SMILF (2017) s02e01 Episode Script

1 [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[HOOFBEATS CLOPPING.]
Parle d'amore And hold me tight Parle d'amore Tonight I'll always love you It's your slave I'll be Parle d'amore - To me - [DOG BARKING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hi.
Can I help you? Richard? No, uh, my name is Sheila.
Sorry, Sheila.
Um, I'm looking for Richard Schwartz.
He lives here, right? No, he hasn't been here for months.
You know, I have to forward his mail all the time.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
It's pretty horrible, but I do it.
I'm a good person.
Oh, okay.
Can I have that address? No, I don't know you, honey.
I Morally, I would feel really bad.
It's fine.
Um I'm his daughter, so - Boston.
- Really? He lives in Boston, yeah.
Boston.
He's in fucking Boston? I just came from Boston.
Yeah, he lives there.
- Fuck.
Cock.
- Okay.
- Fuck, ass.
- Shit, fuck.
This is such a fucking disaster.
- Mm.
- Cocksucking fuck.
Really, it's okay, honey.
Look, you are a mess.
Y-you're all fucked up, clearly out of alignment.
You are so stressed.
Out of alignment? Come inside, all right? I-I'll give you some tea and I'll get you on the table.
I'm a masseuse.
Oh, it, like, really hurts.
- Yeah, you're well - I like - [BONES CRACK.]
- Is that normal? Well, don't do too much of that.
I'm gonna fix you up.
You're gonna feel great before you get on another plane here, okay? Get you on the table.
Okay, but I really need that address.
Okay, come on in.
- [BRIDGE.]
Mm.
- [SHEILA GRUNTS.]
- Well, you are a disaster.
- Mm.
This is so horrible! What'd you dream last night? I actually dreamt about this beautiful black stallion.
We were in the middle of this forest.
- A dark horse.
- What? Yeah.
L-look, over there.
A toy horse? That's your shadow self.
- What does it mean? - Your fucked-up shit, stuff you wanna hide.
You gotta face it.
- [BRIDGE.]
What? - [SHEILA.]
Yeah.
Like, fucked-up shit is right in here.
- It's popping up! - Ow.
- Oh, boy.
Yeah.
- Ow.
Can you go a little deeper? [WARM MUSIC.]
[MAN.]
Stop.
Stop.
I said stop.
Baby, enough.
- Stop.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Stop! - Hey.
Uh, I was just wondering if there's maybe a different way you could get her to stop.
Mind your business.
Oh, maybe I would, but I can't.
Who are you? I'm a roaming child psychologist out of Harvard.
May have heard of it.
It's a college.
We are an outreach program, and we roam around public spaces, helping people learn how to communicate better.
What is she, two? - Are you two? - I'm two.
I understand having a two-year-old is very frustrating, but what you do now will have lifelong effects on her.
If you hit her now, it is very likely she will seek out a man who hits her later.
Am I right? Are you gonna want a boyfriend who hits you? Mind your business.
Let's go over there.
Mwah.
- [GIRL SQUEALING.]
- Wants a hitter.
Bye.
[TUTU.]
It's not homemade, honey, but it smells good.
It's Campbell's, you know, not the generic, so Okay, the chunky with the ham.
[TUTU.]
I'm gonna let you have the ham, sweetie, but you know what? No meat for the rest of the week.
Yeah, well yeah.
- Right.
- And, Joe? I read on TripAdvisor that there is a tour guide named Tom and he is the one to get, so we gotta make sure we get Tom.
Uh, Coll, the remote, uh, batteries are dead.
That's okay, sweetie.
I'll go get you some at the store.
Larry, come on.
You're coming with Tutu.
- No! - Come with me.
Come on.
- I don't want to.
- Yes, you are.
- No! - Hey, I said yes.
- [LARRY.]
I don't wanna go.
- [TUTU.]
I'll get you a cookie.
- [LARRY.]
I wanna stay.
- All right.
Thank you.
- [TUTU.]
All right, honey.
- [LARRY.]
Watch TV.
- Coll? - [TUTU.]
What? I love you.
Okay, you rest up, Joe.
Rest up.
Yeah.
[HACKING COUGH.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GASPING.]
