Sex Education (2019) s02e01 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 1
1 ["I TOUCH MYSELF" BY SCALA & KOLACNY BROTHERS PLAYING.]
I love myself I want you to love me When I feel down I want you above me I search myself I want you to find me I forget myself I want you to remind me I don't want [MAN IN MOVIE.]
My God! How? By magic, of course.
Oh-oh-oh, I don't want anybody else Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no You're the one Who makes me come runnin' You're the sun who makes me shine When you're around I'm always laughin' I want to make you mine I close my eyes and see you before me Think I would die If you were to ignore me A fool could see Just how much I adore you I'd get down on my knees I'd do anything for you I don't want anybody else Fuck! Oh-oh-oh, I don't want anybody else Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no I don't want anybody else When I think about you, I touch myself [BEEPS.]
I don't want anybody else Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no [BEEPS.]
I'll be ten minutes, love.
[INAUDIBLE SPEECH.]
[WHISPERS.]
Not now.
I don't want anybody else When I think about you, I touch myself Oh-oh-oh, I don't want anybody else When I think about you, I touch myself [OTIS MOANING.]
- Ah! Mum! - Otis! Oh, I'm sorry! Ah! - What? - Fuck! Stop! [BOTH EXCLAIMING.]
I forgot my wallet.
["SEXUAL HEALING" BY THE HOT 8 BRASS BAND PLAYING.]
- What happened yesterday - Mum.
is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
Masturbating is normal and healthy, and I am so proud that you are at this stage of your pubescent development.
Okay, great.
Can we please not talk about it? However, there is a time and a place for such a - private activity.
- Mum! And I'm not sure the car, it being a shared space, is the most appropriate choice for such an event to occur.
Understood.
Revealing one's genitalia in public is also a criminal offense.
I will not do it again.
I promise.
Also, I've noticed you've been taking very long showers lately.
Now, I know that the bathroom is a safe environment in which to enjoy oneself, but I live here too, and I also need hot water.
So if you could please keep that in mind.
- Will do.
- Isn't it wonderful, how we've been talking so much more openly and honestly lately? - [DOORBELL CHIMES.]
- I have got to go.
Bye, darling.
Love you.
The coast is clear.
Thank you.
We have to tell them, Jean.
We will, just not yet.
Things have only just settled down between Otis and I, and Well, he's not ready yet.
Okay, but soon.
Mmm.
[OTIS.]
I think I have a problem.
My body has complete control over me.
[LAUGHS.]
You have discovered the wonders of your own penis, my friend.
It's normal.
It's not normal.
Last night I looked at some cheese, and I got an erection.
What type of cheese? - Brie.
- [LAUGHS.]
But I swear, it could have been anything.
The other day, I was riding my bike, and I get a boner out of nowhere.
Nothing but trees around me.
Corduroy trousers? - Yeah, how did you know? - Too much friction.
Why are you wanking so much? You've got a girlfriend now.
- Ola and I are taking things slow.
- Dude, you have the untapped sexual knowledge of a tantric master.
- What are you waiting for? - I don't know.
It's a lot of pressure, all right? I have all the theory, but in practice, I know nothing.
So what if Ola finds out about your wank problem? I thought you said it was normal? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, shit.
[CAR HORN HONKING.]
Enjoy the poverty shuttle! [CAR OCCUPANTS LAUGHING.]
[JACKSON PANTING.]
I know.
I need to be better.
You want that sports scholarship, don't you? Yeah.
Well, push yourself a bit harder, and we'll be halfway there.
I need to get to assembly, okay? Still no news from Maeve then? Nope.
That is okay.
It's a new term.
No more clinic, no more drama.
You can't give it up.
Think of all the status you're throwing away.
Knowing everyone's secret sex shame isn't going to make me popular.
No, it's going to make you all-powerful.
Um, maybe don't mention the whole clinic thing to Ola.
- She might think it's weird.
- 'Cause it was weird.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, you guys are super cute, but stop now, it's disgusting.
How are you feeling? You nervous? Yeah, a little bit.
- Is there anything I should know about? - Um, no, not really.
Nothing interesting ever happens around here.
[GIRL SCREAMING.]
There's a plague! Don't let them breathe on you.
[STUDENTS SCREAMING.]
Why does it look like The Walking Dead in here? - What is going on? - Chlamydia.
Everyone's got it.
One for a fiver, three for ten.
You can't catch chlamydia from the air.
You have to have had sexual contact - with a carrier.
- [BOY.]
Ssh! They don't know that, do they? Don't kill my business, man.
Simon.
Simon! That is highly unethical.
I've got to go and meet my chaperone, but I've got a free period after lunch.
- So do I.
- Do you want to hang at mine? Yes.
Yes, let's hang.
- Okay, see you later.
- Let's hang.
See you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah! Yeah! - Stop that.
We all know what "hang" is code for.
It is time to put the theory into practice, my friend.
- You never know Oh, my God.
- Sex kid! I think I've got chlamydia, and I read that I should rub bleach on my vagina, is that true? I'm not giving out advice anymore, but do not rub bleach anywhere on your body.
- Go to your GP.
- Excuse me.
Otto.
Can one get chlamydia of the eye? Okay, it's Otis, and if infected genital fluids got into your eye, then, yes, you can have chlamydia of the eye.
But I've never had sex.
It's probably conjunctivitis, but I'm not giving advice anymore, so go to your doctor, please.
- Uh, you have to help them.
- Why, it's - It's not the same without Maeve.
- Why? Her job is so easy.
It's just booking appointments and taking money.
I'll do it for you.
I got a B plus in business studies last year.
- You never did business studies.
- That's irrelevant.
Let me guess, you think you have chlamydia? No.
My girlfriend says my cum tastes like kimchi.
Why do I have a fermented dick? Well, the taste of semen varies from person to person.
I can only suggest you have a healthy and balanced diet.
However, I'm not giving advice anymore, so you'll have to get help somewhere else.
Admit it.
You like giving advice.
Listen, Maeve has moved on, and so have I.
That's it.
- Okay? End of story.
- Oh! Why are you running from your true calling? - I'm not running.
- It's literally in your DNA, Otis.
Otis! Yes, we are fully aware of the outbreak.
I can assure you it's, uh [PUPILS SCREAMING.]
[BOY, SCREAMING.]
Oh! My dick! under control.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Ah, can I call you back, Mrs.
Hanratty? Thank you so much.
The chairman of the board is here.
She's heard about the situation.
Show her in.
Quickly! Quickly! And take that thing off.
Ah! Maxine! - What a pleasure to see you.
- In a bit of a pickle, are we? Pick [LAUGHS.]
No, no, no.
Everything is completely under control.
I don't want to see "Moordale Chlamydia Outbreak" as a headline in the papers tomorrow.
So, what are we doing to neutralize this? W Hm.
Well, I am organizing an emergency parents' assembly tonight.
Uh, we will nip this in the bud.
Very good.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[MAXINE CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm walking now.
Call all the parents, emergency assembly tonight.
I'm looking for my chaperone.
Hello, I'm Lily.
Oh.
I love Tank Girl.
Yeah.
It's criminally underrated.
There's two black-hooded rats mating in the biology lab, if you wanted to go and see after assembly.
They have surprisingly large phalluses.
Okay.
[MOANING.]
Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah Bah, bah Whoa-oh Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah Bah, bah Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah Bah, bah, bah Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah Bah, bah, bah [VOCALIZING.]
The night is young So are we Apparently Fiona Brady is patient zero.
She had an orgy at music camp, and it spread from there.
It is highly unlikely that this many people have chlamydia.
I think this is a classic case of mass hysteria.
