Shoresy (2022) s02e01 Episode Script

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So I'm choreographing
a professional,
gold medal level figure
skating routine
to Whitney Houston's
"I Have Nothing."
Wait, so you're
a choreographer?
Carolyn:
I'm not a choreographer.
- Clarence: Can you skate?
- I've been on skates.
Oh!
What she wants to do
is a little crazy.
Has everybody forgotten that
Carolyn is not a choreographer?
I don't even know if I can do it
and I'm an Olympic medalist.
She's got a plan.
♪
Everybody happy?
Fabulously.
♪
What are you
gonna do differently?
You say the boys are gonna play
like you but the chirping,
and the lumber,
and the running around
have always been your game.
So, if I keep this team going,
how're you gonna raise
your game?
What are you gonna
do differently?
This team
will never lose again.
Welcome to another edition
of "Questionable Call"
brought to you by
BROdude Energy.
I'm your host,
Anik Archambault,
along with our panelists,
Tessa Bonhomme,
Jay Onrait, and the man
they call RA.
Mesdames and messieurs,
why save the best for last?
We're leading with these
peckerheads now?
I take it you saw the most
recent installment
of Bulldogs Mic'd Up?
Oui, monsieur.
And here are my personal
highlights from last week's bout
with the hicks from Timmins.
Hey, how'd that corn come in,
Apeldoorn?
She knee-high
by the 4th of July?
Hey, you ever see any crop
circles out there or?
Hey, when you're driving by
a field of cows,
how hard is it to not
just pull over
- and rope one of 'em right there?
- Fuck you, Shoresy!
There's entertainment value,
I'll give you that.
Tight competition.
But the best stuff comes
when they play Keller
in North Bay.
Holy fuck, Keller,
did that C get even bigger?
Should sell ads on that thing.
You know what might look nice
is some overhead
lights right here.
Put a missing kid on there,
ya fuckin' loser!
I love those Keller
exchanges too,
but you cannot beat the Soo.
Hey, those visors come
any darker?
I can still kinda see
how fuckin' ugly ya are.
Is there an eclipse tonight?
I can see your old lady
in the stands up there.
You should put one
of those on her.
- Are they still undefeated?
- Shoresy vowed the team
would never lose again.
And well--
They're all losers
in the NOSHO.
After dropping the final game
of the season
to the Soo Cyclones last year,
the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs
swept the playoffs
to win the league.
Damn shame the National
Senior Tournament
was cancelled.
They were on a heater!
- They still are.
- You bet, Tessa!
The Bulldogs are on a 20-game
win streak this year,
looking to win the final four
contest for a perfect season.
Never done before in the NOSHO.
They've got
the whole team buzzin'
but big individual efforts, too.
Michaels is the best goalie
in the NOSHO,
and JJ Frankie JJ
leads the league in goals!
- Frankie's on top of the world.
- Yeah, but they've got the new
American expansion team twice
and they're a handful.
You know, only in the NOSHO
could there exist two teams
from the Soo. Soo, Ontario,
and then, I didn't even
know there was--
- Soo, Michigan, baby.
- Yes, the NOSHO
- is now a five-team league.
- Yeah, but here's the problem,
they've spent the entire season
humiliating the rest
of the league on the internet.
They're putting a giant
target on their back.
Four games left
on the campaign,
Timmins, North Bay,
Soo Michigan at home,
then Soo Michigan
again stateside.
You know they're all
dying to spoil this
for the Bulldogs.
They've got bigger problems.
Not to sound like
the Bobfather here
but you think Shoresy
was bad last year
trying to get them
outta the bottom.
- Yes.
- I'm hearin' he's way worse
this year tryin' to keep 'em
at the top.
Whatever he's doin',
it's workin'.
No one can pass the Bulldogs
for first place this year.
They've got it locked up.
But with four games remaining
and four wins away from
a record-breaking season,
it's up to the Bulldogs.
They can be the best team
in the league this year,
or they can be the best team
in the league, ever.
Sure, Anik.
What could go wrong?
We're hammerin'
too much ass.
- That's why we're here.
- Well, not me.
- I know.
- Too many distractions,
Shoresy.
Priority is a perfect season.
Seriously, Nat, I want that
fuckin' record but like--
I've got my priorities straight.
- Sanger, don't be a pussy.
- But what, slut?
But like, the boys
are right up against it.