- I'm a hot mama - Hot mama - I'm known by that name - Hot mama - I'm just a hot mama - Hot mama I'm known by that name Hot mama, hot mama Hands off, daddy, if you can't cool the queen Hot mama, hot mama I'm warning all you chicks - Telling you what's right - Shit.
Where the fuck is my wallet? Can you just watch my space while I run and, uh, grab my wallet? I just left it on the plane, I think.
- Don't worry about it.
- Do you mind just holding my space? Oh, shit.
Can you just tell the bus to wait? He hung up Excu sorry.
Hot mama, hot mama - Ooh, yeah - Hot mama, hot mama - Hot mama - Hot mama [MAN.]
Ooh! Hot mama Okay.
Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no.
I'm so sorry.
You're not allowed to go through here.
I just need to go get my wallet.
I left my wallet on the plane.
No, that's against the law.
I'm so sorry.
I can see the gate.
Can I just go through? No, I'm sorry.
I can't let you.
- That's against the law.
- Can you help me? No, no, no, James.
Stay at your post.
- I'm sorry, I can't.
- Okay.
Hey, girl-to-girl, - can I just talk to you real quick? - Yeah, sure, totally.
What's up? - So my wallet - Uh-huh.
is on the plane.
- I'm sorry, I - It has everything I own in it.
- Shoot.
- I know.
- C-can I just go get it? - I'm sorry.
Okay, just girl-to-girl.
Let's go.
You could go-go with me.
I'm-I'm really sorry.
I can't.
I can't let you do that.
It's, like, my ID I understand your situation with the ID.
My son's birth certificate is in there.
Oh, God, that's horrible.
Um I have a $100 bill that my mom gave me before she died.
- Oh, God.
- Can I please just go get it? - I'm so sorry, but - You could because of terrorist stuff, there is a policy that if anyone comes running through here, I-I-I do have to shoot.
This gun.
Sorry.
- That is so extreme.
- I know.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate this moment.
Please go to please go to baggage claim.
There's an office down there.
They're gonna help you down there.
- Just right down there.
- Ugh! Oh, my God.
Mondays.
[BRIDGE.]
Please? Please? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, pl Okay, I'll go.
Okay, I can go with you.
- I can show you exactly - No, no, no.
You wait.
I'll Thank you! Move a little faster.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, look, it's my best friend.
[BABBLES.]
Daddy, I want M&M's.
When we're done here, okay, baby? I can give her some.
Please, please, please.
Sure.
What do you say? Thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry for butting into your business.
I, um I'm not really a roaming child psychologist.
No shit.
Hey, I could've been.
I just wanted her hair to look good for her mom.
They lose your bag too? No.
I lost my wallet.
I left it on the plane 'cause I'm an idiot.
I had my dad's address in there.
I'm trying to track him down.
It's a long story.
Yeah, I got one of those long-story dads too.
[WOMAN.]
Rodriguez, Victor.
That's me.
Come on, baby.
Bye.
[WOMAN.]
You have an ID? Uh, yes, ma'am.
And hey.
If you gotta look for him, he's not worth finding.
Hmm.
Hey.
Hey, you want this? Thank you.
Welcome.
Forgive me for my sins.
Thank you for my life.
Forgive me for my sins.
[LARRY.]
I wanna watch TV! - [TUTU.]
And that's enough.
- [LARRY.]
Right now.
No, you have to listen when Tutu tells you.
- Joe, wake up! - Put me down! Joe, wake up.
The baby was acting out.
- I can't do it with him.
- [JOE.]
What? No.
- What? No.
- [TUTU.]
I'm just gonna leave him here - and run, get the batteries.
- No, no, no, you can't.
I'll give him my phone.
That's all he wants anyway.
I'll be back in a minute.
- Colleen, no, I can't - I'll be right back! - I'm getting the batteries.
- I you don't get Colleen.
Well, um Hey, you wanna watch TV? 'Cause, uh, the batteries are okay.
There was nothing wrong with the batteries.
So put your phone down, and-and you can watch TV.
[CHARACTERS LAUGHING ON TV.]
Oh, boy.
Okay, listen here, Larry.
Don't get off the couch.
You stay right here and watch the T I'll tell You-you-you stay here.
Don't go anywhere.
Stay here on the couch.
Don't go up don't go upstairs.
