Rick and Morty (2013) s02e01 Episode Script

Hurry up, Morty.
Grandpa's about to un-freeze time.
You really should be cleaning from top to bottom.
I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer.
I've been doing it for six months.
Then you've been doing it wrong for six months.
Oh, my God, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day.
You have dropped so many balls, man.
Do you ever get scared grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? - What?! What kind of monster are you? - A competent one.
Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? The whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a [bleep.]
.
Put a shirt on your dumb dad, and let's get this dumb universe rolling.
Let's do this thing.
All right, listen, you two.
We froze time for a pretty long time, so when I un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize.
Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Morty.
Uh, I thought you learned that by now.
It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards.
- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um did we ever put that mattress under Mr.
Benson? - Shhh.
- Shush, Morty.
A thing or two about Wait, what? Was the house When we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed.
Negative visualization, Jerry.
Explains a lot about where you're at.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, dad.
Summer, Morty, are you okay? - We we just missed you a lot.
- Yeah, we missed you so much.
Too much to hug you, though.
Yeah, it would literally destroy them.
Now, listen, why don't Why don't Why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams.
Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies.
I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya.
- You guys go nuts.
- This better not be a bribe.
If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you.
I'll get my jacket.
Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah.
I like it this way.
I'm not stupid.
- Phew! - Oh.
Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on.
- Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny.
You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? - Yeah.
- Well, guess what? I made him up.
You really are your father's children.
Think for yourselves.
Don't be sheep.
God, I feel terrible.
Yep, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the universe can be.
One minute you're falling off a roof for six months, the next minute, bam! Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under Uh, what? It was your job, Morty.
- Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer.
I got to back the "m" bomb on this one.
I remember the conversation.
We told Morty to replace all the bank's money with cookies.
Your job was to put the mattress under Mr.
Benson.
Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man.
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, God.
Oh, no.
What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? - Wait, what am I saying? - Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good.
- Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so.
- Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move.
Don't speak, don't think.
I have to check something.
- What'd you do, Morty? - I'm gonna help grandpa.
What do you mean you're gonna help him? I can help, too.
- What's happening, grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up.
Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot.
The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please.
- English? Our time is fractured You two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.
W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker.
We're entirely hypothetical.
But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.
Look.
Oh, my God! Are those cats? I assume they're Schrà dinger's cats.
Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us.
- Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? - Where are mom and dad? - What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass.
The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion.
Your parents get to exist.
They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their [bleep.]
marriage.
Cold stone creamery is the best.
What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? - Whoa! - Aaah! Holy [bleep.]
! - What happened? - I hit a deer.
We we have to tell the cops you were driving.
- What? - This is rum raisin! - It's still alive.
- Well, do we Do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or? It's not an armadillo, asshole.
I thought that's what a man's supposed to say.
It's not like I could've actually done it.
If we were near a hospital, I could treat it, but I I think we have to just It's okay.
This is just something that happens.
And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do? You're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon.
So? Well, don't different animals Require different levels of skill to keep alive? - Oh, God.
- Get the deer in the car, Jerry.
Yes, Beth.
This is why you don't freeze time, you guys.
It's incredibly irresponsible.
And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty.
Like, literally no time.
Look around.
Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable.
Eventually, everything either is or isn't.
And we've got about four hours to be "is".
- Or? - We isn't.
All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time.
- How do you know - How do you know that Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing.
And away we go.
Huh, what do you know.
It's working.
- Ow, ow, ow! - Oh [bleep.]
.
What the hell is wrong with you two? I-I-I-I mean you four! That hurt! That was painful.
Good, I'm glad it was painful.
You deserve it.
I saw you.
Y-you're both all over the damn place.
We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum [bleep.]
wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? - Come on, spit it out! - Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick.
You make fun of me all the time You're always picking on me And now Summer's doing it and now you got Summer to kiss your ass.
Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous Could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it.
I see what's happening here.
You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be grandpa's favorite.
I can fix this.
Morty, sit here.
Summer, you sit here.
Now, listen.
I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit.
Yeah.
I can prove it mathematically.
Actually, let me grab my white board.
This has been a long time coming, anyway.
Emergency! Wounded deer coming in.
Three.
Excuse me, you can't be back here.
I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention.
- Nurse, please move that snake.
