Rev. (2010) s02e01 Episode Script

'It's so wonderful to have some time in this sanctuary.
'This place of silence.
To leave the clamour and the chaos behind 'and be available to something greater than myself.
'To you, dear Lord.
' 'I wonder what's for lunch today.
'Hope it isn't that strange cauliflower cheese again.
'No, come on, holy thoughts.
'Everlasting God, in whom we live and move and have our being, 'you have made us for yourself and our hearts are restless 'until we rest in you.
' 'These shoes are very squeaky.
' 'I love the fact that this is a silent order 'and I don't have to talk to her.
' 'Look at this beautiful place.
' 'I feel more at peace here than I have for years.
' Retreat! Dear boy, I've just arrived.
I'm staying in the kennel next door.
What's your place like? Mine's got death camp chic.
I normally go to that chateau in Provence, but word's out.
It's fully booked this year.
Bastards.
What DVDs have you got? I've got Dermot's A History Of Christianity or The Killing.
What about you? Are you all right? Are we allowed to talk now? Yes, it's a lesser silence before six o'clock, not a greater one.
I thought it was the greater one now.
No, I don't really watch telly when I'm here.
What have you brought to eat? A couple of KitKats.
OK, I have got some Assam tea, cheese two hard, one soft, one goat pickles, chutneys, potted goose meat, Iberico ham and a gooseberry roulade.
It sounds like a hamper.
It IS a hamper.
We shouldn't be doing this here, though, should we? We should be out there in the community making a mark.
Spreading the word.
Telly, radio, Twitter, the lot.
Yes, yes.
The church just doesn't get front foot enough.
Too much praying.
Not enough action.
Wallander.
What have you brought to drink? I've got a couple of Rieslings and a Pic St Loup.
Vodka and tonic.
Gin and tonic.
We may just survive this.
Sorry! I'm so sorry.
Are you OK? My fault.
If you rush, you'll get it.
Well done.
Paedo! Adam! Hello, Adoha, are you OK? That little bastard snatched my bag from me.
I see.
Thank you so much.
You are so brave.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No.
Yes.
It was an accident.
I saw it happen.
You grabbed him and you wrestled him to the ground.
No.
I'm just rushing to the school.
Yes, you did.
Do you think I'm OK? I I think so.
Well Have a look at me, darling.
Yes.
No, I'm looking.
I I think you look very OK.
My hero! The problem is, they've got nothing to do, these kids.
There's nothing to inspire them.
My kids? No, not your kids.
Yes, your kids.
When they're in school, it's fine, of course, their time's full.
But outside school, what do they do? Just this.
Or they go bag-snatching off old ladies.
I'm going to do a trip to the country.
Is this what you came up with on holiday? I wasn't on holiday.
It was a retreat.
One of your kids from the Moorfield Estate told me that he'd never been outside London in his life.
Isn't that terrible? Yes.
Some of these kids have never seen cows.
They've seen a cow, Adam.
Some of them haven't.
There was a survey that said that inner city kids thought that eggs came from cows.
They've got no idea what cheese is or where their food comes from.
We'll do a trip to the seaside.
Are there cows there? There will be cows on the way.
We'll do a trip to the White Cliffs of Dover.
Suicidal cows.
It's a natural wonder.
It'll give them a sense of British history.
They might even see France.
Come on, this is what I'm here for.
Let's do it.
Are you trying to whisk me off to the seaside? What? You know, get me on the back seat? No.
No, no.
No.
No.
We'll take your 15 most difficult but deserving children.
I don't think you have any idea what you're taking on.
I've got an 11-year-old who was just done for twocking on Saturday.
And I suspect you don't know what that is? Of course I know what twocking is.
Alex, have you seen my dog collar? Alex.
Thank you very much I can't find any dog collars.
Be really great if you did come on this trip, because I need another adult to make up the numbers, and you've already been CRB-checked.
You charmer.
And it would be a nice way for us to spend a day by the seaside.
No, it would A way for us to be by the seaside.
Not a nice way.
Is that ketchup? Anyway, I can't take a day off work.
Well you don't need to.
It's on Saturday the third.
Not content with having a holiday sorry, being on retreat you've now decided you'd like to spend the one day a week we do have together in a shit bit of Kent with 15 of other people's children.
Do you know the last time I had a weekend with you? No, neither do I.
Now, why is that? Yes, that's right it's NEVER happened.
I'm sorry.
What's the matter? What's the matter? I'm fed up with never seeing you.
Listen, Alex I'm sick of your congregants saying, "It's a shame Alex "couldn't come," like they've got a Master's in passive aggression, just because I was busy.
I'm fed up with coming home from work only to make yet another mushroom stroganoff for some sodding church meeting of pedantic bores who want to sit around for four hours in my home discussing how to put in a fire exit or whatever.