Don't go in the kitchen.
There's nothing in the kitchen worth going in there for, and stay on the couch.
You watch-watch that TV.
Don't go up don't go upstairs.
There are monsters up there.
There's hairy, hairy monsters.
I don't like monsters.
They won't bother you as long as you stay stay on the couch and watch the tel television.
That's what's you do.
Watch the couch and stay on the television.
[MUTTERING.]
[CHEERING ON TV.]
[TV CHARACTER.]
Okay, I'm it.
If I tag you, freeze where you are until another pup unfreezes you.
[LARRY.]
Night-night, Joe.
Go! [LAUGHTER ON TV.]
[TV CHARACTER.]
Frozen! [TUTU HUMMING.]
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Shit.
$11? What, are they kidding me? Ah here we go.
You hiding the good batteries? Obviously, some health food snacks for me today.
- [CASHIER CHUCKLES.]
- [TUTU LAUGHS.]
Did you find it? Sorry.
No luck.
Oh, shoot.
[UPBEAT SWING MUSIC.]
[GRUMBLES.]
Is this the Kia? - Lyft? Okay.
- Yeah.
[LINE RINGS.]
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
- [TV CHARACTER.]
Cool, Mayor - Yes, Mama? [BRIDGE.]
Larry? [LARRY.]
Hi, Mama.
Hi.
Why do you have Tutu's phone? Went to the store.
I didn't want to go.
Oh, okay.
She's at the store? Who are you with right now? Are you with Joe? But Joe is in the soup.
[BRIDGE.]
Joe's eating soup? That's nice.
I love soup.
What have you been doing? I'm watching PAW Patrol.
[BRIDGE.]
Oh, you're watching PAW Patrol.
Yes, Mama.
[BRIDGE.]
Who's your favorite character? Skye.
I don't know.
I mean, I like PAW Patrol.
I just feel like Mayor Humdinger always picks the same first responders, you know? I mean, I get why Marshall needs to be there.
He's a medic.
But they're all dude dogs.
Like, where the bitches at? I'm about to see you! And hi.
[SIGHS.]
I missed you! Hi.
Give me kisses.
[SMOOCHING.]
[TV CHARACTERS.]
So cool! Joe? [WOMAN ON TV.]
So pretty! I must take a picture.
Hey, Joe.
[TV CHARACTERS.]
Cheese! Uh, okay.
Hey, Joe! Fuck.
Uh, hi, hi.
Hi, hi, hi.
Okay.
Did Joe put these chairs down? - Yes.
- Hmm.
[WOMAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV.]
Fuck.
Hey, how long has Joe been asleep for? - A lot.
- Where's Tutu? Well, um, Tutu's at the store.
[SIGHS.]
Fuck.
Okay, okay.
And you're okay? - Uh-huh.
- You're not scared? - No.
- You promise? Okay.
Should we say, "Night-night, Joe?" Night-night, Joe.
Sweet dreams, Joe.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, God.
[WARM GUITAR AND VOCAL MUSIC.]
Mom, it's okay.
This is the worst, you know? He didn't even leave a note.
Oh, God.
His last meal, you know, was ham and noodle stars from a can.
I should've done so much better by him.
Ma, it's not your fault.
And what the hell are we gonna do with his shower chair? - I'll take it.
- You will? Yeah, I hate standing in the shower.
Where the hell we gonna bury him too? You know, Father O'Malley will never take him in because it's a sin, what Joe did.
We can just lie to Father O'Malley.
That's horrible advice to give your mother on a day of such sadness.
There's so many things, I can't even figure it out.
What's gonna happen? Who's gonna show up? Who's not gonna show? You think that horrible son of his is gonna show up? Well, if he gets up there and he starts speaking and he starts bad-mouthing my Joe, I'm just not gonna stand for it, and you're gonna get up there, too, Bridgette.
No, Ma, you don't want me to talk.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
You should say something, probably.
I'm not gonna say anything, Bridgette.
I can't say anything.
Look at the condition I'm in.
[PARAMEDIC.]
Excuse me.
We're gonna be bringing him out now.
- Ugh.
- Do you want to stay here or have a final moment inside? - Uh, I'll be in in a minute.
- Okay.
Oh, this is bad.
