Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s02e01 Episode Script

1 - Previously on "Splitting Up Together" - LENA: We're pulling the plug.
The on-duty parent will live in the main house.
MARTIN: And the off-duty parent will be living in the garage.
Are you guys gonna be bored with us gone all summer? It's gonna be exactly like when you are here! MARTIN: We can share the house for the summer.
- Roomies? - Roomies! You have a million reasons why you refuse to let go of your ex-wife, except the only one that makes sense You're still in love with her.
We're not roomies.
When we were married, we were roomies.
Lisa Apple's pregnant.
[CREAK.]
- [THUDDING.]
- LENA: Ohh! MARTIN: [ECHOING.]
Lena.
Hey.
Come on.
Come on.
Geez, babe, you scared me.
- Ohh.
- Here.
What happened? - Well, let's see.
We, uh - Slept together.
- Right.
And and then we - Slept together.
- Right.
And then your painting - Fell on my head.
- Yeah.
- The painting it was an emblem of my self-discovery, and it hit me where my mind is.
That's a sign.
A sign? From who? Um, the universe? It saw us having sex.
- The whole universe did? - And it was like, "Houston, we have a problem.
" Uh-huh.
Uh, so I guess the universe is like Tom Hanks from "Apollo 13"? - It must be.
- Right.
Well, it's a very interesting theory, but I think the painting fell because you didn't use a drywall anchor.
- A drywall anchor? - Mm-hmm.
And you may not know this about me, but I happen to have a great many drywall anchors.
You do? And if you let me take the time to hang your painting it will never [KISSES.]
fall [GIGGLES.]
again.
Are you trying to hook up with me? Because I was unconscious like three seconds ago.
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay CAMILLE: There! She's right there! You're losing her! I'm not losing her.
She's walking inside the building.
- Okay okay, you're scaring Grand Mal.
- What are you talking about? You're triggering her! What do you want me to do, Camille? Follow Lisa Apple into the apartment? Hide out in the bathtub while she pees on a pregnancy test so I can tell you what it says? I mean, you'd have to hold very still.
You know what? I'm not doing this anymore, okay? This is zero percent our business.
Disagree.
Agree to disagree? Ah-huh? That hard candy counts as your dessert, you know.
It's a throat lozenge.
It's [BLEEP.]
Zinc.
Zinc is not a dessert.
[SPITS.]
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
- I love you so much.
- Love you.
- - MARTIN: Whoa! - Are you cooking me breakfast? - It has been a while.
- Hey, you know what I really miss? - Hmm? Those breakfast buns.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- What about these breakfast buns? - Ooh! [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Mmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
BOTH: Hi.
Daddy! Dad! Dad.
My Dada.
[SIGHS.]
- Hey! What's up, sis? - Hey! How you doing? - Hey.
- Hey-hey! What's up, boss? - What are you guys doing here? - We might ask you the same question.
You invited us over, for brunch.
Remember? - I don't.
- She has a head injury.
I texted yesterday that I was going to the farmers market, and Dad texted that he wanted to come, and you texted "Grab me some cilantro hummus and come by after for brunch.
" - It does sound like you.
Yeah.
- It does.
It definitely does.
Uh, Martin, a word? Well, I can't be in that much trouble, right? You already gave me your blessing.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Let's go talk.
- What the hell?! - [DOOR CLOSES.]
I know.
I know! But I don't know.
I really don't know! It just happened! And now I'm feeling very conflicted and concerned and uneasy.
- Those are all negative words.
- But at the same time excited, surprised, and aroused.
- Aroused? - Well, not at this precise moment, but I am pretty pumped about the hummus.
Good, and you know what? I love it.
Who cares? You're two adults.
You don't need to rationalize anything.
You know why? - [CHUCKLES.]
It's summer.
- [GASPS.]
Yeah! And we all deserve a little summer lovin'.
Okay, now you're rationalizing.
Who'd you have sex with? A guest at Milo's birthday party.
It was a dad.
- Wait, was it - Jasper's dad.
Frank? Yeah, AKA "Sugar Beard," AKA "Country Music Face.
" Wow, I can't believe you already have so many great nicknames for him.
- The nicknames happened really fast.
- That's a good sign.
So does Sugar Beard know that you're pregnant? Uh, no.
But only because I'm a really big fan of hiding things that you don't want other - people to know about.