What the fuck are you doing? You stood on my foot.
[INDISTINCT ARGUING.]
- Ow! - I'm sorry.
We don't have to take our clothes off - Stop.
- Get off! If you hadn't been such a slut in the first place, - we wouldn't be in this situation.
- Shut the fuck up! [CROWD GASPS.]
[LAUGHING.]
- Are you actually crying? - You dirty fucker.
Oh, my God.
They are butchering Jermaine Stewart.
At least I'm not miming.
- [GIRL.]
Stupid bitch.
- [AUDIENCE.]
Oh! [GRUNTS.]
I've got to go.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Ooh! Sorry.
Sorry.
[VOCALIZING CONTINUES.]
- Don't push me.
- You've ruined this for every Ow! This is a shitshow.
We don't have to take our clothes off [WHOOPING.]
Yeah! Let's hear it for Asking For Treble! Earth-shattering stuff, huh? You're a slut.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
More chocolate.
Sir, I've covered your pretzel in chocolate three times now.
More chocolate.
[SIGHS.]
You've got to be kidding me.
Uh Wiley, get back here! I can see you.
Hi, Frogface.
It's me, Mum.
Yes, I know who you are.
What do you want? - Nice wank? - I told you I have a problem.
Jesus is Lord.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Hey.
How you doing? - Hey, man.
Hey? You all right? Yeah.
Yeah, sorry.
I thought I just saw someone, but Can I talk to you? Martha and Gwen are going to kick me out of acapella group if I don't own up to giving them chlamydia, but it's not me.
I've been tested, and I don't have it.
I'm not giving out advice anymore, but I don't actually think anyone has chlamydia, - it's just mass hysteria.
- No, they definitely did have it.
They've been tested and treated, but they're convinced it's my fault, and now everyone in school thinks I'm a walking STI.
I heard Fiona caught chlamydia from doing bukakke with five guys.
Ugh.
What a slut.
Please.
This is so humiliating, I don't know what to do.
Okay, um, this is Eric.
He's in charge of appointments.
- He'll book you in.
- I don't have a diary yet, but I'll just use the natural organizational skills of my brain.
Thank you.
[WOMAN SOBBING.]
Is that true, Tim? Did you tell Clara that you enjoyed the dog's company more than hers? Yes.
[CLARA SOBS.]
Can you elaborate? The dog is really quiet.
[CRYING.]
Right.
Why do you guys think it was Fiona that give you chlamydia? She had a threesome at music camp.
[GIRL 2.]
And gave Sammy Watson a hand job during Mozart's Concerto 21.
And everybody knows she put Jamal Jacob's clarinet up her fanny! Can we please stop slut-shaming Fiona? She has had a full sexual health checkup and is clear of STIs, and neither of you have slept with her, so I don't understand how you could possibly think she gave it to you.
Because she put her slutty mouth all over our shared pitch whistle.
- Yeah, that's how we caught it! - I don't have chlamydia! How many times have I told you? - He literally said over and over - [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
Stop.
Stop! [SIGHS.]
Even if Fiona had chlamydia, which she doesn't, you cannot catch an STI from a pitch whistle.
It's too late.
Everyone still thinks it's me anyway.
You guys are sexually active, right? - [BOTH.]
Yeah.
- With multiple partners? - [BOTH.]
Yeah.
- Great.
Well, I'm going to need both of you to make a list of everyone you've had recent sexual contact with so we can find out who it really was.
Then you can start telling people it wasn't Fiona.
Names.
The sober virgins enjoy Tolstoy and saving themselves for marriage.
Then he says, "Yes, Daddy, but you see, I have to buy a horse.
" [LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING.]
The bong rats can't remember their own names and still think farts are the height of comedy.
Hey! [FARTING.]
The Untouchables rule over us with an iron fist of terror.
Nice dungarees.
Thanks.
Don't make eye contact.
- But he likes my dungarees.
- He doesn't like anyone's dungarees.
- Oh, my God.
- [GASPS.]
If you want my body And you think I'm sexy Come on, sugar Let me know - Which group is he in? - I don't know, but I think I just had a very small orgasm.
Come on, won't you tell me so? Tell me so [GIRL.]
He's from France.
And I heard he's a son of a Middle Eastern prince.
[ANWAR.]
I heard he's Kim Kardashian's secret adopted brother.
[CHUCKLES.]
He will be my boyfriend, okay? Hmm.
Fuck me.
So, we've spoken to Luke Hanratty and Niall Spencer, and they've both been tested.
- They're clear.
- Okay.
Martha said she only kissed Tom Baker, so we can cross him off the list.
[ERIC.]
Oh, my God.
Otis.
Otis.
Otis.
Otis! What? The hottest man I've ever seen just walked past me, and you missed it because of chlamydia.
Ah.
So, there's only one more name on this list.
Really? [OTIS.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! J-Dog, it's O-Town.
Ah, it's Otis.
- What do you want? - Well We were wondering why you gave the acapella group chlamydia.
- Pardon? - We were wondering It would seem that you had relations with Martha and Gwen who then both had chlamydia.
- So I'm just trying to - I never have sex without protection.
I've also been tested.
Would you like to see the results? - No.
- Yes.
That is exactly what we want, Jackson Marchetti.
Come on.
Thank you.
- I believe you.
- Yeah, but here we are.
He's clear.
He's clear.
Uh, yeah, you're good.
Thank you for taking such an active interest in my sex life.
Oh, say hi to Maeve for me.
Ooh.
I mean, I haven't seen her.
Why does Jackson hate you now? [LAUGHING.]
Shut up.
Dude, you're erect again! [LAUGHS.]
Was it the chlamydia or Jackson that gave you a hard-on? Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
- Your sister's got big, ain't she? - Half sister.
I grew you in the same womb, you're sisters.
So you got her back then? [ERIN.]
She was only at her dad's mum's for a bit, it was a blip.
I bet you got a right fright, didn't you? Seeing me out of the blue? Yeah.
I'm on step nine of NA.
- Making amends to those - you've harmed in the past.
We've been here before, Erin.
Don't call me Erin, I'm your mother.
It's different this time.
I've got a proper sponsor, been clean for a year.
I was waiting until I was really stable before I came back, and here I am.
So nice of you to fit me into your schedule.
Some things don't change.
I think you'll find quite a lot has changed, Erin.
Don't talk with your mouth full.
Do you know what? I don't really feel like making amends this time.
You haven't finished your burger! ["DO IT AGAIN A LITTLE BIT SLOWER" BY JON & ROBIN AND THE IN CROWD.]
Kiss me I love the way that you kiss me Are you sure there's no one in? There's only one thing wrong With the way that you kiss me Certain.
[JEAN.]
Hurry up! And plenty strong enough But the bad part is You don't do it slow enough, oh - Is this okay? - Yes! [OTIS MOANING.]
Is that okay? That is okay.
Do it again just a little bit slower [CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Hold me I love the way that you hold me - Why isn't it working? - I don't know.
Just keep Slower, slower Is it me? No.
No.
It's not you.
Just, maybe - Why isn't it getting hard? - I don't know.
I don't know.
- Sorry.
I can't.
- [OLA.]
I'm sorry.
Please just come back.
- [OTIS.]
Ah! - Otis! The stairs! [OTIS GROANING.]
- [OLA.]
Are you okay? - Fuck! - Otis! - Mum! What? - Dad? - What the fuck? - I'm sorry.
- Darling.
- [SCREAMS.]
- What the fuck is going on? [JAKOB.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[JEAN.]
We didn't want our relationship to affect your relationship.
- Relationship? - Your mother and I are dating.
