.
To what do we owe the pleasure? Visits from the family prince are so infrequent.
Yeah, well, I'll be honest, I need your help.
- Did you screw up? - Yep.
Great, come on in.
Wow, nice furniture, Amy.
Place looks great.
You know what I like about it, David? It's quiet, it's peaceful But I fear you're about to shatter all that.
Uh, listen, I need you to talk to mom, okay? She's gonna have revenge sex because dad slept with Susan.
Who's Susan? Uh, one of mom's really good friends.
Oh, and--and--and as it happens, she's also my girlfriend's mom, and, um, you know I slept with her too.
And I'm the black sheep.
Listen, please, will you talk to her? See, David, this is why I keep a friendly distance from family.
It's too much drama.
No, I have a new thing.
It's called self-esteem.
Please, come on.
I screwed up.
You are the only person who can help.
They belong together, Amy, and if this happens, they-- they'll split up for good.
And then--and then, I'll go back to New York, and dad will be all alone, and then who's gonna get the phone call? It's just mom.
Stay positive.
Don't be afraid.
No crying, no yelling.
Coming.
Amy, what a nice surprise, come on in.
Hi, mom, good to see you.
Amy, look at you.
Now, mom I know you know that my therapist said to stay out of the family drama for a little while, but this is big.
Mom, this whole freebee thing you're pulling on dad is mean, and vindictive, and, frankly, beneath you.
It's not mean or vindictive, and the only thing beneath anyone was that tramp under your father.
Mom, I'm sorry you had to put up with that, but Look, sleeping with another man just to get even isn't the answer.
Do you really think I wanna sleep with someone else? To be honest, your father has spoiled me for other men.
You know, he's quite the generous lover.
Oh, goody, now we're girlfriends.
We can talk about anything.
Well, dear, most men of his generation don't even know about the G-spot, let alone where to find the damn thing.
Mom, will you come and talk to my therapist? 'Cause most of the time he doesn't believe me.
Look The only way I can take your father back is if I can forgive him.
And the only way I can forgive him is if I know he's truly sorry.
And the only way I'll know he's truly sorry is if he feels all the agony and pain he's caused me.
Look, I know you feel betrayed by your husband, but he's my dad.
And if you do this, I don't know if he can ever come back from it.
I'm gonna tell you something, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else - for any reason.
- I won't.
Okay, I'm not going to sleep with anyone.
I'm gonna make it seem like I'm having an out-of-town fling.
I'm really going to see aunt Janice in Jacksonville.
I just want your father to think I'm going through with it.
- Really? No freebee.
- No freebee.
Mom, I'm so glad you feel close enough to me to confide in me.
See, that's what I need to hear.
Oh.
Do I smell cookies? No, dear.
Okay, I believe you.
You smelled cookies.
Now what did she say about dad? I did my best, David.
I didReally hard.
But word's out.
Mom is on the hunt.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
I had to chase a pelican out of Mrs.
Godfrey's pool.
- Hi, Amy.
- Brandon.
I don't remember your sister being this hot.
Thanks.
I don't remember you being this observant.
Amy, Brandon, home-wrecker.
Hello, Alan.
Wow, Elaine, you look fantastic.
Oh, thank you.
Alejandro, the flamenco teacher at the rec center, said I was muy caliente.
Alejandro? David, I'm going out of town for the weekend, and you can redeem yourself with an act of service.
I'd like you to water my plants.
Please don't have sex with any of them.
Got it, mom.
Glad to help.
You-youâre going out of town? Yes.
Here's the key to my place for when I'm Out of town.
So, Elaine, where you going? Up north.
I'll be at the hair salon for a couple of hours, and I'm leaving this evening.
Come on, Amy, let's go get your hair fixed.
I just got it done yesterday.
Did you hear that? I think her hair looks great.
No, the pause.
Elaine paused when I asked her where she's going.
That's a liar's pause.
Dad, I think you're reading into it.
I don't think so.
Brandon, when do you pause when someone asks you something? Always.
Why? Because I'm trying to think of what I'm going to say.
No, because you're lying.
You're right, I was lying.
And so was she.
She's going away with someone.
She's going through with the freebee.
Oh, you know who it is? It's your golf buddy, that Swede.
Ken Gunderson? Gunderson? Not Gunderson.
- He's my friend.
- Oh, no, he's not.
I saw him down by the pool massaging Swedish sun block into the small of Mrs.
R.
's back.
It can't be him, okay? I heard he had an operation, and-- and private Gunderson no longer, you know, stands at attention.
I hear it's totally awol.
We should break into her place and see what she's up to.
Oh, I don't know.
How would we even do that? Gee, David, I don't know.
If only we had the key.
Oh, man.
Look at all these plants.
I'm gonna be here watering all day.
Will that interfere with yournothing? Okay, spread out.
We're looking for anything incriminating.
I got it.
The old notepad.
People always think they're covering their tracks.
- Oh, boy.
