Scrubs s02e01 Episode Script

Yesterday seemed like it would be a good day.
Then it happened.
- Hey, everyone.
- Brace yourself, Newbie.
Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you.
It's true.
Ask you boyfriend.
He and Perry talk about it all the time.
And, Bob, when are you going to tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for was filled months ago? Which brings us to Twinkie.
If you don't have the courage to tell your colleague, Dr Dorian, you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna do it for you.
That's what friends do.
And finally, Perry.
You are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your protégé here.
No! I slept with him.
And it was good.
Bye.
Call it wishful thinking, but I couldn't shake this feeling that this was nothing more than a very, very bad dream.
- Good morning, tiger.
- Of course, I've been wrong before.
You let a woman kick you out of your bed? Why are you so cranky in the mornings? This is unacceptable.
You said we'd sleep head to foot.
The naughty bits are still in the middle.
But with the head to foot alignment, they can't lock in.
- Could you be more homophobic? - I'm not.
Ready to go? Morning, boy.
I can't remember the last time I was in this foul a mood.
- Rowdy, no.
- Is that supposed to cheer me up? Who would laugh at that? Yeah, Rowdy, hit that! I'm outta here.
Babe I hate it that everything's so messed up between all of us.
Well, just remember what I said to you this morning in bed.
I had shoes on.
It would've been impossible to lock in.
Everything's gonna be fine, OK? Just be cool.
- I'm cool, I'm cool.
- Two.
What? Babe, come on.
Where you going? Oh, God.
Just keep it down.
Clear.
Hey, Elliot.
Nighty-night.
I just wish one of my relationships could be back to normal.
Looks like someone switched to big-boy pants a little too soon.
That's very clever.
It looks like I wet myself.
Do you actually think that's funny? Yeah.
Good God, that's cold.
Life in a hospital is made up of highs and lows.
For instance, my spare pair of scrubs doesn't match, but I put my underwear in the microwave to dry them off and they feel good! - What are you smiling at? - Can I have Mr Buckley's chart? No problem.
I keep it right down there in the "get it yourself" file.
Bob, I've been thinking about all the times you've manipulated me and toyed with me, and well, I can't help but recall that children's fable about the race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates.
The chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running in front of the tortoise and taunting him, but at the end Oh, gosh, I'm sure you remember what happened.
The tortoise bit clean through the chief of medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground where he and the other turtles devoured him alive there on the racetrack.
It's a disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that's stuck with me nonetheless.
I beg your pardon.
That's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet.
And even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound.
And just like that, it was my turn to face the music.
Steady now.
Be brave.
Don't cry.
- Good morning.
- What the hell? Dr Dorian.
- Here you go, whizz kid.
- Is that my new nickname? I thought people would call me that in high school when I was in The Wiz.
It was a hip version of The Wizard of OZ.
Nipsey Russell played the Tin Man.
Remember that? No? Kids can be mean and everyone just started calling me Dorothy.
High school was hard.
I'm sorry, sport.
I was thinking about soup.
Now, Mr Zerbo was admitted with a high fever and suspected meningitis.
But the head CT and the lumbar puncture came back negative.
I have a full patient load.
You can't drop this guy on me and expect me to make him a priority.
Want me to say "ta-dah" so it seems more like a trick? Mr Zerbo is a major hospital benefactor and, by golly, it's a lot harder to write a big, fat cheque if you're dead.
Neurology, rheumatology, haematology He's been to every service in the hospital.
What shall I do? - I hope it's navy bean today.
- Dr Kelso.
Gee, sport, stop whining, find out what's wrong with him, and treat it.
Or you can be damn sure I'm gonna give you something to whine about.
Fine.
Adter all, I'm the whizz kid.
You are now.
Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident, he wants to clear things up so you don't have to wonder any more.
Yes, yes, no, yes, no and yes, if I've been drinking.
- Come here, Wonder Bread.
- What's up, doll? If you ever get this close again, I will end you.
I'm changing you to a yes because you're feisty.
- Carla, I'm sorry.
- For him? It's not your fault.
I'm talking about us.
I'm sorry for what I did wrong.
- Which was? - You know.
See? You don't even realise why I'm upset.
- Why are you smiling? - Because I set your ass up.
Baby, I should've told you how Cox felt about you, and I was wrong to talk behind your back, which is a violation of the trust our relationship is based on.
That is why I'm sorry.
- My boy's got mad apologizing skills.
- Todd, not now! You can't point out the obvious, you have to go deeper.
Todd, if you say, "That's what she said," I will brain you.
Now, come on, baby, connect with me.
Why am I really upset? I'm gonna stick with violation of trust.
Final answer.
Yeah, right.
You know, I got half a mind to ask her out.
Too soon? Well, thanks for the loaners, Chet.
Don't stain 'em.
Once you're a resident, you get a decent locker.
Still, it's a co-ed room, so if you need to change you do it fast.
That was, like, some sort of record or something.
Hello Sorry, Mom.
It's gotten awkward with this guy I was seeing.
And Yes, Mom Yay! I'm straight.
Look, I don't know what to do.
Every time I see him, I get so embarrassed.
And Ionely, and mortified, and I guess I was hoping that you could About 1 1 5 pounds.
Phen-phen kills people, Mom.
Because I'm a doctor.
That's how I know.
- You look pretty.
- Don't even start.
- You look horrible? - I look fantastic.
And that's starting.
I said not to start.
Laverne? That's what she said.
That's "don't start" in Spanish.
I planned to avoid Dr Cox all day, but I needed his help.
I have this patient, Mr Zerbo, I can't quite Maybe he just decided to let the whole ex-wife thing go.