- Gotcha.
So, right now, I'm just gonna enjoy the honeymoon.
You know Martin and I never had a honeymoon? Why don't you go now? I can't go on a honeymoon with my ex-husband.
Why not? - Why not? - Just go with the flow.
Well, I tend to violently struggle against the flow.
[LAUGHING.]
Yes, you do So just don't do that.
- Don't do that? - Mnh-mnh.
- Just go on a honeymoon.
- Mm-hmm.
[GASPS.]
Mm I think I can use my rewards points to pay for it.
- Now you're aroused.
- I just can't believe that you two are this stupid.
Well believe it.
Everyone else can plainly see that you and Lena are a much better couple now that you aren't one.
You two are finally in a good place, and you want to just ruin it? Ruin what? Our divorce? Ruin it with a second chance at at love and happiness? Oh, gimme a break.
You sound like a schoolgirl.
Well, then, French-braid my hair and drop me off a block from school - so my friends don't see you.
- Okay, go ahead, make your jokes.
But you're not gonna be the one to have to scrape her off the floor when things go wrong.
Things aren't gonna go wrong.
It's different now.
Lena is different now.
She is.
Tell me, when will you be mine? [CLICKING.]
Tell me, quando, quando, quando? - Ahh! Oh, my God! - [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
We can share a love divine - Hey! Thought you ran away.
- Hey.
Oh, believe me, I tried and every road leads me right back to you.
- Hey, that's romantic.
- Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
I did something romantic, too.
Yeah? I booked us a house in Malibu on the beach.
- You did? - And it has this amazing deck with an incredible hot tub overlooking the ocean.
And the bedroom has a luxury king-sized mattress from some fancy hotel.
It'll be like the honeymoon we never had.
You see? Old Lena never would have done something - like this.
- Old Lena? I'm sorry.
I know it's confusing 'cause you're older than Old Lena, but trust me, okay? She never would have wasted money on something just for the two of us with no kids?! - You're a completely different person.
- Well, thanks.
I'm so psyched for this weekend, babe! Mm, I'm gonna go grab a quick shower.
Care to join me? Oh, I literally just showered and did my hair.
- But sure! Yeah! Yeah! - Mm-hmm! Yeah? That's my girl! Pumped.
Okay windows are locked, AC is off.
I've got aloe in case of sunburn, first-aid kit in case of injury, snacks in case of hunger, sweatshirts in case of cold, coolant, get the trash.
Whew! Ready?! Great, okay.
I'm gonna, uh, load up the car.
- [TELEPHONE RINGING.]
- Cool.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [RINGING CONTINUES.]
Can you get the phone? - Oh, yeah, on it, babe.
- Yeah.
- [BEEP.]
- Hello? MASON: [LOUDLY.]
Dad? I'm calling you from a pay phone.
The volume's the same.
You don't have to shout.
Dad, I-I need you guys to pick me up early.
- It's an emergency.
- No can do, bro-chacha.
Dad, this is serious.
I spoke to Jules, who went home for his dead grandfather's funeral A funeral implies he's dead.
And apparently, Hazel is home from Fashion Camp.
According to Jules, she's five times hotter than when she left.
Like, Ariana Grande hot.
And everyone's here for it.
I've been mind-crying ever since he told me.
You know what mind-crying is? Is it crying inside your mind? Four more days, bud, okay? Just keep on mind-crying, and if you feel like you have to do a little mouth-crying, I'm sure your bunkmates will understand.
- Gotta run.
- Wait, don't you want to talk to Nope! Nope, just send my regards.
- [BEEP.]
- Ah, aren't you a sight for sore eyes.
Yeah? I could say the same thing about you, Sugar Beard.
You are easily the most handsome man I've ever dated.
I appreciate your honesty.
I really do.
It's refreshing.
My ex she's a filthy liar.
- Oh, she was? - D-don't get me wrong, there were good things about her, too.
She had a super-hot body and a pretty decent face.
But she wouldn't stop with the lies.
And she was a two-face, you know? Total Gemini.
And to be honest, it's what ruined our relationship.
Yeah, honesty is [CLEARS THROAT.]
key.
Can I be honest with you about something? Okay.
I'm crazy about you, Maya.
I really am.
And I love how your eyes get all weird and squinty when you get uncomfortable.
I love how you laugh without making any noise when you think something's funny.