Well I want to have a child, because I don't just want to be a solicitor my whole life.
But you don't shag me enough.
No, now that's not Is that? That's not true.
Yes.
This house is permanently full of people making unceasing demands on your time, because they've got nothing else in their lives except a need to organise the latest church event.
Some wank fete I've got to make sponge fingers for, because your whole world is obsessed with correlating excruciating social events with religious devotion.
Have you seen the other glove? I'm not good at making sponge fingers, Adam.
I don't find it fulfilling.
Yes, I'll come on your cocking trip to Kentish hell.
Because at least that way, I get to spend a few hours with my gorgeous husband.
Lucky me.
Come on, this is easy.
We hire a mini bus, chuck the kids in, off we go.
Chuck the kids in, fasten their seatbelts, off we go.
Is this because you're a hero now? What? Accosting London's bag thieves.
I must say, I didn't think you had it in you.
What's this? Defending your parishioners.
Apprehending feral scum you're the Big Society in action.
This is ridiculous.
This isn't what happened.
This is nonsense.
No, I want to talk about this trip to Dover.
On come the red underpants.
Is this something you came up with on your holiday? It wasn't a holiday, it was a retreat.
They'll see the seaside, the White Cliffs, the Channel, this is gospel work.
It's incarnational.
They'll go shop-lifting and they will take drugs.
No, they won't.
What's twocking? Do you know what that is? It's something unpleasant and sexual to do with bacon, isn't it? They won't be allowed to do that on the trip.
There's a huge number of child protection and health and safety considerations with this idea.
Otherwise the children will get lost, have sex or get allergic reactions.
Well, what considerations? Let's go through them.
Well, for a start, the diocese will require that a child advocate is appointed.
Someone the children can talk to should any issues arise involving someone connected to the church.
I see.
Yes, because as a vicar, I'm likely to take them all the way down to Dover just so I can stick my hands down their pants.
Well, if you do, the children will need a respected, appointed member of society to talk to about it afterwards.
OK, great.
Well, let's appoint one.
As long as they're not too annoying.
Adam, my hero.
Look.
Now everybody will know what a hero you are.
I wasn't.
I did what anyone would have done.
So modest.
That's why I've put you up for the Pride of Britain Ards.
What? Have you? A vicar has never won it before.
It's inspiring, isn't it? Come Christmas, there'll be little Adam action vicar dolls.
Can I be involved with your trip please? I love the seaside, me.
Maybe if I'd seen the seaside when I was kid, my life wouldn't have been so shite.
OK.
Well, let me let me think about how.
It would be really good for my CV.
Have you thought how I can be involved yet? Sorry.
Just thinking how sad it is that our culture's become so obsessed with its fears that organising a kids trip is now a health and safety nightmare.
Except if it was a Catholic trip to the seaside.
It would be right to be scared, cos after lunch, all the kids would be getting the brown glove treatment in the sand dunes from the pervy priests.
Can I be a driver of the minibus? Have you got a driving licence? Yeah, I've got HGV.
Have you? Yeah.
Three years I drove haulage round Europe.
Massive truck.
Real fanny magnet.
As long as the kind of fanny you like hangs about at an Italian service station at 3am with a massive Adam's apple.
OK, well, if you've got a clean licence I'll think about it.
Great! Magic! I just want to give something back, even though I never got anything.
Who's looking forward to our trip to Dover? Hands up.
Hands up, who's never been to the seaside before? Hands up who's seen a cow? Well, you can see some more on Saturday and see if they lay eggs.
We're going to see the White Cliffs.
They have an incredible history.
They're a natural wonder.
Yes, Courtney? Can we go shopping there? No, it's a cliff.
Is it outdoors? Yes.
It's outdoors.
I hate outdoors.
Unless it's inside like at Bluewater.
Yeah, and cows stink.
Is it going to stink on this trip? No, it won't.
It'll be great.
A day without your TV and games, with some military history thrown in, if you're very lucky.
Well, I'm looking forward to it.
Now, a lady called Adoha is going to talk to you.
I ain't going on this stupid trip.
You can't make me.
Chloe! Hello, children.
My name is Adoha.
Yes? Are you a man? I gather you want to show some children a cow? It's a trip to the White Cliffs of Dover.
They'll have seen cows, Adam.
Some of Ellie's kids live five to a bedroom.
They have two unemployed parents.
Is this because you're a hero now? Pulling on tight spandex at night, slipping out through the bedroom window and accosting rough men in dark alleyways.
They're not going to come to church afterwards, you know, and you'll have to CRB-check every adult involved.
I know, I'm doing that.
And I'll have to go through the CRB checks with Graham.
Graham? He's the diocesan Safeguarding and Management Risk Assessment Panel Group Officer.