- Why?
- Well, one, we're on
- a 20-game heater.
- And two?
There's an impossible amount
of good-looking girls
in Sudbury.
Too bad all the dudes
are ugly, though.
I was just gonna say, Ziig,
your hair looks legit
- good like that.
- Yeah?
But I still think way
more dudes'd be into me.
- Guilty.
- Sanger don't be a pussy.
She's my girlfriend, my guy.
Yeah, but ya don't gotta
be like kee-he-he-he!
I asked you to raise
your game last year.
- Me?
- Oh, my God.
You started working hard
away from the rink,
throwing some weights around,
and I will give it to you, man,
- you got jacked.
- It's the least I can do, Nat.
Seriously, thank you so much for
keepin' the team goin'.
Tuck in your fuckin'
tampon string.
You answered the call.
But then, you went above
and beyond the call
and you got the rest of the team
- jacked with you.
- What's good for the goose.
Which brings us
to the problem
- of my own manufacturing.
- Hammerin' too much ass?
- Yeah--
- Huh?
They're top of the league,
defending champs,
20-game heater, and they're
the most jacked team
in the NOSHO. Can you imagine?
Trust me, you can't.
Got more ass than Kellogg's
got Corn Flakes.
I can't help but feel
entirely responsible.
- You are.
- You think?
Well if you don't want
the boys in snapper,
definitely don't make us do
a calendar of sexy photos.
- You're right.
- You're an idiot.
I can't believe you got
'em to do that shit.
That calendar's gonna bite us
in the ass one day, Nat.
You look like such a fucking
goof in that thing, Shoresy.
Ziig, you got a voice
that goes up one side of me
- and right down the other.
- I've got a voice?
Yeah, and a face
that makes me go, ah!
The money from the calendars
will help fund our bid
to host the National
Senior Tournament.
It won't get cancelled
again now.
- Brilliant move, ladies.
- Kee-he-he-he!
What's good
for the goose.
Four games left
for a perfect season.
- Keep the boys focused, slut.
- I want that record.
Make sure they get the message.
That you want the record?
The other one.
You're hammerin'
too much ass.
Well, I was more
talkin' to Goody.
- Mkay.
- Dolo, you're hammerin'
- way too much ass.
- Settle down.
What am I, chopped liver?
Well, they wheeled
more than you.
You're some crooked
aren't ya, b'y?
You ever have foie gras?
Yeah, like Dolo
wheeled the most.
- Goody's second.
- No, foie gras.
And then, you well in third.
B'ys, he's right
rotted, he is.
I'm not saying you're ugly,
Hitch. That's not
what I'm sayin'.
- Charitable of ya, me son.
- I'm just sayin'
- you're the ugliest here.
- Lard Jeezus!
- You got a dip?
- Bethany?
- Yeah?
- Join us out
where we're to, please?
Bethany Dawn.
Isn't it cute how
he calls me by my full name?
If we're becomin' one,
I do ya the courtesy.
Well, I only know
your nickname.
Well, his full name's
Ted Hitchcock.
- It's kinda funny 'cause when--
- Who's the ugliest
outta the b'ys here
where we're to?
Shoresy.
Now, go on in
out of it, me son.
- Sorry.
- Yeah, don't worry about it.
- What's that, old man?
- Should be two outta three.
Let's get on the go!
Melodie?
- Ooh.
- We got a nail-biter.
Shoresy is
the ugliest guy here.
All right, now we're out
the other end of 'er.
Oh Frankie is here.
- Tit fucker.
- Frankie's here?
Yeah, why do you think
it smells like
- spaghetti carbonara?
- Tit fucker.
Let's get some fuckin'
tandoori barbecue kebabs.
I dunno about that
Quebecer b'y.
Last year left us
in a real pickle
chasin' Laurence Leboeuf
back to Quebec.
- Laurence Leboeuf?
- Laurence Leboeuf?
- Well, would you chase 'er?
- Yes, b'y. You?
Was a bit young but
You're still
the ugliest, Shoresy.
I don't care.
I think he looks
pretty good.
Girl, no you don't.
Yeah, too much Bailey's
in my coffee this morning.
Just can't believe
you got them to do this shit.
Ask
and you shall receive.
They knew how much
ass would follow.
- Bingo.
- Got us to 50% full.
Bums in seats, baby.
Impressive numbers
for senior hockey.