My mum doesn't date.
Tell him, Mum.
Jakob and I are dating.
What, you mean like having casual sex? - Otis.
- Darling, it's not just casual.
Is there anything you want to say? [MURMURS.]
This is a safe space.
You can express any negative feelings.
You're dating my girlfriend's dad.
I was just starting to feel like a normal teenager, and now you go and make me feel like a freak, again! Otis.
- It's all right.
- [DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
He'll come around.
This is a good thing.
[EXHALES.]
[ERIN.]
Can I bum one of those? You're not supposed to smoke in front of children.
Well, I'm bound to fuck her up anyway.
What's a bit of second-hand smoke? [SIGHS.]
[LIGHTER CLICKS.]
I know you don't believe me, but it is different this time.
Look.
I found these.
- You always loved sparkly things.
- They're hideous.
Oh, come on.
They match your locks.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I used to dye my hair like that when I was your age.
Where are you getting money for gifts from? I'm seeing someone.
His name is James.
I met him at NA.
He's got his life together, and he's helping me stay on track.
He really understands how hard recovery can be.
Please don't tell me you shagged your sponsor.
You're unbelievable.
Well, he's not my sponsor anymore, is he? I've got a new sponsor now.
I really am taking it seriously, you know? [ELSIE BABBLING.]
Mummy'll be there in a minute, darling.
[ELSIE BABBLING.]
And he's great with Elsie.
He loves kids.
Does Jimbo know about me and Sean? Of course he doesn't.
So are you selling pretzels permanently? Nope, I'm still at school.
I'm not going to be a drop-out like you.
Well, that makes sense.
You could recite the alphabet when you were about one.
It was quite freaky.
I will tell him about you and Sean, I promise.
Your promises don't mean shit anymore, Erin.
I quit.
No, you're fired! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Good evening, parents of Moordale.
Our children are dying! [PARENTS.]
Yeah! No one is dying.
And how will you stop them dying? [PARENTS.]
Yeah! Well, we are encouraging all the students to get treated with antibiotics, and we will be re-educating them on safer sex practices.
- [HUBBUB.]
- Uh, everything is fine.
Teenagers don't listen! How will you be re-educating them on safer sex practices? [PARENTS.]
Yeah! Well, by re-educating them on safer sex - [MAN.]
Come on.
- [MAN 2.]
Come on! practices.
I believe what we're dealing with here is an outbreak of STI hysteria, rather than an outbreak of chlamydia.
You cannot catch this disease through breathing.
It is spread through genital fluids, exchanged during unprotected sex.
However, it is the misinformation about the disease that's hugely problematic.
It comes shrouded in shame and misunderstanding.
And is precisely how this kind of hysteria is spread.
[PARENTS.]
Yeah.
So, how will you be addressing that? [PARENTS.]
Yeah.
We will be returning to our tried and tested sex education curriculum.
- [PARENTS GROAN.]
- Well, with all due respect, sir, your curriculum isn't working.
As a sexual health professional, may I suggest that you look into tailoring your program to give our teenagers the correct tools to be able to free themselves from this unwarranted stigma? And what exactly are those tools? The three Ts.
Trust.
Talking.
- And truth.
- [MURMURING.]
- No, no, no.
- That's what we need! Right there.
Whoo! Yes Thank you.
You are very sexy when you're passionate.
Yes, fine.
[SOFIA.]
Of course he's got a training plan, Roz.
The coach says he's got to focus.
Well, he's lost all of his focus since he broke up with that girl.
[ROZ.]
He's had his first heartbreak.
It's normal.
[SOFIA.]
I told you.
We should never have let him date her.
[ROZ.]
Oh, as long as it's my fault then.
[SOFIA.]
What? How are you making this about you? - [ROZ.]
I'm here too, you know.
- [SOFIA.]
Don't we know it.
You're right, Mum.
I haven't been focused.
But I really want to see this through, and I'm going to make you proud.
Both of you.
I promise.
Now, please, just just stop fighting.
Wake up, I feel a little out of focus Grab the last of the beauty That I left by the bedside Wake up, I feel a little bit fuzzy Feel a little out of focus Grab the last of the beauty That I left by the bedside Drink it down, wake up Otis, Otis.
Okay, so you know the whole natural organizational skills of my brain thing? Yeah, well, you've got three appointments today, I don't know where, what time, or with who.
- Dude! - I'm sorry.
Don't come for me, man.
I'm gonna start writing it down.
Who's next on the chlamydia list? Well, we've spoken to all of them, and they all say they're clear.
[ERIC.]
Well, at least we tried, man.
Rumors die down eventually.
[BOY 1.]
Who do you think you got it from? [BOY 2.]
It was the choir chick, Fiona.
She's banged every gentleman in the school.
She's dirty, man.
We need to talk to the girls again.
Speaking of dirty, sexy times, how did things go with Ola yesterday? I do not want to talk about it.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Why, what happened? No.
Something very bad happened.
What? Okay, um - So, Ola and I tried to, you know - Have sex? No, but we tried to do more than kissing, and she - Wanked you off? - And I couldn't - Get hard.
- So now I'm wondering whether maybe I've masturbated so much that my penis has run out of erections.
[LAUGHING.]
Eric, it's not funny.
[TOILET RATTLES.]
.]
Who goes there? [DOOR OPENS.]
Well, I wasn't going to come out, because what you're talking about is very strange and embarrassing, and I thought it would be awkward.
You should wash your hands, you dirty pig! I didn't do a poo.
I was crying.
Oh.
Right, well, I hope you're okay.
Thank you.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- What an odd little man.
Good form, man.
[BOY.]
Yes.
Nice.
Let's go.
Nice.
Fuck! Shit! Bollocks! [BOY 2.]
Get Coach, come on! Get an ambulance! [PANTING.]
Shit! Uh, no.
No, no, no, no.
Chlamydia.
Smallpox doesn't exist anymore, Mrs.
Gibbs.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Can I call you back? - Wiley, you're barred from campus.
- Okay, please hear me out.
I know you don't think so, but I deserve a second chance at this school.
The things you said about my family are true, and I messed up, but I don't want to be like them.
I know I have more in me than that.
I believe that I'm an asset to your institution.
How so? These are the student essays that make your grade average so high.
I wrote every single one of them.
Leave my office immediately.
Read them and see.
If you let me back in, I won't tell everyone that your school is full of cheats.
I will call the police if you do not leave my office immediately.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- What? The chairman is here again, she wants to see the new gymnasium.
Wiley, get out.
- You're back.
- Just visiting.
- Changed your hair.
- Perceptive.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [BELL RINGING.]
- How've you been? I miss you.
You better get to class.
Yeah.
Okay.
Have you gone goth, cockbiter? I think you're lost.
Pretzel Parlor's back at the mall.
Yeah.
I've just seen Carl Mason use your car as a skate ramp.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Masks off, everyone.
Jesus.
But Fiona's given everyone chlamydia, sir.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Tell them that's not true.
- [MR.
HENDRICKS SIGHS.]
- You're supposed to be my friends.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Go and see if she's okay.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [BOTH SIGH.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Come on.
Okay, who wants to know about molecules? - [BELL CHIMES.]
- [MAEVE.]
Good afternoon, Moordale.
It's your ex-resident cockbiter, Maeve Wiley, speaking.
Here to read some of your brilliant, prize-winning essays.
Let's start with Ruby Matthews' A-star essay on Shakespeare's relationship to female empowerment.
It's a real belter, isn't it, Ruby? Except you wouldn't know, because I wrote it.
- Okay, so - Sir, come quickly, there's a fight.
Fight! [STUDENTS CLAMORING.]