- What is it? She needs eggs, bacon, and pretzels.
Somebody's having an omelet.
Oh, hey, dad.
Look, I got mom's phone bill here.
Perfect.
Look at all these late night phone calls.
Anything after 10:00 is a booty call.
Bathroom's clear.
No men have been in there, no stubble in the sink, no boxers in the hamper, the toilet seat is down in the lady position Well, I left it up.
You know what? I-I should Oh, hey, dad, look.
Uh, I got a to-do list.
To do: Get hair cut, buy new bathing suit, get Brazilian wax.
Oh, man.
Well, we all know what that means.
She's getting her car cleaned so she can go on a trip.
Actually, dad, um, a Brazilian wax is Watch your mouth! That's your mother's boom-boom you're talking about.
So, dad, are you gonna call every single number on mom's phone bill? Oh, this one's on here a lot.
It's ringing.
Ooh, I got a call.
Hello? Hello? He hung up on me.
This is the guy.
I'm calling him back.
Hello? Hello? I know what you're doing with my wife! Dropped call? This is ridiculous.
Dad, you're calling yourself.
All right, I got valuable intel about project "find Elaine's freebee.
" Private Gunderson can indeed report for duty.
All right.
How did you find that out? Mrs.
Godfrey told me Gunderson uses that operation story as a challenge to women.
Six women have already claimed to have been the one who cured him.
She called Gunderson four times.
It's him! No, don't panic, dad.
Of course I'm panicking.
We have no idea where she's going.
Yeah, we do.
When we were over at her apartment, I slipped my phone in her bag just in case something like this happened.
There's an app called "find my phone.
" Andthat red dot right there? That's mom.
But your mother drives a white car.
Okay, dad Make that dot white.
Hey, dad--oh.
What are you guys doing? All right, look, um, we-- Well, okay, I-- I put--I put a trace on mom because you couldn't talk her out of the freebee.
And that shameless dot right there Is your mother.
Well, dad, in mom's defense, maybe she's only doing this because you hurt her very badly.
I know I did.
I-I said I was sorry.
Those are only words, dad.
It's over, she's gone, and I deserve it.
No, no, dad, you were lonely.
Anyone would've slept with that tramp.
I would've.
I did.
I have something to say, and it's gonna sound bad, but it's actually good.
Mom's just playing a joke on you.
She's not going through with the freebee.
- She's not? - No.
Oh, thank God.
- Yeah.
- So She's just torturing him for the fun of it? Well, that's the bad way of looking at it.
Wait, wait.
How do-- how do you know that? Well, she confides in me.
She said you're a generous lover.
As is she.
When did we lose our boundaries? She's not going on an out-of-town fling.
She's just going to Jacksonville to visit aunt Janice.
But Jacksonville's north.
Why is she heading South? What? Wait, let me see that.
Wait, she's not going to Jacksonville.
She lied.
And she lied about those cookies.
The oasis hideaway.
I know.
Last time we came down here, I was 18, and I was-- - High? - Hey.
Keep it down, dad's still in the back seat.
What are you, a narc? - Should we be doing this? - What do you mean? I mean, we're driving down in the middle of the night with our father to confront our mother who's in a sleazy motel with a lying Swede with a trick schlong.
- I don't see the problem.
- David.
What are we gonna do when we get there? I don't know.
All I know is, you saw his face.
He really, really wants her back.
Look I'm sorry that I dragged you back into all this.
No.
If you wanna be part of a family, I guess you have to put up with the drama.
It's justmost family drama's like, "Who scratched the car?" Not "let's all try not to sleep with the same people.
" Okay.
Manager said mom's in this room right here.
I'm sorry you two have to see this.
And yet not sorry enough to let us stay in the car.
Alan, what are you doing here? I'm here to save my marriage.
I'm not gonna let some Swede with a trick schlong come between us.
We found you, Gunderson, get out here! Alan, there's no one here.
So you're not going through with the freebee? - No.
- Oh, thank God.
I was just hoping you'd follow me here.
Especially since David planted his phone in my bag.
What? What is mom talking about? David Next time you use the "find my phone" app, turn off your ringer.
Why did you put me through all this? You said you wanted to get back with me, but I didn't believe you.
Why not? Because you say a lot of things.
I-I wanted to know that you would do something.
I-I wanted you to chase after me, to come get your girl.
Elaine, I'd go anywhere for you.
But you didn't come to Portugal.
You didn't even call.
When you left me, I didn't know what to do.
They don't let you fly with a broken heart.
I don't care what my therapist says, I'm glad I got involved.
I am too.
Course, I did it without a therapist.
Alan, I am sorry.
I'm sorry too.
So does this mean you're ready to move back in? Well, not tonight.
Oh, sure.
- Of course.
- Not tonight because we have a motel room.
Uhhh Good.
You kids can wait in the car.
And it's going to be much longer than 3 minutes.
Do not correct me! I'm feeling very generous.
Me too.
Have there ever been boundaries?