But 50 ain't 75.
Has Michaels been acting weird?
Goalies are
always weird.
The Wolves get so many
kids out to the games.
I love seeing that. We need
to get more kids to the rink.
Kids in sports
stay off the streets.
Drugs kill dreams.
Yeah.
Let's focus on the youth, ladies.
Could fucking puke. Ugly.
The good thing about
the calendars
is that none of us
looked too ugly.
Sure, we're all in top shape,
b'ys.
Why not put it up
on a calendar?
Yeah, like the calendars'll
always be there
to remind us of a time
we weren't too ugly.
One day we'll wish
we're still lookin' so good
- as what we did.
- Settle down.
But it's kinda funny.
It's like, I come in,
I take my tarp off,
and then, we had to take
all your pictures again
because you didn't
have your tarps off.
Didn't think of it, old man.
Well, if I'm a broad lookin'
at a sexy calendar of dudes,
I'm probably hopin'
they have their tarps off.
Too hand to the game time
for a Martoonie, eh, me son?
Those calendars are gonna
bite us in the ass one day,
boys. All right,
who wants more?
One, two, three, four,
fuckin' 500 probably.
Tit fucker!
Didn't think
of the grease downs
either, old man.
Hey, we got eight Apeldoorn's
on deck here, gents.
Let's get focused here now.
First time I've been
in a room wit a dozen
or more greased up dudes, b'ys,
and might not be the last.
Well, if I'm a broad lookin'
at a calendar of sexy dudes
with their tarps off,
I'm probably hopin'
- they're greased down too.
- Les Jims.
Oh, is that the Jims?
- Yeah.
- Hey, Jim.
- Hello.
- Jim.
Sorry we're late, Shoresy.
We were playing
Reach For The Top.
All the b'ys with
the spray tans too, look.
Well, Dolo didn't get one.
For obvious reasons. Eh, Dolo?
It's pretty obvious why
you didn't get one, eh?
And ain't it sum'in.
The Jims didn't lift
a single weight,
kept der tarps
on the entire time,
and still might be d'most
popular of all the b'ys.
Now see, that idea
was all me,
but how 'bout a little
focusin' here, boys?
- Let's get focused in here now.
- Wait, are we talkin' about
puttin' them in their
jail guard uniforms?
Oh, see Hitch,
Fish would be the ugliest guy
in this room.
Be a lot less ugly if you were
still scorin' a goal a game.
You know, I think
the uniforms gave--
Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
Well, like, if I'm a broad
looking at a sexy calendar
of greased-down dudes
with their tarps off, I for sure
wouldn't mind a few rugged men
- in uniform sauced in there.
- Settle down.
Fuckin' bak'er right
into the cake, eh Jim?
- Yeah.
- Jim?
- Yes.
- Jim?
Traditionally, men in uniform
do pretty well
with broads,
but you should still ask them
how they're doing
the odd time, too.
Big warm-up here,
boys!
Let's get the blood
flowin' here now!
- Hey, Jim.
- Yeah.
- Jim.
- Hello.
- Jim.
- What's up, Dolo?
What's goin' on, buddy?
Trivia.
It's like a trivia--
Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
We run a trivia league
at the jail, bro.
Mental game starts
in warm-up here, boys.
- Let's go now.
- But ya calls it
- Reach For De Top?
- Yeah.
Reach For The Top's
an old Canadian TV game show.
But now it's just mostly
run out of high schools.
And you run it outta
the jail, like with the inmates?
No, with
the mouses, Fish.
Yeah, in teams of four.
The inmates compete
against each other but we also
have a team of four.
- Who's your fourth?
- Timmins Timber Kings, boys!
Let's get that fuckin' record!
Are you rolling?
Cory, are you rolling?
Shoresy will get going
before warm-up
so you should always be
rolling when they hit the ice.
Actually, start rolling when
they're in the tunnel even.
- I'm rolling.
- You know, if you clip
your walkie mic to your shoulder
you can get to it a lot quicker.
You see how I got mine?
I'm not doing that.
- Why not?
- 'Cause I've never seen a guy
with a walkie clipped
to his shoulder
gettin' his dink sucked.
Found your way outta
the corn maze, eh Apeldoorn,
- ya fuckin' loser?
- Comin' for that streak, bud!
Hey, Bill Gates buying up
farmland around you guys too or?
