Sanford and Son (1972) s02e01 Episode Script

No one to walk with All by myself No one to talk with but I'm happy on the shelf Ain't misbehavin' Savin'my love For you, for you For you I'm all but certain it's you that - Hi, Pop.
- Hi, son.
I set a nice table, don't I? Me and Julia Child.
Ain't misbehavin' Mashed potato For you, for you Hey, Pop.
Say, what are you so happy about this morning? I know something that you don't know, and it's making me happy.
Oh, yeah? Well, what is it? Guess.
Something that would make me really happy.
Lena Horne's gonna move in with us.
Don't tell no jokes about Lena.
You know how I feel about her.
You can talk about anybody else, but don't mess with the Horne.
Now be serious.
Something that would really make me happy.
Guess.
Something that would make you happy.
President Nixon's not gonna run.
If he comes through Watts, he will.
Look, I mean Oh, well, you ain't gonna never get it.
So I'll just tell you.
You ready? I got it.
I woke up with it this morning.
Is it contagious? No.
You know what I mean.
I got the number for today.
Oh, Pop, don't tell me you're doing that again.
And don't be spreadin' it around.
I don't want nobody else playing it.
I thought you were through with that.
You haven't played in over a year.
I ain't had one of my special dreams in over a year.
Oh, you had another special dream.
Yeah.
See, I was dreamin' that I was ridin' a train.
All night long Kansas City, Omaha, Denver, China.
China? How'd you get to China on a train? I told you it was one of my special dreams.
- I don't wanna hear any more.
- Wait a minute.
You and your special dreams.
I've heard about 'em for 18 years.
Let me finish telling you about what happened in the dream.
I had this big suitcase bulging with money.
Was it that beat-up bag of yours with the rope? Nope.
It was a brand-new vinyl job with a chrome handle.
Then that explains it.
You picked up the wrong suitcase.
Let me explain the dream.
I looked it up in Lucky Lucille's Dream Book.
See here? Wait a minute.
I'll find it here.
I was reading it this morning.
Oh, here it is.
See what it says? "Riding on a bus or a train.
Number 219.
If you dream you are riding on a bus or a train it means good fortune will smile on you this day.
" Just because Lucky Lucille's Dream Book says the number for riding on a bus or train is number 219, you're betting on it.
That's not the only reason.
Guess what number the bus was I was ridin' on.
- What? - Twelve.
Now add up the numbers in 219.
- Two and one is three.
- And nine? - Twelve.
- Don't that give you goose pimples? No, it gives me a pain.
I don't wanna hear about these numbers.
- I want you to forget about 'em.
- Forget? It's money in the bank.
Pop, do you know what the odds are at winning at the numbers? Yeah.
Six hundred to one.
If you bet ten bucks, you win $6,000.
Six thousand dollars! We could pay off the mortgage and all this would be ours.
I'd rather have the $10.
If you just bet five bucks, you get $3,000.
We could get a new truck, a dishwasher, a television for the bedroom and have some money left over to go to Chinatown.
Forget it.
- What about three bucks? - No.
- Two? - I said no.
How about a buck? What if I find nine other guys to chip in a dime apiece? Listen.
I'm telling you for the last time to forget about the numbers.
I want you to forget these get-rich-quick schemes and start concentrating on doing an honest day's work for a change.
Who are you talking about doing a honest day's work? Me? Yeah, you.
Monday you were supposed to straighten out the radiators.
My back was killing me.
Tuesday you were supposed to paint some signs for the yard.
With my arthritis? Wednesday you were supposed to get the tubs together.
My feet were giving me trouble.
You know what's gonna be bothering you next? Your stomach! Because I'll be gone and it'll be empty.
I won't be around much longer to bother you.
Don't start that again.
It's true.
I'll be going to see your mother soon.
You won't have to worry about how much I eat.
You can have it all to yourself.
You'll just be a big, fat orphan.
I've heard this before so I'm leaving.
You'll wish you'd listened to me when my number comes out.
Look.