Maybe you shouldn't go in there.
No, this is bad, Bridgette.
I can feel it sucking me down.
It's sucking me down.
It's sucking me down.
And he should've known this! He should've known this would do it, to you and to the [WHISPERING.]
to the baby.
You didn't have to leave Larry.
I tried to take him with me.
He wouldn't come.
You're the grown-up.
You shut your mouth, Bridgette, okay? I don't need parenting tips from you right now, thank you.
You do have a history of leaving kids - with the wrong men.
- [TUTU.]
What'd you say? I said you have a history of leaving kids with the wrong men.
You are quite something, Bridgette.
He just saw someone die.
It's not my fault! I'm not the one who did it! I was watching him, like I do for you always! [SIGHS.]
Fuck.
- [WARM VOCAL MUSIC.]
- [BELLS TOLLING.]
Oh, Joe.
Baa, baa, black sheep Have you any wool Yes, sir, yes, sir Three bags full - One for my - One for the little boy - One for my what, honey? - You gotta follow his words.
I don't get why she wanted to do this here.
- I planned it.
- No, I thought Rafi organized it.
Well, I organized it through Rafi.
[SIGHS.]
Just nobody knows us here.
Oh, they know me here.
How do they know you here? Eh, a little problem with a nun.
- Baa, baa, black sheep - It gets dark with you so fast.
- Bridge.
- [BRIDGE.]
What? What are you gonna say up there? [SIGHS.]
I'm not gonna talk.
It's too much pressure.
Well, then, is Zaggy gonna speak? Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna speak.
No, you shouldn't speak either.
Yeah, what are you gonna what are you gonna I'm gonna say something from the heart.
See, there you go.
You say something.
You wanna go see Dada? Here.
I'll be back.
Of all people, you shouldn't speak from the heart.
He wants to sit with you.
I'm sorry you didn't find your dad.
Um, it's okay.
I'll find him soon.
- I got his address.
- Dear God, take care of Joe - Cut that shit out.
- What? We don't pray.
We're in a church.
Okay, fine.
Maybe it's okay, just for today.
Bye.
See you soon.
Mwah.
- Mama.
- Okay.
Ah, thank you so much for coming.
Of course.
You know I love me some Joe.
- I know.
- He was my favorite one of your family members, honestly.
Me too, kind of, and he wasn't even related.
- That's why.
- Mm.
That's exactly why.
[SIGHS.]
There's, like, nobody here.
I know, but there's some cuties up in here.
How you doing? - What are you wearing? - You like it? My mom let me borrow it.
I didn't have anything black.
I'm not mad at it at all.
- Right? - Yeah.
My belly's free, and so are my farts.
[LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHS.]
What is wrong with you? I'm high as fuck.
I popped a weed gummy.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
I didn't.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- Oh, shit.
Oh, man, my dad's such an asshole.
- Why? - He treats me like a teenager.
"My kitchen ain't a rec room.
" You do live in his house and get high all day, and your favorite book is Harry Potter.
[GASPS.]
That's who you look like.
- What? - A Dementor! Okay, I gotta pee.
[SIGHING.]
You wanna come with me? I don't.
I wanna sit here.
I wanna be high and enjoy this funeral.
Okay? I'll be back.
[LAUGHS.]
Don't she look like a Dementor? [LAUGHS.]
Baby, baby, she look like a [LAUGHS.]
Ally? - Hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I didn't know you knew Joe.
Um, I-I didn't know Joe, but, you know, your mother and I - have gotten to be very close.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
Also, Mr.
Daddy is fucking prostitutes, so there's that.
They're not prostitutes, Mom.
Well, either way, that sounds terrible.
I'm so sorry.
Um, I have to pee, but I'd love to hear about it later.
Okay, yeah.
Okay.
[CRYING.]
Oh, I-I really have to pee.
Okay.
- Okay.
- [CRYING SOFTLY.]
Okay.
I just Hey, Colleen.
How are you doing? [CRYING.]
Oh, my heart's broke in two.
I never should've left him alone to get the batteries.
Everyone deserves a proper burial.
Thank you for doing this.
Thank you.
Do you need a few more minutes before we get started? - No, let's get started.
Thank you.
- Okay.
Jack, don't look.
Joe's son came.