[MAEVE.]
"It's most useful to examine this topic through the theme of marriage, as this is the framework within which the majority of Shakespeare's female protagonists are permitted to function.
The women in both Othello and Much Ado aim to take control over whom they marry or if they must marry at all.
Desdemona's decision to marry Othello against her father's wishes was so singular that it is almost transcendent.
" Maeve! What are you doing? Well, I've got nothing to lose, have I? Wiley! - [CLEARS THROAT.]
- What exactly is happening here? Nothing.
Just reading some non-plagiarized, top-line, A-star essays for shits and giggles.
What is she talking about? Would you like to tell her, or shall I? Every year we read out the best essays students have written to celebrate Moordale's achievements.
This is Maeve Wiley, one of our brightest pupils.
She's recently joined our Aptitude Scheme.
So you get students to read out essays in the middle of class time? Yes.
It's a tradition.
A very silly tradition that we must stop immediately.
An STI outbreak, mass class interruption.
I'm sorry, what's next? Little monkeys instead of teachers? Creationism? [SCOFFS.]
It's anarchy.
- [STUDENTS CLAMORING.]
- [MAXINE.]
Oh [MISS SANDS.]
Off you go, Maeve.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Miss Sands.
You - I think the chairman would be very interested to know that your son won the essay prize by cheating, and that you knew about it.
Maeve will be re-enrolled at school, and that's the end of it.
["TWO TRIBES" BY FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD PLAYING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
- [STUDENTS CLAMORING.]
[GIRLS SHOUTING.]
When two tribes go to war One is all that you can score Score no more, score no more When two tribes go to war One is all that you can score [STUDENTS SHOUTING.]
Ah, ferocious.
Right, I'm going to go get help.
There's nothing more scary than a woman fight.
- What? - I'm going.
[ERIC.]
Otis! Debbie, get out of the way.
Otis.
We need to do something.
They'll kill each other, right? - I know! - When I say "we," I mean "you.
" Go! Go! Girls, okay.
Sorry to interrupt.
Can you just stop fighting? [MAEVE.]
Eric! - What the hell's going on? - Okay, so, Gwen and Martha think that Fiona gave them chlamydia, but she's clear.
So we checked all the boys they slept with and they're clear too.
Look.
- [OTIS.]
Stop it.
- [GIRLS SCREAMING.]
Oh, my God.
Jesus be with him.
- Why isn't Owen's name on here? - Who's Owen? - That guy.
- [ERIC.]
What? Pointless acapella kid? Yeah, Gwen and Martha have been sleeping with him for ages.
He's always crying in the toilets 'cause they're trying to keep it a secret.
- How do you know that? - Because I know everything.
Otis needs help.
Oh, my God.
Time to do something.
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me now.
- You slut! - Slag! Bitches! [STUDENTS GASP.]
You gave me chlamydia! [STUDENTS GROAN.]
[SLOWED.]
No Otis! [ERIC.]
Otis? Otis.
Yes! [ERIC.]
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Speak up.
Okay, speak from the diaphragm.
Okay? Go on.
Owen has something to tell you, don't you, Owen? What? It was me who gave Martha and Gwen chlamydia.
Well, I found out I had it and got treated.
But didn't tell them I probably passed it on.
Uh-huh.
- Why didn't you tell them? - Why didn't you tell them? They're already ashamed of sleeping with me.
Apparently, I'm boring and uncool.
Imagine if they knew I had an STI too.
It is not shameful to have chlamydia, - but it's wrong to lie about it.
- It was wrong to lie about it.
We all have flaws, and our bodies do things we have no control over.
But we can always control being truthful.
I think you deserve better than to be someone's secret, Owen.
But you have to be honest with your sexual partners in the future.
That's all they're asking for.
I will.
And you should maybe tell your girlfriend about your wanking problem.
The truth will set you free.
I didn't ask to be therapized.
I didn't ask to be therapized either, to be fair.
Uh, I think that we've had quite enough of you today.
Go on.
Owen.
Uncalled for and unnecessary.
This institution is in disarray, and if you don't pull it together, you'll no longer be headmaster.
I'll be checking in every month, and I expect to see a turnaround.
Understood.
Good.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Hi, Headmaster Groff.
I was just wondering when Adam would be back? He won't be.
- Oh.
- Do not worry, Eric.
My son will no longer be making your life difficult.
Okay.
Thank you.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Why is he talking to her? Do they like ugly noses in France? I like your shirt.
I like your shirt too, Eric.
Yeah.
I mean, it's not completely hideous.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hi.
[OTIS.]
Hey.
We need to talk.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um Look, I'm sorry.
What's going on with you? I think I'm addicted to wanking, 'cause I've only just started, but I can't seem to stop, and I think I might have broken my penis because I do it too much.
- [OLA CHUCKLES.]
- That's why it wasn't working.
Ah.
Okay.
If you want to break up with me, I understand.
You're very unusual, Otis, but I don't want to break up with you.
It's all new for both of us.
We'll just figure it out together.
Okay? Yeah.
[JAKOB.]
Stop kissing my daughter! Oh! Just kidding.
I'm here to see your mum.
Sorry.
[SIGHS.]
[DOCTOR.]
Jackson.
You have a metacarpal fracture.
You'll be in a cast for about six weeks.
No swimming for the foreseeable future.
Sorry.
- Can I get someone to sign some forms? - Yeah.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
What happened? Mum, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I just wasn't concentrating.
It was a stupid accident, okay? Okay.
Silly boy.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[SIGHS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Hi.
Do you need some help? Well, I didn't ask for any, so, no.
- Okay.
- Looks like we're neighbors.
I'm Joe.
That ungrateful git's Isaac.
I'm Maeve, and I don't like noise.
Okay.
[SHOWER WATER RUNNING.]
Otis, too long! No more hot water, I'm afraid.
I'll look at your boiler if you like.
- Smoothie? - No! Oh, God.
[GROANS.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Jean Milburn speaking.
Jean.
Maxine Tarrington here, Moordale's chairman.
Sorry to call so early.
I was at the parents' assembly, and I agree with everything you said.
The state of our sex education is appalling.
It needs a rethink.
Well, I can recommend some great people to help revamp the curriculum if you'd like.
Or you could do it? Something's happening Happening to me My friends say I'm acting peculiarly Oh, ohh I wanna be with you everywhere [VOCALIZING.]
Dude, I think we've cured chlamydia.
Something's happening Happening to me Which group is Maeve in? She was kind of a loner until she started running that sex clinic thing with Otis, and then they would hang out all the time.
I wonder if they'll do it again now she's back? You do realize you can't do what you do without Maeve? She's the key to your whole weird operation.
Which is why it's over.
I've known you since you were nine years old, and you're never happier than when you're talking to people about their genitals.
I thought you wanted to be involved for the status.
I'm doing all right on my own.
Talk to her.
Do it.
[BLOWS SMOKE.]
- Hey.
- Hi.
Do you want your old job back? Back? I created it.
Now I'm not interested.
I need you.
You never wanted to do this in the first place, Otis.
Why not just drop it? Because we're good at it.
And I'm learning things, which I know sounds crazy, but it's true.
Come on.
I'll up your cut, 55 percent.
[SCOFFS.]
- Seventy.
- Sixty.
Deal.
- This is entirely about the money.
- Yeah.
It's good to be back in business.
["THE PROMISE" BY WHEN IN ROME PLAYING.]