He's a quite stunningly dull man.
Makes Nigel look like Bear Grylls.
Nigel! Bear Grylls.
Who's going on this trip? Me and Alex.
Alex! Nigel.
Nigel.
Ellie.
Ellie.
Adoha.
Adoha.
And maybe Colin.
Well, I'm sure Graham will turn him down.
He always does if there's even the slightest whiff of anything improper.
All a criminal record check proves is that somebody hasn't been caught, that's all.
I'd rather trust my instincts over some police report compiled by a pencil-pusher whose job it is to always say no.
Well, thank goodness.
Society can relax.
We've got Adam's instincts to rely upon.
How wonderful! Perhaps we should send you out to every school and hospital to tell us who you trust.
I think I'm going to let you out here, because I'm finding you incredibly annoying.
Is it safe here? Trust your instincts.
I ain't babysitting him again.
He's only seven, he's already a sex pest.
You're that hero.
You're the hero.
Shelley, there's a hero here.
Thanks.
No.
Not really.
Yeah, you are.
If all vicars were like you, I'd come to church.
We need people like you beating up the scum.
Will you sign my paper? Have you got a pen? My mum is going to be so jealous that I saw the Kung Fu Vicar.
Here, go on, have a free lolly.
For being a have-a-go-hero.
Thanks, Lisa.
See you tomorrow.
I'm just off to go and close down a criminal gang's hide-out.
Good luck! Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.
In the name of Christ, amen.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make.
Adam, darling, can you come back this way, please? Come on, darling.
You have always been a hero to me.
I am proud to say soon everyone will know that you are the bravest vicar in the world.
My nephew's internet campaign has worked.
I am delighted to announce you have been shortlisted for the Pride of Britain Ards.
We can all watch you live on TV.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
For your heroic action in bringing criminals to justice.
Congratulations, darling.
Have you seen these Pride of Britain nominations? People do some amazing things, don't they? A partially sighted salesman saved an infant from a burning car wreck and has now adopted the orphaned boy.
He's in your category.
Let me see.
There's going to be lots of important people there.
Are there? Richard Curtis, of course.
Sam Cam, Andrew Strauss.
Carol Vorderman's hosting.
A girl with meningitis confronted a burglar despite having no arms.
I'm really looking forward to it.
A night out with my hero husband.
I can't go to this, I don't deserve it.
You do.
No, not compared to these people.
You've got to understand, this incident has been blown out of all proportion.
What about all the things you do that go unnoticed? Think of this as a prize for all that as well.
This has made me realise I don't support you enough sometimes.
No, you do.
I don't.
And I've been meaning to say, I'm sorry.
When I was ranting about your job this week.
It's all right.
I was in a bad mood.
But I'm really proud of you, darling.
Not just for this award but for everything you do.
I'm even looking forward to your trip to Dover.
Assuming I can get 45 parental consent, health and safety and day of departure forms signed.
And I've got to tell the one person who wants to come that he can't.
Colin's CRB report's in.
39 entries.
Including convictions for sexual harassment, obscene phone calls and attempted kidnap on just one weekend.
So now you're my hero, you're more physically appealing to me than ever before.
You've got to understand, I didn't do anything.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Why don't you come and not do anything to me over here? But I really didn't.
I Shut up.
Take your pants off.
Sorry.
Sexual harassment, obscene phone calls and attempted kidnap.
I was in love, Adam.
What can I say? She drove me bit nuts.
You know what women are like.
But anyway, that doesn't matter for this trip, because it weren't an offence with a child.
Mandy was in her 50s.
Well, we have to take into account everything you've done, Colin, not Are you saying I can't come to the seaside? I'm sorry, but the Diocesan Child Protection Officer won't approve it.
I'm a different person now.
I know that.
I'd take you if I could, but I can't.
I was looking forward to it.
You promised.
What about forgiveness and second chances? You're always talking about them, but, actually, there isn't any forgiveness, is there? That's the message here.
People think you're some hero.
Well, you're no hero to me.
You're a wank stain.
Is that Captain Underpants? Iit's hot! It is.
The Pride of Britain hero no less.
Welcome to my club.
Come and perch by me.
I want to talk to you in private.
I've only got an hour for treatments today.
Seems like a nice place.
Very friendly people.
I thought I might get a renewing herbal rub-down.
Well, if you, I'd recommend Claudio.
If you ask him to, he can go very firm and deep.
Maybe you'll get a hero's discount.
Hello, Roland! I'm so glad you took my advice about getting out in the media more.
Now, I've been talking to the award organisers and I suspect you may in fact be winning in your category tomorrow.
Right.
So I don't want you to go messing it up.
The media time alone is worth 430 grand, plus the incalculable benefit of the public perceiving vicars to be heroes.