I know exactly how much money you've got in your pockets and if you bet as much as one nickel on the numbers, you'll be sorry.
And you'll be sorry you didn't bet with me because we could win a lot of money together.
I don't want anything from you except some work done around here.
And this is what I want.
One, I want you to separate the bicycle parts.
Two, pile up the tires.
Three, stack the tubs.
And four, call the undertaker to come take me away from here.
Look, Pop, that little bit of work is not gonna kill you.
Now, I'm coming back for lunch and I expect to see all this work done.
And remember no numbers.
You got that? Well, you can just push a guy so far, you know.
You can work a man so hard and then he'll just collapse and stretch out.
That's what I'm gonna do now.
Collapse and stretch out.
Hey, Pop, I'm home! Hey, Pop! What are you doin'? I was just helping you with your bath.
Would you like your back scrubbed? You think you're smart.
That's dangerous, wake up a fella like that.
- What if I'd have been unconscious? - I knew you was I knew you was unconscious.
When a man is laying flat on his back and his eyes are closed and there's funny sounds coming out of his nose, then he's unconscious.
I see you got a lot of work done.
You didn't do one thing I asked.
Are you gonna stay in this tub all day? Will you let me explain? I started to do everything the tires, the tubs.
Then I got this hot feeling all over.
I thought I was gonna faint.
- I didn't know what to do.
- What did you do? You know that medical book, A Thousand and One Diseases in the Home? Well, I looked in it to see what it was I had.
- And you know what I got? - What? Menopause.
Pop, menopause is something that a woman gets.
Well, maybe I caught it off of some woman.
It's not something you catch.
It happens to women when they get to a certain age.
I don't wanna talk about that.
Get out of that tub.
You didn't get no work done, and you're still not gonna get nothing done 'cause here comes your friend Bubba to waste some more of your time.
- Hi, Bubba.
- Hi, Fred.
Hi, Lamont.
- What's up, Bubba? - I don't know how to ask you this.
Go ahead, Bubba.
I mean, go ahead and ask.
Man, I'm broke.
Could you let me have five bucks? You caught me at a bad time, Bubba.
I got it.
You know, I did a dumb thing this morning.
I put my last ten dollars on a number.
Thought I had a sure thing.
I dreamt I was trimming a Christmas tree.
That's 374.
Right! Could've won $6,000.
Six thousand dollars! Well, Fred, thanks for the five.
Wait a minute.
You happen to know what number came out today? The one on riding a bus and train.
- 219! - That's it.
Did you hear that? You remember I was telling you about my dream.
If I had just put ten bucks, I'd have $6,000 now.
- Yeah, yeah.
Bubba had a dream too.
- You call that a dream? Only a born loser dreams about trimming a Christmas tree in September.
If I'd have bet five bucks, I'd have $3,000.
Okay, Pop.
Three thousand dollars.
If I'd have just bet three dollars, I'd have 1,800.
All right! If I'd have listened to you, I wouldn't have nothing.
But I didn't listen.
I bet a dollar and won 600 bucks.
Six big ones.
No one to talk with All by myself Hey, Pop, you home? Hey, Pop! You up there, Pop? Where did you get that ridiculous outfit? And where have you been? You were supposed to help me unload the truck and you just disappeared.
Allow me to answer your second question first.
To begin with, you don't ask a gentleman, who has just won $600 to help you unload.
The gentleman is already loaded.
He's trying to find his own way of unloading the load he's loaded with.
- So that's it.
- Yeah.
To answer your first question this ridiculous outfit was purchased at Phil's Fashion Box.
They said it was very popular at the Kentucky Derby.
You mean the Roller Derby.
- It's also my traveling outfit.
- Traveling outfit? Where could you possibly be going in that ridiculous getup? Where would you go? Go somewhere and have some fun.
Take a trip.
What would you do with six big ones in your pocket? I mean, five big ones, 'cause I left one big one at Phil's Fashion Box.
Well, I guess I was wrong.
I thought you were gonna be smart about it and put that money in the bank.
There's more important things that we could use that money for than a trip.
You name something more important than taking a trip and maybe I won't go.