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking Of the right words to say I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be But if you wait around awhile I'll make you fall for me I promise, I promise you I will I gotta tell you Need to tell you Gotta tell you, I've gotta tell you I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking Of the right words to say I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be And if I had to walk the world I'd make you fall for me I promise, I promise you I will I will
I love myself I want you to love me When I feel down I want you above me I search myself I want you to find me I forget myself I want you to remind me I don't want [MAN IN MOVIE.]
My God! How? By magic, of course.
Oh-oh-oh, I don't want anybody else Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no You're the one Who makes me come runnin' You're the sun who makes me shine When you're around I'm always laughin' I want to make you mine I close my eyes and see you before me Think I would die If you were to ignore me A fool could see Just how much I adore you I'd get down on my knees I'd do anything for you I don't want anybody else Fuck! Oh-oh-oh, I don't want anybody else Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no I don't want anybody else When I think about you, I touch myself [BEEPS.]
I don't want anybody else Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no [BEEPS.]
I'll be ten minutes, love.
[INAUDIBLE SPEECH.]
[WHISPERS.]
Not now.
I don't want anybody else When I think about you, I touch myself Oh-oh-oh, I don't want anybody else When I think about you, I touch myself [OTIS MOANING.]
- Ah! Mum! - Otis! Oh, I'm sorry! Ah! - What? - Fuck! Stop! [BOTH EXCLAIMING.]
I forgot my wallet.
["SEXUAL HEALING" BY THE HOT 8 BRASS BAND PLAYING.]
- What happened yesterday - Mum.
is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
Masturbating is normal and healthy, and I am so proud that you are at this stage of your pubescent development.
Okay, great.
Can we please not talk about it? However, there is a time and a place for such a - private activity.
- Mum! And I'm not sure the car, it being a shared space, is the most appropriate choice for such an event to occur.
Understood.
Revealing one's genitalia in public is also a criminal offense.
I will not do it again.
I promise.
Also, I've noticed you've been taking very long showers lately.
Now, I know that the bathroom is a safe environment in which to enjoy oneself, but I live here too, and I also need hot water.
So if you could please keep that in mind.
- Will do.
- Isn't it wonderful, how we've been talking so much more openly and honestly lately? - [DOORBELL CHIMES.]
- I have got to go.
Bye, darling.
Love you.
The coast is clear.
Thank you.
We have to tell them, Jean.
We will, just not yet.
Things have only just settled down between Otis and I, and Well, he's not ready yet.
Okay, but soon.
Mmm.
[OTIS.]
I think I have a problem.
My body has complete control over me.
[LAUGHS.]
You have discovered the wonders of your own penis, my friend.
It's normal.
It's not normal.
Last night I looked at some cheese, and I got an erection.
What type of cheese? - Brie.
- [LAUGHS.]
But I swear, it could have been anything.
The other day, I was riding my bike, and I get a boner out of nowhere.
Nothing but trees around me.
Corduroy trousers? - Yeah, how did you know? - Too much friction.
Why are you wanking so much? You've got a girlfriend now.
- Ola and I are taking things slow.
- Dude, you have the untapped sexual knowledge of a tantric master.
- What are you waiting for? - I don't know.
It's a lot of pressure, all right? I have all the theory, but in practice, I know nothing.
So what if Ola finds out about your wank problem? I thought you said it was normal? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, shit.
[CAR HORN HONKING.]
Enjoy the poverty shuttle! [CAR OCCUPANTS LAUGHING.]
[JACKSON PANTING.]
I know.
I need to be better.
You want that sports scholarship, don't you? Yeah.
Well, push yourself a bit harder, and we'll be halfway there.
I need to get to assembly, okay? Still no news from Maeve then? Nope.
That is okay.
It's a new term.
No more clinic, no more drama.
You can't give it up.
Think of all the status you're throwing away.
Knowing everyone's secret sex shame isn't going to make me popular.
No, it's going to make you all-powerful.
Um, maybe don't mention the whole clinic thing to Ola.
- She might think it's weird.
- 'Cause it was weird.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, you guys are super cute, but stop now, it's disgusting.
How are you feeling? You nervous? Yeah, a little bit.
- Is there anything I should know about? - Um, no, not really.
Nothing interesting ever happens around here.
[GIRL SCREAMING.]
There's a plague! Don't let them breathe on you.
[STUDENTS SCREAMING.]
Why does it look like The Walking Dead in here? - What is going on? - Chlamydia.
Everyone's got it.
One for a fiver, three for ten.
You can't catch chlamydia from the air.
You have to have had sexual contact - with a carrier.
- [BOY.]
Ssh! They don't know that, do they? Don't kill my business, man.
Simon.
Simon! That is highly unethical.
I've got to go and meet my chaperone, but I've got a free period after lunch.
- So do I.
- Do you want to hang at mine? Yes.
Yes, let's hang.
- Okay, see you later.
- Let's hang.
See you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah! Yeah! - Stop that.
We all know what "hang" is code for.
It is time to put the theory into practice, my friend.
- You never know Oh, my God.
- Sex kid! I think I've got chlamydia, and I read that I should rub bleach on my vagina, is that true? I'm not giving out advice anymore, but do not rub bleach anywhere on your body.
- Go to your GP.
- Excuse me.
Otto.
Can one get chlamydia of the eye? Okay, it's Otis, and if infected genital fluids got into your eye, then, yes, you can have chlamydia of the eye.
But I've never had sex.
It's probably conjunctivitis, but I'm not giving advice anymore, so go to your doctor, please.
- Uh, you have to help them.
- Why, it's - It's not the same without Maeve.
- Why? Her job is so easy.
It's just booking appointments and taking money.
I'll do it for you.
I got a B plus in business studies last year.
- You never did business studies.
- That's irrelevant.
Let me guess, you think you have chlamydia? No.
My girlfriend says my cum tastes like kimchi.
Why do I have a fermented dick? Well, the taste of semen varies from person to person.
I can only suggest you have a healthy and balanced diet.
However, I'm not giving advice anymore, so you'll have to get help somewhere else.
Admit it.
You like giving advice.
Listen, Maeve has moved on, and so have I.
That's it.
- Okay? End of story.
- Oh! Why are you running from your true calling? - I'm not running.
- It's literally in your DNA, Otis.
Otis! Yes, we are fully aware of the outbreak.
I can assure you it's, uh [PUPILS SCREAMING.]
[BOY, SCREAMING.]
Oh! My dick! under control.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Ah, can I call you back, Mrs.
Hanratty? Thank you so much.
The chairman of the board is here.
She's heard about the situation.
Show her in.
Quickly! Quickly! And take that thing off.
Ah! Maxine! - What a pleasure to see you.
- In a bit of a pickle, are we? Pick [LAUGHS.]
No, no, no.
Everything is completely under control.
I don't want to see "Moordale Chlamydia Outbreak" as a headline in the papers tomorrow.
So, what are we doing to neutralize this? W Hm.
Well, I am organizing an emergency parents' assembly tonight.
Uh, we will nip this in the bud.
Very good.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[MAXINE CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm walking now.
Call all the parents, emergency assembly tonight.
I'm looking for my chaperone.
Hello, I'm Lily.
Oh.
I love Tank Girl.
Yeah.
It's criminally underrated.
There's two black-hooded rats mating in the biology lab, if you wanted to go and see after assembly.
They have surprisingly large phalluses.
Okay.
[MOANING.]
Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah Bah, bah Whoa-oh Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah Bah, bah Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah Bah, bah, bah Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah Bah, bah, bah [VOCALIZING.]
The night is young So are we Apparently Fiona Brady is patient zero.
She had an orgy at music camp, and it spread from there.
It is highly unlikely that this many people have chlamydia.
I think this is a classic case of mass hysteria.
What the fuck are you doing? You stood on my foot.