I love how handsome you know I am.
But most of all, I love how forthright you are.
- I really think you might be the one.
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Oh! Um, would you excuse me for a second? I have such an overactive bladder.
There there you go again with the honesty.
I love it! Get your pee on, girl.
- Okay.
Fine.
- - All good? - All great.
[CLICK, ALARM DINGING.]
- [KEYS JINGLE.]
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- [CLICK, ALARM DINGING.]
- Wait, the car won't start? Martin, the car won't start?! - There you go! Another sign - [ENGINE STARTS.]
Hmm? Would you stop thinking everything's a sign? The steering wheel was in the locked position.
And if you want to go looking for signs, why don't you look for some positive ones? Like this.
- That's the mix Mason made for Hazel.
- Is it? Or is it the mix that Mason made that got his parents back together? Oh.
[TAYLOR SWIFT'S "STYLE" PLAYS.]
- You've got that long hair - Long hair - Slicked back, white T-shirt - Slicked back, white T-shirt - And I got that good-girl faith - And I got that good-girl faith - And a tight little skirt - A tight little skirt - And when we go crashing down - And when we go crashing down - We come back every time - We come back every time - 'Cause we never go out of style - 'Cause we never go, we never go - We never go out of style - We never go - Just take me home - Just take me home - Just take me home - Home - Yeah, just take me home - [LAUGHS.]
- Whoa! - Oh, my God! - Wow, babe! - Oh! You are the queen.
Babe! Babe, isn't this incredible? It's amazing.
I mean, this is incredi ble.
Oh the hot tub? So what! Who cares? I cares.
Who needs a stupid hot tub when we have this this whole entire ocean to ourselves? Well, I wasn't planning on going in the ocean.
I have a head wound.
I was planning on going in the hot tub.
Okay, well, change of plans, right? Right? Come on, let's go check out the rest of this place.
[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.]
MARTIN: [IN DISTANCE.]
Oh, babe, you got to see this remote! MARTIN: Mm.
Oh, my God.
The ocean is like a lullaby, just lulling you to sleep.
- Hmm, yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Does this mattress feel king-sized to you? What? The mattress that we're currently lying on? Yeah? I'm asking, does it feel king-sized? Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
Hmm.
Interesting.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
- To me it feels cramped.
Well, maybe because you've been sleeping alone for too long.
- Maybe.
- Maybe.
Maybe not.
The description - said "luxury king-sized mattress.
" - Mm.
- Doesn't really feel like either.
- Mm uh-oh.
Sounds like the old Lena.
[SIGHS.]
Well, Old Lena has a point.
Well maybe I can take Old Lena's mind off the mattress.
Unh well, you know how she gets.
- Mm.
Mm, yeah.
- Mm.
I love a challenge.
That's why I married Old Lena.
[CHUCKLES.]
And divorced her.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Well, did she look pregnant? Well, no, but it's probably early.
Yes, but, I mean, did she have the glow? I It's early for me, but [CHUCKLES.]
look.
No.
I was saying it's none of our business.
And I was saying that it is, which is why we need you to be the tie-breaker.
Well, for a variety of reasons, I don't think we should mention anything unless we know for sure.
Actually, not for a variety of reasons.
Just for one reason.
Lena and Martin are sleeping together.
- What?! - You got the hot goss before me? I'm only mentioning it now because I'm working on my honesty.
Speaking of which one of you is not pulling off that neck scarf.
- [BOTH GASP.]
- [GROWLS.]
MARTIN: Oh, look at that.
I mean, can you imagine waking up like this every morning? I absolutely cannot.
- It's just [STAMMERS.]
No words.
- Bliss.
It's bliss.
Hey, babe [SIGHS.]
is it cool if I go take a run on the beach? And maybe some breakfast on the deck when I get back? - Sounds great.
It won't.
- Unless it's gonna stress you.
No, because I-I really want you to relax.
I will! I'm gonna slip on my suit, lounge on that deck, and see if I can make any dolphin friends.
[IMITATES DOLPHIN.]
Wow.
Babe, that's like that's like really good.
All right, I'm gonna, uh I'm gonna take off.
I'll be back in a flash.
All right.
Take your time.
- Okay.
- Enjoy paradise! [IN DISTANCE.]
All right! [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
King-sized mattress my ass! [GRUNTING.]