- That's my nurse.
And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs.
As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor.
So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out.
- It's time to save a life! - Geez.
That's odd.
This deer's wounded.
Uh, yeah, I was there.
You don't have to rub it in.
I mean it's been shot with a gun.
My gun.
May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer.
I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off.
This deer belongs to me.
We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline.
Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm.
Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal.
I'm calling my lawyer.
I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter.
In your dreams, bitch.
Scalpel.
So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi.
And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.
All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world.
- Yes.
- Yes.
All right, perfect.
Sit still.
Arms down.
I'm gonna do this again.
This time be like grandpa.
You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No.
- And away we go! And away we go! - Huh, that's weird.
- Huh, that's weird.
- Oh, my God.
- What? - Oh, my God.
- What? - The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! - What?! - The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! - What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath.
- Don't you get it?! - Don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore.
He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me.
He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them.
I have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too.
The difference is I would never do it, until now.
- Rick, what the hell are you doing? - Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's He's gonna be coming for you.
- Who? - Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho.
He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! I don't know what to do! Oh, God, now there's three of them.
We're outnumbered.
Get in the cupboards.
Wait, don't don't do that.
They'll know.
Wait, wait.
Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really.
Is this what you want, you sick [bleep.]
?! You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch.
You don't stop living until I say so! Michael.
- Who's this now? - My lawyer.
I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs or who intercepts it before it dies.
It's called Brad's law.
We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison.
Actually, I've decided not to eat it.
All this fear and conflict I'm sure it's ruined the meat.
I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall.
She normally works on horses.
Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the [bleep.]
out of here.
I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.
Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster.
I know how you think.
Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right.
Holy [bleep.]
now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right.
- Okay.
So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain.
Right.
I think I'm certain we're effed in the "a".
Oh, God, my head.
What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture.
You tried to kill yourself.
O-only in self-defense.
Myself tried to kill me first.
Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it.
Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that.
It's basic math.
C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet.
Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for God's sake.
All right, here.
- Give me the time crystal.
- Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself.
Here, listen.
It'll probably go to voice-mail since, you know, I'm calling myself.
- Hello, Rick here.
- Don't fall for it.
It's a bit.
Just kidding! Ha, ha! You just got ricked.
- You've reached Rick's voice-mail.
- You know what to do.
Hey, Rick.
It's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier.
No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too.
Take it easy.
Whoa, damn! Look at this.
I'm blowing up Three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick.
It's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard this one.
Hey, Rick.
It's Rick.
Hey, Rick, it's You get the idea.
W-we're cool now.
Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out of this crate.
Fine.
I'll just do it myself.
If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Morty.
That's the difference between you and me.
I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.
You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now.
You know, words hurt.
- Holy! - A monster! Hey, you hey, quit yelling.
Quit yelling.
What the [bleep.]
Your time is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice.
How did this happen? Shut the [bleep.]
up.
Oh, damn.
I'm from the fourth dimension.
I can hear all of y'all.
Now let's just see what we got here for a second.
Hey, damn it.
Were you trying to use this to Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumb-ass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick.
Yeah, grandpa, way to go.
What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head.
He came here in a bubble.
For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of nutsackland.
Shut up.
Here, put these on.
They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time.
Y'all are just Just just negligent.
See, now Now look right here.
Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on.
- We have them on.
- What are you talking about? - Uh, we did.
- We're not wearing collars.
Exactly.
'Cause you're being obstinate.
What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live.
- They're on right now.
- We did.
They're on.
All right, fine.
Summer, Morty, put them on.
- Yes, we're back! - No more cats! - We're back in certain time.
- Problem solved.
No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it.
- Yeah, I did.
Now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak-ass time again.
How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing.
Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever.
- Time prison? - Yeah.
Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumb-ass assin' ass asses could ever have on is if it was stolen.
You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.
Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here.
Get him! No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.
Mm.
Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure? That's right, Mrs.
Smith.
Give in to your anger.
Neglect that deer.
Honey, it's gonna be okay.
These men are from the Cervine Institute of elk, moose, deer, and stag.
They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border.
Where your jurisdiction ends.
I guess that's the end of that.
There is just one more thing.
According to this state's veterinarian statute, this animal can't be transferred until the current attending physician verbally confirms their inability to provide adequate care.