[INDISTINCT ARGUING.]
- Ow! - I'm sorry.
We don't have to take our clothes off - Stop.
- Get off! If you hadn't been such a slut in the first place, - we wouldn't be in this situation.
- Shut the fuck up! [CROWD GASPS.]
[LAUGHING.]
- Are you actually crying? - You dirty fucker.
Oh, my God.
They are butchering Jermaine Stewart.
At least I'm not miming.
- [GIRL.]
Stupid bitch.
- [AUDIENCE.]
Oh! [GRUNTS.]
I've got to go.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Ooh! Sorry.
Sorry.
[VOCALIZING CONTINUES.]
- Don't push me.
- You've ruined this for every Ow! This is a shitshow.
We don't have to take our clothes off [WHOOPING.]
Yeah! Let's hear it for Asking For Treble! Earth-shattering stuff, huh? You're a slut.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
More chocolate.
Sir, I've covered your pretzel in chocolate three times now.
More chocolate.
[SIGHS.]
You've got to be kidding me.
Uh Wiley, get back here! I can see you.
Hi, Frogface.
It's me, Mum.
Yes, I know who you are.
What do you want? - Nice wank? - I told you I have a problem.
Jesus is Lord.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Hey.
How you doing? - Hey, man.
Hey? You all right? Yeah.
Yeah, sorry.
I thought I just saw someone, but Can I talk to you? Martha and Gwen are going to kick me out of acapella group if I don't own up to giving them chlamydia, but it's not me.
I've been tested, and I don't have it.
I'm not giving out advice anymore, but I don't actually think anyone has chlamydia, - it's just mass hysteria.
- No, they definitely did have it.
They've been tested and treated, but they're convinced it's my fault, and now everyone in school thinks I'm a walking STI.
I heard Fiona caught chlamydia from doing bukakke with five guys.
Ugh.
What a slut.
Please.
This is so humiliating, I don't know what to do.
Okay, um, this is Eric.
He's in charge of appointments.
- He'll book you in.
- I don't have a diary yet, but I'll just use the natural organizational skills of my brain.
Thank you.
[WOMAN SOBBING.]
Is that true, Tim? Did you tell Clara that you enjoyed the dog's company more than hers? Yes.
[CLARA SOBS.]
Can you elaborate? The dog is really quiet.
[CRYING.]
Right.
Why do you guys think it was Fiona that give you chlamydia? She had a threesome at music camp.
[GIRL 2.]
And gave Sammy Watson a hand job during Mozart's Concerto 21.
And everybody knows she put Jamal Jacob's clarinet up her fanny! Can we please stop slut-shaming Fiona? She has had a full sexual health checkup and is clear of STIs, and neither of you have slept with her, so I don't understand how you could possibly think she gave it to you.
Because she put her slutty mouth all over our shared pitch whistle.
- Yeah, that's how we caught it! - I don't have chlamydia! How many times have I told you? - He literally said over and over - [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
Stop.
Stop! [SIGHS.]
Even if Fiona had chlamydia, which she doesn't, you cannot catch an STI from a pitch whistle.
It's too late.
Everyone still thinks it's me anyway.
You guys are sexually active, right? - [BOTH.]
Yeah.
- With multiple partners? - [BOTH.]
Yeah.
- Great.
Well, I'm going to need both of you to make a list of everyone you've had recent sexual contact with so we can find out who it really was.
Then you can start telling people it wasn't Fiona.
Names.
The sober virgins enjoy Tolstoy and saving themselves for marriage.
Then he says, "Yes, Daddy, but you see, I have to buy a horse.
" [LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING.]
The bong rats can't remember their own names and still think farts are the height of comedy.
Hey! [FARTING.]
The Untouchables rule over us with an iron fist of terror.
Nice dungarees.
Thanks.
Don't make eye contact.
- But he likes my dungarees.
- He doesn't like anyone's dungarees.
- Oh, my God.
- [GASPS.]
If you want my body And you think I'm sexy Come on, sugar Let me know - Which group is he in? - I don't know, but I think I just had a very small orgasm.
Come on, won't you tell me so? Tell me so [GIRL.]
He's from France.
And I heard he's a son of a Middle Eastern prince.
[ANWAR.]
I heard he's Kim Kardashian's secret adopted brother.
[CHUCKLES.]
He will be my boyfriend, okay? Hmm.
Fuck me.
So, we've spoken to Luke Hanratty and Niall Spencer, and they've both been tested.
- They're clear.
- Okay.
Martha said she only kissed Tom Baker, so we can cross him off the list.
[ERIC.]
Oh, my God.
Otis.
Otis.
Otis.
Otis! What? The hottest man I've ever seen just walked past me, and you missed it because of chlamydia.
Ah.
So, there's only one more name on this list.
Really? [OTIS.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! J-Dog, it's O-Town.
Ah, it's Otis.
- What do you want? - Well We were wondering why you gave the acapella group chlamydia.
- Pardon? - We were wondering It would seem that you had relations with Martha and Gwen who then both had chlamydia.
- So I'm just trying to - I never have sex without protection.
I've also been tested.
Would you like to see the results? - No.
- Yes.
That is exactly what we want, Jackson Marchetti.
Come on.
Thank you.
- I believe you.
- Yeah, but here we are.
He's clear.
He's clear.
Uh, yeah, you're good.
Thank you for taking such an active interest in my sex life.
Oh, say hi to Maeve for me.
Ooh.
I mean, I haven't seen her.
Why does Jackson hate you now? [LAUGHING.]
Shut up.
Dude, you're erect again! [LAUGHS.]
Was it the chlamydia or Jackson that gave you a hard-on? Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
- Your sister's got big, ain't she? - Half sister.
I grew you in the same womb, you're sisters.
So you got her back then? [ERIN.]
She was only at her dad's mum's for a bit, it was a blip.
I bet you got a right fright, didn't you? Seeing me out of the blue? Yeah.
I'm on step nine of NA.
- Making amends to those - you've harmed in the past.
We've been here before, Erin.
Don't call me Erin, I'm your mother.
It's different this time.
I've got a proper sponsor, been clean for a year.
I was waiting until I was really stable before I came back, and here I am.
So nice of you to fit me into your schedule.
Some things don't change.
I think you'll find quite a lot has changed, Erin.
Don't talk with your mouth full.
Do you know what? I don't really feel like making amends this time.
You haven't finished your burger! ["DO IT AGAIN A LITTLE BIT SLOWER" BY JON & ROBIN AND THE IN CROWD.]
Kiss me I love the way that you kiss me Are you sure there's no one in? There's only one thing wrong With the way that you kiss me Certain.
[JEAN.]
Hurry up! And plenty strong enough But the bad part is You don't do it slow enough, oh - Is this okay? - Yes! [OTIS MOANING.]
Is that okay? That is okay.
Do it again just a little bit slower [CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Hold me I love the way that you hold me - Why isn't it working? - I don't know.
Just keep Slower, slower Is it me? No.
No.
It's not you.
Just, maybe - Why isn't it getting hard? - I don't know.
I don't know.
- Sorry.
I can't.
- [OLA.]
I'm sorry.
Please just come back.
- [OTIS.]
Ah! - Otis! The stairs! [OTIS GROANING.]
- [OLA.]
Are you okay? - Fuck! - Otis! - Mum! What? - Dad? - What the fuck? - I'm sorry.
- Darling.
- [SCREAMS.]
- What the fuck is going on? [JAKOB.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[JEAN.]
We didn't want our relationship to affect your relationship.
- Relationship? - Your mother and I are dating.
My mum doesn't date.
Tell him, Mum.
Jakob and I are dating.