Where are you? Oh! Now I gotcha! Yes.
Yeah, okay.
Full! Ha! It's a full, you lying sons of bitches! That's breach of contract! That's fraud! - [WAVES CRASHING.]
- [GULLS SQUAWKING.]
Lena?! Well, Kirk, I'd like to speak with your supervisor.
And don't send me back to Patricia because we both know she's at lunch.
KIRK: Yes, ma'am.
Martin! Hey! - Well, well, what have we here? - [BEEP.]
- Are you okay holding for another minute? [BEEP.]
- Yes, thank you.
I don't suppose that was one of your dolphin friends.
So you just spent the whole morning on the phone complaining about this place? Okay, just hear me out.
It was a full.
- What was a full? - The mattress! - I was right! It was a full! - Oh, - And I texted them pictures of the sheets - Lena! and of the filthy hot tub, and they agreed it's not acceptable.
This is the happiest I've seen you all weekend.
- WOMAN: We're sorry.
All of our representatives are - They issued me a case number.
No.
No, no.
No, no, no.
Don't don't don't touch me! Not like this.
- We're on hold.
- I just don't get you, Lena.
You rented this amazing place, and all you can do is focus on what's wrong.
It's like you're missing it.
I'm not missing it.
I'm fixing it.
- Did you even step foot on that deck? - Yes! When I took the evidence photos of the hot tub.
Uh-huh.
And what about the dolphins? Did you even talk to them, or was that just an act? - [IMITATES DOLPHIN.]
- No, don't, no, no.
Too late.
- We're sorry.
All of our representatives - I thought things had changed You didn't think things changed.
You thought I changed.
- remain on the line - I mean, I'm supposed to be all, like, light and bubbly and and talking to dolphins You brought up the dolphins! Well, that's because I knew it's what you wanted to hear.
I'm supposed to bake buns and lounge on the deck and, oh, shower when you shower even if I've already showered.
I asked you to shower! - I was being romantic! - I know.
I know.
It's just We We're always so focused on your needs that you just you never stop to ask what I need.
Please continue to hold [SIGHS.]
What do you need? I need you to care about what upsets me even if you don't understand it.
This place was expensive.
I used, like, six years of rewards points to pay for it.
And I know you don't have the same level of investment because you didn't do any of the heavy lifting to get us here, - but if you could just acknowledge - Uh what's wrong then maybe I could focus on what's right.
PATRICIA: Thank you for your patience.
I understand you're dissatisfied with the rental property? Very dissatisfied.
Quite frankly, my dear, this place is a dump! The main reason we rented it was for the hot tub, and it's broken.
The bed isn't as advertised, and the downstairs bathroom smells like a salty turd.
Sorry to hear that.
Not as sorry as I am to smell it! I understand.
Would a 50% refund be satisfactory? Hold.
Would a 50% refund be satisfactory? [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
- [RAPID KNOCKING.]
- [DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
Hi.
What? Lisa, sorry to invade your privacy.
But we need to discuss what we saw you purchase at the market.
Cutlets? They were on sale.
I plan to freeze some for later use.
We ain't here to talk about the cutlets, sister.
We're here to talk about the elephant in the womb.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Cut the [BLEEP.]
Lisa Apple! Are you pregnant or not?! Are the three of you aware that Martin and I broke up? - Oh, I knew that.
I knew that, yeah.
- I didn't know that.
That's really sad.
Okay, so, since Martin and I are no longer involved, the three of you are no longer involved.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
So don't even worry about it, y'all! - [DOOR SLAMS.]
- What was up with that accent? I don't know.
What do you guys think? I think we may have to ruin Martin and Lena's weekend.
MARTIN: [CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay, just admit it.
When we were married, we were afraid to talk about anything 'cause every talk led to a fight, and every fight felt like it might end up in divorce.
- But now that we are divorced - The pressure's off.
I'm saying! It's like divorce is exactly what our marriage needed.
- There's no clear signs that say otherwise.
- Uh-uh.
- Hi.
- BOTH: Hey! What's going on? Is everything okay? - Arthur.
Everything all right? - ARTHUR: What's up, bro? MAYA: We went to see Lisa Apple.
And we think she might be pregnant.
- I hate you - We don't know for sure.
For what you did And I miss you like a little kid I faked it every time But that's all right I can hardly feel anything I hardly feel anything at all