The problem is I didn't actually do anything.
No doubt, but this is a great platform for the church.
I'll be there personally to guide you through the interviews.
Right.
You'll feel my firm hand right behind you.
Have you got an outfit? A decent suit.
I've never seen you in one.
I'll get one.
In your acceptance speech, don't forget to thank everybody, especially God and the little lady at home.
And, Roland, what are we going to do about his hair? It's my hair.
It's fine.
No, it's not.
I'll see you at the Grosvenor.
I need to get going now.
I've got tickets to watch David Hare read some of his emails at the National.
Do you want to borrow my loofah? No, thanks.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, Carol.
Thank you, Britain.
When I when I look at the other nominees, in many ways, I don't feel that deserving.
'I can't do this.
This is wrong.
Why have you engineered this, Lord? 'I didn't do anything.
You know it, I know it 'well, just you and I know it.
'But it has been quite nice.
'People respect me more, and it's been wonderful with Alex.
'She's been a bit down recently, but she's really enjoying being my wife since the nomination.
'National television, millions of viewers.
'I'm a hero vicar.
Maybe I better just accept this award, 'is that what you want? Yes? Seems to be what everyone wants.
'Yes.
' Adam.
Adam.
Adam, the Bishop.
The Bishop.
What's the matter? The Bishop of London's here.
Hello.
I'm looking for the Reverend Adam Smallbone.
That's him.
That's me.
I'm so glad.
I'm happy to meet you.
I was just passing and I thought I'd pop in and have a look at the cradle of heroism.
Meet the man of courage inside.
Can I just say, on behalf of all of us, that I think you are doing a wonderful job at the moment.
Thank you.
And I I've read all of your books about how to pray and even the one about how to pass your GCSE Religious Studies.
Thank you.
I couldn't possible have a cup of tea? Would you mind? Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Shall we? I hope you don't feel imposed upon.
It's so lovely to have a positive story come across my desk.
And I hear you run a wonderful church, when you're not making headlines.
Well, no, yes, I try.
It's so inspiring.
You took this mugger on? It's just so physically courageous.
Incredible, really.
I actually don't deserve any of this.
Really? Tell me what happened.
Well, I was out on the street, and this thief snatched this lady's bag and ran off with it.
And collided with me.
Ran into me, really.
I see, and that's when you fought him? Well, no, no.
We-we-we both fell down.
And then you used your fighting skills? Not really.
And then what happened? And then I helped him onto a bus.
So you see it's all a mistake, because nothing really happened at all.
It's a lie.
And now I'm about to be given an award for heroism.
I see.
You've got yourself into a bit of a pickle, haven't you? The reality is I can barely run a school trip to the seaside, cos the admin defeats me.
I'm going to have to decline the award, aren't I? Or should I accept it? Because it has done quite a lot of good in some ways.
People want to believe in a good vicar, don't they? Yes.
You're absolutely right, I can't accept it.
No, I'll go to the awards dinner and decline it.
Set the record straight.
But if you're going to decline it, wouldn't you want to decline it beforehand? OK, yes.
I'll I'll do that.
It's just that I did promise my wife a night out and that I'd get Carol Vorderman's autograph for Nigel.
Maybe I could just go to the pre-drinks reception with Alex, because she does deserve No, that's People are going to be so disappointed.
Yes.
You're going to have to tell the truth.
And that's where your courage will really be shown.
Gloriam praecedit humilitas.
Yes.
Glory before humility.
Well before glory goes humility.
Yes, that's right.
Yes, that's what I think.
Good luck with your school trip.
Yes.
Thanks.
Where is he? Has he gone? Buggeration! Adam, I am so angry with you.
I had the whole family gathered round the telly.
The one time I could have worn a dress and had a night out.
Come on.
Forget about the stupid awards.
We're taking away these kids for a day trip.
It's far more important.
Sorry I'm late, Adam.
Have you got all 45 of the parental consent forms? Nigel, what have you done to your arm? I fell over pulling my socks on.
It sounds stupid, I know, but actually three people a year die this way.
Eight people lose an eye opening champagne.
Where are these kids, anyway? I hate to say it, Adam.
I think they're going to be a no show.
No, look.
Here's a couple.
Chloe, Courtney, you came! Nothing better to do.
Great.
That's the spirit.
Anyone else coming? Dunno.
OK, well, two of you is better than none.
Educate one life, you educate the world in time.
Hang on, hang on.
Got any space? Colin.
Get on, Colin.
Come as one of the kids.
Magic.
Got tinnies for everyone.
Do not try to set fire to me, you little tike.
These kids are awful, aren't they? Yeah, we shouldn't have kids.
It's a terrible idea if they're anything like this.
Yeah, it's a terrible idea.