- Do you want a mint? - No.
- You want a lozenge? - No, thank you.
- Okay.
- What are you, a drugstore? [JOYCE HARRIS' "DREAMER" PLAYING.]
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Dreaming All the time, dreaming Of that day When I will prove Yes, these dreams That I have dreamed of Are foolish And all but true And all but true And all but true Mrs.
Wheaton? Mrs.
Wheaton, hi.
Hi, it's Bridgette.
Hi, um, I was friends with Jennifer at Perry Elementary? - Hi.
- Bridgette? Hi.
Hi, Mrs.
Wheaton.
Hi.
- Oh, honey, honey.
- Oh, hi.
- Please.
Lillian.
- Oh, hi.
Are you are you looking for Jennifer, sweetie? - Because you know she - No, I know.
I know.
It feels like yesterday.
It does.
It does.
Did you know that she was conscious for a full minute before she passed? What? Jesus Christ.
Mm-hmm.
I'm at my stepdad's funeral down the street, and all the bathroom doors were locked, - and I have to pee so bad.
- Oh, here, honey.
- Come in.
Come in.
- Okay, thank you.
Because they have such a big problem with the homeless.
We have two bathrooms.
We've got one at the top of the stairs, and there's another one at the end of the hall.
You just take your pick.
Oh.
Okay.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Would you mind, uh, removing your shoes? Because I just picked up.
Sure.
Okay, I'm just gonna go to the one down the hall.
Okay, but-but you have to go down this hall, and then you have to go to the kitchen, and then you're gonna have to go down the other hall, and then you'll find the bathroom.
It's right there on the right.
Keep going.
There you go.
That's it.
Oh, my [SIGHS.]
[URINE SPLASHING.]
Ugh, coaster, Lillian.
Coaster.
Thank you so much.
Such a relief, Mrs.
Wheaton.
I feel so much better! Oh, honey, it must be the stress.
You've had such a year.
What are you talking about? Well, first your father and now your stepfather? I mean, you gotta be careful, because death comes in threes.
My father? He's-he's not dead.
I'm just about to find him.
I'm sorry, honey, but I can show it to you.
- I really - Come with me.
[SIGHS.]
I saw it in the obits.
You know, you could show it to me another time.
I'll come back and visit you.
You must be very lonely.
I mean, I do think about Jen all the time.
Oh, it's best not to get stuck in the past, honey.
Right.
I think it was February.
It was February, if I remember correctly.
Just hang on a second.
I'm gonna find this for you.
Okay, okay, I have one more minute.
I have a great system.
This is really very organized, and, uh Uh, wait.
Uh Yes, here it is.
Here it is.
"Richard Schwartz of South Boston died peacefully Sunday, November 5th " - What? - " 2017, of pancreatic cancer at Mass General at the age of 67.
" "He's survived by one daughter.
" I didn't know.
[ZAGGY.]
Joe.
God, you handsome son of a bitch.
Looked like a young Robin Williams.
You know, we grew up together, Joe and I.
Joe used to love to go to the South Shore Music Circus, spending afternoons banging chinks.
Chinks! I guess you call them "Asians" now, but back then, they were chinks.
And I tell you, boy, if they had this #MeToo thing, "don't touch me, keep your fingers to yourself" shit if they had that back then, we'd be doing time! I'll see you on the other side, pal.
[FATHER EDDIE.]
Thank you, Zaggy, for that colorful remembrance, and I just want to apologize to any of our members from the Asian, LGBTQ, Jewish, Polish, and Eskimo communities.
Now, is there anyone else who would like to pay their final respects? "Survived by one daughter.
" Why does he get credit for that? Ma, I walked in on Joe just as he went into cardiac arrest.
He said, "Be sure to tell Colleen I stuck around this long just for her.
" It was you.
[SOBS.]
You kept Joe alive all these years.
You kept me alive all these years.
He loved you, Ma.
I love you.
I love you.
[SNIFFLES.]
[BELLS TOLLING.]
It was a beautiful service.
Thanks for what you said, Bridgette.
My dad died.
You okay? I think so.
I don't know.
Well, let's go piss on his grave.
Think that'll help? Oh, I know it.
Sometime Somewhere We're gonna meet again, I know But I won't love you anymore I hope Somewhere