Wearing number 8
for the Timmins Timber Kings,
Mervin Emmanual Moses.
What a moment for this young man
as it is no doubt the greatest
moment of his entire life.
Hey, which one are you?
Fuckin' Elmer Isaac Ezekiel?
- You're dead.
- You're dead.
- No, I'm-I'm gonna kill ya.
- I'm gonna kill you.
I'm serious, I'll fuckin'
kill ya, Shoresy.
All right, first shift,
we kill each other.
- 20-game heater, ladies.
- Let's go, 21.
The eldest Apeldoorn's
been fighting everyone
- on the home stretch.
- We'll play any way you want.
The luxury of having a full
squad of guys who will go.
The only real fight's between
our team to see who gets him.
- Well, not all of them will go.
- True.
Yeah, but the one who won't
will spear you in the face
before you get your mitts off.
Shoresy, you ready?
Give your balls a tug,
tit fucker.
- You're goin'!
- Yaa-hoo!
Frankie, you ready?
- You're goin'!
- Yaa-hoo!
- Goody, you ready?
- Let's fuckin' go, Sanger.
- Good 'cause you're goin'!
- Yaa-hoo!
- Hitch, you ready?
- All hands, b'ys!
- Good 'cause you're goin'!
- Yaa-hoo!
Dolo, run 'em up
and fill 'em in?
Good 'cause you're
fuckin' goin!
- Yaa-hoo!
- The best goalie in the NOSHO,
- Michaels, are you ready?
- You're damn right, Sanger!
Good, 'cause you're
fuckin' goin'!
- Yaa-hoo!
- Pack mentality, boys!
Who's gonna set
the tone, boys?
Who's gonna fuckin' set it?!
Yeah!
Another goose egg
for Michaels.
Best goalie in the league.
He has been acting
weird though.
Goalies are always weird.
- What?
- Listen.
Fuck's sake!
We thought he was bad trying
to get us outta the bottom.
He is way worse trying
to keep us at the top.
You wanna chit-chat
with Apeldoorn between plays?
Go fuck him up the ass
and get it over with!
We only get fuckin' two
on the Timmins Timber Kings?
Half these guys worked
a fuckin' 12-hour shift.
We only get fuckin' two?
We've got the fuckin'
Yanks next week.
We have the fuckin'
Yanks next week!
Bet they're over there
with a bag of trans fats
havin' a good fuckin'
laugh at us. Hey!
You only get a stick
if you played
more than five minutes.
The useless don't get a stick
'cause the rest of ya can only
get two fuckin' tucks.
Fish! You used a get
a goal a fuckin' game.
- How many'd ya get tonight? Huh?
- Zero.
- And the game before that?
- Zero.
- And the game before that?
- Zero!
- You don't get one either!
- But they didn't get any.
Yeah, if it weren't
for fuckin' Michaels,
- the streak'd be over.
- Thank you, Shoresy.
- Shut the fuck up, Michaels!
- Two-nothing lead's
- the worst lead in hockey.
- And quit playin' the puck
so much. Think you're
fuckin' Marty Turco?
We were flat
as my grade 4 girlfriend
before Jim stepped in.
Thanks, Shoresy.
I think any one of these guys
- would have done the same--
- Thanks, Jim!
What happened to "They don't
ask how, they ask how many?"
- I'm asking how many!
- He's asking how many!
- I'm asking how many!
- He's fucking asking how many!
- Two isn't fuckin' enough!
- Yeah!
- Is he all right?
- He's acting weird.
Goalies
are always weird.
Two goals on Timmins?
I swear, if Frankie
wasn't tucking two a game--
- Frankie's on top of the world.
- Look at them.
No wonder they have
no legs in the third.
They already played
a period between the sheets.
Perks of being
number one.
Too many distractions.
Shoresy's on it.
You know he wants
that fucking record, Nat.
Look at you!
Go home, you're drunk.
Okay, Shoresy
is a dumb, ugly slut.
- Okay, she's back.
- Dumbest, ugliest slut
- we've got maybe.
- I knew she was still in there.
But that dude commits.
Loves to win.
Hates to lose.
Doesn't matter how long
it takes to get it.
If he wants it, he'll work.
Guess the rest of them
just have to decide.
Yeah. Do they wanna be
the best team in the league
this year, or do they wanna be
the best team
in the league ever?
- Better decide quick.
- Mm-hmm.
'Cause they're comin'.