All right.
The truck could use four new tires.
This house could stand a new paint job and some decent furniture.
And I, for one, could use a new outfit.
What do you say now? I'll drop you a postcard.
You're really gonna go, aren't you? Yes.
And you could go too if you hadn't stopped me from playing the number.
You're gonna blow $500 on a trip? Do you mind if I ask where you're going? A place I've always wanted to go before I die.
Intrigue, excitement, wildlife, big game.
Don't tell me you're going to Africa.
No, I'm going to Las Vegas.
See right here.
It figures.
You win some money and now you're gonna blow it on the crap table.
Crap table? You know I can't shoot no craps with my arthritis.
But it's just right for holding them handles on the slot machines.
I'm not gonna say another word about it.
Just go ahead.
Have fun.
- I will.
- Don't even think about me.
I won't.
I begged you not to go, and what was your answer? I went.
You're really a selfish old man.
You know what it says in the Bible? "God loveth a cheerful giver.
" And there's another one in there that I like.
It also says "Take thee care of number one.
" That must be Bubba.
He's gonna drive me to the airport.
- You mean, you're gonna fly? - All the time I'm gone.
- Ethel.
- Hello, Fred.
Hello, Lamont.
Fred, I heard about your good luck.
Congratulations.
Isn't it wonderful? Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to Las Vegas, you know.
Oh! Good! And I brought you something to help you celebrate.
Why don't you sit over here? Something just for you.
Something you like very much.
Pig tails and black-eyed peas.
That's so nice of you.
Thanks.
Delicious! Yeah, well, I'm sure glad somebody can enjoy them.
- Lord knows I sure can't.
- What are you talking about? - You don't wanna hear about it.
- What's the matter, Aunt Ethyl? It's my gallbladder.
- It's your what? - My gallbladder.
But you don't wanna hear about it, do you, Fred? No, not while I'm eating pig tails.
What's the matter with your gallbladder? Plenty.
The doctor says it's supposed to be the size of a pear.
- Mine is the size of a Persian melon.
- No kidding.
Imagine walking around with a Persian melon inside you.
What are you gonna do about it? - I'm supposed to have an operation.
- When are you gonna have it? When I get the money.
Guess I'll see what's keeping Bubba.
- How expensive is the operation? - Very expensive.
I've got most of the money, but I need an extra $200.
But you don't want to hear about it, do you, Fred? Gee whiz, Bubba oughta be here by now.
I wish I had the $200 to give you so you can have that operation.
But, hey, wait a minute.
Why don't we ask Pop? He's got it.
I'm going outside and see if I can see Bubba.
Pop, did you hear that? Aunt Ethel needs an operation on her gallbladder real bad.
We oughta give it to her.
Las Vegas will always be there.
And so will her gallbladder.
Look, let's leave everything where it is.
Pop, I think you oughta help.
This isn't just anybody.
This is Aunt Ethyl, Mom's sister.
Did you ever stop to think you might be the one to save her life? Wait a minute.
Say, Ethyl, what did the doctor say? I mean, is there any danger in case you don't have the operation? When will you be coming back from Las Vegas, Fred? - Ten days.
- I'll be with Elizabeth by then.
- Did you hear that, Pop? - Yeah, I heard her.
I don't know how much pain it is having a gallbladder removed from your stomach.
But the pain don't compare with having two big ones removed from your pocket.
Oh, Fred! Do you mean it? Is that for me? - Yeah, go on.
Take it.
- Oh, Fred, I don't know what to say.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Me too.
Fred, thank you and bless you.
Bless you, Lamont.
Bless you both.
And bless this house.
Don't say nothing to me.
Don't say a word.
You think you'll keep me from going on my trip.
You're wrong.
I'm going anyhow.
Pop, I was just gonna say that that was a nice thing you just did.
Doesn't it make you feel better? Don't you feel warm inside? Yeah.
Like heartburn.
There's Bubba now.
Late by $200 and a gallbladder.
I'll see you in five days instead of ten, son.