What, you mean like having casual sex? - Otis.
- Darling, it's not just casual.
Is there anything you want to say? [MURMURS.]
This is a safe space.
You can express any negative feelings.
You're dating my girlfriend's dad.
I was just starting to feel like a normal teenager, and now you go and make me feel like a freak, again! Otis.
- It's all right.
- [DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
He'll come around.
This is a good thing.
[EXHALES.]
[ERIN.]
Can I bum one of those? You're not supposed to smoke in front of children.
Well, I'm bound to fuck her up anyway.
What's a bit of second-hand smoke? [SIGHS.]
[LIGHTER CLICKS.]
I know you don't believe me, but it is different this time.
Look.
I found these.
- You always loved sparkly things.
- They're hideous.
Oh, come on.
They match your locks.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I used to dye my hair like that when I was your age.
Where are you getting money for gifts from? I'm seeing someone.
His name is James.
I met him at NA.
He's got his life together, and he's helping me stay on track.
He really understands how hard recovery can be.
Please don't tell me you shagged your sponsor.
You're unbelievable.
Well, he's not my sponsor anymore, is he? I've got a new sponsor now.
I really am taking it seriously, you know? [ELSIE BABBLING.]
Mummy'll be there in a minute, darling.
[ELSIE BABBLING.]
And he's great with Elsie.
He loves kids.
Does Jimbo know about me and Sean? Of course he doesn't.
So are you selling pretzels permanently? Nope, I'm still at school.
I'm not going to be a drop-out like you.
Well, that makes sense.
You could recite the alphabet when you were about one.
It was quite freaky.
I will tell him about you and Sean, I promise.
Your promises don't mean shit anymore, Erin.
I quit.
No, you're fired! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Good evening, parents of Moordale.
Our children are dying! [PARENTS.]
Yeah! No one is dying.
And how will you stop them dying? [PARENTS.]
Yeah! Well, we are encouraging all the students to get treated with antibiotics, and we will be re-educating them on safer sex practices.
- [HUBBUB.]
- Uh, everything is fine.
Teenagers don't listen! How will you be re-educating them on safer sex practices? [PARENTS.]
Yeah! Well, by re-educating them on safer sex - [MAN.]
Come on.
- [MAN 2.]
Come on! practices.
I believe what we're dealing with here is an outbreak of STI hysteria, rather than an outbreak of chlamydia.
You cannot catch this disease through breathing.
It is spread through genital fluids, exchanged during unprotected sex.
However, it is the misinformation about the disease that's hugely problematic.
It comes shrouded in shame and misunderstanding.
And is precisely how this kind of hysteria is spread.
[PARENTS.]
Yeah.
So, how will you be addressing that? [PARENTS.]
Yeah.
We will be returning to our tried and tested sex education curriculum.
- [PARENTS GROAN.]
- Well, with all due respect, sir, your curriculum isn't working.
As a sexual health professional, may I suggest that you look into tailoring your program to give our teenagers the correct tools to be able to free themselves from this unwarranted stigma? And what exactly are those tools? The three Ts.
Trust.
Talking.
- And truth.
- [MURMURING.]
- No, no, no.
- That's what we need! Right there.
Whoo! Yes Thank you.
You are very sexy when you're passionate.
Yes, fine.
[SOFIA.]
Of course he's got a training plan, Roz.
The coach says he's got to focus.
Well, he's lost all of his focus since he broke up with that girl.
[ROZ.]
He's had his first heartbreak.
It's normal.
[SOFIA.]
I told you.
We should never have let him date her.
[ROZ.]
Oh, as long as it's my fault then.
[SOFIA.]
What? How are you making this about you? - [ROZ.]
I'm here too, you know.
- [SOFIA.]
Don't we know it.
You're right, Mum.
I haven't been focused.
But I really want to see this through, and I'm going to make you proud.
Both of you.
I promise.
Now, please, just just stop fighting.
Wake up, I feel a little out of focus Grab the last of the beauty That I left by the bedside Wake up, I feel a little bit fuzzy Feel a little out of focus Grab the last of the beauty That I left by the bedside Drink it down, wake up Otis, Otis.
Okay, so you know the whole natural organizational skills of my brain thing? Yeah, well, you've got three appointments today, I don't know where, what time, or with who.
- Dude! - I'm sorry.
Don't come for me, man.
I'm gonna start writing it down.
Who's next on the chlamydia list? Well, we've spoken to all of them, and they all say they're clear.
[ERIC.]
Well, at least we tried, man.
Rumors die down eventually.
[BOY 1.]
Who do you think you got it from? [BOY 2.]
It was the choir chick, Fiona.
She's banged every gentleman in the school.
She's dirty, man.
We need to talk to the girls again.
Speaking of dirty, sexy times, how did things go with Ola yesterday? I do not want to talk about it.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Why, what happened? No.
Something very bad happened.
What? Okay, um - So, Ola and I tried to, you know - Have sex? No, but we tried to do more than kissing, and she - Wanked you off? - And I couldn't - Get hard.
- So now I'm wondering whether maybe I've masturbated so much that my penis has run out of erections.
[LAUGHING.]
Eric, it's not funny.
[TOILET RATTLES.]
.]
Who goes there? [DOOR OPENS.]
Well, I wasn't going to come out, because what you're talking about is very strange and embarrassing, and I thought it would be awkward.
You should wash your hands, you dirty pig! I didn't do a poo.
I was crying.
Oh.
Right, well, I hope you're okay.
Thank you.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- What an odd little man.
Good form, man.
[BOY.]
Yes.
Nice.
Let's go.
Nice.
Fuck! Shit! Bollocks! [BOY 2.]
Get Coach, come on! Get an ambulance! [PANTING.]
Shit! Uh, no.
No, no, no, no.
Chlamydia.
Smallpox doesn't exist anymore, Mrs.
Gibbs.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Can I call you back? - Wiley, you're barred from campus.
- Okay, please hear me out.
I know you don't think so, but I deserve a second chance at this school.
The things you said about my family are true, and I messed up, but I don't want to be like them.
I know I have more in me than that.
I believe that I'm an asset to your institution.
How so? These are the student essays that make your grade average so high.
I wrote every single one of them.
Leave my office immediately.
Read them and see.
If you let me back in, I won't tell everyone that your school is full of cheats.
I will call the police if you do not leave my office immediately.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- What? The chairman is here again, she wants to see the new gymnasium.
Wiley, get out.
- You're back.
- Just visiting.
- Changed your hair.
- Perceptive.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [BELL RINGING.]
- How've you been? I miss you.
You better get to class.
Yeah.
Okay.
Have you gone goth, cockbiter? I think you're lost.
Pretzel Parlor's back at the mall.
Yeah.
I've just seen Carl Mason use your car as a skate ramp.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Masks off, everyone.
Jesus.
But Fiona's given everyone chlamydia, sir.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Tell them that's not true.
- [MR.
HENDRICKS SIGHS.]
- You're supposed to be my friends.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Go and see if she's okay.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [BOTH SIGH.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Come on.
Okay, who wants to know about molecules? - [BELL CHIMES.]
- [MAEVE.]
Good afternoon, Moordale.
It's your ex-resident cockbiter, Maeve Wiley, speaking.
Here to read some of your brilliant, prize-winning essays.
Let's start with Ruby Matthews' A-star essay on Shakespeare's relationship to female empowerment.
It's a real belter, isn't it, Ruby? Except you wouldn't know, because I wrote it.
- Okay, so - Sir, come quickly, there's a fight.
Fight! [STUDENTS CLAMORING.]
[MAEVE.]