- Auto-immune serologies? - Negative.
Then again, maybe he's letting me stew for a while.
- Bone marrow biopsy? - Negative.
What kind of man tortures people like this? 'Fraid you got yourself a toughie.
Fine, I'm sorry I slept with your ex-wife.
I think I'll sit back down.
It was an accident.
Look, first of all, it's not like you tripped and fell into her.
And then out of her and then into her again.
And second, you know I don't want to talk about this.
I don't want to know where you did it or even how it was.
A little scary.
Sorry, jitters.
Here come the fireworks.
Look, I know you didn't have any idea who she was, and understand why you were too nervous to tell me.
What do you say we leave it at that? I forgive you.
You are forgiven.
OK? - Cool.
- Damn.
Hospitals aren't as big as you think.
Eventually, you run into everyone.
Hey, Elliot.
I'm not hiding, I was just looking for my You, know, the I was Iooking for my dignity.
- Did you find it? - No.
I must've left it at college.
Oh, for God's sakes, would you throw her a rope? I have no idea how to treat this patient.
Help me out.
Now, she's in a really awkward place, so just be sensitive.
- I think we should sex each other.
- I'm sorry? Just hear me out.
Our relationship ended so quickly.
Maybe too quickly.
And now there's these feelings floating around and I feel like we'll always regret it if we don't see if they lead somewhere.
What do you think? I can't believe how weird it feels to be back here again.
Yeah, but it seems so right.
If Carla's so mad, why doesn't she just crash at her own place? Oh, she is back at her place.
What are you talking about, Willis? That's pretty funny.
We should make that one of our things.
That's stupid.
I think I'd really panic if she went back to her place.
JD, this sucks.
Yeah, you know what's weird, though? Dr Cox and I are pretty vegan kosher.
- He hasn't yelled at you? - No.
This guy screamed on you for 20 minutes for dropping a thermometer, and hasn't raised his voice about you and his ex-wife? - Uh-uh.
- I don't get that guy.
And that's when I realised something.
- Where you been? I paged you twice.
- I must've misplaced my pager.
The reason Dr Cox wasn't yelling at me like he used to You probably ought to try and find that.
he didn't care about me any more.
Yeah, that's a leaky o-ring.
I can fix her, but I don't got the parts in stock.
We need an o-ring down there.
That's entertainment.
Standing there, I couldn't help thinking about the way things used to be.
Don't forget, Felicia, if you Son, you really ought to buy that thing dinner first.
It wasn't just me and Dr Cox who weren't getting along.
Everyone was just drifting through the halls.
Each one of us acting like the others didn't exist.
That's when I decided to get pro-active, and I knew just where to start.
What the bejesus? - Hello, boys.
- What the hell are you doing? This is how the T odd gets his self-esteem on.
Do these help? Uncool! You look totally hot, mirror Todd.
I think we should talk about the sexual tension.
There is no sexual tension, OK? Just go ahead and look before your neck snaps.
- Awesome.
- JD, the problem is this place.
When we broke up, I had to see you the next day.
And the next day.
I never got any distance from the relationship.
I never got to move on.
And the sexual tension Oh, my God.
You have no idea what you sound like, do you? JD, JD, check it.
Rat tail! You don't wanna play? Too slow.
What now, Mr Smart Guy? That is so not funny.
Wet butt! - It gets better.
- Is it starting to burn? I would think so.
Hey, don't touch your eyes.
OK, right back on the horse.
- Thank you all for agreeing to talk.
- You paged us here.
I think there are simple solutions.
- Dr Cox, you're angry with me.
- No, I'm not.
- You're in love with Carla.
- He's not.
- I am.
- You're starting again.
You're mad Turk didn't trust you enough to say.
See? Trust, woman.
- Turk is sorry.
- Not any more.
- You thought he was a threat! - I'm a threat.
- You're not in love, you idealise me.
- Stay focused.
You're mad cos I'm scared of losing you? - Yes, because we're stronger than that.
- Apparently not.
Be glad I never took you for granted, silly woman.
- Refrain from name-calling.
- Oprah's right.
- Lay off! - You're still in love with your ex.
That's it! I've killed for much less than that.
And I'll do it again unless you all shut up now.
And I mean now! Glad we did this? I'm going out for Mexican food tonight.
I'll see you in bed, my friend.
Oh, my God! Rounds.
Rounds started five minutes ago and I totally forgot about Mr Zerbo.
Oh, my God! Are you planning on making this worth my while? Dr Dorian, step up to the mike and tell the entire gang how you ended up treating Mr Zerbo.
Think, whizz kid, think.
The hell with it Sir, I did nothing.
Is this because of the same kid as before? - You did nothing? - Nothing at all.
- Great job, sport.
- Huh? When a patient gets bounced from ward to ward, there's a chance a high fever could be sustained or even caused by the constant stream of antibiotics.
It's called drug fever.
And it's a good catch by Dr Dorian.
Next patient.
Mush, people, mush! Thank you, Doctor.
Oh, no problem.
It's funny.
I guess sometimes when you do nothing at all, things just have a way of fixing themselves.
That'll do it.
- I have other songs.
- Yeah, you do.
Do you know how I know that this is yours, Farrah? Someone found it next to a can of Fresca and a dog-eared copy of Teen People magazine.
Anyway, long story short.
The incident gave me a bang-up idea.
Because you see I've got tomorrow off.
So I'm gonna be on my couch sipping Scotch and paging you every 20 seconds.
If you don't answer every one, I'll shove this so far down your throat, it's gonna make you take a tinkle every time it goes off.
Big fun, right? You're gonna need this.
Let it come, let it It's good to be home.
Sort of.