- Ain't you taking me to the airport? - What's the matter? You sick? Don't tell me you're sick and need an operation 'cause surgery is closed.
How could she do that? How could she do this to me? How could who do what to you? Who you talking about? You remember my ex-wife Maxine? Maxine.
Is that the one that cut up your clothes when she left you that day? Yeah.
Max the Knife.
What happened? What did she do? She sued me for back alimony, and I didn't have it, so they took my car.
So in other words, you can't drive me to the airport.
In other words, I can't drive myself to work.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Well, don't worry, Bubba.
I'll call myself a taxi.
- How much do you need to get your car? - I need $250, Lamont.
Is that all? Did you hear that, Pop? All Bubba needs is $250 to get his car back.
Is this the taxicab company? This is a serious emergency.
You gotta help him.
Bubba's your best friend and you're the only person that can help him out.
He needs $250.
I only got 300 left.
He won't be able to go to work without his car.
Bubba's in big trouble.
- What about my trip? - What about it? If it was the other way around, you know Bubba would give you that money.
He wouldn't think about nothing else.
What do you say, Pop? I say, "Good-bye, Las Vegas.
Hello, Watts.
" Bubba, here's the money for your car.
Gee, Fred, I really do appreciate this.
Don't you kiss me, Bubba.
I'm going to get the car and drive you to the airport.
For what? To watch the planes take off and land? I ain't got no money.
- I can't go nowhere.
- I'm sorry about that, Fred.
But, you see, you saved my life.
Bless you, Fred.
Bless you, Lamont.
Bless this house.
Satisfied now? I'm broke.
That's what you wanted so I couldn't go nowhere.
You gave that money to Aunt Ethel and to Bubba because you are a good person.
You are.
You don't want to admit it, but you've got a big heart.
It's not my big heart that got me broke.
It was your big mouth.
All I know is you did two nice things today and you still got $50 left.
You want it? There it is.
Take it.
It's yours.
- I couldn't take it.
Take it back.
- What do I need it for? For what? Here comes another touch here now.
- Mr.
Sanford? - Yes.
Mr.
Sanford, I'm with The Los Angeles Times.
We're doing an in-depth story on people who win these private lotteries.
- I heard you hit the number today.
- Where'd you hear that? We have our ways.
I'd like to get a picture of you holding up your winnings.
That's too bad.
My pop gave most of the money away to friends who needed it.
- All that's left is this $50.
- Oh, that's it, huh? - That's it.
- That's all there is.
Well, if that's all there is, that's all there is.
I'll take it! - Great day in the morning! - It's a stickup! You're not from The Los Angeles Times.
If I was, would I be doing this, dummy? What are you doing? In case anybody else come in asking me for some of my winnings What's the matter? Didn't you sleep well last night? Could you repeat that? I said, "Terrible.
I was up all night.
I had a nightmare.
" No kidding.
What kind of nightmare? I was dreaming I was walking down the street with no clothes on.
That must've been a nightmare for the people on the street too.
- Then a cop started chasing me.
- That's a nightmare, all right.
And it turned out that the cop was a woman.
Uh-oh.
Now the nightmare becomes a fantasy.
And she was chasing me and she finally caught up with me.
She was writing me a ticket when she noticed I didn't have no pockets.
Then she started chasing me again.
That's a common dream.
Walking down the street with no clothes on.
Lots of people have that dream, Pop.
Oh, yeah? I didn't meet anyone I knew.
It was terrible.
- Hey, wait a minute.
- What's the matter? - Let me look in my book.
- What are you doing? I'm gonna see what Lucky Lucille's got to say about that dream.
- Oh, Pop.
- That's right.
Here it is right here.
"Dreaming about walking and/or running down the street with no clothes on.
Number 186.
" - 186.
That's unbelievable.
- Why? That's what I weigh buck naked.
I ain't gonna let no hunch like this pass me by.
Don't tell me you're gonna play the numbers again.
I'm going to the pool hall now and put my numbers in.
What are you taking a suitcase for? Because when I win, I'm going from the pool hall straight to the airport.
Bye.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.