"It's most useful to examine this topic through the theme of marriage, as this is the framework within which the majority of Shakespeare's female protagonists are permitted to function.
The women in both Othello and Much Ado aim to take control over whom they marry or if they must marry at all.
Desdemona's decision to marry Othello against her father's wishes was so singular that it is almost transcendent.
" Maeve! What are you doing? Well, I've got nothing to lose, have I? Wiley! - [CLEARS THROAT.]
- What exactly is happening here? Nothing.
Just reading some non-plagiarized, top-line, A-star essays for shits and giggles.
What is she talking about? Would you like to tell her, or shall I? Every year we read out the best essays students have written to celebrate Moordale's achievements.
This is Maeve Wiley, one of our brightest pupils.
She's recently joined our Aptitude Scheme.
So you get students to read out essays in the middle of class time? Yes.
It's a tradition.
A very silly tradition that we must stop immediately.
An STI outbreak, mass class interruption.
I'm sorry, what's next? Little monkeys instead of teachers? Creationism? [SCOFFS.]
It's anarchy.
- [STUDENTS CLAMORING.]
- [MAXINE.]
Oh [MISS SANDS.]
Off you go, Maeve.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Miss Sands.
You - I think the chairman would be very interested to know that your son won the essay prize by cheating, and that you knew about it.
Maeve will be re-enrolled at school, and that's the end of it.
["TWO TRIBES" BY FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD PLAYING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
- [STUDENTS CLAMORING.]
[GIRLS SHOUTING.]
When two tribes go to war One is all that you can score Score no more, score no more When two tribes go to war One is all that you can score [STUDENTS SHOUTING.]
Ah, ferocious.
Right, I'm going to go get help.
There's nothing more scary than a woman fight.
- What? - I'm going.
[ERIC.]
Otis! Debbie, get out of the way.
Otis.
We need to do something.
They'll kill each other, right? - I know! - When I say "we," I mean "you.
" Go! Go! Girls, okay.
Sorry to interrupt.
Can you just stop fighting? [MAEVE.]
Eric! - What the hell's going on? - Okay, so, Gwen and Martha think that Fiona gave them chlamydia, but she's clear.
So we checked all the boys they slept with and they're clear too.
Look.
- [OTIS.]
Stop it.
- [GIRLS SCREAMING.]
Oh, my God.
Jesus be with him.
- Why isn't Owen's name on here? - Who's Owen? - That guy.
- [ERIC.]
What? Pointless acapella kid? Yeah, Gwen and Martha have been sleeping with him for ages.
He's always crying in the toilets 'cause they're trying to keep it a secret.
- How do you know that? - Because I know everything.
Otis needs help.
Oh, my God.
Time to do something.
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me now.
- You slut! - Slag! Bitches! [STUDENTS GASP.]
You gave me chlamydia! [STUDENTS GROAN.]
[SLOWED.]
No Otis! [ERIC.]
Otis? Otis.
Yes! [ERIC.]
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Speak up.
Okay, speak from the diaphragm.
Okay? Go on.
Owen has something to tell you, don't you, Owen? What? It was me who gave Martha and Gwen chlamydia.
Well, I found out I had it and got treated.
But didn't tell them I probably passed it on.
Uh-huh.
- Why didn't you tell them? - Why didn't you tell them? They're already ashamed of sleeping with me.
Apparently, I'm boring and uncool.
Imagine if they knew I had an STI too.
It is not shameful to have chlamydia, - but it's wrong to lie about it.
- It was wrong to lie about it.
We all have flaws, and our bodies do things we have no control over.
But we can always control being truthful.
I think you deserve better than to be someone's secret, Owen.
But you have to be honest with your sexual partners in the future.
That's all they're asking for.
I will.
And you should maybe tell your girlfriend about your wanking problem.
The truth will set you free.
I didn't ask to be therapized.
I didn't ask to be therapized either, to be fair.
Uh, I think that we've had quite enough of you today.
Go on.
Owen.
Uncalled for and unnecessary.
This institution is in disarray, and if you don't pull it together, you'll no longer be headmaster.
I'll be checking in every month, and I expect to see a turnaround.
Understood.
Good.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Hi, Headmaster Groff.
I was just wondering when Adam would be back? He won't be.
- Oh.
- Do not worry, Eric.
My son will no longer be making your life difficult.
Okay.
Thank you.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Why is he talking to her? Do they like ugly noses in France? I like your shirt.
I like your shirt too, Eric.
Yeah.
I mean, it's not completely hideous.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hi.
[OTIS.]
Hey.
We need to talk.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um Look, I'm sorry.
What's going on with you? I think I'm addicted to wanking, 'cause I've only just started, but I can't seem to stop, and I think I might have broken my penis because I do it too much.
- [OLA CHUCKLES.]
- That's why it wasn't working.
Ah.
Okay.
If you want to break up with me, I understand.
You're very unusual, Otis, but I don't want to break up with you.
It's all new for both of us.
We'll just figure it out together.
Okay? Yeah.
[JAKOB.]
Stop kissing my daughter! Oh! Just kidding.
I'm here to see your mum.
Sorry.
[SIGHS.]
[DOCTOR.]
Jackson.
You have a metacarpal fracture.
You'll be in a cast for about six weeks.
No swimming for the foreseeable future.
Sorry.
- Can I get someone to sign some forms? - Yeah.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
What happened? Mum, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I just wasn't concentrating.
It was a stupid accident, okay? Okay.
Silly boy.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[SIGHS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Hi.
Do you need some help? Well, I didn't ask for any, so, no.
- Okay.
- Looks like we're neighbors.
I'm Joe.
That ungrateful git's Isaac.
I'm Maeve, and I don't like noise.
Okay.
[SHOWER WATER RUNNING.]
Otis, too long! No more hot water, I'm afraid.
I'll look at your boiler if you like.
- Smoothie? - No! Oh, God.
[GROANS.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Jean Milburn speaking.
Jean.
Maxine Tarrington here, Moordale's chairman.
Sorry to call so early.
I was at the parents' assembly, and I agree with everything you said.
The state of our sex education is appalling.
It needs a rethink.
Well, I can recommend some great people to help revamp the curriculum if you'd like.
Or you could do it? Something's happening Happening to me My friends say I'm acting peculiarly Oh, ohh I wanna be with you everywhere [VOCALIZING.]
Dude, I think we've cured chlamydia.
Something's happening Happening to me Which group is Maeve in? She was kind of a loner until she started running that sex clinic thing with Otis, and then they would hang out all the time.
I wonder if they'll do it again now she's back? You do realize you can't do what you do without Maeve? She's the key to your whole weird operation.
Which is why it's over.
I've known you since you were nine years old, and you're never happier than when you're talking to people about their genitals.
I thought you wanted to be involved for the status.
I'm doing all right on my own.
Talk to her.
Do it.
[BLOWS SMOKE.]
- Hey.
- Hi.
Do you want your old job back? Back? I created it.
Now I'm not interested.
I need you.
You never wanted to do this in the first place, Otis.
Why not just drop it? Because we're good at it.
And I'm learning things, which I know sounds crazy, but it's true.
Come on.
I'll up your cut, 55 percent.
[SCOFFS.]
- Seventy.
- Sixty.
Deal.
- This is entirely about the money.
- Yeah.
It's good to be back in business.
["THE PROMISE" BY WHEN IN ROME PLAYING.]
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking Of the right words to say I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be But if you wait around awhile I'll make you fall for me I promise, I promise you I will I gotta tell you Need to tell you Gotta tell you, I've gotta tell you I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking Of the right words to say I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be And if I had to walk the world I'd make you fall for me I promise, I promise you I will I will