You heard the man, horse doctor.
You have to say you couldn't hack it.
We did it! Uh-huh.
No, mother no.
Earth, dude.
No, I'm talking about Yeah, with the dinosaurs.
No, if you get to the dolphin people, you gone too far.
All right, man, I'll talk to you later.
Okay.
You know what they do to third-dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever.
Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions, man.
Bringing you guys in is my ticket up.
What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? - You really think I'm that stupid? - All right, hear me out on this.
You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite.
Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you.
I cannot argue that.
Aaah! Oh, God, gross and weird! Chris! You killed my gun! Summer, Morty, take off your collars.
- What? - What the hell are you doing? Good question.
I suppose the answer is I'm not certain.
Oh, no, what are you doing? - I have no idea.
- I'm not sure.
Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.
List hey! Tw ow! But these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago.
Come on, let's help grandpa.
Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain.
Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, mother[bleep.]
! Ow! I'm defeated.
- What's happening? - Time is falling apart.
We've got to get back to certainty quick.
Give me your collars.
Oh, man.
Don't you have to fix, like, 30 of them? Morty, I have to fix three of them.
And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96.
I'm not an idiot.
I know how to be decisive.
- Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver.
- Now hand me that Phillips screwdriver.
- Actually, make it a flat-head.
- Actually, make it a Phillips.
Oh, shit.
Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today.
I know it's my fault we hit the deer.
And I know you wanted to be the one to save it.
Whatever.
How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego? Well, you'd have to be pretty petty.
But you'd still be the woman I married.
Where are we going? One last stop.
Where's the helicopter? There is no helicopter.
And there is no Cervine Institute.
But the top deer surgeon I'm looking at her.
Thanks for teeing me up like that.
You better get moving.
These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work.
They're not gonna last all night.
I need five minutes.
Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had.
Thanks to cold stone creamery.
You're welcome.
Okay, collars are done.
Put them on.
We're out of time.
It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute.
- Great.
- Rick! What's going on? The collar.
Oh, the latch is broken.
It won't latch closed around my neck.
- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him.
Don't blame this on me.
You're the one that couldn't fix a latch.
What are you talking about? It's not broken, Morty.
I fixed it.
Just put it on.
It won't close.
It's broken.
Fine, bring it here.
Oh! - Rick! - Morty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry.
I'm not the one who's so [bleep.]
uncertain about everything.
You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this.
I never want to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.
Rick! Oh! Morty, where's your collar? I'll fix it.
I dropped it.
What the hell? What have you done to me, Morty? I'm okay with this.
Be good, Morty.
Be better than me.
Oh [bleep.]
the other collar! I'm not okay with this.
I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my God, I have to I've got to fix this thing.
Please, God in heaven.
Please, God.
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! [Bleep.]
you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, if there's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, mother[bleep.]
! - Yes! - Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about.
- Oh, that was a close call.
- Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Morty.
- Oh, yeah, do it.
- Check me out.
I'm doing the cabbage patch.
- Do it right.
- I'm doing it, too.
- Do the cabbage patch.
- It's a classic dance.
- Do it.
Do the dance.
- Oh [bleep.]
look at that.
Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? I don't know.
I think, like, It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything.
Yeah.
But I feel like one of the 64 Ricks, like, sacrificed himself for me? - Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Morty.
The last time you felt something, we all almost died.
You little piece of shit.
Hey, guys, we're home.
Mom! Dad! Uh, hold the phone.
Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three.
Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle.
Not in a homophobic way, though.
They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying.
I'm gonna pee my pants! - Somebody call the planet of "tron"! - Doesn't feel so good, does it? - We have three "tron" people over here.
- No, it doesn't.
It hurts.
Seriously, are these Halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame.
Are those chokers from the '90s? What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk? Hey, man, when the hell were you? - Looking for you, asshole.
- I told you past the dinosaurs.
You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man.
It's this way.
- Come on.
- Give me that thing.
Speed it up.
He can't be this far back.
No, no, there he is.
There he is.
There he is.
There he is.
Stop, stop.
- So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him.
Hey, man.
Remember me? I got something for your ass.
Don't mess with time! You don't [bleep.]
with time! Mother[bleep.]
! I will mess with time.
I will mess with time.
Did you get any of that? It's a good show.